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Gogglebox S27E09 H 264
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00:00Ooh, it's nice with the nappy off.
00:02You're sweet.
00:03Yeah.
00:04Yeah.
00:06Oh, she's got me.
00:07Oh, she's sweet.
00:08Oh, no.
00:09I'm covered, am we?
00:16Have you ever done her like that?
00:18Well, I'll tell you what they had.
00:22Oh, Barcelona.
00:25No, I don't like that this guy's trying to tell me how to eat my dinner.
00:28A what?
00:29What fetish?
00:30I had no idea that was a thing.
00:32Remove my britches.
00:33Expose your loins.
00:35I like that.
00:35Oh!
00:38Oh, Ronnie.
00:39This is weird.
00:40Gee, he's a mercenary bugger, isn't he?
00:42This is why I don't eat.
00:43That is Dyson with the Devil.
00:45Oh, no.
00:46He suffers for his art, doesn't he?
00:48Clearly.
00:48A Bentley Continental!
00:50I think I'd rather call it a Dane, actually, wouldn't you?
00:53Who's been arrested now and for what?
00:57In the week NASA's Artemis II rocket set off to the dark side of the moon, we enjoyed lots of
01:04great telly.
01:05The big man was loading it up on BBC One.
01:09Lord Sugar is on the hunt for the next big thing.
01:12He hasn't felt the need to change his name to Lord Sweetener, Nutty.
01:17Why on earth would he?
01:19Oh, that's so unfunny.
01:20Do you remember when I had a good sense of humour?
01:22Is that the standard of joke that I might crack?
01:25That's like one of the worst jokes I've ever heard.
01:27That's the reason I've stopped coming to London.
01:29I think my jokes have gone downhill, Nutty.
01:31I'd say, have you watched anything by Lord Sweetener recently?
01:36Brides were getting more than they bargained for on maths.
01:39He would rather starve himself, which turned into the opposite problem as he got older, and he turned into a
01:46gluttonous pig.
01:48I loved your wedding speeches for the fact of it was so… It was me, you and Brian.
01:55Yeah.
01:56Now, Brian was panicking because he thought he was going to say, hello, my name's Brain.
02:02Yeah, well, he is dyslexic.
02:04You hadn't written anything, and I was that nervous that I just read off my phone at 2x speed.
02:10Yeah, it's like having an auctioneer there.
02:12Hello, welcome to the wedding. Thank you, everybody, for coming.
02:14I've known Pete for 30 years. He's fantastic. Thank you very much.
02:17The buffet is now open.
02:20And then we're making Keep Fit sound easy on the BBC.
02:24Strength training puts stress on our muscle fibres and can cause microscopic damage to them.
02:30I see. It's not good for you, some of it, is it?
02:33It is.
02:34That's not.
02:35They grow back stronger.
02:37Do they?
02:38Yeah, it's like what they call, I think it's called microfibrilisation, where it grows back.
02:42Chris, have you chewed on a book or something?
02:54What can we do about these ants, Mary?
02:59Oh!
02:59Oh, one's just bit me.
03:01Oh, my God.
03:02What's happening?
03:03I've just been bitten by an ant, Mary.
03:05You have not.
03:06Yeah, there's two of them, ant and deck.
03:10Giles and his wife, Mary.
03:12Oh, Mary.
03:12Are you not serious?
03:14They don't bite, do they?
03:15Look, they were literally...
03:17Oh, they weren't in that jar.
03:18They were in the jar, Mary.
03:20But that's...
03:20Oh, my God.
03:21Look at the thing.
03:22Look at the lid.
03:22Oh, no, that's horrible.
03:23Look at how many...
03:24But who left the lid off?
03:25Look at ant and deck and all their family.
03:27Let go of the jar.
03:29Oh, my God.
03:29They're all over my hand.
03:31And they've gone into the jar, you imbecilic person.
03:34Oh, no.
03:34It wasn't me who left the jar loose.
03:37On Thursday night, beginners in business were at it again on BBC One.
03:42You see, the thing is, with Lord Sugar, you know, he goes, you're fired.
03:46What he doesn't actually realise is that the legislation now,
03:49with regards to employment law, has changed considerably.
03:51And if he's not careful, that he will end up in a tribunal.
03:55Yeah, and you don't want that on your hands.
03:58Not at his age.
03:59You're fired.
04:02Do you know what?
04:03I can't take my eyes off Alan Sugar's earlobes.
04:07Big old earlobes, them, aren't they?
04:09Whose earlobes are bigger mine or Alan Sugar's?
04:11Good morning.
04:12In the programme,
04:13Lord Sugar was remoting in with another creative challenge for the teams.
04:18Now, the UK spends an astonishing £9 billion a year
04:23on products for their pets.
04:25£9 billion on that guy?
04:27I can believe that.
04:28Really?
04:29Alan Sugar doesn't really know much about animals.
04:31That's just one trip to the vet.
04:34So you're going to come up with a new pet lifestyle brand,
04:39design an innovative pet product.
04:42I like that.
04:43This is a bit of me.
04:44I would excel at this task.
04:46The biggest purchase I've made recently, self-cleaning litter trays.
04:50Ooh!
04:51That's the kind of shit they need to be coming up with.
04:53Planning to pounce on a winning idea.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Now, imagine if you had the power to leave your dog voice nodes.
04:59Voice nodes?
05:00I speak to my dogs all the time, don't you?
05:01So do I.
05:02In my head, okay, there's a dog bed, right?
05:06And dog owners communicate and leave, like, little voice messages for their dogs.
05:09I don't think Perkins would like that very much.
05:11No.
05:12I would confuse them and think we're there.
05:13He thinks we're there.
05:14Surely that would freak the dog out, though.
05:16Yeah, dog's having him out next.
05:18Whoa!
05:19Where's that come from?
05:20The logo needs to be minimalistic and chic.
05:23Like, I thought of Maison Le Chien, which means house of dog.
05:25That sounds kind of sick, innit?
05:27Yeah, that sounds sick, Maison Le Chien.
05:29Chic canines or Chic Le Chien?
05:33Chic Le Chien?
05:34I know what chic is.
05:35Posh.
05:35Yeah.
05:36Posh dogs.
05:36In French, wouldn't it be the other way around?
05:38Le Chien Chic.
05:39Yeah, that just sounds way better.
05:41Le Chien Chic.
05:42Chic is very much like Paris Chic.
05:46It's very, like, elegant.
05:48Did she say chic is really...
05:49It's like Paris, it's like chic, so chic is chic.
05:52Just to confirm, the brand name is going to be Chic Le Chien.
05:58That's not how you spell it! That's not how you spell it!
06:01Yeah, that's not right. It should be C-H-I-C.
06:03T, yeah.
06:04I think if we can have the chic bigger than the Le Chien.
06:07Yeah.
06:07Yeah, we want the misspelt chic.
06:09Even bigger, please.
06:11Like that.
06:12Perfect.
06:13Chiqua.
06:14Chiqua Le Chien.
06:15I mean, seriously? And they're all going with it?
06:18It's a shame, because it looks quite good as well.
06:20It does look quite nice, but it means fuck all.
06:22Can I just double check the spelling of chic Le Chien?
06:25Good question.
06:26C-H-I-Q-U-E.
06:30That's not the spelling of chic.
06:32Oh, you cheat!
06:34I love her.
06:35Well done, Christian Wachis.
06:36But on air, you know.
06:37Yeah, she is.
06:38How would you usually spell it?
06:40So it would be C-H-I-C.
06:41C-H-I-C.
06:43Oh, like chic.
06:44Yeah, like chic.
06:45Oh, so you spell chic like chic.
06:48Right, yeah, okay, yeah, I see what you're saying now.
06:52So if we write a rough script for this, keep it short and sweet.
06:54Oh, so they're coming up with the messages that you're going to hear
06:57in the bed, right?
06:58Yeah.
06:58Weird.
06:59Hey, baby, I miss you.
07:00I'm running late, but I'll be home soon.
07:02Love you so much.
07:03See you soon.
07:04Bye.
07:05He would say that to the dog.
07:06Hey, baby, I miss you.
07:08Have you ever said to Pickle, hey, baby, I miss you?
07:10No.
07:10I would leave in a high-pitched woman's voice, Nutty,
07:14I'd leave a message, chicken.
07:16Oh.
07:17So this is going to be audio activated.
07:19Any loud bang, an ambulance, a knock on the door.
07:22Hey, baby, I miss you.
07:24I'm running late, but I'll be home soon.
07:25That clap just triggered it.
07:27See you soon.
07:28That's clever.
07:28Love you so much.
07:29See you soon.
07:30Bye.
07:31Aww.
07:32The dog's going to get fed up of that, man.
07:34That noise is going to get...
07:35She's going to get sick of the sound of her own voice, you know.
07:38We initially started with a round bed.
07:39Yeah.
07:39Then I was like, no, let's do it.
07:40Hey, baby, I miss you.
07:41I'm running late, but I'll be home.
07:42Oh, no.
07:43It's too sensitive.
07:44It's going off at everything.
07:46Obviously, it does go off with quite sensitive sounds.
07:50Hey, baby, I miss you.
07:51Oh, wow.
07:53Oh, no.
07:55Don't fucking drive anyone back.
08:01Let me out.
08:02Oh, guys, you know, today's a big busy day.
08:04We've got the pitch.
08:05Hey, baby, I miss you.
08:09Hey, baby.
08:11I'm just going to switch that off.
08:13Love you so much.
08:15See you soon.
08:15Bye.
08:16Yeah, bye.
08:17She's switching it off.
08:18She's not even like it herself.
08:19She's switching the bastard off and it's her voice.
08:22I've spunked so much money on pets over the years.
08:24I block it out because I don't want to remember because I've just upset myself.
08:27Exactly.
08:29But I can tell you what I wouldn't be wasting my money on.
08:32That.
08:33Yes.
08:37Do you know I went to fill my car up the other day?
08:39Oh, you're not panic buying, are you?
08:41No, no.
08:41I suppose you went to petrol station, put loads of petrol in, loads of bog rolls and everything.
08:46No, no, I just fill the car up.
08:48Best friends Jenny and Lee.
08:51Oh, I didn't half notice the difference because I always fill my car up when it's half full.
08:55Mm.
08:56Always.
08:57So.
08:59And I went and I thought, what a difference.
09:01Is it?
09:02Yeah.
09:03Bloody too expensive.
09:04Really?
09:05I said it'll last me six months.
09:06I was going to say, you don't fucking go anyway.
09:08I know.
09:09No, but now.
09:11The furthest you go is to petrol station.
09:14On Wednesday, Disney Plus took us on a flying visit to meet our favourite buzzing insects.
09:20Oh, the bees.
09:21Oh, you like all this shit, don't you?
09:23Yeah.
09:23I just love bees.
09:25You've always loved bees.
09:26I know.
09:26That's one thing consistently since I've known you, you do love a bumblebee.
09:30What if I told you bees could be the most important animals on the planet?
09:35I'd believe you.
09:37I'd bee-lieve you.
09:38Oh.
09:39There are over 20,000 species of bees.
09:43Wow.
09:44I never knew that.
09:44I didn't know that.
09:45I just thought they were just a bee.
09:46And together, they pollinate a third of the food we eat.
09:50Like what type of food?
09:52Potatoes, everything.
09:53They pollinate a spud.
09:58I'm kind of here for this.
09:59Yeah.
10:00Kind of creeped out, kind of here.
10:01I'm in the middle of doing a bee jigsaw.
10:03Are you?
10:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:05Different types of bees.
10:06They all look the same.
10:08He's a bugger.
10:10In the mountain forests of Japan.
10:13Has your sister had any encounters with bees while she's been in Japan?
10:16We don't really have much conversations about bees, I'll have to ask her.
10:20The Asian honeybee faces a much more frightening foe.
10:24What could that be?
10:27Giant hornets.
10:28Oh, they're bad bastards, them hornets.
10:31They're awful.
10:32Oh, right.
10:33Bloody hell, calm down.
10:34Oh, my God, look at them.
10:35Known by some as murder hornets.
10:40Because that is what they do.
10:44Oh, you see what they're doing?
10:46Why have we got things like that in our life?
10:49I don't know.
10:51Who needs them?
10:52A nearby hive is in the firing line.
10:56Oh, shit.
10:57Watch your back, lads.
11:00Oh, no, this is dreadful.
11:02I don't want to see this.
11:04Oh, it's just attacked!
11:07Oh, you arsehole.
11:09Luckily, the entrance is too narrow for the giant.
11:13Oh, it's too narrow, thank Christ for that, then.
11:15The hornet flies off.
11:16A couple of weeks on a Zen pig.
11:18It's straight back in.
11:20Recognise me?
11:21Yeah.
11:22I'm back.
11:23The hornet marks the hive with a chemical scent that will guide her and her clan right back.
11:34That's horrible.
11:35So they're going to come back in masses?
11:37This is like a nightmare.
11:39Well, I think you're overreacting.
11:40I can't.
11:40Why can't you just watch a nature documentary without being hysterical?
11:44So I've never seen such a horrible thing as a murder hornet.
11:49Workers race to collect fragrant leaves to mask the hornet's scent.
11:54Well, that's clever, isn't it?
11:57Dude.
11:58That's what I used to do when I'd been out smoking.
12:00On the walk home, I'd get a leaf and I'd rub it on my fingers so that when I got
12:04here my mum was like,
12:04let me smell your fingers.
12:05This extraordinary behaviour is a rare example of tool use.
12:12Look, it's wiping.
12:13It's using the leaf like a cloth.
12:15And look at them all working together.
12:17The bees work quickly.
12:20But not fast enough.
12:22Oh.
12:23Who's going to be upset, Mary?
12:25Here they come again.
12:26The hornet's back.
12:30With her sisters.
12:32Oh, God, there's three of them.
12:33Oh, what the bloody hell.
12:36And together, they slice their way in.
12:41Daniela.
12:42No, they're eating the entrance.
12:49Oh, it's in.
12:50Oh, no.
12:51Oh, no.
12:52Why don't all the bees just gang up on that big hornet now and just sting him in the face?
12:56Yeah, swat it.
12:57The bees only hope for survival is to respond as one.
13:03Oh, yeah.
13:04Attack.
13:05Oh, swarm it.
13:06Swarm it.
13:06Swarm it.
13:07Swarm it.
13:08Hold.
13:10Now.
13:12Go on.
13:12Get in.
13:16They're all on himself.
13:17Go on.
13:18Sting the bastard.
13:20Swarm it.
13:20Swarm it.
13:21Swarm it.
13:22Swarm it.
13:22Swarm it.
13:22Swarm it.
13:22Sting him up.
13:23Sting him up.
13:25The bees vibrate their wings together to generate extreme heat.
13:29That is perfect.
13:31They're going to cook him.
13:32They're setting it on fire with the wings.
13:34That's mental.
13:35And nuke it.
13:37Nuke it, yeah.
13:38Brilliant.
13:40The temperature in the centre reaches 115 degrees.
13:45What?
13:46Wow.
13:47Hot enough to fry a hornet.
13:49And then chuck its fried body out to warn the others.
13:52Yeah.
13:53Did somebody order a hornet?
13:54One fried hornet coming up.
13:56Send it back out fried.
13:58There's your mate.
14:00The next invader gets the same treatment.
14:04Yes!
14:06And here's another one.
14:07Yeah, get that one as well.
14:09Their collective action has achieved the near impossible.
14:13Oh, it's like...
14:15What?
14:16The next.
14:18And save the colony.
14:21That is wild.
14:23I mean, what's that last hornet going to do?
14:25Go back and tell everybody.
14:27Well, there we go.
14:28John and Kevin have just been killing that hive out there.
14:31Gonna watch them vicious little gits.
14:33Thought we were bad.
14:44in Blackpool...
14:45Tell you what, it was an emotional rollercoaster on Friday.
14:48Why?
14:49So Paige went to me, will you drop paper off at nursery?
14:51three. And I said, all right. Fucking hell. Yeah. For your kids. Yeah. Pete and his little
14:59sister, Sophie. I dropped off at preschool and I just got in the car and I just started
15:03crying. So I'm like, she's getting so grown up now. I'm welling up now. Oh. Like, she's
15:11such a big girl. I'm not in a, like, you get me drift. Yeah. And I'm just like, she's
15:18just straight in. She went, high five, straight in. Not arsed. Yeah, don't give a shit about
15:23me now. Go on. Natalie's just off to cry in the car. You have a nice day. I'm going to
15:28have a little fob in the car park. On Thursday night, it was time to set sail and go full
15:34steam ahead into the brand new series of this on BBC One. Hey, seeing us watching this, did
15:39you book a holiday? No. Oh, yeah, I did. Skagnes. Race across the world. Skagnes.
15:47Yeah. Race across the Umba Bridge. Do they go round the whole world? Yeah. You know what,
15:57right? Cos that takes 365 days, I think. No, it takes 365 days for the sun to orbit the earth.
16:06No, it doesn't. No. To get round the whole earth, it would take a year. The sun. Not a
16:13person. The sun. How lovely. Equipped with the essentials.
16:23All right, Molly, are you ready for this? I can't look. Time to find out where the race
16:27will take them. Your final destination is Hat Gal. Hat Gal. Where is that? Hat Gal. Hat Gal.
16:35Hat Gal. Hat Gal, you know.
16:37Where the hell is that? Yeah. In Jamaica.
16:40First checkpoint. Fiskado. Fiskado. Fiskado. Fiskado. Fiskado. That's giving Greece. No,
16:49it's not. That's giving Greece. Fiskado. To the east, in the wine dark sea of the Ionian
16:54archipelago, the Greek village of Fiskado. Oh, you're right. Well done, darling.
17:01Honestly, stick with me. It's near Meganissi. I've actually been to Fiskado last year.
17:05Have you? Yeah. Smelt of fish. Fiskado. We need to find out where Fiskado is, because
17:12it's not on the map. Do you know what, that train station? There might be a stop called
17:16Fiskado. I don't think there will be, because it's in a completely different country. It's
17:21in a remote island. I don't think you can go by train now. I don't think this place exists.
17:26I was thinking, aren't you? Oh, this isn't boding well, is it? Well, they're youngsters.
17:30They need to ask somebody. Come on, go and ask someone how to get to Fiskado.
17:34Here it says that it's a village in Greece. Oh, well done. She's Googled it. Oh, she's
17:40Googled it. Clever. So, I think the fastest way is if we can find a ferry over to Naples,
17:45I'm sure that we can connect very quick, sort of, up, across and down.
17:50OK, now you're... Now we're talking. Now you're talking, bruv, come on.
17:53So, there's always an option to get somewhere via water rather than having to fly.
17:59Mm-hm. I didn't know that. Two lads are over there. Oh.
18:02So, they're doing the same as us. Yeah. We can give them the game face eyes.
18:07Andrew and Molly are there now, with Joe and Kush? Yeah.
18:10That must be... Well, at least you know you're on level pegging, don't you?
18:13Yeah. Well, at least you know you're going the right way. Yeah.
18:15After that, we just take an island hop then to... To...
18:19A smaller ferry to Kefalonia. Yes, perfect. See?
18:22Father and daughter, look at that. Doing so well together. That could be us.
18:26And how much will it be for two?
18:28Sorry. Five, six, three.
18:31Ooh! That's quite a lot of their budget. We're ten short.
18:35Oh! Is there any way we could change money?
18:37Oh, they need to change the currency. Mm.
18:39Oh, that's going to delay Molly and Andrew.
18:41Well, yeah, cos they've got to go and change money now, haven't they?
18:44Or we won't be able to go on this ferry.
18:46Any of the boys have got their ticket.
18:48You wouldn't give us a tenner for a tenner, no?
18:49Oh, it's a shame. Do it not? It's a shame.
18:53I ain't going to lie. I'm right there with you. I'm right there.
18:57Oh, no, I'd feel too bad. I'd have to help.
19:00I feel like we should help them out.
19:02Yes! Help them out! Good karma. Good karma!
19:06It's a race! No. Oh, lad, what are you trying?
19:10What are you trying? What are you trying?
19:12Oh, you would be. Excuse me.
19:15We need to get our ferry ticket.
19:17Would you have ten euro and I'll give you ten pounds sterling?
19:21Gratzi. Gratzi.
19:24Oh, yes! Oh!
19:26Oh, look at that. Oh, someone's helped them out.
19:31After a long-haul ferry to Greece,
19:33the teams took to their heels for the race to the first checkpoint.
19:38Continuing on foot, look for the local map stand.
19:41That's the map stand. Map stand.
19:42And if you can find an off-road shortcut.
19:44An off-road shortcut?
19:46To your first checkpoint, hotel, Emily C.
19:49Oh, that's nice!
19:50They've got the hotel where they need to go.
19:52I mean, that's quite confusing.
19:54Oh, nice.
19:54You can find an off-road shortcut behind the back of the trees,
19:57see the brown cat, go left, hang a right, and then go through the well
20:00and you're at your hotel.
20:01And you'll be there.
20:02We need to find the maps.
20:04There's one here.
20:05Right, Molly, this way.
20:06No.
20:07There's the map stand.
20:09No, it's not a map stand.
20:10Well, what's that?
20:11That's a bloody map stand, you silly guests.
20:13What's that then, Andrew? Scotch mist.
20:16Hotel.
20:17There it is.
20:18Oh, it's right there.
20:19Where are we?
20:19Oh, the lads, they're on it.
20:20Oh, come on!
20:21Surely they're in the lead.
20:22Can we follow the water?
20:24See?
20:24Cush and Jo seem to be doing well now.
20:26They seem to have got it in the red now, aren't they?
20:28I've seen three of these.
20:30It is.
20:31I was right.
20:32Yes, you were right, Molly.
20:33You absolutely were bang on the money.
20:35You were right.
20:36We need to go back up the headland.
20:38Oh, you'd be fuming with your dad if he weren't listening to you
20:41and you were right all along.
20:42See, we would also become an insufferable
20:45if we were right and the person we were with was wrong.
20:48We couldn't let that go.
20:49You're saying Bob can do it in ten seconds?
20:51Yeah.
20:51Is he going to leave?
20:52Molly, come on.
20:54What?
20:55Andrew's puffed out, mate.
20:57Yeah.
20:57Well, I would be if I had a fucking house on me back like that.
21:00Oh, my God.
21:01Let's get in there and sign that book.
21:04There's the book.
21:04There's the book.
21:05There's the book.
21:06And the pen.
21:07And the pen.
21:07Oh, the pen.
21:07Sorry.
21:09Oh, bastard.
21:11Every time.
21:13Cliffhanger.
21:14It's almost like they want us to watch the next one.
21:16Well, I won't now.
21:17Out of principle.
21:18I absolutely will.
21:19Because I'm hooked.
21:23In Leeds.
21:24I said to Nat this morning, I went, I says, Nat, I've decided.
21:28I went, I don't think I want to have another baby this year.
21:30I want to wait till next year.
21:32Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
21:34And he actually jumped up like this and started doing a happy dance like that.
21:41And he was like going, hallelujah, hallelujah.
21:48And I says to him, well, I went, nah, I went, I am going to want to have one next
21:52year.
21:52I just think I've got too many projects on this year to be able to have a baby.
21:56He went, I'm going to start a project next year.
21:59I went, oh, yeah.
22:00What project are you going to start?
22:02He went, I'm going to put a swimming pool in that garden.
22:07I shouldn't have told him that.
22:08Gives him time to book in for a snake.
22:10Yeah, exactly.
22:14This week, there was fresh meat heading up the aisle down under on E4.
22:19Oh, it's my favourite, married at first sight.
22:23You do like this, don't you?
22:24I do.
22:25I was going to renew my house.
22:26Well, I wanted to.
22:27But Ray didn't.
22:28No.
22:33People used to, years ago, talk about the cost of getting married.
22:37Nowadays...
22:38It's the cost of getting divorced.
22:39Exactly.
22:40That's why we're still together.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Can't afford it, can we?
22:44No.
22:44Next to enter the experiment is an extroverted bride
22:47who is hoping to find her equally eccentric soulmate.
22:52Oh, this sounds like me, extroverted and eccentric.
22:55I'm Juliette, I'm 27 and I'm a receptionist from Melbourne.
22:59Oh!
22:59Juliette!
23:00Juliette!
23:00So I just like to say yes to almost everything.
23:03Me too!
23:05She's probably got a car sticker that says,
23:07One life.
23:09Live it.
23:09Mmm.
23:10I'm Joel, I'm 31, I'm from Sydney and I'm a model.
23:13He's fucking 31!
23:14I'm older than him.
23:21Hey, he looks nice in that suit, doesn't he?
23:24He is good looking.
23:25He's catalogue material, him.
23:27Catalogue?
23:28Yeah.
23:28Oh, it's a catalogue nowadays.
23:30Well, no, but...
23:31She's catalogue or was it Littlewoods?
23:32Yeah, both.
23:33Grattons.
23:34So I'm a model now, which I never thought in my wildest dreams would ever happen.
23:38I was a fat Uber driver for six years.
23:40A fat Uber driver?
23:42For six years?
23:43See, Dad, look, miracles can happen.
23:48Are they going to actually show that?
23:49Like I want them to.
23:51Like, that's a request.
23:53Are you having a laugh?
23:55Is that the same guy?
23:56Yes.
23:57That's an interesting angle.
23:58He was a fat Uber driver.
24:05Here comes the bride.
24:06Here comes Juliet.
24:09How are we going, guys?
24:14Why did you turn around like that, Debbie?
24:17Hi.
24:18That was a really weird turn as well.
24:20That really was.
24:21Hi, hubby.
24:22Hello, darling.
24:23Mwah.
24:24You look gorgeous.
24:25Okay, saying all the right things.
24:27Well, this isn't your typical man meets woman story.
24:31What do you mean?
24:31What do you mean by that?
24:33From the moment I saw you, I just had this funny feeling that it was going to take less than
24:36two sidings to marry you.
24:39What?
24:40Is that another shit joke?
24:41Okay, carry on, Joel.
24:43Who is this perfectly manicured, dapper, suave, sexy, modest, modest, don't forget modest, who says what he thinks and who
24:50is unapologetically himself at all times with no acceptance for anyone, anything, anytime or any place?
24:56It reminds me of Borat.
24:59Oh, yeah.
25:00It's like a spoof.
25:01He's like a spoof.
25:02He's a spoof.
25:02Joel's an extravagant man for sure, but I love that about him.
25:07Oh, okay.
25:09She likes him.
25:10Well, see, she wants something different.
25:12Yeah, she's definitely going to get something different.
25:14Yeah, like a clown.
25:15I think he's going to make me laugh a lot and that's something I said to the experts.
25:19I want someone to make me laugh.
25:20Yeah.
25:21Oh, why did you say that?
25:22Yeah.
25:23This isn't going to stop.
25:23Why did you tell the experts that?
25:25You see, now, if you were in Juliet's position and I was your brother there, you know, watching all this
25:30unfold, I'd be saying, let's just pull a plug on this.
25:33Yeah.
25:33The dude's obviously a helmet.
25:36And it wasn't long until Joel had another speech to make.
25:40Good evening, everyone, and thank you for coming.
25:43It's the wedding dinner.
25:44Oh, God, he's got to do another speech, darling.
25:46Someone needs to take the mic off of Joel, please.
25:49One thing about me is that I have an insatiable appetite, not just for food, but for life.
25:53Oh.
25:55For love.
25:56And, of course, for my wife, yes.
26:00You called him Borat and he just did Borat.
26:03Oh, my God.
26:05Oh, real recognise real.
26:06He's based his personality off of Borat.
26:08I hope you're excited to move in with me because I'm a real catch.
26:11Think more along the lines of anchovy than bluefin tuna.
26:15Um.
26:15Okay.
26:16Nobody's laughing.
26:18I am.
26:19I'm only joking.
26:21I'm talking about my old self, which was smelly and undesirable.
26:24Oh.
26:24Oh.
26:25Oh, nice.
26:26My hay fever is so ferocious, you can hear me sneezing from outer space.
26:30Oh, no.
26:31This is unattractive.
26:33And when I'm not sneezing, I'm snorting.
26:34Ah!
26:35Oh.
26:35Where every three seconds I have an urge to clear sewage from my throat.
26:39Oh?
26:40Oh, what?
26:42Why is he saying things like this?
26:44Through highs and lows, my loyalty will remain as strong as my B.O. after a Barry's class.
26:48Oh, yuck.
26:50Oh, God.
26:52I wouldn't even sit there waiting for the sweets.
26:55I'd be off.
26:56I wouldn't.
26:58Anything nice to say about Juliet?
27:01Somehow, I've got a feeling Juliet's opinion's starting to change a little.
27:06Yeah, I'm definitely a bit worried.
27:09A bit worried?
27:10I'd be very worried.
27:11I'd be running for the hill's pit.
27:13She's thinking we've got ourselves a fucking likewise.
27:16Yeah.
27:16This isn't legally behind it, is it, love?
27:18Just double-checking.
27:20It's not legal, this, is it?
27:22You know, it's just a fictional thing.
27:25They want to call it off at any time.
27:36In Manchester...
27:37I don't think Martha looks like you, sweetie.
27:40She looks like Dad.
27:41She does, she looks like her dad.
27:43She looks like Dan.
27:44Yeah.
27:45Alison, her husband George and her daughter Helena.
27:49Oh, look at her little feet.
27:51Look at her little feet.
27:53She's been collecting in her hand fibres and mulch.
27:58I see.
27:58And I've been having to remove it from her,
28:00but I thought you could do some felting with that.
28:02What, that's a little keepsake?
28:04Yeah, that'd be nice.
28:05It'd stink.
28:07But she's very good at collecting fibre.
28:10That's like belly buttons though, isn't it?
28:13Hmm.
28:13Has she got a good belly button?
28:15Looks like a cinnamon swirl.
28:17Oh, does it?
28:17Yeah.
28:18That's nice.
28:19On Tuesday, some familiar faces had tips and tricks for a better life on the BBC.
28:24I love self-help books and manuals, Nutty.
28:29There was one I bought called Life Was Never Meant To Be A Struggle.
28:33Well, it's not for you.
28:35That's right.
28:36We all want simple ways to feel better.
28:39Maybe you want to know how to kickstart your day.
28:42Absolutely.
28:42I do want to know how to kickstart my day.
28:44Stay in bed another hour.
28:46Yeah.
28:48All the cameras out.
28:49Or perhaps, you having trouble remembering things?
28:52Oh dear.
28:52Sarah, more fish.
28:54Mum.
28:54More salmon.
28:55Following in the footsteps of Dr Michael Moseley in his hit podcast Just One Thing.
29:01Sad about Michael Moseley passing, isn't it?
29:03Please, yeah.
29:04He wanted to encourage people and the idea was that if you did just one thing it would
29:09be better than nothing and it could make a huge difference.
29:12I can't believe how much it has changed my life.
29:17Just one thing, that's it you see.
29:19I want to know the secret, the just one thing.
29:22But I don't know if I do because then I might actually have to do something.
29:26Exactly.
29:26I don't want to do anything, not even one thing.
29:30Now I know it can be easy to worry when starting a brand new fitness and health regime.
29:35I've got a gym pass and I use it for the cafe.
29:39It's a nice cafe.
29:41It is.
29:41But I have just one thing that can increase strength, improve blood sugars and even give
29:48us stronger bones.
29:49All for the minimum effort possible.
29:52More for that, aren't you?
29:53Minimum effort.
29:54That sounds good.
29:55This is us.
29:56This is us.
29:57Totally.
29:57Minimum effort.
29:58The last bit.
29:59Minimum effort.
30:00Yeah, that's what we need.
30:01I'm on my way to meet 70-year-old retiree.
30:04Martin.
30:07Alistair, whose exercise journey has been far from easy.
30:11Hello.
30:12Hey, Roman.
30:13Hello.
30:13Hello, it's Alistair.
30:15Mm-hmm.
30:15Take a seat.
30:16I will.
30:17Thank you very much.
30:18Yeah.
30:19Your just one thing is...
30:22What?
30:23Easy exercise.
30:26What's he laughing for?
30:27What are we going to do?
30:28We're going to stand up.
30:28OK, I can do that.
30:29Right?
30:30Oh, we're going to stand up.
30:31I'm not standing up, pal.
30:33I want you to sit down.
30:34Uh-huh.
30:35Slowly.
30:36Oh!
30:37Yeah.
30:37Got you.
30:37The squatting.
30:38Come on.
30:42Oh!
30:44Dad's out.
30:45One.
30:47Two.
30:47Right.
30:49Three.
30:50Ready?
30:50Right.
30:51OK, I can do that.
30:52Ready?
30:52Right.
30:52Oh!
30:53I feel like pulling on my calf now.
30:56Oh!
30:57Really?
30:57Yeah.
30:59Four.
30:59You feel it on your legs.
31:00Five.
31:01And we're set.
31:03Oh!
31:03Oh!
31:05What did you do with?
31:06That's what I'm like.
31:08Four.
31:08Five.
31:09Well done.
31:10That wasn't bad.
31:12Do you want to stand up now to the count of five?
31:13No, I have a heart attack.
31:15Most adults in the UK sit down for eight hours or more each day.
31:20And you do a lot more than that.
31:21Of sitting down?
31:22Yeah.
31:23I sit down more than eight hours a day?
31:25Absolutely.
31:26Shay, talk to your dad.
31:29So my list of exercises are keeping the group on their toes.
31:32Am I doing it right?
31:33Yeah.
31:34Oh, I fell.
31:35It's the lowering down slowly that's the easy exercise part.
31:39And it's been no sweat, literally, for Linda.
31:42Oh, Linda, go yourself.
31:44As she's smashing her heel lowering and wall press-ups.
31:48It's slower going towards the fridge door
31:51than it is when I'm coming away from it.
31:54I can see that's quite good, quite easy.
31:56Imagine if you were walking past Linda's house and you saw her doing that.
31:58Yeah.
31:59What are you doing, Linda?
32:00Oh, poor Linda.
32:01She's lusted.
32:04And she has more top tips when it comes to arm lowering.
32:08All I use is two cans of soup.
32:10Oh.
32:11Oh, hang on.
32:11What's Linda doing?
32:12She never stops, Linda.
32:14So it's just a case of arms up and then slowly down.
32:20There you go.
32:21Go on, girl.
32:22You can do that while the kettle's boiling.
32:24Yes, you could.
32:26Before you go and sit down.
32:28This is six kg.
32:35Look at that.
32:38Shoulder press.
32:39I could do that exercise.
32:40That exercise is fun.
32:42I could do that.
32:42You don't need tins of soup.
32:43You just need a sausage dog.
32:44Exactly.
32:48In Yorkshire.
32:49Oh, look what we've got for Easter.
32:51They're real life chickens.
32:53Mum, mum.
32:54Oh, my God.
32:55They're little chickens.
32:56Sarah and her daughter-in-law, Lara.
32:59Oh, my goodness.
33:01Aren't they adorable?
33:01Oh, they are adorable.
33:03Are they going down to Bev?
33:04Yeah, they're going to move in with Bev.
33:06They're going to be proper grown-up chickens.
33:08Oh, we love you.
33:09Bless you, darling.
33:10Hello, Millie and Molly or whatever you're called.
33:13I'm not sure we're allowed to name them yet.
33:15Yeah, I might go put them in their warm-up bed.
33:17Yeah, put them in there.
33:18Put them in the back end.
33:18Thank you, darling, for showing them to us.
33:20They're lovely.
33:21Little babies.
33:22All right.
33:23Bye-bye, chickens.
33:24Happy Easter.
33:27On Friday, there was a regional crime
33:29making the headlines on the BBC.
33:31Well, it's the con...
33:33Fuck's sake.
33:35Why does it always land butter side down?
33:40Fudge will lick it off for you.
33:44Fudge will clean it for you.
33:45It's what dogs are good for.
33:47I have started watching the news
33:50whilst I'm on the treadmill,
33:51cos it's half an hour.
33:53And I feel like it's a good use of time.
33:55It's all about stacking habits.
33:57So I'm working out and burning calories,
33:59but I'm also keeping abreast of current affairs.
34:04You mean depressing yourself?
34:05Well, no, not always, cos sometimes they have, like,
34:07a nice little juicy fun story.
34:08Now, the residents of two villages in East Yorkshire
34:11are scratching their heads over a vintage mystery.
34:14Oh. Oh!
34:15Oh, I heard about this on the radio.
34:18Bags full of empty bottles of New Zealand wine
34:21keep being dumped on grass verges.
34:23Christ, who's dumping, huh?
34:25They must be bloody pissed.
34:27Drinking all that.
34:28At least they're putting them in bags.
34:30Yeah, they're not complete animals.
34:32Leaving people in Hutham and North Cave
34:34wondering who has acquired such a taste for Sauvignon Blanc.
34:38Ooh, somebody's got a bit of a penchant for Sauvignon Blanc.
34:41And fly-tipping.
34:43Yeah.
34:44Well, you can cut me out of the enquiries, cos I'm white Zinfandel.
34:48I would never be savvy bee.
34:50Yeah.
34:51At first sight, the villages of Hutham and North Cave
34:54are typical picturesque East Yorkshire villages.
34:58What's going on in Hutham?
34:59I know, isn't it, yeah?
35:01I mean, what a beautiful place to have all them bottles dumped.
35:03Aunty Jane's just been to Whitby, it wasn't her, was it?
35:06Well, no, it's not Aunty Jane, because she likes Pinot Grigio.
35:10But beneath the surface, there's a crime involving wine.
35:14That's happening repeatedly.
35:16I'll tell you what, my sister lives up there, doesn't she?
35:19She likes a drop of wine, Janet.
35:22Residents say hundreds of empty bottles of Sauvignon Blanc.
35:26Someone's been going hard.
35:27Yeah.
35:28So that one with the blue top, that's a nice debate.
35:30I love your knowledge of mid-range white wine
35:33available from a supermarket near you.
35:36Particularly Villa Maria, said to pair nicely with
35:39seafood and tangy goat's cheese.
35:41Alois loves a Villa Maria Sauvignon Blanc.
35:43It's Alois' favourite.
35:45Oh, wonder if it's Alois?
35:46Well, we've found where you can buy Villa Maria from.
35:49This is Tesco, the nearest major supermarket from Hutham,
35:52five and a half miles away.
35:53And this is £10.75 a bottle.
35:56£10.75.
35:56Well, it won't be you then.
35:59That's one thing.
36:00I'll count you out.
36:02Villagers have told us when they catch the culprit,
36:04they'll have a drink to celebrate.
36:06But it won't be white wine.
36:07I bet everybody's looking at each other in the village now.
36:11He likes a drink.
36:12Yeah.
36:13And she do.
36:13All I would do is if somebody's drunk 48 bottles of wine,
36:16who's got a really red face and nose in the local area?
36:21That should give it away.
36:30In South East London...
36:32Can I tell you the story?
36:34There I was out there cleaning the drive up the other day.
36:37Yeah.
36:38And the lady from across the road,
36:40oh, she said, I've got some printing here for you.
36:43Sue and her husband, Steve.
36:45I said, for me?
36:47She said, yeah.
36:49Was you trying to print this off?
36:51You know the report for the eyes?
36:53When you went to Cataract?
36:54Yeah.
36:55I went, yeah.
36:56What, it went over the road to their house?
36:58Printed over there.
37:00It saves on paper and ink, doesn't it?
37:04Hey!
37:05So it's gone to the house.
37:07It's gone over the road.
37:08How the hell have I managed that?
37:11This week, top-tier comics were still trying not to chuckle
37:15on Prime Video.
37:19Why are you laughing like that?
37:22Because it's the last one laughing, Mary.
37:24That's just getting it out of my system.
37:29Who will be the last one to laugh?
37:32Probably Amazon.
37:33Because ultimately they're making money out of this.
37:36In the final, it was Sam Campbell and David Mitchell going head-to-head.
37:41Yeah.
37:41I think we've done, we've acquitted ourselves well.
37:44It's the two driest people that are left.
37:48They're going to have a dry-off.
37:49And Jimmy had a trick up his sleeve.
37:52OK, we've got to find a winner.
37:55Oh, how lovely.
37:56It's the trolley.
37:58Why is he taking afternoon tea in?
38:01Hi, guys.
38:02Congratulations on making it this far.
38:04Yes.
38:04Please take a seat.
38:05I'm immediately looking at the squirty cream.
38:08Yeah.
38:08Oh, yeah.
38:09As a special treat, I've got some delicious food for you.
38:12You can eat as much as you like, but there is a catch.
38:15You have to feed each other.
38:16No.
38:17Oh, for goodness sake.
38:19Oh, my God.
38:21They've got to feed each other.
38:22How are they going to keep a straight face doing that?
38:25Do you like some squirty cream?
38:26Yeah.
38:27Me and David are on the same page.
38:37I will be gone already.
38:39Yeah.
38:40I will be gone.
38:41I'll have a squirt.
38:42Oh, will you ever?
38:44Mmm.
38:46Ah!
38:47Ha-ha-ha-ha!
38:49I'm always looking at him real seductive.
38:52Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
38:53Nat could seduce me with a can of squirty cream like that.
38:56Oh, you'd be putty in his hands, wouldn't you?
38:58Oh, Lord.
38:58Don't make it sexual.
38:59No, no, no.
38:59Whatever you do.
39:01Oh, David.
39:02Oh, God.
39:04Gee.
39:05I'd be hopeless.
39:05I would have been a crack for you, you know.
39:07Ever seen a little flick, Lady and the Trap?
39:10Oh!
39:11I think you'd have to take control of one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. No, don't do Lady and the Tramp.
39:16You'll ruin it clears for everyone
39:23Don't back off
39:32How they're still not laughing I don't get it banana you think so yeah, okay
39:38No, not a banana. Oh, this is gonna be sexual. Oh, no eat it
39:54Is it banana-y?
39:58How are they doing that with a straight face? It's really good. Maybe the potassium
40:06Great
40:08Okay, we're gonna count down you have ten seconds remaining. Nobody's gonna laugh here now ten seconds remaining
40:14Put out all the stops David seven
40:20Just tickle them tickle them right just launch all the food each other food for high three
40:36Oh
40:38Wow fair play
40:40Both of them didn't crack nobody but he even smirked you've both played an incredible game
40:48One of you will be declared the winner of last one laughing. Who's it gonna be the person that calls
40:54the most laughs today?
40:57Is is David Sam Sam even made Bob Martin a laugh and he won it last time
41:03David Mitchell
41:04Oh, he's won only
41:06Yeah, David was always gonna be really hard to beat though. You don't laugh at me a lot
41:10No, I don't have to laugh at you Lee. I don't laugh at ya sometimes
41:16Are you laughing at me or with me? I'm laughing with ya. You're a liar
41:25In Wiltshire I've had the whole packet of cheese scones
41:29Why? Well, I had you know these pregnancy style cravings that women have yeah
41:35I had a pregnancy style craving for cheese scones
41:38Giles and his wife Mary. Well, I'm going to have to punish you. I've put on half a stone
41:44Yeah, I'm not surprised. I'm going to have to get some sort of thing like a taser and taser you
41:50Taser
41:53For domestic use you'll be taser at the next time you go to that
41:59On Tuesday, there are more sandy celebs getting surprised on Paramount Plus
42:05I never actually really asked about your past dating life
42:08You don't wanna know let's start now
42:10Yeah, let's go away. We haven't got enough time. We've got to watch this now
42:14The celebs have landed in paradise. That's my favorite place Mary. Yeah, Tenerife
42:23Was that Jedward he's called Edwin or something from a boy band is he
42:29Uh
42:30Jesus what's going on? I'm Irish. There's only so much sun I can take. It is Jedward. Oh my god
42:35It's coming back to me who he is not he he's called Cedric or something
42:42I
42:42I have not watched this in years
42:44I think watching this is gonna validate the whole reason why I don't normally watch this anyway
42:51I'm only shooting in because Jed was on it. I can't believe it
42:56I'm Helen
42:58I'm Helen
42:58Helen Flallygood
42:59Rosa
42:59Rosa
43:00I'm John
43:02Oh John
43:04Oh John
43:06I
43:07Am an international pop star and whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there international
43:12I think the alley
43:14What?
43:15With my twin brother Edward from Jedward
43:17Jedward
43:17Jedward
43:18Didn't I say Cedric Mary? I was almost I said Cedric or Edwin
43:24Ah
43:24I'm feeling Jeffic and Jexy
43:26Well I have always found him a little bit genoying
43:30To be honest
43:31But
43:31Yeah
43:32Let's see how he fares on this
43:34Yeah
43:35Jaluded
43:35I think you see
43:38Hello girls
43:39God what are the girls gonna say about this bunch
43:42Look who it is
43:43How does he do that? He looks old and young at the same time
43:46What is going on right now?
43:47I think I've slid in your DMs and give us your love
43:49Oh I've slid in your DMs
43:51Oh
43:51I want Jedward to slide into my DMs
43:54You're too old
43:55Look at this
43:58We got the song, we got the breeze
44:00We got Helen Flanagan in her leopard print
44:03Oh he likes Helen doesn't he?
44:05Oh he likes Helen
44:07It's date night
44:09It's date night
44:10Oh it's date night
44:12How lovely
44:12Who's going with who now? Who's going with who?
44:14Girls
44:15You are in control
44:17Oh no
44:18It's up to you to decide which boy you want to date
44:23I hope this isn't like you know when you're getting picked for sport for PE
44:28I'm really torn between Toby and John
44:31Oh good she did say John
44:33Oh she did say John
44:34He's got a chance come on
44:35She was with that footballer wasn't she
44:37Yeah
44:38And then she's gone for David Hay
44:39So natural progression you would go for a member of Jedward
44:43Yeah
44:43Toby I feel like I get on with him personality wise
44:46Also with John as well because he's really funny and he's quirky
44:50Oh he's too quirky for me
44:51The Irish do tend to be good fun
44:53Giles have you noticed?
44:56Yes
44:57They've got picky bits on the table
44:58Picky bits
44:59Oh yeah
44:59I love a little picky bit one you know
45:01Yeah
45:02Picky bits on the table
45:04That's our generation
45:05It's awful
45:06Awful
45:07Remember lads open body language
45:08Not too open
45:09Straight open how you doing
45:10Not too open
45:11That's a bit much
45:12It's all in the kids
45:13Baby
45:14Please pick John Helen
45:16Hey John
45:16Who's Liz?
45:17Just going for Jedwin Natty
45:19That is like Leicester winning the Premier League
45:22That is the analogy I would give
45:24Shall I have a drink darling?
45:25Yeah wish I could feed you a raspberry
45:26Because that's really nice
45:27Are you going to feed me now?
45:28Yeah there you go
45:30Chew on it
45:33Chew on it
45:33Chew on it
45:34Chew on it
45:35Eat that raspberry now and contain yourself
45:37Close your eyes and swallow
45:39I think she just finds him funny see
45:42You know what I mean?
45:43Where are you?
45:44His personality
45:45I feel like my biggest achievement are definitely my children
45:47Like I'm obsessed with my kids
45:49I can't see John stepping into the stepdad role I'm sorry
45:54John would be great with her kids
45:57I'd be like free child entertainment
45:59It'd be like taking him to a holiday camp if he were in your front room
46:01Exactly
46:02I'd love one more
46:03I'd love to have one more
46:05Shall we go up to the bedroom?
46:06Blinky neck
46:09Look at your face
46:13You might be able to laugh her into bed
46:14You never know do you?
46:16If you and I went to a beach and all of your exes were there
46:18There'd be no sun beds left
46:19There would be no room on the beach
46:21Literally
46:21The lifeguard would have closed the beach
46:23Yeah
46:24Literally be rammed
46:25There's nothing to be proud of
46:27Oh no, I'm sorry
46:33You can stream Married at First Sight now
46:36Ahead of a new episode
46:38Easter Monday at half 7 on E4
46:40But for anybody who doesn't fancy going from nought to married
46:44And has completed all the apps
46:46Well, get yourself a thread
46:47First Dates returns next Friday night
46:50We'll pick you up at 10
46:51The perfect, perfect world
46:56Perfect world
46:57Perfect world
46:57Perfect world
46:58You
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