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18:57first baby at 40 and then had one at 42 that's very old to become a mum and I
19:01think it's harder to have children later because you've had a nice life for
19:05longer you know exactly what you're missing out on because you used to have
19:10it you know in some ways I believe it's it is easier to have kids when you're
19:15young and just get it over with like my mum had me at 19 what's she gonna miss
19:18her exams nothing had happened to the woman she's only got one story I'm not
19:30in
19:30Russell let's see what your topic is let's spin the wheel and so it is language
19:37where you go lovely there's lots of new words for old things mindfulness sitting
19:45still overnight oats cold porridge polyamorous you're a shagga we blame
19:54animals sometimes with our language you know the phrase catfish someone goes
19:57online pretends to be someone else catfish don't do that they're not in the sea
20:01show us your tits I'm a dolphin
20:04that's us you ever seen a rat snitch ever seen a badger badger have you ever seen an
20:09elephant in a room go I know the Daily Mail doesn't know what the word shocking
20:14means it wasn't Prince Harry's documentary shocking no it was shit
20:20the Daily Mail doesn't know what the word shocking means I saw an article the other day that generally said
20:25shocking news can hackers secretly control our hot tubs
20:32how good is your life if that is a cause for concern Roger I can't sleep it's the jacuzzi
20:39we're being hacked it's the Russians Roger I can sense it like there's some operative in Moscow shall we destabilize
20:45their economy no let's make the outside bath less bubbly than they decide
20:52and this article went on apparently hackers can control your fridge your TV and my favourite your sex toy
20:57even if they could what's the worst that'll happen you'll have a lovely orgasm that's it
21:02at the very least that's a great excuse I can't stop it Brian it's Vladimir Putin
21:09five times has had me doing it today the KGB bastard
21:15sit in your chair
21:16the point I'm making
21:23that's the worst that's going to happen it's not like there's going to be remote control sex toys leaping out
21:27of cupboards chasing British men down the high street
21:29you're not going to switch on the news five more people with today dildo to death
21:35the footage is far too shocking but we do have their final words
21:38oh yeah
21:41oh fuck yeah
21:44and help me Brian my fanny hammer's gone loco
21:48here's Jenny with the weather
21:50shave yourself
21:52there you go
21:53there you go
21:53all right
21:54thank you very much well done points there to Russell
21:57well done
21:59everyone come back
22:03join us after the break for more mock the week
22:12welcome back to mock the week
22:15now we play a round called picture of the week
22:18I showed the panel topical image and asked to tell me what's happening
22:20so tease what's going on
22:22here
22:24ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh is this none of our business
22:30I mean in many ways yes but they drew the line
22:33er
22:35excuse me
22:38that is
22:40you're allergic to loving families
22:43what are you doing in person of Beckham's he's got a high face
22:48are you over are you all right have you recovered
22:49not really no I think I've got another one up there
22:51yeah
22:52I've been taking cocaine to get me through the Keir Starmer bits
22:57is Brooklyn saying mum hands where I can see them
23:01lowest scoring team on only connect ever
23:06is this actually a photo of four people of Victoria standing directly in front of Brooklyn's wife
23:13yeah
23:13has David Beckham got about 72 roses sticking out of his arse
23:17yeah why have they done this at an accident black spot
23:20yeah
23:23it's actually it's a metaphor for the relationship with the family that
23:26they're there so Victoria can roll around in them later like American Beauty and go is this inappropriate
23:32yeah
23:34that is Brooklyn Beckham in happier times with his now estranged parents
23:39Victoria and David
23:40that's absolutely right thank you very much
23:42and you're absolutely right yes
23:45of course it is Brooklyn David and Victoria Beckham
23:48pictured during as you say happier times
23:50the family had probably fallen out after Brooklyn accused David and Victoria of controlling him
23:54in a statement released on social media
23:56what were some of the claims made by Brooklyn
23:58the big thing that's come out is that apparently his mum was dancing inappropriately at his wedding
24:04which is not shock news for a mum to dance inappropriately at her son's wedding
24:10at my wedding my mum was grinding up against Greg Davies for an hour
24:16I don't know if you ever it was like a bear against a tree
24:22I see a little bit of a dance and my mum going I'll give you a taskmaster
24:28I do think it's mum's prerogatives at a wedding
24:30my mum wore a white dress to my sister's wedding
24:33and then when anyone asked why she was like I paid for it it's my day
24:39all the photographs you see of Victoria Beckham
24:41she's standing in that same weird way where she's just like
24:44just it was slightly
24:45you know those toys where you
24:48oh yes
24:50and you press the button and it collapses
24:53she's like someone's just pressed the button in just a tiny bit and she's going
24:56hmm
25:01take your thumb out
25:02so yeah they played we have all the time in the world
25:06and then she's just stood there and just
25:08and stood there
25:10I think it's great because for years we wondered what zig-a-zig-a means
25:14and now we know it's give a lap dance to your firstborn
25:18he wrote it all on Instagram didn't he
25:20in like three Instagram posts
25:22and I read it and I just thought I'm really pleased David Beckham can't read
25:26tell him
25:27he'd be sad now if he could
25:29it wasn't he
25:30it is mad though because we know so much about him like they sold a photo of him as a
25:37fetus
25:37so photos of him as a baby as a teen yet we know where he was made
25:42like he's called Brooke
25:45I'm not called Ford Cortina Howard
25:49it's like when will they ever have enough money do you know what I mean
25:52like the Beckhams will have enough money they don't need to keep doing brand deals and everything
25:56it's different I'm only here because I want a conservatory
26:02I'm with Russell as a stand-up comedian I am horrified by the notion of somebody mining their personal life
26:12one of the arguments is that they currently make any money from his name because Victoria owns his name
26:20which is pretty weird just the idea of your mum going whatever you do will be mine
26:24but don't you think that's a lie that you say to your son if he kept publishing that photography
26:29I think it's a lie they've said to stop him doing the other businesses
26:32I think it goes the other way I think he's like an Isis hostage
26:36and they're just sort of taking photos of him going I'm in a great time my captors are excellent
26:40but Dad I don't know how to cook
26:44the thing about them owning his name though is if he they wanted him to sign away one of the
26:48things he played about is they wanted him to sign away
26:49his name yeah right but as soon as he signs it it's not his name anymore and so he hasn't
26:54signed
26:56if you said that to David Beckham that would kill him
27:01look on Dara's face I did
27:04imagine what he'd do to Paul Beckham
27:06his feet would fall off
27:08I have a lot in common with Brooklyn Beckham because I know you're not called Ford Cortina Howard but I
27:13was actually named after where I was conceived
27:15oh yeah
27:16ah yeah
27:20it's a complicated process isn't it to estrange yourself from your parents if you're in the public eye and these
27:26days having to post on Instagram
27:28and everything because in my day if you wanted to get rid of your parents you just told them you
27:31were gay or voted Labour
27:34my favourite part of this whole story though is that the person that went on the news to sort of
27:37expose what the truth is DJ Fat Tony
27:39yeah
27:40that can not be the arbiter of truth in a national news story
27:43most people are judged by like a select committee or a jury of their peers
27:47and this is introducing DJ Fat Tony
27:49boo boo boo boo boo boo
27:52Victoria gu gu gu gu gu guilty
27:53did you see him? he's not even fat
27:57can't believe a word he says
27:59I'm beginning to doubt the Tony thing
28:01yeah
28:01is he now Manjaro Tony?
28:05Tony on the decks here
28:07has Brooklyn not essentially given them what they want? I mean they've always aspired to be the alternative royal family
28:12they sit on thrones and all that and now their son has pissed off with his wife to America and
28:17left the family
28:18you can't get more royal family than that
28:20I think it's a heartwarming story of somebody gaining their independence and being able to turn to their parents and
28:25go
28:25no I don't need your money anymore
28:26I've married more money!
28:29this is what I love
28:31money money money money money
28:32this is what I love because she has a lot more money than him and I earn a lot more
28:37money than my husband
28:38and I don't think you hear enough from
28:39get on your seat
28:41you hear enough from us about the benefits of it
28:44ok so yes there's boring stuff like you pay the mortgage and you pay the bills
28:46but when Lily Allen released her song Pussy Palace
28:48about how her husband had another house and she thought it was a dojo
28:51and then she went round there and she found out it's a Pussy Palace
28:54if my husband wanted a Pussy Palace he would have to ask me to buy him one
28:58and I would probably say no
29:00like you'd weigh it up first and go
29:02I think I'd say I think you'd enjoy it more if you saved up for it
29:16yeah
29:23yeah
29:30yeah
29:32yeah
29:32yeah
29:32yeah
29:32it's not to reform the Conservative Party
29:33yeah
29:35I've always read it wrong
29:37but it's not
29:38to be honest find this kind of unacceptable
29:40because basically what happened was
29:42is that everyone sort of ended up having a lot of contempt for the Tories
29:45wanted rid of the Tories and now those exact same Tories have just moved over to a different party
29:51and they're claiming that it's completely different and everyone knows it's exactly the same
29:55like you can't just do that right
29:57you can't just get increasingly unpopular somewhere and then jump over somewhere else and act like it never happened can
30:02you?
30:11hang on
30:12hang on am I am I the Farage or the Braver Man in this situation?
30:16or the Generic? who am I in this situation? and who are you by the way in this situation? no
30:21people change people grow
30:25Tories they're losing members more members of the House of Lords in a cold winter
30:31also by the way for a party who preaches what they preach reform has some pretty open borders
30:37it's the most free movement promoting party in the world
30:41are you allowed to do this though? if you're allowed to just be losing and then claim
30:45oh no I'm changing to the other team
30:47if you're playing against Man United and you score it own goal
30:50you can't then be like but guess what I play for Man United now
30:54it's a real goal
30:57and it's not just that it's former Tories
30:58it's that specific group of formatories from the like real dying days dregs of that government
31:05and it's sort of like reformer now if a builder came to your house and was just like
31:09don't know what cowboys you had around here last time
31:12and it was like it was you
31:15it was you
31:16you're wearing a different hat
31:18it is you
31:19what's baffling is
31:21is that nobody kind of seems to call Faraj in the media
31:25he's still on Cameo
31:26like you can't be the Prime Minister and have a side hustle
31:29Keir Starmer's bad but he's not on Facebook Marketplace
31:33does that mean that constituents in Clacton can't get a face to face with their MP
31:37but they could pay £25 and ask him to say it in a message
31:40yeah
31:40and if their name was Hugh Janus he would definitely do it
31:46okay let's move on to what was clearly the story of the week if not the year
31:50what has a cow in Austria been recorded doing with a broom for the first time
31:53playing Quidditch
31:56phenomenally well she caught the snitch
31:58this is a cow that can apparently pick up a broom
32:02yes
32:03and well it says scratch herself with it
32:06it looks like she's just hitting herself with it
32:07which I think she's basically self-tenderizing
32:13we need to make a milanese out of you could you start the process early
32:16yeah
32:18I saw that it was a story about a cow using a tool and I thought oh it's the Beckham's
32:22all over it
32:25Veronica the cow this is Veronica in action Veronica use a broom has evolved and I don't use that word
32:31lightly but I'm definitely using it
32:32has evolved the ability to pick up a broom and then scratch her own back using the broom
32:38what they said as well is that she apparently she uses the bristles to scratch the top
32:42and then uses the other end for the more sensitive areas
32:46which I think is quite sweet but if I was the farmer that looks after this cow I'd be more
32:52worried about why my cow's udders are so itchy
32:56it's just out of shot in that there's another cow sat in a chair just
33:04she really is going at her tender areas there isn't she which makes you think you know even a cow's
33:10better than a man at finding a clitoris
33:14you'd look so dodgy if you were the farmer though eh
33:16if you were just filming that going no no no it's for the news
33:22well the dark part of the story is that now that she's learned how to use a brush the next
33:25thing the farmer is going to teach her how to use is a bolt gun
33:29that's how we end the round
33:33do you know where meat comes from
33:36yes
33:37er okay at the end of the round the points go to Angela, Ed and Tara
33:44join us again after the mate for more Mark the Week
33:53welcome back to Mark the Week we now come to a game called Between the Lines
33:57features Ed and Rhys could you make your way to the press pit please
34:01Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage
34:04while Ed will translate what they really mean
34:06this week Rhys is Prince Harry
34:10thank you
34:12hello everyone
34:13what oh peasants
34:16it's great to be in England but I'm loving life in America with my wife
34:20help me
34:20I've been totally mistaken I want to come home
34:23it is important I have tight security whenever I visit England
34:28I'm worried my family will try and kill me
34:31I am committed to continuing the great work my mother started
34:34I'm committed to breaking up the royal family and becoming a celebrity
34:38I had frank and honest conversation with King Charles yesterday
34:41I said shut up you're not my real dad
34:51since giving up my title people feel I serve no real purpose
34:56before giving up my title people felt I served no real purpose
35:00my wife is passionate about her role
35:03she's up for a lead in the reboot of Desperate Housewives
35:07climate change is real we must act
35:10I'm flying to 42 countries in the next two months to raise awareness
35:15I was horrified when my phone was tapped to reveal embarrassing personal revelations
35:19devastating I was planning to put all that stuff in my new book
35:24my family will always be welcome to visit me in America
35:27apart from Andrew obviously
35:30my father the king has given me plenty of advice on what to do
35:34he told me to piss off and shut the fuck up
35:37well done
35:38thank you very much
35:42now we come to scenes we'd like to see
35:46don't know if we can make the way over to the performance area
35:49I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with
35:52okay here we go the first subject is
35:55unlikely slogans for British towns and cities
35:58Glasgow fucking hello
36:06Swindon city of culture unfortunately it's mostly thrush
36:14Clacton don't worry he's almost never here
36:20welcome to London and enjoy that phone while it lasts
36:26Bristol you don't have to live on a barge to look like you do
36:33welcome to Luton or as easy just call us London
36:40why are we called Cockermouth
36:41oh you'll find out
36:47Canvey Island in the world's best island rankings
36:50we're still behind Epstein's one
36:55Blackpool because your nan have to be a slag somewhere
37:01ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university
37:04discover Peterborough
37:10want to leave London but not give up your drug habits
37:13come to Margate
37:16come to Yorkshire where we've got the word the down to a T
37:27welcome to Kendall there's so much to see and do oh you've had the cake already oh yeah
37:35visit Croydon and instantly feel better about all your life choices
37:42bath Jane Austen once lived here and we won't let you fucking forget it
37:50Southampton the people who left on the Titanic still feel like they made the righteous
38:00visit Portsmouth no fair enough
38:09Hereford also for him a foot
38:19A foot barrel scrape
38:22Sarah do that one again and I'll just both take a seat
38:30Welcome to Eton
38:31Britain's cunt factory
38:38Wet Wang
38:38We're a real place
38:39Genuinely that's our name Wet Wang
38:41The whole reason we call it that is so people would come here and no one's coming here
38:44Wet
38:44Wet
38:44What do we need to do?
38:45Wet
38:49Muff
38:50We're a real place
38:51What do we have to do?
38:52We're actually killed Muff
38:55Finger in home
38:56Finger in home
38:58We're in Essex
38:59We're on the front of buses
39:00Come on guys
39:01What's wrong with you?
39:08Shitstorm
39:09It's not a place.
39:14Welcome to Kent.
39:16Not you.
39:24The next happening is unlikely lines from a romantic novel.
39:30As he pulled down his trousers, the look in her eyes told him everything he needed to know.
39:34He would never present MasterChef again.
39:40You ride quite well, Mr. Darcy.
39:43But has it gone soft? I can't feel a thing.
39:48What about 69, she said, hopefully.
39:53No, lady, he said.
39:55If you don't get the code right, I can't leave your Nando's.
39:59Treat me like a real woman, she moaned.
40:02So he took credit for all her ideas in a meeting.
40:10If I know what love is, it's because of you.
40:12And the way you're always banging on about it.
40:18Here, John, you seem like that, Jaseel.
40:25Her cleavage was impressive, but he wouldn't let that distract him from finally breaking up with her.
40:30He took a deep breath and said,
40:32We've made some lovely mammaries, but I think tits breasts, we boob on.
40:38Yes, yes, yes, get more of that inside me now, she screamed.
40:44Nigella was taken to the bake-off gig like a duck to water.
40:49She lowered her voice, sultry.
40:52Shall we take this to the bedroom, look at our phones for a bit, then go to sleep?
41:00The handsome doctor held the door for her.
41:03And they say chivalry is dead, she swooned.
41:05No, I said your grandfather is dead.
41:14I wish I hadn't organised that orgy in the dark, she said.
41:17I don't know what came over me.
41:24She removed his trousers and underwear and gasped.
41:28Oh, it's like a penis, she said, but smaller.
41:34He was too shy to tell her his fetish,
41:36so instead he went to the beach and made sure that he got stung by a jellyfish.
41:44Piss.
41:48I've never done it this way before, he said.
41:51Normally it's just me, a rope and a wedge of orange.
41:57Chapter 10.
41:58Details that will make chapter 9 make sense.
42:01The ammonia in urine reduces the pain from a jelly sting.
42:06You've illuminated on.
42:07It's also a very arousing thing for some people,
42:10and we don't kink shame here.
42:14I've had thousands of lovers, but no-one like you.
42:17Your lips are as red as the blood in my urine.
42:25Can I get some of that urine on me?
42:31Wow, Ron thought.
42:32Harry was right.
42:33If you used your left hand,
42:35it really did feel like someone else was doing it.
42:39As he stared at her voluptuous naked body,
42:41curves the likes of which he'd never seen before,
42:43he thought, wow, what other images can Grok make for me?
42:49Fuck her, moist.
42:56No, I'm proper, like, gushing.
43:05She unlaced her bodice and ground her crotch against his thigh
43:10until he could take it no longer.
43:12And Brooklyn shouted, Mum, you're ruining my wedding!
43:16At the end of that round,
43:18the points go to Angela, Ed and Sarah.
43:24And that's the end of the show.
43:27This week's winners are Ahir Shah,
43:29Rhys James and Russell Howard.
43:33Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Ed Byrd and Sarah Pascoe.
43:40I'm Darren Wroon.
43:40Good night.
43:42Good night.
43:45Read about the things that happen
43:47It's about the world
43:48You won't believe in everything
43:52You should have been up
43:56Read all about it
43:59Read all about it
44:01It's about the world
44:03It's about the world
44:07.
44:07It's about the world
44:07and everything
44:07And I need oll
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