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00:25To be continued...
00:39Hello and welcome to brand new Mock the Week.
00:42I'm Dora Breen. Joining me are Milton Jones, Rhys James and Lou Sanders,
00:46Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne and Ahir Shah.
00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week.
00:58I show the panel's topic alone and ask them to tell me what is happening.
01:01So, Tees, what's going on here?
01:04LAUGHTER
01:05Bit late for a getaway car.
01:08Or is that just where he lives now?
01:11It usually drives a younger model, actually.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:17APPLAUSE
01:19That's just a bloke looking at himself in the rearview mirror going,
01:22you handsome devil, you've still got us.
01:24LAUGHTER
01:25No, let's not have LBC on today, let's just listen to some music, actually.
01:30LAUGHTER
01:32It's just coming up to a no-entry sign and thinking,
01:34well, that never stopped me before.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:37Well, he does have the look of a man who's just heard a thud in the boot.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43I think he works for Uber Eats now.
01:46Mostly Pizza Express.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49He's got a new career now, and this is actually a still from his new travel show,
01:53Andrew's Hard Drives.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:55No, no, no, no, this is the TLC Top Gear reboot.
02:00LAUGHTER
02:00Is he running over an old lady so he can get some better news coverage?
02:05LAUGHTER
02:07LAUGHTER
02:07He's just singing to himself,
02:09oh, the grand old Duke of York, he had 10,000 mentions in the Epstein file.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:15Now, he's driving to a Morrison's car park to meet a lovely young lady
02:18he's spoken to online that definitely isn't a 40-year-old man
02:20who's going to film him for Facebook Live.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:23We've all been now.
02:26If I didn't know him better,
02:27I would say that is the haunted look of a man
02:30who knows he's done terrible things and it's all catching up to him.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:34If I didn't know him better.
02:36Yeah, and you do know him pretty well.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:38How was that holiday on that island?
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Anyone who gives the correct answer?
02:44It's Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
02:47It is, yeah.
02:48No longer Prince Andrew.
02:49Yeah.
02:50Oh, and more information?
02:51No, it's all right, I'll do fine.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:54APPLAUSE
02:57Yes, of course, this is the news that further evidence has emerged
03:00of disgraced former Prince Andrew Mountbatten's involvement
03:03with Jeffrey Epstein, increasing pressure on him to testify
03:05before the US Congress.
03:06Yes, there's only Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor,
03:09although apparently the Andrews don't want him to be called Andrew anymore.
03:12There's a big pair of things, Andrew Garfield,
03:14even Andrew Tate is against him.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17To be fair, Dara, this isn't THE picture of the week.
03:20No, this is absolutely very, very true.
03:21This is not THE picture.
03:22We felt that maybe the handling of THE picture
03:24could be something that could be done with a sensitivity
03:26and delicacy that we are not renowned for.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:31We all are picturing THE picture in our head.
03:34The CPR class that he's attending.
03:36The, the, yeah, the first aid course he was on.
03:38The first aid course he's going, and do I press here?
03:41Or, no, no, that picture, yeah, that picture.
03:43Because I'm thinking, you know, he might have to go and testify
03:46in front of Congress.
03:47Yeah.
03:47And I'm not sure how he'll cope with that,
03:49considering he went to pieces with Emily Maitlis.
03:52How he's going to be in a stateroom with a load of Congress...
03:55..he'll just be like, oh, no, I, that can't have been me
03:58in that picture, I can't, Neil, I don't even have knees.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02I had knees, but they were shot away in the Falkland.
04:04Right!
04:06Do you know, I think he'll also do a certain area,
04:07because he'll be like, Congress, that's what got me
04:09into all this trouble.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:12But he needs to get a proper punishment,
04:13cos the last punishment he got for this, basically,
04:15this exact same thing, is they just stripped him of his titles.
04:17Right, so basically all that happened is,
04:18he's got no medals any more, he's got no castle,
04:21and he doesn't get royal security.
04:22So his punishment for being in the Epstein files
04:25is he has to be me.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27I don't have any of that stuff,
04:29and he is reduced to living my life.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:32And that's better than your life.
04:34Have you seen the house he's moving into?
04:36LAUGHTER
04:38LAUGHTER
04:39He's not.
04:39I'm not be thriving, Angela, I'm trying my best over here.
04:41He's not, I'm not moving into this.
04:42What I've said is, that house he's moving into is incredible,
04:45and all his friends are like, oh, we're worried he's hit rock bottom,
04:47it turns out he's rock bottom, he's my glass ceiling.
04:51Yes, it is a thing, and I think, look,
04:53I just think it's a general piece of advice,
04:55that if you are going to be best friends
04:57with, like, a guy who organised sex parties,
05:00try to have one whose other hobby is not photography.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:05This guy was snapping all the...
05:07And, look, this is pre-camera phones,
05:08like, this is, like, Andrew, smile.
05:10And I think it was, like,
05:12dropped over the head, like, I mean,
05:14I've gone, like, years now.
05:15Honestly, this whole thing's made me completely lose trust
05:17in billionaires with private islands.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21You've now got to be looking into anyone who's got an island, right?
05:23Tracey, start there, never trusted those fond of us.
05:25Right, then you're looking at, what, Isle of Man,
05:27who's this man, what's he done?
05:29You know, Love Island, that's obviously run by a pervert.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34I bet you've got one.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:37I don't have one.
05:38I just, for the record, I don't have an island, right?
05:40If you think about it...
05:40I have a number of yachts,
05:41but none of you ever come on holiday in my yacht.
05:43I keep asking to come on holiday in my yacht, like, whatever.
05:45You'll all go on Geoffrey Epstein's yacht,
05:47but you won't go on my yacht.
05:48You can blow up tingy, that's why.
05:52A good way of remembering the islands around Britain
05:54is Barry White, silly man.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01And no-one is saying...
06:02No-one is saying that about the Epstein case.
06:04No-one is saying that.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06He kept using an alias in the emails, right,
06:09but the alias was The Duke.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11And he signed all the emails off A,
06:14and then all the emails...
06:15Bear in mind, he didn't want them to know who it was,
06:17if they ever found this, said things like,
06:19I can't come that weekend,
06:19my mummy's having her diamond jubilee.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23I've never thought I'd find myself feeling sorry
06:26for, like, King Charles and Prince Edward being,
06:29you know, the reflected sort of...
06:31I think it's got to the point now
06:33where they've got to change the name
06:34of their Scottish residence, the royals,
06:36to Balimoral.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:40LAUGHTER
06:40If bloody Milton had said that!
06:43LAUGHTER
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46If the royals could change their residence,
06:48then he'd have to...
06:50..Balimoral.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:54APPLAUSE
06:58Can I just say one thing I do require to say,
07:00which is that, basically, even inclusion in the files themselves
07:03does not imply wrongdoing.
07:05It's very important to say that.
07:06I'm going to repeat that again,
07:07looking you all in the eye, inclusion in the files.
07:09There's a lot more documents still to come out.
07:11Yes.
07:11Inclusion in the files.
07:12Just remember this.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13Inclusion in the files...
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16..it does not imply any wrongdoing.
07:18We all just had a few spam emails in the 90s.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21I did, look, you can go on the Department of Justice website
07:23and you can search names in there, right?
07:25And I searched your name in there.
07:27There's no Dara O'Brien in the files, you'll be pleased to know,
07:29but Dara is mentioned 41 times.
07:32This is just fucking your face.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36Including...
07:37Including the sentence,
07:39Geoffrey thought Dara might like to see this image she took, right?
07:42And, OK, fine, your defence might be,
07:44oh, it's obviously another Dara.
07:45You're not going to believe this, it's genuinely true, look it up.
07:47There are two mentions of Megabus.
07:55It's true, that is true.
07:56The word Dara may well appear quite a lot,
07:59but I wouldn't put it past, like, that just being,
08:00he tried to write dear and spelt it wrong.
08:03Like, have you seen the way...
08:04Yeah, quite poorly written.
08:05They're incredibly...
08:06They're weird, there's like seven spaces in the middle of words
08:09and everything, like, punctuation, like...
08:11Geoffrey Epstein emails, like, my mum?
08:14Like, style, not content.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17Not content.
08:17He does, he's very clear.
08:19He types like he's being chased by a bear.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23Also, I've read, his inbox is so different to mine,
08:26and again, not just content, right?
08:27All of the emails in his inbox are, like, relevant to his life.
08:30He's not getting any emails from, like, places he signed up for Wi-Fi once.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:34At no point does he say, T-Base Services misses you.
08:38I've got Choptastic Christmas from all here at Lindor.
08:41You know, he's just, like, normal emails.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:43You think there's...
08:44When you left the island, you'd immediately get,
08:45like, how was your time in Epstein?
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48Really?
08:49Really?
08:49I mean, I feel, you know, wrong.
08:52Why has Peter Mandelson had a bad week?
08:54Same.
08:55Yeah.
08:55I mean, he did.
08:56Just rerun the last few minutes.
08:57Yeah.
08:58Yeah.
08:59He was in the emails about 6,000 times.
09:02But it doesn't seem entirely mutual.
09:04It just feels like Mandelson was badgering Epstein.
09:07Like, he would not stop emailing him.
09:10All this, I miss you, I love you, where are you, and all that.
09:12Just the amount of stuff he was just throwing at Epstein the whole time.
09:16I'm reading all that, and I think, do you know what,
09:18maybe Epstein did kill himself.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:24Who's asking Epstein?
09:24This is a photograph of Mandelson's thighs,
09:27if you ever wonder what they look like, from this.
09:30From my time in a flat, I believe, in Europe, I think,
09:32that's not on the island, it's in a flat in Europe,
09:34but owned by Jeffrey Epstein.
09:35You see how she's a young woman, look at these kids
09:37with their iPads always glued to their face.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:42LAUGHTER
09:46Peter Mandelson's nickname in politics was the Prince of Darkness,
09:51and Peter Mandelson's nickname has been the Prince of Darkness
09:54for so long that when he was first called the Prince of Darkness,
09:58the scary bit was of darkness.
10:01LAUGHTER
10:03They were like, Prince is lovely.
10:05He was just like, he was giving sensitive information
10:06and state secrets and stuff, wasn't he?
10:08And it's weird, isn't he?
10:08There was a thought that that was good.
10:09That's what's being investigated.
10:10That's like, while he was...
10:11And it's weird, cos sometimes in life we're all faced with, like,
10:14a huge impossible decision of, like, loyalty.
10:16Like, who am I loyal to?
10:18An international billionaire paedophile,
10:20or the government I currently work with.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:24All these things about Peter Mandelson are, of course, allegations.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:30And it's such a betrayal.
10:31People are saying this is, like, the stuff he was revealing
10:33is the biggest betrayal of this country for decades or whatever.
10:35Like, it is.
10:36It's absolutely ridiculous what he gave away.
10:37The only way it could be more of a betrayal for Britain
10:39is if he was caught, like, secretly murdering Paddington
10:44and then skipping the queue to see him lying in wait.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48I like the way that he said,
10:49oh, I'll do the right thing and I'll leave the Labour Party.
10:52As if, like, it's like going out with someone,
10:54setting their house on fire, then going,
10:56I think we should split up, actually.
10:59LAUGHTER
10:59And in other news, what by-election has the nation talking this week?
11:03Gorton and Denton.
11:04It's Gorton and Denton.
11:05Can you, unlike the Green Party, correctly spell Gorton?
11:08Well, listen, if there's one thing I know about Gorton and Denton,
11:12it's that everyone on this panel has today
11:14been on the Wikipedia page for Gorton and Denton.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17The Greens misspelt Gorton in their canvas, yeah?
11:20Worst possible thing that could happen to the Greens,
11:21cos now they've got to print it again.
11:23Yeah.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:29The fear is that reform win,
11:32but what I'm hearing on the doorstep is,
11:34don't open the door, there's a weirdo.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:39And the end of that round, the points for the Lou, Rhys and Milton!
11:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:46Join us again after the break.
11:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:55The next round is called Between the Lines and features Ed and Rhys.
12:00Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
12:02Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage
12:04and Ed will translate what they really mean.
12:06This week, Rhys is Elon Musk.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:10What the fucks?
12:11This week of all weeks.
12:16Greetings.
12:17I've been expecting you, Mr Bond.
12:21I have come here to show you I'm just like everyone else.
12:24And I want to learn about this emotion, love, that you humans talk about.
12:28I am determined to make space travel safe and simple.
12:32It is time for me to return to my home planet.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:36There's no need to worry about the influence my wealth has bought me.
12:40Instead, you should worry about the massive moon laser
12:42that I have pointed at New York City.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:44I am a huge believer in the future of X and AI.
12:48At least, I think that's what my sons are called.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53AI could pose a danger to the future of humanity.
12:56Especially if I have anything to do with it.
12:59LAUGHTER
12:59I am a good businessman.
13:01X is now worth $19 billion.
13:04When I bought it, it was worth $44 billion.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09The future is driverless cars.
13:11In the future, a lot of pedestrians are going to die.
13:17People say I have turned social media into a space full of hate.
13:21And here are their names and addresses.
13:23Get them, pile on!
13:25If my views are so weird, why do so many people want to meet me?
13:29Why do so many women want to date me?
13:31I am worth a trillion dollars.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:34People have said I am rude, easily offended and childish.
13:38Ignore those people.
13:39They are all big, pat, stinky pedos.
13:41Thank you very much.
13:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:49Let's move on now to a game we call Connection.
13:52All to the panel, pictures of two well-known figures
13:54and ask them to work out how they might be connected.
13:57So, what connects Kermit the Frog and Donald Trump?
14:01Ooh, one's an amphibian and the other one's always amphibian.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:07Very nice, very nice.
14:09So, these two are connected?
14:11They're both muppets.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:16I feel like that was a closing joke, but let's do some more.
14:20I feel like I'm quite pale,
14:22so if I stood in between the two of them,
14:25we could make the Irish flag.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:30Is the thing that connects them
14:32that they both have fingers that smell of pork?
14:35LAUGHTER
14:37What's odd is that only one of them has ever said,
14:40quiet piggy.
14:42LAUGHTER
14:43Oh, yeah.
14:45We've very successfully taken a news story
14:46and made it relevant to the question.
14:48I mean, people wonder why it is all just cock jokes,
14:50but that's why.
14:52Is it, er, despite being the right age,
14:55neither of them served in Vietnam?
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59I think we can only really hold that against one of them.
15:01It would be very harsh.
15:02One of them is friends with a count.
15:05LAUGHTER
15:09Is this how we find our Kermit's in the Epstein files?
15:12LAUGHTER
15:14Say it ain't so, Joe.
15:15Say it ain't so.
15:16I'm sure you're touching Kermit the Frog into the search.
15:18I met him once, but we didn't party together,
15:20I just got tax advice.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24The answer is they both released their own fragrances.
15:26Oh. Oh.
15:27Oh. Yeah.
15:28All right.
15:29I thought, genuinely, it was that both of them have a film
15:30about their wife.
15:31No. I thought that was going to be the answer.
15:33No, no, no, that's not the answer.
15:34I thought it was going to be that they both have green balls.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:38No, it's the answer I just said.
15:41Say it again.
15:41They both released their own fragrances.
15:44In 1995, Kermit's Amphibia Eau de Toilette was sold exclusively
15:47in Bloomingdale's apartment stores in the US.
15:49Meanwhile, President Trump has released a number of scents
15:51over the years.
15:52I bet he has.
15:53Yeah.
15:54During meetings.
15:56His label was called Victory 45-47,
15:59which really was the easiest years to fight in the war.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:04And launched in June last year.
16:07Moving on, what's going on here?
16:09That's the size of font he needs to remember his own wife's name.
16:15Well, we think he's standing in front of the word Melania.
16:18For all we know, he could be at Membry Services.
16:20LAUGHTER
16:20I feel like they're standing in front of the best pull quote
16:24they could get for the documentary, which was just, meh.
16:28LAUGHTER
16:29If you zoom out, it says,
16:31and that's the colour that they both have.
16:34Whenever I see, like, a beautiful woman and a haggard man like this,
16:39there's a little game I like to play, which is,
16:41is it a marriage or is it a Sky Sports presenting duo?
16:45LAUGHTER
16:46It does have the transfer deadline day look about it.
16:50I bet Trump saw that sign and thought he was at the Emmys.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:59I mean, it looks like they're just coming out of her documentary
17:01and he's just going, well, that was shit.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05I wanted to go see the John Bishop film.
17:07LAUGHTER
17:08I think they've just come out, the opticians, and he's going,
17:11M, E, I did it perfectly.
17:13Nailed it.
17:15I'm surprised she wanted him to see the film
17:17cos he might find out she's foreign.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:21Yes, this is the US President Donald Trump
17:23and First Lady Melania at the premiere of Melania
17:25in Washington, DC.
17:27You already knew that.
17:30It's exciting to have her in a documentary though
17:31because there are so many types of documentary
17:33you think Melania would not be ideal for.
17:35Like a wildlife documentary which just stands somewhere in the jungle going,
17:38eat, eat, where, eat, where.
17:41Eat, then where?
17:43The amazing thing to me is that it's like, it genuinely is,
17:46there is a great story, Melania's story is amazing,
17:49but it's just a bad film.
17:50Her actual story is that she came from abject poverty
17:53and rose up to the highest possible position a woman could be in America,
17:57the President's wife.
17:58LAUGHTER
18:02Melania actually got into America on an Einstein visa.
18:05Is that real? Is that a thing?
18:06Yeah, genuinely.
18:08Is that what you've got?
18:09That's what he's doing on.
18:10No, no, no, no.
18:10The visa I have to get is just a performance visa.
18:13I have to go into a booth in the American Embassy and essentially do the show
18:16to somebody sitting behind a glass and I'm there going,
18:19lights come up.
18:22Which is a scene.
18:23I walk out and I go, oh, hello.
18:26Act one ends.
18:28Jesus, is there much more of this?
18:29There's two other acts.
18:31The irony is when we go to America, none of us are getting visas after this segment.
18:35Yeah.
18:36Hello to all the guys and gals and Homeland Security.
18:40I enjoyed it.
18:41I enjoyed watching it and I would recommend it.
18:43Because you can go and see it at the moment as a double bill with Marty Supreme.
18:47Right?
18:48And one of those films is fundamentally about a sociopathic New York con man mistreating women
18:54and the other is about ping pong.
18:58At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ayrin Ayer.
19:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:06The next round is called Melania's Disappointing Opening.
19:13This game involves Angela and Milton.
19:15So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
19:17This round is a standard challenge.
19:19I launch the Wheel of News and wherever chooses to stop,
19:21one of our performances must step forward and talk about that subject.
19:23The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
19:25OK, here we go.
19:26Let's spin the wheel.
19:29The first subject is self-image.
19:30Oh, I did this.
19:33Why are you laughing at that?
19:36Are you right though?
19:37My self-image is very different to the real me.
19:41This isn't the woman I thought...
19:42I'm going to be 50 this year.
19:44I'll give you a moment for a gasp of surprise.
19:47Fuck you.
19:48It's not the sort of woman I thought I would be approaching 50.
19:52It's the sort of woman, and there'll be some of you in here,
19:54some of you watching at home.
19:55It's the sort of woman who wakes up in the morning
19:57and with nothing but confidence puts on a white top.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03And by lunchtime she doesn't look like Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard.
20:07You know what?
20:08You've seen a moment.
20:08Skinny women in white tops, they hang out in wine bars together.
20:11Sometimes with white tops and white trousers.
20:14Drinking red wine, the fucking witches.
20:17It's not the woman I am.
20:19Because also I thought that one day I would get common sense.
20:22That's what I thought would happen.
20:23Because I have my entire life been a demonstration in a lack of common sense.
20:28When I was 22, I lost a shoe on the way to work.
20:34I'll say that again.
20:36I lost a shoe on the way to work.
20:39This is what happened.
20:39I was working in London at the time.
20:41I got on a train.
20:41As I stepped on the train, my shoe fell off my foot.
20:43It went under the train.
20:44I turned round to get off the train.
20:47But the doors closed before I could,
20:49so I'm now on the train going to central London
20:51with one shoe on and bright pink socks.
20:55And the entire rush hour carriage saw what happened,
20:58but because we were in London, no-one said a word.
21:01The entire carriage just looked at me and went...
21:06And then I've got a decision to make, haven't I?
21:08What do I do now?
21:09Do I try and get off at the next stop and go back and get my shoe?
21:11I'm going to be late for work.
21:12I've just started a new job,
21:13so I decide I just have to carry on.
21:14And then I've got another decision to make,
21:16which is what looks more mental, one shoe or no shoe?
21:21So I decide no shoe somehow looks slightly less deranged,
21:24so I take the other shoe off, put that in my handbag,
21:27I now go to work with no shoes on,
21:29and I try and style it out all day,
21:31and I might have got away with it
21:32had my job not been homeless outreach support work.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37APPLAUSE
21:38Thank you very much, Angela.
21:41APPLAUSE
21:43OK, the leaders of Milton.
21:45Let's see what your topic is.
21:46I'll spin the wheel.
21:47The topic is...
21:48Travel.
21:50OK.
21:52LAUGHTER
22:00If I understand history correctly,
22:04years ago, everyone in this country whose name was Colin
22:08was rounded up
22:10and transported to places like Canada,
22:13India,
22:14Australia.
22:15Australia.
22:17In an attempt...
22:20LAUGHTER
22:23Some of you seem to be ahead of me.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27In an attempt...
22:29Here we go.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32To colonise the world.
22:35APPLAUSE
22:42Anyone here from up north?
22:44I was up in your part of the world the other day,
22:46up near Cambridge.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:52Recently, I was just to the north of London.
22:54It turns out, like a lot of people these days,
22:56I am, in fact, Luton intolerant.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:05They also really honour the people of Sheffield.
23:08Not only did they make the steel,
23:10they also had to sell it as well,
23:12so in a very real way,
23:14he who smelt it, dealt it.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:21I love travel.
23:23I hopped home the other day.
23:24I found a shoe on a railway line.
23:27LAUGHTER
23:32Thanks, that doesn't normally work.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:42I remember years ago,
23:43I had a friend who wasn't very well.
23:46He went off the rails.
23:47I said to him,
23:47Thomas?
23:49LAUGHTER
23:52Don't do that again.
23:53We love you.
23:54I wasn't sure how he'd react, but...
23:57He was chuffed.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01People say to me these days,
24:04Islamophobia.
24:05I say, no, lamb is a type of meat.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10LAUGHTER
24:14Not a phobia.
24:16You might have a phobia.
24:17You might have a phobia of them.
24:19When you were little,
24:20you fell into a shepherd's pie.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:22We've all done that.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:25Some strange people out there.
24:26Do you hear about that woman
24:27who was arrested at Gatwick Airport this morning?
24:29Seven baby porcupines in a pillowcase.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33I don't know how some people sleep at night.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:41Moped crime, the scourge of our streets.
24:43I saw a moped coming towards me the other day.
24:45I waited, I waited, I waited,
24:46and he was going past.
24:47Whoop!
24:48Took him off.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50Just as well, when I opened up what he had in the back,
24:52he'd clearly just stolen a human heart.
24:56LAUGHTER
25:02I've only saved a life there.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:08Very good.
25:09At the end of that round,
25:10the points for the Milton Jones!
25:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:15Join us after the break for more Mbok the Week.
25:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:25Our next round is called If This Is The Answer,
25:27What Is The Question?
25:28On the board are six categories.
25:29Lou, which category would you like?
25:30Ooh, for me, it's going to have to be politics.
25:32Oh, right, that's the kind of show we make.
25:34The topic is politics, and the answer is eight years.
25:37What is the question?
25:39What did Mike Tyson do to Evander Holyfield?
25:44Eight years!
25:46LAUGHTER
25:47LAUGHTER
25:49Eight years!
25:50Do you get it?
25:51Yes!
25:52Yes!
25:53Wow!
25:53I mean, just to put all the chips into the middle of the table like that.
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58Is it that when the washing machine says it has one minute left,
26:03how long is actually left?
26:06Is it, er, when is my emergency GP appointment?
26:10LAUGHTER
26:13What age was I?
26:15And I said to my mum, I'm no good at mathematics.
26:17And she said, well, you're good at other things.
26:19Count your blessings.
26:20Count your blessings.
26:20I said, I can't.
26:21LAUGHTER
26:23Is it, er, what is the age of consent if you own an island?
26:27Oh!
26:28Oh!
26:30Oh!
26:31Oh!
26:31For legal purposes, I am not stating any particular island.
26:35No, no suggesting any particular political figures have visited
26:39any particular island.
26:40The man from Diamante is going to be furious.
26:44LAUGHTER
26:44Is it, how long would it take me to answer all the messages I got
26:48after last week's episode that said, where's Hugh?
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Is it, at what age, after a frankly unacceptable tour,
26:56was I inexplicably given a chocolate factory to try and run by myself?
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02I had absolutely no qualifications to do it.
27:04The whole thing was a death trap, frankly.
27:07They've...
27:08It's shut down.
27:08It's a vape shop now.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Is it, how often is so often in the phrase,
27:16I floss every so often?
27:18LAUGHTER
27:20Is it, how long's Christmas dinner going to feel at the Beckham's this year?
27:24LAUGHTER
27:29Is it, how long have I saved cumulatively in my life,
27:33since I realised you can just put pasta straight in the kettle?
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38Is it, how old do your friends' kids have to be before you can swear at them?
27:44Is it, for how long now has Melania been saying to herself,
27:48this will be his last Christmas?
27:51LAUGHTER
27:56Is it, how long did Peter Mandelson think emails were kept for?
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01LAUGHTER
28:03APPLAUSE
28:03Is it, er...
28:05How long is it going to take before I can go to sleep
28:07without seeing the image of Peter Mandelson
28:10slashing before my eyes?
28:12LAUGHTER
28:12Is it simply, how long's left?
28:16LAUGHTER
28:18LAUGHTER
28:19Have a guess, have a guess.
28:21Yeah.
28:23Did I...?
28:24Is it if you add them all up,
28:25how long does it feel like the ads are on this show?
28:28LAUGHTER
28:29Oh, my God, I've seen...
28:31Oh, the ad, there's one ad of me,
28:33I apologise to anyone who thought,
28:34where it's me with the logo behind me
28:36and I saw it mute in a football stadium
28:38and it looked like something out of The Running Man.
28:40I was just standing there and going...
28:41LAUGHTER
28:42And I could see my mouth moving
28:43and I was saying,
28:44you could earn a million credits!
28:46Or die!
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49LAUGHTER
28:49Sorry, we'll dial it down.
28:50OK.
28:51Is it, how long is it since I kissed a bat
28:54without fear of consequences?
28:57LAUGHTER
28:58LAUGHTER
29:00Is it, how long does it feel like plays last?
29:05LAUGHTER
29:06Big tears are going bad.
29:08LAUGHTER
29:09I don't approve of that joke, actually.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:12Is it...
29:13These people only come to shit they can get into for free.
29:15Come on.
29:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:20That's our demographic right there.
29:22Is it, therefore, is it,
29:23how long did everyone here save up to come...?
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28Is it, how old do jockeys look in silhouette?
29:32LAUGHTER
29:36OK, I'm going to move to a correct answer, Catherine.
29:38Is it, how long before Trump's Board of Peace
29:40changes its name to The First Order?
29:44LAUGHTER
29:45Is it, how long would it take you to list all my gods?
29:49LAUGHTER
29:52LAUGHTER
29:54APPLAUSE
29:54Pretty sure.
29:56Once I'd done the elephant one...
29:58LAUGHTER
29:59Wait, did you just call him the elephant one?
30:00The elephant one.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:06I was going to say Gilgamesh.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:10That would have been epic to be back.
30:12That's the bad guy from the Smurfs.
30:14LAUGHTER
30:14OK.
30:15I did not know this is how we got cancelled.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:18We will again.
30:20We do need to go towards the correct answer, if we can, please.
30:23Is it, when was the last time a British Prime Minister visited China?
30:26That's absolutely right.
30:27Thank you very, very much.
30:32APPLAUSE
30:33Yes, the test I was talking about was until Keir Starmer's recent trip, how long had it been since a
30:38UK Prime Minister visited China?
30:39This is the news that Keir Starmer led a delegation to China to break the eight-year ice age in
30:43diplomatic relations between the two countries and to pursue a closer trading partnership.
30:47So, what happened on the trip?
30:49Well, what happens in China stays in China.
30:51OK.
30:51Very good at surveillance.
30:53LAUGHTER
30:54We were there to sort of negotiate, meet their Prime Minister and then, is it Prime Minister? Emperor.
30:59Uh, divine leader.
31:02Yeah, yeah.
31:02This is why you didn't get the job.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05That we didn't send you.
31:06Is it Prime Minister?
31:07Who cares?
31:08We have so little to offer China, cos, like, they famously make everything, OK?
31:12But we need their, like, oil, their microchips, their uranium, and what we offered in return is, like, lower tariffs
31:18on whisky.
31:19Yeah.
31:19And it really just feels like when you're a teenager and you buy a Christmas present for your parents, and,
31:24like, they've got you a PlayStation and a BMX, and you've got your dad this can of shaving foam.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:30He shouldn't be taking presents from China, cos if he needs to send them back, it's really hard.
31:35LAUGHTER
31:37There have been a lot of gifts back and forth, so, uh, Xi Jinping gave Keir Starmer a copper statue
31:42of a horse, uh, because it's the Chinese year of the horse,
31:46and, uh, Starmer gave Xi Jinping a statue of a British guy who's just fucking given up.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53That's what year it is here.
31:55LAUGHTER
31:56He actually gave, um, Keir Starmer gave him a football, didn't he?
31:59He gave, he gave him the football piece from an Arsenal.
32:00From the Arsenal Man United game that had taken place about two days earlier, yeah.
32:03That's so, that's the only thing, isn't it, football, where you give someone the, like, it doesn't happen in other
32:07areas of cultural, like, you don't go to the ballet and then give someone the lead fella's codpiece.
32:14The weird thing about it is that Xi isn't even into football, Starmer just misread his name as Eleven.
32:21LAUGHTER
32:23His official name is starting Xi.
32:26Because we've got to negotiate with China now, basically.
32:28It's a thing, haven't we, right?
32:29And for years we've been anti-negotiating with China because they're, like, an evil dictatorship or whatever, right?
32:33But now they're the most powerful economy in the world, so we have no choice.
32:36And it's just exactly like the nerdy girl in an American high school movie who suddenly gets hot.
32:43And what's effectively happened with this economy is China has taken off its glasses and let down its hair.
32:48And we've gone, oh, my God, you're gorgeous.
32:52You can have all the sweatsop shops you want as long as you go to prom with me, please.
32:55Do you realise you just said sweat socks?
32:58Yes.
32:59I was very much hoping no-one noticed that.
33:02Apparently, when he was in Beijing, Starmer asked to see The Forbidden City.
33:07But they said, er, no.
33:12No, they gave him a labubu.
33:13Oh, I think so, yeah.
33:15They gave him a really special labubu whose eyes follow you round the room.
33:19LAUGHTER
33:19And he started by leaning into the labubu and going, testing, one, one.
33:25LAUGHTER
33:26To bring luck to all of your private music.
33:28Yeah.
33:31Ignore the beeping and clicking noises it makes as it uploads the good fortune.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:36If people are asking you to speak louder, then you should speak louder round.
33:41LAUGHTER
33:42But also, we've got to work with China, haven't we?
33:43Because we want an alternative to Trump, because Trump's too mad, right?
33:46And the thing is, like, China, evil, whatever, but at least they do it in a predictable way.
33:49Like you say, right? China is like, oh, China want to spy on us.
33:52Why? Because they want some information.
33:54With Trump, it's like, oh, Trump's going to bomb Burundi and put a tariff on urinal cakes.
33:59Why? Because he didn't win the Booker Prize?
34:02LAUGHTER
34:04To commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's historic visit to the country,
34:08let's see how much you all know about China.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:10OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
34:13Sticky Rice!
34:14No!
34:15LAUGHTER
34:15Yes!
34:16You both...
34:17No, that was a joke!
34:19What? No, no, it's true!
34:21It's Sticky Rice!
34:21It's Sticky Rice!
34:22Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
34:22Shut up!
34:25Sticky Rice is the nickname of the guy who meant the voice.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:30That was meant...
34:31No, it's genuinely Sticky Rice.
34:33Wait, and you two were both guessing?
34:35Yeah!
34:35That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:39It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
34:42before women's punchlines start to...
34:44LAUGHTER
34:47At the end of that round,
34:48the points go to Lou, Rhys and Milton!
34:51CHEERING
34:53Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
35:02Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
35:04so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
35:06I'll read out this week's topics
35:07and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
35:10OK, here we go.
35:11The first subject is...
35:13Things you wouldn't hear on a news programme.
35:16We're hearing there's been a spate of people
35:18leaving out their legs to trip up some of our correspondents.
35:21For more on this, here's our reporter on the ground.
35:24LAUGHTER
35:26On BBC News tonight,
35:28the story of the greatest comeback in TV history.
35:31Join me at 10, I'm Hugh Edwards.
35:33LAUGHTER
35:36If you've been affected by any of our stories
35:39on tonight's panorama special on sex addiction,
35:42then please call our hotline and speak to Sam.
35:45She's hot, she's horny and she's waiting for your call.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:51And we've just got time to have a look at tomorrow's papers
35:53and the front page of The Guardian has gone with...
35:56WHERE! WHERE! WHERE! WHERE!
35:59LAUGHTER
36:01The victim wished to remain anonymous,
36:03which, once you get to know him,
36:04is just such a Will Patterson thing to do.
36:07LAUGHTER
36:10Next up, tonight's special report on elder care,
36:13where we'll be speaking to a representative from Age UK
36:16and for BBC Balance, the ghost of Harold Shipman.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:24Iran...
36:24So...
36:25Is it...
36:25Is it Iran or Iran?
36:27Iran or Ira...
36:28Iran...
36:29Iran over a child on my way to work this morning.
36:32LAUGHTER
36:35We're going out to our foreign correspondent.
36:38I think he's Indian or something.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:43I'm the foreign correspondent.
36:48Clive, who writes our autocue, has sadly passed away,
36:50so we will be having a minute's silence.
36:52Possibly longer, if we can't find someone else.
36:54LAUGHTER
36:58If you think watching the BBC TV news is pointless,
37:01then you've probably tuned in too early.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:08Later, we'll be asking,
37:09are news readers intentionally trying to make their colleagues
37:12sound like perverts?
37:13But first, it's over to Wimbledon,
37:14where Stephen is getting a good look at the men's semis.
37:17LAUGHTER
37:20Breaking news just in.
37:21Today, Piers Morgan let someone finish a sentence.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:26Sport now, and some women have been having a go at football.
37:31LAUGHTER
37:35What?!
37:35You wouldn't hear that!
37:38You wouldn't hear that!
37:39You wouldn't hear that!
37:39It's good that you wouldn't hear that!
37:41LAUGHTER
37:43Misogynists.
37:44LAUGHTER
37:46Sport now, and some Irish people have been having a go at football.
37:50LAUGHTER
37:51LAUGHTER
37:54APPLAUSE
37:57Breaking news.
37:58The chairman of the BBC has been sacked
38:01for letting outrageously good talent go to another TV channel.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:08APPLAUSE
38:11Football is shit and boring and played by wankers.
38:14Sorry.
38:14LAUGHTER
38:15That was an Irishman having a go at football.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:23Previously on The News.
38:25Everything.
38:27LAUGHTER
38:30And in business news, the footsie is actually getting a bit much, Steve.
38:34Would you mind keeping it professional?
38:36LAUGHTER
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38That was Josephine with the weather.
38:40And if you'd like to see more of Josephine, you're in luck.
38:42She is on OnlyFans.
38:44LAUGHTER
38:47You're watching GB News over now to have a look at the foreign markets.
38:52Er, is that what they eat?
38:54LAUGHTER
38:57You're watching Question Time, where joining me on the panel
39:00are four of Britain's most available nut jobs.
39:03LAUGHTER
39:06Travel news now, the London to Brighton line has been suspended
39:09due to a shoe on the rail.
39:12LAUGHTER
39:14Sorry, I'm late, er, trouble with my tits.
39:17LAUGHTER
39:20Me too.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:24We now go live to our Ukraine correspondent.
39:26Stephen, you're a few miles outside the conflict.
39:28Tell us, what is it like being a pussy?
39:31LAUGHTER
39:32The next topic is unlikely things to hear in a job interview.
39:38I'd be happy to come in Wednesday,
39:41which is the reason I got fired from the new Addams Family movie.
39:45LAUGHTER
39:50Can I confirm I'm not using ChatGPT to help me with this Zoom interview?
39:53That's an awesome question.
39:55Here's a list of ten possible responses.
39:57LAUGHTER
40:00Yes, I have done my research.
40:02For instance, I know exactly what school your children go to.
40:06LAUGHTER
40:09Yes, computers are my life, really.
40:11I know an awful lot about them.
40:13Yes, and even when I go to a restaurant, you know,
40:14I trip up the waiter and shout,
40:16The server's down!
40:18LAUGHTER
40:22Er, the four-year gap in my CV.
40:24Yes, er, some dipshit cancelled the show.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:33No, you seem like a perfect candidate, Miss Barnes, but you're not wearing any shoes.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:41And were you breastfed, my love?
40:44And would you like to be?
40:47LAUGHTER
40:48So, are the Lighthouse family a family who live in a Lighthouse,
40:52or a family whose surname is Lighthouse?
40:55Sorry, questions about the job.
40:56Er, no, no.
40:58LAUGHTER
41:00I've wanted to be an auctioneer ever since I was a little boy.
41:03I dreamt about it once, I dreamt about it twice, I dreamt about it three times.
41:06Oh, no, you don't want me? OK, I'm gone!
41:11And then I let the three final guys finish off on my chest.
41:16And that's an example of how I'm good at teamwork.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:22Er, the three years in Wormwood Scrubs.
41:26Was I the warden?
41:27Yeah, let's go with that.
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31Yes, the last genetic lab I worked in, I crossed the Pitbull Terrier with a boomerang.
41:38Unfortunately, it came back to bite me.
41:41LAUGHTER
41:45Oh, I don't know, probably shagging identical twin brothers.
41:49Oh, you mean my greatest workplace achievement?
41:52LAUGHTER
41:53Interesting fact about me, I've got an identical twin brother.
41:57LAUGHTER
42:00Er, do I have any questions for you?
42:02Um, how good is the Wi-Fi in the toilets?
42:06LAUGHTER
42:11Hustler, Grindr, these are just two of the apps I've been banned from.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:17We believe in equal opportunities here, mainly so the women can shut up!
42:23LAUGHTER
42:24Have I got any questions?
42:26Well, what kind of cars does this garage have?
42:29What kind of cars does this garage have?
42:32What kind of...?
42:33Oh, hire.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:38LAUGHTER
42:39APPLAUSE
42:42A critique I got at my last job, er, that I put people down,
42:46which is apparently abusing my power as a vet.
42:49LAUGHTER
42:52What are my first impressions?
42:54Um, I'm Gary, the CEO!
42:56My wife left me and I think of cabbage!
42:59LAUGHTER
43:01My biggest strength?
43:02Knowing when not to answer questions.
43:05My biggest weakness?
43:06Er, probably tits.
43:09At the end of that round, the points are going to Lou, Rhys and Milton!
43:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:17And that's the end of the show.
43:18This week's winners are Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne and Ather Shah.
43:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:24Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys James and Lou Sanders.
43:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:29Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
43:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:36Read about the things that happen,
43:38about the world of hope.
43:41Don't believe that everything you see I have.
43:47Read on the mind.
43:49Read on the mind.
43:52Listen to the world.
43:54Listen to the world.
43:55APPLAUSE
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