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00:29Transcription by CastingWords
00:43Transcription by CastingWords
01:28Transcription by CastingWords
01:39Transcription by CastingWords
01:4170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
01:45,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
01:45,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
01:54,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
01:57,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
02:00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
02:06LAUGHTER
02:07A hundred if I'm on my tippy toes.
02:11What does David Attenborough mutter every morning
02:14to get himself through the day?
02:19How many times you can say duck before people start to think
02:23you're never going to say goose?
02:29Last week, I gave Liz Truss £1,000 to invest.
02:34How many pounds do I now have?
02:38Is it how many times have I waited at the stage door for ABBA Voyage
02:42before realising they're not going to come out?
02:46Is it what percentage of Dara's body is hairless?
02:54Surprisingly barely.
02:56Is it how many posters of Obama is too many on my bedroom wall
03:00considering she's not as famous as her dad?
03:06She's like 30, what are you doing?
03:10Is it what would you score on Pointless for saying Rhys James
03:13in the category Cool Sexy Comedian?
03:17Is it how many different animals are in the cheapest sausage?
03:21LAUGHTER
03:23Oh, that's the one.
03:25That's the same as Marley or Obama, apparently.
03:29What percent of my money did I lose when I invested in Brewdog the Musical?
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36Is it how many laps of heaven Captain Tom has completed?
03:48And in many ways you're editing the show here and I don't think we're making good decisions, aren't we?
03:55Sorry, do we have the correct answer?
03:57Is it how many years Labour held Gawthon and Denton's seat before the election?
04:01That's absolutely right. Thank you very much, Rhys.
04:03APPLAUSE
04:08Yes, the question I'm looking for was how many years did the Labour Party hold the seat in Gawthon and
04:13Denton
04:14before losing it to the Green Party in the recent bi-election?
04:17She's our first ever Super Mario MP.
04:21She is. Yes, she is.
04:22A plumber who we haven't seen do any plumbing.
04:24Yeah.
04:25Wants to legalise mushrooms.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29I think I'm turning into my nan because I keep referring to her as a lady plumber.
04:33That is a big debate, yeah, yeah.
04:34Right, and I hate myself every time I say it.
04:36I feel, what's going to happen?
04:37I'm going to wake up, vote reform and try and turn on the dishwasher with the Sky Remote.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41There's a whole thing about how...
04:43Cos, like, a female plumber or a woman plumber sounds slightly creepy and weird,
04:47so you're left with a lady plumber.
04:49A lady plumber.
04:49Hello, I'm a lady plumber.
04:51That's what I call my gynaecology.
04:52Absolutely.
04:55She's not a lady plumber.
04:56I'm a lady plumber.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Would it be fair to say that we've all been pretending we've always known
05:04what Gawthon and Denton is?
05:06No.
05:08I keep thinking it sounds like manufacturers who make trousers
05:12that old people can soil themselves in.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Yeah, no, no, I do.
05:16Is that a company?
05:17Sorry, is there companies that make trousers for old people to soil themselves in?
05:21It used to be on the back of Sunday Supplements, but you're too young to remember then.
05:25Yeah, yeah.
05:26Dragons, I'm asking for a hundred...
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31We will now do a demonstration.
05:34Over to you, Deborah.
05:36She did say in her victory speech, she was like,
05:38apologies to anyone who I've got appointments with I'm going to have to cancel.
05:41And if you did have an appointment with her that she was going to fix,
05:44you'd be so pissed off...
05:46Yeah.
05:46..that you'd want to take it to your local MP.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49You turn up and you're like, come on!
05:52Jesus Christ, this is a bloody racket round here!
05:55The thing is that Zach Polanski, who's the leader of the Greens,
05:58isn't an MP, right? He's not a sitting MP.
06:00Yeah.
06:00She now is, so she's more powerful than him.
06:02So, any time he tells her to do something, she'll be like,
06:04yeah, all right, Billy, no seat, why don't you do it yourself?
06:07Hannah, I think you should ask the Prime Minister,
06:09oh, I think, I think, get your own seat,
06:11you can ask him yourself, you dickhead.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14It's nice that the party called Labour has been defeated by a woman
06:17who's done some.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21But the harsh thing is for Starmer, because obviously it's a huge loss
06:24for Labour... Yes.
06:25..that they didn't win this.
06:26And one of the main reasons they won is because she was campaigning
06:28on being a plumber, and the only reason she could be a plumber
06:31is with tools made by Starmer's dad.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36Everyone's angry with Starmer, but they're going to be even angrier
06:40when they find out how much promoting of foreign manufacturing he does.
06:44Apparently the first word he said in his wedding vows was IKEA.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:54How did reform react to their loss at the by-election?
06:58They claimed it was rigged. They did.
06:59They said there was family voting. Yeah.
07:01But I think that's also just reform being suspicious of the concept of loved ones.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09That is what families are, isn't it?
07:12It's like, yeah, we live in a democracy as society,
07:15but within that society and democracy is a thousand mini-dictatorships.
07:21That is what families are. Parents are dictators, aren't they?
07:23Look, I didn't get a vote as a kid as to whether or not I got christened.
07:26That was decided by this sort of Mussolini figure who raised me.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:31And her puppet husband.
07:33LAUGHTER
07:35One half-term, right, me and my siblings won the democratic vote
07:38to go to Thorpe Park, OK?
07:40Was that democracy upheld? No, we went to Halfords.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44It's all dictatorships. Of course, this is how it works.
07:46You're a dictator. You've got kids, you're a dictator.
07:49Yeah, of course I am. Otherwise, stuff wouldn't get done.
07:51I'm sorry, that sounds slightly fascist.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:54Stop wearing a black shirt, though!
07:58I think I'm going to get this model train to run on time.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:03Meanwhile, what have the Clintons been up to this week?
08:06Managing their greetings card company.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:20They've been being deposed about their being in the Epstein files.
08:25Yes. Right?
08:26And the thing is, like, Bill Clinton is sort of the one guy where you're like,
08:29it'd be weirder if you hadn't been.
08:32Like, you know what, like, you find out that Stephen Hawking was there
08:35and you're like, sorry, what?
08:37And then someone says that Clinton was there and you're like,
08:39oh, yeah, the sex president. Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah.
08:41Yeah, the guy who, you know, had sex in the Oval Office,
08:45how would he not have been there?
08:46I mean, how, like, Epstein would be in Clinton's files.
08:49Yeah!
08:51I wouldn't say, just like, Clinton clearly has a type
08:54and that type is women with large black boxes around their face.
08:58LAUGHTER
09:00That square thing has become so iconic now,
09:03that I'm going to do an app that just will, like,
09:06redact your photos on your phone just randomly.
09:08So when you're flicking through, just redacted faces just appear.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:14I think that is dragons.
09:15If you give me 50 grand for a redacted one,
09:19what we'll do is...
09:21So, randomly, your photographs will just...
09:22We'll just have somebody just...
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27APPLAUSE
09:30How upsetting would it be, though,
09:31if you did that on your phone randomly
09:33and it just covered up your face?
09:36LAUGHTER
09:36Also, yeah, Dara, no-one would ever be able to work out who that was.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:41You might want to redact the words mock the weak behind you.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:45That's a very good point.
09:46I thought it was so...
09:46Contextual clues, actually.
09:48If you don't hold it right,
09:50it looks like you're trying to sneak a peek out of your redacted box.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:55LAUGHTER
09:56That's...
09:57That's what it looks like when two ahead of you is a megabus,
10:01but ahead of you is a hearse.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06Let's do it!
10:08APPLAUSE
10:11Moving on, how are counsellors cracking down on fly tipping?
10:13Why would they do that if a fly gives you good service?
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19I thought, like...
10:22APPLAUSE
10:22You're right.
10:23Really mean.
10:25APPLAUSE
10:25I...
10:26You've got a fly tip.
10:27If you wear a button rather than a zip,
10:30you'll never forget to do it back up.
10:33Would you imagine?
10:34Oh, my gosh!
10:35I remember...
10:365010, my cock was always hanging out.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:39Oh, I know.
10:40I've worked with you for years.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43And that's why you're now redacted.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47Sorry, it's just reminding me of a story.
10:48My friend got on a train and went to the toilet
10:51and he accidentally hooked...
10:53I can't tell it.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55Just for the room, right?
10:56Don't...
10:56We'll put a black square over it.
10:58He went to the toilet, said he had his earphones on
11:00and when he came out, he hadn't realised
11:03that when he'd done his trousers up,
11:04the earphone cord had wrapped around his business
11:07and then when he got back into the train,
11:09he'd put his earphones on and just pulled his...
11:12LAUGHTER
11:16Sorry.
11:17Time for a podcast.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20Oh!
11:21The rest is history.
11:23Yeah, wild.
11:24What a weird December when your Spotify wrapped
11:26is just your dick.
11:29And presumably he wouldn't have been able
11:30to hear everyone screaming.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33The good thing is, if we all do a joke about it,
11:35it has to be a joke about it.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:38There you go.
11:39Oh, a deep baby!
11:41APPLAUSE
11:43And, do you know what?
11:44He was very embarrassed and he let himself down a bit,
11:47but no-one knew because he was wearing a fresh pair
11:49of Gorton and Jensen's.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:53At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Glay!
11:57APPLAUSE
11:59Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
12:10APPLAUSE
12:11Now we play a game called
12:12You Think That's Bad?
12:14In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
12:16this is a chance for a performance to compete
12:17to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
12:19and I decide whose is the worst.
12:21Anyone care to start us off?
12:22I'll go first, if you'd like to.
12:23I bought a tumble dryer this week,
12:26cos, you know, things are going all right.
12:27And I got it home and this tumble dryer is Wi-Fi enabled.
12:32And I don't really understand why.
12:33And it's made me really paranoid that the Russians are going to hack it.
12:36And I think they have, cos the other day I took all the socks out
12:39and all the little ones were inside one big one.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:45You can actually save a lot of money on a Wi-Fi enabled dryer
12:48if you set a VPN to pretend it's somewhere warmer.
12:55I was really going to say that you have some trousers
12:57that really need washing.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59I don't, actually, because I wear gourd teeth.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03You think that's bad?
13:04My girlfriend's got this parrot,
13:06she keeps in this cage next to the bed.
13:07I hate it so much cos it's just such an idiot.
13:10It's, like, genuinely the dumbest parrot I've ever seen in my life.
13:12It thinks I'm called Jonathan and keeps asking me to fuck it harder.
13:14It's like my name is Rhys.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:19If you think that's bad,
13:20I once texted my dad saying,
13:22Hi, Dad, can you pick me up tonight?
13:24But my phone changed the word pick to oil.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29Yeah, OK, Peter Mandelson, we believe it.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:32You think that's bad?
13:34The woman I'm seeing at the moment thinks my name's Jonathan.
13:41APPLAUSE
13:46Everything has just fallen into place.
13:49If you think that's bad,
13:50last week my wife and I watched all the episodes of Game of Thrones
13:54back-to-back.
13:55Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:05What's the dragon like?
14:06Tell me what the dragon is like.
14:09You think that's bad?
14:10When I was at school I once called my teacher Dad,
14:13instead of Daddy, that was a word.
14:16You think that's bad?
14:17I just booked a non-refundable holiday to Dubai in a week's time.
14:22You think that's bad?
14:23I've had a difficult life.
14:23My earliest memory is getting hit round the head with a cricket bat
14:26when I was 28.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:30I think that's bad.
14:31I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal,
14:34but apparently she'd seen a bin open like that before.
14:41I think that's bad.
14:42My own phone auto-corrects my name to the word shit.
14:48I'll hear it to shit, not shatter shit.
14:49You'd assume it'd be shatter shit, wouldn't you?
14:51I wouldn't perceive any of that.
14:53I didn't perceive any of that at all.
14:54Auto-corrects my first name to the word shit,
14:56auto-corrects my surname to the word shag.
15:00Which you are.
15:05Angela and I had a very acrimonious divorce.
15:08If you think that's bad, I've never even had a boyfriend.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:17Can we, in the edit, just use that?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Glair!
15:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:29The next round is called Redacted Redacted Andrew Redacted Mansell Redacted Island.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:37This game involves Angela and Milton,
15:39so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
15:41This round is a stand-up challenge.
15:42I launch a wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,
15:44one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
15:47The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
15:49OK, here we go. Let's have our first topic, please.
15:51Let's spin the wheel.
15:54The first topic is nudity. Who wants to come in on that?
15:57Angela.
15:59The look of fear on the audience's faces.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:02It's right, I'm not good at being naked.
16:04I don't like being naked.
16:05I've tried all those things you're supposed to do
16:07to be OK with your own naked body.
16:09You know, you're supposed to stand in front of a mirror
16:10and say out loud all the things you love about your body,
16:13but unfortunately, the only thing I ever come up with
16:15is left nipple marginally less hairy than right.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:21German people are really good at being naked.
16:23You'll know...
16:23If you've ever been on holiday to the Canary Islands,
16:26you'll know it's just English pubs and German penises
16:28as far as the eye can see.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:30Well, they have the highest number of nudists
16:33per capita in the world.
16:34That's true for Germans.
16:35They love getting it out.
16:36And they do, but they do it in a very German way, you know.
16:38They're not all embarrassed like we are, a red face.
16:41They're like,
16:41why wouldn't I want to get the air on all my bits?
16:43It's just very German.
16:44And I read about this because there's a German nudist movement.
16:48You might have seen their beaches all over Europe.
16:51They're called the FKK beaches, you know,
16:53the Freikorporculture, the free body movement.
16:55And I'm telling you about it because I read about the man
16:58who started that movement in the 1920s in Germany
17:02and his name was, I shit you not, Adolf Koch.
17:05Now...
17:06LAUGHTER
17:08I can't stop thinking about Adolf Koch back in 1920s Germany
17:12because I think there must have been a moment,
17:14there must have been a moment where he went,
17:15oh, no.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17Oh, no, I've started a nudist movement
17:19and my last name is English slang for male genitalia.
17:22Oh, no, thank God I've got a nice, normal first name.
17:27He didn't know, did he, what was going to happen?
17:29He didn't know what was round the corner.
17:30That's how you know that Hitler's the worst dictator, isn't it?
17:33Because he's ruined both his names.
17:35You can't call a baby Adolf anymore, you're not allowed to.
17:38You can still call a baby Benito,
17:40you can still call a baby Joseph.
17:41I said it to my friend, he said,
17:42yeah, you can still call a baby Paul.
17:44I said, Paul?
17:44He said, Paul Pot.
17:45I said, that's not his name.
17:48LAUGHTER
17:50I'm glad you got that, Dara,
17:51cos this is not...
17:53LAUGHTER
17:55Well done, Angela, very good.
17:57APPLAUSE
17:59That leaves us with Milton, let's see what your topic is.
18:02Let's spin the wheel.
18:05Topic is...
18:06Espionage.
18:17The Russians have infiltrated everything.
18:20Even the instructions to my cottage pie last night
18:23said Putin microwave.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:31But you need to know something, ladies and gentlemen.
18:33I've spent some time in the secret services.
18:36Yet the ones between Swansea and Cardiff on the M4...
18:40LAUGHTER
18:44..where all the signs are encrypted.
18:53I'm not quite sure why I lost my job with MI5 as an interrogator.
18:57And I didn't like to ask.
19:00LAUGHTER
19:02They said the reports of me defecting in a stairwell.
19:06I said they needed to read the reports more carefully.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:14I was sponsored by Gorton and Denton.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:20Another time, I was supposed to put bombs under ships in the harbour.
19:23I accidentally filled all our breathing equipment with nitrous oxide.
19:26I mean...
19:27We laughed about it at the time.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32Another time, I woke up in the middle of the night.
19:34There was a beautiful woman in my bedroom.
19:36I said, who are you?
19:36What do you want?
19:37She looked at me and went...
19:40Nikita.
19:41And sure enough, when I woke up in the morning,
19:43my radiator was missing.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52LAUGHTER
19:53LAUGHTER
19:56LAUGHTER
19:56LAUGHTER
19:57But it's not e...
19:58Nikita.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:01It's not easy to kill.
20:03Not even a mouse.
20:04In fact, I'm still banned from Euro Disney.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:10APPLAUSE
20:10Thank you very much.
20:11Go to Jones.
20:13Give that round.
20:14The points go to Angela.
20:16Both of you to come back, please.
20:18APPLAUSE
20:21Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
20:31APPLAUSE
20:33Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
20:36I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening.
20:38So, teams, what's going on here?
20:41That looks like 8pm Christmas Day when one person has still got their paper hat on.
20:46LAUGHTER
20:48It's a serious occasion, so he's wearing the formal presidential trucker hat.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:54That hat was actually Lincoln's.
20:57LAUGHTER
20:57Is this a picture of the happiest meal anyone's ever had in a harvester?
21:02LAUGHTER
21:02Is that guy coming in through the curtain going,
21:04sorry, I've got this room booked from 4 for Zumba?
21:07LAUGHTER
21:08Is that what chat GPC will show you if you say,
21:11can I see American Mock the Week?
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15Would this be the least appropriate time ever for a photographer to say,
21:19now let's do a silly one?
21:20LAUGHTER
21:21Is this photo taken, like, two minutes after he said,
21:24which one is Iraq and which one is Iraq?
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28Come on, Donald, let's just plan one more bombing,
21:30then you can stand in front of the map again and pretend to do the weather.
21:36Well, they've hung black curtains and drapes all around
21:38and it's completely changed the shape of the room.
21:40Let's see what the owners think.
21:41LAUGHTER
21:42I'm going to do something no president has ever had the bravery to do.
21:46Bomb the Middle East.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:50That woman does look like she's just said,
21:52we did save that we would wear white today.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:58Imagine Keir Starmer wearing a hat with GB written on it.
22:02I mean, Gordon Brown, all right.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:04Anyone have the correct answer, please?
22:06It's Operation Epic Fury.
22:08It is, of course. Thank you very much, Ahir Shah.
22:12Yes, this is US President Donald Trump pictured in the Situation Room
22:15from where Operation Epic Fury was launched.
22:18This is news that the United States and Israel launched
22:20extensive airstrikes against Iran.
22:21In response, Iran has launched retaliatory strikes across the region
22:24and at the time of recording, the conflict is still ongoing.
22:27We are aware there's a very sensitive and fast-moving situation
22:29and, obviously, we're everyone's choice, Mock the Week,
22:32to discuss this at some detail.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36Yeah, Mock the Week, they'll do a brilliant job
22:38of really digging down in a sensitive way
22:40to what is a very delicate situation internationally.
22:43Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
22:45So American, isn't it?
22:46Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone
22:52from the Epstein files for a bit.
22:54APPLAUSE
22:55Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
22:58It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03No, I will say that, while that's maybe not the most important
23:06thing in some ways, it is quite the most striking thing
23:09that he's the first person to ever host a World Cup
23:11and bomb one of the participants in the building.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:15There's very few...
23:16There are very few precedents for that.
23:18I think you'll find Italy did it to Trinidad and Tobago in 2006.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24Very much clever out of the news, yes.
23:26There are a lot of clever people out there.
23:27I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein,
23:28he had a degree in chemistry and combined in humanities.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:35Where is the...
23:36This is the...
23:38LAUGHTER
23:40I love that you just move on.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43You never dignify Milton with response, you just turn away.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:48I think the timing of it is, it gives it its time and then we move on.
23:52Yeah.
23:52That's absolutely what we should do.
23:53This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
23:56Where is this top-secret, secure room?
23:59Is it at a wedding venue?
24:00It looks like they've just cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
24:03He's very much at a wedding venue.
24:04It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel
24:06in front of you at the beach.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10What's happening?
24:11Are they saying, please stop talking about the war?
24:13Yeah, sort of.
24:15Erm...
24:15Can I remind you that you asked us?
24:17Yeah.
24:18At no point did I go, yes, I know we're having some fun
24:20talking about shitting yourself into trousers.
24:22I'd like to talk about the war, please.
24:25Shitting yourself into trousers.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:30I'm going to show myself fetch me the nearest pair of trousers.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34OK.
24:35In other news...
24:37What's going on here?
24:38There's other news?
24:39There's other news.
24:39In other news...
24:47That's the smile of a man who actually has a nuclear weapon.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:51This is how you solve a small boat crisis.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56He looks so shy.
24:58Doesn't he know he's beautiful?
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00He is.
25:00He's so cute.
25:02He's cute.
25:02He is cute.
25:03We have to admit, he is cute.
25:05He might be evil, but he's cute.
25:06He's like a labubu made of asbestos.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:11He is cute.
25:12Is he a little grab-the-cheeks?
25:13Yeah, he is a little baby.
25:16Do you remember, like, 20 years ago,
25:17when you'd get, like, photos developed at the chemist
25:19and then sometimes you'd end up getting someone else's photos?
25:21They'd always look like this photo.
25:24He said, a busy morning playing Jenga with massive bricks.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:30Yes, of course, it's a story that Supreme Leader of North Korea,
25:33Kim Jong-un, has officially named his successor
25:35as his 13-year-old daughter, Kim Joo-ae.
25:38There's another photograph released in this week,
25:40wearing matching leather jackets.
25:42Ooh!
25:42Looking very cool.
25:44There they go!
25:45Whoa, their jackets are matching.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:49Where'd they get them? The same shot?
25:53LAUGHTER
25:56They're the same height and they're nearly 100 bees tall.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:00What is amazing is that North Korea
26:03is going to have a female leader before the Labour Party do.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:08I didn't realise that Kim Jong-un succeeded his own father.
26:12And it's just, like, it's so annoying when you really like somebody
26:14and then you realise they're a Nepo baby.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:19Moving on.
26:20What have shoplifters in the UK been targeting?
26:23Chocolate bars.
26:23Yes, chocolate bars.
26:24And it's like a gang thing.
26:26Yep.
26:26They found bodies of ten men wearing concrete shoes
26:30in Wonka's Chocolate River.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:33Apparently there was one man who was found with a coat full,
26:37stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
26:40And, reader, I married him.
26:43Yeah, chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
26:46Maybe.
26:46There are lots of high-value chocolates out there.
26:48Freddo's a 45p now.
26:50Fuck off!
26:51Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
26:5445p for a widow!
26:55I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
26:57Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
27:00Yay!
27:01LAUGHTER
27:04APPLAUSE
27:06I can't believe you...
27:08You can edit that out of your mind.
27:10I can't believe you didn't believe in that,
27:11which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15I remember years ago going into a newsagent
27:18and opening a packet of Poirot Rocher chocolates,
27:21took the wrapper off and stuffed them down my trousers
27:23and then the shopkeeper stopped me on the way out
27:25and a couple of them just rolled out on the floor.
27:28And he said, are those chocolates?
27:29And I said, I hope so.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33I did read the story about the guy who was caught
27:37with a coat full of cream eggs and all I could think is,
27:39obviously I don't condone violence, but imagine if they'd shot him.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:46Oh! Oh, no! Oh!
27:48It's white and yellow!
27:50White and yellow!
27:51Oh!
27:51This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:58Like in a movie going,
28:00you made me cum my own cum!
28:03LAUGHTER
28:03Oh, my God!
28:05I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands,
28:07but the fondant won't come off!
28:09LAUGHTER
28:11Is that better?
28:12Is that more than they wanted?
28:13LAUGHTER
28:15LAUGHTER
28:15We can go back to this.
28:16It's your choices.
28:17Insensitivity about the wall or cum jokes about cream eggs?
28:21LAUGHTER
28:22We only have two tones here.
28:25Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
28:27Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says,
28:29have you swiped your nectar card?
28:30It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
28:32What are you talking about?
28:33They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
28:37And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen
28:39because someone wants it.
28:41Yeah.
28:41Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45TLC.
28:47LAUGHTER
28:52APPLAUSE
28:53And at the end of that round,
28:56Sarah, Rhys and that's Anne.
28:59APPLAUSE
29:03The next Anne is called Between the Lines.
29:05It features Glenn and Rhys.
29:06Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
29:08Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure
29:10on the world stage,
29:10while Glenn will translate what they really mean.
29:12This week, Rhys is Peter Mandelson.
29:15Oh, good.
29:18LAUGHTER
29:19Good evening.
29:20I am here to finally answer all your questions
29:23and at the end of the day, there won't be a stain on my character.
29:26I can't say the same about my pants.
29:29LAUGHTER
29:30I am not worthy of my peerage.
29:33I'm the worst lord since Voldemort.
29:35LAUGHTER
29:36Let me be clear, I am not the Prince of Darkness.
29:39I have been stripped of that title.
29:42LAUGHTER
29:42I am now the Mountbatten-Windsor of darkness.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:48The idea of me as some evil manipulator is ridiculous.
29:53LAUGHTER
29:55LAUGHTER
29:58Jesus Christ!
30:03APPLAUSE
30:06My life is in ruins.
30:08Who in their right mind would consider employing me now?
30:12I'm delighted to accept the role as manager of Spurs.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:18I am proud to have created employment opportunities for young people.
30:22Thanks to Jeffrey Epstein, my husband's a qualified osteopath.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:26I am embarrassed by the images of me in the Epstein files.
30:29I look like Winnie the fucking Poe!
30:32LAUGHTER
30:32I am still good friends with Tony Blair.
30:35He recently texted me saying, sorry, new phone, who dis?
30:38LAUGHTER
30:40I still have plans to make a positive contribution.
30:44I will destroy Harry Potter and become all-powerful and immortal!
30:48LAUGHTER
30:49LAUGHTER
30:50Well done, Rhys and Claire!
30:52APPLAUSE
30:58So, what is going on here?
31:01Is this a photograph of a man whose only proven crime is friendship?
31:07LAUGHTER
31:11There is a male loneliness epidemic now!
31:15LAUGHTER
31:16You've got to check in on your mates 10,000 times a day!
31:20It's OK not to be OK!
31:22That's what he was emailing.
31:23I mean, you can live on an island and also be an island.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:26LAUGHTER
31:28I recognise this.
31:29That's the frustrated look of someone having to collect a parcel
31:31that's been left with a neighbour even though he was in all day.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:36It's weird to think that he's Nelson Mandela's son.
31:40LAUGHTER
31:45It's not commented on enough, I think.
31:48LAUGHTER
31:48I mean, he must be an awful disappointment as a family.
31:51LAUGHTER
31:52Imagine being Peter Mandelson now.
31:54Every time the phone rings, he must shit himself.
31:56But luckily, he's wearing goate.
31:58LAUGHTER
32:01APPLAUSE
32:01OK, at the end of that round, the point is going to say,
32:03Risa Milktay!
32:05APPLAUSE
32:06Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
32:18Now, we play a round called What on Earth?
32:21I showed the panel a topical image and asked them to tell me
32:23what's happening.
32:24So, teams, what's going on here?
32:26Paul!
32:27Paul!
32:27LAUGHTER
32:30Is this how Jeffrey Epstein actually died?
32:34LAUGHTER
32:34Is he saying, come on, Iran, who fucking wants something?
32:38LAUGHTER
32:39The thing about this picture is, that guy on the right's camouflage
32:42is good, but the six guys on the left's camouflage is fucking amazing.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:47Is this the only gun that's got a trigger big enough for his finger?
32:51LAUGHTER
32:53Has he just found an unconventional way to scatter his mum's ashes?
33:01It does sort of have the vibe of Mummy's dead and I can have a go now.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07Is he saying, so, during Trooping of the Colour, this can fire three T-shirts
33:11into the crowd at once?
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14Oh, man, if that's all that came out, that would be very fun.
33:16If they did all that, they would...
33:17BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!
33:19LAUGHTER
33:20Tweet each other,
33:21CHARLES!
33:22LAUGHTER
33:23Is this just for if any more of his family decide to marry Americans?
33:28LAUGHTER
33:29Yes, it's actually an air rifle.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:31Oh!
33:33Come on!
33:34OK, yeah, very good.
33:37APPLAUSE
33:39Well, welcome to Radio 4.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:45Quip of the week.
33:46LAUGHTER
33:48Oh, God, not on the BBC any more.
33:51Yes, this is Charles handling a missile launcher on a recent visit
33:56to an army barracks.
33:57What further indignity has his brother Andrew suffered this week?
34:00Oh, it's terrible.
34:01They've said that King Charles has told him not to go horse riding,
34:04but I think King Charles just told him not to mount anything.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:09When was this, then?
34:10No, no, no, it's...
34:11That's a file photograph.
34:13It wasn't...
34:13He didn't immediately go, well, screw you!
34:16LAUGHTER
34:18The big issue was the horse in question.
34:20That's sugar.
34:21LAUGHTER
34:22I don't get why he would want to go horse riding anyway,
34:25cos that's kind of an activity that teenage girls are more...
34:28Oh, I get it, OK.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:31It doesn't look good.
34:33No.
34:34He looks horrible on a horse.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:39LAUGHTER
34:39I don't think he was like,
34:40Charles said,
34:41we want you not to ride a horse cos it just doesn't suit you.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:45He's calling him in going,
34:46Andrew, you look shit.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:50Your legs are all...
34:51Your legs are all out and down.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:54It's not a good look for you, Andrew.
34:57Do you think those trousers have been made by Gorton and Denton?
35:00LAUGHTER
35:02I don't think people would recognise him, actually.
35:04Well, you can see the bloke who was putting the lines on a football pitch
35:07just went right over him.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:11Do you think he...
35:12You know, cos he must be stressed at the moment with all this stuff
35:14that's going on.
35:16I'm sure, it's his fault.
35:17But he must still be stressed.
35:18Do you think he listens to relaxation tapes to try and take the edge off
35:20and it's like, just breathe, imagine you're on a desert island
35:23and he goes...
35:24LAUGHTER
35:30Apparently, now he's been banned from River Island.
35:34LAUGHTER
35:37At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ahern-Gler!
35:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:44Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see,
35:46so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
35:48I'll read it this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists
35:50can come up with.
35:51Here we go, the first subject is...
35:54Unlikely things to hear in hospital.
35:58Come straight through, we're not busy.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:04So, you're not going to believe this, but it turns out
36:07that with this sort of machine, turning it off and on again
36:10is actually the worst thing you can do?
36:13LAUGHTER
36:15I'm afraid it's bad news.
36:18I've left my wedding ring in your bum.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:24We have the results of your
36:26Are You Allergic To Chairs test.
36:28You might want to stand up for this.
36:31LAUGHTER
36:33So, you sat down suddenly on a golf course
36:36and had sudden rectal pain.
36:38That's a red flag for me.
36:43OK, just stand still for the X-ray.
36:46Great!
36:46All right, let's do a silly one.
36:50You can't keep prescribing pizza, Dr Oetker!
36:55LAUGHTER
36:58I've got the results from your X-ray.
37:01He doesn't want to get back together.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:09Well, I was told that screaming and shitting yourself
37:12during childbirth was normal.
37:14But now, apparently, I'm a bad midwife.
37:17LAUGHTER
37:17LAUGHTER
37:20Son of a bitch.
37:23Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Bitch.
37:24It's a beautiful baby boy.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:28Mr Smith, you've got a sausage up your nose,
37:30mashed potato in your hair.
37:32You need to eat more sensibly.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:37I appreciate that you're upset, and I'm not trying to brag or anything,
37:41but I said he had six months and I got it bang on.
37:44LAUGHTER
37:47Madam, when I said open wide, I meant your mouth.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:53Well, Mr Wallace, incredible to see.
37:55They've done a very successful full face and full body transplant.
37:59I'm in the wrong room.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03Yes, we first became concerned that you had a problem with cholesterol
38:07when we took a slice of blood.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:14We've lost him.
38:17Oh, no, he's over there.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:21I'm afraid you're going to have to take a pill a day, every day,
38:24for the rest of your life.
38:26So, here's nine pills.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:32The parking here is free.
38:35LAUGHTER
38:36LAUGHTER
38:40Bad news, you did shit yourself during surgery.
38:44But good news, you were wearing Gordon and Denton trousers!
38:51Going down?
38:52Yeah, I'll tell you how your grandmother's operation went in a second,
38:55but could you just press that button, please?
38:56The one that says Morgue.
38:59LAUGHTER
39:01Now, don't worry, this sort of shooting, stabbing pain
39:04is very common in people who've been shot and stabbed.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:10I've been a doctor for 30 years.
39:12Of course you can show me your scar.
39:14Morgue!
39:15Morgue!
39:17Morgue!
39:20The surgery was a success.
39:21We managed to amputate your leg with no problems.
39:23And we kept the one with the cool tattoo that says Amputate.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29The next topic is things you wouldn't hear in a cooking show.
39:35And this week it's a tricky skills test as we ask our chefs
39:39to negotiate peace in the Middle East.
39:42LAUGHTER
39:44As you can see, this lamb just falls right off the bone,
39:47which is why we're at the vet.
39:49LAUGHTER
39:51I want that real home-cooked feel.
39:54So I'm going to cock up the recipe, throw it in the garden
39:56and tell my husband to cook his own fucking dinner.
39:59LAUGHTER
40:02And today on Celebrity MasterChef,
40:04the surrealist Icelandic singer is cooking pyork.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:09LAUGHTER
40:13Hates peach?
40:14Hates peach?
40:15What do you mean, hates peach?
40:16I just want to know the chairman of the judges
40:18has a flavour of yoghurt he doesn't like.
40:20Oh, hates peach.
40:23LAUGHTER
40:26So if you just give a little tap on the bottom,
40:28you'll lose your job at MasterChef.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:33Well, as you can see, chopping up onions has really made me cry.
40:37But, er, thank you for watching.
40:38Today's episode is in memory of our beloved family dog, Onions.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:46Here's a little tip if you're making your own sourdough.
40:50Shut up about it, nobody gives a fuck.
40:56Today I'm making a classic roast chicken with an American twist.
41:00The chicken's got a gun!
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04I've intentionally left the chicken raw in the middle
41:08because I know Greg Wallace is going to be tasting it.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:14Simba,
41:16I know you thought it was selling out to do a Lion King cookery show.
41:21But I brought you a sandwich.
41:24Tuna-tamata?
41:26LAUGHTER
41:27LAUGHTER
41:32OK, this is Mary Berry saying,
41:34you've got five minutes left, bakers,
41:36and I'm getting fucking hungry!
41:40LAUGHTER
41:42LAUGHTER
41:48Now, do be careful, because if there's too much oil,
41:52there's a chance you'll be bombed by the United States.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:57APPLAUSE
41:59Now, I don't know if you do cheat days,
42:01but when I do, I like to call up the local Italian
42:03and have sex with her instead of my wife.
42:06LAUGHTER
42:08Simmer for 20 to 30 years and then snap and kill everyone.
42:13LAUGHTER
42:15Well, in 15 years of presenting Bake Off,
42:18that is the most delicious pastry I've ever tasted.
42:20I think you've earned the famous Paul Hollywood hand job.
42:29Welcome to Is It Cake, where you can't believe it's cake
42:32and we can't believe you watch this shit.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:37LAUGHTER
42:38Once again, today we're going to be making fruit wine.
42:41I'm going to be using my feet to crush the banana skins!
42:46LAUGHTER
42:50Now, this dessert is rather naughty.
42:52In fact, it features really quite prominently in the Epstein files.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is that?
43:01This piece of... That's not a souffle, that's a piece of shit!
43:03You're a fucking lowlife!
43:05How are you going to win Junior MasterChef like this?
43:08Thank you. The end of that round.
43:10The points go to Sarah, Rhys and Milton!
43:13APPLAUSE
43:15And that's the end of the show.
43:17This week's winners are...
43:19Angela Barnes, Ahar-Shan Glen Roar.
43:23Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth.
43:28Thank you for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
43:30Good night.
43:32APPLAUSE
43:34I think about the things that happen
43:37To rock the world of hope
43:40Don't believe you get in everything you should try
43:45We are the body
43:48We are the body
43:51This is the world, this is the world
43:54APPLAUSE
43:55Thank you to you, everybody.
43:56Thank you, Paul.
43:56I'm the man who is fighting you.
43:57It was a big part of my mind.
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