- 9 hours ago
First broadcast 27th January 1994.
Whilst his parents, Bert and Doreen, are in Spain, Ray meets Susie, a young woman who claims to be fleeing a violent husband.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Susannah Doyle - Susie
Sidney Livingstone - Bert
Lill Roughley - Doreen
Duncan Bell - Fowler
Barry Aird - Grey
Tony Robinson - Willie
John Bowler - D. I. Styles
David Baukham - 1st Heavy (as David Bauckham)
Derren Litten - 2nd Heavy
Bernard Kay - Cronin
Portia Booroff - Melissa
Jake Wood - Wasp
Martyn Whitby - Aldridge
Andrew Hilton - Robert
Whilst his parents, Bert and Doreen, are in Spain, Ray meets Susie, a young woman who claims to be fleeing a violent husband.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Susannah Doyle - Susie
Sidney Livingstone - Bert
Lill Roughley - Doreen
Duncan Bell - Fowler
Barry Aird - Grey
Tony Robinson - Willie
John Bowler - D. I. Styles
David Baukham - 1st Heavy (as David Bauckham)
Derren Litten - 2nd Heavy
Bernard Kay - Cronin
Portia Booroff - Melissa
Jake Wood - Wasp
Martyn Whitby - Aldridge
Andrew Hilton - Robert
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You did not tell me you were taking time off to run up to the airport.
00:03What's the matter with you and my parents?
00:05And what do you expect me to do?
00:06Tell them I'm their luggage on public transport?
00:08Holidays abroad, chauffeur driven to the airport.
00:11I don't know what the working classes are coming to.
00:13Did they learn nothing from Maggie's reign of terror?
00:15Oh, I tell them you said so.
00:17You will do no such thing.
00:18You'll just see that you're back here in time to pick up my mail from that agency.
00:21We have important new business to conduct.
00:24Hey, the van's in Dock, so what are you carting them in?
00:28Dad's cab.
00:29Oh.
00:30Well, see if you can pick up a confused traveller for the return journey.
00:33We could have a small owner out of that.
00:35We?
00:35Japanese or Yanks are the best.
00:37I want you back in three hours max with my mail.
00:40Yeah, Arthur, I'm not going to rush...
00:48You've got to be joking.
00:50Better safe than...
00:51Sorry.
00:52Now, you'll be all right, won't you, son?
00:54No, of course I won't, Mum.
00:55Who's going to be here to change me nappies?
00:57Don't be cheeky.
00:58Now, here's the keys to the house.
00:59Both sets.
01:00All these burglaries going on.
01:02You make sure you keep a proper eye on it.
01:03And like a whole...
01:04Now, don't worry.
01:06Here, if you don't stop rabbiting, we're going to miss it.
01:08Yeah, that's right.
01:11Now, you get off and enjoy yourself.
01:14Oh.
01:14Oh, anybody think we were emigrating.
01:16Come on, go off and have a nice one.
01:18Oh, nice.
01:19See you later, Dave.
01:20Oh, Ray, you've got the hotel and the number where we're staying, haven't you?
01:24Yeah, yeah.
01:25I'll see you in two weeks' time.
01:47West London police driver, South Kensington.
01:49And if you could hurry.
01:51Sorry, I'm not for hire.
01:53What?
01:54Why not?
01:55Well, it's me old man's car, but I don't have a licence to drive punters.
01:57I'm sorry.
01:58Well, for that silly, who's to know?
02:00Well, if we was to get stopped or, God forbid, have an accident, the police, for starters.
02:04Yeah, then there's insurance companies.
02:06Please take me.
02:08I'll be really grateful.
02:10You can leave the clock up here.
02:12Double the going rate, please.
02:15Exactly whereabouts in South Ken.
02:17No.
02:18Looks like we've missed her.
02:20Uh-huh.
02:21Uh-huh.
02:22Okay, will do.
02:23Wants us to check all the other a-lines, see if she's transferred on.
02:36Are you all right back there?
02:39Do you think we could pull up somewhere, actually?
02:41I don't need a drink or something.
02:43You don't mind me asking, but are you in some sort of trouble?
02:53I take it there's substantial discount for bulk wine?
02:55Mm.
03:05Cheers.
03:10Better.
03:13Do you want to talk about it?
03:28I tried to leave him once before, but he found me.
03:31He just sees me as his property to be used and abused as he sees fit.
03:36Are you still married to him, then?
03:40Threw it away.
03:42Symbolic gesture, I suppose.
03:45How'd he come to find you the last time?
03:47Private detectives.
03:48Well, they don't come cheap.
03:49No, he can afford it.
03:51He's one of those rich pigs that thinks money can buy people.
03:55He's not buying me.
03:57Not anymore.
03:57So what are you going to do now?
03:59I don't see this old friend.
04:01I don't think my husband knows about her.
04:04Maybe she can put me up for a few days until I can...
04:06I'll have to find somewhere safe to stay.
04:10Somewhere he can't find me.
04:12Well, if that don't work out, there's plenty of anonymous hotels in London.
04:17Oh, no.
04:19It's a mistake I made last time.
04:23Look, really better be can, only I'm a bit pushed.
04:26Yeah.
04:28You've been really very kind.
04:31No problem.
04:39Excellent.
04:40When can you deliver?
04:48No, it's, er...
04:49OK, it's not me.
04:50No, no, no, please.
04:51Please, I'm just...
04:51But, um, if you could just wait for one minute.
04:54Wait?
04:55Well, it's just that I'm not sure if...
04:57It'll be one minute, OK?
05:18It's, er, everything all right, only I've, er, got to pick up some stuff and nip back home at the
05:21Wilster number.
05:22Seems my friend has moved and not left affording a dress or a number.
05:26Right.
05:27I'm terribly sorry I can't help.
05:28Well, the agency that I leased this place from has changed hands.
05:32Well, listen, I might be out of the help.
05:34I know this bloke is, er...
05:35Bloke?
05:35Well, bloke, he's me Uncle Arthur.
05:36He's a sort of, er, entrepreneur, car dealer.
05:39He rents out a few flats.
05:40Well, I'm not sure, but it might be worth a try.
05:43I'm sorry, I can't help.
05:55Well?
05:57I don't know what to say.
05:59I mean, it's not too much to ask us.
06:01No, no, no, it'll be fine, er.
06:03I've just got to pick up some mail first, for me Uncle Arthur.
06:23I want to see you.
06:32Don't give me traffic jams.
06:34I check with the AA.
06:35Four.
06:36Nearly five hours for a round trip to Heathrow.
06:39I got diverted.
06:40So I notice.
06:41And may I assume that you were the signpost of this little diversion, young lady?
06:44Well, I...
06:45Because if so, I'd like to point out that this young man is in my employ.
06:48Arthur!
06:48And taking time off to pursue his uncontrollable carnal desires is not part of his contractual obligations.
06:55You finished?
06:56No.
06:57Did you pick up my mail?
06:58As well?
07:00Yeah.
07:00Postman Patty fulfilled his duties.
07:02He delivered them to the lock-up where he thought his employer would be.
07:05Was there much?
07:06Matter of fact, yeah.
07:07A whole sack load.
07:08Oh, really?
07:10Yeah, well, would you and the young lady like a drink, Ray?
07:13Thank you, Dave.
07:15The manor's on the manor at last.
07:16Now, Susie, this is Dave.
07:18Friend, confidant and owner...
07:20Park owner.
07:20...of this place.
07:22Hello.
07:22Nice to meet you.
07:24And this is me Uncle Arthur.
07:27Charmed, my dear.
07:28Forgive my little outburst.
07:30Pressure of business.
07:31It's all right.
07:32I understand.
07:33It's a pleasure.
07:34Ray's been telling me all about you.
07:36What a kind and generous gentleman you are.
07:39Family loyalty.
07:40Can't beat it.
07:41Slight exaggeration, I'm sure.
07:42Mm, somewhat.
07:44I do have my moments, though.
07:45But the conflict between the needs of commerce and the demands of the soul
07:49is a very difficult mountain to climb on the slippery slopes of the piece.
07:55That's, um, very poetic, um...
07:58Arthur.
07:59Call me Arthur.
08:00Arthur.
08:02Well, Arthur, would it be all right if I bought you all a drink?
08:04Oh, no, no, no.
08:05I couldn't possibly allow.
08:06Here.
08:07You already have.
08:09What's it to be?
08:10Do you have champagne?
08:11Yeah.
08:12Is that all right?
08:13Why not?
08:13It's your money.
08:14Well, if you absolutely insist.
08:18Charming, charming.
08:19May one inquire.
08:20Are you two meant?
08:22Hey, Susie.
08:23Now might be a good time to tell Arthur about your problem.
08:27You have a problem, my dear?
08:30We checked all the airlines and ports, so we're pretty sure she hasn't left the country.
08:35You think she's definitely in London, then?
08:38Where else would her sort go?
08:41Well, I think it's best if you get down there, supervise this thing personally.
08:45It'll have to be after the weekend, sir.
08:48I can't get out of that seminar.
08:50Deal with it before it's too late.
08:52It's gross.
08:54It's gross, my dear.
08:55It'll beat you.
08:56Well, he forces me to do things.
08:58Things I'd rather not talk about, actually.
09:01Things?
09:03What sort of things?
09:04Oh, good God.
09:06Oh, God knows what Erin Dawes would say if she knew such things took place in the sacred
09:09union of marriage.
09:10Well, maybe you should try educating her, Arthur.
09:13I'll try and excuse that stupid and extremely crass remark, Dave.
09:17Never mind, Arthur.
09:18Thing is, I told Susie you might be able to help her out.
09:21Rent her one of your flats, incognito-like.
09:24Rent?
09:24Oh, certainly, my dear, without hesitation.
09:26And from what you tell me, you obviously need minding.
09:29Minding?
09:30Protection from the dark malevolence of medical abuse.
09:33Oh, well, yeah, I suppose.
09:35Arthur, you know, unfortunately, all my properties are occupied at the moment, but fate has played
09:40a hand.
09:41A haven of security and home comforts has suddenly become available, complete with top-of-the-range
09:48minding facilities.
09:50Excuse us a moment.
09:51Arthur, what are you getting me into here?
09:53If you're thinking of installing Susie into my flat, well, you can forget it.
09:57No, no, no.
09:58Raymond.
09:58We're obviously dealing with a young lady of refinement and financial wherewithal.
10:03No, no, no.
10:03It wouldn't be proper to expose her to that level of squalor.
10:06Do what?
10:07No, no, no.
10:07The sanctuary I have in mind is much more suitable.
10:40Unacknowledged, anonymous, unknown.
10:40You certainly don't look poor and better to me.
10:42I'm shocked and appalled.
10:43You are clearly lacking in the ancestral chivalry associated with the daily bloodline.
10:48And you are also totally selfish as well.
10:50Selfish?
10:51What are you talking about?
10:52I'm talking about you denying your poor hard-working parents the opportunity to cop a nice little
10:56earner and so defer the costs of their pitiful package and the son.
11:00Yeah, how?
11:01Well, think about it.
11:02They'll cop for half the rent when they come back, won't they?
11:04That'll pay for most of their holiday.
11:06Now, what kind of son is going to deny his parents that?
11:10Arthur, you're unreal.
11:11She's made it clear she's prepared to pay for services rendered.
11:14I'm just grateful for him up there that I'm able to help.
11:17There is definitely something wrong with you.
11:19Hello, what's going on there?
11:21You don't think...
11:22Well, don't you stand there?
11:23Go and find out.
11:29Susie, are you okay?
11:31Yeah, I think so.
11:32These guys not bothering you, then?
11:35Just offering to buy the lady a drink, pal.
11:37No sweat.
11:38Didn't realise she was with you.
11:39Did we, Simon?
11:40No.
11:41Her apologies.
11:43Okay.
11:44No problem here, gentlemen, I trust?
11:46Not at the moment, no.
11:47You are?
11:48Arthur Daly, director and owner of this establishment.
11:51Part owner.
11:53Well, Mr Daly, we're just in for a drink, that's all.
11:56Oh, I'm sorry, gents.
11:57It's a members-only club, I'm afraid.
11:59That's a board decision, is it?
12:01No.
12:02Licensing law.
12:03Quite.
12:03We are a very select clientele, you understand?
12:06Oh, I understand.
12:07So, uh...
12:08Villains drinker, innit?
12:10Villains?
12:11Don't worry, Mr Daly.
12:12You could say we belong to the fraternity.
12:14You may do, but I happen to be highly respected businessman on this manner, who...
12:18You're all right, listen.
12:19May I add, enjoys an enduring social rapport with my friends in the upper echelands of
12:24the local constabulary.
12:25Villains, indeed.
12:26Right?
12:26Eject these slanderers.
12:28Now, hold up, Arthur.
12:28Are you sure?
12:29Do you think I'm going to stand here and have my good name besmirched by a couple of...
12:33just checking out the haunts of the local lowlife, Mr Daly?
12:37Strictly routine.
12:38Dave, don't just stand there.
12:39Give the boys a drink.
12:41On the house, of course.
12:44Ponytails and beatnik, clobber.
12:46Beatnik?
12:47I don't know what plod's coming to you.
12:48Whatever happened to anoraks?
12:49Obnail boots and short back and sides?
12:51They're simple.
12:52Times change.
12:53You don't.
12:54There's no asking the time from a policeman wearing a Mickey Mouse watch, Raymond.
12:58Think about that.
13:00Sorry about that, my dear.
13:01They mistook my ossuary for the Winchester 73.
13:04A North Wilson car seat full of cowboys.
13:07Yeah, I'm sure.
13:08Should I get my case from the taxi?
13:09Raymond would deal with the luggage.
13:12Ladies in my care always travel first class.
13:15Right, we'll get her installed.
13:16Look, Arthur, I'm not happy about this one bit.
13:18I want to start me own gag.
13:19Well, of course you do.
13:20Quite right, too.
13:21I mean, she may be webbed up with a beast, but she's still a married woman.
13:24Now, I expect you to act like a gentleman.
13:27Dignity, restraint, and model thingy.
13:30We're talking about lodging a total stranger at Mum's.
13:32And you know what she's like about her home?
13:33She'll go spare.
13:34Your mum has total faith in me.
13:36Now, give me the keys of the house and follow up in the cab.
13:39The keys have been entrusted to me.
13:47Sorry about that, my dear.
13:50Just checking out the most secure route.
13:53Professionalism is my credo.
13:55But who could possibly know I'm here with you?
13:58Precisely.
14:00This is perfect, Arthur.
14:02Perfect.
14:03You're a prince.
14:04You're a darkness.
14:05I'm glad you approved, my dear.
14:07A touch humble.
14:08Humble?
14:09Compared with what you're used to, no doubt.
14:10But it has a certain, I should say, something.
14:12I think you'll agree.
14:14Your mother's obviously very house-proud, right?
14:17Very.
14:19So, Arthur, what's all this going to cost me?
14:22Raymond, why don't you pop back upstairs and just check the security locks while Susie and I...
14:27Well, let's see, um, fully secure accommodation, total access to all facilities, washing machine, TV, phone, kitchen utensils, linen, etc.,
14:35etc., plus 24-hour protection service, and we won't mention VAT.
14:40A mere monkey per week, my dear.
14:42Five hundred?
14:42I know, I know.
14:44A suicidal discount on my normal charges, but call me an old softie.
14:49Susie's got enough on her plate without having to worry about money.
14:51Is that satisfactory, my dear?
14:53Seems very reasonable, Arthur.
14:55Does it?
14:56I'll write you a cheque.
14:57Ah.
14:58Or would you prefer a visa card?
15:03No, no.
15:04A cheque will be fine.
15:07You were right, James.
15:10About what?
15:11Arthur Daly.
15:12Hey, that man's a joke.
15:14Strictly 4th Division.
15:15Not worth our trouble.
15:16Yeah.
15:17Hard to believe he's driven three ranking officers to near nervous breakdowns over the last ten years.
15:28Oh, that seems in order.
15:29Thank you, my dear.
15:30No, thank you.
15:31Both of you.
15:32I can't express how grateful I am.
15:34No need.
15:35People in Stuck, daily care is my creed.
15:37Well, so long as you don't mind.
15:40Nonsense.
15:40Ray understands, don't you, Ray?
15:41Not entirely, no.
15:43There you are, then.
15:44Well, look, so long as I can get in touch, who should I get hold of?
15:46Your daily care lifeline.
15:48You will notice offices, mobile phone numbers, instant contact, night or daily, as the need arises.
15:53Oh, yes, and you'll need these to chub up.
15:56Arthur!
15:56And it goes without saying, we shall be monitoring your welfare constantly via our sophisticated communication systems.
16:02You are truly a knight-errant, Arthur.
16:04I haven't met many men like you in my life.
16:06I'll do my humble best.
16:07Come on, Ray.
16:09Oh, and do feel free to rest your weary in the master bedroom.
16:16Arthur, that's me mum and dad's bedroom.
16:18Well, of course it is.
16:19You can't expect a young lady of her quality to get her load down on a bunk bed in that
16:22box your mum calls a spare room.
16:23But I'm telling you, Arthur, when mum comes back and finds out, she's going to go guarantee.
16:27Not after I've informed her of that poor girl's flight and not after I've bunged her to her into her
16:31house.
16:31But you're copying five a week out of this.
16:33Exes and your wages have got to be met, haven't they?
16:36And don't think I didn't notice that nifty you pulled out of the Winchester.
16:39And guess where it came from.
16:41You were brassic this morning.
16:42And who suggested I pick up a fare?
16:44Precisely.
16:45And have I demanded my rightful percentage?
16:46Yeah, you drank it.
16:48Only to be hospitable.
16:49Anyway, enough of this, Bunny.
16:50I want to get this check banked and get home.
16:52Her indoors is doing fish.
16:54Look, I'll tell you what I want you to do.
16:55Seek out Willie the Weed, tell him I've got a bit of casual to put his way,
16:58and to be at the lock-up first thing Monday morning.
17:00You too.
17:01We've got new business to sort.
17:02Never mind that.
17:03I want to get this sorted.
17:04It is sorted.
17:06Look, never look a gift horse in the throat, Raymond.
17:08Susie's happy, I'm happy, and defrayed holiday expenses will make your mum and dad happy.
17:12I'm not happy.
17:13Given time and the stability I can offer you, you will be.
17:16Arthur, we don't know who she is, where she comes from.
17:19I mean, what kind of real ag she's got.
17:20It could be total nonsense.
17:21How do we know?
17:22Stop worrying.
17:24There is no way anyone's going to trace her here, is there?
17:28There is no way.
17:30There is no way.
17:42There is no way.
17:44There is no way.
17:56I mean, what kind of process?
18:23Oh, Willie, glad you could get along.
18:24Yeah, well, Ray says you've got a bit of casual to put my way.
18:27Well, you know me, Willie.
18:28Always keen to reduce the unemployment figures.
18:30And I heard you were a bit short.
18:32Of the Reddy's age.
18:35What's that part of wood outside?
18:37Product for the punters.
18:38I'm making a foray into the mail order market.
18:40And you and Willie are going to be at the cutting edge of the operation.
18:52Excellent, Willie, excellent.
18:53You've obviously done this sort of thing before.
18:56What are they for?
18:57For?
18:58Well, they're bookends.
19:00Bookends?
19:01Yeah.
19:03Bookends.
19:03You're selling plain lumps of wood for bookends?
19:06No, no, no.
19:07You smooth down the rough edges with a bit of sandpaper.
19:10Then they're bookends.
19:11£5.99 a pair, plus post and packing, inclusive of VAT.
19:15You've got to be kidding.
19:16Who's going to stand for that?
19:17Ray, there's a multitude of punters out there who'll stand for anything.
19:20If you can cater for their small needs and fantasies of bargain prices.
19:24And there's a sack full of orders in my office to prove it.
19:28Is Susie settled in all right?
19:29Yeah, as far as I can tell, she hasn't nicked any of the cutlery yet.
19:32Good.
19:32Well, come with me.
19:33I'll show you what I want you to do while I'm dealing with the correspondent side of this business.
19:40So, what's the move?
19:41Well, working on the theory that a leopard doesn't change its spots.
19:47I have here a list of people and addresses we can start checking out.
19:56You've got to hand it to our friend of your bookends, though.
19:59I don't know how he dreams them up.
20:01Yeah, well, he works on the theory that if you find a mug, strangle them.
20:04Well, you'd have to be a right prat to buy these.
20:06Yeah, that's for sure.
20:12Melissa Mason?
20:14Yes?
20:15I've been anticipating someone like you arriving.
20:18In that case, I'm sure you wouldn't mind inviting me in so that we can have a little chat.
20:28Oh, Raymond. Cracking on?
20:29Yes, you're right.
20:30Hey, listen, Arthur, I'm going to grab a spot of lunch.
20:32Give over to Mum's, check things out, you know?
20:34There's nothing to check out.
20:36I've talked to the client on the dog, and she tells me she's comfortable, relaxed,
20:39and appreciative of the privacy we're affording her.
20:42Yeah, well, I'm not too relaxed or comfortable, so I'm going to check things out, all right?
20:45Ray, may I remind you, you are in my employ, and we have work to do.
20:49Here, slap these labels on those parcels, ready to post as soon as the checks have been cleared.
20:53Arthur!
20:54When you've done that, nip round the collection agency and pick up the new bunch of orders.
20:58Ain't you heard of the Industrial Relations Act?
21:00Lunch is for wimps.
21:01Arthur, this is Wilsden, not Wall Street.
21:11Any joy?
21:15Maybe.
21:16Detective Inspector Stiles is with Manchester CID, gentlemen, and is here to request our assistance.
21:23Perhaps you'd care to explain the position, Inspector?
21:25I'm trying to locate a young woman by the name of Susan Groves.
21:29She is an essential element in an inquiry I'm conducting.
21:32Is she a witness or a suspect, sir?
21:35Unfortunately, because of the nature of the case, that is privileged information.
21:38However, it is vital that I locate her as soon as possible.
21:42We have reason to believe she's in great physical danger.
21:45Well, anything we can do to help, sir.
21:47The one positive lead we have at the moment is that she took her black cab on Friday from Heathrow,
21:52and the driver possibly lives near here in the Wilson area.
21:56If I can locate him, I can find out where he took her.
21:59There's an awful lot of cabbies living in this menace, sir.
22:02Could take some time to run a maul down.
22:04I'm aware of that.
22:06However, I do have a good description of him.
22:09I've written it down for you.
22:11Also, a partial reg number of the cab.
22:13Perhaps you could run it through the computer.
22:15Is that the woman you're looking for, sir?
22:17If you do locate him, you're not to question him.
22:20You're to contact me immediately.
22:22My hotel number is also there.
22:24Clear?
22:27That's the bird we saw in the Winchester.
22:29Why don't you say something?
22:31Why didn't you?
22:32Because you didn't.
22:34This description of the driver reminds you of someone?
22:40Oi, Willie.
22:41Where do you think you're off to?
22:42Well, Ray's just popped out for some lunch.
22:44He's done what?
22:45He said I should do the same.
22:46I was just going to nip down a pie and mash.
22:49Casual labourers are not entitled, Willie.
22:51Haven't you read the Industrial Relations Act?
22:52Section 4, paragraph 2?
22:54Uh, no, not really.
22:56I mean, personally, I'm against that amendment.
22:57I think it's iniquitous.
22:58But what can I do?
23:00I mean, it's more than my business is worth to flout the rules.
23:02Sorry, Willie.
23:03You'll have to carry on grafting.
23:04I'll be back later.
23:05Yeah, right.
23:07Hey, where shall I tell Ray you'll be,
23:09case he wants to know when he comes back?
23:11I'm going to the bank to deposit some readies,
23:13and then I'll pop into the Winchester for a wet lunch.
23:15That doesn't seem fair.
23:17Willie, try and remember,
23:20you don't get what's fair in this life.
23:22You get what you negotiate.
23:28Here it is.
23:29Albert John, cab driver.
23:31And there's an address.
23:33There's a local.
23:58Ray, this is silly.
23:59I can go on my own.
24:01Listen, you're paying to be looked after.
24:02That's what I'm supposed to do.
24:03So what's the problem?
24:05I'll be all right, honestly.
24:07It's no trouble.
24:08Come on.
24:10Hiya.
24:10That's him.
24:12And the cab.
24:18Are you sure about this?
24:19I mean, shouldn't we just report it in?
24:22Let me ask you something, James.
24:24Are you interested in advancing your career?
24:27Who?
24:28Me.
24:29Quite.
24:31We find out what's going down.
24:33What a colleague from Manchester is investigating, exactly.
24:38And who knows what glories there are to begin.
24:42I guess Aunty can't be a skint member if she can afford to stay here.
24:45You really don't mind if you don't meet her, do you, Ray?
24:47I don't know if she's as frail as you say.
24:49We don't have to dramatise this situation.
24:50Well, how long are you going to be anyway?
24:52Oh.
24:53Okay, you're waiting to buy, then.
25:24I don't know if she's as frail as you say.
25:47Not only did she slip me a dud,
25:49but the bank charges me 15 soz for writing me a letter to tell me about it.
25:52Bit of a liberty, that is, Arthur.
25:54Iniquitous usury, that's what it is, Dave.
25:56JC knew what he was about when he upped them tables in the temple.
25:59You reckon if Susie Byrds had you over then?
26:02I blame that Emily Parkhurst.
26:03She started all this, chaining herself to the rails,
26:06suffragetting women's lib all over the place.
26:08Been better if she bolted herself to the train rails.
26:11Yeah, I guess that would have stopped her in her tracks.
26:14History warned us, Dave.
26:15History warned us.
26:16Bo to see her, there was another one.
26:18Them wheels with all them knives at nether level.
26:19Well, that don't need no working out.
26:22And we stood it.
26:23We stood it.
26:24We gave them the vote.
26:25We invited them into the male arena.
26:27Equal opportunities, equal pay.
26:29And where has all this homage to the spare rib lead?
26:32To a fairer society, Arthur.
26:34Rubber checks, Dave.
26:35Bits of paper that bounce at the bank.
26:37Well, look, maybe the girl forgot.
26:38Machiavellian madams.
26:39Fan fatales, that's where it's led.
26:42Wily waifs who perpetrate diabolical deceits
26:45on the honourable male of the species, i.e. me.
26:48I take it the chivalry debate is dead.
26:52Sanctuary and sucker I offered that girl, Dave.
26:54And what did I get in return?
26:55A knife between the blades.
26:56Yeah, well, thank God she won't drive on a chariot.
26:58But it's got to stop.
26:59It's got to stop.
27:00The dignity of manhood has got to be upheld.
27:03Immediate withdrawal of facilities and eviction.
27:05That's the answer.
27:06Yeah, Arthur.
27:07You ain't chucking a girl out on the street just like that.
27:10No, Ray is.
27:11Listen, Arthur, you've got to give the girl a chance to explain.
27:14Anyway, after all that spiel you gave Ray,
27:17you don't want to mug yourself in front of the boy.
27:18I suppose you might be right.
27:20They even gave Joan of Arc a chance to cop a plea.
27:23Arthur.
27:23All right, all right.
27:24I'll consider what she says.
27:26But if she hasn't got the wedge, she's on the pavement.
27:28You're all heart, Arthur.
27:30Oh, by the way.
27:31What?
27:32Pankhurst.
27:34Emily Pankhurst.
27:35Yeah, I know.
27:36They named a shovel after her on the Isle of Wight.
27:39That ought to have told you something.
27:48You still in there?
27:49Yeah.
27:50Hasn't moved except to make a quick call.
27:52What's happening?
27:53She's visiting some woman in 301.
27:56Want me to check the reception?
27:58See her?
27:58Already have.
27:59They were a bit snotty.
28:01All I got was her name.
28:02I miss Laura Adams, and that she's a regular guest.
28:05That figures.
28:07Oi, oi.
28:07Here she comes.
28:12If they move on, I'll follow them up.
28:13You stay here.
28:15Find the house, Dick.
28:17They're usually ex-cops.
28:18Might be more approachable.
28:20If the woman in 301 is a regular,
28:22he'll probably know something about her.
28:25What do you mean he's not here?
28:26That's what I mean.
28:27He ain't here.
28:28He rang Frodo, said he was with this bird.
28:31Susie, I think you said her name was.
28:32I knew it.
28:33I should have known.
28:35Something wrong, Arthur?
28:36Arthur.
28:38You really should get some ointment or something for that rash, will he?
28:41Looks terrible.
28:47Raymond!
28:48Young lady!
28:49I know you're in there.
28:51It's me, Arthur.
28:54Let me in!
29:05Raymond!
29:07Raymond!
29:08Raymond!
29:08Raymond, I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means.
29:12She's a married woman who kites up the unsuspecting.
29:15Raymond!
29:16Raymond!
29:23Where have you two been?
29:25To a hotel.
29:26I thought as much.
29:27I want a word with you, young lady.
29:35Nevertheless, that doesn't explain bogus kites have been referred to drawer.
29:38Well, we had a joint account.
29:40My husband must have closed it as soon as he knew I'd left.
29:44Arthur, I'm so sorry.
29:45This is so embarrassing.
29:47That's all very well, young lady.
29:48Turn it in, Arthur.
29:49You've already upset her enough, and me, for suggesting that we've been at it.
29:53Oh, it's little Mr. Nighting shining all of a sudden, is it?
29:55You were the one that was against the idea.
29:57Well, never mind about that, eh?
29:58Look, Arthur, I will be able to pay you, if you can just trust me, for a few days.
30:03My aunt's already arranged this well-paid job for me, and I'm sure she'd advance me alone
30:07if I asked her.
30:08Alone?
30:08Yeah, in cash, if that's preferable.
30:10Oh, yeah, oh, oh, yeah.
30:12Come on, ask what sort of job you're...
30:14Researcher.
30:15And the great thing is, I'll be able to do most of it from home.
30:18I mean, here.
30:20Satisfied?
30:21Did I say she couldn't dwell?
30:23Of course you can stay, my dear.
30:25The dailies may be many things, but un-galant is not one of them.
30:28Arthur, thank you.
30:31I won't let you down, I promise.
30:33I know you won't.
30:34And do you think it'll be all right with your auntie if you had the loan in Reddy's?
30:37Oh, don't you ever stop.
30:38It's not for my personal gain, Raymond.
30:40It's a token of respect for your parents.
30:42It'd be most unfair to disappoint them now.
30:45Especially after I've phoned them in Majorca to tell them my nice little windfall's waiting
30:48for them when they get back.
30:49Oh, no, you haven't.
30:52Laugh, but tell me that you haven't.
30:59Raymond, some people are telling you there's no room in business for sentiment, but not
31:03Arthur Daly.
31:04Arthur, tell me you didn't ring mum.
31:06Oh, never mind all that.
31:07I want you back on a mail run.
31:18Have I got news for you.
31:22Make someone else wash up.
31:25Hey, Arthur, what does it mean?
31:272.99 plus P&P.
31:28What, for this?
31:29Yeah, it's a new line.
31:30Philosophical bomb modes, witty epigrams.
31:32Punters love them.
31:33Stick them on their fridge, back of the car, whatever.
31:35Well, like, you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps, that sort of thing.
31:38Look, all you've got to worry about is bung in one of them with a compliment slip into
31:42those self-addressed envelopes.
31:44Where are you going?
31:45Down the car lot to conclude a deal on a motor, deposit some reddies, and collect some that
31:49are overdue.
31:50Yeah, but what does it mean?
31:52You're the one with the O-levels, Raymond.
31:54Whatever you want it to mean.
31:56Arthur, all right, if I stop for a sandwich?
31:57Section 4, paragraph 2, Willie.
32:20Game on.
32:23You want me to clean all of them, Arthur?
32:25That's right, Wasp.
32:26And Pristine.
32:27Otherwise, we'll have to renegotiate your waiters.
32:52Hey, who are you?
32:54I know you.
32:55You're, um, you're, you're, you're, what's his name?
32:57The, uh, TV bloke.
32:58Arthur, you're a bit early, aren't you?
33:01Uh, yeah.
33:01Well, I, uh, must be Arthur.
33:03Yeah, I, I'll find out what I can and be in touch, okay?
33:06Yes.
33:07Sorry about it.
33:08Robert, Robert, Robert, um, no, no, no.
33:10You, you do them investigation programs.
33:12Arthur Daly.
33:12Honour to meet you.
33:24Your auntie does know some influential people, don't she?
33:27Showbiz and all.
33:28I am impressed.
33:29Hey, what, what, um, what exactly are you researching?
33:34Arthur, what can you be thinking?
33:36No, I was just upstairs getting change.
33:38Robert had to phone the studio.
33:39He called up to say he was leaving just as you arrived.
33:42Ah.
33:42He's doing a program on corruption in Brazil.
33:45Rio de Janeiro, I think.
33:46Rio?
33:47Hmm, he needs some political background stuff, you know.
33:49Really?
33:50Well, I might be able to be of some assistance there.
33:52I have a number of contacts who know Ronnie very well.
33:55Ronnie?
33:56Bigsy.
33:57Who?
33:58Ronnie Biggs, great train robber.
34:00Prisoner of Rio.
34:01I mean, if Robert wants me to discuss it on the program,
34:04I could make myself available.
34:05Oh, well, that's very...
34:08I'll see what he says.
34:09Listen, in the meantime, I'll never upstairs and get your wrench, all right?
34:12Oh, yes, thank you.
34:33There we go, Arthur.
34:34Oh, thank you, my dear.
34:35That's all there, Arthur.
34:40Yes, that's all there.
34:50I've got him.
34:52Good.
34:53I think I can see why our DI from up north is interested in this lady.
34:58But given Daly's track record,
35:00it's a bit of a puzzle to see what his involvement is.
35:03So maybe he's getting ambitious?
35:13You face it, Arthur, you haven't got a good side.
35:17What was your gun on about anyway?
35:19Image, Ray.
35:20Image.
35:20Perhaps even fame.
35:21Fame.
35:22I could become a much sought-after pundit
35:24on the politics of crime and corruption in Brazil.
35:27The world, even.
35:28Yeah, all right.
35:29I'll pretend I'm taking you seriously.
35:31No, it's true.
35:32Susie's doing some research for Robert...
35:34What's his name?
35:35That bloke who does the expose progs on the box.
35:38And he is showing keen interest in having me on the show
35:41to present my expert testimony.
35:43He seems a nice man.
35:45What?
35:46You met him?
35:47Yeah, around the house.
35:48Oh, by the way, Susie paid on.
35:50Lovely girl.
35:51I knew she had class from the off.
35:53Oh, yeah?
35:54Well, maybe Robert Watson's name would be interested
35:56in exposing extortionist charges for services not rendered.
36:00Meaning?
36:01Well, apart from the lovely Susie,
36:04I've worked out what it means.
36:06Ooh.
36:07Yeah.
36:08I found this in one of these mags.
36:11Attention, housewives.
36:12The secret of keeping your hands soft.
36:15Send 299 plus P&P to box number 206.
36:19Make somebody else wash up.
36:22Now, you tell me that ain't a con, Arthur.
36:24You tell me that's legal.
36:25Of course it's legal.
36:27I haven't told Porky's.
36:28It works.
36:29You ought to try it.
36:30And you don't think you're going to get a few complaints
36:32from our rate partners quoting the Trace Description Act?
36:34Ray, there are always a few ingrates
36:36who don't appreciate a bargain.
36:38That is why it's a box number.
36:39Yeah, and why is this with you, quoting all these acts?
36:42You've even got Willie going bolshie on me.
36:44You could be nicked.
36:45Not a chance.
36:46Have I promised anything I've failed to deliver?
36:49The skill is in the way you word them.
36:50Common practice in the advertising game.
36:52Oh, please, Arthur.
36:53Get therapy.
36:55I've got to tell you, Arthur,
36:56if I don't take a break soon, I'm going to pass out.
36:59See?
37:02Car dealers.
37:03What?
37:04Miss Mason, the woman I spoke to at the Kensington house.
37:08She told me the driver mentioned something else
37:10about this Uncle Arthur of his,
37:12apart from the property thing.
37:14He's also a car dealer.
37:17Find him.
37:18We find the driver.
37:21We find her.
37:23Cheers.
37:26All the best.
37:28Here you are, Dave.
37:30Car.
37:31Not on the slate, Arthur.
37:33Business must be booming.
37:34That is because I'm now into what you might call
37:36a growth industry.
37:38Put a large one in there, Dave.
37:39Of course.
37:51I have to admit, Dave,
37:52that my amazing insight
37:54into the way that...
37:55Is there something wrong with your menses?
37:57There's something wrong about you, Arthur.
37:59Well, well, well.
38:00Isn't the little gendarmes?
38:01Give the lads a drink, Dave.
38:02Not this time, Arthur.
38:03We're on duty.
38:04And you are under arrest.
38:06Anything you say will be taken down and et cetera.
38:09I'm sure you're familiar with the form.
38:10Arrest?
38:11Me?
38:13You must be on drugs.
38:15What for?
38:15Living off immoral earnings.
38:17Running a brothel.
38:19Being a pimp.
38:20And that's just for starters.
38:22A pimp?
38:23A ponce?
38:25How dare you?
38:26I may have been viciously maligned
38:28and slandered in the dim and distant
38:30for one or two minor peccadilloes,
38:31but never, never has it been mooted
38:34that Arthur Daly was a nonce or a ponce.
38:36Really?
38:37The name Susan Groves
38:39won't mean anything to you, then.
38:42Susan Groves?
38:43You know.
38:44The tart you've got operating
38:46from your brother's house.
38:47Oh, my good God.
38:51This is all a ghastly mistake.
38:53Rits will be issued
38:55for libel and false arrest.
38:59You're winding me up.
39:01No, no, I'm serious, Ray.
39:02You know that young clob
39:03with a ponytail on his mate?
39:05They are carting him off the neck
39:06as we speak.
39:08Yeah, well, you better get over
39:09to your mum's gaff
39:10as quick as you can.
39:11Hasn't got a nephew, has he?
39:12Drives a black cab.
39:14Nah, Ray's his nephew.
39:15His dad drives a cab.
39:17Arthur's brother, Bert.
39:18Bert?
39:19Yeah.
39:20Yeah, well, that's who
39:21we're trying to find, really.
39:22We owe him some money.
39:23Live hereabouts, does he?
39:24I think so.
39:26I don't know.
39:27Be in a book, I suppose.
39:31Leave me alone.
39:32This is not necessary.
39:33You get your hands off me.
39:34My ass.
39:35All right.
39:36All right, I'm doing.
39:37Don't push.
39:39Don't come back.
39:40Ray!
39:41For God's sake, Ray,
39:42what are you doing?
39:44How could you humiliate me like this?
39:46You've got some front, aren't you?
39:47I'll give you that.
39:49Arthur's been nicked out of you.
39:51And I want to know what is going on.
39:55Now.
39:57So how do you explain these?
40:06Research.
40:06She told me she's doing research.
40:08I swear it.
40:09Research.
40:10That's a new word for it.
40:11No, these are her clients.
40:13Punters, Arthur.
40:15Punters.
40:16Arriving every two hours, on average.
40:18Every two?
40:19No, no, no.
40:20There's been some diabolical misunderstanding.
40:23Met any of these clients, have you, Arthur?
40:26Um, well, no.
40:27Not per se, so to speak.
40:30Oh.
40:33Can't be your brother.
40:35You said he was a Mallorca.
40:39Have a little arrangement with him, do you?
40:42He and your sister-in-law sit in the sun,
40:45while you organize the business end
40:46and collect the proceeds.
40:49Bert and Doreen?
40:50I can see it all now.
40:53Entire family run House of Vice for celebrities.
40:56The media's going to love it.
41:00Could I have a glass of water?
41:03Please.
41:05I mean, what do you think I am?
41:06What kind of mug do you take me for?
41:08Ray, it's really not what you think.
41:10Please, don't be angry with me.
41:12It's not what I think.
41:13What, on me mother's bed?
41:14Look, Ray, I was just feeling really depressed.
41:18We were talking about the work you wanted me to do,
41:20and it just happened.
41:21I'm so sorry.
41:22Just stop it, I just pack it in.
41:24I mean, look at this.
41:25A mobile phone, appointments, books, names, times,
41:28even a bloody bleeper.
41:30Ray.
41:31Yeah, and that bird I took you to in Kensington.
41:33Well, she's got to be a brass too, hasn't she?
41:34I should have bloody sussed it.
41:36Ray.
41:37No, you just, you just get your gear
41:39and you get out of here.
41:42Tell us about Laura Adams, Arthur.
41:45Laura Adams?
41:47You know.
41:48The high-class madam you've got recruiting tarts
41:51at a certain Mayfair hotel.
41:53The one your nephew took Susan Groves to sign up with.
41:56High-class madam?
41:57No, no, no, that's her auntie.
41:59The one who lent her the money and got her a job.
42:02Her indoors life, I swear it.
42:04Her in what?
42:05My good lady wife, God bless her.
42:08He likes to keep it in the family, don't he?
42:10You know, I think we ought to bring her in for questioning.
42:13Probably keeps the books.
42:15Oh, not her indoors, no, not that.
42:17The shop, no, be merciful.
42:19Then you better put your hands up, Arthur,
42:21because we've got you banged to rights.
42:25You're going to the Nick.
42:36I tell you, I don't believe it.
42:39Listen, boy, she's out of business,
42:40so on your toes, I don't...
42:41Stay out of here.
42:41Run.
42:43Hey!
42:44Help me!
42:45They're going to kill me!
42:46Hey!
42:48Ah!
42:48No, no, no, no!
42:53Ah!
42:56Ah!
42:59Ah!
42:59Oh!
42:59Oh!
43:01Ah!
43:04Oh!
43:06Ah!
43:08Ah!
43:08Ah!
43:31Now I want you to tell me, without any bloody cover-up, exactly what is going on here.
43:38And then, you can tell it to the old Bill.
43:42You feel upset. How do you think I feel?
43:45There's no comparison. I've been entombed in a place of the doomed.
43:48They're bold and are damned. I feel quite wretched.
43:51If you're after the sympathy vote, Arthur, I'm not obliging.
43:54Look, I still don't quite understand what was going on.
43:56I mean, that... that tale about her husband, was that a total porky?
44:01Completely.
44:02Well, she was an upmarket hooker in Manchester,
44:04who just happens to get the bright idea about blackmailing some of her more prominent punters.
44:08Who just happens to include a certain judge in some very eminent plod.
44:12The Jezebel. No wonder they wanted her to nick her so badly.
44:14No, Arthur. They didn't want to nick her.
44:16They wanted to shut her up permanently.
44:23Joking.
44:24Joking? Do you see me laughing, Dave?
44:26Am I creased with mirth?
44:28So what's going to happen to her, then?
44:29Well, my bet is they'll do a deal with her.
44:31Ain't going to let a scandal like that come to light, are they?
44:33Well, I don't know what's happened to this once green and pleasant.
44:36Top jollies, consulting with strumpets, rampant reporters.
44:39Where's it all going to end?
44:41Makes you think, doesn't it?
44:42And who is it who suffers, Dave?
44:43The poor, honest entrepreneur.
44:45He is the one who gets fitted.
44:47It's no wonder Bob took the plunge and has all done a runner.
44:50The end is nigh when you can't rely on the establishment to act proper.
44:54You know there's something wrong with him, Dave.
44:55God knows what her in Buckhouse thinks of it all.
44:58Well, nothing compared to what my mum's going to think.
45:00You're talking a witch.
45:01No, no, not now, Ray, not now.
45:02I need at least one large one before I can even think about that.
45:08Willie, what are you doing here?
45:26I'll have a drink, Arthur.
45:27Make it a short.
45:31My wife saw this ad here.
45:33Said I should send off.
45:35Be six inches taller by using nature's natural resources.
45:42Amazing discovery.
45:44Guaranteed.
45:45Send $5.99 plus P&P.
45:48Tall orders.
45:50Box 206.
45:57Have you got any idea what a prat I feel?
46:06Willie, you should have said.
46:08I could have let you have them cost.
46:12Oh, this is dire, Ray, dire.
46:16You'll have to sort it and replace everything before they come back.
46:19I'm going to have to sort it.
46:20Well, I didn't do it.
46:21Then listen, Arthur.
46:22I've just...
46:22All right, all right, all right.
46:23Maybe even have some of the rent money we copped towards restitution.
46:27Oh, Lord.
46:37Mum, Dad, what are you doing here?
46:39The hotel was terrible, and it done nothing but rain all the time.
46:42So then she decided we should cut all the losses and come home.
46:45Yes.
46:46I told him to take the anoraks.
46:48Mum, Mum, don't go in there.
46:49Ah!
46:54Arthur!
46:55Bye-bye.
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