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00:00This has to stop. You have to change.
00:03I will.
00:07Bless you!
00:09LAUGHTER
00:12APPLAUSE
00:27Welcome!
00:28And on the show tonight...
00:31I know what I reckon you want me to do here.
00:34A malfunctioning prop...
00:35We have a little incident here.
00:38Getting caught on the hop...
00:40And it's lost to me for a moment, but I'm back with news and politics now.
00:46And an unscheduled bus stop.
00:50Whoa!
00:54So, let's kick off the cock-ups.
00:59We start with Ant & Dec's Saturday night takeaway,
01:02and their game, Ring My Bell.
01:04But whose doorbell will be going live tonight?
01:07Yes! Very good!
01:08Now, we're going to another one in three, two, one!
01:13Ding-dong! That's my doorbell!
01:15That is your doorbell, Parath-Shohan, from Birmingham.
01:19That is your video doorbell.
01:21So...
01:22To win a prize, she'll need her neighbours to run over to her house
01:25with some dirty laundry.
01:27Dirty laundry!
01:28They're hopefully not too dirty.
01:29It is a family show.
01:30The dirtier, the better.
01:32He likes it dirty.
01:3445 seconds.
01:35Your time starts now!
01:38Who's that?
01:39What? What's this?
01:40Who's that?
01:41That's a bit quick, isn't it?
01:43She must have been at the door already.
01:45Hello?
01:46Cynthia.
01:48Hello, Cynthia.
01:49Hello, Cynthia.
01:50Cynthia.
01:50Hi.
01:51Yes.
01:53You're live on Anand X Saturday Night Takeaway.
01:56Have you got any dirty laundry with you?
01:59And you can't ask that of a lady.
02:04Cynthia!
02:07Cynthia, I might need to speak to the people behind you.
02:11Yeah, don't press it.
02:12Cynthia, don't press it again.
02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:15It's going well, isn't it?
02:17Somebody say it, ring my bell.
02:18Ring my bell!
02:18Yes!
02:20Who's that?
02:20What's your name?
02:21What's your name?
02:22Oh, no, what's been going on?
02:25This is chaos.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:29That's why we love it.
02:30Cynthia, if you could just move out of the way, darling.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:34Cynthia.
02:35Sit there, darling.
02:37Pat, do you know her?
02:39She's your neighbour.
02:41Right, someone in front, what's your name?
02:42What number do you live at, please?
02:45Madam?
02:45Not you!
02:46Not you!
02:52Oh, we're on your side, Cynthia.
02:54You were there first.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:58Right, that's it, we'll move her out of the way.
03:00Bye, darling!
03:01LAUGHTER
03:03Can we vote for Cynthia for Best Newcomer
03:05at the National Television Awards?
03:07She'd get my vote.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:08We might need to move on,
03:10but because we can see a lot of people there with dirty laundry,
03:14you win £500.
03:16And the one thing that I'm going to do,
03:16this woman who got their first...
03:18This woman here, who got their first £80 and over,
03:21wins £500 as well.
03:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:27And just to be clear, Cynthia wins now.
03:31Our Dancing on Ice champions,
03:34Ryan and Amade!
03:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:47OK, big arms.
03:49OK, big arms.
03:50OK.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:56Nearly.
03:57Yeah.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Ryan, that's not what they meant when they said break a leg.
04:00Yeah, can we get this off?
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03OK.
04:04I'd say put some ice on it,
04:06but it was the ice that hurt you in the first place.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:14Emmerdale.
04:15We all love it for the way it balances serious drama
04:17with light-hearted moments of comedy.
04:20Some actors are so good, they can emote sorrow and silliness,
04:24all in the same line.
04:27I don't care.
04:29Cos all that matters to me right now is you.
04:34And tomorrow, or the next day,
04:37when you're out with your mates,
04:40I'll have a drink and I think,
04:42and it'll build and build,
04:44and God knows what I'll do.
04:48I hear BAFTA calling.
04:54Oh, say.
04:56You know yourself so well, are you all right?
04:58Oh, they've hung up.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01Can you take care?
05:02I'm sorry.
05:04It's Changing Ends,
05:06the autobiographical comedy about Alan Carr's childhood.
05:10And I'm afraid to say this next scene stinks,
05:13although that's nothing to do with the acting
05:15and more to do with the catering.
05:18Alan! Oh, my God!
05:20Graham!
05:21Graham!
05:22Yeah?
05:24I think he's dead.
05:26No, he just made a smell like death.
05:28HE LAUGHS
05:28He will be dead in a minute cos I'm going to kill him.
05:31Is that another one?
05:33Oh, my God!
05:34Oh, no!
05:35It's the Taco Bell!
05:36It's the Taco Bell!
05:36You did it!
05:37It's the Taco Bell!
05:38Yes, I'm afraid he did.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:43A league of their own, and in sport, there are no second chances.
05:48But thankfully, in comedy, they do let you have another go.
05:51OK, now, let's move on to England cricket captain Ben Stokes.
05:54Here he is after a tea break was called, and he remembered that they were jammy Dodgers.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59Obviously, that would have worked if I'd have read it like an actual f***ing person.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:04OK, now, let's move on to England cricket captain Ben Stokes.
06:07Here he is after a tea break was called, and he remembered that they had...
06:10Oh, f***ing my life.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:16LAUGHTER
06:16We're off to the Wirral for Goet,
06:19a sitcom full of talented young actors who have no problem slipping into character.
06:24It's slipping into costume they struggle with.
06:27So, what are you doing here, then?
06:28Is that secret millionaire show coming back for the posh kids?
06:32Oh, I can't get it on, sorry.
06:34I can't get it on.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Back to changing ends, where nothing has changed at all.
06:40Oh, Sean, was that you?
06:42That was me growling.
06:44Oh, no, did you... Can you feel that?
06:46No, it's not me. I would not do that.
06:48Oh, Colin!
06:48I would not do that in a car. Is that you?
06:51No, it wasn't me.
06:52Are you smoking, darling?
06:54Yeah.
06:54Who said the ride did the crime?
06:57He's got you there.
06:58Yeah.
07:00What's going on?
07:02I'm not gridlocked.
07:03Gridlocked?
07:04I haven't gone anywhere.
07:06Mexico City, and another Breaking Dad road trip for Bradley and Barney Walsh.
07:11Where's he going?
07:12Usually, it's Barney's stunts that get Bradley's blood pumping.
07:15Oh, you've been had on toast there.
07:16Oh!
07:17But today, a simple trip across town will do it.
07:20It's all gone horribly. Oh, you can't.
07:22Oh, you can't.
07:22Am I coming?
07:24What the...?
07:25Uh-oh.
07:26Coming through.
07:30Oh!
07:32Whackly windmill, I can't see Jack now.
07:35Can you see now?
07:35Push it.
07:36Push it forward a bit.
07:37Bring it slightly back a bit.
07:39Push it forward a bit.
07:40Could have been worse.
07:41You could have both been on a bike.
07:43You're hopeless at that.
07:44Yeah, this has been hard work driving around here.
07:54Cock-ups on live TV now.
07:57When that red light comes on, you can't rely on anything,
08:01not even on the laws of physics.
08:03So, cats at the top of the board.
08:04I've assumed the position.
08:06Three, two, one.
08:09Here we go.
08:10Making its way slowly down.
08:12Very slowly down.
08:14Now, hold on a sec.
08:16So, we have a little incident here.
08:19This occasionally happens on a show that I do that's not...
08:22Does it really, Benjamin?
08:23You never see it, though, because, of course, we can edit it.
08:26This is live.
08:26So, I'm going to take this out, we're going to drop it again.
08:29Lovely, Ben.
08:30There'll be no edit today, so play nice with Cat,
08:33or we won't be able to cut out the bit where she clobbers you.
08:35Thank you, thank you.
08:37It's the first time this week
08:38and you've already broken the board, just pointing that out.
08:43Right, I can break other things, too, you know.
08:46OK, right, ready?
08:50With Lorraine away, Ranveer is learning about the ways
08:53we can all improve our memory from Dr Amir Khan.
08:56But in the words of the bard,
08:58Physician, heal thyself.
09:00If you're feeling indulgent, dark chocolate in small quantities
09:03and red wine, again, in small quantities,
09:06do contain polyphenols as well.
09:08That can improve your memory.
09:10Now, there is something else as well, Viagra...
09:12Viagra?
09:14Hi, Viagra.
09:15Hi, Viagra.
09:16Morning, Amir.
09:18Ranveer, don't be too hard on him.
09:22Research has also shown that Viagra can improve memory
09:27in men who take it regularly.
09:30Hmm, maybe it's time to start popping
09:32those little blue pills yourself.
09:34It's dementia by 18%.
09:37On Loose Women, Anton Dubeck proves why you should never,
09:41ever leave a guest in charge of anything important.
09:44One more question for you.
09:46One more question for you.
09:47Go ahead.
09:47How much can they win in our competition?
09:49900,000!
09:51No!
09:5390!
09:5490,000 pounds!
09:55It's 90!
09:5690!
09:5790,000 pounds!
09:59Don't got him going!
10:01Don't got him going!
10:0290,000.
10:04I'm never having him here again.
10:05Too late.
10:06I've already entered.
10:07And I'm going to be furious if I don't win my 900k.
10:14Presenting Good Morning Britain,
10:16Rob Rinder is about to be faced with his past,
10:18and it could end up with Kate on trial.
10:21Talking of things remaining hidden,
10:23we have a photo...
10:24Yes!
10:25..from your student days.
10:27Oh!
10:28Thanks, Mum.
10:28I don't want to love you,
10:29but just look towards that camera over there.
10:32You look very similar.
10:34You haven't aged a bit.
10:35You haven't really changed.
10:36You look good.
10:37Have you always bleached your hair when you were little?
10:40Bleached my hair?
10:41Bleached blonde?
10:42Bleached blonde?
10:42Have you always been bleached blonde?
10:43Have you always loved it?
10:44But you actually think I dyed my hair?
10:46Awkward!
10:49Is that true?
10:50You don't dye your hair?
10:52I always assumed you did!
10:54Are you serious?
10:55I am serious!
10:56Yes!
10:57Are you really blonde?
10:59Are you naturally that blonde?
11:00I don't know how to prove this to you
11:02in a way that's tolerable in the morning.
11:04Oh!
11:07Once a judge, always a judge.
11:09I think he's just found Kate in contempt.
11:16On Morning Live, a discussion about interest rates
11:19has piqued the interest of someone not in the studio.
11:23Lloyds, Halifax and Bank of Scotland are hiking their overdraft rates across several accounts.
11:29Their rates are split into...
11:31Hang on a minute.
11:31Hang a minute.
11:31Let's stop the baby monitor on Jeanette's phone before Caroline.
11:34Stop trying to hide it.
11:37She's on the WhatsApp group.
11:38She's on the WhatsApp group.
11:39It's still out of the WhatsApp group.
11:40I know.
11:41I'm so sorry.
11:42No at all.
11:43Is she okay?
11:44Is she okay?
11:44She's all good.
11:45She's fine.
11:46Some people's finances aren't.
11:48Let's start again.
11:49What's going on with all of us?
11:49Not at all and we know she's alright.
11:52Overdraft?
11:52Oh, I think we'd all rather go back to the baby monitor.
11:55That's such a thing.
11:56Thank you very much, Laura.
12:06Coming up, cock-ups on quiz shows.
12:09And these shows do have devoted fans.
12:11But will they still be devoted after they've taken part?
12:14Now, tell me, did you used to watch the show when it was on?
12:18Religiously, yeah.
12:19I watched it with my nan all the time.
12:21But what could put her off watching it from now on?
12:25Find out after the break.
12:51Now, tell me, did you used to watch the show when it was on?
12:55Religiously, yeah.
12:56I watched it with my nan all the time.
12:58We've got a picture of you with your nan.
13:00Oh, it's not me.
13:01I think it's the dog.
13:02Oh.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:12Wow.
13:13Wow.
13:14Wow.
13:14I tell you what, you look great there, Katie.
13:17I just had a haircut, so it's looking pretty good.
13:20So who's done with her?
13:21No offence taken, she still loves the show.
13:24Just not Stephen.
13:28Alan Carr's epic game show.
13:30Alan Carr's epic game show.
13:30And when playing for charity, the celebrities have to hope that they have all the answers.
13:35Although there is such a thing as too much information.
13:38Oh, you've just got four moves, love.
13:41I'm getting a right bead on in this roll neck, Alan.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45I have got such a river in my valley.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:49Oh, Richard.
13:50What a lovely way to phrase something so unpleasant.
13:54Strike the screen.
13:56Strike me, you mean.
13:57Yeah.
13:59Ridiculous.
14:00Where sometimes the most ridiculous things are the instructions Henry has received before
14:04the show.
14:06Henry, should we have another riddle for the viewers?
14:10Yes.
14:11Sorry.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:14I was told before to not say absolutely.
14:16I had a moment about to say absolutely.
14:18I didn't say no.
14:19No, I'm going to say no.
14:19No, actually.
14:20Sorry, sorry.
14:25Catchphrase.
14:25And there's only one thing more stressful than playing to win money for yourself.
14:29And that's playing to win money for charity.
14:31You've won a mighty £700 for your charity.
14:34Remind us where it's going to and what they do.
14:36Hang on.
14:37Hang on.
14:37I'm going to say this now without laughing.
14:39Because that's .
14:40Hang on.
14:41Hang on.
14:42It's not funny.
14:44OK, don't worry.
14:44Hang on.
14:45Well, I'll take it if nobody wants it.
14:48Ask me again.
14:50Riddle me this.
14:51How is Henry getting on with those notes?
14:54That is it for part one.
14:55Henry, how about another riddle for the viewers to solve over the break?
14:59Let's do it.
15:01Sorry.
15:03The best thing you ever did was to stop Henry from saying absolutely.
15:08Countdown, where two contestants are aiming for a score that is high by going in a direction that is low.
15:15What's the sex, Thomas?
15:16Vagina.
15:17And Mike?
15:18Vaginas.
15:19Vaginas.
15:19The extra letter wins.
15:21There you go.
15:22And, er, it's amazing the difference between one vagina and two.
15:26Very different.
15:31Brendan?
15:34I know what I reckon what you want me to do here.
15:36I know what to do.
15:38Poor Colin.
15:39He knows that this kind of chat at two o'clock in the afternoon is a bit saucy, even for
15:44Channel
15:444.
15:45What do you want to say?
15:46OK.
15:47You can do this, Colin.
15:49OK.
15:51Mike?
15:52Vaginas.
15:53Oh.
15:54Such a big difference the S makes.
15:56A whole different world with an S.
15:58It is.
15:59I can't argue with you.
16:00Yeah, there you go.
16:02Good.
16:02Continue.
16:03Seven.
16:04Anything else other than vaginas?
16:06I can offer you a couple of iguanas.
16:12Colin, that's not even a euphemism.
16:16I can't imagine how you cope when a contestant asks for two from the top and the rest from
16:20the bottom.
16:29News now.
16:30And, of course, the news waits for no one.
16:32Not even him.
16:37You see that?
16:38Somebody's obviously late for work this morning.
16:41Somebody's hopefully bringing us a cup of tea, John.
16:43Hopefully that's what that is.
16:45At that speed, you'll be lucky if there's any left in the mug.
16:52Another unpredictable day in Westminster makes life equally unpredictable for those who
16:58have to cover it.
17:00Well, thanks very much indeed.
17:01That is...
17:02Sorry, I was just having a hair crisis.
17:03I'm going to be honest.
17:04All right.
17:05All right.
17:05Just check it's all right.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Yeah, it looks like what normally looks like.
17:08My hair looks messy.
17:09And it flustered me for a moment.
17:11But I'm back with news and politics now.
17:15That is our top story.
17:17I think the top story should be Adil's bright new future as a hair and makeup artist.
17:23What do you need to be a news reader?
17:25Well, the most important thing is GSOH.
17:28That's good sense of humour for those of you not on any dating apps.
17:32But over the last 20 years, the number of hazel dormice, yes, hazel dormice, has declined by as much as
17:3970% across the UK.
17:40It's hoped a new project which sees them re-released into their natural habit could help to restore the population.
17:48Is it habit or habitat?
17:49I'm probably going to get emails about this.
17:51Well, it's habit on the autocue.
17:53So what can I say?
17:54Nicola Hassler has more.
17:55I'm Ron Burgundy.
17:57Reporting on extreme weather in Victoria, one Aussie journalist is unaware of how attractive her green dress is to her
18:04fans.
18:05Good morning.
18:06There is an extreme fire weather warning in place for most of the state.
18:10There's more than 1,000 homes and businesses that still have no electricity nine days on.
18:16So a wild day of weather ahead, Carl.
18:19Look at the size of that.
18:21I hope it doesn't expect to co-present a credit.
18:25Oh, is it?
18:26Ah!
18:27Get it off!
18:29Ah!
18:29Lovely mood.
18:30It's like she's pitching cockroach cum dancing or dancing on lice.
18:34By the way, just as I looked up, it was just going off your shoulder.
18:38I'm like, oh!
18:39Oh!
18:42On location, there's only one thing worse than the public spoiling your shot.
18:46That's the crew doing it.
18:47We can see you.
18:49Hello, good evening.
18:50Welcome to the BBC News at 6, live from the Holyrood Parliament in Edinburgh on a tumultuous day in Scottish
18:58politics.
18:58In Germany, they're testing Ed Sheeran's spicy sauce to see if it gives members of the public shivers.
19:05Must be a slow news day.
19:06We have the chili sauce from Ed Sheeran under the Londoner gebracht.
19:11Don't worry.
19:12You don't need a GCSE in German to understand what goes wrong.
19:16No, no, not the Bob Ritz.
19:20Does anyone know the German for a five-second rule?
19:26Now, John has some breaking news.
19:29There are not many people on television who can pull off wearing neon yellow without looking washed out.
19:35But the BBC's Ben Boulos looks good in everything.
19:38That high-vis jacket almost suits him too well.
19:42Goods and services were still rising in price compared with 12 months ago.
19:48But the rate at which those prices are rising has slowed down again.
19:52Now, they look at a typical basket of goods and services.
19:55I don't work here.
19:56I'm just doing the news.
19:57Sorry.
19:59Ben, if you don't want to get interrupted, next time, try wearing camo.
20:04What was happening just then?
20:08Well, I can tell you the aubergines are the Peppers £12 a box.
20:11So, if you want any, I'll pick some up for you.
20:13I feel your pain, Ben.
20:14I was once mistaken for a flight attendant just because I was wearing a cravat and following along with the
20:19safety demo.
20:20Thanks for fitting us into your shift at the market this morning.
20:23That's very kind of you.
20:31A big thank you to all the stars and talented production staff for their funny mistakes.
20:36Before we go, let's spend a moment with the creme de la crime, McDonald and Dodds.
20:43And action.
20:48Ready, man.
20:49When it comes to forensic detail, these two don't miss a thing.
20:56Wrong way, guys.
20:57The other door.
20:59This way.
21:01We're still rolling.
21:02All right.
21:03We're set and...
21:05Action.
21:07I suppose even the best of us can have an off day.
21:09Ready, man.
21:16Again?
21:17I take it all back.
21:20How did they ever make it through police training?
21:22Yeah.
21:23I was going to do that as a joke.
21:25I thought, no, because we haven't got time.
21:27Ready, man.
21:29Take three and finally they get it right.
21:35Case closed.
21:37Thanks for watching and good night.
21:58Bye.
22:02Bye.
22:03Bye.
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