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Mock the Week S22E09
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00:05Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
00:10Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week.
00:13Our return has been literally all anyone has been talking about so far in 2026.
00:17So sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments as well as some of his new material.
00:22I ****ed that up, didn't I?
00:23Ah!
00:30Wow.
00:32Oh, ho, ho, ho.
00:37Read about the things that have the future of the world
00:43Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:49Read all about it, read all about it
00:54Listen to the world, listen to the world
00:57Read all about it, read all about it
01:02Listen to the world, listen to the world
01:07Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
01:12Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week.
01:15Our return has literally been all anyone's been talking about in 2026.
01:19So sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments as well as some new material and some outtakes.
01:24We'll be back with series two in the autumn.
01:26See you then.
01:28The people who've just arrived, you are sat next to my mum and dad.
01:33So if you could not openly slag me off during the recording.
01:37It really helped me quite a lot. Hi guys!
01:41Were you talking to your mum and dad then?
01:43Yeah!
01:45We start now with a round call if this is the answer, what is the question?
01:48On the board are six categories.
01:50Russell, which category would you like?
01:52World News please, Dara.
01:54OK, the topic is World News, the answer is 700 billion.
01:58What is the question?
01:59Is it how many careers has Brooklyn Beckham tried?
02:05Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do this?
02:11It's how much Dara asked for from TLC for settling on £50 a week and a chance to meet the
02:17cast of Milf Manor.
02:26Is it how much would you have to pay me to watch my parents make love?
02:31But there is a number.
02:34So now we can negotiate.
02:37Can I just say, given the context, I'm so glad our hair didn't do that joke.
02:44Is it what do our ratings have to be before someone at the BBC admits they made a mistake?
02:55Is it how many times have I forgotten to finish the do you have ADHD test?
03:02Is it how many messages have there been in the female comedian's WhatsApp group since the David Walliam stuff came
03:07out?
03:09Is it how far down the channel list is TLC?
03:18We salute you, those of you who set off an hour ago.
03:21No, no, no.
03:24Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?
03:29Is it according to HMRC how much money is just too difficult to tact?
03:36Yeah.
03:39No, that wasn't. That wasn't.
03:41I thought it was very satirical.
03:44Wow, that's relatable context.
03:48None of those are the correct answer.
03:49Can somebody give me the correct answer?
03:51If this is the first episode of Mock the Week on TLC, what episode is it on Dave?
03:59Does anybody have the correct answer?
04:00Is it how much would Greenland actually cost the USA were they to buy it?
04:05Thank you very much, Hugh.
04:12It's the chair.
04:13It's just the chair.
04:14It's the chair.
04:14Total force of having their hats there.
04:17Before we go on to this, can we just say, look, generally, hello.
04:20It's lovely to be back.
04:21I hope you're well.
04:23And it's a delight to be here.
04:24Thank you very much for coming in, joining us here at the end.
04:28APPLAUSE
04:31Oh, that was it.
04:32That was the whole welcome back thing.
04:33OK, I can do more welcome back if you want.
04:34No, no, no.
04:35I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad for the viewers,
04:37because when they brought back Gladiators,
04:38they had fit, young, sexy, new ones.
04:41They didn't bring out the old ones again.
04:48They were like, oh, who's on Mock the Week?
04:49I was just saying...
04:50Oh, guys!
04:53OK, here we go.
04:54The first subject is unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
04:58Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
05:02Sundays, 9 o'clock on TLC.
05:08Why must we take it and drop it into the fires of Mount Doom?
05:12Because you took more than two seconds to answer the door,
05:14and that's our policy here at DPD.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:20Simba,
05:22I have brought you a sandwich.
05:25Tuna, tomato.
05:34I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
05:36asking him to notice that my hair is a completely different
05:39f***ing colour today.
05:43We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
05:45We need you to befriend a nonce.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:53Finally, we meet, Bond.
05:55I just need to finish my interpretive dance,
05:57and I'll be back with you.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:05If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
06:09The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:16The next round is called audience question time.
06:20We throw those open to the studio audience and invite them to ask us
06:23questions on any topic.
06:24Is there an Ed here?
06:26There's Ed there, absolutely, in that row there.
06:28Would you have a question for us?
06:30No.
06:30Yeah, now.
06:32If you want Ed, I can give you more of a build-up to it.
06:35On the count of three, Ed.
06:37Three, two, one.
06:39Dara, do you think you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:42Oh, do I?
06:44Do you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:46Who's 50 and bald?
06:48I mean, like, the Mitchell brothers?
06:51The one thing I'm not short of is look-alikes.
06:53No-one else trades on look-alikes the same way that I do.
06:55No, the Minions guy.
06:56The Minions guy, yeah.
06:58Megaboss guy.
07:01I've got a celebrity look-alike, but, like, obviously,
07:04I appreciate that, like, I can say it.
07:07If you said it would be weird.
07:09But I can say...
07:10Idris Elba.
07:14You're right.
07:15It would be...
07:17I wouldn't like to come across as racist by denying that.
07:22I don't get many celebrity look-alikes,
07:23but I did get someone on Twitter once told me I look like
07:26Ron Weasley's mum after a couple of bad divorces.
07:31It has been said that I look like a cross between Gerard Depardieu
07:35and Orinoco the Womble.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:39What about the time you were mistaken for Al Murray?
07:42Oh, that's the best!
07:43A man...
07:44A man would be genuinely, cos Al Murray lives not far from me,
07:46and I was walking along the street and a man walked and said,
07:48Hello, Al Murray.
07:50And I said, I'm not Al Murray.
07:52And he went, Oh, sorry.
07:54Hello, Poblando.
07:56LAUGHTER
08:00The next round is called Between the Lines.
08:03If it is Hugh and Rhys, would you make your way to the press pit, please?
08:06Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage,
08:09while Hugh will translate what it really means.
08:11This week, Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:17Are you f***ing kidding me?
08:20You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Hello, it's me, Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:34What happened?
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37I am currently facing some personal challenges.
08:42And that is putting it f***ing mildly.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45Things are starting to get serious for me.
08:48I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52I realise now, I should have kept better company.
08:55Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done.
09:06LAUGHTER
09:10LAUGHTER
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
09:17I spent my time on all fours, panting a lot.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22It's been incredibly exhausting, moving house.
09:25You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:36If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
09:39I will give you £12 million to shut the f*** up.
09:44These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
09:47Some of them are over 17 years old.
09:50LAUGHTER
10:03Thank you very much, Rhys and you!
10:06APPLAUSE
10:08It's Operation Epic Fury.
10:11Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
10:12So American, isn't it?
10:13Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone
10:19from the Epstein files for a bit.
10:21APPLAUSE
10:22Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
10:25You think it was good calling it Operation Epic Fury
10:28when Operation Muller Cornered was right there?
10:31LAUGHTER
10:35It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:40I will say that that, and while that's maybe not the most important thing
10:44in some ways, it is quite the most striking thing that he's the first person
10:46to ever host a World Cup and bomb one of the participants in the building.
10:52There are a lot of clever people out there.
10:54I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein?
10:55He had a degree in Chemistry and combined Inhumanities.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:02Where is the...
11:03This is the...
11:05I just...
11:07I love that you just move on.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10You never dignify Milton with a response, you just turn away.
11:15I think the timing of it is, it gives it its time and then we move on.
11:19That's absolutely what we should do.
11:20This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
11:23Where is this top-secret, secure room?
11:26Is it at a wedding venue?
11:27It looks like they've been cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
11:29It's very much at a wedding venue.
11:31It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel in front of you
11:33at the beach.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37What's happening?
11:38Are they saying, please stop talking about the war?
11:40Yeah, sort of.
11:42Can I remind you that you asked us?
11:45Moving on.
11:46What have shoplifters in the UK been targeting?
11:48Chocolate bars.
11:49Yes, chocolate bars.
11:50Apparently there was one man was found with a coat full,
11:55stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
11:57And, reader, I married him.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01Yeah, chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
12:03There are lots of high-value chocolates out there.
12:06Freddo's a 45p now.
12:08Fuck off!
12:08Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
12:1145p for a Freddo.
12:12I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
12:14Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
12:17Yay!
12:19APPLAUSE
12:24I can't believe you...
12:25You can edit that out of your mouth.
12:27I can't believe you didn't believe in that one,
12:29which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32I did read the story about the guy who was caught
12:35with a coat full of cream eggs,
12:37and all I could think is, obviously, I don't condone violence,
12:40but imagine if they'd shot him.
12:45Oh!
12:46Oh!
12:47It's white and yellow!
12:48White and yellow!
12:50This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:57Like in a movie going,
12:58you made me cum my own cum!
13:01LAUGHTER
13:02Oh, my God!
13:04I'm washing my hands,
13:05and I'm washing my hands,
13:06but the fondant won't cum off!
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Is that better?
13:11Is that more what they want?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14LAUGHTER
13:14We can go back to...
13:15Your choices,
13:16insensitivity about the wall,
13:17or cum jokes about cream eggs.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21We only have two tones here.
13:24Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
13:26Whenever you're at the self-checkout,
13:27it says,
13:28have you swiped your nectar card?
13:29It's like, no,
13:29I signed up for it fair and square.
13:31What are you talking about?
13:32They said that they're being stolen to order,
13:35right?
13:35And I just think, well,
13:37surely everything's stolen because someone wants it?
13:40Yeah.
13:40Who's going,
13:41that looks shit, I'll have it.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44TLC.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:51Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
14:02Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad?
14:06In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:08this is a chance for our performers to compete,
14:10to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
14:11and I decide whose is the worst.
14:13Anyone care to start us off?
14:15A few months ago,
14:16me and my wife found what is clearly a lady's watch in our house
14:21and neither of us has any idea who owns it.
14:25And we have phoned people,
14:26we've asked everybody,
14:29the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter,
14:31cannot figure out who owns this watch.
14:34And my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:45I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear
14:48and her first thought would be,
14:49have you started wearing ladies' underwear?
14:51LAUGHTER
14:52Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.
14:56The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear
14:59and used condoms to wear that house.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:02Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless the house.
15:06The weird lady ghost.
15:08You think that's bad?
15:09I just bought an island for what I thought was an absolutely
15:11bargain price until I found out I used to own it.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:16If you think that's bad,
15:17I once got cast to play a sex worker in a movie
15:19and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:23I did it.
15:25I grew up in the north-east of England
15:27and I once heard someone call into a talk radio
15:29show and start their comment with,
15:31I am racist, but...
15:36If you think that's bad,
15:37I had a C-section at a teaching hospital
15:39and, if you don't know,
15:40when you have a C-section, you're awake,
15:41so I heard everything.
15:43And at one point, I heard the senior doctor say
15:45to the junior doctor,
15:46hmm, now what I would have done differently there.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51If you think that's bad,
15:52when I had my baby afterwards,
15:54I heard the doctor say,
15:55where does that bit go?
15:57LAUGHTER
16:01Just...
16:01They're just fucking with you!
16:02Er...
16:03Actually,
16:04and when I had another baby,
16:06I heard them say...
16:07I had a Caesarean afterwards,
16:08they were sewing me up and they went,
16:09time to clean the gutters now.
16:13Look at the gutters!
16:15At least they're clean,
16:16I guess, huh?
16:17I think that's bad.
16:21Erm...
16:24Tell us, Ed!
16:25Tell us!
16:27It's like, raise the bar from that!
16:28LAUGHTER
16:30Now, erm...
16:31We've actually got a French exchange student
16:33in our house at the moment,
16:34and I've not met him.
16:36Because I...
16:37I never got round to getting a criminal background check,
16:40right?
16:41Which is fine,
16:42except that my wife said to me,
16:44in front of a neighbour,
16:45without context,
16:46don't forget the French exchange student
16:48arriving tomorrow.
16:49You're not allowed to be alone with them.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:56Sorry.
16:57So your wife doesn't suspect you're having an affair
16:59with an adult woman?
17:00No.
17:01She is worried about a French teenager.
17:06Our next round is the quick quiz.
17:07I'll ask the panellists a series of quick-fire questions
17:09about someone or something from the news.
17:11This week, to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's
17:13historic visit to the country,
17:15let's see how much you all know about China.
17:17Mm.
17:17OK?
17:18Our first question is,
17:19China owns all the what in the world?
17:23Is it Covid?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27Is it phone chargers that catch fire while you sleep?
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31It is not that, no.
17:32It's a genuine thing.
17:34Is it like the royal family owning swans?
17:36Like, they own all the pandas?
17:37They own all the pandas.
17:38You're absolutely right.
17:39Yeah.
17:40It's all there in black and white.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43Oh, that's lovely.
17:46As a vegan, I don't think you can actually own animals.
17:49And I would not pander to the pandas!
17:55How did one zoo in China attempt to boost visitor numbers?
17:59Oh!
17:59Teaching the pandas to give handjobs.
18:01No.
18:03LAUGHTER
18:04Letting the punters give handjobs to the pandas.
18:07Nothing involving...
18:08Tell me it involved pandas and handjobs.
18:10Not panda wrestling, no.
18:11It involved panjobs.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14For those of us who were too busy to say all the words in the sentence.
18:18Er...
18:18No Cage Fridays?
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22You know what?
18:23The...
18:24Instead, they dyed dogs, black and white, to look like pandas.
18:29Oh, wow!
18:31My thing is, who would be fooled by that?
18:33Which parents would take their children and go,
18:35no, they're pandas?
18:36That's clearly not pandas.
18:38Surely it's game over when they start barking.
18:40I really have the best thing, yeah.
18:42We shouldn't slag this off.
18:43At London Zoo, our meerkats are just rats in trench coats.
18:48Did you know that all the meerkats in the world
18:50are actually owned by insurance companies?
18:54OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
18:56Sticky rice!
18:57No!
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59Yes!
19:00You both...
19:01No, that was a joke!
19:02What?
19:03What?
19:03No, no, it's true!
19:04It's sticky rice!
19:05Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
19:06Shut up!
19:07LAUGHTER
19:10That was the nickname of the guy who meant the horse.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13That was meant...
19:14No, it's genuinely sticky rice.
19:16It was at the time...
19:17Wait, and you two were both guessing?
19:19Yeah!
19:19That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
19:25before women's punchlines start to...
19:28LAUGHTER
19:32APPLAUSE
19:34Andrew Merrin-Batter-Winsor has consistently denied any wrongdoing.
19:38Yeah, he would though, wouldn't he?
19:41LAUGHTER
19:43Yes, for possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy.
19:47A job that I remember us talking about years ago in this show
19:49in a kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now, is he?
19:53Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58To be fair to him, if you look at this picture,
20:00this was obviously a very stressful day and he's not sweating,
20:02so maybe he was telling the truth.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06Everybody's praising this photographer for getting this nap
20:08that nobody else could get.
20:09The first thing you learn how to do with editing software
20:12is red-eye reduction.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:15And they go, I couldn't even manage that.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:19This picture as well, the guard was actually saying
20:22that there was a problem with the button trying to let them out.
20:25Yeah.
20:25That's why they were stuck there for so long.
20:27And I think, what a lie.
20:28He just sat there going, no, I am pressing it.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:30Did you get the picture here?
20:32No, I'm pressing it.
20:34Oh!
20:36It's over here.
20:37It's one of these.
20:38Ah!
20:38Oh!
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41I can't believe you've got real buttons.
20:43I am already.
20:44We just have to mine buttons.
20:46Oh, no, no.
20:46No, I genuinely can at any time.
20:48I can do it...
20:48I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
20:50I can do it at any time.
20:51Wow!
20:53But I choose not to and that's real power.
20:56That's great.
20:57That's...
20:58To be fair with this photo,
20:59there aren't many of us to get to see what we'd look like
21:01in an open casket, do we?
21:04LAUGHTER
21:07Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it, that they arrived?
21:10And, like, they're saying that, like, oh, he could have been in bed
21:13and I can't not imagine him in bed with the police at the foot
21:16of his bed and him just thinking, one of these is Michael McIntyre.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:22All of it...
21:23All of it's very circumstantial because they don't actually know.
21:26They say that he could have been in bed,
21:28he could have been having breakfast, but all of it sounds really creepy.
21:33He could have been eating an egg and I'm like, urgh!
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it?
21:40Because, you know, what they say about the Duke of York,
21:42you know, when he was up, he was up.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:46When he's down.
21:47I mean, what also was notable about the timing of the arrest...
21:50Oh, his birthday.
21:50..he turned 66 that day.
21:52Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth
21:55and he said it, they were like,
21:56that's today, oh, happy birthday!
21:58LAUGHTER
22:02That's what you want on your birthday, that the whole day is about you.
22:04And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.
22:08Everyone's talking about you today, congratulations!
22:10I think it's quite sweet.
22:11Apparently, when they knocked down the door, they went,
22:13haaaah, have you got anything to say in your defence?
22:16LAUGHTER
22:18I'm just waiting for this to come out on 24 Hours in Police Custody.
22:21That's what I'm watching.
22:23It's going to be the best episode ever.
22:25That's going to be the greatest episode ever.
22:25Because he will do it, because he'll think, oh,
22:27a way for me to get my side of the story.
22:30LAUGHTER
22:32Oh, we've got to cry for one more. Where's Emily?
22:34Hey. Hi.
22:35Hey, how are you?
22:35I'm all right, how are you?
22:36I'm good, where you come from, Emily?
22:38Er, Leeds.
22:38From Leeds, thank you very much.
22:39I was actually meant to be seeing QI tonight,
22:41but my ticket got cancelled, so...
22:43LAUGHTER
22:46Well, let's give you some boring facts, then, about the whale.
22:52Ah, the largest type of whale.
22:55Er...
22:56So, you've got this.
22:57Er, Emily, do you have a question?
22:58Er, yeah, I'm wondering if you've got any travel tips?
23:00Er, based on what you said about QI, fuck off back to Leeds.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:08Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
23:11It is West Street. It is West Streeting, yes.
23:12Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of...
23:15You do that thing where you behave like
23:17you've already got the job that you want
23:19and hope people don't notice.
23:21But, at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah Rees.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:25People started clapping, that's how good you were!
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29Then press the buzzer, I dare you...
23:31LAUGHTER
23:33Oh, ho, ho!
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36Oh, hello.
23:37I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's gun.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:43Our next round is called...
23:45Oh, sorry, shit, it was points, wasn't it?
23:46Fuck...
23:47Fucked it, didn't I?
23:48Fucked it!
23:49Fucked it!
23:49You can have the job.
23:51LAUGHTER
23:53Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
24:00APPLAUSE
24:03Our next round is connections.
24:07I show the panel pictures of two well-known figures
24:09and ask them to tell me how they might be connected.
24:11So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
24:17Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
24:21LAUGHTER
24:22It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29That'll be fine now.
24:31House's fault, thank you very much.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33Is it that everyone thought in the reboot
24:36they'd both be played by a woman?
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40Out of my cold, dead hands.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44Is it sex addiction?
24:47LAUGHTER
24:54Kill him.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:56He's got Bond girls.
24:58Have you got O'Brien girls?
25:00O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
25:03The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
25:07Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble,
25:09they've been tipping the cows again out there.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:12O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing,
25:14sort of, 40 years ago.
25:15Oh, no!
25:16No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
25:19The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:22Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
25:32Is it that you've both had characters based on you
25:34in the Austin Powers films?
25:37LAUGHTER
25:37Oh!
25:38Oh!
25:40Oh!
25:42Is it...
25:43Don't even finish that, don't even extend that to you.
25:45Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance on...
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48I mean, you've got the licence to kill Sean's career.
25:52Been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
25:56That...
25:56You're welcome.
25:57That's the nicest of all of them.
25:59Eh...
25:59Both just really attractive, charismatic people
26:02I have a lot of respect for.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:07Both of you think you're the main guy,
26:08but it's all the teams around you that make it good.
26:11LAUGHTER
26:12Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
26:15have actually been played by Irish people?
26:18Ooh.
26:18OK, well, I'm played by...
26:21LAUGHTER
26:22This is not a persona I have that I've got.
26:25He's really Irish.
26:26Yeah.
26:27And I...
26:27The show goes, oh...
26:28The thing that...
26:29Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
26:31Eh...
26:31Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
26:34Eh...
26:34I am.
26:35Although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
26:40Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
26:44Eh...
26:44It's...
26:45For some reason I'm giving...
26:46I'm trying to give a smoldering look,
26:47and yet my child's going,
26:49Ferdoygen!
26:50Eh...
26:50His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
26:53and yours would have been hosting, like,
26:54mortgage provider reviews.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:57That would be...
26:59No, it's not that.
27:00It's just space.
27:01You both won't shut up about it.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:03That would be an exciting fact.
27:05N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n.
27:06Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
27:09It's not...
27:09It's very close.
27:10It's not a moon, no.
27:11A constellation.
27:12Constellation would be amazing if they have a constellation.
27:15Fine, then, a fucking alien.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:19We both have an asteroid named after us.
27:21Aww.
27:22So we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien.
27:24Oh, yeah, and if it gets bumped out of its path,
27:26it will destroy all life on Earth.
27:28You're not proud of that, are you?
27:29For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:32Now, why do you have this?
27:34Yeah.
27:34How do you get this?
27:34Why did they name it after you?
27:36Are you a similar size?
27:37No!
27:38LAUGHTER
27:39Asteroids aren't all laughing.
27:41They're bigger than me.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:46We'll be fighting over the news, like, seagulls over chips.
27:48Join us as we tear into the news.
27:50That's the news twice, isn't it?
27:51Yeah.
27:52Or you could do an impression of a seagull to end it.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56Come on.
27:57It'll be all right.
28:00Here's my seagull.
28:01Can I quickly...
28:01It's very, very quick.
28:02So, I was in Portugal, I saw an English couple eating chips,
28:05and this seagull tried to take one of their chips,
28:08and this bloke did the most English thing ever.
28:10He turned to the seagull and went,
28:11Oi!
28:12What have I told you?
28:14LAUGHTER
28:14His wife went, Tony, you moron, he won't understand,
28:16he's Portuguese.
28:19The bird was standing there like that.
28:22Wow!
28:23Wow!
28:26Where is Jack?
28:27Where is Jack?
28:28Hey, Jack, how are you? How's yourself?
28:29Where are you from, Jack?
28:30Er, Kerry, in Ireland.
28:32Thank you for...
28:33CHEERING
28:34Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38I know you are.
28:39I know you are.
28:39She was horrifying by the rest of them.
28:41Yeah, he was explaining everything else,
28:42but obviously, I'm going to go,
28:43oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
28:45The good people in TLC.
28:46Jack getting a sly dig in there.
28:48Kerry, in Ireland, do you remember it?
28:50LAUGHTER
28:52Thank you very much.
28:53Er, what's your question, by the way?
28:55Er, I want to know,
28:56what is your best hack for living healthy?
28:58All right, you coming to me for that?
29:00Yeah, yeah.
29:01It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
29:04Er...
29:05LAUGHTER
29:05I go, hands so weak, you struggle to open packets of crisps.
29:12Sometimes I'll just be like, oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:16I find opening packets harder and harder.
29:20I don't know if I'm getting old or packets are getting stronger.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:25They've run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use,
29:28make it stronger now, make it...
29:29I know, is it just me?
29:31Does nobody else find themselves carrying...
29:33Why are you doing this?
29:36It didn't look like that.
29:38It didn't look like that.
29:39It looked like you needed somebody to help you
29:40and you're willing to do anything to get them to do it for it.
29:44Please!
29:44Please open the back for it!
29:47LAUGHTER
29:47Because by the hand it weak, my tongue is strong.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:51Is this what you wanted Jack?
29:55Oh, please, strong French teenager, please!
30:02LAUGHTER
30:03LAUGHTER
30:03LAUGHTER
30:03On Sunday we were going to watch this, we won't now!
30:07That's really awkward, your first time...
30:09Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude!
30:12LAUGHTER
30:12We were going to watch this, Jean-Claude,
30:14this is what I do professionally!
30:15Argh!
30:17LAUGHTER
30:18LAUGHTER
30:20LAUGHTER
30:20OK.
30:21Meanwhile, how did a julty...
30:22Teef?
30:23Is fucking Ireland slipping through?
30:25Er...
30:26How did a julty in Turkey make us...
30:29LAUGHTER
30:29In other news now,
30:32big announcement as the Supreme Leader of North Korea...
30:36Do you know about his daughter?
30:39I'm being haunted by the Obrean girls.
30:41She is!
30:43I can just see the faces, you know?
30:46I go to sleep, I can just see the faces of the Obrean girls,
30:49coming down on me, like, why did you do it?
30:50Why did you do it, like?
30:52I am available for acting work in the many Sky series
30:54based in Ireland, but I don't know.
30:56If you think that's bad, last week my wife and I watched
30:59all the episodes of Game of Thrones back-to-back.
31:03Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the stream.
31:06LAUGHTER
31:09APPLAUSE
31:11My kids used to go to a school in Portsmouth,
31:14where most of the dads were in the Navy,
31:16and I had this chat once with this guy,
31:19just like a parent's evening, and I said, what do you do?
31:21He said, er...
31:23I fly helicopters and I drive warships.
31:26And he said, what do you do?
31:27And I literally went, doesn't matter.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:32Of course, we should say for the record,
31:34Manson doesn't remember receiving those payments.
31:37Oh, Ben, he doesn't remember receiving...
31:40Yeah, he fucking doesn't, so shut up, mate!
31:41Shut up!
31:43He's a good man chased at the end of the earth
31:45by an angry and jealous media.
31:48How dare... Honestly, sometimes, Peter,
31:49I think what you get to this country...
31:50LAUGHTER
31:53I found out I was old last year.
31:56That really annoyed me, if you want something
31:57that really annoys me.
31:58Yeah, go on.
31:59I was in Amsterdam with my friends from university
32:01and there was a drug dealer ahead of us
32:03and he was going, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine,
32:05and he pointed at me and my friends and went, Viagra.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:10I told my brother about this and he's like, did you take it?
32:12I was like, no, we were on our way to Anne Frank's house.
32:15LAUGHTER
32:18Well, no surprise in the...
32:20Oh, fuck it.
32:21LAUGHTER
32:23I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys.
32:26I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs,
32:28I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:33I've had so many kids.
32:35APPLAUSE
32:36Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes
32:39was a lifelong dream.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:43It's completely what? It's completely...
32:47Oh, I'll say a legend. OK, fine.
32:49Obviously, everything we're saying is, are mere allegations.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:58Obviously, what we're saying, it's all alleged.
33:01LAUGHTER
33:02Maybe none of this happened.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07Is he on ChatBeat G...
33:09Oh, I can't speak.
33:11See, this is what our generation...
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14I understand, yeah.
33:15We call it ChatBeat GB.
33:17LAUGHTER
33:17It's ChatBeat, isn't it?
33:18Because it's straight Britain.
33:19It's ChatBeat, yeah.
33:21ChatBeat, GMTV.
33:22LAUGHTER
33:24If you think that's bad, I once went to the shop
33:27to buy a cauliflower, but I accidentally bought a cabbage,
33:31and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:35LAUGHTER
33:41When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:44LAUGHTER
33:45Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer.
33:47I'll give it one more layer.
33:48It must be in here.
33:50And I really wish I was a good enough comedian
33:51to have made that up.
33:53LAUGHTER
33:55The next topic is...
33:57Unlikely road sign.
33:59Very embarrassing.
34:00Fully going to piss myself if I don't go to the loo right now.
34:01Then run to the loo right now if you really...
34:03LAUGHTER
34:05You've made it vivid, I'll say that back there.
34:07APPLAUSE
34:09Do you know what?
34:10I'm going to...
34:11I'm going to watch him.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:14Anyone want to ask another question?
34:16Anyone want to ask a question?
34:17Oh, there's somebody down there.
34:18Very, very good.
34:18Hi. What's your name?
34:19My name's Charlie.
34:20I'm going to do it again with the microphone there.
34:21Apologies, Charlie.
34:22What's your name?
34:23My name's Charlie.
34:24How are you, Charlie?
34:25Oh, sorry.
34:26The camera's not on you yet.
34:27So for the third time, Charlie, I'm going to ask you again
34:29in a second and I apologise for that.
34:31OK, Grant.
34:32Sorry, who are you?
34:33Charlie.
34:33My name's Charlie.
34:35LAUGHTER
34:36OK.
34:39Done.
34:40We're just going to hear you one more time.
34:41Oh, hi, how are you?
34:42What's your name?
34:42My name's Charlie.
34:43I thought you were trying to run at time.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:48Oh, for fuck's sakes.
34:49Can you all see the word allegedly and then they'll put it,
34:51they can edit it in.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:53Because they're not too much.
34:56Will you be starting with a number?
34:58Allegedly.
35:00Allegedly.
35:03Allegedly.
35:06LAUGHTER
35:07Allegedly.
35:14Allegedly.
35:15I thought you would have wanted.
35:16LAUGHTER
35:18OK.
35:19Now we've got time for one more.
35:20Let's throw it open.
35:21Has anyone else got a question?
35:22Oh, there.
35:23OK, Grant.
35:23Thank you very much.
35:24What's your name?
35:24My name's Charlie.
35:26Charlie, you're really fucked with the show here.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:30It was all going really well and then Charlie came in like
35:33a fucking agent of chaos.
35:38Sarah.
35:39Will you.
35:42Marry.
35:43Fleet Services.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:46That one wasn't me.
35:48LAUGHTER
35:49Why Sarah?
35:51Of all names.
35:53You said you wanted your boyfriend.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57Not you.
36:00Sorry to interrupt.
36:03LAUGHTER
36:10OK.
36:11Guess what we have to do again.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:15In fact, I'll put it this way.
36:17Guess who's fucked it up for the fourth time.
36:20LAUGHTER
36:23OK.
36:24Now we've got time for one more.
36:25Let's throw it open.
36:26Has anyone else got a question?
36:27Not you, Charlie.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:29Sorry.
36:30Sorry.
36:31I couldn't do that too.
36:35Frog's Crossing.
36:36Or as some people call it, the Channel Tunnel.
36:39LAUGHTER
36:42Do you think that's bad?
36:43Do you think that's bad?
36:44I've been married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam for Valentine's Day just to feel something.
36:50LAUGHTER
36:51LAUGHTER
36:55LAUGHTER
36:56LAUGHTER
36:56When did you live?
36:57When did you live?
36:57Become this?
36:59LAUGHTER
36:59The gentle observations about life!
37:01This!
37:02That was a cry for help!
37:04Doctors!
37:05Do you think that's bad?
37:06I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this week.
37:09LAUGHTER
37:11Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
37:17APPLAUSE
37:22Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
37:26Don't know if we can make the way up to the performance area.
37:28APPLAUSE
37:28I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panels can come up with.
37:32OK, here we go.
37:33The first subject is unlikely slogans for British towns and cities.
37:39Glasgow!
37:39Hello!
37:40Fucking hello!
37:42LAUGHTER
37:46Swindon.
37:47City of culture.
37:48Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.
37:50LAUGHTER
37:54Clacton.
37:55Don't worry, he's almost never here.
37:58LAUGHTER
38:00Welcome to London and enjoy that phone while it lasts.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:06Bristol.
38:07You don't have to live on a barge to look like you do.
38:11LAUGHTER
38:13Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls it, London.
38:17LAUGHTER
38:20Why are we called Cockermouth?
38:22Oh, you'll find out.
38:24LAUGHTER
38:26Canvey Island.
38:28In the world's best island rankings, we're still behind Epstein's one.
38:33LAUGHTER
38:35Blackpool, because your nan had to be a slag somewhere.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university?
38:44Discover Peterborough.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:50Want to leave London but not give up your drug habits?
38:53Come to Margate.
38:55LAUGHTER
38:56Come to Yorkshire, where we've got the word the down to a T.
39:01LAUGHTER
39:03APPLAUSE
39:05Bath.
39:06Jane Austen once lived here and we won't let you fucking forget it.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:13Southampton.
39:14The people who left on the Titanic still feel like they made the right choice.
39:18LAUGHTER
39:20APPLAUSE
39:24Visit Portsmouth.
39:25No?
39:26Fair enough.
39:32Hereford.
39:33Also for him-er-ford.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40LAUGHTER
39:41LAUGHTER
39:42That's my barrel, Scrape!
39:44LAUGHTER
39:46Welcome to Eton.
39:48Britain's cunt factory.
39:51APPLAUSE
39:55WET-WANG.
39:55We're a real place.
39:57Genuinely, that's our name, WET-WANG.
39:58The whole reason we called it that is so people would come here and no-one's coming here.
40:01WET-WANG.
40:02What do we need to do?
40:02WET-WANG.
40:04What do we need to do?
40:05WET-WANG.
40:06Muff.
40:07We're a real place.
40:08Like, what do we have to do?
40:09We're actually called Muff.
40:11Muff.
40:12FINGER IN HOPE.
40:13FINGER IN HOPE.
40:13FINGER IN HOPE.
40:14It's a place.
40:15We're in Essex.
40:16We're on the front of buses.
40:17Come on, guys!
40:18What's wrong with you?
40:20They're terrible!
40:25Shitstorms.
40:26It's not a place.
40:31Welcome to Kent.
40:33Oh, thanks.
40:33Not you.
40:36OK, the next topic is...
40:42Chat of lines that won't work.
40:46Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
40:48I come with a little toy.
40:54Can you iron?
41:03Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
41:05I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
41:10If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I.
41:15And then a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.
41:22The room just lit up when you walked in.
41:25I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
41:35I don't know.
41:35Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:37Because I want to take you back to my place,
41:39and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:48I don't know.
41:48My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:56I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.
42:00That noise, that's Dara Breen crying because the stars are in the wrong place.
42:05LAUGHTER
42:09Wow.
42:11God must have taken the day off after making you,
42:13because you seem like a lot of work.
42:16LAUGHTER
42:22Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?
42:24Because you're the only 10 I see.
42:25No?
42:26Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?
42:28Because you've made my Pennsylvania.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:31LAUGHTER
42:37Forgive me, forgive me.
42:39Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:43Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:46I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:47What do you think of just Andrew?
42:53Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:56I... Yeah, I know Risa.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:04I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
43:08I only escaped this morning.
43:10LAUGHTER
43:13Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:16You might be eligible for compensation.
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:24LAUGHTER
43:27Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog?
43:32LAUGHTER
43:34Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:35Because you're the only 10 I see.
43:37No?
43:38Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:39Because you should have this Virginia.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:46Come on, don't be silly.
43:48You pay.
43:52If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:55Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:58LAUGHTER
44:03Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
44:10All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
44:12cos it gets to touch your...
44:13Ah, she's gone.
44:14She's gone.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:17You know, they call me the stallion.
44:19At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:21while Clare Balding commentates.
44:27How many comedians can you squeeze into nine seconds?
44:29Glen Moore, Rhys James, Zoe Lyons, Ed Burns, Sarah Pascoe,
44:32Emmanuel Sanubi and me, Dara Breen.
44:34Easy, done.
44:34Mock the Week, Sunday at 9 on TLC.
44:38LAUGHTER
44:39LAUGHTER
44:48I know I'd watch it.
44:50LAUGHTER
44:58You've been craning osteopathy.
45:00Don't do that.
45:01You've fuzzed it all up now.
45:04The news keeps happening,
45:05so we keep mocking it.
45:07Because pretending it isn't there hasn't worked.
45:10Don't miss Mock the Week with me, Dara O'Brien.
45:13And we can all just go fuck ourselves, apparently.
45:16LAUGHTER
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