- 13 hours ago
Have I Got News for You S71E01
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00:36Good evening!
00:38Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:41I'm from the United States, and I'm sorry.
00:45In the news this week, in Kent,
00:47Reform's local council makes good on its promise
00:49to provide brand-new leisure facilities.
00:58As the battle continues between man and machine,
01:01there's worrying evidence that humans
01:03should not get complacent.
01:14And while doing a bit of spring gardening,
01:17Prince William can't help but think about
01:19his Uncle Andrew's testicles.
01:29On Ian's team tonight, a journalist for Channel 4 News
01:32who recently wrote a book about Keir Starmer.
01:34Now, Starmer hasn't had time to read the book yet,
01:37but after the elections in May,
01:38he may have all the time in the world.
01:40Please welcome Anoushka Astana.
01:47On Paul's team tonight is a writer and satirist,
01:51whose father came to Scotland in the late 40s
01:53and ran a pizza factory in Glasgow,
01:56or, as the locals call it, a health food store.
01:59Please welcome Armando Anoushka Astana.
02:06As always, we begin with the bigger stories of the week.
02:09Ian and Anoushka, what is the story?
02:12That's an address to the nation.
02:14Right, that's a 10-gallon hat.
02:16No-one can afford that any more.
02:19That's the secretary for war.
02:21Secretary for pumping iron.
02:23Keir Starmer on TikTok.
02:24Yes, I've seen that.
02:27This is the war in Iran.
02:29What did President Trump not foresee
02:31when he decided to take on Iran?
02:35Now, bear in mind, we only have half an hour.
02:38He didn't actually foresee anything.
02:40No.
02:41He didn't even foresee the end of the sentence
02:43that he was making.
02:45He literally thought that the way to stop wars
02:47is to start them.
02:49And historically, that hasn't proved to be true.
02:52No.
02:53Now, before we go any further,
02:54I think it's important to note right now
02:56that Donald Trump is currently suing the BBC
02:58for $5 billion.
03:01Yes.
03:01Our official opinion about the war
03:03is that it's going tickety-boo.
03:05Everything is great.
03:07Everything is great.
03:08That man is a genius.
03:09And he's also a malignant narcissist, isn't he?
03:12Yeah.
03:13I love your idea that this program has a view.
03:18I don't know about y'all's view.
03:20I'm telling you my view.
03:21Because you know my American version of this show
03:22is named in that BBC lawsuit,
03:24so that's why I'm actually over here
03:26to straighten that shit out.
03:29Trying to get my name out the paperwork, baby.
03:30I'll be like, my president is doing a good job
03:34with the papers.
03:38He literally has claimed in this state of the nation
03:41that all of America's war aims have been fulfilled.
03:45It's impossible, because they didn't have any.
03:47Yeah.
03:48And he said he didn't start it,
03:49they started it,
03:50and what he did was pre-start it,
03:52because he knew they were going to start it.
03:55So he wanted to get in early.
03:56And he is having negotiations
03:58with people who aren't imaginary.
04:00No.
04:00That's true.
04:02I'd like to make that clear,
04:03just in case the libel suit continues.
04:05He's not a fantasist who imagines
04:08that the voices in his head
04:09are the opposition negotiating.
04:11That's not his modus operandi.
04:13No, because he's a malignant narcissist.
04:15Yeah.
04:16Yeah.
04:17When you said he's negotiating with himself...
04:20Yes.
04:21And even if he's negotiating...
04:22He's the only person I know
04:23who negotiates with himself
04:24and comes out with the worst deal.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29Anushka, you are the Washington correspondent
04:31for Channel 4.
04:33Correct.
04:33Which means you carry a special burden
04:35of having to make sense of...
04:38LAUGHTER
04:39I'm a Trump watcher.
04:40I spend hours every day watching him.
04:43What is that like?
04:44Well, it costs a lot in therapy.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48According to CNN,
04:50the Pentagon significantly underestimated
04:52Iran's willingness to close the Strait of Hormuz,
04:56which is a vital shipping route
04:57for Gulf countries and global trade.
04:59Now, here's a bloke called Chris Walker
05:01posting on X, saying,
05:03I'm just some guy on his couch in Canada.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07I think nothing underestimated this.
05:09Yeah.
05:11APPLAUSE
05:13But let's hear from the president himself
05:16about how effective the war
05:17has been going.
05:18I can say tonight
05:19that we are on track
05:21to complete all of America's military objectives
05:24shortly, very shortly.
05:26We are going to hit them extremely hard
05:29over the next two to three weeks.
05:31We're going to bring them back
05:33to the Stone Ages where they belong.
05:35It's a curious construction, that,
05:37saying,
05:37we're going to bring them back
05:39to the Stone Age where they belong.
05:41It's as though he's welcoming them home
05:43to the American Stone Age.
05:46What goal is Donald Trump claiming
05:48to have achieved?
05:50Well, a victory.
05:51A regime change?
05:52Because it's new people.
05:53You've got someone completely different
05:55who's called Ayatollah Khomeini.
05:57Yeah.
05:58Who's the son of the man you killed.
06:00Yeah.
06:00It's a good tactic
06:01to replace someone
06:02who you've murdered
06:03with their children,
06:04because, on the whole,
06:05they like you for that.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06They tend to be more, sort of,
06:08soft and reformist.
06:10Bitly dem,
06:11this ayatollah.
06:13According to Donald Trump,
06:14there's been a regime change,
06:16because the person
06:17at the head of the regime
06:18has changed.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:22I wonder what that's like.
06:25That must be nice, though,
06:26just to have a regime change,
06:28there.
06:28Mm-hmm.
06:29That'd be nicer in America.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32We've had several of those
06:34and they don't work.
06:36Don Trump Jr.,
06:37would that be a regime change?
06:39Oh.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Let's move on.
06:42Yeah, yeah.
06:44Here's Jeremy Vine
06:45covering reaction
06:47to the news of the death
06:48of the Supreme Leader.
06:50We've got to show you
06:51some footage here,
06:51by the way,
06:52from Iran,
06:53of people dancing like Trump.
06:58So...
06:59CHEERING
07:01This is the...
07:03I believe this is...
07:05Is this in Iran now?
07:06It's in Iran.
07:07Come on.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:14So that...
07:15I gather that's in Iran
07:16and they're doing the Trump dance,
07:17which is just basically
07:18a very slight move of the hips,
07:19and...
07:20Oh, where is it?
07:21Where is it?
07:22It's not Iran.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Ah, it's crucially not Iran.
07:27And that's very important,
07:28because they're in Iran.
07:29They might all be killed.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:31I always love whenever somebody
07:33describes the Trump dance,
07:34they just talk about the hips.
07:35Nobody talks about the double jacking
07:37that's going on.
07:38That's an American phrase.
07:40Can you explain that?
07:40Yeah, that's an...
07:40Well, what do y'all call it here?
07:43The fiddler and the diddler?
07:44I don't know.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46We generally call it
07:47the Reform Party.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:54Now, how has Keir Starmer
07:57handled this situation?
07:59He seems to have done something
08:01which the vast majority
08:02of the population of Britain
08:03agree with,
08:04which is a first for Starmer.
08:08The newspapers all gave him
08:09terrific flack in this country
08:11to start with.
08:11They just said,
08:12why isn't Starmer invading
08:13Iran himself?
08:14And then they realised
08:15that this was actually
08:16quite a bad idea,
08:17so they did this massive U-turn.
08:18Does he get bonus points
08:20for standing up to Trump?
08:21Oh, I think so.
08:22It's not our war.
08:23And also saying, you know,
08:24Britain's aircraft carriers,
08:26they're rubbish.
08:26Where's the big American
08:27aircraft carrier?
08:29Oh, it's in Dock,
08:30because they had a fire
08:31in the laundry room.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:34I expect the Iranian Navy
08:36is quaking!
08:38Quaking!
08:38How do you start a fire
08:39in a laundry room,
08:40given that there's
08:41a lot of wet clothing around?
08:42LAUGHTER
08:44Trump actually said
08:45that the Iranian Navy
08:46was floating at the bottom
08:48of the sea,
08:48which indicates
08:50how much he knows
08:51about ships, really.
08:53Lastly,
08:54even if Trump does try
08:55and run for a third term,
08:57he's confirmed it.
08:58We have confirmation
08:58that he won't be voting
09:00for himself.
09:01I don't want
09:02a stupid person
09:03being president.
09:08APPLAUSE
09:09APPLAUSE
09:10APPLAUSE
09:12APPLAUSE
09:12That's a solid reason.
09:13So, this is the
09:15U.S.-Israel war in Iran.
09:16Every country in the world
09:18is now hoping
09:18the war in Iran ends soon.
09:20Well, apart from a green one.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24LAUGHTER
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27According to The Independent,
09:29the Strait of Hormuz
09:30is 21 miles across
09:32at its narrowest point,
09:33and now that Iran's
09:35Revolutionary Guard
09:36has successfully stopped
09:37all vessels from navigating it,
09:39they've been invited
09:40by Shabana Mahmood
09:41to patrol the channel.
09:42LAUGHTER
09:44The rising price of oil
09:45is beginning to hurt
09:46motorists at the petrol pump,
09:48so on the plus side,
09:49now's not that bad
09:51of a time for Tiger Woods
09:52to lose his licence.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:55APPLAUSE
09:56Paul and Armando,
09:57give us a click.
09:59OK, Keir Starmer,
10:00Pride in Britain in Wolverhampton.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:04LAUGHTER
10:04Stop talking to me,
10:05I'm busy.
10:07That's Farage...
10:07I think urinating, in true.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11And that's the lead
10:13with the Green Party.
10:14Dancing.
10:15Dancing, yeah.
10:15This week,
10:16all the major parties
10:17launched their local
10:18election campaigns,
10:19and so did Labour.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:24What are Labour Party
10:25chiefs expecting
10:27from these elections?
10:28Regime change.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:32APPLAUSE
10:34They are expecting
10:35sweeping losses,
10:37and that is the best-case scenario.
10:39What might a heavy defeat
10:41mean for Starmer?
10:43He's, yeah,
10:43the leadership challenge
10:44from Eva Angela Rayner.
10:46Or West Streeting.
10:47Or West Streeting.
10:48Or Ed Miliband.
10:50Or Andy Burnham.
10:51I might give it a go, actually.
10:53Whose mobile phone
10:55has been hard to trace?
10:57Oh, this is McSweeney.
10:59He was robbed of his phone
11:01last year
11:02and reported it to police.
11:04But they need the phone
11:05because it has all,
11:06you know, texts
11:07about Peter Mandelson.
11:09And there was a lot
11:09of disbelief about this,
11:11wasn't there?
11:1275% of people
11:13I saw a poll today
11:14think that he faked it.
11:16I didn't believe it
11:17because there was an account
11:18of the police
11:18taking this seriously,
11:19and I thought...
11:20LAUGHTER
11:22But it would be nice
11:23to have the messages
11:24between Morgan McSweeney,
11:26who was a friend of Mandelson's,
11:27and strongly advocated
11:30that he became
11:30ambassador to the U.S.
11:32And it would be nice
11:34to know that,
11:35just in the light
11:36of Keir Starmer's judgment
11:37on pedophiles
11:39and their friends.
11:40Who else is said
11:41to have been in the running
11:42for the U.S. ambassador's job
11:44when Mandelson was selected?
11:47Gary Glitter.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51LAUGHTER
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53It is also
11:53George Osborne...
11:55Oh, yeah.
11:56Oh, yeah.
11:57And TV adventurer
11:58Bear Grylls.
12:00Bear Grylls?
12:01What expertise
12:02would he have brought
12:03to that job?
12:04All the banquets
12:05would just be roadkill.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:09LAUGHTER
12:09Yeah, George Osborne
12:11and Bear Grylls
12:11were in the running
12:12but ultimately
12:12the job went to
12:14Bear Legs.
12:15Yes.
12:17Copyright Epstein
12:18Files 2026.
12:20I can't help
12:21but feel they've
12:21blocked out
12:21the wrong part there.
12:23LAUGHTER
12:23I can't believe
12:25that was the shortlist.
12:27George Osborne,
12:28Bear Grylls
12:29and Peter Mandelson
12:31for the top job
12:32in diplomacy
12:33in Britain.
12:34Worst ever edition
12:35of Blind Date.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:39In February,
12:40Mandelson
12:41was arrested.
12:42There is no charge
12:43as yet.
12:44One possible charge
12:45is misconduct
12:45in public office.
12:46Not that I don't think
12:47people should be held
12:48accountable for misconduct
12:49in public office
12:50but there are over
12:511,200 Epstein
12:52survivors
12:52and not one person
12:53is facing justice
12:54for actually abusing
12:56women.
12:56It's a disgrace.
12:57Sure.
12:58APPLAUSE
13:01Let's talk about
13:02Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
13:03No, let's not.
13:05Off you go.
13:06Andrew was arrested
13:07in February.
13:08Following his arrest,
13:09a prankster put
13:10the famous photograph
13:11of him emerging
13:12from police custody
13:13on display
13:15in the Louvre.
13:16Here it is.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18Oh, very good.
13:21APPLAUSE
13:21With the picture
13:22titled
13:23He's Sweating Now.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:27Now, as the local
13:28elections are coming up
13:30the BBC needs to observe
13:31strict impartiality
13:33and very fair
13:33journalistically
13:34so it is important
13:36that we take a look
13:36at how shit
13:37all the other parties
13:39are.
13:42It's fair.
13:46And we have to talk
13:47about the smaller parties
13:48like the Conservatives.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:50Posters are projecting
13:52that the Tories
13:53could lose
13:53three quarters
13:54of the seats
13:55they're defending.
13:56Meanwhile,
13:57who's riding high
13:59after the Gorton
13:59and Denton
14:00by-election?
14:01Green Party.
14:02Yes, the Greens
14:03who won their seat
14:04with their new MP
14:05Hannah Spencer.
14:06Because I was in America
14:07five hours behind
14:08I could watch
14:09John Craig on Sky News
14:10live
14:11in the middle of the night
14:12and I thought her speech
14:13was very, very impressive
14:15and apparently
14:15what every party
14:16is trying to copy.
14:18Yeah, and she's a plumber
14:18and she said she wants
14:19to change the system.
14:21LAUGHTER
14:23But what major cause
14:25has united
14:26Kimmy Batonok,
14:28Nigel Farage
14:29and Ed Davey?
14:31Think about pounds.
14:32New design
14:33for the pound coin?
14:34There we go.
14:35Ah, yes.
14:36Yes.
14:37The threat
14:37to replace
14:38historical figures
14:39including
14:40Winston Churchill
14:41on banknotes
14:43with pictures
14:43of British wildlife.
14:45Ed Davey
14:46in particular
14:47saw the historical
14:48significance of this.
14:49Winston Churchill
14:50helped save our country
14:52and the whole of Europe
14:53from fascism.
14:55He deserves better
14:56than being replaced
14:57by a badger.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:01APPLAUSE
15:03Is he that right?
15:04Is he that right?
15:05Should you not be putting...
15:06He's not.
15:07I have to take a picture.
15:07He's not being replaced.
15:09Winston Churchill
15:09has not been taken out
15:10of the history books
15:11and replaced with pictures.
15:13You will not go to
15:14Trafalgar Square
15:14or outside Westminster
15:15and the statue of Churchill
15:17it would be a massive badger.
15:20That's right.
15:20Right?
15:21It's just in the money
15:22which none of us use anymore.
15:25Anyway,
15:26that picture of Mandelson
15:27and his pants
15:28could go on the five-pound note
15:30and it wouldn't make a difference.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33I mean...
15:34APPLAUSE
15:38Now, at last,
15:39we come to the big story
15:41of the week.
15:42What's that?
15:42Bin collections.
15:44Bin collections?
15:44Yes, a new bin regulation
15:46has just come into force.
15:48Councils now have to
15:49empty food recycling bins
15:51weekly.
15:52It's the biggest shake-up
15:53in recycling policy
15:54since Swindon allowed
15:55yoghurt pots.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:57Now,
15:59you have no idea
16:01what you're talking about,
16:02do you?
16:03But many councils
16:04are simply not ready
16:05for this brand-new world.
16:07So, let's have a quick game
16:08of ready or not ready.
16:10Are you ready?
16:11Yeah, ready or not ready.
16:12I'm going to call out a council.
16:13You tell me whether or not
16:14they're ready or not ready
16:15to deal with the new bin policy.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:17OK.
16:18North...
16:19North Hampshire council.
16:20Ready or not ready?
16:21Ready.
16:21Not ready.
16:22Not ready.
16:22Yeah.
16:23I don't know why y'all put
16:24two Norfs,
16:24but that's none of my business.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:27Next council.
16:28West Northamptonshire council.
16:30Ready or not ready?
16:30That doesn't exist.
16:31That doesn't exist.
16:32They're definitely not ready.
16:33They're definitely ready.
16:35Ready.
16:35Yes.
16:36They're ready.
16:37I found my specialist subject
16:38on marketing.
16:39LAUGHTER
16:43Not many.
16:44Ready.
16:44Not ready, but trick question.
16:46Yeah.
16:46Oh.
16:46They've got a transitional agreement,
16:48which means the government
16:49won't put them down.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:52LAUGHTER
16:52Oh, there we are.
16:54This is the precarious position
16:56of the government
16:57ahead of the local elections in May.
16:59The newest MP in the Commons
17:00is the Green Party's Hannah Spencer,
17:02who used to be a plumber.
17:04She'll now earn £98,000 a year,
17:07but she'll do it for 90 cash.
17:10LAUGHTER
17:14The mysterious saga
17:16of Morgan McSweeney's missing phone continues.
17:19Apparently, when he reported it stolen to police,
17:22he didn't tell them
17:23he was Keir Starmer's chief of staff.
17:25Well, would you?
17:27LAUGHTER
17:28This photo of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor
17:31was mysteriously framed and hung
17:33in a gallery at the Louvre.
17:35Although, as expected,
17:36with anything related to Jeffrey Epstein,
17:38the CCTV camera cut out moments
17:40before the hanging occurred.
17:43LAUGHTER
17:44So we arrive at round two.
17:46It's time for Where in the World.
17:49MUSIC
17:51Now, to see where the hell
17:53we're going next,
17:54I'm going to use the same method
17:55as the President of the United States.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:58I will just throw a dart
18:01at a map.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:11This is the news that man is going back to the moon.
18:16One of the astronauts, Reid Wiseman,
18:17said, we're going for all humanity,
18:19but I think all humanity wants to go with you.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22We want to go there.
18:23Was it a rocket launch or a deportation?
18:25I wasn't...
18:26LAUGHTER
18:28On Wednesday, Artemis II blasted off
18:30from Florida's Kennedy Space Center.
18:33Here's the BBC science editor
18:35talking us through the launch.
18:37Seven.
18:37Ooh!
18:39LAUGHTER
18:42Oh, my goodness!
18:44Oh, my goodness!
18:46LAUGHTER
18:46Oh, my goodness!
18:48LAUGHTER
18:50LAUGHTER
18:53Wow!
18:55Oh, my goodness!
18:57That is spectacular!
18:59Was that what she said on her honeymoon night?
19:04APPLAUSE
19:07But they're making history, aren't they?
19:08Because it's the first black astronaut
19:10to go to the moon,
19:11the first Canadian to go to the moon,
19:12the first woman to go to the moon.
19:13It's all the same person.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:17Let's take a closer look
19:18at the Artemis II rocket first.
19:21What I'd like to know is, seriously,
19:22what's taking that picture?
19:24LAUGHTER
19:27What is the aim of this mission?
19:29What is the aim of the artist?
19:30They want to prove to Trump that it's not flat.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:35They are ultimately trying to have a proper base on the moon
19:40and they are testing that people can survive.
19:42And I think on the dark side,
19:44they're looking for a place to dump all the rest of the Epstein files.
19:48LAUGHTER
19:50APPLAUSE
19:54What confession did Artemis II commander Reid Wiseman make
19:59before liftoff?
20:01Afraid of heights?
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03Yes!
20:04Oh, no!
20:06Of course for you!
20:07No!
20:09Yes!
20:11APPLAUSE
20:11Don't look out of the window!
20:14What's new and unique about the Artemis II rocket?
20:17Oh, is this the toilet?
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20Yeah, this seemed to be the big news in Britain.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:23Is that the toilet didn't work.
20:26Yeah, it's the first outing for a state-of-the-art new space loo,
20:30which the astronauts have had special training for.
20:33According to the BBC,
20:34the new space loo has a special seat with strong suction...
20:38LAUGHTER
20:38..as well as handrails to keep the astronauts in place.
20:42How strong is this section?
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45If that was me, I'd never leave the spaceship.
20:48LAUGHTER
20:49But there were a few problems with the toilet,
20:52because, yes, it was malfunctioning just before take-off.
20:54According to the BBC,
20:56it would have meant that the astronauts
20:57would have had to delay the final push.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:05The BBC report was worse than that.
21:07It said they couldn't go to the toilet for six hours,
21:10but then they finally mended it, which was a great relief.
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15Did they do a captain's log, Charlie?
21:18LAUGHTER
21:18There we go.
21:19How did they go to the toilet?
21:20There we go.
21:21In 1969, how did they go to the toilet?
21:23They just did it in a bag.
21:25Yeah.
21:25See, now I've got to visualise that.
21:29And it was zero gravity as well,
21:30a sort of rudimentary game of table tennis
21:32was played on Apollo 12.
21:35The long-distance flights to, like, Mars,
21:37the safety measure against radiation,
21:40because it's a lot...
21:40You're out there for, like, eight months and there's...
21:43It's...
21:43..human waste.
21:45The ship is lined with human waste,
21:47which is a very good cushion and buffer for radioactivity.
21:51Oh, wow!
21:52So, you don't want to leak.
21:53That's all I'm...
21:54LAUGHTER
21:55What is your internet search history?
21:57No!
21:58LAUGHTER
22:02OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:06Here's your next story.
22:13BUZZER
22:14BUZZER
22:14It's Japan.
22:16Yes.
22:18Japan has just built a 100-mile sign,
22:20which is floating off the coast of Japan.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:23It's not the chair thing, is it?
22:25Points!
22:26Goodness gracious!
22:27Yes.
22:27Do you know why I know this?
22:28How do you know this?
22:29Because I presented Channel 4 News on the weekend and we did it as a story.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:32And it's amazing.
22:34It's an office chair race.
22:36Yes.
22:37And you push yourself along on your chair.
22:39Was nothing else happening in the world for Channel 4 News?
22:43LAUGHTER
22:57What makes that particularly funny is the seriousness of their faces.
23:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:00They do this ludicrous activity.
23:02What is the prize for the winner?
23:05You get to work from home.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:09I know!
23:10I know the answer!
23:12It's a 90-kilogram bag of rice.
23:15Is that like two ounces of rice?
23:16What's the...?
23:17That's 35 hectares.
23:19OK, understood.
23:20Understood.
23:21Now let's go to Germany.
23:22What pastime are the Germans obsessed with?
23:26Is this historically?
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29It's called hobby-dogging.
23:32Oh, dear.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:34We'll have none of that.
23:36Now, what is hobby-dogging?
23:39Why are you looking at Ian?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42Do you not have dogging in America?
23:44We've not.
23:45Not like this.
23:46LAUGHTER
23:47Or like that.
23:48Yeah.
23:50Uh, hobby-dogging is when dog-lovers train with imaginary pets on the ends of leashes and harnesses.
23:58Oh, is that what they told me?
23:59Yes.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:00Here they are. Here they are.
24:02Hop!
24:03Hop!
24:05Hop!
24:05Get your leg in. Get your leg in.
24:08Get your leg in.
24:08Get your leg in.
24:08Get your leg in.
24:09Get your leg in.
24:09Get your leg in.
24:10Get your leg in.
24:10Get your leg in.
24:11Get your leg in.
24:12Get your leg in.
24:16I mean...
24:20Why do you even bother with the leash?
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23How are the judges judging it?
24:25What are they...
24:26What are they looking at?
24:27Best of breed.
24:28Best of breed.
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30This is the Japanese sport of office chair racing.
24:34No, tell me about the dogs.
24:35We want to know about this one.
24:36We don't care about the Japanese running around on chairs.
24:38What about this lot?
24:39They are happy.
24:40So what?
24:42LAUGHTER
24:42Let them be happy.
24:44No, I didn't think they will.
24:45I like happy Germans.
24:46Don't you like happy Germans?
24:49LAUGHTER
24:51You want them mad?
24:54This is the Japanese sport of office chair racing.
24:57Racers can attain speeds of up to 20 miles an hour.
25:00It's the fastest anyone's moved on an office chair
25:03since Scott Mills was pushed out of the BBC.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08OK, time now for the missing words round.
25:11And in light of the exciting news about England's new Ben regulations,
25:14this week's guest publication is...
25:17Ben's Fantastic.
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20And we start with...
25:21Man sets himself challenged of what in his supermarket car park?
25:27Eating a hatchback.
25:29Recreating the Battle of Jutland.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Parking in every space.
25:33Man sets himself challenged of parking in every space
25:38in his supermarket car park.
25:40APPLAUSE
25:43This is...
25:44This is a...
25:44This was a Channel 4 documentary.
25:46Yes.
25:48This is a wheelchair man, Gareth Wilde,
25:50who spent a year and seven months parking in every space
25:53at his local Sainsbury's to give each space a rating.
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59They've said, quote,
26:01It's a bit sad now that I've finished it.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05It was a bit sad before you started.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:08Next.
26:09Frog spotted in Rotherham.
26:11What?
26:13Apparently.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17Spotted in Rotherham bin.
26:18Frog spotted in Rotherham is, of course, a bin.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24Here's the frog bin.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:28This is from Ben's Fantastic.
26:30The publication is the idea of a man described by his local paper
26:34as rubbish-obsessed.
26:36So, he's bound to be watching.
26:39Good evening.
26:40Finally, what spotted in River Thames?
26:44Water!
26:45Mm.
26:47Some clean water.
26:49Yeah.
26:49Small amount turd-free.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:52Performance artist wearing 24 nappies spotted in River Thames.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58What?
26:58Yes, here's performance artist Zach Minnell.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03Yes, he is covered from head to toe in nappies
27:06when he emerged from the River Thames,
27:08although he wasn't wearing them when he dived in.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12LAUGHTER
27:15So, the final scores are Ian and Anoushka have five,
27:19Paul and Armando have six.
27:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:25But before we go,
27:27there is just time for the caption competition.
27:30Oh, fuck me, he's good.
27:38On which note, we say thank you to our panelists,
27:41Ian Hislop and Anoushka Astana,
27:44Paul Merton and Armando Annucci.
27:46And I leave you with news that at Crufts,
27:48there's an unusual entry
27:50when one dog owner turns out to be a magician.
27:59It's been revealed that so-called porch pirates
28:02who steal other people's Amazon deliveries
28:04are becoming more and more audacious.
28:11And in Windsor, the king finally gets to see that photograph
28:14of Andrew in the back of the car.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:20Good night.
28:32APPLAUSE
28:34Catch more of Armando
28:35and debunk the baffling world of political language.
28:37Listen to Strong Message here on Sounds.
28:40On the way next, we're staying on the sofa
28:42and firmly out of trouble
28:43as a new series of The Young Offenders gets underway.
28:45APPLAUSE
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