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00:05I don't know how much arse tattoos are.
00:08Hello, this is Joe, and I'm doing the voiceover for this programme
00:11about going on holiday on the cheap.
00:13Because like any normal person, I love a sweet-arse bargain.
00:17It's free to get in. 10% off. Bargain.
00:20So with my friend, Catherine Ryan...
00:22Ah, Joe!
00:24..who loves the shinier things in life.
00:26We had taken the train to Paris just for dinner and back.
00:28Ooh. I'm going to show you and her...
00:31No!
00:32..how you can have a top holiday for rock-bottom prices.
00:35Ooh! Are we allowed to be here? Are you squatting?
00:38I'm leaving very few stones unturned in my hunt to find a holiday deal.
00:41I know it's quite a long journey. It was like three hours, but I got 10% off.
00:45And at one point, I take my top off.
00:47I'll assume there'll be some sort of trigger-warming.
00:49Oh, cool. I am not blessed.
00:52Oh! Oh!
01:04I do wonder how many people can see my vagina.
01:09This week, we're going on a family beach break in the sun,
01:12and I'm bringing Catherine to Bulgaria to the Black Sea Resort at Sozapol.
01:19Here, you've got all you need for a fun family getaway.
01:23Sunshine, beaches, water sports and food.
01:29Good to know he's got food.
01:31And loads of activities to stop the kids having a meltdown.
01:35My last meltdown was in a car phone warehouse near Wembley.
01:39And best of all, this holiday isn't going to break the bank.
01:43I've arrived at our accommodation ahead of Catherine,
01:46who insisted I book us on to separate flights,
01:48because in her words, I can be very grating.
01:52Ooh! Nice.
01:59Catherine.
02:01Hi, Joe. I am at a regional airport,
02:06surrounded by screaming children that aren't mine,
02:09on an airline I've never heard of,
02:11which is unsurprisingly delayed by three hours.
02:14Time is money, Joe. How's this a bargain?
02:17What the ?
02:20She sounds like she's in a good mood.
02:25Oh, bullbags.
02:29We're staying at the Santa Marina Holiday Village,
02:32and it has everything you could ever dream of.
02:35Five swimming pools, eight, I don't know what they are,
02:40restaurants, shops, kids' clubs and a free golf buggy shuttle.
02:47It's five-star service, but at two-and-a-half-star prices.
02:51As you can see, we have a fountain here.
02:53I love fountains. I've never had a fountain of mine.
02:57Well, thank you very much.
02:58No problem. I needed that.
03:00A little bit less stressed.
03:03This holiday village has both self-catered and all-inclusive options.
03:07Just leave it there.
03:09But since I like to eat on the move, as well as sitting down,
03:13I've booked us into a four-person, self-catered apartment.
03:18This cost me £125 a night, so for a family of four,
03:22that works out at £32 per person, per night.
03:28Yes.
03:29And for this, you get a whole kitchen.
03:31That's nice to stay put, washing up stuff in a bag.
03:34A bathroom.
03:36This one doesn't need to know that, though.
03:40I just broke wind on the towels.
03:43Must remember those are mine.
03:45Balcony.
03:46Right, is it a fold-out?
03:48Yes. Thank you.
03:50OK.
03:52And a comfy sofa bed for the kiddies.
03:55Oh, it's perfect.
03:57Here she goes again.
04:00Hopefully she's cheered up.
04:02They don't have proper lounges, just mini lounges,
04:06that you pay for with names like Aspire.
04:08So I did that, but the lounge is at capacity.
04:10So I'm sat on the floor.
04:12What does she mean?
04:15I'm going to text her that the sofas have put that.
04:23Media reply, f*** you.
04:26Oh, looks like she's in one of her moods again.
04:29But I'd not travelled 1,828.2 miles just to sit around
04:33waiting for Catherine to get her bum in gear.
04:37Plus, beer's a two-pounder pint,
04:39so it looks like someone's going to be sleeping on the floor tonight.
04:49I'll do myself a little first day of a family holiday.
04:53Mousy.
04:54Mousy's are selfies taken from the angle of a mouse.
04:57And that is my best invention yet.
04:59My other inventions include spepper, which is ready-mix salt and pepper.
05:03Six, five, four, three, two, one.
05:11Mainly bag and shoe, but apart from that, never mind.
05:14Oh, got a text from Catherine.
05:20Oh, look.
05:26Oh, it's a voice message.
05:28I am finally boarding the budget f***ing bell cheese airline.
05:34OK.
05:35This is bulls***, Joe.
05:37Sorry.
05:37Do you know what I could have been doing in the hours that it has f***ing f***ing taken me...
05:44It's all right.
05:45...to just get to this point, just departing from f***ing London.
05:48I could be on OnlyFans, Joe, waggling my f***ing around.
05:52There's kids in here.
05:53Catherine, there's kids in here.
05:54I could have a niche pregnancy account.
05:56I'll put it under my bag.
05:57I could be sitting nude on pasta...
06:01Muffled it a little bit.
06:02...for sex work, Joe.
06:04It's very lucrative.
06:06I would rather do that than what I've done to f***ing today.
06:09So f***ing you.
06:10I hope you're having a great time.
06:12And I will try to remain open and positive, Joe, but I'm pissed.
06:18The next day, I'm up early and I head down to wait for Catherine
06:21at one of the many lovely beaches.
06:24Hopefully, she'll have calmed down and won't lash out at me.
06:27It's beautiful with the sand in that.
06:31This is fantastic.
06:34The beautiful Bulgarian coastline is hugged by 80 miles of sandy beaches,
06:39with many, like this one, patrolled by lifeguards with lovely short hair.
06:43It is hot from May to September when temperatures tickle 30 degrees Celsius,
06:48but I'm not sure how Catherine's going to feel about that as she burns very easily
06:52and then her skin flakes off in large clumps, apparently.
06:56Luckily, I can rent a sunshade for just three and a half quid,
06:59but if I'm honest, I'm not sure I can be arsed.
07:02Oh, Catherine, hi.
07:05Welcome to Bulgaria for a family holiday.
07:10Did you have a nice flight?
07:13So, the flight that you booked me was delayed?
07:18Yep.
07:19Then, finally, when we took off, a man promptly shat himself.
07:24Yep.
07:25I want to learn about bargains, all right?
07:27I'm really open.
07:28But you know when sometimes really poor people win the lottery and it ruins their lives?
07:32It's too much too soon and that's what you've done to me.
07:34I played travel connect four with a person next to me on my flight.
07:42Would you like some Bulgaria facts?
07:44Yeah.
07:46The Bulgarian flag has three colours, white for peace and love,
07:51green for freedom and hope and red for bravery, strength and nosebleeds.
07:55Would you like another fact?
07:56Mm-hmm.
07:58Bulgaria offers the second best value overall as a holiday destination just behind Turkey.
08:04Well, this watermelon is delicious and it costs the equivalent of way less than a pound.
08:11I had a really nice time yesterday. I'm sorry someone shat themselves on your flight.
08:15I am genuinely glad you had a good time.
08:17I had a cocktail by the pool and I went on a golf buggy. It was cool.
08:24All right, Joe, but this is meant to be a family bargain holiday and I'm sorry to tell you that
08:28as
08:28the one with a real family, you got to like do things with them. You could just sit by a
08:32pool
08:33having cocktails. They don't tolerate that.
08:35Okay. Well, do you want to do some water sports? I don't know what that means in your world, but
08:39water sports in my world is going in the sea, not peddling on each other. Do not pedal on one
08:46another.
08:48There are 16 different water sport options available here and all are suitable for kids
08:53and adults. Activities range from £9 upwards and there are money-saving packages for those who are
09:00flashy enough to do three or more. Now, I really need to cheer Catherine up, so I've spunked £49 on
09:08two water sports, parasailing and banana boating. This is a family holiday. People love to see Daddy
09:15getting up to exciting feats of strength. First up, I need a safety briefing. This is the best part of
09:21the holiday for me. Keep talking, buddy boy. The signal in the air, if you want to return back,
09:28is to make like this with your legs. So that's our safe word. If you want to go back, clap
09:33your legs.
09:33I also explained that I have my own safety word, which is Alabama. Incidentally, Una Stubbs and Lou Diamond
09:40Phillips both use the word flagon when things in the bedroom get way out of hand. Catherine?
09:46Yeah?
09:47I hate the fact you're pregnant because you don't have to do this madness.
09:51I'm a sacred vessel, Joe. Sorry.
09:54Two, three...
09:55What do you mean two, three? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
09:57Bye, bye.
09:57What are we doing? Why are we...? No, no, no! Come back! Come back!
10:03Ha-ha! Oh, God! Ha-ha! Oh, God! No, this is too high already! Ha-ha-ha!
10:09Cast in solo! Ha-ha-ha!
10:13Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:15Ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:16Too high! Too high!
10:18Oh, the love of God! Oh, willies!
10:21Oh, he's having a great time. His legs can be further apart.
10:25Oh, when the saints come watching in!
10:30Oh, God! Jesus, what? Ha! Fuck!
10:33Joe and I have a special bond. We can communicate telepathically.
10:37Stop making you go higher, please!
10:40Higher, Joe. Yep. Higher. That's what he's trying to communicate to me.
10:44Look, I'm doing that leg thing! Alabama! Alabama!
10:47He loves it. Oh, I'm not going down, please!
10:51Oh, I'm hitting my legs! I'm hitting my legs!
10:54God! He's clapping his legs.
10:56I want to go somewhere expensive now.
10:59Better take a mousey before it's too late.
11:03This takes ages to come back in!
11:05You know, you can't just reel someone in when they're 200 meters up,
11:09just like you can't just take someone from a lifestyle of luxury
11:11and put them on a budget airline.
11:13I can't believe I'm holding this. Let's in GoPro!
11:18Whilst my screens are blatantly ignored, here's a top travel tip.
11:24Are you bored of your hair colour? Weird question.
11:28For free highlights, cut lemons in half and squeeze the juice on your hair
11:32before going in the sun. What?!
11:47After a less than ideal start to our family beach break in Bulgaria...
11:52I am finally boarding the budget bell cheese airline.
11:58Thank you. Sorry for the language.
12:00Things have really started to take off.
12:02And by things, unfortunately, I mean moi.
12:09Alabama! Alabama!
12:12We're bringing you in, Joe.
12:14This feels like something you do if people have been bad.
12:19I don't deserve this.
12:21Want again?
12:22No, no, no!
12:23Hold on, hold on!
12:24Please!
12:24I cried so much!
12:25I did it!
12:26Okay, clap your legs, Joe.
12:27Just keep clapping your legs.
12:28There you go.
12:29Yeah, you want it.
12:30Yeah.
12:30Alabama!
12:31Alabama!
12:31That's the language they understand.
12:33Alabama!
12:33The international language of safe word.
12:37Alabama! Alabama!
12:39How was it, Joe?
12:40Oh, it was good!
12:41Yeah, good!
12:42Oh, no!
12:43I did really well, yeah?
12:44Yeah, you did great.
12:46They're not nice people, but I hope to God I never see them again.
12:49Do you know, some people love adrenaline.
12:51They like to feel alive.
12:53I like to feel alive.
12:54That's my issue.
12:55If we were a real family, Joe, and we had a bunch of kids,
12:58they would have enjoyed that.
12:59They'd be talking about daddy flipping out for four years.
13:02Yeah, flipping out.
13:03What do you mean flipping out?
13:04Flipping out?
13:05You are flipping out.
13:07Very brave.
13:09Ooh, up next is the banana boat.
13:12Oh, balls.
13:14One rule about bargain holidays, if you paid for it,
13:17you've got to do it, unfortunately.
13:20Oh, horse shit!
13:21Horse shit, horse shit, horse shit!
13:23I'm trying to take in the view!
13:26Who comes up with this shit?
13:28Oh, don't turn the turn!
13:2947 with bad knees!
13:31I've got to get wet now!
13:33I have beautiful hair!
13:35Come on, Joe!
13:37Okay, okay, this has gone weird!
13:42This has gone weird!
13:43I think I'm the most banana boat rider there's ever been!
13:47I think it's impossible to get me off!
13:49Oh my God, I'm the Pele of banana boating!
13:51What are you doing?
13:58Yeah, I wish we had kids, because that's what kids love on holiday.
14:01They want to watch daddy fall off a banana boat.
14:07Finding out I'm magnificent of banana boating has made me hungry,
14:11so I insist Katherine sits on a bench while I fetch her some lunch.
14:15Sosa Paul has loads of food choices, so I insist you ditch the restaurants during the day,
14:20because the food stall's top notch!
14:23You can get dishes like fried seafood, omelettes, moussaka, hot dogs, or kebabs,
14:28all costing around two quid.
14:30So I went nuts and got us a few different piggy bits.
14:33I ate the omelette before I even got there, because she was right at the bottom of the hill.
14:36Katherine?
14:40I've got lunch.
14:42What? What have you got, Jo?
14:44Smoothie?
14:45This is a lot of smoothie, this is ice cream.
14:47And then I've got you, I said a long pancake.
14:52Okay, thank you.
14:53Um, you like fish, but do you like fish with their heads on in batter?
14:57Sure.
14:58Fruit for the baby!
15:00Wow, that fruit looks amazing.
15:02And that's why I got you a melon.
15:03A giant melon.
15:04That, I forgot one, oh, a wrap.
15:07Oh, a wrap, I'll hold that for you.
15:10A wrap, chippy tea.
15:10Wow, love chips.
15:12A family loves chips, it's a win with a kid.
15:15Last but not least, some cake.
15:18Wow.
15:19Got your cake.
15:20This is a lot of food, Jo.
15:22How much was it?
15:2312 quid, the lot.
15:24All of this is 12 quid.
15:25That was expensive, but I didn't give a shit.
15:27But I know you haven't had a fun day so far, so the next thing we're going to do is
15:32just for you.
15:34Is it in the shade?
15:35It's in the shade.
15:36What else would you like in your perfect afternoon?
15:39I don't like crowds, and I really hate sun, and I really also dislike filth, like being dirty,
15:45like having a bunch of crap on me.
15:49Okay, we're going to do a spa.
15:52Yeah!
15:52Yeah, with chocolate.
15:54Come on.
15:55Are you sure you don't want to fish with a head?
15:57I'll try it.
15:58Yeah, yeah, I'll try it.
15:59I'll try anything once, Jo.
16:00Um, you all right with the melon?
16:02Yeah.
16:03Okay, let's get you in that spa.
16:04Oh, oh.
16:06Okay.
16:07Round two, I can do it.
16:08Yeah, you can do it.
16:09I feel bad because you're...
16:10No, no, no, Jo.
16:11I'm on this holiday with you, all right?
16:12I should have to suffer as well.
16:14Okay.
16:15It's really fun.
16:16You look kind of less glamorous with the massive melon.
16:20After an exhausting morning at the beach, it's back to the holiday village to pretend to
16:24drop the children off at the kids club.
16:26So this bit makes sense.
16:28And then we head to the spa.
16:31The Viva Mare Wellness Centre offers treatments for both children and adults,
16:35and the massages start at £28 upwards.
16:38I've booked us in for the chocolate delight experience.
16:42Now, Catherine explained that at home a chocolate delight experience is when
16:45someone f***s on you while you do the hoovering, but here it just involves a chocolate face mask,
16:50coffee scrub, massage, and a foam bath.
16:53This treatment costs £40 for an hour and a half.
16:56That's just 50p a minute.
16:58Unbeatable value if you're happy to be touched by a stranger.
17:03Which I am not.
17:05Thank you so much for bringing in here.
17:09Oh, what's...
17:10Is this not...
17:11Okay, what's happening?
17:11This is...
17:12Why is it chocolate?
17:12Oh, ah, it's chocolate.
17:15Do you have any issues getting touched?
17:17Yeah, I won't.
17:18You don't like it?
17:19No.
17:21Do you get treatments in London, Joe?
17:24Like facials and massages and body scrubs, lymphatic drainage, that kind of thing.
17:29Sometimes go to the football.
17:31I love this.
17:35Hello.
17:36What are you doing now?
17:38Coffee.
17:39What do you mean coffee?
17:40What the devil?
17:42Why are you putting it on my legs?
17:45Okay.
17:46Do we know if this helps or anything?
17:47Yes, Joe.
17:48Coffee is exfoliating and super circulation.
17:53It's all like absolute horseshit.
17:55Is it scratching?
17:56It's honestly horrendous.
17:59Good.
17:59I'm glad you feel this way, Joe, because this is how I feel doing a lot of your activities.
18:04Oh, God.
18:04Finally, you're in my world.
18:06Although, I'm sure this was a bargain.
18:07How much is it?
18:08About 40 quid.
18:09Which feels like just opening a window and lussing it out.
18:17Whoa, it's on my arms.
18:18Listen, Joe, you don't seem very relaxed.
18:20No, no, not at the moment, because this lady is covering me in this cafe.
18:26I could do this all day.
18:28Really?
18:29Joe.
18:30Yeah?
18:31I have an infant at home.
18:34It's lovely.
18:37If they shut the door in here, we're left at home.
18:40I'm going to freak out.
18:48Oh, what's happening there?
18:51Okay, okay.
18:52It's not the chocolate.
18:52Oh, my back farted.
18:55My lower back is farting, because there's...
18:57Oh, see?
18:59Look, it's exactly normal.
19:03Joe, you are ruining this for me.
19:06I am not telling you anything.
19:08If something happens, someone puts coffee on me.
19:10Give me...
19:11Now we're back.
19:12It's f***ed.
19:13One nice day.
19:17It is...
19:22Joe.
19:25Please let me have one nice day.
19:29I don't know what to tell you.
19:34I'm going to just zone out.
19:35This is not happening.
19:40This is not happening.
20:07Touch your arms and be really sad.
20:09Oh, my God, it feels exactly like it's different than mine, is it?
20:15It's softer.
20:16The dead skin's also gone.
20:18Maybe that's what gave me my age.
20:23I don't know.
20:28Oh, my God.
20:31While I nip back to apologise for backfarting a little bit too much,
20:35here's another pointless top tip.
20:37Are you worried about your valuables being damaged during travel?
20:41Well, you should.
20:43Don't buy an expensive case.
20:45Just wrap them in clothes and sticky tape.
20:49Loads and loads of effing sticky tape.
20:52You don't look like a plank doing that.
21:13It's day three of our Bulgarian beach break with my ex-judo instructor and pal, Catherine Ryan,
21:18and now we're having fun.
21:20Alabama!
21:22Alabama!
21:25So, you are ruining this for me.
21:29Today, we're exploring the old town of Sozopol.
21:33The charming cobbled town centre has traditional wooden buildings,
21:37medieval churches,
21:39a market,
21:40and a fascinating selection of shops.
21:43The perfect place to spend money on things you absolutely don't need.
21:47Probably won't like this idea,
21:48but I'm going to say it anyway.
21:51Would you like...
21:51No, you won't like it.
21:52What is it? Come on.
21:54Do you want to do a bit of shopping?
21:55Yes, I do.
21:56Oh, really?
21:57Yeah, that's fun.
21:58No, I like a mooch.
21:59Even if I don't buy anything, you know.
22:01And I still have to get you holiday presents,
22:03so maybe I will.
22:05Go on.
22:06Joe.
22:06Enjoy yourself.
22:07A little bit of pocket money.
22:08How much is 50 left?
22:0950 left is about 20 pounds.
22:11I'm going to get you something as well.
22:12Okay.
22:13This is nice.
22:14This is good for families to split up at home.
22:16Yeah, yeah, split up
22:16and give ourselves a bit of time away from each other
22:18so we can have a little mental gripe.
22:21Sure.
22:21Enjoy the market, Joe.
22:22Enjoy the market.
22:23See you soon.
22:24Bye.
22:28The shops and market in Sozopol
22:29are open every day throughout the summer.
22:31Yeah, so that's cool.
22:33There are a number of traditional Bulgarian products
22:35that you can pick up on the cheap
22:37like rose oil,
22:38traditional pottery,
22:40and handcrafted items like lace jewellery
22:42and the local booze called rakia.
22:45And before you start splurging,
22:47they prefer cash over card.
22:50Catherine really likes cash points.
22:52There's a rumour going around
22:54that she's got one in her hallway.
22:57What's, like, $400?
23:01Oh!
23:02Yes!
23:05Figured it out.
23:06Great, now I have some money.
23:08I don't really feel like this is cheating
23:09because Joe didn't say
23:10that I couldn't get more money out.
23:12It's just in case.
23:13It just makes me feel better.
23:14Okay.
23:15Look at this.
23:17Handmade, local design, all that stuff.
23:20How much is it?
23:21I can afford it.
23:22Mustn't panic buy.
23:24Breathe, don't rush.
23:26Come back.
23:26I don't really like getting people
23:29just random magnets on holiday.
23:31I feel like that is cliche.
23:33Ooh, gelato.
23:34I don't know how much arse tattoos are.
23:38Antiques!
23:39Joe loves antiques.
23:40He's, like, a really old-fashioned man.
23:42It's right with all that crystal shit.
23:44Oh, I think Joe might eat a crystal
23:45for protection.
23:49I don't know.
23:50What together?
23:51It's all nice.
23:58Oh, I think Joe would like a medal.
24:01Oh, I think Joe would like a medal.
24:12from your kingdom.
24:15This one is for showing bravery.
24:18Yeah.
24:19I love that.
24:20And my friend Joe showed bravery
24:21because he went parasailing,
24:23even though he was scared.
24:2620, 120, and 20, 160.
24:29I don't care that I'm blowing Joe's budget
24:31because Joe's budgets are unreasonable.
24:34Thank you, sir.
24:35I love it here.
24:36I've got the perfect gift.
24:38Thanks to you.
24:42Yeah, I'd cough too, mate,
24:43if I'd seen a spunk of budget like that.
24:45What is wrong with this woman?
24:48With gifts bought
24:49and budgets ignored,
24:50we'll exchange our presents
24:52at the end of the trip.
24:53It's time for lunch
24:55and I've booked us into the windmill.
24:57Off the top of my head,
24:58I can't remember
24:58why they call it the windmill.
25:01This classy open-top restaurant
25:02has panoramic views of the coastline,
25:05a twice-weekly folk night,
25:06and most important,
25:08some of the best traditional Bulgarian cuisine
25:10you'll ever have.
25:11I bet our invisible kids will love it.
25:15Very gassy.
25:16Hey, Joe.
25:17Hi, Catherine.
25:18This is a nice restaurant.
25:20I sourced it on the internet.
25:23Um, I've ordered us some picky bits.
25:26Thanks.
25:26Yeah, some traditional Bulgarian picky bits.
25:29Would you like some facts?
25:30Fact my brain's out.
25:31Okay.
25:32Do you want to know how to say
25:33hello in, uh, Bulgarian?
25:35Oh.
25:36Yes.
25:37Hello.
25:37Hello.
25:38Hi.
25:38You could have said it now, Joe.
25:40Oh, yes.
25:40How do you say it?
25:41Uh, blagadorah.
25:43Yeah.
25:43Oh.
25:44She left.
25:45I think that means goodbye.
25:46Try another one.
25:48You're welcome.
25:49Bla...
25:51Blaga...
25:53Striking out.
25:54Wow.
25:55Brutal.
25:57Joe, I'm so excited about this soup.
25:59Oh.
26:01Love it.
26:02It tastes like tzatziki, but a soup.
26:05Is that good?
26:05Mm-hmm.
26:06Mm.
26:07And do you know how much this meal will cost us?
26:11And this is included in a shupska salad.
26:14That's my favorite salad.
26:15Garlic bread.
26:16Yep.
26:17Pork sizzler.
26:19Mm.
26:19Water, soft drink.
26:22Doradoah.
26:23All comes to 26 quid.
26:26Ba-ba-ba.
26:27Bargain.
26:27And this place isn't even that much of a cheapy place.
26:30This is above mid-range.
26:32This is a nice restaurant, yeah.
26:33I feel like English schools don't teach us about these places.
26:38My school was 90% woodwork.
26:41My school was 100% French.
26:44What?
26:44No English.
26:45You're punished if you spoke English.
26:48So going back to you speaking French, if I spoke another language, it would be the first
26:52thing I said to people every time I met them.
26:55Hello, I speak two languages.
26:58Just use this, Joe.
26:59I'll get you, like, a translating app.
27:03What do you want to say in Bulgarian?
27:05Where is your nearest cannon?
27:07Okay.
27:08Large cannon.
27:10Large cannon.
27:10Not one of those kind of pissy ones you can't struggle.
27:12Okay.
27:13We're going to say it in this.
27:15Where is your nearest large cannon?
27:18Wait.
27:19I almost understood that.
27:20Maybe I've picked up a bit of Bulgarian.
27:22Wait.
27:23We need it to say it out loud.
27:24She did.
27:25That Bulgarian lady said it.
27:27Where is your nearest big cannon?
27:28Oh, my God.
27:28I've got an ear for this language.
27:31Hang on.
27:32Do I just pick languages up like that?
27:35I'm going to figure it out.
27:37Oh, my God.
27:37I'm going to figure it out.
27:38Where is your nearest big cannon?
27:40Again, where is your nearest cannon?
27:42That's what she said, right?
27:43Yeah.
27:44Hello.
27:45Hello.
27:45I speak fluent Bulgarian.
27:47Turns out.
27:48Hello.
27:48See?
27:50You're welcome.
27:52I can just do it.
27:53This is mad.
27:55Welcome.
27:57Having paid the bill of just £26, it's time to head back into lovely Sozopol.
28:02I might have a quick chat with the locals now, I'm fluent in the language.
28:06I am absolutely over the moon, I speak Bulgarian.
28:09Now, no cheap family break is complete without a souvenir photo, so our next stop is a dress-up
28:15photo booth.
28:16What could possibly go wrong?
28:17It's just £4.50 per person, and as well as being a fun bargain memory of our trip,
28:23it also doubles up as the perfect Christmas gift for the lads at Fiverside.
28:26Well, what are you going to wear?
28:28Oh, what?
28:29I can show you around the costumes as well.
28:31Yes, please.
28:31Mm-hmm.
28:33Oh, this is so cool.
28:35These are Pagoni.
28:37They show your rank.
28:39Oh, yeah, I am rank.
28:40This is a general costume.
28:42Oh, yeah.
28:43Yes.
28:44I could just put that on over my dress.
28:46You can wear that on a Tinder date, or...
28:48Yeah, because, like, you can't really even tell that I'm pregnant.
28:51No, you could hoodwink someone.
28:53I could.
28:54Yes.
28:54Yes.
28:55Oh, my God.
28:56Look at you, little Bo Peep.
28:57Oh, look at this.
28:59Oh, yes.
29:01Joe.
29:01I need to quickly put my bag back on.
29:04You look really authentic to the era, and I look authentic to the era, apart from they
29:10didn't have Botox back then, but we've not evolved at all.
29:13We don't look modern.
29:14Did your ancestors all, like, mate in one zone?
29:16Oh, yeah, and they could not get their hands off each other.
29:19Oh, no.
29:21Are you sure you're going to be with the bag?
29:22Yeah, I love this bag.
29:24And did people not smile?
29:26I mean, it's up to you, please.
29:28No, Joe, I don't want to hold this grotty folder.
29:31Oh, forget it.
29:31Get the folder out of the picture.
29:33They didn't have folders then, Joe.
29:34They had to...
29:35They would have had...
29:36Parchment.
29:36Yeah.
29:37You hold this like this, and then this.
29:40Yes, I would.
29:41That's how I would have held it.
29:42Oh, thank you.
29:43And you need to hold a fan with attitude, like this.
29:46Don't come for me unless that's sent for you.
29:49Oh, hello.
29:56God, this is absolutely brilliant.
29:59Are you going to see you don't smile as well?
30:00Smile?
30:01No, because I'm being forced to marry this man who's a war criminal.
30:05A piece of shit.
30:06But I'm loving it.
30:07And my parents are disguising the fact that I'm already six months pregnant.
30:11Okay, now we'll change the pose so...
30:13Oh, yeah.
30:14Get up.
30:14Okay.
30:16Now, there, there's room for your foot.
30:19Is this going to be our Christmas card?
30:20Yes.
30:21Yeah.
30:22Plastic sword.
30:26Thank you so much.
30:28It's not allowing.
30:30It's a real problem for me.
30:35Look, I'm staring off in the distance.
30:37I'm miserable.
30:38Just like they were back then.
30:40I look like a mannequin in a good way.
30:43Yeah.
30:44Love it.
30:44Thank you so much.
30:47Easily the best day of my life.
30:50Having shopped, eaten and worn a big hat, you must be wondering how this day could get any better.
30:56I'll tell you how it can, by going on a sightseeing trip on a boat with a statue on it
31:01that has massive bollocks.
31:05Yeah.
31:06Who is that?
31:07Poseidon.
31:08And he's the Greek king of the sea?
31:10Yeah.
31:11Mythology?
31:12Yeah.
31:12Oh, my gosh.
31:13And he's got lovely sounding testes.
31:16Ooh.
31:18You want to have a twang of his testes?
31:20Are we allowed to ring them bells?
31:21No, not really, but I know a guy who knows a guy.
31:29Um, this is a...
31:31Poseidon is a pirate-themed boat and restaurant.
31:33For a 90-minute trip out on the open sea, it costs just £5.30 per adult, £3 for children,
31:39and nothing for the under-sixes.
31:41Well, they get it for free.
31:42I don't know what that is in pieces of eight, but I'm pretty sure it's a bargain.
31:47I'm on a boat.
31:48I'm on a boat.
31:49I'm on a boat.
31:50Everybody look at me because I'm sailing on a boat.
31:53I'm on a boat.
31:54I'm on a boat.
31:55I'm on a boat.
31:55I'm on a boat.
31:56Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat.
31:59Yeah.
32:00Cheers, Joe.
32:01Cheers.
32:01Here's to a wonderful family holiday.
32:04Mmm.
32:05Mmm.
32:07It's amazing how quickly you become seasick, isn't it?
32:10No, I feel great.
32:11And, you know, a family, I think especially little ones, would really feel like pirates on this ship.
32:17They'd love it.
32:18Yeah.
32:19Are you all right, Joe?
32:21Oh, please don't be sick.
32:23You will ruin it for me.
32:25I never puke, Fanta.
32:27Okay.
32:28Well, why don't you concentrate on some facts?
32:30Pirate facts?
32:31Yep.
32:32The skull and crossbones on the flag is officially called the Jolly Roger.
32:39Oh, was that Jolly Roger?
32:41I thought that Jolly Roger was a person.
32:43No, no.
32:44It's the skull and crossbones.
32:45Have you seen those blue lights?
32:48Yep.
32:48They're old, oldie-worldie pirate blue.
32:51They had LEDs in pirate times.
32:53Yes, to stop people taking heroin.
32:55Brrrr.
32:57Are you all right, Joe?
33:01Having a nice holiday.
33:02Yeah.
33:03When you travel with an actual family, it's a kick in my dick.
33:08Like, getting them anywhere is like, oh, God.
33:11But being here now, you know, I'm all in.
33:14I want to learn about bargains.
33:15I am enjoying myself.
33:16And if you need to get out of your country for whatever reason...
33:19Just don't go by boat.
33:21You can do it.
33:22God, I miss land.
33:25Here we go, in this way and that way, over the Irish seat, with a bottle of rum to soothe
33:30my tumble...
33:31While I go for my first ever Fanta Chanda, here's another top tip.
33:36Do you hate being charged for carry-on luggage?
33:38Of course you do.
33:39Well, then try stuffing your essentials into a duty-fee carrier bag, because it doesn't actually count as carry-on.
33:46They'll almost definitely, probably maybe not charge you.
34:00It's the final day of our bargain family holiday to Bulgaria, and we've conquered the result of Sozapol by land...
34:08It's going to be our Christmas card.
34:09Yes.
34:09Yeah.
34:10Seed.
34:12That's what kids love on holiday.
34:14They want to watch Daddy fall off of the nanobo.
34:16And, unfortunately, air.
34:18God!
34:19Oh, Willis!
34:20For our last day, we've travelled three hours north to the pearl of the Black Sea, Varna.
34:26This maritime city dates back to ancient Greece, and it's a great place for a family day out.
34:32It has even more beaches, some massive rocks, and Bulgaria's biggest park.
34:39I'm not actually selling this, but honestly, I absolutely love the pissing place.
34:44So, what are we doing in Varna, then?
34:46Oh, well, um, I've basically brought you here to make sweets.
34:51That's a nice family activity.
34:52Yeah, really family, yeah.
34:54And I know it's quite a long journey.
34:56It was like three hours, but I got 10% off.
34:58We drove three hours so you could get 10% off.
35:01Yeah.
35:02Is that mad when you say it out loud?
35:03A family holiday.
35:05Yeah, it's got to make sweets, right?
35:06Kids would love it.
35:06Yeah.
35:08Screaming in the car for three hours, wetting themselves.
35:10Yeah, we're good.
35:25Workshops at Happy Candy cost 14 Bulgarian leves.
35:28That's just six quid, and it's 10% less with a discount voucher that you can pick up in
35:33hotels and in the store.
35:35This is candy.
35:39See, if she turns that back, I'm pushing my face into that.
35:42Very, very, one second, and it's finished.
35:44It stays hot for a long time.
35:46Like you.
35:49Until exactly 36, and then I hit a brick wall.
35:54Oh, it's hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
35:56It's still hot.
35:57Ow.
35:57I don't have fingers for work.
36:00It's too hot, Joe.
36:01It's all hot.
36:03Hot?
36:03It's like if your face is hot.
36:04Joe, everything you want to do is work.
36:07You said you're going on a holiday.
36:10I took my gloves off, but my hands are still black.
36:12No.
36:13I feel like I'm back in college.
36:14Oh, it's hard now.
36:15Oh, no.
36:16It was hard.
36:17It's soft again.
36:18Hang on.
36:18Let's give him a minute.
36:19Stop.
36:20Okay.
36:21Put it off.
36:23Oh!
36:23Ah!
36:25It's a meat smile.
36:35It feels like a very phallic job that I've been training my entire life for.
36:41Sit back to you.
36:42I've done that technique.
36:44Okay, you're just a man.
36:46Wow!
36:47Okay.
36:48Wow.
36:48Whoa!
36:50Wow!
36:52A little, a little, a little, a little.
36:54That's amazing.
36:55I wish everyone's winkle was strifey.
36:57It's like wanking off a horse.
36:59This is difficult.
37:00I know wanking off a horse is difficult.
37:03Do you?
37:03Oh, yeah.
37:04Yeah, and then.
37:05Wow.
37:06That's the best bit.
37:08I'm knobbing it.
37:09Oh, is this tricking kids into working for free?
37:14Yeah.
37:14Yeah.
37:15That's good.
37:16That is the best bit.
37:17Yeah, thank you for letting me do that.
37:18Just needs a light tappity-tap, Joe.
37:22Yeah!
37:23Best day ever.
37:25See?
37:26Oh!
37:27I'd love to see you grate cheese.
37:29Oh, little smiles.
37:31You want to try?
37:32Yes.
37:33Yes, please.
37:35Mmm!
37:37Thank you so much.
37:39They've still got their aprons on.
37:40Quick, get out.
37:41These are ours now.
37:43High on sugar and life, we head down to the most famous attractions in Varna,
37:48the sea gardens and the amusement park.
37:52The sea garden is home to the National Science Museum and the Naval Museum,
37:58the first planetarium in Bulgaria, the zoo, and the only Dolphinarium.
38:02Dolphinarium?
38:03There are dolphins in this park.
38:08I guess so.
38:09Yeah.
38:09The amusement park is situated in the middle of the sea garden and offers over 25 rides.
38:15And how much does it cost to be here?
38:17Nothing to get in.
38:18Wow!
38:18Yeah!
38:19Well, a family would love this.
38:21That's pretty sweet.
38:22No one on it!
38:23Oh, one girl.
38:24What a waste.
38:25That should be full.
38:28This wonderful little amusement park is home to some belting rides, which costs between £1.30 and £2.60, which
38:36seems like an odd amount.
38:38And it's even cheaper when you buy yourself a sweet little top-up card.
38:42Joe, I love these boats.
38:43How much does it cost to go on the boats?
38:46How much does it cost to go on the boats?
38:46With one of these cards.
38:47Oh!
38:47Yeah?
38:48One pal 30 each.
38:49Wow!
38:51Bosh.
38:51A trip on the bumper boats lasts ten minutes and it's a great way to explore their medium-sized boating
38:56lake from the water.
38:58See you, Joe!
38:59Uh, I think we'll go around once.
39:03What a baller!
39:04Oh, you know what?
39:05Kids love this kind of shit.
39:07I feel bad that my actual kids aren't here.
39:15This is relaxing, but I do wonder how many people can see my vagina.
39:22Where is Joe?
39:29It just sort of goes around in a circle, I guess.
39:31Hi.
39:33Joe!
39:33Uh-oh!
39:34Oh, no!
39:35I'm going to crash into the boy!
39:36Pfft!
39:37What are you doing, Joe?
39:39It just goes around in a circle.
39:40You've got to steer.
39:42I am!
39:43This boy's coming back for more.
39:45Okay.
39:46He's got a taste for blood.
39:47Oh.
39:48Oh.
39:48Fair play.
39:49You leave my friend Joe alone.
39:51I don't really have full control of this.
39:54Joe, there's nothing I can do.
39:55Just get away from the boy.
39:57He's bullying you, Joe.
39:59That happens.
40:00He smells fear.
40:03Child's coming for me now.
40:05Nice try.
40:06I've had my perineum torn by two kids already.
40:09Do your worst.
40:12Ah, no, it's spinning again.
40:14Tards.
40:16It's not unpleasant.
40:20Thank you very much.
40:22Oh, no.
40:27I've got to find Joe and rescue him.
40:30The RNLI, have they ever been called out for one of these?
40:33Hi.
40:34Ah.
40:35Joe!
40:37Hi.
40:38You're not still spinning a circle.
40:39Yeah.
40:40No!
40:41Yeah.
40:42Well, how are we going to get you out of there?
40:43I'll send a man.
40:51All right, Joe.
40:52I've got a man to help.
40:54Hi.
40:56My one goes in a circle.
40:59So everything's going to be okay?
41:02Okay.
41:18Joe, how humiliating.
41:20It was quite humiliating.
41:22Thank you for saving Joe.
41:25Joe, do you know what people think around this amusement park?
41:27They think that I allowed myself to be impregnated by a man who can't drive a child's bumper
41:32car.
41:32I know.
41:33It's such an itch.
41:35I know.
41:36Joe!
41:37After being told off by Catherine, I ran off crying.
41:40I just needed some downtime to compose myself.
41:43Okay?
41:43Nothing wrong with that.
41:44This has got to be a safety issue.
41:46Joe!
41:48It's creaking a lot.
41:49Is that normal?
41:50No, Joe.
41:52If we're ever going to come on a family holiday, we need to bring actual kids.
41:56Yeah.
41:56Otherwise, it just looks weird.
42:01It's almost the end of our bargain family beach holiday, so where better to finish things
42:06off, seeing as we couldn't find a cannon to straddle, a beach restaurant called El Capan.
42:13Ah!
42:14This is cool.
42:15Whoa!
42:16It's all up, isn't it?
42:16And the chair really stinks.
42:18Oh, it goes down too far.
42:19Yeah.
42:20It feels unnerving.
42:22Got you a present.
42:23I got you a present.
42:24I did, yeah?
42:25Yeah.
42:26It's a cute little bag.
42:27You open them.
42:28I'll explain them one at a time.
42:29Oh, okay.
42:30One at a time.
42:31Yep.
42:32Another bag!
42:35Open the bag!
42:36Oh!
42:41Is that for being brave?
42:43Yes!
42:43It is a medal of bravery from some type of war.
42:47There were some communist medals, and they had a few Nazi medals, but this one was positive
42:51because you were so brave on the parasail.
42:54I was brave.
42:55And there's another thing.
42:58It's a beautiful bit of granite crystal from the mountains of Bulgaria.
43:08Oh, thank you!
43:10Cool things, right?
43:11Yeah!
43:12Now for yours.
43:13All right, I got you a present, but I also had some money over.
43:16Wow!
43:16So I got, like, a beer.
43:19Whoa!
43:20What?
43:20Yeah, they do massive beers.
43:21They can love beer here.
43:24Great.
43:25And then I got you this.
43:27Oh!
43:27Oh, yeah.
43:29Joe, I know what it is without even looking.
43:32See?
43:33Yep.
43:35It's the framed photo of us.
43:36Oh, it's not!
43:38No!
43:39I had a drawing kind of view.
43:45To commemorate my flight over here when the man in my row shot himself?
43:51Yeah.
43:51That is a memory that deserves to be a borderline and it will remind me never to fly on a
43:58bargain
43:59airline again.
44:00Aw, Joe, I love this.
44:02I knew you would.
44:04Ooh, hi, I pre-ordered some drinks.
44:08Wow, Joe.
44:10Wow.
44:11I got some chaises.
44:12Aw.
44:14Whoa.
44:17Hi, thank you.
44:18Joe, this is cool.
44:21Yes, it is, Catherine.
44:22And what's even cooler is that it all comes at just 24 quid.
44:26Fat dog alert!
44:27Hi, Percy.
44:28One big highlight of my trip is this stray dog.
44:32He's a delight.
44:33I liked banana boat because I'm really good at them.
44:38Mmm.
44:39I liked the food.
44:40I think Bulgaria has really nice salads with a lovely soft white cheese.
44:45I liked the thought of never paragliding again because I found that scary.
44:53I liked that if we had kids, they would have been absolutely tickled by the experience of
44:57watching Daddy lose his shit 200 meters above sea level.
45:01But I was far enough away that they wouldn't have seen me cry.
45:05Looks like Bulgaria has been a big hit with money and daddy.
45:09And if you fancy a bargain family beach break like ours, where everything including digs,
45:15grub, and entertainment for four days comes to £330 per person.
45:19Here are a few tips.
45:21If you love cash machines as much as Catherine, make sure you always select without conversion
45:26so you're charged in the local currency and avoid extortionate exchange rates.
45:32If your flight gets delayed like Catherine's, you might be owed money.
45:35So fill out a flight compensation letter online to make sure you get what you deserve.
45:40Finally, if you aren't lucky enough to pick up languages, like I am, download a free translation app.
45:47It'd be like having a little translator in your pocket.
45:53I'll tell you my favourite thing.
45:55Yeah?
45:56Finding out I can speak fluent Bulgarian.
45:58Wow, that was very impressive, Joe.
46:00I literally can't remember a word of it now, though.
46:05What a rollercoaster of a couple of days.
46:07Drink your horrible drink and I'll suck on my ice.
46:12I got to hang out with you?
46:14Yeah.
46:15Bologna's worth very little.
46:16I got to hang out with you.
46:46We'll see you next time.
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