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00:04I'm back at Rutgers today and not just because I'm dating a student. Two years ago,
00:10Rutgers Stadium was renamed in honor of the Scarlet Knights own Reggie Dinkins until his
00:16gambling scandal took him from goat to goat. The old version, that means bad. Greatest know they'll
00:23see. But earlier today, the stadium finally got a new name, honoring another famous Rutgers alum,
00:32Ally McBeal star, Calista Flockhart, because she was, quote, the opposite of Reggie Dinkins.
00:38Of all the things I lost, that won't hurt. Alma mater means nourishing mother in Latin.
00:45So it's like my own mother replaced me with Calista Flockhart.
00:49This is good. Reggie, this is the process. Keep going.
00:53When I was eight, a rat caught up on a toilet bone wearing my butt.
00:57All right, let's end there. Today was a breakthrough. You see, in the immersive
01:02documentary process, there is a stage known as embedding. Months, sometimes longer,
01:06spent gaining trust until finally, one day, the subject reveals
01:12which is, of course, Dolphin for I'm horny and I trust you.
01:21So good. Hey, you know, I want to hate her for what she did to you, but she makes
01:24Harrison Ford happy, so. Hey, Reg, you want to shoot some hoops?
01:30He's my best friend! Erase that!
01:34Come on and rise up, Reggie Dinkins.
01:41I have a new assistant. Ashley's OnlyFans got picked up to series by Hulu, so I jumped at the chance
01:48to uplift another woman of color when I got Shaniquany's email.
01:55I'm Shane E. Quinn III, and this is my first job ever.
02:01Good morning, and I've got some good news. I got you your first interview in seven years.
02:08See what happens when you put good things out there?
02:11You know what? One of you kids gets my watch.
02:16You deserve it!
02:18So who wants a piece? 60 Minutes? The theme song. Tick, tick, tick, tick. That's a banger!
02:23Well, it's the 60 Minutes of Monmouth County. The Monmouth County Register.
02:28Is that like a newspaper?
02:30Okay, I know it's small potatoes.
02:32But, Reggie, you like small potatoes. Remember the fingerly ones at the place with the rosemary?
02:37I did like those potatoes.
02:39Or, here's a real reason to do it. It's a chance to capitalize on that momentum.
02:44I spoke to the reporter. She doesn't even want to talk about gambling.
02:47Really? That's smurf-tastic! I can say that now to Rihanna the smurf.
02:51Good, because I already said yes.
02:52The reporter and the photographer will be here at 4.
02:55Finally. I can just talk about the good stuff.
02:58Like that time I did a Lambo leak, and I gave one of the guys that caught me an alibi
03:02in the murder case.
03:04Yeah, that was smurf-tastic.
03:06You can't say that!
03:08I think just don't talk about football at all.
03:10We want readers to meet you now.
03:12The father, the fiancé, a man who's not defined by his past.
03:17Readers? No one reads anymore.
03:20Yeah, they didn't even teach us how to read at Oberlin.
03:22The news is pictures now, Reggie.
03:25So just do what you're told and take a good picture.
03:28It'll be good practice for the wedding.
03:31Brina and Reggie have been engaged for over a year, and he still hasn't asked me to be his best
03:35man?
03:37Why? You know?
03:40Is it because of my toast at his and Monica's 10th anniversary party?
03:43I don't understand how we can all be celebrating when there's 33 Chilean minors under the ground right now.
03:50Go away, go away!
03:54I'm sorry about that guy.
03:56So what, now that they're, like, friends?
03:58I mean, what if Reggie chooses Tobin?
04:01And what is that best man's speech gonna be like?
04:04Well, you know, when Reggie rather approached one about, uh, what that, um, I meant to say.
04:11God dang it, he's so charming.
04:13Hmm, I do photograph well.
04:17Racine!
04:19I have to take an amazing picture.
04:21I got a job for you.
04:22You can count on me, Reggie.
04:24Yeah, me.
04:26Not you.
04:31Right there.
04:32What is that outfit?
04:34The power of suggestion, Monica.
04:37This green shirt is actually my old Jets jersey to remind people I play for the Jets.
04:43And so what, the yellow jacket is supposed to be like the one that you get from the Hall of
04:46Fame?
04:47And yet, I said nothing.
04:51Oh, please tell me that's not what I think it is.
04:55It's his Rutgers Stadium bust.
04:57Ow!
04:58What the hell is that?
04:59It's my bust.
05:00Oh, God, no.
05:01And she, statues are like boats, deserves to be seen.
05:05I mean, come on.
05:06Which one's the mom, right?
05:08No.
05:09I don't want that jacked up thing in our house.
05:11Reggie, come on.
05:13This is not what we discussed.
05:15Sure it is.
05:16I'll say whatever you want.
05:17But this is my visual story.
05:20So your story is sad old jock literally clings to the past?
05:25Man.
05:26And you want me to focus on my life now?
05:29Like my son Carmelo, who was just named two this weekend's Tricey All-Star game.
05:34Continuing my football legacy.
05:37Oh, football?
05:38I broke another Monica rule.
05:40I hope I don't go into Monica jail and get murdered like Monica Jeffrey Epstein.
05:44I forgot about Carmelo.
05:47I mean, could Reggie ask him to be his best man?
05:50He's only 17, okay?
05:52So he's not even a man, okay?
05:54And there's no such thing as best boy.
05:56I mean, well, there is on a movie set, but we're not making a movie.
05:59Oh, my God, no we are.
06:11When did it get so spooky up in here?
06:13When I'm done with that thing, there won't be anything left of it.
06:23It's okay.
06:25Who would ever suspect Shane?
06:28What?
06:30You're his friend.
06:33Just be cool.
06:35Be cool, you stupid hog.
06:38Thanks.
06:40Thanks.
06:42Thanks.
06:46Sibby, music off.
06:49She's gone.
06:52Who did this?
06:58Monica's bus is missing, and any one of you could have taken it.
07:02I didn't.
07:02But whoever did is a hero.
07:05That thing was Jank Key.
07:07Way to remove yourself from the suspect list, not Wayne's World.
07:12Is that like Lil Wayne's podcast?
07:14Don't distract me with your youth.
07:16You're the one that said you didn't want the statue in the house.
07:18Ow!
07:19What the hell is that?
07:20Hey, buddy, you know it wasn't me, okay?
07:23I said I liked the statue.
07:25I noticed that.
07:27Also noticed your pants on fire from lying.
07:30You ever tell, Rusty, when you lie, you lick your lips?
07:36And she, sculptures alike, Boats, deserves to be seen.
07:41I mean, come on, which one's the mom, right?
07:46No, I don't.
07:49Hey, Shaniquini, y'all shady.
07:51Why was you wearing rubber gloves?
07:53Who would ever suspect shame?
07:55I was burying a bird that hit a window.
07:59White people do do that.
08:01Reggie, look, we all know how much that statue means to you.
08:04Do you?
08:05I kept it because someday it was going back in the stadium.
08:09That's my stadium.
08:10That's the house that Reggie Dinkins built.
08:13I want that too, Reggie.
08:15And this interview is the way to get there.
08:17So get your head in the game and stop playing Black of the Christie.
08:21First of all, that's a great idea for a movie.
08:24Second of all, I haven't even gotten to Arthur Tobin yet.
08:28Yeah, if we're all suspects, and that includes him too, right?
08:32Wait, me?
08:33Yes, this drama's great for your little movie.
08:36Yeah, you got here like two months ago.
08:38You're not one of us.
08:39Reggie, why would I compromise the trust that we built up?
08:42After the breakthrough we had this morning,
08:44taking your prize sculpture is the very last thing I would do.
08:46Really?
08:47Last thing?
08:48Ahead of marrying Hitler?
08:50I am purely an observer.
08:53Uh, while filming in Madagascar,
08:55I watched a sloth kill itself rather than intervene.
08:58It took four days.
09:00And I don't know where it got that going.
09:02So I am not going to interfere here.
09:05But I do know who stole the bust.
09:07Well, I'm convinced.
09:09Arthur did it.
09:10Case closed.
09:11Now, let's go over your talking points.
09:13An obvious diversion.
09:15Earlier I overheard you on the phone saying...
09:17When I'm done with that thing, there won't be anything left of it.
09:19What exactly is that thing?
09:21It's none of your business.
09:24But, if it makes this go faster,
09:27I connected with a gentleman online and was describing my plan for later.
09:32Oh, damn.
09:33Subject change.
09:34What about Brina?
09:35So beautiful and thick.
09:37But the plot is thicker.
09:39I didn't do anything.
09:40Yes, you did.
09:41You walked all sneaky.
09:43Creeping like TLC.
09:45I had just painted my toenails.
09:47Oh, you gonna tell me you do your own nails?
09:49Usually I don't.
09:50But my girl Rosa's totally booked up because Cardi B's on trial.
09:54Are you done?
09:56We ain't done it to one of you fesses up.
09:58I'm always being lectured about owning my own mistakes.
10:01But you people won't do it yourselves.
10:03What's going on?
10:06Oh, are we doing Uncle Rusty's intervention?
10:08I'll get my letter.
10:10It's not that, son.
10:11Something terrible has happened.
10:13And I'm not addicted to the trampoline park, okay?
10:16I can stop whenever I want.
10:18Just please don't take that away from me.
10:20It's the only thing I have.
10:24So the bus is just gone?
10:28Well, the user's in trouble.
10:30I got my Dr. Watson with me now.
10:32Which makes me Dr. Watson's dad.
10:35Come on.
10:36Do you really have to drag the boy into your nonsense?
10:39Yes, I do, Monica.
10:40Because he's the only one in the family that understands where I'm coming from.
10:45Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
10:47Reggie choosing his son to be his best man would be nepotism.
10:51Well, then you might play for Rutgers.
10:52And you do not want to rub Calista Flockhart's bangs for luck.
10:57No.
10:58You want to kiss your daddy's head's mouth.
11:01Bangs?
11:02Wait, so the bus is season three, Ally McBeal?
11:04Wait, hold on.
11:07Is that an ear?
11:09That's my bus ear.
11:12We are no longer looking for a thief, Carmelo.
11:16We're looking for a murderer.
11:20How does bronze just break?
11:23Actually, it's not bronze.
11:25When my bus was made, there was a bronze shortage because of the Olympics.
11:29And you would know that if any of you gave a single dang F about his life.
11:35Lord, today.
11:36The interview is in an hour.
11:38How long are you going to do this?
11:41It ain't up to me.
11:42It's up to y'all.
11:46Okay.
11:47We're going to see how good you can lie to me one-on-one.
11:50Shane, you in the box.
11:52Would you like a soda, Shane?
11:54Yeah.
11:55Carmelo, get him a soda.
12:02Arthur.
12:04I need to talk to you.
12:05To me?
12:05You need to go and talk some sense into your ex-husband.
12:07You've seen me try.
12:09But when he thinks he's been wrong, he's like a dog with a bone.
12:12Or me with a key lime pie you'll play.
12:15Sir, what are we talking about?
12:16Look, today is actually a big deal.
12:18But this bus situation...
12:20Yeah, it's threatening to blow it all up.
12:21Believe me, I get it.
12:21Reggie was finally starting to open up to me.
12:23Well, you're the one to fix it.
12:25Just go look at the footage.
12:27And if you can end this, please, just do it.
12:30Monica, no, ethically.
12:31I know an interview with a Monmouth County Register isn't a big win, but it is a win.
12:36You're just starting to finally make some progress here.
12:39But Reggie's in no place to talk to anyone right now.
12:43They're gonna love you in prison.
12:45Arthur, please, help me out here.
12:50When I became a documentarian, I made a vow to remain forever curious, steadfastly objective,
12:56and insufferable at dinner parties.
12:59Today, I break the middle part of that vow.
13:04Well, no, I don't want that jacked-up thing in our house.
13:28For posterity, I do want to explain why I had to frame Brina.
13:38Why wouldn't you say something, baby?
13:40You know I'd forgive you.
13:42You see, of all the available scapegoats, Brina was by far the most readily forgiven.
13:46And if it came out that I broke the bus, they imagined the damage to the embedding process.
13:50And the film.
13:51If Shakespeare were alive today, he would say, the film's the thing.
13:56Right?
13:58Obviously, I did it.
14:01I just don't remember doing it.
14:04Brina, what are you saying?
14:06Reggie?
14:07You never met my aunts.
14:10My dad's sisters.
14:12Because they live in an insane asylum.
14:15They went crazy right around my age.
14:18They'd black out and things would happen.
14:21Furniture would go missing.
14:22The fireplace would fill with dolls.
14:24And whenever there was a storm, Aunt Wendy would disappear for a few days
14:28and say she'd been to see the Wizard of Oz.
14:31Not even the Wiz.
14:33So the white one?
14:34That's nuts.
14:35This is what I've been afraid of since I was a little girl.
14:39I have it.
14:41I have the sickness.
14:43Oh!
14:43I would not have singled out Brina if I had known about the Wiz thing.
14:46I just thought that Brina would say she didn't do it.
14:48Reggie wouldn't believe her.
14:49Brina would get furious.
14:50Reggie would get turned on.
14:52Problem solved.
14:53I certainly did not think that Brina would blame the black mark that God put on Grandmama
14:56Evans' name.
14:57It's the black mark that God put on Grandmama Evans' name.
15:00No, no, no, baby.
15:01Don't say that.
15:01No!
15:02I don't even remember destroying something that you love.
15:06How could I trust myself to be a good wife or mother?
15:12Oh, I have to call up this wedding.
15:13Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
15:14Please, please stop, dear God.
15:15It was me.
15:16I did it.
15:16I broke the bust.
15:17I'm so sorry.
15:25Oh, no!
15:30But I don't like the bust.
15:32No, that part was real, yes.
15:34Earlier you said it looked like a rotted jack-o'-lantern of Shrek.
15:36Damn, girl, you cold.
15:38But the rest was all just editing trickery.
15:40The shot of you sneaking into the living room was from last month.
15:43You were tiptoeing to avoid Rusty.
15:45I was sick of answering his questions about severance.
15:48I've just got one question.
15:50We're two seasons in, and no one's trying to have sex with Mr. Milchick.
15:54But wait, we all just saw her throw the bust into the trash.
15:59Yeah, so, Monica, you remember earlier when you caught me coming out of the bathroom?
16:02You couldn't have used the bathroom because I destroyed the toilet hours ago.
16:07I had chili and oysters for breakfast.
16:09That's why I was wearing those gloves, was to try to fix it.
16:12Mystery solved.
16:13That was not the mystery, Shane.
16:15And I didn't go in there to use the facilities.
16:17I just went in so I could go out the window, sneak back inside, and run upstairs to borrow a
16:23couple of things.
16:27And then I hopped back in through the loo window, and yeah.
16:34You touched my wig?
16:36Chill!
16:37My Irish friends were right about you people.
16:39You played me.
16:40This is supposed to be a documentary about the Hall of Fame.
16:42What are we doing?
16:43You almost got the wedding canceled.
16:45I should kick you in half.
16:47You had me thinking I was crying.
16:49This is really going to hurt the embedding process.
16:52Don't look at me.
16:53I'm very mad at you.
16:54We're going to look at you.
16:56We loved you.
16:57Stop.
16:59Everybody just stop.
17:02That Mr. Tobin didn't break your statue.
17:05When he knocked it over, it was already busted.
17:09By me.
17:12I just couldn't bring myself to tell you how it happened.
17:15You son of a bitch.
17:18You broke it, but you weren't even here.
17:21Actually, I got out of school early because it's straight white pride day.
17:25Did they always have that?
17:26That feels new.
17:27And after I accidentally messed up your statue...
17:33Oh, no, no, no!
17:35I ran and hid at Todd's house.
17:36I don't know about that Todd.
17:38Call me Monica like you grow.
17:40You gave quite the performance.
17:41I mean, I really believed you were surprised when you got home.
17:43No, I was.
17:45That when I left, the statue wasn't missing.
17:49I thought somebody was messing with me.
17:51Hang on.
17:51I love that boss.
17:54Let's see.
17:55You're my guy.
17:56What made you think you had to hide this from me?
18:00That's the thing.
18:02Doobie.
18:03Doobie.
18:04I was practicing a routine for the Prep League Acapella Showdown this Saturday.
18:09I have the tenor Doobies in Mr. Fisk's arrangement of Radioactive.
18:12You got the Doobies?
18:13That's amazing!
18:17No.
18:19Saturday's your all-star game.
18:20You're the starting running back.
18:22And that's why I was afraid to tell you.
18:26I want to go to the concert instead of the game.
18:29And that's why I couldn't stand you staring at me while I practiced.
18:32Doobie.
18:34Daddy.
18:36I mean, Doobie.
18:44So you don't want to play football?
18:46You didn't need to lie, Melo.
18:48We support you no matter what.
18:51Right, Reggie?
18:53I'm sorry, Dad.
18:55I know football is your whole life.
18:57But maybe it's not mine.
19:00The reporter.
19:01Oh, good Lord!
19:04Oh, I can't even pull off a Reggie Dinkins interview on a paper they give away at the drugstore.
19:10Okay, I'm going to cancel.
19:11Um, I'll say it's Kwanza Don.
19:13She's white.
19:14She won't know it's not a thing.
19:15No.
19:16I'll do the interview.
19:18I got some stuff to get off my chest.
19:24So it was all Carmelo's fault?
19:27Wow, right?
19:31For decades, football was my life.
19:35But it isn't life, because football is over.
19:38The stuff that really counts, luckily, it's not going anywhere.
19:43I've got a fiancé who is kind and beautiful.
19:46And when we get married, my best friend is going to be my best man.
19:51So it turns out he asked me a while ago.
19:54I made too much earwax, okay?
19:57I thought Reggie and I were having an emotional conversation about what's the best ham.
20:05It's Kirkland's signature.
20:06I've got a Monica.
20:08Without her, I wouldn't have a career or a child.
20:12That son, he's going to be so much more than I ever was.
20:16Because he already knows that football is not his life.
20:23Okay, cool.
20:25Just to go back to my question, what's your favorite sub shop here in Monmouth County?
20:32Salami Joe's.
20:35Lord have mercy.
20:50How are you boys enjoying your new rehearsal space?
20:53Oh, the acoustics are great.
20:55I think it's from Mr. Tobin's skull absorbing the sound.
20:58Reggie, I know I deserve to be punished, but please.
21:00This is worse than when I directed the Imagine video during COVID.
21:04Why'd you boys stop singing?
21:06You sound so nice.
21:09Let's get weird.
21:22Good night, everybody.
21:24Good night.
21:25You
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