00:00So, if any of you are considering going into experimental physics, my door is always open.
00:05Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out, but now we know what
00:09happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium neon laser.
00:15Short answer is... don't.
00:22And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
00:30Dr. Cooper.
00:31Forget it.
00:35Excuse me.
00:37Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
00:39It's a waste of time.
00:40I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
00:46If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
00:52Hello.
00:58Nice work with the laser, by the way.
01:03Looking out at your fresh young faces.
01:06I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student.
01:12Of course, I was 14.
01:15And how I already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o'clock
01:19bedtime.
01:21Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in
01:27theoretical
01:27physics.
01:28Although it's more likely that you will spend your scientific careers teaching 5th graders
01:31how to make papier-mâché volcanoes of baking soda lava.
01:36Oh, good God.
01:38In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution
01:43to physics played a cruel trick on you.
01:45A cruel trick indeed.
01:49Any questions?
01:54Of course not.
01:57I weep for the future of science.
01:59Snell Hill, excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.
02:03Come, Leonard.
02:08Laser demonstrations looking pretty good now, huh?
02:35I love this time of the year.
02:36The leaves are turning.
02:38There's a bracing chill in the air.
02:40Plus, there's a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter
02:44weight to make them needy and vulnerable.
02:49That's right, honey.
02:50Have another calzone.
02:51Daddy can wait.
02:55Isn't that university policy against dating graduate students?
02:58No.
02:58If you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
03:00Damn, there's always a catch.
03:03Hey, guys.
03:04Hey, Leslie.
03:05So, dumbass.
03:06I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.
03:09The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it.
03:15But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
03:18Because first-rate minds call you dumbass?
03:23Oh, yeah?
03:23Well, you're a mean person.
03:28Excuse me, Dr. Cooper.
03:29I'm Ramona Nowitzki.
03:31I was at your talk last night.
03:32I think you're just brilliant.
03:34That is the prevailing opinion.
03:37God, now I'm gonna throw up.
03:40Howard Wolowitz, Department of Engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station's liquid waste disposal system.
03:50Ew.
03:54Dr. Cooper, I've read everything you've published.
03:57I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string network condensates, and was wondering how you determined that three
04:02-dimensional string nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons.
04:07Amazing.
04:07An intelligent labradoodle.
04:11Woof.
04:14The fact is, I'm quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string net condensate.
04:20Oh, my God.
04:20That would change the way we view the entire physical universe.
04:23It's what I do.
04:26You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz liquid waste disposal system is turning a few heads as well.
04:35Again.
04:36Ew.
04:40You know, I'd love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos.
04:43Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?
04:45I don't drink coffee.
04:46I do.
04:47I love me a cup of Joe.
04:49Well, it doesn't have to be coffee.
04:51How about dinner?
04:52I do eat dinner.
04:53Great.
04:53I know a terrific little Italian place.
04:55I never eat in strange restaurants.
04:56One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.
05:00Excuse me?
05:01Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tine fork.
05:05Three tines is not a fork.
05:07Three tines is a trident.
05:09Forks are for eating.
05:10Tridents are for ruling the seven C's.
05:14What if I brought food to your place?
05:16That would be acceptable.
05:18On Mondays, I eat Thai food.
05:19Meat crab and chicken satay with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.
05:23You got it.
05:24I already have your address.
05:29What a nice girl.
05:32Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
05:35Yes.
05:36Apparently, I'm getting a free dinner.
05:43Oh, yeah.
05:44No, this thing's majorly out of order.
05:46See?
05:47Sorry.
05:48Okay.
05:49Guess I'm taking the stairs.
05:50Where are you going?
05:514A.
05:52Oh, are you here to see Leonard?
05:54No.
05:54Dr. Cooper.
05:55Dr. Sheldon Cooper?
05:58We're having dinner.
06:01Sheldon Cooper.
06:04Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis.
06:11He's cute, isn't he?
06:15Sheldon Cooper.
06:21Hi, Leonard.
06:22Oh, hey, Ramona.
06:22Come on in.
06:23Thanks.
06:23Where should I put this?
06:24Uh, the kitchen's fine.
06:26Hey, what are you doing?
06:27I need to see this.
06:29Uh-huh.
06:31The viewing area's right over there.
06:36Sheldon, your girl, date, person.
06:38Ramona's here!
06:41Oh, hello.
06:42Oh, sorry I'm late.
06:43I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
06:46Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with
06:51himself?
06:52So funny!
06:54But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically
06:59exhilarating.
07:02My hypotheses tend to have that effect.
07:07I'm sorry I didn't bring enough for your friends. I assumed we were going to be alone.
07:14Oh.
07:15Yeah, no, we were just going.
07:17To watch, right?
07:21No, come on now. We're going out.
07:22Oh, come on. We'll be quiet.
07:26Um, let's go.
07:28Okay, you two.
07:30Just have a nice...
07:32whatever this is.
07:37Okay, you guys, look.
07:38I know this is none of my business, but I just, I have to ask.
07:42What's Sheldon's deal?
07:47What do you mean, deal?
07:49You know, like, what's his deal?
07:51Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets?
07:55Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
07:59Oh, come on. Everybody has a deal.
08:01Not Sheldon.
08:02Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce.
08:08I'm an advocate of mitosis.
08:12I'm sorry?
08:13I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
08:21On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a
08:26cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
08:31Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
08:35Hey, do you want to hang out with us?
08:38Well, what are you guys going to do?
08:41Uh, my mom's making a brisket tonight.
08:45The one with the little onions?
08:47Mmm.
08:51Yeah, I'm busy.
08:54Goodnight.
08:57Her loss. Let's go.
09:00Brisket party. B to the R to the ISK.
09:04To the E to the D to the...
09:08Don't.
09:13Hey, aren't you having breakfast?
09:15Yes.
09:17Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?
09:23Not in these pants.
09:26So, how'd it go with Ramona last night?
09:29Oh, great. She's smart, insightful, and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.
09:38Here's your spinach mushroom omelet.
09:44Did anyone touch it?
09:45Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant.
09:49Ramona pointed out that I've been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.
09:54Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.
09:57But you don't tackle the big issues, Ramona.
09:59You fence with them.
10:01En garde.
10:02Riposte.
10:07Touché.
10:10Morning.
10:10Hey, Leslie.
10:12So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.
10:18There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
10:23Oh, good one.
10:26I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money
10:30today.
10:32Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you're going to stay, you'll have to be respectful
10:37and quiet.
10:46Wait for me.
10:52So, have you worked out the neutrino issue?
10:54Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there. I just have to put them in the right order.
11:00You're so witty.
11:02Aren't I?
11:08Hey, guys, this package came free.
11:14Dr. Cooper is working.
11:16Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough.
11:18Oh, tickles.
11:21Sorry.
11:27Holy crap on a clock.
11:31Hey, Penny.
11:32Hi. You know, you probably don't want to go in there.
11:35Why? What are they doing?
11:37You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.
11:50Oh, boy.
11:53Dr. Cooper's working.
11:55Yeah, I can see that.
11:58Sheldon, Halo Night, Kuthropali, is you coming?
12:00Oh, yes, it's Halo Night. Let me just dry my tootsies.
12:05You're not going to Halo Night.
12:07Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo Night.
12:11Didn't a great man once say,
12:13science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?
12:19He did.
12:20And who was that great man?
12:22Me.
12:25Sorry, Leonard.
12:27Seriously? You're not coming?
12:29You heard her. How can I argue with me?
12:33Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good...
12:37whatever this is.
12:41Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
12:45I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.
12:49Halo Night, a man with your intellectual gifts doesn't waste an evening playing video games.
12:55He does on Wednesdays.
12:58Not if he wants a Nobel Prize.
13:00He does want that.
13:04Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?
13:08What do you think?
13:10Drat.
13:13Now, should we get back to work?
13:14I suppose.
13:20Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight.
13:23I guess I can wait for the DVD.
13:26And then never ever watch it.
13:38You can be my Yoko Ono.
13:42You can follow me wherever I go.
13:46Be my, be my, be my, be my Yoko Ono.
13:54Now that I'm far away, it doesn't seem to me to be such a brain.
14:02To have you hanging off my ankle like some kind of ball of jane.
14:10You can be my Yoko Ono.
14:14You can be my Yoko Ono.
14:15You can follow me wherever I go.
14:18You can be my Yoko Ono.
14:22You can follow me wherever I go.
14:28Penny. Penny. Penny.
14:31Sheldon, Penny, I've told you, it's a small apartment.
14:34You only have to knock one time.
14:35Please, please, I don't have a lot of time.
14:37Look, Ramona finally dozed off and I need you to help me get rid of her.
14:43Get rid of her how?
14:46I don't know, but apparently I'm in some kind of relationship.
14:50And you seem to be an expert at ending them.
14:57Excuse me?
14:58I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.
15:02Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.
15:06Dr. Cooper?
15:07Hide me.
15:09Hide you?
15:10I formally request sanctuary.
15:13Why aren't you working?
15:15Um...
15:17She distracted me.
15:20I told you, Penny, I don't have time for your nonsense.
15:22I have important things to do.
15:27Oh, man.
15:29I know what's going on here.
15:30Really?
15:31Well, then will you explain it to me?
15:33You're in love with Dr. Cooper.
15:36Uh, yeah, no, that's not it.
15:40Don't try to deny it.
15:41He's a remarkable man, but you have to let him go.
15:45Oh, gee, okay.
15:48I know it's hard, but he's a gift to the whole world and we can't be selfish.
15:53Yeah, he's a gift, all right.
15:57Sisters?
16:02Sure, sisters.
16:09Holy crap on a cracker.
16:20Sheldon?
16:26What are you doing?
16:28It's a Morse code.
16:32Why?
16:33So we can communicate through the wall.
16:37We are communicating through the wall.
16:40Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.
16:44I don't know Morse code.
16:46Well, it's very simple.
16:47This is A.
16:48This is B.
16:50This is C.
16:51Sheldon, I'm not going to learn Morse code at 3 o'clock in the morning.
16:54All right.
16:56Don't come in here.
16:57Don't come in here.
16:59Don't come in here.
16:59Aww.
17:04What's going on?
17:05Shh.
17:05Ramona's sleeping on the couch.
17:07I know.
17:08When is she going home?
17:09Never.
17:10That's the problem.
17:12I need your help.
17:13What are you talking about?
17:15I'm invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.
17:18That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created
17:23that's taking over the Earth.
17:25Come on.
17:26Don't nitpick.
17:29Good night.
17:30All right.
17:33I'm invoking our body snatchers clause.
17:36The body snatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who's been replaced with an alien pod.
17:42Yes, she's in the living room. Go. I'll wait here.
17:45Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed?
17:47Now, do it!
17:52You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now, come on.
17:56Godzilla claws?
17:58Nonetheless, she destroys Tokyo.
18:01Rats.
18:05I've got it!
18:06I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string network condensates.
18:12It's...
18:12It's unbelievable!
18:14It's paradigm altering!
18:15And I could not have done it without you.
18:17Oh, please. I just offered a little encouragement.
18:19Oh, there's a lot more than that.
18:21You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions?
18:23And you pumaced my hammer toe?
18:27How can I ever repay you?
18:28Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki theorem?
18:32Who's Nowitzki?
18:35I'm Nowitzki.
18:36Oh, you want me to share credit?
18:39Uh-huh.
18:40Get out.
18:44Oh, hey, hi.
18:45Oh, bite me.
18:49Sisters?
18:54Excuse me, Dr. Cooper?
18:56I'm Kathy O'Brien.
18:58I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string network condensates,
19:04and it just took my breath away.
19:07Maybe when I publish it, I'll include an inhaler.
19:14Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain?
19:18I see. Today's Thursday.
19:19Thursday nights I eat pizza from Giacomo's.
19:21Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.
19:23Great. I'll bring it to your place.
19:25I have the address.
19:30What a nice girl.
19:33Sheldon, do you see what just happened here?
19:36Yes. I'm getting a free pizza.
19:41I'm on a roll.
19:47More pad thai, please.
19:49Sheldon, you've already had four servings.
19:51You might want to slow down a bit, buddy.
19:54Just one more bite.
20:02Sheldon?
20:04Sheldon?
20:05Sheldon, are you okay?
20:06I'm just so...
20:08full.
20:09full.
20:21That's it. No more Thai food.
20:23Ha ha ha ha!
20:32Ha ha ha ha!
20:34No more than in person.
20:40No more than in person.
20:45Yes, the whole set is perfect for it.
20:45That's good.
20:45It is very good.
20:46It's very good.
20:47So...
20:47All right.
20:49That's good.
20:50You're right.
20:50I am out.
20:50You have a good.
20:51You have to go out and go out and go out.
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