Minder. S04 E02. Senior Citizen Caine.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 18th January 1984.  Recently-widowed garage owner Cecil Caine asks for Terry's help in protecting his interests.  Dennis Waterman - Terry George Cole - Arthur Lionel Jeffries - Cecil Caine Keith Barron - Johnny Caine Angela Richards - Sheila Jones Glynn Edwards - Dave Susan Fleetwood - Sonia Caine Fiona Curzon - Christine Caine John Carlin - Derek James Cosmo - Jock McLeish Griffith Davies - Drunk Norman Lumsden - Vicar Kenneth Keeling - Doctor Roberts Stan Pretty - Eddie Chris Webb - Bob Anthony Hall - The V.A.T. Man Iain Rattray  - Scotsman Jonathan Barlow  - Policeman Gillian Taylforth - Girl in Pub Kim Taylforth  - Girl in Pub Kenneth Coombs - Mourner Charlie Gray - Mourner Alf Mangan - Mourner with Tape Deck Michael Stevens - Mourner Barry Summerford - Van Driver Cy Town  Funeral Greeter

Transcript

00:00Morning pie, sleep well? Yes, I slept well, Tom. No, the boys are not up yet. Yes, I fed the cattle.

00:21Curtains open or close for breakfast this morning pie. Lovely day. Lovely.

00:30Fine. Fine.

00:48Oh, it must be Dad. What the hell? Is he up to?

00:51Can't anyone sleep with this ass? Not even eight o'clock yet.

00:56Morning, Sonia.

01:00What's the big idea, Dad?

01:06Oh, blimey. You're out of your pit before midday.

01:11Hadn't you any better to take Mum up for breakfast?

01:14Not much point, Son.

01:16What do you mean, no point? Is she all right?

01:18In her manner of speaking.

01:20What's he on the bed?

01:22She's passed on.

01:29Oh, my God.

01:30Come on, Johnny.

01:31On your bike, Derek.

01:42Hello, Charlie. Arthur here. How's Trix?

01:48Look, I've just taken delivery of something rather special that I thought you might be interested in.

02:05But listen to this, Charlie. The Spirit of Parliament. Ireland Scotch whisky, exclusively blended for the House of Commons. Not for sale to the common public.

02:18There you go, Squire. Have a nice day.

02:24I've got one dozen cases and I'm knocking them out at half a tonne of case. What do you say, Charlie?

02:30Joking. Forty. Listen, Charlie, we're talking about top-notch Scotch here. This is your real falling-down juice. You what?

02:38All right, all right. Yeah, I'll get back to you later, Charlie.

02:41Tight-fisted git.

02:43Nice drop of Scotch?

02:45Twelve years old, if I'm a day.

02:46From the well-known clan of my kamikaze?

02:48Oh, very droll.

02:50I'll be in Tokyo for you.

02:53Terry, the Japs have got this down to a fine art. You can't tell the difference. They're having kittens up in Jockland.

02:59Here, do one for us, will you? I want to bung Johnny Cain a couple of bottles.

03:03Who's he when he's at home?

03:04One of Cecil Cain's boys.

03:05Did her indoors do these?

03:07You know Cecil Cain. We've got that big garage on the ring road.

03:10Mercs and rollers, wall to wall.

03:12Oh, yeah.

03:13Do you know how he started? Mending pushbikes in a garden shed in the 20s.

03:18Marvellous, bro. He was the first geezer to stuff a bright nylon shirt down a dodgy gearbox.

03:23His name is revered on the carlots of this town, Terry.

03:26One of your veteran villain mates, eh?

03:28In the midst of time.

03:30In the midst of time.

03:31In the midst of time.

03:33You do not have to lick the labels. You purchase a small sponge, dampen it, apply it to the gluey side and the rest is a doddle.

03:38Well, you can do it yourself, then. It's early closing, innit?

03:40No, it can't be.

03:41Looks like it.

03:42No, no, no, no. There he is. We're sorting it later, Terry.

03:43You can do it yourself, then. It's early closing, innit?

03:44No, it can't be.

03:45Looks like it.

03:46No, no, no, no. There he is. We're sorting it later, Terry.

03:47We won't sort it later.

03:48Oi, you. Oi!

03:49I'm not doing a stroke until I've got a few sobs in me pocket.

03:52Terry.

03:53Now.

03:54Oh, all right. Twenty.

03:55Thirty.

03:56Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There he is. We're sorting it later, Terry.

04:00We won't sort it later. Oi, you. Oi! I'm not doing a stroke until I've got a few sobs in me pocket.

04:06Terry.

04:07Now.

04:08Oh, all right. Twenty.

04:09Thirty.

04:10There, look. There's twenty-five there. Now, shoo, shoo, shoo.

04:11You want the old son? Good to see you.

04:12Early closing?

04:13No, no, no. Extraordinary circumstances. Shall we get on? It's round the back.

04:14Leave me to it.

04:15Oh, no, no.

04:16Oh, no.

04:17Oh, no.

04:18Oh, no.

04:19Oh, no.

04:20Oh, no.

04:21Oh, no.

04:22Oh, no.

04:23Oh, no.

04:24Oh, no.

04:25Oh, no.

04:26Oh, no.

04:27Oh, no.

04:28Oh, no.

04:29Oh, no.

04:30Oh, no.

04:31Oh, no.

04:32Oh, no.

04:33Oh, no.

04:34Oh, no.

04:35Oh, no.

04:36Leave me to it.

04:39Oh, yes.

04:40Seventy-six Corniche.

04:42Coachwork by Mulliner Park Ward.

04:44Automatic air conditioning.

04:46Duplicate power break.

04:47Ooh.

04:48Spot on, Arthur.

04:49Oh, and there's those Camargue-style front seats.

04:52Oh, I nearly forgot, Johnny.

04:54A little present for you.

04:55Ah.

04:56It's Arthur.

04:57Clock the label.

04:59Yeah, nice.

05:00You all right, Johnny?

05:02You look a bit long in a boat.

05:03What's up?

05:04Look at her.

05:05Someone's died.

05:06Yeah.

05:07My match.

05:08Oh, my God.

05:09Johnny, what can I say?

05:11Talk about footing it.

05:13No, no.

05:14It's all right.

05:15They sure work to know.

05:16Poor old boy.

05:17How's Cecil taking it?

05:18Well, he's a bit wobbly as it happens.

05:19Mind you, it wasn't exactly a surprise she had to take to her bed five years ago, and

05:23the old man's been looking after her ever since.

05:25No.

05:26Here, look, Johnny.

05:27You want to call this off?

05:28No, no, no.

05:29No.

05:30That's it.

05:31Life must go on.

05:32True, true.

05:33In the midst of death, we are, and all that.

05:35You'll bring your damn payment?

05:36Three and a half k's.

05:37Return them by the weekend, if I change my mind.

05:40Otherwise, the balance is due over two months.

05:43Ignition keys, Arthur?

05:44Oh.

05:45Oh, er, when's the funeral?

05:46I feel I ought to attend.

05:47No, no, no, Arthur.

05:48Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

05:49There's no call.

05:50Vi and Cecil hold a very special place in my heart.

05:53I'd never forgive myself for not showing.

05:55Well, it's tomorrow.

05:56That's what happens.

05:57Mind you, Arthur, I'd rather you didn't bowl up in the Corniche.

06:02Key goes in the middle.

06:03Oh, yeah.

06:04In fact, I'd rather you didn't mention it at all.

06:05Because the old man in deck might just get a bit agitated.

06:08Say no more, Johnny.

06:09Say no more.

06:10Your gain is my gain.

06:11Air conditioning in the middle.

06:12Yeah.

06:13Her indoors will be over the moon.

06:14She's got these feet, you see.

06:15Well, I just run it round the block a few times, make sure the wheels don't fall off.

06:18Ha, ha, ha.

06:19Oh, give Cecil my heartfelt and deepest condolences, please.

06:22Let me check that.

06:46Nice car, Captain.

06:47Oh, car.

06:48They're a cup of tea, Captain.

06:49Fiver for a cup of tea.

06:50Fiver?

06:51Where you going, the Savoy?

06:52Well, quid then.

06:53Quid, for a nice hot meal.

06:54All right, pal.

06:55A quid it is.

06:56There you are.

06:57Bastard ponce.

06:58Pardon?

06:59Parasite.

07:00Oh, that is nice, isn't it?

07:01Very nice.

07:02Bourgeois git!

07:06Police ought to get such people off the streets.

07:08You want to get your entrance cleaned up, Dave.

07:10Large vodka and tonic.

07:11Charity stays at home from now on, I tell you.

07:13I'll have a lager and all.

07:14Vagrants.

07:15They should be licensed.

07:16What are you rambling on about?

07:17Hey, have you told Dave about your afternoon's work?

07:19You know...

07:21Oh, no, no.

07:22Go ahead, go ahead.

07:23Dave?

07:24Yeah.

07:25Have a look at that.

07:27That's very intriguing, Arthur.

07:29I've got a dozen cases.

07:30What do you reckon?

07:31The question is, Arthur, how did you come by it?

07:33I mean, I can't be too careful.

07:34No, no, no, Dave.

07:35Strictly between the three of us.

07:36My local MP drops in occasionally for a drink and a bit of grassroots advice.

07:39He's on very good terms with his member.

07:41Yeah.

07:42And he done me a favour?

07:44The trouble is, Arthur, you should have stuck some of these labels on upside down.

07:48Why?

07:49If any optics.

07:50Oh, why didn't we think of that?

07:52You done them all to...

07:55Oh, very amusing.

07:56Very amusing.

07:57I shall go elsewhere and you will be the loser.

07:59Oh, dear, oh, dear.

08:00You can take the smile off your face, too.

08:02We're going to a funeral tomorrow.

08:03I thought you were with him.

08:05That changed, didn't I?

08:06I looked at Derek.

08:07Oh, magic.

08:08You just said you wanted to.

08:09Take a stroll in the garden.

08:10Yes, we know.

08:11Why don't you get the kids inside, Derek?

08:12Oh, Tracy, Nick.

08:19Nice to see you.

08:38What are you doing here?

08:39She was my mother-in-law, too, wasn't she?

08:41We got divorced, remember?

08:43And who's that?

08:46A friend.

08:48There's no pickings, Christine.

08:50I don't know what you mean.

08:54Sorry we're late, Johnny.

08:56Sad day.

08:57Yeah, even sadder if the old man don't show up.

09:00Eh?

09:01Been here.

09:02He went off first thing this morning.

09:03God knows where.

09:04I'll tell you this, Arthur.

09:05I hate to say.

09:06Yeah, thank you, thank you.

09:07I hate to say this, but I think the poor old son needs protecting from himself.

09:11Where the blood流 have you been?

09:27Who are you?

09:36Arthur Daly.

09:37Oh, yeah, that's funny, that's funny.

09:38Who are you?

09:39Arthur Daly.

09:40Oh, yeah, that's funny.

09:41If I couldn't stand you.

09:42Who's this?

09:43My boy, Terry.

09:44One minder.

09:45Minder?

09:46Nice day for it, Terence.

09:47Yeah, lovely.

09:48Bit of a hard night, Terence.

09:51Why don't you come round the house after?

09:53Bring on Arthur with you, if you like.

09:58Dear beloved, we are gathered here today to commit to God, our dear sister,

10:05who drives constant pain.

10:11Faint not, nor fear,

10:15his arms are near.

10:20He changeth not,

10:24and thou art dear.

10:29Only believe,

10:33and thou shalt.

10:35I won't do the old bastard, I swear it.

10:38We'll get him back to the house, and this time he stays there.

10:41Until we get him put away.

10:42Legally.

10:43At home.

10:44Are we gonna get him to go along with that?

10:46Amen.

10:50And now, for a piece of music requested by the husband of the dear departed.

10:56This is it.

11:03This is it.

11:05This is it.

11:06This is it.

11:07This is it.

11:08This is it.

11:09This is it.

11:10I can find the tank back up to this.

11:11We'll have him sedated, if necessary.

11:13All right.

11:14Shut up, shut up.

11:15Stop yucking.

11:16Show him some respect, for God's sake.

11:17What? Shut up, shut up. Stop yucky. Show some respect, for God's sake.

11:23You like a nice family get-together, don't you? Shush.

11:42You've done very well indeed, Al, very well indeed.

11:45Hello, I'm Sheila Jones.

11:56I'm Terry McCann. Can I get you another drink?

11:59No, I'm fine. You pestering my secretary, young man.

12:03You want to watch him? He's a right, tear away, a right.

12:05I don't believe a word of it.

12:07You're looking very well.

12:24Very moving, Cecil. Very moving.

12:26Leave it out, Arthur. It was a right mons and you know it.

12:29Would you get me another glass of wine, please?

12:36Oh, yes, of course. Goodbye.

12:39Hello.

12:40I don't think we've been introduced.

12:44Well, I'm Terry McCann.

12:45Christine Kane.

12:47Doctor, we'll get you to meet as soon as we can.

12:50Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

12:52Right, come on and hear you lot.

12:54What's his game?

12:57In the hall, please.

13:00Come on, all of you.

13:02Come on.

13:04Come on.

13:05Come on.

13:06Come on right now.

13:07Now shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

13:11Right, now I've got you all under one roof.

13:13I'd like to say a few words.

13:16Firstly, I am deeply moved to see the family brought together

13:20to pay tribute to Vi, a fine wife and mother.

13:24There's Johnny there, my eldest, with a glass in his fist as usual,

13:28but, I mean, why shouldn't he after what he's been through today?

13:32Huh?

13:33And then there's Derek.

13:36Derek there, stricken with grief, despite appearances to the contrary.

13:40And there's Sonia, Derek's wife, my delightful daughter-in-law,

13:45and little Tracy, and Nicky there, my grandchildren.

13:48All of them have been a great help on the extremely rare occasions

13:53they've seen fit to call on me.

13:55Oh, and, of course, not forgetting the beautiful Christine there,

14:00Johnny's ex-wife, who'd done a run her some years ago,

14:03but who can blame her after being married to Johnny.

14:06Now, for crying out loud!

14:08Second, second, my plans for the future.

14:18Certain religious gents in India,

14:20having knocked their pipes out over the years,

14:22make a few bob for their families,

14:24tuck it all in and shoot off

14:26with a loincloth and a begging bowl

14:28in order to make up for all the

14:30conniving, backbiting and general lordiness they've committed

14:33in order to make the aforesaid few bob.

14:37Well, I'm doing likewise.

14:41Except I don't fancy a loincloth,

14:43and I've got a pension book.

14:45Now, the entire business

14:48will be made over to my two

14:50deserving sons, sir.

14:53Not to mention this

14:55monstrosity of a guff.

14:59Now, as I shall be very busy on my travels,

15:01I doubt if I shall be seeing any of you lot again.

15:03I'm sure this will come as much as a relief to you

15:05as what it is to me.

15:06Right.

15:10Right, push off.

15:11Go on.

15:12Go on.

15:13Go on.

15:14Truff up.

15:18Um,

15:19work with you and your lad, Arthur.

15:21Go through the drawing.

15:23There's a door on the left.

15:24I'll meet you in there.

15:25Certainly do I.

15:26Right, excuse me.

15:31Watch it.

15:32Hello, what's the matter with you lot?

15:34You should be over the moon.

15:35Oh, yeah, well, Dad, we are, we are.

15:37Who's this?

15:38Uh, my doc, Dad.

15:39Dr. Roberts.

15:40Oh, you will or something?

15:41We just thought that as you've been on a terrible strain,

15:44Dr. Roberts could give you something.

15:45You know, just to help you over this,

15:47what is, after all, rather a dodgy time.

15:49Oh, yeah.

15:51Probably right.

15:53I'll tell you, um,

15:54I'm just going to go and have a jimmy, doctor.

15:56And when I come back,

15:57perhaps you'd like to check me over.

15:59I haven't been feeling myself lately.

16:01That is a fact.

16:01Do you see that, Christine?

16:08Which one's that?

16:09Long blonde job.

16:10Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:12Think I'm in there.

16:14Terry, we are attending a funeral.

16:16Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

16:17There's no time to be after a bit of the other.

16:20What's she say?

16:20Things are happening quicker than I thought.

16:28You eyeball that doctor they come up with.

16:30A right straight jacket merchant of her,

16:31but I saw one.

16:33Oh, come on.

16:34I've got to do this on me own.

16:36Well, Terry, Terry, help Mr. Kane.

16:41You're interested in gainful employment, Tellers?

16:45Well, as it happens, I'm well busy at the moment.

16:46Oh, yeah, we're pretty full up at the moment, Cecil.

16:51Modest endeavours, but our own.

16:54Don't want to get involved with a balmy old geezer like me, eh, Terrence?

16:57Something like that, yeah.

16:59Terrence, how can you say such a thing?

17:00Always got time for an old friend, Cecil.

17:02Right.

17:03Give us your address, Terry.

17:05Paper on the desk.

17:05Oh, I do.

17:07Hold on, Arthur, hold on.

17:08That's all right.

17:09I know your address.

17:10I don't want to get involved.

17:11No, no, no.

17:13Here we are.

17:14Give a geriatric an even break, eh, Terrence?

17:16Yes.

17:19That is right, isn't it?

17:21Yeah.

17:25He's been gone five minutes, and I can't see that dodgy friend of yours daily, anyway.

17:29Oh, bloody hell.

17:32Right.

17:33Time to blow.

17:33I'll open the door for you, sir.

17:34No, no, the door, now, sir.

17:35What are you going to do?

17:36It's locked.

17:37Where's the key?

17:38Right.

17:39Take your time.

17:40Shoot him by.

17:41Where's the key?

17:43Where's the key?

17:44He said take your time.

17:46Oh, Terry.

17:47Just coming.

17:48Just coming.

17:51I was just saying, one moment he was there, and then he was the most extraordinary behavior.

17:59Where's the gun, Dad?

17:59Oi, oi, oi.

18:00That ain't going to get you anywhere, pal.

18:01Yeah.

18:02That sounds like death, not a bike.

18:05Look, Johnny.

18:06A word, Johnny.

18:07A word.

18:07Johnny, now that we're in bed together, or business-wise, of course, business-wise,

18:11look, I promise you I should do everything in my part to help stand on me.

18:14That's exactly what I will do, Daly, if you'll get my old man in.

18:17Stop!

18:17Cross the thought from your mind, Johnny.

18:19Oh, sorry.

18:19Excuse me.

18:21Terry.

18:22Goodbye, Mr. Daly.

18:23Goodbye.

18:24Goodbye, Daly.

18:26Pardon me.

18:28Goodbye, Mr. McCann.

18:29Yeah, Tara.

18:31Goodbye, Johnny.

18:32It's ridiculous letting them go like this.

18:34If you want to stop them, Sonia, you stop them.

18:37I'm not worried about Daly.

18:40I've got leverage.

18:46Now, what's soppy Bert parked there, eh?

18:48What do you reckon to it, Terry, eh?

18:50I reckon we ought to let his tyres down.

18:52Park him right in front of an entrance, I don't.

18:54Don't be silly.

18:54Let the tyres down.

18:56I mean, what is it with these people?

18:57They buy one of these, think they can park them anywhere, don't they?

18:59Terry, Terry, it's mine.

19:01Yeah.

19:01I mean, it gets right up on those.

19:02It really does.

19:03Terry, why do you think I had you drive me round to Johnny Cain's garage?

19:08Well, I don't know.

19:09It is mine.

19:10Of me.

19:11It.

19:13You.

19:15Who bought this bleeding thing?

19:16I have simply made a modest down payment.

19:19I have the whip hand, as ever.

19:20And it is not a bleeding thing.

19:22It's a vehicle of great dignity.

19:25Tells you a lot about its owner, a car like that.

19:28Yeah, like, look at me.

19:29What a wally.

19:31Inspires confidence.

19:32And what is good for me is good for you.

19:34Here, come on.

19:35Have a drive.

19:36Go on, go on.

19:37Have a poodle round the block.

19:43Automatic, is it?

19:44Yeah, of course.

19:45Come on, get in.

19:46I'll show you the air conditioning.

19:47There you go.

19:52Isn't that nice?

19:54Yeah, I tell you what.

19:56Let's nip round to the Winchester for a swift one.

19:59Yeah, why not, eh?

20:00There you go.

20:02There you go.

20:11What's the matter?

20:14You don't honestly think I'm going to drive this thing around with you poncing about on

20:17the back, do you?

20:18I mean, next thing you want me to wear a peat cap, won't you?

20:20It had crossed my mind, Terrence.

20:23But it's only a joke.

20:26Terry!

20:26Terry, where's your sense of humour?

20:29Terry, I can't get out.

20:36Leave me alone, Arthur.

20:37Oh, Gordon Bennett!

20:45I'm trying to have a clip, aren't I?

20:47What?

20:48What?

20:49Look, in the afternoon.

20:53What do you want, then?

20:54Oh, charming, I'm sure.

20:56Here.

20:57Oh, yes.

20:58Oh, yes.

20:59Very nice little place.

21:00Very cosy.

21:01Very cosy.

21:03I don't like your music, much, sir.

21:04Excuse me.

21:07No offence, Mr Cain.

21:08That's all right, son.

21:10It's all right.

21:10You can call me Cecil.

21:12Now, then.

21:13Do you know what this is?

21:14They call them ghetto blasters.

21:21All right.

21:23Bennett!

21:25All right, Cecil.

21:27Now, does anyone know you're here?

21:29Certainly not.

21:31Well, they're going to be worried, aren't they?

21:33Worried, worried.

21:34Yeah, they'll be out there, tiny minds.

21:37I'll tell you what.

21:39I'll go and phone them.

21:41You stay here, make yourself comfortable.

21:42I'll tell them you're all right.

21:43Then I'll drive you home, OK?

21:44About what?

21:45Deliver me up to the thieving bastards?

21:47No, Terence.

21:49I do not intend to spend the rest of my days

21:51shucked up in some geriatric nick

21:53playing housey-housey with a bunch of old ears

21:55while my family live it up on my savings.

21:59Look, all right, so they might have a funny way

22:00of showing it, right?

22:01Yeah, but they've got to be worried out of their heads.

22:04And when you've given them the garage,

22:05that huge great house,

22:07you don't really think they're after your savings as well,

22:09do you?

22:09No, no, no, no.

22:10You see, you're talking about assets,

22:13not really cash.

22:15Now, I've grafted for my cash,

22:17and I'm not talking about a few quid in the tea caddy.

22:20If they want cash, they're going to have to graft now.

22:22And they hate grafting, believe me.

22:25Give them a year,

22:26they'll be selling up to pay the phone bills.

22:29They will.

22:30They will.

22:35Oh, Dave.

22:36Had a bit of a punch-up.

22:37Good ass.

22:38Jock McLeish was in here with some of his boys.

22:41They were celebrating something.

22:42This involved tearing each other from limb to limb.

22:45Can I have a large one, Dave?

22:46I think I'd have one, too.

22:48Jock McLeish, eh?

22:49Oh.

22:51There's a thought.

22:52He's still got that horrible little club in King's Cross.

22:55Yeah.

22:56Are you still, uh,

22:57touting that scotch?

22:58That'd be something to chalk up, wouldn't it?

23:00Selling Jap scotch to the tartan terror.

23:02I know, do the chalk when he found out.

23:04That's worth thinking about, anyway.

23:05I tell you, I've got a new car.

23:07The whole manor is talking about it, Arthur.

23:09Well, I thought it was about time.

23:11Her indoors is chuffed to her moon boots.

23:12You know, what with her feet and everything.

23:14You, uh, you want to come and have a look?

23:16They all look the same to me, Arthur.

23:18Dave, it is a Corniche.

23:21I do not care if it is a Corniche pasty.

23:24Frankly, it gives me the hump.

23:25You swanning about in a thing like that

23:26while I am subsidising your drink into the tune of...

23:30147.36p.

23:33What?

23:34What?

23:34And that is not counting the one that you've just pulled all over the bar.

23:38Daley!

23:38Hello.

23:39Is this a mate of yours?

23:40No.

23:40I want words, Daley.

23:41Large brandy, quick as you can.

23:43Johnny, let's talk to my friend.

23:44Father, Daley.

23:44What have you done with him?

23:45Hand on my heart.

23:46I haven't a foggiest, Johnny.

23:47He's with McCann, isn't he?

23:48No nonsense.

23:48You are stricken with grease, Johnny.

23:49Now, Daley, he's an old man.

23:51His mind's gone and you're hiding him from me.

23:53No, no.

23:53Eat it down with your power.

23:54Look, Johnny, we've got a nice arrangement with that motor.

23:56Do you honestly think I would risk...

23:57You would risk trying to rip off an old man for his life savings?

24:00Keep it down, will you, pal?

24:01Have your drink, Johnny.

24:02Have your drink.

24:03If you'll lay a finger on my old man, Daley, I'll have you up.

24:06Daley's slate.

24:13Daley!

24:14This your car, sir?

24:15Yes.

24:16Uh, no.

24:19Well, almost.

24:22Daley!

24:27This your car, sir?

24:28Yeah, yes.

24:33No.

24:34No, it's not mine.

24:36I got married when I was 80.

24:43It was as green as grass.

24:44I mean, I didn't know me backside from old in the crowd.

24:48Well, it turned out that I had married a woman

24:52who couldn't stand the sight of me

24:56and thought that old in hands was a criminal offence.

25:03Well, now, in them days, you kept storm and you pretended.

25:07Well, I've been pretending a long time and now I don't have to.

25:10Now, if that gets up people's noses, that's too bad.

25:14I've got a lot of catching up to do something.

25:18I haven't lost me marbles.

25:21I'm just, uh, an old geezer

25:23who wants to get a few in.

25:27I thought the lights go out.

25:32Yeah, all right, all right.

25:33So, um, this catching up you've got to do,

25:35what are you doing?

25:36What's the plan?

25:41The Industrial Waterways of Great Britain.

25:46Beg your pardon?

25:47I bought this narrowboat

25:48in which I plan to tour the rivers and canals

25:51of this great country of ours.

25:52All at four miles an hour.

25:56I've transferred me LPs and 78s onto tape.

26:00Well, it sounds terrific.

26:02Terrific.

26:03And with your help, Terrence,

26:05I'll get it all tucked up in a bank.

26:06All I need is until Monday.

26:08Monday.

26:10Deal.

26:13Yeah, all right.

26:14But only till Monday?

26:15Right, right.

26:16Right.

26:17Right.

26:18Oi.

26:29Morning, Captain.

26:30Just relaxing beneath this fine example

26:33of capitalist exploitation.

26:35Oh, my God.

26:36Have you been pointing that breath

26:37at my undersea all night?

26:38Small remuneration, Captain,

26:40for caretaking of the vehicle.

26:41I'll be it, Karl Marx.

26:42Oh, no.

26:47Oh, anti-theft device, Captain, eh?

26:50Very wise, that.

26:51Very wise.

26:53What's your life important?

26:5621.

26:5822.

26:59Well, take it easy.

27:01Don't want to knock your pipe out, do you?

27:02Hello?

27:11Yeah.

27:12Oh, hello.

27:15Well, as it happens, he is here, yes, yeah.

27:17Well, keep the old goat under wraps

27:18till I get there.

27:19Oh, sorry, no can do.

27:22Well, we're going to check out

27:23Cecil's boat, aren't we?

27:26We're on the river.

27:29What's it called?

27:31The Thames.

27:32The Thames.

27:35Do you mind?

27:36I'm not in a mood.

27:38Look, just tell me

27:38where you're going to be.

27:41He says what?

27:44Untrustworthy.

27:45Me?

27:46Listen, I am dealing

27:47with a very delicate situation

27:48at the moment

27:48with Jolly Johnny

27:49chasing me all over the manor

27:50and I need you to go

27:51and pick up the roller.

27:52Why?

27:53He's being clamped.

27:55No, no, listen, Arthur.

27:56You told me to work for him

27:57so that's what I'm going to do,

27:58all right?

27:59I'll be in touch later.

28:00Yeah, bye-bye.

28:01So, things didn't quite work out

28:06with you and Daley last night.

28:07I was unlucky.

28:09You mean you were pissed?

28:11Listen, the old man

28:13must be plugged into

28:14God knows how many banks

28:15and building societies.

28:17He won't have kept it all at home.

28:18So, we know we've got

28:19until after the weekend

28:20to find him.

28:23Now, I wasn't going to mention this,

28:25but when I've done

28:26a little deal with Daley

28:28over a motor.

28:30Oh, you did, did you?

28:31Yeah.

28:32So, I'm reclaiming it today

28:33and he'll be begging me

28:36to open it.

28:36Oh, really?

28:40Unless you'd rather

28:41your husband went

28:42after Daley.

28:43Eh, Sonny?

28:46Hello.

28:47Can you spare me a moment, sweetness?

28:51What the bloody hell

28:52do you want?

28:53Well, it's just that

28:54Christine phoned me up.

28:57You?

28:58What for?

29:00Well, it transpires

29:02that she knows

29:03when my can hangs out

29:04sort of thing.

29:07Now then, Ennie and Bob,

29:08you're going to love this.

29:09I'll spot it a triple time

29:10for you.

29:10It's the reclaiming number.

29:12Chap's being a bit casual

29:14with one of our corniches,

29:16so you reclaim it

29:17and bring him along with it.

29:18Now, don't go away.

29:19Just warm his cockles

29:21up a bit, will you?

29:22You'll find it there

29:22and that's the number.

29:23Well, that'll go, Bob.

29:29Hi.

29:43Who's Jock in?

29:45Who wants him?

29:46Daley.

29:47Who?

29:48Arthur Daley.

29:49It's Arthur Daley.

29:50Hi.

29:54He's having breakfast.

29:55Oh, tough.

29:59Daley.

30:12Maximum security, eh, Jock?

30:14Haven't you heard?

30:16We're at war

30:16with our West Indian friends

30:17around here.

30:18Oh, yeah.

30:19Conflict Daley?

30:20No, no.

30:21I had me muesli earlier.

30:24What is it, then?

30:25Take a look at that, Jock.

30:29Spirit of Parliament.

30:32Trust those craving bastards

30:33want their own label, eh?

30:35Think of drinking that

30:36as an anti-establishment gesture, Jock.

30:39Oh, no, no, no.

30:40No, it's a bit too early.

30:43Well, why not?

30:46Cheers, Jock.

30:51No bad.

30:52I've got 11 cases.

30:5335 a go.

30:54What'd you say?

30:55We'll see.

30:56Good.

30:57I've got to blow, Jock.

30:58I've opened a bottle.

31:00Can't leave a drop in it now.

31:02Oh, no.

31:03No, of course not.

31:07Cheers.

31:08Cheers.

31:10Could I have a little water?

31:19God, I've never seen anything

31:20like it in me life.

31:21No, Jock the lad

31:22in a purple Capri

31:24does that to me

31:24on the open road, Pally.

31:26Listen, you want to commit

31:27voluntary euthanasia,

31:28you'd do it without me.

31:29Where every traffic is concerned,

31:31motorcyclists have a saying.

31:33There is always a gap.

31:34Yeah, between your bleeding ear holes.

31:35Oh, charming.

31:37Right.

31:39There she is.

31:41Oh, dear old Lord.

31:43What a little gym palace, eh?

31:44That looks smart, won't it?

31:45Parked up, down the south of France.

31:47You say what you like.

31:53She was built for the job.

31:55Still old, lasts for years.

31:56Diesel engine, likewise.

31:58This little darling, I'll tell you,

32:00will go through any lock in the country.

32:02Come on, I'll show you around.

32:05Will we both fit in?

32:07Dear old Lord,

32:07I see why they call them narrowboats.

32:09All designed with a purpose in mind.

32:11Oh, yeah.

32:12Oh, but going to the cars

32:13is a challenging experience, isn't it?

32:15Everything close to hand, Terrence.

32:17That's exactly what I mean.

32:19It's ridiculous, can't it?

32:20What are you doing?

32:21I'll have you briefcase.

32:23Must be feeling like a travelling salesman.

32:26How much have you got in there?

32:27Oh, uh, 30,000.

32:29You'll protect the sentry.

32:41You'll protect the sentry.

33:11Mind if we, uh, mind if we join you?

33:36Oh, lovely day.

33:42Lovely day.

33:44You, uh,

33:46you work round here, do you?

33:50I don't know two beautiful girls like you

33:53having to work.

33:54It doesn't seem right, does it, Terrence?

33:57Here, listen.

33:59What, what you,

34:00what you need

34:03is a father figure.

34:05Sure, you do.

34:07With, with, with a bit of,

34:08with a bit of cash.

34:09Here, cop a load of this.

34:11Cecil!

34:13God, are you sure your father's allowed out?

34:14He's not my father.

34:18You behave yourself, will you?

34:20I reckon my crumpet-pulling days are over.

34:23With your technique,

34:23I'm not surprised.

34:25Now, listen,

34:26I hardly ever walk out on jobs, right?

34:29But if you don't behave yourself,

34:30that's exactly what I'm going to do.

34:32All right, all right, all right.

34:33Oh!

34:37Miss Jones!

34:40Sorry I'm late, Mr Kane.

34:43Hello, Terry.

34:47Sheila Jones.

34:48We met at the funeral.

34:50My former secretary.

34:51That's right, yeah, of course.

34:53Would you want a drink?

34:53No, no, haven't got time.

34:55Now then, Mr Kane,

34:56down to business.

34:57Everything's arranged for tomorrow.

34:59Oh, and I managed to sort out

35:00that stray deposit account at Enfield,

35:02so all you've got to do now

35:03is sign that.

35:05All right, excellent, excellent.

35:06Epitome of efficiency as usual, Miss Jones.

35:09Oh, by the way,

35:11young Terrence here,

35:12he will accompany you tomorrow.

35:13Will I?

35:15Oh, good.

35:16That'll be nice.

35:18Hang on.

35:19Yeah.

35:20Ah.

35:22Hold on, excuse me.

35:25Am I right in thinking

35:25that Miss Jones

35:26is now walking away

35:28with all your ready...

35:28With the readies,

35:30with the readies,

35:30that's right.

35:31Much safer

35:32with the capable Miss Jones.

35:34Well,

35:35I must be off.

35:36Now you two behave yourselves.

35:38See you tomorrow then, Terry.

35:41Yeah.

35:45Oh,

35:46what a cracker.

35:48Brings tears

35:49to an old man's eyes.

35:50Don't do much

35:51for a young man.

35:52Tell you so.

35:53Get on the dog.

35:56And fight old Arthur

35:57down here

35:58for an evening

35:59on the river.

36:01Arthur?

36:01Why not?

36:03Poor old bugger's

36:04probably feeling

36:04a bit left out of it.

36:05just for all we ought to have a little chat.

36:21Just for all we ought to have a little chat,

36:35love.

36:36Er, well, Johnny,

36:36I was going to bring it back anyway.

36:38On reflection,

36:40I prefer the four-door.

36:41So,

36:41if I could just have my deposit back...

36:43Deposit?

36:44No, no.

36:45Let's just call it a rent,

36:46Arthur.

36:47No, no, don't push me.

36:48Where's the old man, Daly?

36:50Um,

36:51well, well,

36:51that is with Terry.

36:52This is true.

36:53But on my life,

36:54on my family's,

36:55on my bank manager's life,

36:56I do not know where.

36:57Here, dear.

36:58I think you're up to...

36:59Hit him.

37:00No, no, no, no violence.

37:01I've got this terrible nausea.

37:03I couldn't be responsible

37:04for the consequences.

37:05Don't want him

37:06chucking up all over me

37:07overalls, boss.

37:08If I could just

37:08pay a little visit.

37:11Okay.

37:13Good job.

37:43He's gone.

37:47Round the back.

37:48Come on!

37:56Oh, no.

37:59Spread out, Derek!

38:01Derek, spread out!

38:04Yes!

38:05It's too late!

38:06It's too late!

38:06It's gone!

38:10Psst, Dave.

38:12We're closed.

38:13Dave!

38:14Arthur!

38:16What's wrong

38:17with the front door, then?

38:17I think I've had

38:18a heart attack.

38:20Oh, well,

38:20explain to them.

38:21Could I have

38:21a glass of water, Dave?

38:23Water?

38:24Yeah, of course.

38:26What's happening?

38:27Had a push start

38:28to roll her?

38:28Oh, that bloody

38:30silver lady.

38:30I think she's

38:31a patron saint

38:31of vandals.

38:34Well, by the way,

38:34you telephoned.

38:36He wants you

38:36to meet him

38:36down by the river.

38:37What?

38:38Where?

38:39Where?

38:40Phone.

38:41Phone, Dave.

38:41Phone.

38:41Right there.

38:42Right.

38:42Oh, Dave,

38:45this is rather

38:46confidential.

38:48Good old guest.

38:48Oh, Mr. John Cain,

39:05Mr. Arthur Daly.

39:07No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

39:08We don't want

39:09no more of that

39:09sort of talk.

39:10We are going to

39:11renew our relationship

39:12on a very

39:13different basis.

39:14I think the

39:17cannell show up.

39:19Yes.

39:20These small-time

39:21crooks can never

39:21stay away from home.

39:24You sure there's

39:24any fish this far up?

39:26Louis Armstrong,

39:27you ignoramus.

39:30I think these

39:30maggots are

39:31pacifists.

39:32Don't tell me

39:33there are people

39:33round here

39:34who don't know

39:34Louis Armstrong

39:35when they hear him.

39:36Terry!

39:37Terry!

39:39Terry!

39:41Terry!

39:43Terry!

39:44Terry!

39:45Unless all the fish

39:46have slung their

39:46oxicles.

39:47Get it?

39:50I'll tell you something,

39:51I don't reckon there are

39:52any flaming fish in this river.

39:54Terry!

39:55You dare for something?

40:01Oh!

40:02Oh, God!

40:03Bennett!

40:03Oh, might have known.

40:04Very decadent, isn't it?

40:05Very Terence McCann.

40:06I have been kidnapped,

40:08I've had a coronary,

40:09and here you are

40:09sitting having a quiet fish.

40:11Nice to see you too, Arthur.

40:12You're in a spot above her, Arthur.

40:14No, no, no, no. It's all sorted, Cecil.

40:15Just a little minor personal crisis. Nothing to worry you about.

40:19I want to work with you at the blunt end.

40:43Terry, in the serks, I think the wisest thing we can do is leg it as quickly and quietly as possible.

40:48What serks are they?

40:49Well, we've fulfilled our obligations. Time to move on to other things.

40:53Bumped into Johnny, have we?

40:55Johnny? Johnny who?

40:57Oh, that Johnny. No, no, of course not. What's that got to do with anything anyway?

41:00Well, serks me, Arthur.

41:02No, the thing is, Cecil's going to need her tomorrow, so I'm going to stick about.

41:05Mind you, if you want a bloke, love.

41:09Expecting someone?

41:10No, no, no, no, certainly not.

41:11Well, if you're going to stick here, I might as well stay with you.

41:14Help you, my dear old loony. Oh, hello, Cecil.

41:16I thought I'd rustle up some nose bag.

41:20Yeah, Arthur's going to stay with us.

41:21Oh, nice.

41:25You can sleep in a sharp end.

41:41Morning, Arthur.

41:58You've done very well, my old son. Very well indeed.

42:01Where's my boy?

42:04Oh, in his grass.

42:05Yeah.

42:06You like your sausages, soggy, dear?

42:08Oh, dear.

42:27It's four banks, a left luggage locker at Euston Station, now a newsagent.

42:31Every time you come out, it gets heavier.

42:33I know, it's difficult coping with money, isn't it?

42:42So, what do we do with it?

42:43Take it back to Mr. Cain.

42:46You're crackers, aren't you?

42:47I mean, the old family's jumping down his neck now.

42:50I mean, if they...

42:50Terry, what do you say, generally speaking, that Mr. Cain knew what he was doing?

42:54There's young Tao.

43:20Oh, yeah.

43:24Oh, my good God.

43:27You all right, Arthur?

43:29All of nature.

43:30Cecile!

43:50McCann!

43:54Cecile!

43:55For God's sake, oi!

43:57Come on, McCann.

43:58Something isn't bad.

43:59I want the case. Come and get it, then. This is the bit I'm good at.

44:05Eddie. Bob.

44:14Come on, come on, get it.

44:16All right, how are you?

44:16Come on, who's getting it? What are you waiting for?

44:33You bloody fuck, I told you to get in, not me.

44:39Can't you swim? Can't you swim?

44:42Yeah, you're leaving me out of town.

44:46I thought I heard a commotion.

44:50Are you John Harold Kane of the Laurels, Hurstfield Drive?

44:55Yeah.

44:56We wish to talk to you concerning monies owing to the customs and excise related to value-added tax payments.

45:02Oh, my God of that man.

45:16Come here.

45:30That Sheila has stitched Cecil up like a caper.

45:33Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

45:36Not necessarily.

45:38Oh, no.

45:50Dad!

45:51Oh, no.

45:52No, please!

45:53Oh, no.

45:55Oh, no.

45:56No, please!

45:57Oh, no.

45:58Dad!

45:59Oh, please!

46:00Daddy!

46:01Come back!

46:02Dad!

46:03Come on!

46:04Come on!

46:05He's got the money!

46:06Dad!

46:07Dad!

46:08Oh, no.

46:09Dad!

46:10He's coming back!

46:13Come on!

46:14Come on!

46:15He's got the money.

46:18Dad!

46:20Come on!

46:23Come on!

46:24Come on!

46:27He's got the money!

46:29Come on!

46:32I'll handle this.

46:41No, this is mine.

46:43Thank you, darling. I think I'm going to qualify.

46:47Terry!

47:02You've got both of them?

47:06Yeah.

47:09At the same time?

47:12Yeah.

47:15Are you tired?

47:18No, I only made them coffee.

47:19Oh, Terry.

47:21I caught up a world joke when I told them that old Cecil got away.

47:24It seems the old man and his secretary have been fiddling the VAT, petty cash, inland revenue, you name it, for ten years.

47:31Of course, nothing was in his name.

47:32Vi and Johnny own the firm.

47:34And now it's just poor old Johnny with all the bills to pay.

47:36Oh, my heart bleeds for him.

47:38It is a disgrace.

47:39That old goat sitting there with that lovely girl and all that cash.

47:43Yeah, slippery as soap on the door rounder, wouldn't he?

47:47Excuse me, gents. We have a visitor.

47:53Terry.

47:54Hi, Jock. How's it going?

47:56I want to discuss a matter of spelling with you, Arthur.

48:00Spelling?

48:01Yeah.

48:02And this label.

48:04Label?

48:05Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, label, yeah.

48:07Sit down, Jock.

48:08I'll explain that to you.

48:10See, it's a little quirk of the English language that you're probably not familiar with.

48:13See, you say Parliament, but it is spelt Par-li-a-ment.

48:17Well, I'm talking about whisky with an E.

48:20Whisky with an E is favoured by our Irish friends.

48:24Oh?

48:24Oh, yeah, that's all to do with the general election, doesn't it, Terry?

48:31Yeah, yeah.

48:32Yeah, see, her indoors at number ten, she, um...

48:35Made an E-dict.

48:36Made an E-dict.

48:37E-dict.

48:38You see, any whisky drunk at the House of Commons must have an E in it.

48:41Don't panic, Arthur.

48:43It's just a label I'm complaining about.

48:45Whisky's great.

48:47I'll take another five cases.

48:49Oh.

48:50Uh, Dave?

48:51Drinks all round?

48:52Of course, large ones.

48:53Don't be silly.

48:54Well, come on in, have a pew.

48:56Here you go.

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