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00:05I wonder how much arse tattoos are.
00:08Hello, this is Joe and I'm doing the voiceover for this program about going on holiday on the cheap.
00:13Because like any normal person, I love a sweet arse bargain.
00:17It's free to get in.
00:1810% off.
00:20Bargain.
00:20So with my friend, Katherine Ryan.
00:22Ah, Joe.
00:24Who loves the shinier things in life.
00:26We had taken the train to Paris just for dinner and back.
00:28I'm going to show you and her how you can have a top holiday for rock bottom prices.
00:35Are we allowed to be here? Are you squatting?
00:38I'm leaving very few stones unturned in my hunt to find a holiday deal.
00:41I know it's quite a long journey, like three hours, but I got 10% off.
00:45And at one point, I take my top off.
00:47Bargain.
00:48Bargain.
00:48Bargain.
00:50Bargain.
00:50Bargain.
00:51Bargain.
00:51Bargain.
00:52Bargain.
01:05Bargain.
01:05Bargain.
01:06Bargain.
01:06In this 47 minute episode, I'm taking Katherine Ryan on a bargain family adventure
01:14holiday to South Wales in the stunning Gower Peninsula.
01:17I don't think that map does it justice.
01:21Named the UK's first-ever area of outstanding natural beauty
01:25and home to the recently voted 10th best beach in the world,
01:29and it has more sheep than full-time magicians
01:31who don't do anything else to supplement their income.
01:38Family adventure holidays mean exciting outdoor experiences
01:41with plenty to keep the kids entertained,
01:43and South Wales has it all and at bargain prices
01:46by all I mean what you can see in the montage.
01:50Thank you for not taking me on a trash airline.
01:52You can do so much right here in the UK
01:55without taking your shoes off at Gatwick at 6am.
01:58You take your shoes off? Yeah. Why?
02:01Well, mine are full of knives.
02:03But I always get pinned to the floor.
02:05It's all just a little bit of history repeating.
02:09The start point for our bargain family adventure
02:11is the Three Cliffs Bay Holiday Park
02:13where we'll be staying for our trip minus any children.
02:17That's okay.
02:18I refuse to work with child actors.
02:20Precociousness is the tip of the iceberg of those monsters.
02:22Trust me.
02:24Yeah, this is where we're staying.
02:26That view's nice.
02:28Well, it is a nice view, but Joe,
02:29over there I saw tents that were already put up.
02:31Yeah, I know, but they cost more.
02:34Where do you get food around here?
02:36Do I have to hunt like a Welsh bird?
02:38What's the worry?
02:39You can see all the way around and there's nothing.
02:43What do people do camping in Britain?
02:46Er, I guess lose weight.
02:51This five-star holiday park has it all.
02:54I must stop saying it has it all.
02:56It has a lot.
02:57There's an on-site shop selling everything you need
02:59for a family adventure holiday,
03:01from brightly coloured wooden-handled spades
03:04and blue toilet seat covers to stone-baked pizzas.
03:08Around the site there's plenty of toilets, showers
03:11and washing up areas if you need to toilet, shower or wash up.
03:16Camping options include super fancy glamping
03:18as well as spots for camper vans, caravans and tents.
03:22And just like at the MOBOs,
03:23every pitch comes with an electricity point,
03:26running water, a barbecue and a bench.
03:29And our spot comes with a belting view of the beach.
03:33As per, I've opted to bring a humongous four-person belt tent
03:37which I've rented from a camping hire company
03:39for just £20 a night.
03:41And with a pitch only costing £47,
03:44it's an absolute bargain for a family of four.
03:47And the best thing about it all
03:48is we get to put it up ourselves
03:50which I'm sure will bring us even closer as friends.
03:55I'm excited, Joe.
03:56I'm going to get this out of the way
03:57and then we can build the tent.
03:58I'm going to tip it out the old-fashioned way.
04:01Joe!
04:03Like any experienced camper,
04:04I'm not doing anything
04:05until I've completely read the welcome pack
04:07and it's full terms and conditions that come with the tent.
04:10Unlike Catherine, who's like a bull in a china shop,
04:13I think it's because she's pregnant,
04:14she just won't listen.
04:15Thank you for hiring our equipment.
04:17Within this welcome pack,
04:19you will find a few important documents.
04:21Please read this document carefully
04:23and it contains vital information
04:25relating to the hire of your equipment.
04:272.1.
04:28These terms and conditions govern the hire
04:30of all equipment provided by us to you.
04:332.2.
04:35When hiring any equipment from us,
04:37you do so in a court...
04:39You are jumping ahead here.
04:412.3.
04:42Any contract for the hire of the equipment
04:45between you and Ibex camping.
04:47This document is spot on.
04:50This is probably one of the best terms and conditions
04:53I've ever read
04:54and I've read Googles and Amazons.
04:572.4.
04:58You agree to take particular care
05:00when providing us with your details and warrants.
05:03You do so in accordance
05:04to these terms and conditions.
05:056.1.
05:06Our charges for pitching a tent on the basis
05:09that a selected site is free of all obstacles
05:11and is a flat level site.
05:13Sorry, Joe.
05:14No problem.
05:167.1.
05:17Risk and ownership of equipment.
05:19You're responsible for the equipment
05:21from the time you collect slash receive the equipment
05:24or sign a notice of requirements
05:26that we may notify you to regarding the equipment.
05:3012.1.
05:31We may subcontract any part...
05:33I haven't finished reading that, Joe.
05:34Not quite.
05:35Well, I want to show you the inside
05:36because I finished.
05:37It's actually really nice.
05:38I set up the candles and beds.
05:39I've got, like, one sentence left.
05:41Okay.
05:42We may subcontract any parts or parts
05:44of hiring the equipment
05:45under terms and conditions
05:46and hire agreement
05:47by giving you written notice.
05:50See?
05:51Didn't hurt, did it?
05:52Done?
05:53Yeah, I'm done.
05:54What do you think?
05:57That's got to come down.
05:58Well, Joe, I'm six months pregnant.
06:00I did it myself.
06:01Come see inside.
06:03There's a lovely view from inside here.
06:06That is a nice view,
06:08but this is all going to need tinkering with, I feel.
06:12Okay.
06:12I think you rushed into this.
06:14Okay.
06:15Well...
06:15Come on.
06:16Let's go to the beach.
06:17What?
06:17I was going to lay down for a bit.
06:19Oh, no.
06:19Come on.
06:19We've got it.
06:20We're on holiday.
06:21Even though the tent needs to be completely redone...
06:24I might pay for the chap to redo it.
06:27We head to the beach to start our holiday
06:29by taking part in a community beach clean.
06:31This is how all holidays should start.
06:34Hello.
06:35Hi, guys.
06:36How are you? You all right?
06:37We're good.
06:37You're probably thinking a beach clean
06:39does sound like the perfect way to start your holiday,
06:42so why does Catherine have a face like a smacked arse?
06:44I've no idea.
06:46Not only is it good for the environment and the wildlife,
06:49it's free to join in and afterwards you get free food
06:52and entertainment.
06:53Would you like to give us a hand?
06:55I think I speak for both of us when I say yes, please.
06:57Okay.
06:58You look a bit hesitant.
06:59Free dinner at the end.
07:00Well, I won't be disparaging about the idea in front of the child.
07:03My daughter also fancies herself to be a climate change activist
07:07but then she leaves enough lights on to land an effing plane.
07:09So, how often do you do this?
07:11So, I'm an ambassador for Two Minute Beach Clean.
07:14I organise beach cleans once a month.
07:16There's a big community event down on Swansea and Gower.
07:18It's a nice thing to do because it's a lovely walk in the sunset
07:21but with purpose.
07:22Absolutely.
07:23You get to do that when you put the glove on.
07:26It's a great feeling.
07:27Bend over, Joe.
07:28I'd love to.
07:29You don't get that.
07:30And if we collect enough, do we get a free barbecue?
07:32Is that correct?
07:33Yeah, we do hot dogs, we've got a barbecue,
07:35we've got a bit of music as well.
07:36Oh my God, what about if we muck about?
07:38If you muck about, I'm not sure, maybe half a hot dog.
07:41Oh no, I can't have that.
07:42Okay, let's not muck about.
07:42Alright, let's get to work.
07:44I'm not not getting a hot dog, so no pissing about.
07:48Look at this, Joe.
07:49Oh, can I have that?
07:50This would have been fatal to a turtle.
07:52Because if I get enough in here, I'll get a hot dog.
07:55Beach cleans are held once a month
07:57and organised by a group of keen local volunteers.
08:01I really want to muck about.
08:03Thanks to the support of local businesses,
08:05those that take part are rewarded with anything
08:07from free barbecues to yoga classes.
08:10I'd be a bit miffed if I'd done all that.
08:12Then I had to do yoga.
08:13No thank you.
08:14I think Catherine's well away anyway.
08:16She's enjoying herself.
08:17Oh my word.
08:18Washed away by the tide if you're not careful.
08:19I've genuinely never seen her this energised.
08:23There's no garbage even here.
08:25These people should come to London.
08:27I got hit by a chicken wing bone
08:30that was picked up by the wind in the face.
08:32How are you getting on, Catherine?
08:35Really well.
08:36That's a rock.
08:37I know, it's pretty though.
08:39I might keep it in my house as like a bookend.
08:42Did you listen to the instructions, Catherine?
08:45Yes.
08:45Because I really want a hot dog
08:47and I don't want to get cross with you.
08:49After a good 30-ish minutes of cleaning the beach,
08:52I hope she's not counting.
08:53Do we have enough for a burger or a hot dog or something?
08:56I think so.
08:57And with the sun about to set...
08:59How long do you have to wait till we get a hot dog?
09:01We make our way back to the holiday park
09:04to join in the post-beach clean party,
09:06which is all fine and lovely,
09:08but where are the effing hot dogs, love?
09:16Hey, Joe.
09:17Hi, I think we're in a cult.
09:19And I'm overdressed because you said camp.
09:21Would you like... Oh, these are the hot dogs.
09:23All right.
09:24Would you like a long hot dog or a round one?
09:27Um...
09:27I'll try a round one.
09:28Cheers.
09:29Cheers.
09:30Oh, you only eat in the middle?
09:31Uh-huh.
09:32Yeah.
09:32Mmm.
09:34This is sweet.
09:35What do you think about fire dancing?
09:37Yeah, I'll do it in a minute.
09:39Really?
09:39Yeah.
09:40I'll force him to let me have a go.
09:41Mmm.
09:42He's not the only alpha male on this pack.
09:46It's like a pussy repellent, that activity.
09:50I can feel my vagina slamming shut.
09:54Oh, yes.
09:56Right, well, if she wants to see vaginas slamming shut,
09:59I'll show her.
10:00If you thought I couldn't get any less attractive,
10:02watch this.
10:03OK, Joe, if you'd like to come down.
10:05After applying some cold water to her hands
10:07to act as a heat barrier,
10:08doesn't sound much like a fire barrier to me,
10:10but anyway,
10:11we get a handful of fire foam
10:13and some bloke sets fire to us.
10:16If you're wondering how we know
10:17these guys are trained professionals,
10:19it's simple.
10:20Yes.
10:20One of them is wearing high-vis.
10:22Ring the fire.
10:26My hands are on fire.
10:28Ta-da!
10:29OK, we had a perfect example
10:30of doing things calmly
10:32and how to panic in style.
10:34I don't know if anyone's told you,
10:35but it gets really hot.
10:36Give them a big hand, please.
10:38Yeah, that felt right.
10:39Thank you for the fire trick.
10:40Yeah, that felt right.
10:42That fire bloke didn't look at me once,
10:44but the bloke in the high-vis
10:45did try and hold hands with me,
10:46so we head back to the campsite
10:48whilst the party continues into the night.
10:50If you're planning an outdoor adventure holiday,
10:53here's a travel tip for you.
10:56Bug repellent can be expensive.
10:59That bit is true.
11:00So why not make use of your kitchen cupboards instead
11:03by packing some vanilla extract,
11:05garlic or even washing detergent,
11:08all of which act as effective repellent
11:10to keep the creatures away.
11:11That bit I'm not sure is true.
11:23I've taken my dear friend, Catherine Ryan,
11:26on a bargain family adventure holiday
11:27to the Gower Peninsula in South Wales.
11:30The locals don't say the in Gower Peninsula,
11:33they just say Gower Peninsula.
11:34Only idiots add the the.
11:36Like us.
11:37But you can do so much right here in the UK
11:40without taking your shoes off at Gatling.
11:43After Catherine did her best to pitch our bell tent,
11:46like heroes, we did our bit for the environment
11:49in exchange for free hot dogs and mandatory fire juggling.
11:52My hands are on fire.
11:55We're starting our second day in the Mumbles,
11:58a fit little coastal town whose name is thought
12:00to have derived from the French word mermels,
12:03meaning knockers, and refers to what sailors named
12:06these twin islets off Mumbles head,
12:08because they're knocker shaped, I'm assuming.
12:11Anyway, I'm treating Catherine to a bike ride
12:14along the Mumbles seafront on dirt cheap rental bikes,
12:17plus helmets.
12:19This is a lovely, leisurely start to the day, Joe.
12:22I like it.
12:22You're welcome.
12:23Welcome to the Mumbles.
12:25Is biking in the Mumbles a bargain?
12:27Yeah, I can find out the price if you want.
12:29Hold on.
12:30You'll be careful, Joe, with your book and your bike.
12:33God!
12:34Stop veering towards me.
12:36Joe!
12:37I didn't know I was.
12:39Okay.
12:40I don't need the facts that bad.
12:43I've got the book out now.
12:44Why do you have to take something fun and relaxing
12:46and make it dangerous?
12:48Get away from me.
12:50There are several affordable bikes.
12:54Sorry.
12:55Sorry.
12:55Sorry.
12:57Before one of us causes an accident...
12:59Oh!
12:59Joe!
13:00Get away from me!
13:02I'll refer to my notes and answer Catherine's question
13:04from here in the safety of my voiceover turret.
13:07There are several cheap bike hire schemes in the Gower,
13:11but we've hired ours from Towie Bikes because they're cheap.
13:14Bike hire is free, yes free, for anyone aged 12 to 25,
13:18or over 25s who are accompanied children can claim one free bike hire a month.
13:23If you're all over 25, then it still only costs £2 an hour per bike.
13:28That's a bargain in anyone's livre.
13:30Livre is French for a book.
13:31Mmm.
13:33Okay.
13:34Can you hold that for me?
13:35Not really.
13:36You can put it in my basket.
13:38I'll hold it out and then you approach it and tell me where to drop.
13:41No!
13:42Just keep your book.
13:43Put it in your basket, Joe.
13:44Tell me where to drop it.
13:46Okay, drop.
13:48Yeah!
13:50Woo!
13:51Right, I need a fat.
13:52Can I have it back?
13:53No.
13:54Just enjoy yourself.
13:55It's a lovely coastline and this is £10 for the day.
13:59It's £2 an hour.
14:01Ooh!
14:02Yeah.
14:02Because I'm over 25 and you're on the cusp.
14:06Parts of me are under 25.
14:08Parts of you is like weeks old, right?
14:10Oh my God!
14:11My tits are doing this for absolutely nothing.
14:14Hello!
14:15How are you, Governor?
14:17Nothing.
14:18Nothing.
14:19Absolutely nothing.
14:21Joe, there are bikers.
14:22Woo!
14:23Sorry.
14:25Oh my gosh.
14:26Mumbles.
14:27See?
14:28Do you know that's a greeting as well?
14:30It basically means pleasant afternoon.
14:33Mumbles.
14:33Mumbles.
14:35Mumbles.
14:37Mumbles.
14:37Mumbles.
14:38Mumbles.
14:39Mumbles.
14:39Mumbles.
14:41No one's saying it back to me.
14:42You're making a dick out of me again, Joe.
14:44No way!
14:44Sometimes I muddle up what's real and what I've remembered from my night terrors.
14:48Mumbles!
14:50Would you like a race?
14:52Alright.
14:52Race to the pier.
14:53Go!
14:53Okay, Joe.
14:54I'm biking as fast as I can to beat you in this race.
14:57I hope I win.
15:03You're not allowed to cycle up the pier, and rightly so, but the director thought our bikes
15:07parked up here would make a nice shot while we have some ice cream, so there you go.
15:12Oh, thanks, Joe.
15:14Are you looking at the tits?
15:15What are the tits?
15:16Those are the tits.
15:17Oh, the mumbles.
15:18Those are the big old titties.
15:20Oh, I get it.
15:21Sailors used to get turned on by those.
15:24What didn't turn a sailor on?
15:25I'd love to know.
15:26They were desperate for it.
15:28They flippin' loved it.
15:29I would have loved to be some type of brothel owner back then, make a mint.
15:33Well, I love the mumbles so far, Joe.
15:35Oh, couldn't I?
15:36Mm-hmm.
15:36Um, do you fancy making a sandcastle?
15:41Alright.
15:42It's a competition.
15:43Oh, no.
15:44You've, like, entered us into an actual sandcastle activity.
15:46Yeah, yeah.
15:46Because there's a chance of winning 30 quid's worth of tokens for the pier.
15:52So, hang on.
15:52There's a competition, presumably for children, where you can win tokens to play games for children,
15:57and you would like to go and kick their asses.
16:00Yeah.
16:00I'm in.
16:01Cool.
16:02During the summer, Mumbles Pier holds free-to-enter sandcastle competitions for children,
16:07where the winners get a £30 games card to spend in the arcade.
16:12I'm not sure why I'm telling you this again.
16:14I've literally just told you that.
16:16Whoever bought that digger's gone a bit OTT.
16:18I'm not fucking around.
16:19Okay, Joe.
16:20I believe that you can beat these kids.
16:22I want that 30 quid.
16:23So, not only is it free fun for the family, there's a chance to win 30 quid to waste on
16:27the pier.
16:28I feel like I just keep telling you the same thing.
16:32Alright, guys.
16:32Are we ready?
16:33Yeah!
16:34Woo!
16:36On your marks, get set, go!
16:39Alright, Catherine, are we doing a knob and balls?
16:42Uh, knob and balls?
16:43I don't think we should in front of the children.
16:45Yeah, yeah, no.
16:45But it would win.
16:46We need a strategy, though.
16:47What are you trying to do?
16:48Should I get water?
16:49Yeah.
16:49Let's just get lots of water.
16:52This is actually, like, physically exerting.
16:55The water's going away from me.
16:57I have a bit of water in here, Joe.
16:59Just a bit.
16:59Okay, so I feel like that's our area to put...
17:03She should...
17:04Do you think that...
17:08Don't like that one.
17:10Joe, what's wrong with it?
17:11Don't know.
17:12Didn't like it.
17:13Aw.
17:13It was a high-octane competition, but I'm very proud of the fact that neither of us let
17:17the pressure get to us.
17:20Oh, it was not wet enough.
17:21Don't swear, brother.
17:22You can't show them any aggression.
17:24At this point, I'm thinking I might just spend 30 quid of my own money, which is very unlikely.
17:30There's bloody stones in here.
17:32Oh.
17:34Oh, dear.
17:35Catherine?
17:36Yeah?
17:37Is your bag expensive?
17:38Yes.
17:39Okay.
17:41Oh, my gosh, Joe.
17:42Please don't do anything to it.
17:44I'm caring less and less about this competition, but 30 quid of pointless peer vouchers is 30 quid
17:49of pointless peer vouchers.
17:50Get on with it, Joe.
17:51Catherine, it needs this Unisei Qua moment.
17:54I'm thinking we could put the speaker in the middle of it.
17:57Yep.
17:58And the fellow with our fate in his hands is this bastard.
18:02Toby, the Mumbles' peer mascot.
18:04Look at the state of that, clearly half-cut.
18:07Why is the mascot a bear?
18:09Bears don't live in the...
18:11He's done well, though.
18:11Look at his girlfriend.
18:12Yeah, she's hot.
18:14He's done really well.
18:15Fair play to him.
18:16There's no way this prick is going to choose our sound castle.
18:19This whole thing is a piss take.
18:21What do you think of Tobes?
18:22He's thinking.
18:23He's thinking.
18:24He's thinking.
18:29He's drunk!
18:32Yes!
18:32I take it all back.
18:34What a lovely fella.
18:35And this had nothing to do with the fact that Catherine threatened their families when
18:38the crew had a tea break.
18:40Yes!
18:42It was real.
18:42Either way, that's 30 quid on the hip.
18:45Yeah, that stings, doesn't it, guys?
18:48Yeah.
18:48Now, back to the pier to celebrate and spend all our gorgeous winnings.
18:52We destroyed those kids.
18:54Yes.
18:55It's us.
18:55The winners.
18:56No, nobody cares.
18:57Oh, no.
19:00Mumbles' peer is over 100 years old and is also home to the RNLI.
19:04I love the RNLI.
19:05Fair play, guys.
19:07Love you guys.
19:08There's over 100 games in the arcade with prices starting from as little as 30p a go.
19:14Ah!
19:16You can also get a games card where if you put £20 on the card, you will get an extra
19:21£5
19:21worth of gameplay on the house slash pier.
19:27But because we just pissed a sandcastle competition, we get to play the arcade games for free.
19:33Ha, ha, ha, ha!
19:38Yes!
19:39Yes!
19:40Yes, you heart.
19:41How about that?
19:42It's not possible.
19:45Ah!
19:47That was the best I've ever seen.
19:49I got some tickets.
19:50What?
19:51Turns out Catherine is Dynamite at arcade games, which in my opinion is a sign of a wasted
19:56youth.
19:57This is just how good I am.
19:59Fine.
20:00Anyway, 30 quid's worth of games later, we cash our chips in and collect our prizes.
20:05What a stupid afternoon.
20:08Well done, Joe.
20:11Shall we go?
20:12Yep.
20:14I treat us to a fish and chips supper.
20:16Why not?
20:17All today's activities have only cost us £2 each.
20:21Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
20:23Have you had a nice day?
20:24Have you enjoyed the mumbles?
20:25I love the UK.
20:26I love every part of it.
20:27I love Wales.
20:28This is like one of the best holidays I've ever had.
20:31I never want to forget this moment.
20:32I love mumbles.
20:33Mumbles!
20:34I might name my baby mumbles.
20:36Oh.
20:37Do you think I'm famous enough to give my baby a stupid name like mumbles?
20:40Yeah.
20:40You could have a proper Pratt name for your kids.
20:42Mumbles Echo Ryan.
20:44What about smoothie?
20:47Smoothie's cool.
20:48That's inspiring.
20:49You've done that, mumbles.
20:51Joe, hang on.
20:52When I think about it, we didn't spend any money today because we made like 30 quid worth of arcade
20:59tickets.
21:01We broke a few hearts.
21:02Mmm.
21:03The looks on those children's faces.
21:06That was brilliant, wasn't it?
21:07It's a life lesson.
21:08You don't always win.
21:09Yeah.
21:10Even if you have a better sandcastle than the people on TV.
21:13I think a lot of those kids are going to become third-rate presenters based on the lessons they learned
21:19today.
21:19You're welcome.
21:20You are welcome.
21:22Mmm.
21:23Mmm.
21:23Mmm.
21:24Fish and chips is the best food.
21:25The UK is the best place.
21:26Why would you ever leave here?
21:27I know.
21:28It's beautiful that way, you know, but what you can't see there, what they can't see at home, it's just
21:33a crap-held car park there.
21:34Yeah.
21:35If you just look the one way.
21:38Yeah.
21:39That's beautiful.
21:40Yeah.
21:40That's utter shit.
21:41Yeah.
21:42Whilst we take in the good half of the view, here's another travel tip.
21:47Keep your food and drinks super cool on your summer holiday by freezing water balloons and putting them in your
21:53cool box.
21:54This will keep your food and drinks nice and chilled.
21:57Right.
21:58This is the worst.
21:59Yeah.
22:00This is the worst one.
22:01Someone needs to be fired for this.
22:13I've taken my good friend Catherine Ryan on a bargain family adventure holiday to Ragour Peninsula in South Wales.
22:21So far, we've had a lovely time and hardly spent a penny, both financially and neither of us have really
22:25weed.
22:26Yeah, that stings, doesn't it, guys?
22:29It's the third day of our bargain holiday and I'm up early and I've nipped to the shop to treat
22:34Catherine to a Welsh hamper for breakfast.
22:37That's a bit weird thinking back about that, yeah.
22:40But mainly, I haven't slept well because there's a helicopter pilot staring at me.
22:45Catherine, your helicopter's here.
22:47It's a bit early.
22:48Can you let them know that we've got a few more things to do today?
22:51Yeah.
22:52I'm not taking a helicopter home today, Joe.
22:54I love Wales.
22:55Can you give us about four or five hours?
22:59Catherine will call you.
23:03So, this is breakfast.
23:05Great.
23:06Do you like this traditional Welsh delicacy?
23:09There's a vagueness to that, isn't there?
23:11Well, let's see what it is.
23:12And maybe you spread it on these Welsh cakes, AKA scones.
23:15Okay, it's in a little army tin.
23:17Uh-oh.
23:17Wait a minute.
23:17It might be fish.
23:20What is it made of?
23:23A foreign body.
23:24It's seaweed.
23:25It's seaweed.
23:27Ooh.
23:27This one, Joe, is red luster with habanero, chili and peppers, and I'm opening it.
23:32I've got some bad news.
23:33What's the bad news?
23:33There's more of this.
23:34You don't have to have it though, Joe.
23:36Don't eat that seaweed anymore.
23:38I don't think that's a good idea.
23:39Joe, you could be having such a nice time.
23:40You could be eating Welsh cheese and biscuits.
23:45How is that?
23:48The taste doesn't go.
23:50Cheese and biscuits, Joe.
23:52Delicious.
23:53I love whales.
23:54Yeah, whales are good, but their stuff has an aftertaste.
23:58Well.
24:00I'm going to wash it down with a breakfast fudge.
24:04Right, I think we should leave this for the seagulls to tear to bits.
24:08Okay.
24:08One more breakfast fudge to take with you.
24:11I don't want the breakfast fudge, Joe.
24:12Do you not like breakfast fudge?
24:13No, I've had cheese and biscuits, Welsh cheese.
24:15Mmm, mmm, mmm.
24:16Mmm.
24:17We'll take those with us.
24:18Okay.
24:19Like a brunch.
24:20We need a kiss then.
24:21Sorry about that.
24:21I thought that was fun.
24:22Or headbutted.
24:22Yeah.
24:23All right, Joe.
24:24I'm going to change.
24:25I'll do squats while you do to work off the breakfast fudge.
24:30Okay.
24:31After an eclectic breakfast.
24:33Half a fudge down.
24:35We give Catherine's helicopter fella the day off.
24:40And we head back to the Mumbles, where we're meeting the Swansea Bay Orienteering Club
24:45at Oystermouth Castle to take part in an orienteering competition,
24:50because it's going to cost us an out.
24:52Hello.
24:53Hello.
24:54Hi.
24:54Hello.
24:54Do you need to try out some orienteering?
24:56Yes.
24:56Are these guys quite good at it?
24:58These guys are incredibly good at this.
25:00You are looking at the world champion, Megan Carter-Davis.
25:04Wow.
25:05In orienteering.
25:07Yes.
25:07You might have a little run for your money.
25:09Sure.
25:10Excellent.
25:11I'm wildly confident.
25:13The aim of the game is to navigate between a series of checkpoints, otherwise known as
25:18controls, by using an orienteering map and compass to decide the best route.
25:23There's also an app you can download which alerts you when you're close to them.
25:27And at each checkpoint there's a letter which you need to note down to prove you've been there.
25:32Quickest team to complete the course wins.
25:34It's as simple as that.
25:36I don't know what's going on.
25:38If we set off Diana and Mike first...
25:41Go!
25:42OK.
25:42Go, go, go!
25:43If I saw that, in real life I would think they'd lost a dog.
25:47While she was on Mike's team, I think Mike's wasted on Diana.
25:50Still, I'm sure me and Catherine will absolutely batter this lot.
25:54Do you need a wee?
25:55No.
25:56And with that, it's our turn.
25:58Go!
25:59Shall we go where Mike went?
26:01Yes.
26:02No worries.
26:02We'll see you at the finish.
26:04Come on, Catherine.
26:05I'm in this to win it.
26:10Does that mean you got the thing?
26:12So we're looking for a letter and then we have to write it down.
26:14They went back here.
26:16Always think what would Mike do.
26:18Alright, I got the thing.
26:18And it says one R.
26:20Write down the letter R.
26:21Oh, R.
26:21Right, this way.
26:22Come on.
26:23Where's Mike?
26:26Oh my God!
26:27Catherine!
26:28Yeah?
26:29Come on!
26:33Just write down the letter.
26:35I've got two letters.
26:36Good.
26:37Three's going to be over there.
26:39Just look at the map.
26:39Oh yeah, this way.
26:40Catherine!
26:41Yeah?
26:42Catherine!
26:42They have dogs over here.
26:44No, Catherine!
26:45Focus!
26:46I'm going to beat those sons of bitches.
26:48Can you find that one and I'll find four.
26:51Oh, bugger.
26:53Mike!
26:55Four.
26:56The letter A.
26:57Where's Michael?
27:00Michael!
27:01So five will be like around here.
27:05Oh!
27:06Got it!
27:06By accident!
27:07I got it by accident!
27:11Come on, Joe.
27:12Five's around here.
27:13You never leave your oriental karma.
27:15Oh, I have a five.
27:16Oh, I didn't see the letter.
27:19What?
27:19You didn't see the letter at number three?
27:20I forgot the letter.
27:22Shit.
27:23Five's D.
27:25Hi.
27:27Oh, God.
27:28I didn't like the look of him at all.
27:30Go this way.
27:32Nope.
27:33Get in.
27:35Hi.
27:38Oh.
27:40Wow.
27:41Fantastic.
27:42What a lovely body.
27:45Catherine!
27:46Catherine!
27:47There you are.
27:48Hi.
27:49What was six?
27:50Six was E for echo.
27:52Echo.
27:52Do you reckon we have to spell out a word?
27:54Yeah, probably.
27:55I think at the moment it's rhombus.
27:56Come on!
27:57I want to win!
27:59Down this way.
28:00Okay.
28:00Let's go.
28:00Let's go.
28:00It's really steep.
28:01Oh, Joe.
28:02We could slide down on your little plastic map.
28:05Yes.
28:06Oh!
28:07God!
28:09It won't slide.
28:11Ah, shit.
28:12So seven's like over there.
28:14Where?
28:14By that castle.
28:16Right, come on.
28:17Oh, yes, yes.
28:18Right there, right there.
28:18Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:19Oh, no, that's ten.
28:21What?
28:22But just do ten.
28:27All right, fine.
28:28Ten.
28:29Do you reckon the woman will check all the different things if we just say we've done it?
28:33Put in some letters.
28:33What letters do you have?
28:35I'm going to put an x, an at.
28:37At?
28:38That's very modern.
28:39And an umlaut.
28:39Put something Welsh.
28:41I'll put a Welsh rarebit.
28:42Okay.
28:44X, at, Welsh rarebit, ly.
28:47We've still got a chance of winning this.
28:51God, there's Mike.
28:54Oh, well done.
28:55Hello, Mike.
28:56How are you?
28:57Do you mind if I sit with you, Mike?
28:59Where's Catherine?
29:00That is not my problem.
29:02I'm here.
29:02I'm here.
29:03I was just behind.
29:04Hi, well done, everyone.
29:05Well, how did we do?
29:07Ben and Megan sort of, kind of, whooped everybody else's backsides.
29:11Sure.
29:11Then, um, Anne and Sarah came in.
29:14And then us laughed.
29:15Mike, you always had a chance.
29:16A little bit, as they all went to each of the controls.
29:19It was our first time, and it's always good to try something new.
29:21And what a bargain, so that's cool.
29:23Well, thank you very much.
29:24You're welcome.
29:25That was good fun.
29:26Lovely to meet you all.
29:26Well done, you guys.
29:27Thanks very much.
29:28Bye, Mike.
29:29I don't mind losing when you're up against the like of Mike and his posse.
29:33And it didn't cost us a penny, so I guess we all kind of won.
29:36But the real winner was Mike, because he's got it going on.
29:40I'm going to have one more glance at Mike.
29:42Yeah.
29:43Lovely.
29:51The next stop on our bargain holiday in South Wales is a trip to the town of Port Talbot,
29:57about 15 miles east of the Mumbles.
30:00And home to one of the biggest steelworks in the world.
30:03But sadly, we're not visiting that because Catherine's on their watch list.
30:07So I'm taking us here to Port Talbot's number one tourist attraction.
30:12Which also is free.
30:15Joe, you said we were going to a museum, but it doesn't look like we're anywhere near a museum.
30:20It's just in here.
30:21It's the Museum of Beans.
30:24Beans?
30:25Beans.
30:26You like beans.
30:27So I thought we'll come to the mecca of beans.
30:30You'd think there'd be more fanfare on the outside, but...
30:33Well, it's sort of like a bean colour.
30:39Do you need some help, Joe?
30:40No.
30:41Maybe there's a button.
30:42Famously, it's a bugger to open.
30:45Yep.
30:45Oh.
30:46We're getting ready to bow.
30:48Behind this unassuming exterior is the Baked Bean Museum of Excellence,
30:52and home to its curator, Captain Beanie, a.k.a. Barry Kirk.
30:58Hello.
31:00Hello there.
31:01What's a password, please?
31:02Alabama.
31:03Mmm.
31:04Hotdog.
31:05Baked beans, perhaps?
31:08Good morning.
31:09Hello.
31:10I'd like to invite you on.
31:11You're the same colour as your hallway.
31:13Well done if you spotted he has Baked Bean eyebrows.
31:17Oh dear.
31:18How are you?
31:19Make your way down the left-hand side.
31:23There we are.
31:24It's really orange.
31:25Wow.
31:26Wow.
31:28I've not thought of doing a lounge bean colour.
31:31Yeah, buy all beans.
31:32Sit yourself down.
31:33You have a very...
31:35Beautiful home.
31:35Very beautifully curated museum.
31:38This is only the reception area.
31:41Oh.
31:41So how did you start your love affair with Baked Beans?
31:45I came across an album cover.
31:47And this is no other than Roger Daltrey.
31:49That is Roger Daltrey.
31:50Of The Who.
31:51He's laying that bath of baked beans.
31:53And I thought, if it's good enough for Roger Daltrey,
31:56it's good enough for Barry Kirk, my birth name.
31:58And that's where it all started.
32:00That's it.
32:00Because I created this world record of laying in a bath of baked beans for 100 hours.
32:05They called me The Bean Man.
32:06And I thought, wouldn't it be fun if I changed my name by Deedpole.
32:09Yeah.
32:10Or consequently, Beanpole, to Captain Beanie.
32:14Captain.
32:15And I thought, I'm going to have my hair tattooed with baked beans.
32:18For charity, of course.
32:19Oh.
32:19And offer you the privilege of having you initials endorsed per bean.
32:25Oh.
32:25For the princely price of £60, you see.
32:28£60.
32:29And we raised £3,600.
32:32Well, that's a very noble thing to do.
32:34I'll be honest with you, I've got loads of medals.
32:36There's a runner bean in marathons, of course.
32:38This is my favourite medal.
32:39May I touch it?
32:40Yeah, you can pick it up because that one was named after the captain.
32:44May I put it on?
32:45Yes, by all beans.
32:47I think it suits you, yeah.
32:49I've just got the puns.
32:50Runner bean, yes.
32:52Is it a bargain to visit your museum?
32:54It's free.
32:56It's only free.
32:57But it's £10 to get out.
33:00I like that.
33:01We're happy to start.
33:03I don't think I've ever been this relaxed.
33:05I'm absolutely loving this man's hospitality.
33:09I tried to think of a bean pun to put in here but I just couldn't.
33:13This is a free attraction but Captain Beanie does accept donations which go to charity.
33:18After we've explored this rather unique orange universe of baked beans and baked bean puns, we're definitely putting our hands
33:24in our pocket.
33:25Well, production will give them a few quid.
33:27Catherine does not carry cash.
33:32Oh my goodness.
33:34Everything is orange.
33:35Everything is Heinz beans.
33:36There's a beans toothbrush.
33:38There's a beans razor.
33:39Why is that in the kitchen?
33:41Wow.
33:42Look at this.
33:43Isn't that a relief?
33:44Yeah.
33:44It's not beans.
33:45That is like a palate cleanser.
33:47No, close that.
33:47I don't want to see anything that's not beans.
33:49Hey Jay.
33:49No.
33:50This is the bathroom.
33:51Yep.
33:52Very orange.
33:54Oh and this is a different brand.
33:56Watch this.
33:57Time for the big reveal.
34:00You ready?
34:00You nervous?
34:01I'm not nervous.
34:03Whoa.
34:04Ta-da!
34:05No beans in the bath.
34:07Close that.
34:08I'm here for beans.
34:10There you go.
34:13Did you break the shower?
34:15Joe!
34:17I'm getting out.
34:18I'm getting out.
34:19It's broken out.
34:22You can't be touching everything.
34:26Ooh, more beans.
34:28Ooh.
34:28Whoa.
34:29Yeah.
34:30This is the best room.
34:31There's more.
34:31Oh my goodness, Joe.
34:34Oh, it looks like there was some type of bean explosion over there.
34:37Look how far it's gone.
34:39Something happened here.
34:39Something exploded here.
34:41It's on the ceiling.
34:43What would you say happened here, forensically?
34:45I'd say there was a guy stood here like this and he's been forced to have a lot of beans.
34:51And someone ran in and went like that.
34:56And it shot down.
34:58And he went, ugh!
35:00And it's gone, ping, like that.
35:02And he's walked in and gone, leave it.
35:06Do you know what?
35:07Leave it.
35:07I'll work around it.
35:08But I've got loads on the caps.
35:10He went, leave it.
35:13But there's loads up here as well.
35:15Leave it.
35:16I like it.
35:19I'm such a wee risk now that I'm pregnant.
35:21I can't laugh like that.
35:24I feel that I've ruined your caps.
35:27No.
35:27No, leave it.
35:28I'll work with it.
35:29But somewhere on the carpet.
35:31Can I use your shower?
35:32No, it's part of the museum.
35:34What?
35:38I think a nice way to end this is to just point at 20 things in a row.
35:43OK.
35:46What a lovely way to end our visit to Port Talbot's number one tourist attraction.
35:51What a place.
35:52What a man.
35:54What a kisser.
35:55Call around any other time you wish.
35:57All right.
35:58Next Thursday?
35:59Yeah.
35:59We have a bina colada together.
36:01Oh!
36:02I'd go as far as to say it's been fantastic.
36:06Cameraman Stuart wrote that and he said he'd give me 60 quid if I used it.
36:10But if you want to visit the museum, you'll have to be quick.
36:12As sadly, it's set to close later this year.
36:18For your next holiday, instead of forking out for expensive after sun for your sunburn,
36:23try plain old yoghurt instead.
36:25It contains healthy enzymes and works wonders on the skin.
36:29I'm winding myself up with these now.
36:40It's the final day of our bargain family adventure holiday in South Wales and we're starting the day at the
36:46racetrack in Clandow.
36:48Ooh, I don't think I should have had such a large brekkie as we're going to be racing cars.
36:53Shit.
36:55Great.
36:56It's dirt cheap to do and the lady at reception said that I really suit a helmet.
37:00I think that's what she said.
37:02I couldn't really hear.
37:02I was wearing a helmet.
37:05Um, we're going to drive a car but you can't because of the old baby bump, unfortunately.
37:08Sorry.
37:09Yeah.
37:10I don't even want kids.
37:11I just get pregnant so I don't have to do anything.
37:12I know, it's worked out perfect.
37:14Hello.
37:14How are you?
37:15Good, thank you.
37:16This is really cool.
37:17Already I'm impressed.
37:18Well, we picked out a few different ones for you to choose from.
37:21And what's he going to do?
37:22Just drive fast?
37:23Hopefully.
37:24What age do you have to be to drive?
37:26Uh, ten years old and above.
37:28Wow!
37:28I love that you don't give a shit about the law.
37:31Can you talk me through your different beasts?
37:33Well, this one's a McLaren.
37:35It does nought to 60 in about three seconds.
37:37It does over 200 mile an hour.
37:40Aerial Atom.
37:41Cool.
37:41This is cool, Joe.
37:43This is like a big old penis.
37:45We'll do nought to 100 and back to nought again in three seconds.
37:48Oh God, that seems frightening.
37:49And then finally, an American muscle car with some flashy lights on the top.
37:52Oh, that one you go through cardboard boxes on.
37:55But I think this is my sweet, sweet ride, I think.
37:58Are you good at driving?
38:00Uh, don't worry about that.
38:03Yep.
38:03I chose the fastest car on offer because I wanted those two lads to like me.
38:10If you fancy taking a supercar for a spin at insane speeds for dirt cheap prices,
38:16then PSR Experience offer packages from as little as £29.
38:22All you have to be is over ten years old and taller than four feet ten.
38:26You don't even need a driving licence to have a go.
38:33It's okay, Joe, what I want to do is start the car.
38:35Okay?
38:35I'll do that.
38:36Right, here goes nothing in a £180,000 supercar.
38:40Oh, you sit on a pillow!
38:42Bye!
38:43In, say, go!
38:44Go!
38:48This feels mental.
38:51Oh my God.
38:53Right.
38:53We're timing this, lad.
38:55So a little bit of power to come off the bend.
38:57Just keep it going, Joe.
38:58Bit more, bit more, bit more.
39:00Up the gear, Joe.
39:01That's it.
39:04Come on, Joe.
39:05Harden the brakes now, Joe.
39:07Down the gear.
39:08Up the gear.
39:08How was that?
39:10Oh God.
39:13Alright, this is a long lap.
39:16This is impressing no one.
39:17It's over a minute already.
39:18Full power now, Joe.
39:20Full power.
39:20Keep it going now.
39:21Keep it going, keep it going.
39:22Up the gear.
39:22Oh.
39:24I can hear him.
39:26Up the gear then, Joe.
39:28Do you accelerate it?
39:28No?
39:29Well done, Joe.
39:32Whoa!
39:33Keep it going, Joe.
39:33Keep it going.
39:34Up the gear, Joe.
39:35Up the gear.
39:35Up the gear, Joe.
39:36Oh!
39:37Woo-hoo!
39:38Amazing.
39:40Let's start the brakes.
39:41Stop, stop, stop.
39:43Lovely job.
39:45How you doing, Joe?
39:47I'll be honest, it's too fast.
39:49Well, Joe, that lap was a minute and 17 seconds.
39:52It was rubbish.
39:53Oh, thank you.
39:54Do you want me to show you where it's done?
39:55Oh, God.
39:56This is going to be hell, isn't it?
39:57OK.
39:57I don't want to do this, but I really want Andy to like me
40:00because he's a racing driver and that's cool.
40:03Oh, dear.
40:03Ready.
40:05Don't encourage him, please.
40:08OK, Joe.
40:08Here we go.
40:11Oh, God.
40:13What the fucking fuck?
40:15What?
40:16You are insane.
40:18You're insane.
40:19What the fuck?
40:20Whoa, whoa, whoa.
40:22What the hell is going on?
40:24Oh, my God.
40:25.
40:26Oh, my God.
40:34Oh, talk to me.
40:36Oh, my God.
40:37Oh, my God.
40:45No, my God.
40:46Snap.
40:48No, my God.
40:49That was, like, half the time it took you.
40:51No, my God.
40:52all right come on out of there joe watch out watch out there you go don't worry
41:01even though that was a bargain i know for a fact i'll never do it again
41:05stop the badness you're a big boy now
41:10to finish off our bargain holiday in south wales i'm treating catherine to something
41:15a little more genteel this is more like it we're going on a trip on a steam train catherine and
41:21i
41:21are both very very very excited about this pleasure
41:29where are we going pardon where are we going on here why it's the steam train it's the best thing
41:38in the
41:38world the gweli railway is run mainly by volunteers and departs from bronwith arms station just outside
41:50carmarthen a 90 minute trip costs just 15 pounds for adults and nine pounds for children and if
41:56you're feeling a little bit flash there's also some special packages but this is a bargain holiday so
42:02i've obviously gone for the cheapest option annoyingly i'd love to sit on the driver's knee
42:06but that is not part of the package okay so we're on the gwilly railway it's like willy with a
42:12g
42:12great great is this oh you're like this it's a standard gauge steam railway where's the train going
42:19that is unclear i believe it goes to where we started what we're taking a train in a circle
42:28so this is not to an activity this is the activity yeah
42:35i have bought us a pet lunch i used the uh wicker basket oh yeah and i made a little
42:41special sound
42:42oh i thought we could do um what's the two dog thing you know in the tramp i'll do a
42:48tramp
42:48you've wrapped this thing oh no bro whoa is that too much cheese in there no it's just enough
42:54this will be intimate okay i'm uneasy by this i love it i've changed my mind grow a dick joe
43:02just
43:02take a bite of this well it feels like a dick that's the trouble no one i can't
43:07i'm peering right into your eyes but i don't make eye contact with you
43:17excuse me
43:26hello hello there can i take your horn certainly thank you do you want my hair yes please
43:35oh that feels right
43:40thank you all right thank you very much oh god that was brilliant
43:45another thing ticked off my bucket list all i've got to do now is make my own nest of tables
43:52i've had a great time in wales i will say as a family adventure bargain holiday joe 10 out of
43:5810
43:58the kids would love it i love it oh i got you a present oh i got you a present
44:04so it's a two-parter
44:07the first baked beans oh you have them over a jacket potato with a bit of cheese and you just
44:15remember the joy that we shared at captain beanie's museum of baked beans and just in case you don't
44:21like that i got you this yeah that's better there's a very own trash picker yeah love it you'll never
44:29reach for anything again in your life and i have never reached for anything i've never tried yeah
44:34oh this is for me oh joe yeah it's the biggest mallet i could find i need a mallet so
44:46that's
44:46genuinely a great yeah it's cool i've never seen you more driven than putting that tent up i will
44:53treasure this maybe just put it somewhere nice put it in your best cupboard you have a best cupboard i
44:57sure do thanks for a wonderful week mambo mambo i said i wouldn't cry
45:10whilst i get all emotional about how perfect our bargain family adventure holiday to south wales has
45:15been here's how you can have a bargain holiday lock house everything including accommodation
45:20food and entertainment came to just 193 pounds each for four days
45:28if you're planning a camping trip why not rent a tent instead of buying one a rented four person
45:34bell tent from ibex camping is just 20 pounds a night which would cost nearly 600 pounds to buy
45:40and for just a couple of quid more you can also rent camp beds check out local tourism
45:47websites for up-to-date calendars that often include free events and discounted activities
45:52happening in the local area like sandcastle competitions and cheap bike hire through towey bikes
45:59if you fancy giving orienteering a try then you can download free maps from swansea bay orienteering
46:04clubs for their courses in the swansea area or visit go orienteering for nationwide courses
46:10just remember to note down the letters at control points like we did
46:14thanks south wales you've been a delight ow i just did a bean pun that's annoying
46:20i might get them to cut that out beans for eyebrows wow
46:26i need a hero
46:29i'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
46:33he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight
46:39i need a hero
46:42i'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
46:46he's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life
46:52he's got you in the light
46:54he's got you in the light
46:55he's got you in the light
46:55he's got you in the light
46:55he's got you in the light
46:55he's got you in the light
46:55he's got you in the light
46:56he's got you in the light
46:57he's got you in the light
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