- 1 day ago
top end bub s01e04
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00:07Sorry!
00:19It's her ninth birthday, she's not getting hitched.
00:22Dad, leave Ned alone!
00:24Oh, Taya! Daddy's not kicking it away from the windows!
00:27We thought Bub deserved the little pizzazz.
00:30Pizzazz? Does a nine-year-old need a pizzazz?
00:33A bloody three-tiered cake and knapes?
00:36It's a potato!
00:37She's practicing!
00:39Don't worry about Dad, this looks perfect.
00:41Nothing's gonna stop us from having the best birthday ever.
00:43Totally.
00:44Um, just so you know, it's no biggie, but, uh, Mum will be coming to the party.
00:50Yeah, I just sort of mentioned it and, uh, you know Mum, she took that as an invite.
00:55Of course, yep, yep.
00:57Um, no, that's fine, she's family too.
00:59Uh, this is good, this is good.
01:01This is, this is actually really great.
01:03Um, I'm just gonna, uh, let's just make Taya's bed for her.
01:07Oh, no, no, no, she's staying in a hotel.
01:09She didn't want to put us out.
01:10Classic.
01:11Oh, classic, she's just so classic.
01:14Uh, I will greet her with some French champagne.
01:17Good idea.
01:18Mmm.
01:23Hiya!
01:28Mum!
01:29Oh, there's heat.
01:31Ah, so glad you could make it.
01:32Oh, darling.
01:33Sure that you...
01:33I get extra presents!
01:34Her presents is the present.
01:36Hello, aren't you a little bundle of energy?
01:38So, thank you.
01:39Oh, she should be careful with that, Lauren.
01:41It was very expensive.
01:43It's designer.
01:44Yeah.
01:46Thanks, I guess.
01:48Oh, I was hoping she'd put that on.
01:49It is a birthday.
01:50I'll talk to her.
01:51It's lovely.
01:52Thanks so much.
01:52Nine-year-olds.
01:54Leroy!
01:56Happy birthday, Taylor!
01:57Uncle, I forgot my presents!
01:58Presents later, baby girl.
02:00Hey, can you shove this in the kitchen for me?
02:01Oh my gosh, lollies, you know me so well!
02:03Not today, bub.
02:05Uncle Ned spent the whole night cooking!
02:08Sure have!
02:09This party already sucks!
02:11What the hell?
02:12A girl can't have party food at her own party?
02:14Ixnay on the oudfe.
02:15But I got all her favourite staff.
02:16Can you put this in the fridge for Annie?
02:18And help out with the catering?
02:19That'd be great.
02:20Hey, look out.
02:21Cork and everything.
02:22You can help with your orders.
02:24Hey, we're not supposed to say that word anymore.
02:26It's sex worker now.
02:27Enough with the jokes.
02:29Help!
02:30Who's gonna eat this shit?
02:32The kids.
02:33And no trouble from you, Leroy.
02:35Today has to be perfect.
02:37Don't start.
02:38Bub's had the hardest year of her life.
02:40The sugar-free finger food's just gonna make it worse.
02:42I'm staying out of it.
02:43You better do the same.
02:44Well, we've gotta do something.
02:45She's hiding away in her room.
02:48You could sing her a song.
02:50I don't know.
02:51Yeah.
02:51A special birthday song from her own money-go.
02:54Maybe.
02:56Somebody's gotta think about bub.
02:57Stop!
02:59When we taught Lauren to swim, what did you tell me?
03:01Just chuck her in.
03:02Mmm.
03:03She'd ask advice.
03:04She'd need to drown.
03:05She nearly did, but she didn't, did she?
03:07She's not gonna drown this time.
03:10Sometimes you gotta think before you swim.
03:14Let them think.
03:26Dad.
03:28Dad.
03:29Dad.
03:30I'm sorry.
03:31Dad.
03:32Dad.
03:33What is that?
03:35Junk food.
03:36Don't look like junk food.
03:37It will when it ends up in the junk.
03:39Hey, Leroy.
03:40How about today you let people actually taste what I've cooked?
03:42Your kids can eat crap in their own time.
03:44Get on board or get in the bin.
03:46This is for bub.
03:47For bub.
03:48Sure.
03:48We're her guardians.
03:49Not you.
03:53The things we do for family.
03:57What the heck?
03:59Are you going to eat that?
04:01Are you gonna eat that?
04:02Yes.
04:02Why not?
04:04Because it's disgusting.
04:06It's ugly.
04:06I don't care if you never wear it again, but you're wearing it today.
04:09It's itchy.
04:10Yeah, well, the things we do for family.
04:13Listen, your friends are here.
04:15Your family's here.
04:17Annie's come a long way.
04:18So put the dress on, get downstairs and look alive.
04:22Hey, come here.
04:24Don't drop that.
04:25Come here.
04:30Ned and Lauren are amazed.
04:33Who made them king and queen of your house?
04:34My castle's been pillaged by peacocks.
04:37Rennell used to keep it casual.
04:39Everyone brought a plate.
04:40Simple.
04:41None of the kids are gonna want to eat that rubbish.
04:44But we know what bub wants.
04:46Fuck yeah, we do.
04:47It's our time to shine.
04:51The contraband.
04:53Yeah.
04:54Some people need saving from themselves.
04:56Hunk, you're an evil genius.
04:59I tell my boys to spread the word.
05:01You have to join the fun Mum Fred.
05:03All the schoolmums are on it.
05:05Except Vivian.
05:06So don't tell Vivian.
05:07But you're fun though.
05:08You'll qualify.
05:09Excuse me.
05:10Excuse me.
05:11Party emergency.
05:12Principal Dana, now that I have you here.
05:13I'm the parents and friends.
05:14Oh, yes, yes.
05:15Sounds great.
05:16Send me an email.
05:19And people wonder why I didn't join the Mum Brigade.
05:21Some people make motherhood their entire personality.
05:23Hydrate.
05:24So what's the go?
05:25You heard from Cowboy?
05:26No.
05:27Thank God.
05:27Ned's really invested.
05:29He's gone like full dad mode.
05:31I know that look.
05:33What look?
05:34That look.
05:35Like you're about to give me detention.
05:36Well I should.
05:37And a caning.
05:38Bob doesn't need all this fanfare.
05:40She needs her dad.
05:41Her real dad.
05:42Bob's never asked for that.
05:44Really?
05:44She's never brought up the dad question.
05:47Ever.
05:54Goodness, it's hotter in here than it is out there.
05:57No, don't, don't, don't bring that in.
05:59That's for the guests.
05:59I'm afraid the flies are enjoying it more than the guests.
06:02But there's still more to come.
06:03Where's Leroy?
06:04We've still got the stuffed aubergine.
06:05Look, to be honest Mum, you're not helping.
06:07Oh darling, no one likes a try hard.
06:10Why on earth are you doing all this yourself?
06:12Clearly your efforts are being appreciated.
06:15Look.
06:16Thanks Mum, that's great.
06:21Chicken liver parfait with a prune compote.
06:23They're lovely.
06:24They're real.
06:25Please.
06:28Hey look, it's the birthday girl!
06:31What's with the dress?
06:33Hey, come on there.
06:34You look lovely my girl.
06:36You look beautiful.
06:37Nice dress birthday girl.
06:38Best birthday ever.
06:40Do you like the food?
06:41Can we do the piñata now?
06:43Yeah, soon.
06:44But maybe you want to say hello to everyone first, okay?
06:47I get it bub, but you're nine now and a big part of growing up is doing things you don't
06:50want to do.
06:51I'm proud of you big girl.
06:53Now go have fun.
06:54Go on.
06:56Thanks honey line.
06:58Aww.
06:59No one likes my food.
07:01Don't understand.
07:02Is it that bad?
07:04Aren't these kids hungry?
07:07I haven't even tried a single...
07:09The drawing board.
07:09It's you.
07:10Now get that tight touch back in the...
07:12Define me.
07:29What are you doing?
07:30You're about to ruin a little girl's birthday.
07:32You don't just breeze into my house.
07:34Go!
07:35Get out of here now before anyone sees you.
07:36Whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:37Okay, I've got some news for you.
07:38You couldn't call ahead?
07:39Send a text?
07:41A friggin' smoke signal?
07:42Look, I found him and I've got a name.
07:44No.
07:45No, tell me.
07:47I don't want to know.
07:48You asked me to find him and I found him.
07:50You want to know who he is or not?
07:55Where'd you get the stash, girls?
07:57We'll never tell.
08:01Where'd you get the lolly, little man?
08:02Can't tell him.
08:06You're a good kid.
08:08Tell Coach Ned who's dishing out the junk food.
08:10I'm not telling because I'm not a snitching dog.
08:15Did you see Taya?
08:16What a picture she looked in that dress.
08:18What are you fussing about now?
08:20Look how stressed you are.
08:22Let me help.
08:24Mum, don't get all weird and judgy.
08:26Just want it to be perfect for Taya, you know?
08:28There's no such thing as perfect.
08:29Even my Lexus breaks down once in a while.
08:33I thought playing house was what you wanted.
08:52That's it.
08:54Look, I know what a deal is.
08:56I do deals all the time.
08:58But circumstances change.
08:58Lauren, have you seen Leroy?
09:01Who's this?
09:02Hey, I'm Ned.
09:03Oh, yes.
09:04This is my husband.
09:05And Ned, this is Mr...
09:08Cowboy.
09:09Mr. Cowboy.
09:10Yes, that's right.
09:11Oh, like a cowboy show.
09:14That's a great idea.
09:15The kids are gonna love it.
09:16Well done.
09:17There's a really good spot for you down here under a tree.
09:20Yeah, yeah.
09:20It's a shady spot.
09:21Yeah.
09:22Got me whipping everything.
09:23No, no, no.
09:24No, no, no.
09:25Cowboy.
09:25Yeah, yeah.
09:26All the kids are ready for you.
09:27Can you be a bit more discreet?
09:29Cowboy show.
09:29There you go.
09:29Give me those.
09:31Howdy.
09:46Howdy.
09:47Do you like it?
09:48Okay, so I've been looking for a couple of low-life bush rangers.
09:51Any idea where these little turds are getting their junk food?
09:55These fellas were up to no good.
09:57They were stealing and dealing and no one wanted to snitch.
10:00The cowboy has his ways.
10:02I'll put aside a box of tarts for you.
10:08I found the coward bastards holed up in a cave.
10:12And I had the element of surprise, so I pounced.
10:16Enough.
10:17Your recutator's birthday.
10:18The old fella put up one hell of a fight.
10:20Yay!
10:21Buying time for the young buck to get away with the stash.
10:24Kids don't like canapes!
10:25Well, he was an old wily one, that old one.
10:28Your food sucks!
10:28So, I put the young buck in my sights.
10:31Take down the young one first.
10:33Well, he might have had the physical advantage, but what I had was persistence.
10:37So I chased him across country.
10:40But no matter how close I got, I was always one step behind him.
10:44I tracked him through bush.
10:47I was getting close.
10:49I could smell the mongrel.
10:51Then he vanished, in a hidden cave behind the waterfall.
10:55But, I had him cornered.
10:57Cornered in a crocodile infested river.
11:00Don't know about you, but me, I don't want 66 crocodile teeth in my ass cheeks.
11:04That's not appropriate.
11:06Careful Annie.
11:07Top end heat and bubbly have a way of creeping up on you.
11:11Champagne and I have an understanding.
11:13So, I waited.
11:15I waited a long time.
11:16With my trusty Smith and Wesson.
11:23So, how's it going?
11:24Perfect.
11:25Oh.
11:26Yeah.
11:27Had that one loaded right up then.
11:29Yeah, yeah.
11:29This is perfect, isn't it?
11:30Yeah, so perfect.
11:31Yeah, it looks perfect.
11:32I've been camped out for a week when the dog snuck up behind me.
11:35The son of a mongrel shot me in the back and I dropped my gun.
11:38But when Cowboy doesn't have his pistol...
11:41What does Cowboy use?
11:42I win!
11:43Yee-haw!
11:45What in hell?
11:46What's he doing now?
11:47He's going to take some kid's eye out.
11:52Hey, lollies.
11:53That's cheap.
11:54That was riveting.
11:55I think I need to choose her.
11:57How about we bring the birthday girl on stage?
11:59Yeah.
12:01Come on.
12:02Get Cowboy out of here, would you?
12:03Up he gets.
12:04It'll be fun.
12:06Catch up?
12:06I didn't invite him.
12:07It's your fault.
12:08You wanted to find Sperm Daddy.
12:10I helped.
12:11Done my bit.
12:12First of all, don't call him Sperm Daddy.
12:15That's gross.
12:15And second of all, you found him.
12:18Who?
12:19Sperm Daddy?
12:20Stop saying Sperm Daddy.
12:21Oh, would you like so?
12:22Hi.
12:23Hope you're enjoying yourself.
12:24Hello.
12:25How are you?
12:26Food's great, isn't it?
12:28So who is he?
12:29Well, he hasn't told me yet because he's too busy being the least subtle private eye on planet Earth.
12:34Have you played Quickdraw before?
12:36No, and I don't want to.
12:37No.
12:38It's easy.
12:39I'll show you.
12:40Are you going to sing Bubba's song or what?
12:42I don't know.
12:43It's a lot of parents.
12:45It's judgy.
12:48We can both see she's hating you.
12:50You can get out there and give her something to be excited about.
12:53How much cash did you pay him?
12:55He doesn't accept money.
12:56Shut up!
12:57You didn't pay him?
12:58I know, Dana.
12:59I tried, but he said I owe him a favor.
13:01What does that mean?
13:02How dead am I?
13:03Am I dead?
13:04You're on your own couch.
13:06What we're going to do is we're going to take five steps.
13:08And on the fifth step, we turn around and we shoot each other.
13:11Okay?
13:11Sounds so stupid.
13:13Yeah, that's the spirit.
13:14Good girl.
13:14She's really hating this, isn't she?
13:16I would be too in that dress.
13:19Cake!
13:19Cake will cheer her up.
13:20Okay.
13:21I've never seen you so stressed, Lauren.
13:23Christ, you should thank your lucky stars you didn't have kids in the 70s.
13:26We couldn't pursue our careers back in those days.
13:28It was, you're a woman, you're at home with a little tyrant.
13:32Of course you are.
13:33Where else would you be?
13:34Where are the candles?
13:36It was expected.
13:37But I'm just like you.
13:39More at home in an office than a playpen.
13:42One day, I saw my husband playing with the boys on the lawn.
13:47The boys were laughing.
13:50He was laughing.
13:51I mean, they were just having the best time.
13:54And it hit me.
13:56I don't like kids.
13:57I never have.
13:59I mean, I love my boys.
14:01Of course I do.
14:02But I didn't like them.
14:05My husband, though, he actually liked their little Muppets.
14:09That's nice.
14:10For him, maybe, but not for me.
14:12I thought there was something wrong with me.
14:14But I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.
14:19Ready?
14:19And one.
14:21One.
14:21A mother-in-law knows.
14:23She knows.
14:25Two.
14:26Ned's just like his dad.
14:27Naturally paternal.
14:28Three.
14:29You try to hide it, but you're just like me.
14:32Four.
14:34You don't like kids.
14:35Five.
14:36Bam.
14:39I'm dead.
14:42I'm dead.
14:43She shot the cowboy.
14:45I'm dead.
14:47Enough of all of this.
14:49Thank you for your cowboy act.
14:51Um, how about I sing my grandbaby a song?
14:54Go on.
14:58Where are the lollies, Trev?
15:00You'll never take it so long.
15:02Use him!
15:03Use him!
15:05Bob!
15:05Come here.
15:06Leave him!
15:07Come here.
15:08There's a right for plating up that posh crap.
15:11Why is your beef with me?
15:13Hey, Bob, it's time for the cake.
15:15Give it up, Johnny!
15:15Don't touch on you!
15:16Are you all right?
15:17Ah!
15:22Great party, boy.
15:27Happy birthday to...
15:31Cowboy?
15:33Cowboy!
15:35What a shit show.
15:38That was...
15:40That was my fault, eh?
15:43I'm just bad at beating him up.
15:45So come on, then.
15:46Tell me everything you can about this sperm daddy.
15:49Tell his dad.
15:51You sure you want to know?
15:52He wants to tell you it's your bird and not mine.
15:54Yeah, yeah.
15:54Who is he?
15:56Does the name Jared Kiralema mean anything to you?
15:58That's a Tiwi name, isn't it?
16:00That's right.
16:01Tiwi fella.
16:02Are you sure?
16:04How did you find this out?
16:06Cowboy's got his ways.
16:08Does he know anything about Taya?
16:13Is that it?
16:14Anything else?
16:15No.
16:16All right.
16:16Good.
16:17That's it.
16:18We're done.
16:19Enough of this quid pro quo bullshit.
16:20I'm gonna give you some money.
16:22No, ma'am.
16:22Deal's a deal.
16:24You still owe me a favour.
16:25How do you even function?
16:26You know what?
16:27Whatever.
16:31Jared Kiralema...
16:34Stop doing that!
16:38I don't care that you got a little boozy.
16:40I care that you keep saying I'm playing house.
16:42Who's playing?
16:43You both are.
16:44She's pretending to like it.
16:46And you're pretending this isn't what you've always dreamt of.
16:50Mum...
16:50Oh, what a mother can't hear what her son isn't saying.
16:53A son who goes to all this effort, all this stress for a child that isn't even his.
16:59What if he had a child who was his?
17:02Mum?
17:02You know that's not an option for us.
17:03I still remember those two weeks when you sat on my couch sobbing because of what she had said to
17:09you.
17:10Mum, we've made a conscious choice to be a child-free couple.
17:13Yes, well you've always gone along with whatever Lauren wants.
17:16What about what you want?
17:18This is what I want.
17:22Don't look at me like that.
17:24It's my job to look at you like that.
17:26How do I know the name Jared Kiralema?
17:28Er, he was only the biggest hottie in high school, don't you remember?
17:32Good at footy, right? School captain?
17:34Yep.
17:35And then he pissed off back to the islands after schoolies.
17:37Why?
17:38Is he here?
17:39Oh, no, no.
17:40He's...
17:41Shut up!
17:43He's Taya's dad.
17:44Yes!
17:46Renell!
17:47That's lovely.
17:49Lovely?
17:50The Kiralenas are a good family.
17:52I guess.
17:53And Taya deserves to be a part of that family, right?
17:56Of course.
17:57I mean, look.
18:00Ned is...
18:02How do I put this?
18:04I get it.
18:05You don't have to say it, sis.
18:07Ned's a good father figure, but...
18:09She's not his.
18:10She's ours.
18:11She's Jared's.
18:22Barb?
18:32Fair.
18:34Listen, Uncle Ned and I are sorry that your party was such a shitshow.
18:37A big shitshow?
18:39Yeah.
18:39A fucking shitshow!
18:40Okay, that's enough.
18:42I never had birthday parties with Mum.
18:45She knew I never liked people looking at me.
18:49We're just used to.
18:51It doesn't matter.
18:53Tell me.
18:54On my birthday we'd just drink a Paul's Ice coffee in Nightcliff at sunset.
19:00You're dumb, I know.
19:02Your Mum let you drink coffee?
19:04Only on my birthday she did, yeah.
19:07That's not dumb.
19:09That's deadly.
19:10See what happens when Mama stays out of here.
19:16Forgot to add parts, Aunt.
19:18You know what I'm thinking?
19:19What?
19:20You could be the dolly to my Kenny.
19:21Don't worry, darling.
19:22You'll be rid of me soon.
19:23I'll move my flight forward.
19:25You don't have to.
19:26I just don't want you to get your heart broken, that's all.
19:29I won't.
19:30You don't need to worry.
19:31We're good here.
19:32Sorry for not cleaning up.
19:34Thank you, thank you.
19:34Ned, you're coming with us, quick!
19:36Uh, Trev.
19:38Bye, man.
19:40You're shitting me.
19:41Can I take some of these home?
19:43Have what you bloody want.
19:44But make yourself useful, would ya?
19:47Greedy.
19:49Bye.
19:50Where are we going?
19:51It's a surprise.
19:52Okay.
20:03Yep, you're right.
20:04We should have done this from the beginning.
20:06Maybe give us a heads up a little earlier next year?
20:08Oh, what have you done to me, bub?
20:10Gonna be addicted to Paul's iced coffee now.
20:12This is delicious.
20:15What's funny?
20:17You're just like my Dad.
20:18Oh, really?
20:19What do you mean?
20:20That's the only thing Mum really ever told me about Dad,
20:23is that he loves Paul's iced coffee.
20:27What a bloke had good taste.
20:29What a bloke had good taste.
21:03It was breakfast.
21:03No, he was eating the whole.
21:12Without a loke of a blanching kid.
21:13It was a bit of coffee.
21:13I also quit eating food if he was eating.
21:14We don't want to eat it.
21:16He's so hungry.
21:17I want to go.
21:17I don't want to eat.
21:17I can't do anything.
21:22I mean, I don't want to eat.
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