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00:02The End
00:35Welcome, Watchers of Illusion, to the Castle of Confusion.
00:40Phase across time with us once more, for this is the age of adventure.
00:46I, Treyguard, master of the dungeon, give you audience.
00:51Watch now, you armchair adventurers,
00:54while others, braver than yourselves, challenge the secrets of my lair.
01:00A quest is now in progress, so here's a progress report.
01:06The Portsmouth boys have blown their quests, so Dan and Chums deserve a rest,
01:12while Helen and her three Welsh crew will show what Welsh wizards can do.
01:17But though they dodged a deadly sting and cured the giant's sneezing flight,
01:21they perished up in level one, by going left instead of right.
01:26And now the dungeon is besieged by Richard and his men from Leeds.
01:31They crossed the pit and bridged the room, but will they ever make it home?
01:36And now time turns, the fire burns, time out is gone, the quest is on.
01:44Now listen, team, as you no doubt realise, the symbols on the floor will each unlock a door.
01:50The door on the extreme right is always left unlocked for obvious reasons.
01:56The choice is yours, but once made, cannot be changed.
01:59Beware of stepping on any symbol you don't want.
02:03My only other advice to you is to look for a sign, symbolic of a true quest.
02:10Yes.
02:10Right, Richard.
02:12Yeah.
02:12Can you hear me?
02:13Right.
02:13Can you walk forward?
02:15No, that's...
02:16Until we say stop.
02:16Right, stop.
02:17Could you turn left, please?
02:19Holy grail.
02:20Yeah, I know.
02:21Right, could you walk forward, please?
02:24Right, stop.
02:25Right, could you turn right?
02:28Or walk forward, please?
02:29I'll come to the...
02:30That's it, just keep going.
02:32Right.
02:33That's it, just keep going.
02:34Yeah, keep going.
02:35Just keep going.
02:36Walk.
02:36You're all right?
02:37Simple.
02:38That's it, keep going.
02:39Where am I?
02:40You're in a room with an exit on the right and a table in front of you.
02:45So you've seen the place before.
02:47Can you walk forward, please?
02:50Keep going.
02:51Right.
02:51Stop.
02:52Right.
02:53Can you see the table?
02:54Yeah.
02:55Right, go around the table.
02:56Walk round it to the back.
03:01Right.
03:02Bread, everything.
03:04Nice.
03:05Can you see the objects?
03:06Yes.
03:07Can you?
03:07There's a piece of bread there.
03:08Right, take the bread and put it in there.
03:09Take the bread.
03:10Take the bread.
03:11I'm going to talk to you.
03:12As you realise, team, this is a clue room.
03:15It will, of course, be guarded.
03:17Anything found here must be earned.
03:21I am Granitas of legend.
03:26I have riddles of different kinds, of different legends.
03:31Turn around.
03:32And truth I seek.
03:34I have three riddles.
03:37One truth will pass, two will aid, three commands me.
03:43Fail completely, and I feed on you.
03:48There, but I shouldn't worry too much.
03:50If Granitas were all that clever, he wouldn't be living in a wall, would he?
03:54Just remember, advisers, you can help with the riddles, but only the dungeoneer may give the answer, and it's best
04:01to shout it good and loud.
04:03Here is my first.
04:05It swims in water, but isn't a fish.
04:10It fells great trees, but isn't an axe.
04:15It's coat is costly, but it isn't a mink.
04:21What is it, then?
04:25Could be, um, a swordfish, because it cuts down trees.
04:28Yeah, that's a fish.
04:29Come on, team.
04:30You'll be damned if you don't get this one.
04:33Could you repeat that, please?
04:35I repeat once, oh lady.
04:40It swims in water, but isn't a fish.
04:44It fells great trees, but isn't an axe.
04:50Its coat is costly, but isn't a mink.
04:55Richard?
04:56Richard?
04:57We think the answer is a beaver.
04:58Beaver.
04:59Truth accepted.
05:01Yes.
05:01Here is my second.
05:06You may not see him anymore.
05:09This fabled creature had a flaw.
05:13He could gallop fast, but could not float.
05:17And, worst of all, he missed the boat.
05:24A unicorn.
05:26Unicorn.
05:27Truth accepted.
05:29Yes.
05:29Here is my third.
05:34In the scriptures, if you read them, there is more than Adam's ale in Eden.
05:44So, answer, if you have the courage, what drink was made from the fruit of knowledge?
05:54Apple juice, why?
05:55Oh, Paul.
05:57Yes?
05:58I think it's cider, because it was the apple.
06:04Truth accepted.
06:05Yes, yes.
06:06Well done, Richard.
06:07Three is the score.
06:09You may know more.
06:10The doors ahead are open.
06:13The key is as useless as the fish.
06:18Quick, team.
06:19Remember the bonus.
06:20Richard, you must call out, I command you.
06:24I command you.
06:26Oh, very well.
06:29Magic have I none but this I know.
06:33Give gold to her who lies in wait, and keep the soap for your escape.
06:43Right, Richard.
06:44Take the gold and the soap.
06:45Take the gold and the soap, and don't put it in a knapsack.
06:49No.
06:49Right.
06:50Turn around.
06:51Right, could you turn around?
06:52Right, turn to your right, and walk forward.
06:58That's it.
06:58Just keep going.
07:01Where am I?
07:02You're in a room.
07:04There's a giant ball constricted.
07:05And there's a giant snake in the room, coming out of half a door.
07:11Which is broken.
07:12Which is broken down.
07:14There's another open entrance as well.
07:17Yeah.
07:18Right.
07:19Could you have moved to your right?
07:22Forward and left.
07:23Turn forward.
07:23Right, turn left.
07:25Forward, forward.
07:26Quickly.
07:28Keep going.
07:29Keep going.
07:30Just keep going.
07:31Keep going.
07:33Where am I?
07:34You're in a room with a chasm in front of you.
07:40And there's a bridge keeps appearing and disappearing.
07:44Rock to rock and stuck to stone, span the pit and cross the zone.
07:49Rock to rock and rock.
07:50Oh, thank goodness you're here at last.
07:53Well, you can see why I asked you to come.
07:55My magic causeway has got the jitters and I can't make it behave itself.
08:01It's almost useless as it is.
08:04Wait a moment.
08:06Where are your tools?
08:09What sort of a workman turns up without tools?
08:12And if you're not the workman, who and what are you?
08:16Come on, speak up.
08:17Say you're an adventurer.
08:18I'm a dungeoneer.
08:19I'm a dungeoneer.
08:22A dungeoneer?
08:23Called Richard.
08:24Called Richard.
08:25Richard the dungeoneer.
08:26Well, I must say, this is most disappointing.
08:33Oh, nothing works and you can't seem to get anything done these days.
08:39Oh, bother.
08:42Well, Richard dungeoneer, you will just have to cross the causeway as it is.
08:48Unless you want to stay over there forever.
08:50But don't think you can cross without paying for the privilege.
08:55I see you are bearing gifts.
08:58I will accept one.
09:01It doesn't matter what it is, just this once.
09:03But bring it to me and be quick.
09:05The causeway may disappear altogether.
09:08And then where will you be?
09:11Down in the dumps.
09:13Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:14Ooh, hurry up.
09:16Your friends will guide you out there.
09:18Go, go, walk, quickly.
09:22Left of the sop.
09:23Side, left, slightly.
09:25Right, now walk forward.
09:27Hold this up.
09:28Oh, that's it.
09:29Turn right.
09:29Good.
09:30Turn right.
09:30That'll pay for the plumber.
09:32Walk forward.
09:33Quick.
09:33Now, walk to me.
09:36Where am I?
09:38Right, Richard.
09:39You're in a...
09:40Oh, dear.
09:41That will teach you to walk down a monster's throat.
09:44And I'll see where you are.
09:46Trapped in its stomach.
09:47Well, there's only one way out of here.
09:49Well, too, Angeline.
09:51Welcome to that.
09:52I do hope you're carrying the correct clue of it.
09:56Now, listen, team.
09:57The only way to get out of a monster when it's eaten you is to give it an upset stomach.
10:02Now, what do you think is likely to upset it?
10:06Right, Richard.
10:07You know the soap.
10:09Yeah.
10:09Bend down and you'll be on the ground.
10:15Right.
10:15That's right, Richard.
10:17Now, stand up and wait for nature to take its rather distasteful course.
10:23Just wait there.
10:25Stand quite still, Richard, and brace yourself.
10:33Where am I?
10:35You're in a long passageway with four doors.
10:38Two on your left, two on your right.
10:39The first door...
10:40Warning!
10:41Emergency!
10:42Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
10:44I keep telling people that the great corridor of the catacomb isn't healthy,
10:48but still they keep blundering in.
10:50Hurry now.
10:51I think something's coming.
10:54I've got...
10:55Uh, left.
10:56Walk forward, Richard.
10:58Quickly.
11:00Stop.
11:01Stop.
11:01A bit further.
11:02One more step.
11:03Right.
11:04Turn left.
11:05And walk forward.
11:07Keep going.
11:08Go on.
11:10Where am I?
11:12You're in a big room.
11:14On your right and in front of you, there are big boulders.
11:16You've just come through a door.
11:18I can't see another one.
11:19Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
11:21Yeah!
11:21It's the jester.
11:23Oh, tra-la-la-la.
11:23Fiddle-dee-dee.
11:24Now I spy something even sillier than me.
11:27Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
11:28Oh, hello, room.
11:29Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
11:30Hello, dungeon.
11:32Ho-ho.
11:33Oh, and hello to you, my bold dungeoneer.
11:36Bold, but very silly, if you don't mind me saying so.
11:38And so saying, I introduce myself.
11:41Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
11:43Boop.
11:44Before you stands.
11:46Brr-roop.
11:47And dances to the fool of all the world.
11:52Folly is my name and foolishness my nature.
11:54Ha-ha-ha-ha.
11:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:56Confusion is my character and fun my armamenter.
11:59Oh, first things last, though.
12:01What's your name?
12:02Richard the Dungeoneer.
12:04Oh, Richard.
12:06That rings a bell.
12:07Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
12:09Right, then, Richard.
12:10Now we know who you are, although heaven knows where you are, the question is, where's the
12:16master?
12:17Here, Jester, and yet not here as usual.
12:22Beware, team.
12:22Folly means no harm, but can be harmful, as can all frivolity when indulged in at the wrong
12:29time and the wrong place.
12:30The witless are, of course, immune to danger, but you are not.
12:37Witless?
12:38Me?
12:38Ha!
12:39Surely you jest.
12:41Oh, no.
12:41Of course you don't.
12:43That's my job, isn't it?
12:44Ha-ha-ha-ha.
12:45Oh, and I suppose I'd better get on with it.
12:47Right then, Richard.
12:48Tell me.
12:49Do you like old jokes?
12:52No.
12:53Say yes.
12:53Oh, good.
12:54Well, you're going to love this one because it's absolutely brand new.
12:58Tell me.
12:59When is a door not a door?
13:03When it's a jar.
13:04When it's a jar.
13:05Oh, very bright.
13:07You're quite right.
13:08All right, all right.
13:09Now, this one's even easier.
13:10Tell me.
13:11When is a well not a well?
13:16When it's ill.
13:18Mm-mm.
13:21Oh, dear, oh, dear.
13:23Look, just to prove to you that even a fool knows the answer, a fool will give it to you.
13:28The answer is when well is a spell.
13:34And now, the master said that I was dumb, and that is what I now become.
13:39Well, who's the spell?
13:41Isn't it?
13:44Hello, Richard.
13:46Yeah.
13:46We think we've got a spell.
13:50So, should we ask, should we do it?
13:52We'll try spellcasting, yes.
13:55Spellcasting.
13:56W-E-L-L.
14:05Yes.
14:08Hello, Richard.
14:10Yeah.
14:10There's a well appeared in front of you, a bit to the left.
14:15A bit to the left?
14:16Yeah.
14:16Is that okay?
14:17No.
14:17No, you turn a bit to the left.
14:20Come on, team.
14:21You're wasting life force energy.
14:23No, right a little bit.
14:24Tiny.
14:25No.
14:25Yeah, that's it.
14:26Now what?
14:28Not to after.
14:31Hurry up.
14:32It's the only way out.
14:33Quick.
14:34Yeah.
14:36Can you see the well?
14:37Yeah.
14:38What's inside it?
14:38Quickly get in before your life force diminishes.
14:42Get in, get in.
14:44He knows.
14:44That's it.
14:47Where am I?
14:48You're in a large room with a skeleton.
14:52And underneath him is a coin.
14:56Oh, pie.
14:58And on the other side of the room.
15:00Warning, team.
15:01Dire warning, Dungeoneer.
15:03A catacomb bite is guarding this chamber.
15:06Richard, stay exactly where you are until your advisors can assess the situation.
15:12Life force energy level is critical.
15:14You must find food quickly.
15:16But for goodness sake, avoid all contact with the creature.
15:21Quick.
15:22Quick.
15:23Go for the pie.
15:26Quick.
15:27You must find food.
15:29Walk forward.
15:29Take a step to the right.
15:31A side step.
15:32Right.
15:33Right.
15:34Right, walk forward.
15:36Right, turn left.
15:38Right, walk forward.
15:40Don't.
15:41Can you see that?
15:42Don't call if you have to.
15:43Quickly, walk backwards.
15:44Backwards.
15:45Backwards.
15:45Walk backwards.
15:46Quickly, right.
15:47Put the pie in your thingy.
15:48Turn right.
15:49Put your pie in your thingy, my God.
15:51Yeah.
15:52Right, now walk forwards.
15:53No, run.
15:54Turn right.
15:56Right, walk forward.
15:57We'll tell you into two.
15:58Right, stop.
16:00Turn left.
16:01Walk forward slowly.
16:04Stop.
16:05Now a bit further.
16:07Right, turn round.
16:09Two right.
16:10Right, walk forward.
16:11Go on.
16:12Go on, that's right.
16:13Where am I?
16:15You're in a cavern with a table in front of you and slightly to your right and in front
16:22of you there's a box with a man sitting on it and he's got a long stick in his hand.
16:28In his hands.
16:29And there's something on the table in front of you.
16:32Yeah.
16:32Can you see what it is?
16:33It's a pear.
16:34A pear.
16:35Take the pear.
16:35Take the pear.
16:36Leave that grub alone!
16:39Ha ha!
16:39Hail to you, pig's bladder, adventuring swine.
16:45I guard these halls, so face me before you go thieving good honest food.
16:50Ah, well, we note that level two guards are as ill-mannered and ill-spoken as ever.
16:56They can, however, be reasoned with, which is more than you can say for a catacomb bite.
17:01Richard, you must challenge him to pass, and to challenge, simply call out, I challenge.
17:08I challenge.
17:09Challenge accepted!
17:11Cod's breath!
17:13I have riddles of all ages, and truth I seek.
17:17One truth will pass you, two may aid you, three commands me.
17:23Fat chance of that, fish guts, but you're welcome to-
17:26Fiddle-by-dee, fiddle-by-dumb, shaking your shoes for a paladin comes.
17:29Ha ha ha!
17:31Scuttle off, you strolling joke!
17:33Serious business is going on here.
17:35Any case, you ain't no paladin.
17:39How dare you!
17:41Folly is distraught, folly is insulted, and therefore, folly demands satisfaction.
17:47Hang on, hang on!
17:49You can't challenge me, because he's just challenged me!
17:52So wait your turn!
17:53Au contraire, my dear mindless monk, au contraire!
17:57With your appalling rudeness, you have challenged me, and therefore, the priority of combat is mine.
18:04But this is folly!
18:05Yes, that's right.
18:06Folly by name and folly by nature.
18:07Ha ha ha!
18:08Now, since we agreed that you gave the challenge, I get to choose the weapons.
18:12Okay.
18:14Okay!
18:16Ha ha ha!
18:18Excuse me a minute, young sir.
18:20This won't take long.
18:23What do you fancy, then, tinsel brains?
18:27Swords?
18:28Quarter star?
18:30Morning star?
18:32Or riddle?
18:34Oh, no.
18:34None of those.
18:35None of those.
18:37Harsh, offensive words have been spoken, and therefore, I choose insults.
18:42Now, listen, team.
18:43For folly, this is deadly serious.
18:45I can't tell what he's playing at.
18:47But duelling by insult with a level two guard is brave to the point of lunacy.
18:52Now, you're talking insults, is it?
18:57Very well.
18:58I'll give you insults.
19:01Three insults apiece.
19:03I'll get to go first.
19:06Here, then, is my first.
19:09Are you ready?
19:10Coming.
19:11Ready or not?
19:13Then, quail, you miserable, misbegotten remnant of a recently discarded horse dropping!
19:22And it's first blood to the guard.
19:24No sophistication here, but a very powerful insult.
19:27And it's clearly shaken folly.
19:28He's down a bit, but not yet out.
19:30And now it's his turn to make it.
19:34Hail to thee, O frockless priest, with rusted honour and brain diseased.
19:40When awards are given out for thickness, you'd sweep the board for sheer innepthness.
19:45Oh, dear, oh, dear.
19:46Extra style points here for rhyme, but not strong enough by half.
19:50The monk leads as they go into round two.
19:53Pathetic!
19:54You remind me of the elder from a recently launched gun boil!
20:00Ooh, nasty, and the monk's calling on all his experience now.
20:05Crude, but very effective.
20:07Polly's in trouble.
20:08Listen, fleewit.
20:10When your mother saw your mien, she bethought it was a sewer drain.
20:15Your father looked upon your face, and he left at once for the chrysanes.
20:20Oh, and a lovely shot from Polly!
20:23And the monk was clearly hurt by that one.
20:26No need to get personal.
20:28I'll thank you to leave my mum and dad out of this.
20:30However, if you want to play dirty, then I'm your man.
20:37Here is my third.
20:41When the joker is no longer funny, when his jokes can't earn him any money, when wit deserts the stupid
20:51clod, they send him here to do your job.
20:56And the strong finish by the guard, but a change of tactics there might just indicate a loss of confidence.
21:03Yet he's still in the lead, so it all depends on Polly's final retort.
21:06A Maltese washerwoman spawned you.
21:09Your father was a godless Turk.
21:12A life of crime has since deformed you, you stupid, ugly little burke.
21:18And now to draw the final curtain...
21:23Do you concede, then?
21:25I do! I do!
21:27Ah, well, in that case, I command you to serve young Richard here with anything that he desires, as if
21:34he and not I were the victor.
21:36And now, all this vulgar hostility has quite worn me down.
21:41I'm off for a rest.
21:42Bye!
21:43Richard, say thank you.
21:44Say thank you.
21:45Oh, never mind.
21:47Okay, young Dungeon here.
21:49Help yourself to the grub.
21:51Right, Richard.
21:53Yeah, hold on.
21:54I'll give you a password for this level.
21:56The password is...
21:58Cyclops.
22:00Cyclops.
22:01I'll come with you if I could, but...
22:04That scummy just has worn me down, so...
22:07I'll just stay here...
22:09Right, Richard.
22:10Get me confidence back.
22:11Yeah, take the food.
22:12You take the food.
22:13I know you go.
22:14Put it in your napsack.
22:15Put it in your napsack.
22:16Could you command you?
22:17No, you don't.
22:18Right, turn right, please.
22:20Right.
22:21Walk forward a little way.
22:22It might work now.
22:24Just keep going.
22:25Because you've got the password.
22:27Right, keep going.
22:29Warning, team.
22:30A complete temporal disruption approaching.
22:33Time is now the enemy.
22:36Oh, dear.
22:37A temporal disruption complete.
22:40A time flies, as the Romans would say.
22:43And although all continues in your world, here time has flown.
22:48All adventuring must now cease until you phase with us once more.
22:54Will our team triumph in adversity, or will the dungeon win once more?
23:00And if so, why should you care?
23:04And if so, why should you care?
23:04For here, nothing is real, and all must surely be an illusion.
23:10Join us again for Nightmare.
23:14And just keep telling yourself, it's only a game, isn't it?
23:27That was a bit scary.
23:28Tune in tomorrow to see if the quest is successful.
23:31Meanwhile, after the break, you can play along with us here on Challenge, and it's all absolutely free.
23:36If you've got digital satellite, simply hit the red button on your remote,
23:39and then join in on the Price is Right, which is straight after the break.
23:42Oh, dear.
23:54Oh, dear.