- 15 hours ago
Mock the Week 2026 S01E08
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03:58I think they'd better off sending them a giant wicker Kia Starmer.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04What are you going to remember, Scott, is this your first show
04:06and you're the outsider?
04:09LAUGHTER
04:11Can I point out that I get my heating oil delivered
04:14and I'm really feeling the pinch.
04:18It throws people when you tell them you have your heating oil delivered.
04:21It seems like a very weird way to heat your house
04:24that a man drives a tanker full of oil up to your tank.
04:26It's like having your electricity delivered.
04:28It'll be like every three months a guy just showed up
04:31to change the batteries in your house.
04:33It's like you've got a really huge AA battery.
04:37You put it in the wrong way, take it out, spin it around.
04:40Turn the old one a few times.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44This is bad. I thought you were joking.
04:47No, we have heating oil in our house.
04:50It's more than doubled in price.
04:52This is the most Irish I've ever felt that you are.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55I was reading this, I'd never heard of this.
04:57Yes, because before that we were burning Protestants.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:03Fair enough.
05:05I mean, you've been watching songs of praise going,
05:08oh, that's a good one out there.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:12You get a week out of that one now.
05:15How did you get the news about the oil prices, Ed?
05:17You're a medium-wave radio, you're Blackberry.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21We have the internet brought in once a week in buckets.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:26What else might go up in price?
05:28Everything. Everything.
05:29Everything has got to go up in price. Yay!
05:32Mortgage rates are going up, aren't they?
05:33Mortgages are going to go up.
05:34And as a millennial, can I just say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:38I just think with the mortgages going up, right, it's just like,
05:41cos, you know, boomers are the ones with the mortgages, right?
05:44Yeah.
05:44And if you are a boomer who's struggling to pay your mortgage,
05:46just think, if maybe you'd bought a few less houses
05:48and a few more posh coffees, you wouldn't be in this mess.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:51LAUGHTER
05:53Yeah. Well...
05:54That's a millennial crowd.
05:56APPLAUSE
05:57Can I say that we're always being criticised
05:59of being, like, the golden generation,
06:00cos we've earned more money from property than our kids.
06:03Let me tell you, there is nothing golden
06:04about having your children live with you forever.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:14It does worry me.
06:15I wonder if we're going to get to the point
06:17where the only way we'll keep warm
06:18we'll be having forges smothered in deep heat.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23And you'll just pass...
06:24..pass lay-bys in Norfolk
06:27and there'll be people rutting in puffing jackets.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:30But that happens anyway.
06:31Yeah.
06:32Also, people on Ozempic and Manjaro,
06:35they got a lot of hate for a while,
06:38and now food's so expensive.
06:39Who's laughing now? We don't need it.
06:42Yeah, but you can...
06:43There's ways to, like, you know,
06:45there's money-saving ideas to get it cheaper, you know,
06:47like, to get petrol cheaper.
06:47You just got to find that garage that does it cheaper
06:49than all the other ones, haven't you?
06:51Yeah.
06:51I found this one, it's 10p cheaper than anywhere else,
06:53and it's in Carlisle, so I just drive there every time.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57How has Keir Starmer stood up to Donald Trump?
06:59By not sending ships straight away.
07:03Yes.
07:03And then offering to send ships,
07:05but being told that the war has already won,
07:07and then not even saying anything
07:09when being asked for more ships.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13We have sent a ship anyway.
07:14We have, you have, yeah.
07:15But it was not...
07:16It wasn't offensive, it's defensive,
07:18and it's the HMS dragon.
07:19Why is it called a dragon?
07:21Dragons are not water-based animals.
07:24I think it's a concession to the Welsh.
07:25I think it's a kind of...
07:26But the Welsh isn't a dragon, is it?
07:29It's not a dragon.
07:29No, no.
07:30It's got a different name,
07:31and it's got those big legs.
07:32I don't think that's a dragon, either.
07:33What is it, then?
07:34I should have listened more on QI the other day.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:37We should go,
07:38oh, yeah, there's only, like, an hour on this.
07:41It's a real test.
07:42This will never come up again.
07:43I can't believe it.
07:44That's fantastic.
07:45We basically...
07:46You're bringing second-hand panel show information.
07:49I tell them about the news.
07:52What did they say about it on Cat's countdown?
07:54Shhh!
07:55When are we doing the prize task?
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58This is a Class 45 destroyer, isn't it?
08:00And what...
08:01Yeah!
08:02Yeah!
08:03Yeah!
08:04If either me or Dara knew that,
08:07we'd look really suspicious.
08:09Yeah, yeah.
08:11Notoriously, they have certain weaknesses
08:13that Semtex can be jammed into.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:15I think you should send him more ships,
08:18but charge a 60% tariff for each one.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22I think that's the...
08:23By the way, that's the system.
08:25APPLAUSE
08:25The chip...
08:27The chip that's being sent isn't the one at the back.
08:29It's the little white one at the front.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:36I think it's wonderful that he's just sent one battleship,
08:39because even when you play the game Battleships,
08:42you have more than that.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:44I just love the idea of D4 hit.
08:48Right, that's done, then.
08:50Yeah.
08:51Moving on, before we move on,
08:53a big shout-out to people in Cyprus,
08:54cos I was in Cyprus last week,
08:55cos I got there faster than HMS Dragon.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:58So he'll be there and come back,
09:00like whenever he did a show over there.
09:01But a big shout-out to the woman who posted on Twitter
09:03the day after is there going,
09:04well, thanks to Dara Breen who actually came,
09:06unlike fake Billy Ocean.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:09So I don't know who fake Billy Ocean is,
09:11but, ooh, ooh, no, you are not welcome back in Cyprus,
09:15cos you chickened out of going to Cyprus,
09:17and fake Billy Ocean is somewhere London going,
09:19it sounded really dangerous, you know?
09:20And when the going gets tough...
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23..and...
09:24.. fake Billy Ocean does not go to Cyprus.
09:27So you were there?
09:28Yes.
09:28So you're our first line of defence?
09:30I was, yes.
09:32Briefly, I was.
09:33Briefly, I was in an advanced position in the current...
09:35So it's like, Starmer basically said,
09:37we're not sending you a warship,
09:38we will send you Dara O'Brien.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:41Take your mind off it.
09:42Moving on, what's going on here?
09:46LAUGHTER
09:46This is my pornography.
09:48It's a fully dressed man being kind to animals.
09:52Those two...
09:53The two ugly alpacas in the background look like they're
09:55bitching about the fit one at the front.
09:57LAUGHTER
09:59I think you'll find what that is...
10:00He always gets to meet the MPs.
10:02He's always pushing the foot.
10:03I think you'll find that's white alpacas being radicalised
10:06by somebody who has to be down there.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:08He's disappointed, he's like,
10:09on Hinge it said feisty redhead.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:13They're actually becoming increasingly rare in the UK,
10:16Lib Dems.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:20What is a Lib Dem race?
10:22Do they face the same prejudice as bisexuals?
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27This is Ed Davey being no more Mr Nice Guy.
10:29He's saying, vote Lib Dem or I will slash this animal's throat.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:34Wow!
10:35Wow!
10:36Wow!
10:37I mean, look...
10:38Ed, see how much that energised the crowd.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:42This is the known answers tough guy they want to see from Ed Davey these days.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47Do you mind if we go back...
10:47Grip that thing's neck!
10:48LAUGHTER
10:49Can we go back to talking about the Iran war to lighten the fucking mood?
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55Many viewers are upset by any of the content in tonight's show,
10:58there will be a number at the bottom.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:01Why kids love alpacas?
11:02And then Ed came on the television and talked about alpacas dying.
11:05Why did he do that?
11:06Why did you talk about Ed about alpacas dying?
11:08Because sometimes they have to die.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11They're a menace, they're off the street...
11:13Just for more votes!
11:14LAUGHTER
11:15Why was he criticised this week, by the way?
11:17Why was Ed Davey criticised?
11:18He's touching up an alpaca!
11:21LAUGHTER
11:21Has he been told to ditch the clown act?
11:24He has, absolutely, yeah.
11:25Yeah, I mean, it's a bit annoying.
11:26I've booked him for my daughter's birthday party.
11:29LAUGHTER
11:30Bringing an alpaca with him, which is going to be a nightmare
11:34in the open-plan kitchen.
11:35Him, at the end, just holding up a severed head of an alpaca...
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39..and crying and going,
11:40This is the new reality!
11:42He had the new lived out.
11:43I mean, they said to ditch the clown act, but that's his whole thing,
11:46isn't it?
11:46Yeah, he did.
11:47Without that, he's got no personality, he's got the, you know,
11:49spirit of a mortgage advisor trapped in the body of a sex tourist.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56Yeah, I think it's really out of order.
11:58He's just a happy guy.
11:59Oh, look at that!
12:01That's an amazing photograph!
12:03It is!
12:04Yeah, honestly, let's just enjoy this not photoshopped,
12:07not fake, not AI-slopped, genuine shot of a political leader
12:12and everything about it is perfect!
12:14He's living the exact life of everyone
12:16in an advert for incontinence patch.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19Everything he does is like,
12:21I can still do it all, thanks to tenor!
12:23I can go bungee jumping, paddle boarding,
12:26and all wearing white trousers!
12:28I'm so happy!
12:29And then Hugh comes in with the...
12:30Oh, look at that!
12:32What a lucky guess!
12:33Yes!
12:34Oh, no, all of the photographs of this,
12:35every photograph you have about Davey is this,
12:37like the, go on, pick up another one!
12:38There we go!
12:40LAUGHTER
12:40Look, it's lovely!
12:41All of them come with loads of tiny texts about how,
12:45do not take money if you're also taking this!
12:48Counterindications include heart attack disease!
12:51It must be annoying to be a Lib Dem donor,
12:53being like, are you spending the money on campaign literature
12:56and focus groups?
12:57Oh, no, he's put springs on his arse and gone to Thorpe Park again!
13:01LAUGHTER
13:01Where's Ed as he zonked behind people?
13:04Where's Ed gone?
13:05He's in a giant inflatable ball!
13:06He's rollerblading through Legoland every day!
13:09LAUGHTER
13:09It's in some way refreshing,
13:10rather than seeing somebody on a sex island,
13:13instead of seeing somebody at Chessington!
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17It actually makes me genuinely feel so happy!
13:19I like him!
13:20And I like the fact that, yeah, you're right,
13:21Epstein would never have replied to an email from him!
13:23LAUGHTER
13:24He wouldn't have been so upset with him!
13:25He'd be like, I don't want to be his friend!
13:27And that's a good sign, isn't it?
13:30Yeah!
13:31He'd say, do you want to come to the island of grown-up fun?
13:33No!
13:35LAUGHTER
13:37You don't want a massage, you want to go go-karting!
13:41LAUGHTER
13:41At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Sarah!
13:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:47Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
13:57Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
14:00In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:02this is a chance for a performance to compete,
14:04to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives,
14:06and I decide whose is the worst.
14:08Anyone care to start us off?
14:11I wear the same pants as Peter Mandelson.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16OK?
14:17One small clarification, right?
14:19It's an arresting image.
14:20You do need the same brand of pants.
14:22It's not like you don't alternate James.
14:23You're literally the same pants.
14:24I'm intrigued by the fact that you read...
14:25You've looked at the photos from the Epstein file
14:28and recognised the brand of pants and felt...
14:30Well, I don't say I'm wearing them now,
14:32but when I was sort of a teenager,
14:34I wore roughly the same sorts of pants.
14:36I had a slight pant disaster at one point as a teenager
14:39and I had all my pants stolen
14:41and I had to go and buy more pants.
14:43This was the day before I went back to school
14:45and I ended up with like 11 pairs of white pants
14:48and one pair of yellow pants that my mum thought were normal
14:51but on the front, they had a logo that said,
14:53Beware the Beast.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:57Why did you have all your pants stolen?
14:59I don't mean to sound like I'm victim-blaming.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02It's not that you're famous.
15:04But when you were in school...
15:07Except my dad was a vicar, right?
15:09So we lived in a...
15:10No, that's enough.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:12I mean, you're here.
15:14Sorry, you're here.
15:15I was very common.
15:17You think that's bad?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22I don't have one nearly as bad as any of that.
15:25No, we think that's weird.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28Well, years ago, I used to have the weirdest fetish ever.
15:31I used to steal a vicar's son's pants.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35And I thought I got away with it too.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38If you think that's bad,
15:39if your wife suggests you should introduce some toys into the bedroom,
15:42she didn't mean hungry hippos.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46And they don't like to be called that.
15:47It's Alan and Graham from next door.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:53I asked them to come round in huge pants as well.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:57If you think that's bad, I just bought an apartment in Dubai.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:05If you think that's bad, my cloud got hacked and my nudes were so unsexy,
16:10they got Grok to get me dressed.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13If you think that's bad, I just bought non-refundable tickets
16:16to take Timothee Chalamet to the ballet if he won an Oscar.
16:20LAUGHTER
16:20If you think that's bad, my children are so addicted to screens
16:23at the moment, the only way I can get them out for a walk
16:25is to lure them out the house with the router.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30LAUGHTER
16:33We can only...
16:34Yeah, we can only walk to a 50-metre extension.
16:3650-metre range of...
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38An extension of some sort.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:40If you think that's bad, I've had so many kids,
16:42now the hospital named some stirrups in my honour.
16:46LAUGHTER
16:47Do you think that's bad?
16:48I had to tell my wife that our skybox is broken
16:51and I was unable to record last week's episode
16:53in order to stop her from watching the derogatory comments
16:57you lot made about what was going on between me
16:59and a French exchange student.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:05APPLAUSE
17:06And...
17:07APPLAUSE
17:08APPLAUSE
17:09APPLAUSE
17:13The next round is called
17:14Running Out Of He-He-He-He-Heating Oil.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:20This game involves Sarah and Scott.
17:23If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
17:25This round is the stand-up challenge.
17:26I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
17:28one of our performers and step forward,
17:30and talk about that subject.
17:31Yes.
17:31The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
17:33OK, here we go.
17:34Let's have our first topic, please.
17:37And the first topic is ambition.
17:39Who wants to come with that?
17:40Oh.
17:40Sarah.
17:40OK.
17:42So, I've been thinking a lot recently about Paula Radcliffe,
17:46because it's 20 years ago this year.
17:48Paula Radcliffe, of course, an incredible athlete,
17:51exceptional woman, 20 years ago she was running the London Marathon
17:55and she...
17:57Yeah, you remember now.
17:59LAUGHTER
17:59She needed the toilet and she didn't want to lose the time
18:02that it would take to go and do it privately.
18:04And, you know, they're filming it, it's live television,
18:07and so she crouched down at the side of the road and she did it.
18:12Poo.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:13And this is the important bit, she then got up
18:16and she won the London Marathon.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:19I know, and I'm obsessed with it.
18:21I'm obsessed with it because there is nothing I want that much.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:26In terms of, like, your lives, like, your hopes and dreams,
18:29like, your ambitions, the things you'd like to achieve,
18:31is there anything where you think, yeah,
18:33I would do a shit outside in front of everyone
18:36in order to get it?
18:37Because I can't think of anything.
18:38I can't think of anything.
18:39You know, like, postcode lottery? No.
18:41Do I have a licence? No.
18:43I test myself with scenarios.
18:45So, imagine the other day, I was like, what if the Academy call me?
18:48And they're like, Sarah, this year at the Oscars,
18:50we will give you the Best Actor Oscar.
18:54You're not in anything.
18:55It's the male category,
18:58but we will read out your name.
19:00All you have to do in the aisle
19:01is you're walking up to collect it.
19:03And I would say, no, no, thank you.
19:06Not under those circumstances.
19:07And then I imagine that they're calling me back.
19:10You know, they're trying to persuade me.
19:11They're like, oh, Sarah, no, you wouldn't have to crouch down
19:13and do it in an embarrassing way.
19:15You know, you could just do it like a horse.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:19Yeah, so let's not even slow down.
19:22You could still have it drop out of your dress on the way up there.
19:26And I would still say, no, no, thank you.
19:28I don't know if my lack of ambition is holding back my career.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:33My husband wants very different things to me.
19:36My husband, he would like a threesome.
19:38That's his ambition.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:40And he was like, the other day, he was like...
19:42Oh, he's Australian.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:44Oh.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:46You might want to be sexy
19:48if we could get some other people involved in the bedroom.
19:51And I'm like, no, no, no, I can do all of it.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:54I'll just move my arms and legs quicker, you know.
19:57I'll just whiz around the bed a bit, you know.
19:59I can put on a funny voice, you won't know in the dark, you know.
20:02Touch my tits.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05Thank you very much, Sarah.
20:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:10That leaves us with Scott.
20:12Let's see what your topic is.
20:13Let's spin the wheel.
20:15OK, the topic is ageing.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:19OK, I'm 46 now.
20:22You're right not to applaud.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:25And I've reached the point now where I'm going to the gym
20:27just to maintain where I am, which is truly tragic.
20:32I've got a personal trainer who says,
20:34you're looking to get shredded, you're looking to get ripped.
20:36I was like, no, Jase, I'm looking to get dressed.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40I'd just like to put my socks on
20:42without involving my children first.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45I don't know what's happened to me.
20:46I'm trying, I'm clinging on.
20:48I went to a post-punk gig recently
20:50and I got in the mosh pit, which was an error.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:53Cos it was just everyone my own age.
20:55At one point, we all had our hands in the air,
20:57like an act of defiance.
20:58But what ruined it was a sea of Apple Watchers
21:01warning us we're in a loud environment.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06You're going to smash the system
21:08but you keep it below 85 decibels.
21:10You're not meant to be there.
21:12Cos that's the thing that leaves you behind.
21:14My nephew's 19, he's had them holes put in his earlobes, right?
21:18When was that agreed?
21:20LAUGHTER
21:20It makes his face look like a camping ground sheet.
21:24LAUGHTER
21:26I don't know whether to talk to him or peg him down.
21:29I mean...
21:34It's like a piece of tarpaulin with opinions.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:38Do you know what that's really good for?
21:40It's measuring the perfect portion of spaghetti.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:45What's that going to look like when he's older?
21:47I suppose he gives somewhere for a nurse to hang a drip, doesn't it?
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51Maybe that's the idea.
21:53But I look at my dad.
21:54My dad's in his 70s.
21:55He's embracing it, right?
21:57He's stopped caring.
21:58I was there the other week.
21:59He was polishing his car with a pair of old underpants.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:02He said to me, it's better than any cloth.
22:04I said, yeah, but take them off.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:09I can't watch you grinding up the side of an Octavia
22:13like a geriatric Beyonce.
22:15It's horrific.
22:16You're doing a slow drop in the alloys, mate.
22:19Like Victoria Beckham at her wedding.
22:21I can't have this.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:26But I am trying.
22:28I want to leave a legacy for my children.
22:29I'm trying to look after myself.
22:30And then something happened the other week
22:32and I thought, what's the point?
22:33I was at a gig and another act came up to me and said,
22:35Scott, you look fantastic.
22:37Have you been training?
22:38Have you been dieting?
22:39I'd have the neurovirus.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:42I've been shitting myself inside out for a month.
22:45I thought I was going to die and he looked at me and went,
22:48whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
22:51LAUGHTER
22:51That's the best you've ever looked.
22:53Your cheekbones have come back.
22:55I've given up on the gym.
22:56I'm licking handrails outside of walking.
22:59LAUGHTER
22:59No eating in one-star rated restaurants.
23:02I've just ordered a tapeworm on the dark web.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07Basically, I'm going to shit myself into skinny jeans.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:12Well done.
23:13Point here and go to Scott Fenner.
23:15Tick down, come on.
23:18Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
23:27The next round is called, if this is the answer,
23:30what is the question?
23:31On the board are six categories.
23:32Scott, which category would you like?
23:34Politics, please.
23:35OK, your topic is politics.
23:37The answer is around £500,000.
23:39What is the question?
23:41How much would I pay to have an uninterrupted poo
23:43in my own house?
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46Is it, how much will I win
23:48if Prince Andrew becomes the new host of Strictly?
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53Is it, how much do I owe the student loans company
23:56for my degree in financial planning?
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00Is it, what would Christmas have cost me
24:02if I got my kids everything they asked for?
24:04LAUGHTER
24:05Is it, of the £10 billion Donald Trump is suing them for,
24:09how much would bankrupt the BBC?
24:11LAUGHTER
24:13Is it, what's the going rate to jog a politician's memory?
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18Is it, how much would a million-pound house be worth
24:21if Peter Mendelsohn moved in next door?
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Is it, how much do vets now charge
24:27to drain a dog's anal glands?
24:29LAUGHTER
24:31It's a lot.
24:31It's a lot. It's a lot.
24:32That is a lot.
24:33If only we could run our houses
24:34on the juice that comes out of dogs.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37I'll do it for free.
24:38It's the word juice.
24:39It was the word juice.
24:40I apologise.
24:41Is it, how much was the restaurant find
24:43at the end of Ratatouille?
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47Is it, how much of my half-million-pound investment
24:49did I lose when I invested in Hoc-Toi coin?
24:53LAUGHTER
24:55Is it, how much did my dad think
24:57leaving a light on in one room would cost per day?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:01Is it, how much damage was done when they left my nan
25:04in charge of the thermostat at Madame Tussauds?
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08Is it, four people, four nights, summer holidays at centre parks?
25:12LAUGHTER
25:13Is it, how much is a flight from Abu Dhabi to Heathrow?
25:17LAUGHTER
25:17Is it, how much was Bonnie Blue's last dry cleaning bill?
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23Is it, how much could you make annually
25:25from my new cryptocurrency...
25:28huge coin?
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31Is it, how much did I make
25:33selling a vicar's son's pants on eBay?
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36Is it, if a busker borrowed your hat, Dara,
25:40how much could he bit in it?
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44LAUGHTER
25:45He's got a big head.
25:46Yeah, he's got a massive head.
25:51If you go to a money exchange in an airport
25:53and exchange one million British pounds for British pounds,
25:57how much do you get?
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00OK, does anyone have the correct answer, please?
26:01How much does it cost to keep my daughter
26:03in her various school clubs per month?
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07Dreams that are going nowhere?
26:10LAUGHTER
26:10Pointless. Pointless.
26:13LAUGHTER
26:13How much has Sarah Pascoe turned down to poo in public?
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18Is it actually, is it how much did Peter Mandelson
26:22ask for as a severance pay?
26:24Absolutely right.
26:25Thank you very much, Ed.
26:27APPLAUSE
26:29Yes.
26:30The question I was looking for is,
26:32what did Peter Mandelson request as severance payment
26:34after he was sacked as UK ambassador to the United States?
26:37This is news that information about the negotiations
26:39was included in the release of a 147-page collection of documents
26:42on Mandelson's appointment and subsequent removal,
26:44following the emergence of more details
26:46about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:48Peter Mandelson has continually denied any wrongdoing.
26:51Could we have written a more fucking wordy way?
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55Fucking hell.
26:58So, what was the outcome of all this?
26:59The outcome was, he asked for half a million
27:02and they gave him about 70 grand,
27:04which just shows us the shit-hot negotiator
27:06we lost.
27:07LAUGHTER
27:09That's what you've got to do, man.
27:10I asked for 500 grand to do this show from TLC.
27:13Sure, I didn't get it, but I got £10 an episode
27:16and an appointment with Dr Pimple Popper.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19He said the reason he asked for £500,000 was because,
27:22what he said was,
27:23the actions of his majesty's government
27:26have permanently damaged his employability.
27:30Oh!
27:31He's 72.
27:32What, is he going to miss an internship now because of this?
27:35LAUGHTER
27:35I think we don't want to see, like, what he got.
27:38We should be able to see how he asked for it.
27:41You know, I want to see dragons,
27:43I'm asking for £500 now...
27:45LAUGHTER
27:45..to never work again...
27:47Yeah.
27:48..due to my links to an international super nonce.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:53Alleged super nonce.
27:54Yeah.
27:55No, I think we know that Epstein was a super nonce.
27:57I just want to...
27:58Oh, no.
27:59He's not going to steal us from beyond the grade.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:01It's a bold move.
28:03I almost respect him.
28:05Like, would I let him take my daughter on holiday?
28:07No, but he could get a John Lewis refund.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10He's going to make his real money in podcasts, though, isn't he?
28:13Oh, yeah.
28:13It's so obvious that no-one's going to get any consequences,
28:16and he's going to start a podcast with Andrew
28:18called The Rest Is Redacted.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22It's, um...
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24It's like me, I complained about a pizza at Domino's,
28:27and I was on the phone sort of back and forth for about 20 minutes,
28:30and then in the end they said,
28:31do you want some dough balls?
28:33And I just went, deal!
28:34And that was...
28:35I knew when I'd won, you know.
28:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:38You've got Pizza Express dough balls from Domino's.
28:40That is power.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43Well, did you want to just pretend you'd been at Pizza Express
28:45because it might be useful as an alibi later?
28:48LAUGHTER
28:48It's where people go.
28:50It's where people go.
28:51APPLAUSE
28:54This picture came out, you know, during all this...
28:56Honestly, you know, that's it, there you go.
28:58This looks like the eye view of the terrified child
29:01who's come to collect their ball they've kicked over the fence.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05It's quite gratifying that these, like,
29:07this rich, powerful cabal of men who are, like,
29:10secretly, basically, running the world, the elite,
29:14and they have the same chair and table you can buy from.
29:17Like, being king for 500 quid.
29:20That's what they're saying.
29:21It's a display model.
29:22We'll never sell it now.
29:23Get off it.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25Finally, an image more disturbing
29:27than when I caught my mum doing reverse cowgirl.
29:30LAUGHTER
29:35Is Andrew vaping?
29:37He looks like he's vaping.
29:38He'll do anything to impress a teen.
29:39Did you say vaping?
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42He said vaping, yeah?
29:44Yeah, I did say vaping.
29:45He's vaping, yeah.
29:45He's allegedly vaping.
29:47Allegedly, he is a vapist.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:52LAUGHTER
29:53Really out of water.
29:55LAUGHTER
29:57LAUGHTER
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58No jobs, no jobs.
29:59No, no, no.
30:00There's a lawyer with a pen going...
30:02LAUGHTER
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07It wasn't allegedly in there.
30:10At the end of that round, the points go to Scott, Rhys and Catherine.
30:13APPLAUSE
30:15APPLAUSE
30:17The next round is called audience question time.
30:20We throw ourselves open to the studio audience
30:21and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
30:24First up, is there a Nicky here, by the way?
30:26Hey, Nicky, how are you?
30:27I'm good, how are you?
30:28I'm very well, thanks for asking.
30:29And what question do you have for everyone here?
30:31What do you think is really overrated?
30:34QI.
30:36LAUGHTER
30:37I mean, it's just facts being explained slowly.
30:39I mean, I honestly...
30:39People can't even remember them, what's the point?
30:42LAUGHTER
30:43Any podcast that won't have me as a guest...
30:47..instantly becomes overrated in my mind.
30:49Surely there's no-one that wouldn't have you as a guest.
30:51There's loads, yeah.
30:52Off menu can go fuck itself.
30:55LAUGHTER
30:57Video doorbells.
30:58People say they're amazing
30:59because you can check in on them wherever you are.
31:01So you can be on a beach, you know,
31:03watching someone burgle your house.
31:05LAUGHTER
31:06And all you can do is try and persuade them to stop.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:10Any other's going, no, no, I'm just upstairs.
31:13I'm just inconvenienced at the moment.
31:14Please don't take my son's pants again.
31:17LAUGHTER
31:18They're holding up the stuff they're robbing like that.
31:20Have you got the charger for this?
31:23LAUGHTER
31:24I've got a similar thing.
31:25I think it's overrated.
31:26I think camera phones are overrated.
31:28I think looking at pictures of yourself
31:29actually makes you feel much worse about yourself,
31:31much more critical.
31:32I know that younger women look at women my age and older
31:35and think, oh, why are you walking around?
31:38You know, you look terrible.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:40Why don't you care about it?
31:41And the reason is that, like, when we were growing up,
31:43we had our photographs taken once a year at school,
31:47twice if someone brought an owl in.
31:49LAUGHTER
31:50For me, the most overrated thing is, like, productivity gurus
31:54and, like, cold shower people who, like, Wim Hoffit
31:56and do all of that.
31:57Cold shower in the morning.
31:58Because they always say it's got all these benefits,
31:59having a cold shower, ice cold shower.
32:00They're like, it really wakes you up in the morning.
32:02I'm like, yeah, of course it does.
32:03It's pouring ice cold water on yourself.
32:05That's how they wake up hostages.
32:07LAUGHTER
32:07That's a cuckoo clock in Guantanamo Bay.
32:09I'm a free man.
32:10I can do it.
32:11And then they'll be like, oh, it reduces stress.
32:13It's like, oh, does it?
32:13You know what I find stressful?
32:14Breathless goosebumps and a fully retracted penis.
32:16OK?
32:18You really hit your targets.
32:19That's because I've been waterboarding.
32:22Thank you very much, Ricky.
32:24APPLAUSE
32:26OK, for the next question, there's a Will somewhere in the audience.
32:28Hey, Will, how are you?
32:29What question do you have for everyone?
32:31What news would you most like to hear at the moment?
32:34Oh, Will...
32:34I would love to hear that Greenland and Canada
32:38have launched a successful invasion of America.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:46I really want sort of things for my friends,
32:49so I'd like Ed to get on Off Menu and Rhys to get on QI.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:53I'd love to hear that Trump has been an elaborate hoax by Derren Brown.
32:58LAUGHTER
32:59And I'd love that to be revealed by new Mock the Week host Rhys James.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:05I would like my teenage daughter to bring down the cups and bowls
33:08she's got in her bedroom.
33:10Yeah, cos at the moment we're a one-bowl family.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:15We're just passing it back and forth.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:19And, you know, I'm sick of eating my Weetabix out of a wok.
33:24Oh, you said bowls. I thought you said bones.
33:27Cups and bones.
33:28Cups and bones.
33:28No, there could be bones up there.
33:30I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised.
33:32LAUGHTER
33:32It's like an archaeological dig under her bed at the moment, so...
33:35How old is she?
33:3715.
33:37Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:39Good luck.
33:39They're pure evil.
33:40They're on TikTok so much,
33:42they're like instruments of the Chinese government at this point.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:45But they do bring them down.
33:46Is it a chance to leave them even near the dishwasher?
33:49No, they're inside the door of the kitchen.
33:51Magical fairies will take them from there to wherever.
33:53Oh, you wait till you get a husband.
33:56LAUGHTER
33:57That's the dream, Sarah.
33:58LAUGHTER
33:59He's out there somewhere.
34:02LAUGHTER
34:02My God, there's a radiator and it's just cups and bowls
34:05the entire way along the radiator.
34:06Yeah!
34:07Maybe unchain her from it, then.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:12APPLAUSE
34:14Thank you very much.
34:15And thank you all for all.
34:16It's hanging out.
34:18Join us again after the break.
34:23APPLAUSE
34:27The next line is called Between the Lines
34:29and features Hugh and Rhys.
34:30So, would you make your way to the press pit, please?
34:32Rhys delivers a speech in the guise of a leading figure
34:34on the world stage, while Hugh translates what they really mean.
34:37This week, Rhys is Ed Miliband.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:41He's still knocking about, is he?
34:44LAUGHTER
34:45Hello.
34:46Remember me?
34:47I am the political equivalent of tennis's Jamie Murray.
34:54LAUGHTER
34:57I know how effective wind is as an energy source.
35:01I am full of hot air.
35:04I am the choice of the party to replace Keir Starmer.
35:08Hard to believe I know.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:11We must learn to say no to Donald Trump.
35:15Especially when the question is, would you like a bacon sandwich?
35:20I am one of the few faces in the Cabinet that people recognise.
35:23They think I'm Wallace.
35:25LAUGHTER
35:26Chuck in cheese, Gromit.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:30By God you said that, I thought you meant Greg Wallace.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:34People mock my ideas as crazy.
35:36They won't be laughing when I'm driving my cheese-powered car
35:39to my house made of wool.
35:41LAUGHTER
35:43The Tories of course...
35:45The Tories of course...
35:49The Tories...
35:50OK.
35:51Why is your internal monologue interrupting your external monologue?
35:56Hugh, will you please let me continue my dream of pretending to be Ed Miliband?
36:01LAUGHTER
36:04I am all about net zero.
36:06That is my current approval rating.
36:09LAUGHTER
36:10Sadly, it is true that there are people in other countries who really hate us.
36:14My brother still isn't speaking to me.
36:17LAUGHTER
36:17Oil rig workers seem very keen for me to re-explore the North Sea.
36:22They kept trying to throw me out of their helicopter.
36:25LAUGHTER
36:25I want to reassure you, the Iran conflict will not affect your energy bills.
36:29I want to...
36:31LAUGHTER
36:32..but I can't.
36:33We are doomed!
36:34Sell up!
36:35Burn your furniture!
36:36Live in a tent!
36:39LAUGHTER
36:40Cuckoo!
36:44APPLAUSE
36:51Now we come to scenes we like to see.
36:54So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
36:56I'll read of this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
36:59OK, here we go.
37:00The first subject is...
37:05Well, despite looking run-down, dated and a bit sad,
37:09with just a bit of TLC, we can get him back in his chair,
37:12pressing his little buzzer.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:18Well, now it's time for a lick of paint and a sniff of glue.
37:23LAUGHTER
37:26A real fixer-upper.
37:28But the economy's bad and I decided to move in with him anyway.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:33It has some wonderful period features.
37:35The kitchen even has its own cholera outbreak.
37:38LAUGHTER
37:41Now, look at those wonderful exposed beams.
37:45Now, if the roof hadn't caved in, you wouldn't have seen those.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:50Well, they're renovating another property they've bought for a pound.
37:54But have they paid too much?
37:55Find out in Amanda and Alan's Chernobyl job.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:01With its sea views, excellent transport links and beautiful luxury accommodation,
38:06Epstein Island really is...
38:09LAUGHTER
38:10..the jewel in the craft.
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13OK, which one of the two is your least favourite?
38:16Right, well, don't send that one to private school and you can afford this flat.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:20Today we're going to be answering the most important question when buying a house.
38:25Why are estate agents such twats?
38:30Welcome to Homes Under The Hammer.
38:32This week it's Eamonn and the hammer is the sledgehammer.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38Well, I've pebble-dashed the wall.
38:40I'm sorry about that but I do feel a lot better.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:45And this property actually has its own blue plaque.
38:48I don't know much about the guy but I like the name Harold
38:50and seems he was some sort of sailor or ship man.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54LAUGHTER
38:56Welcome to Gran Designs.
38:58And here she is.
38:59Well, Gran, what have you designed...
39:02LAUGHTER
39:03LAUGHTER
39:03LAUGHTER
39:0521-year-old Callum is doing a fantastic job on this barn conversion.
39:09He's got the drawings done, the builders are on standby
39:11and now it's the tricky part of the project.
39:14Waiting for his parents to die.
39:16LAUGHTER
39:18Now, this one is a bit out of your price range
39:21but we've got a handy trick to knock a few grand off the asking price.
39:24We've spray-painted the word nonce on the garage.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29I think they're going to love this next house.
39:31It's near a school, it's everything they wanted
39:35and it's in the country.
39:36One problem.
39:37That country is Tajikistan.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:43Homes Under The Hammer, a programme aimed at entrepreneurs
39:46but watched mainly by the unemployed in their underpants,
39:49sitting in rented accommodation.
39:52LAUGHTER
39:54John here is looking for a new premises for his thesaurus shop
39:58and it's all about location, position, whereabouts.
40:02LAUGHTER
40:03Now, the primary bedroom does have en-suite potential
40:07if you're willing to take a shit in the wastebasket.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:13Right.
40:14So, apparently, that was a retaining wall.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:21I know people don't like estate agents but we are trustworthy.
40:25Now, in answer to your question, no, this flat does not have subsidence.
40:27You're going to be...
40:28LAUGHTER
40:30They've broken through the pelvic floor
40:32and breathed new life into this old fallopian tube.
40:36That's all coming up this week on Changing Wounds.
40:39LAUGHTER
40:41The next topic is...
40:43Things you don't want a relative to say.
40:45Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.
40:47You have to be on the step.
40:48You have to be on the step, you've got to be on the step, Ed.
40:49You've got to be on the step.
40:50You're not to blame, Ed.
40:51I know I'm not.
40:52You're not to blame.
40:52You're not to blame.
40:54It's changing when I say the thing and then you walk in.
40:56All right.
40:57Sorry, I've never done the show before.
40:58LAUGHTER
41:00Things you don't want a relative to say.
41:03Not...not you, Ed.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:08APPLAUSE
41:12Oh, in real life, Dara's a cunt.
41:15LAUGHTER
41:19Every third generation has a tiny penis.
41:22Your grandfather had one.
41:25LAUGHTER
41:28Hand jobs aren't incest, are they?
41:31LAUGHTER
41:34You look so much like your father, which is lucky,
41:37cos he's just got a speeding fine.
41:39LAUGHTER
41:41Can I ask some advice?
41:43How long are you supposed to wait before you say
41:44I love you for the first time?
41:46Cos it's been 34 years, Dad, just say it.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:51We're so excited to meet your girlfriend.
41:54Your dad's been a subscriber for months.
41:57LAUGHTER
41:58LAUGHTER
42:00This has been in our family for generations,
42:02and now I'm passing it on to you, son.
42:05Congratulations.
42:06You're going to be bold before you're 30.
42:09LAUGHTER
42:09Sorry.
42:10Sorry.
42:10LAUGHTER
42:11The family that plays together stays together.
42:15Who's up for Naked Twister?
42:17LAUGHTER
42:18OK, can I open another present?
42:20What's it going to be?
42:21Oh, it's rice.
42:22I hate Uncle Ben.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:26Oh, yeah, no, we've done the DNA,
42:28so we are 30% Anglo-Saxon,
42:3025% Scandinavian,
42:32and 15% sheep.
42:33Baa!
42:34LAUGHTER
42:36While you are under my roof,
42:38you will examine my stool samples.
42:41LAUGHTER
42:42Well, I'm sorry, son, but in this family,
42:45we support Tottenham Hotspur.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:50I've got bad news about your father.
42:53He's Robert Jenrick.
42:56LAUGHTER
42:58Oh, I used to change your nappies,
43:02fill them with heroin and take you over the border.
43:05LAUGHTER
43:07I just wish Mum and Dad were here to see this,
43:11but, er, they couldn't be arsed.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:17Your Uncle David died doing what he loved.
43:20Your Auntie Janet.
43:22LAUGHTER
43:24Yeah, it was a really difficult birth.
43:25I mean, he's absolutely huge.
43:26The full £30 completely ripped me in shreds,
43:29but, er, we've thought of a name.
43:31Dara O'Brien.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:37Well done, darling.
43:38You're finally going to be on Mock the Week.
43:41And it's not on the BBC.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:46The bad news is, it's hereditary.
43:48The good news is, you're adopted.
43:52LAUGHTER
43:54I'll just clean the table before you sit down.
43:57Your grandfather messed it up when he was railing me on it earlier.
44:01LAUGHTER
44:04God, I hate you, Dad.
44:05You're the worst dad in the world.
44:07You're even worse than that dad from Outnumbered.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:14At the end of that round,
44:15the points are going to Scott, Rhys and Catherine.
44:18APPLAUSE
44:22And that's the end of the show.
44:23This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:27APPLAUSE
44:28Commiserations to Catherine Ryan, Rhys James and Scott Bennett.
44:33Thanks for watching.
44:35I'm Daryl Green.
44:36Good night.
44:37APPLAUSE
44:39They're worried about this need to run
44:42To wrap the world of hope
44:45Don't believe in everything you can see out there
44:51Read all about it
44:53Read all about it
44:56This is the world, this is the world
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