- 5 hours ago
LOL: Last One Laughing UK - Season 2 - Episode 05: The Seagull and the Frankfurter
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TVTranscript
00:36We've got Bob Mortimer's Joker coming up.
00:39I am so delighted I'm not in that room for this.
00:43We can just enjoy it.
00:44This could be a problem for people.
00:46He's equal to an eye. I fear him.
00:49Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage Mr Graham Lister.
00:54Not ready for this at all.
01:10My name's Graham Lister, ladies and gentlemen.
01:13It's your privilege to be entertained by me this afternoon.
01:16I know doctors, dentists, architects are recently parked in the same park and ride as an anaesthetist.
01:26We're not fucking about here. Do you understand?
01:38Oh no. Don't own goal it, Bob.
01:48It's just loud.
01:53You got a problem, son?
01:56You got a problem, son?
01:57No, absolutely not, no.
01:58Yeah, you got a face like a Dalek's penis.
02:01You don't mind me saying.
02:04I'll have you know my next-door neighbour, but one, yeah, has access to agricultural poisons.
02:16Behave yourself.
02:19I'd like to present for your entertainment an item that I'm calling lard for laughs.
02:26I'll extract two laughs from lard by forcing the lard through the face of Mr Jimmy Carr.
02:38I feel weirdly honoured.
02:41Do you have a problem, son?
02:44No.
02:48Maybe I do.
02:53Oh no.
02:59I will force the lard through Jimmy Carr's face whilst extending the pronunciation of the vowel A.
03:08It's two laughs.
03:31Look at David.
03:38Lard.
03:41Lard for laughs, ladies and gentlemen.
03:45Oh, Mel's face.
03:46Secondly, for your entertainment, I would like to tell you about a very unusual incident that occurred at Costco in
03:54Croydon.
03:54I was there with my pet seagull, Ruth, shopping for apricots.
04:04We wanted a big catering-sized tin.
04:06We wanted a big catering-sized tin.
04:06Why wouldn't we?
04:07Why wouldn't we want catering-sized?
04:09We love our apricots.
04:12I have a keyboard behind here.
04:14I have a keyboard behind here.
04:14It's powered by success, represented by the trophy, obviously.
04:17And nourishment, represented by the mango.
04:21The mango.
04:23The mango.
04:26The mango.
04:29The mango.
04:43The mango.
04:45The mango.
04:45At the far end of the store, we spotted a large catering tin of apricots on the top shelf.
04:50It must have been 20 feet.
04:52Can you imagine?
04:5320 feet high.
04:55Let's have some music as they tell you what then occurred.
05:01So I clambered up on some crates of Sunny Delight and some Warsaw-packed cases of powdered milk.
05:13As I clambered up to the top shelf with Ruth on my shoulder, I reached up to the tin of
05:20apricots and sadly fell.
05:22And this song illustrates what occurred during that fall.
05:28Mangoes.
05:29Oh, my God.
05:32Oh.
05:47No.
05:49No.
05:51You get me.
05:53You get me.
06:04thank you ladies and gentlemen I hope you've been entertained
06:19tricky times guys tricky times very very tricky I think for me the moment when a
06:24the frankfurter came out of the seagull's mouth that was very difficult who was it
06:30okay that was definitely a laugh I'm okay who knows someone's gone Bob Bobbage
06:41Bob that was a ruddy privilege well I mean of course Bob took someone out reigning champion
06:52and all doors oh oh well it might be meeting it might be me oh my god you're sitting down
07:03like a
07:03human relax Jimmy that looked incredibly tough that was very difficult is the card red or yellow
07:13let's take a look oh my god this is so tense I would like to tell you about a very
07:19unusual incident
07:21that occurred at Costco in Croydon I was there with my pet seagull Ruth
07:31not Diane okay there's a red card that's a fair cop oh my god I'm so sorry you've got to
07:39come with me
07:39oh my god I can't cope bye bye everyone bye see you then well there Diane
07:46Doors I mean that was harsh you did very very well I'm glad it was Bob that took me out
07:51though
07:51yeah that felt pretty special it seems fair the seagull called Ruth that's what did it
07:56don't know why Ruth is a funny name for a seagull
08:00it's Diane Morgan everyone oh you did so well well done she did laugh oh team five of us left
08:12I had
08:1420 quid on you to win I thought you were just absolutely I thought you were absolutely well
08:19my money's on Sam look at him he's not laughable in fairness I don't think Sam understands a lot of
08:24what people are saying so it's a red card for Diane and she's out like what's the phrase out
08:32like a hot dog from a seagull's mouth yeah that's it you'll notice uh that Bemi is not here Bemi
08:39isn't
08:39feeling well so she's she's left the control room oh bless her I think uh suppressing laughter is
08:46probably quite hazardous to one's health I mean gutted that I missed the rest of the game but I am
08:51feeling much better now so let's restart the game oh here we go okay
09:03Maisie who do you think is going to win I think this is Sam's all day all day I mean
09:07Romesh is very
09:08very good at this I think it's going to be Mel I mean because Mel's laughing face is rock solid
09:14yeah
09:15she can attack because then she just does that yeah yeah do you throw down you get into the video
09:21games what's your relationship with that medium it's passed but very strong at one point do you
09:27remember when the resident evils came out yeah I used to do all the resident evils I once came back
09:31from a gig everybody was asleep in the house I started playing that and then I got so freaked out
09:36I didn't even I was too scared to even switch the console off I just left the controller on the
09:40floor and
09:40I went to bed they're getting very comfortable with each other in there so I'm going to send in
09:45the show's intimacy coordinators Natasha and Ellie
09:51I used to like bloody hell did anyone else have to enter through a hatch we've been there since
09:5710am there's a door over there I'm sorry but that's not okay right I'm sorry I feel sick
10:03I feel physically sick at that thank you we're listening and we're focusing thank you we are
10:07intimacy coordinators yeah okay do you know what that is so intimacy coordinators we're hired by the
10:14show to come to very toxic work environments a little bit like this we're here to make sure
10:18you're all feeling as safe and comfortable and respected as possible because we all know
10:22tv industry can be a little bit pervy carry on as you are we're just going to be floating around
10:29and we're going to pick you off one by one to have a little one-on-one just to see
10:32that you're
10:32all feeling okay no this is bad this is bad for me they're like two of the most talented
10:37character performers around you're leaving now but we're actually we're going to start with you
10:42my darling you're okay my love i was in a lot of trouble i was saying to her when i
10:46came in i'm a
10:47giggler i giggle non-stop yeah so i wouldn't last 10 seconds in here but um at the moment
10:53i'm fine because quite a few of my family members died last week
11:01sorry to hear about your family thank you so much you're the first person that said that to me
11:06has he got his parent here
11:09they accuse me of being a child even though i am certainly of age and have even been to nightclubs
11:17we weren't sure that you might not know what intimacy is um do you know what sex is
11:23yeah i think i do just to sort of let you know so the scientific explanation is um when one
11:28organ
11:29one private organ welcomes the other one within it so um if it's a man and woman the vagina welcomes
11:34the penis within it if it's two men um the one penis welcomes the other penis within it and if
11:40it's
11:41two women it's actually more of a pat amongst less than a welcoming within
11:47you're quite both quite close if you don't mind me saying that's okay that's okay we want this to
11:51feel safe so um first things first from mish and there are no wrong answers no nothing to be
11:57ashamed question number one first nice and simple would you consider yourself a pervert
12:07you think about it well no i don't want to just answer straight away yeah yeah i would not consider
12:13myself a pervert really okay god i had you down as one of the dangerous ones interesting okay so on
12:18a scale of one to ten how aroused are you right now like two good that's good that's that's a
12:24good
12:24answer how about if i do this is that what is that everything you're doing yeah still two i'd say
12:34okay
12:34is there any smutty or naughty language or words you yourself would rather not hear or are offended by
12:39i don't like a lot of the sort of slang terms for female genitalia okay okay well actually that's
12:46interesting because innuendo is actually okay in the workplace it's a fun safe way of expressing
12:51what you think without being too smutty so for me i like to describe my area as the mouth of
12:57a screaming
13:05seal was that a laugh that was a cough genuinely you weren't covering a laugh with a cough do you
13:10have to be honest at this point i'm honest and you could describe your areas um i don't know cheese
13:15baguette wrinkled leather pipe gentleman's factory or dead snake nasty little sword
13:28i'll leave you with that thank you okay that was the closest i came to getting a card without
13:33getting one that was horrific thank you so can we have you please can we have the child here
13:39you okay darling hello it's a funny way of referring to him i must say i noticed that
13:44yes that amused me does your mum know you're here yes she does is she okay with that yeah okay
13:51how have you been not good not good not been that hatch for about since 10 30. you've been in
13:57the
13:57hatch the whole time though yeah it's been incredibly dry they've treated us incredibly badly industry is
14:02so barbaric it is exactly and that's why we're here you know i just got asked to host junior naked
14:06attraction no you can't do that that's not okay that's not oh my god he's gonna break them
14:15so has anyone in the house smacked you nothing like that has happened to me and um has jimmy car
14:23touched you in any way he's touched me by staying on top for what is it 40 years in the
14:28in the business
14:28i love that i love that that's touched me
14:34david david and mel can we borrow you please i like sofa chat oh i don't think mel's gonna stand
14:40up
14:40well to this so we've been observing from our little hatch quite a lot of sexual tension between
14:45you two my mom we thought maybe because you're two both part of double acts and you're without
14:49your other half you've maybe been drawn to each other in a sexual way we have we we have had
14:55sex
14:56three or four times okay in the locker room was it a closed set locker three we used alan's sausage
15:05didn't drag me into it because we know it can be a little bit awkward to discuss sexual fantasies um
15:11what's your sexual fantasy i'd like to know yeah um okay i i don't mind saying this in front of
15:17you
15:17i don't mind not listening older man much much older um the older the better i'm saying and i'm in
15:25a
15:25bowling alley and we're doing everything but if you understand what that means and um when i climax i shout
15:32strike all right everyone okay we're just gonna wrap up now we've you've done really really well
15:45i will say that studies show that one in three people are perverts so there is at least one or
15:50two of you in here so good luck yeah can i open up your hatch for you ladies thank you
15:54so much if you
15:55wouldn't mind i think you came through here didn't you yeah thank you so much lovely to see you
16:10sam come back
16:21david can you do geordie absolutely not that is like no way howie give it a gore howie give it
16:29a gore
16:30i'd love to come to geordie with you give it a proper gore let's gun and do the medals for
16:35bob
16:36aye you're right you sound like you're speaking in tongues there mel i've lost it
16:41how are they going to get these to laugh i don't think anyone's going to go yeah okay this might
16:47help
16:47i've got a plan mel they've got oh hello it's the sofa jobs bob david you're going to go head
16:56to
16:57head in a special challenge bob you're going to be david's career advisor you need to get to know him
17:03find out his strengths and weaknesses and try and match him to the perfect job david your life is in
17:09bob's hands please take your places on the stage good luck guys come on team you've got this
17:15the game will start and end when the bell rings you don't mind if i jump on that one
17:19just tonight sorry come on sam how old are you david i'm i'm just 15. you must be very nervous
17:27then
17:28at that age i am i'm i did okay in my gtse's well just relax thank you because i'm your
17:33friend
17:34trying to you're you're not a careers advisor yeah but think of me as a friend okay you're a stout
17:41lad
17:46have you ever thought of uh working down the farm the the farm the sewage works oh i see yeah
17:55because
17:56i'm so fat no because you're stout you think i'd be good for the the work of a of a
18:05sewage works does
18:06it appeal to you in any way whatsoever i'd like to work in the creative industries please i'm a careers
18:11officer so i know nothing of the creative industries do you like digging have you ever buried mud
18:21no is it something that interests you though how would you tell where the buried mud started and
18:27the mud you're burying the mud in ended exactly it's a job that never ends it's a job for life
18:36when you were young did you and and your mother our father said what would you like to be when
18:40you grow
18:40what did you say i am young and i said to them yesterday i want to work in the creative
18:46areas
18:47and they said never mind that go and see this careers advisor and try to think of him as a
18:52friend
18:53would you like to design tight trousers
19:00yes i would actually ah yeah now we're getting somewhere because you know
19:06the uniforms down at the ship farm are getting increasingly tight
19:13are they trying to make the ship farmers appear sexier
19:17a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic but the job's the same and it's a job for life
19:24so i think this has been a great success we'll send you down the ship farm thank you very much
19:35the head to head with david just talking to david is quite intimidating and he pulled me up on the
19:42accusation that he was stocky he is stocky let's put that on record if in like if he was in
19:50like a
19:50medieval army he'd have been an archer a little stocky archer he knows it anyone for dessert something
19:58a bit sweet what are you offering i've actually made something that's nice i'll get some dessert
20:04absolutely i'm really proud of my biscuits and actually i'd forgotten about them because you do
20:10you sort of forget oh my god i've still got something in the locker thought i've got to get
20:14these in subtly and i think they did actually believe because i just said oh anyone fancy
20:19something sweet drama school training which i don't have i failed to get into drama school
20:27oh it's a little something this looks good little sweetie it's a nice tint they're vegan
20:34there's no nuts or anything like that how do you know i'm going to try because i made them
20:38are these yours yeah yeah thank you mel no worries lovies wait these are for real what do you mean
20:43i was sure this was a trick i think so david yeah those are a bit hairier aren't they
20:52i sometimes sometimes well sometimes my biscuits can get a bit hairy
21:01what i'd done was three normals on the top then there's a greaseproof paper
21:06and then we reveal the hairy biscuits quite a lot of hair there what mel why am i eating this
21:14that is
21:16oh look they're covered in hair oh this one doesn't look so bad no that's quite hairy
21:21what do you think that one's all right sorry i think those are fine i think this one's okay i
21:25think
21:25i can eat round it
21:30rum hair free or whiff of a hair i get what you were doing with the hairy biscuits but then
21:37to
21:37actually offer people biscuits and then we start eating them and then underneath there's a hairy
21:42layer i didn't know about that batch had gone a bit wrong i thought romesh was quite offended by the
21:47fact that he'd eaten a biscuit that it was adjacent to a hairy biscuit we'll never know where those hairs
21:52came from did you know romesh that alan sugar is actually 30 percent candarell
22:01bob don't do this to me man we don't do this man
22:05none of them are going to go are they is sam ever going to do his joker
22:10he's not done his joker okay all right all right
22:18hello last one laughing uh could you ask sam to do his joker no problem thank you
22:26sam could you do your joker please
22:30hey guys get ready you're about to see a show what the hell could it be he might just
22:36pull his teeth out through his arsehole while sam's getting ready i've got a little surprise
22:42what does that mean i don't know romesh please go to the locker room and open the utilities
22:49cupboard
22:52hairy biscuit bob do you want one of my hairy biscuits or not i do quite like the look of
22:58them
22:58actually
23:06oh hi romesh no no no come back come back
23:10look can romesh come to the utilities locker and then i do that and then this is jimmy car glory
23:17hole looking at me look your manager won't let me anywhere near you park i want to pitch you some
23:21ideas for shows like you know how you're always doing shows with your mum right i just thought it'd be
23:27cool if you did a show with my mum it's just you sort of traveling around with an urn
23:35i've got another great idea jimmy and romesh's cannon fodder we travel around bitten but everywhere
23:41we go we're fired from a cannon
23:50what about jimmy and romesh's naked attraction we take off our clothes and see if we're attracted to each
24:05other
24:15oh hello sailor something's going on there i think something happened in there what the
24:20frick that was very intense and yeah maybe it all played out in that room
24:30what happened roms i'm done what ah man
24:39hello that was bullshit man how's that bullshit i just had some ideas for shows
24:45i mean look can i be honest with you i thought what happened to me was unfair there's jokers
24:50there's head to heads nowhere did it say jimmy car will emerge as a surprise from a cupboard let's have
24:56a
24:56look at the replay all right all right last idea right jimmy and romesh's naked attraction
25:02we take off our clothes and see if we're attracted to each other
25:08that's mean oh that's really hard
25:16that's really hard oh dear with the little face in the circle it was like it was like a sniper
25:23it was
25:24so out of order yeah oh man rom come with me see you um see you and then there were
25:32four okay
25:32oh my god yeah yeah see you soon love you brother see you soon take care good luck doors good
25:39luck
25:39see you come on raj i i fully concede that was a dick move it was a dick move i'm
25:45going to say this
25:46jimmy jimmy car doesn't like me he's a prick put that in the trailer well thank god romesh laughed
26:04otherwise i would have been forced into phase two of the glory hole item okay i think we're all in
26:11for a little treat okay yes this is sam's joker right it's sam's joker let's restart the game let's
26:17laugh please i don't know if we're allowed to we're not now we were
26:26can't imagine what he's gonna do honestly i think we could all have a hundred guesses and none of us
26:30would know we're off all is well let's have a damn good laugh yes oh my god
26:38here we go oh my lord hello what is this
26:58now listen here today's the day i've invited father personal around for a cup of tea and i'm going to
27:05have to ask you to behave father percival cup of tea father percival is a man of the cloth an
27:12important man you're going to have to keep your beak shut remember last week when i stubbed my toe
27:19i cannot have you repeating any of the foul language i uttered in error as it would make him very
27:26very
27:27shocked promise you must because if father percival were to hear such things i may be moved to another
27:34diocese so you must promise me big shot promise coming father percival now you keep your beak shut and
27:47i'll bring you cuttlefish galore father toby trust you are well what a beautiful word can he speak
27:58not usually he mostly just sits there being very polite god i'm tired i was up all night
28:06fucking these two ladies from the parish
28:11i beg your pardon they both were bidders and they have uh fucking huge bazookas
28:22father percival
28:37i could have watched a bit more of that yeah i could on it's brilliant yeah first vicar was fabulous
28:45i nearly went in that one with the first vicar he was very droll i was okay with sam as
28:51a bird
28:52it kind of seemed yeah of course sam's a bird there's nothing unusual nothing to see here really
28:58i like the term bazookas bazookas was excellent well it feels like it's wrong because bazookas are sort of
29:05that they're more phallic aren't they well bosoms ago do such bosoms exist outside yeah yeah yeah they do
29:12would you like to fire like an arpeggio bazooka yes i'd like to would you fire a vicar or
29:17just a mattress or something i'd fire randomly bob good possibly in the leatherhead area nice
29:29mel's playing mel is not going out without a fight i think mel is a silent assassin yeah i think
29:34she is
29:40so what's this what has been happening i may applaud you though really was that okay i just i
29:45heard it was okay yeah that's nice you're good as a bird i liked you have good legs oh thanks
29:52david
29:53not realistically avian which is a good thing in legs is he on a sedative he's so dazed sam and
30:00he's
30:01like one of those pigeons that flies into a patio doors okay we're running out of time i'm going in
30:07you're going in iron man can iron up to 10 shirts in five minutes
30:18doors
30:21we've only got 40 minutes left by that time i thought no one was ever going to laugh again so
30:27we're going to go sudden death going to sudden death i felt okay this is a proper contest if you
30:32laugh you're out okay oh wow the stakes are high if anyone laughs it's a red card oh god
30:43tune in next week for another crazy episode
30:49do it in a rap way david that was in a rap way
30:54david have you ever dropped a bible you should have asked that six hours ago this thing on
30:59do you want to have a waltz with me bob meh i don't know what's going on this makes a
31:05lot more sense
31:07it's extremely funny sam's going to try and finish him off it's come down to this
31:13you've both played bye-bye an incredible game no oh my god
31:48you
31:49you
31:49you
31:49you
31:53you
31:54you
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