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The Office US S09E03 Andys Ancestry Cut 1 H 264
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04:21¿Estás bien?
04:24Sí, sí, sí, sí.
04:26Bien, bien, bien.
04:28No quiero que te quiera con tus grandes freaks.
04:32¡Gracias!
04:34Solo que estoy tomando mi test de driver de la licencia en dos días
04:38y necesito practicar con un experto en el carro.
04:40Pero no tengo tiempo para hacer eso, gracias a...
04:44...demandee.
04:45Y he has a desperate need to be popular.
04:47I made him look ridiculous once
04:49and he has been punishing me ever since with crap assignments.
04:53For example, he has asked me for 75 ways to make a hat
04:58using a sheet of Dunder Mifflin paper.
05:00So far, I have come up with this...
05:04...and this.
05:06I defy you to think of another.
05:08I just want to hit the open road and drive, man.
05:13But in whose car?
05:16Nellie!
05:18Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
05:25Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
05:29Oh, Pam, thank you.
05:30You are my saviour.
05:38I'm sorry.
05:38I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
05:40Don't worry about it.
05:41I have a thing.
05:44A thing of soup.
05:46Which I've been wanting to try.
05:50This is my research into how we might produce childproof paper
05:55that doesn't give you paper cuts.
05:57We can't.
05:59And here is a printout of your genealogy
06:02from thisisyourfamilytree.com.
06:04Executive summary, me hit the highlights.
06:06Well, it turns out you are a distant blood relative
06:10of Michelle Obama.
06:13As in?
06:14Wife of Barack loves gardening,
06:16wants to wipe out fat children.
06:20This is super flattering.
06:22She's the most popular person in America.
06:26This is a big day for both of us.
06:29My fellow Americans,
06:31I come bearing news of my nardcesters.
06:34I have a feeling my approval rating
06:35is about to go through the roof.
06:38Turns out,
06:39I am related to Michelle Obama.
06:43I was intimidated by Andy's family before,
06:45and now I have to see the First Lady at holidays.
06:48She's going to be like,
06:49what's your stance on politics?
06:51Or, what is the best war to do?
06:53And I will just be like,
06:56duh.
06:57I finally get why my arms are so toned,
07:00you know?
07:01Right?
07:02Check it out.
07:03Somebody come slap my hang down.
07:05What is that?
07:05Oh, it's the part of my guns that hangs below my arm.
07:08Slap it.
07:08It won't move.
07:10It's moving.
07:10Ow.
07:11You know, in 2008,
07:12when America elected its first black president,
07:15I was so moved.
07:17And I was like,
07:17what is this about?
07:19And now I get it.
07:21Hey, Andy,
07:22you know what?
07:22My parents are going to be in D.C. next month for a wedding.
07:24Can you call ahead and get the Lincoln bedroom?
07:26Okay.
07:27Slow down there, Turbo.
07:28I literally just found out.
07:31I mean, I'll see what I can do.
07:32It's likely.
07:33But they should probably get a hotel reservation as a backup.
07:36Okay.
07:39Like, Andy needs yet another thing to show off about.
07:43It's a Prius.
07:45We get it.
07:46It's good for the environing.
07:49The Eisenhower inauguration.
07:52There I am.
07:53Right there.
07:54That white dot.
07:57Oh, I guess I wasn't there.
08:02All right.
08:03We got to get rid of all this junk food.
08:05Get fit, America.
08:07Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet,
08:09but, uh,
08:10I'm related to Michelle Obama.
08:17Yeah, we noticed early on Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
08:20So we decided the best way to get ahead here
08:22is to be his cheerleaders.
08:23Oh!
08:25Oh!
08:27Oh!
08:33It's starting to have this reverse effect, though,
08:35where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
08:38Yeah, me too.
08:38It's weird.
08:39Hard to remember what's real at this point.
08:41Just clap through it, man.
08:44You log in sales at 10 different times.
08:47If you log them all at once,
08:48you save a lot of time.
08:49It's called batching.
08:51This is really good, Darryl.
08:52Life hacking, man.
08:53There he is!
08:54Andy, you gotta check this out.
08:56Right now I need canned tuna, okay?
09:00Darryl, guess which talented individual
09:02who also has a killer singing voice
09:04is related to the First Lady?
09:07Tracy Ellis Ross.
09:09Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
09:12It's me!
09:13I'm related to Michelle Obama.
09:15What?
09:16Really?
09:17I mean, it's distant, but...
09:19Huh-huh.
09:20That's cool, man.
09:21Right?
09:23Darryl said cool, man.
09:25He called me a cool man.
09:30You know, I really do think it would be worth it
09:33to pull over and just take 10 minutes to eat.
09:35Yeah.
09:36The thing is, Pam,
09:37I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving,
09:39so I might as well get good at it.
09:40Break lights.
09:41Break lights.
09:42Break lights!
09:42Break lights!
09:44Woo!
09:45Woo!
09:47Woo!
09:49Woo!
09:52Woo!
09:52I'm good.
09:53I'm just saying,
09:54what does it imply in this country
09:56when a white person shares an ancestor
09:57with a black person?
09:58You think that Andy's family owns slaves?
10:01Well, somebody owns somebody,
10:03and I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.
10:06Dear Michelle,
10:07how are you?
10:08I am fine.
10:10My name is Andrew Bernard,
10:11and I recently discovered that we are related.
10:13I want you to know that the rest of the family
10:16is so proud of you for all that you have achieved.
10:19As for me,
10:20I am currently branch manager
10:22of a very exciting and dynamic paper company.
10:26Yes, you guessed it,
10:27the famous Dunder Mifflin.
10:29If you'd like to meet,
10:30I can come to D.C. any Saturday
10:32except October 20th due to a previous commitment.
10:35Hope,
10:35and I wrote that in all caps,
10:38to see you soon.
10:40But again,
10:41not on the 20th.
10:42Love,
10:44Andy Bernard.
10:46I throat rip.
10:48Forth agendak.
10:49You throat rip.
10:50Forth agendi.
10:52He, she, it throat rips.
10:53Forth agendak.
10:54More of a barbaric growl.
10:56Forth agendak.
10:57Louder.
10:57You're shouting it from the back of a horse.
10:59Forth agendak.
11:01It is such a passionate language.
11:03A lot more shouting and spitting than French.
11:07But,
11:07if Andy and I ever rent a place
11:09on the Dothraki coast,
11:10I won't stick out as a tourist.
11:12Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
11:15Yeah.
11:17It's almost unbelievable.
11:20What?
11:21Well, you know how Andy
11:22has been really salting my onions lately?
11:26Sure.
11:27Well, when he asked me
11:28to look up his ancestry online,
11:29I remember that news story
11:30about Michelle Obama having white relatives,
11:32and I just knew he would eat that up.
11:36So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
11:38Pam.
11:39I barely know how to turn on my computer.
11:45Nellie's pretty fearless.
11:47And I think she might be maybe even
11:49almost sort of fun.
11:51Pam.
11:56Well, if there's another explanation,
11:57I don't really see what it could possibly be.
12:00Thank you.
12:01What's going on here?
12:03I'm related to the First Lady, okay?
12:05Get over it.
12:07I still need weekly status reports
12:09for most of you,
12:10so can we get back to work, please?
12:12Get back to work.
12:14Whoosh!
12:14Andy.
12:15Whoosh!
12:16Whoosh!
12:17Andy.
12:18Andy, no!
12:19I would be very polite today.
12:21Why, is it Employees Day or something?
12:23I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
12:25Your connection to Michelle Obama
12:27has certain negative connotations.
12:30Most likely, your family were slave owners.
12:35Does anyone else think it's possible
12:37that I come from slave owners?
12:43Whoa.
12:44That person has really gotten him or herself
12:47into quite a predicament.
12:51Hey, Mom, it's Andy.
12:52Give me a call when you get a chance.
12:53Got a quick question for you.
12:54No big deal.
12:55Just about America's national shame.
12:57Thanks. Bye.
12:59Where were we?
13:01Yes.
13:02Okay, your productivity thing.
13:05Yes, yes, yes.
13:06Great.
13:07Ooh, spreadsheets.
13:08Yum, yum.
13:09I included some time-saving ideas.
13:11Look, I'm not going to lie to you.
13:12I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.
13:15Look, Andy,
13:16even if your ancestors did on slaves,
13:18it wouldn't be your fault.
13:20This is only weird if you make it weird.
13:23Right on, brother.
13:25Word, Dad.
13:26Mm.
13:30Oscar, is that a Paul Smith tie?
13:33The senator loves them.
13:35Oh, does he?
13:36Yeah, they're really expensive.
13:39Really?
13:40Well, this was a gift
13:43from my wealthy aunt,
13:46Doubtfire.
13:58Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?
14:06Hey, Aaron.
14:09Oh, okay.
14:11Sorry.
14:14Akat Vindalak.
14:15Nakis.
14:16Literally, small, double stab.
14:18How do you say shut the hell up?
14:19I'm on a sales call.
14:22Oh, pop quiz.
14:23Dothraki word for shirt.
14:25Oh, um...
14:26Trick question.
14:27There isn't one.
14:28They don't wear shirts.
14:29Oh, God.
14:30Why are you always soaking wet?
14:32It's normal.
14:35Hey...
14:36Ah.
14:39Djadrokovak.
14:40Does that mean gym?
14:42No.
14:43It means...
14:48What?
14:49Ew!
14:50You're gonna have to bleep that.
14:52Ribbit, ribbit.
14:53Oh!
14:55Ribbit, ribbit.
14:57Djadrokovak.
14:59Oh, still, it must be great
15:00to have something else going on
15:01outside of work.
15:02Yeah.
15:03Turn signal.
15:04It's exciting to be painting again.
15:05Those are the wipers.
15:07So, it's just...
15:09There you go.
15:10Yeah.
15:11Yeah, things get so busy
15:12with the kids, red light,
15:13that it's nice to have
15:14that creative outlet.
15:15Red light, red light, red, red.
15:20That is brilliant, Pam.
15:22I'd love to see some of your work.
15:24Well, since we're stopped at a light,
15:27here is...
15:29the mural I did for Angela's baby.
15:32That is amazing, Pam.
15:34Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo.
15:38Angela insisted that all the animals
15:40be fully clothed.
15:43Hey, y'all.
15:44I think you could turn in those status reports
15:47by four, preferably.
15:49Or whenever.
15:51I'll take whenever.
15:52What are you doing for?
15:53Hey, ooh.
15:56That was my old peer.
15:58Stanley, you keep up the hard work
16:00that we're paying you a decent wage for.
16:04Andy, remember what we said about making it weird?
16:07Yes, I do.
16:07You're making it weird.
16:08Yes, I am.
16:11Where's my mom?
16:13Hey, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
16:17Vos.
16:20So, no?
16:21No.
16:22Do you think maybe you could remind people
16:24I'm trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today?
16:26Because of your slaves.
16:27Not my slaves.
16:29My ancestors.
16:31Maybe.
16:32Probably not.
16:33Well, if it makes you feel any better,
16:35the Dothraki word for slave master,
16:38Atzafrok,
16:39is a term of respect.
16:42I'm learning how to speak Dothraki.
16:44Color you impressed?
16:45That you're learning a made-up language
16:47from HBO's Game of Thrones?
16:49I have a lot going on today.
16:53But this was a great nerd out.
16:57Dwight, you didn't tell me
16:58you were teaching me a fake language.
16:59People laughed at Klingon at first,
17:01and now you can major in it.
17:04Now Andy thinks I'm a loser.
17:05I can only imagine what he's going to tell
17:07his acapella buddies at their next Skype and Sing.
17:13Hi, guys.
17:14Hey, boss.
17:15I am so thirsty.
17:17Can I have a scoop of water?
17:19Yeah.
17:19You don't have to ask me.
17:24Ha-ha.
17:25Okay.
17:25Great.
17:26Very funny.
17:26I get it.
17:27Just because my ancestors
17:28happened to be...
17:37Very funny, Kevin.
17:38Change my ringtone.
17:39Very funny.
17:41I liked the original song
17:42on my ringtone,
17:43which, you may remember,
17:45was Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes
17:46by Paul Simon,
17:47featuring
17:49Ladysmith,
17:50African-American,
17:52Mombazo.
17:57I'm having the worst day ever.
18:00Thanks a lot, slavery.
18:03Why does this stuff always happen to me?
18:09So unfair.
18:14Upside to the new job?
18:16I've gotten some new hobbies, like boxing.
18:18I'll just go with the heavy bag for hours.
18:21Sometimes they've got to pull me off.
18:22Good.
18:24Very good.
18:27Oh, no.
18:29Here, it's a text from Andy.
18:32New special proj.
18:33Need fam tree for a buddy.
18:35Really dig up dirt ASAP.
18:37And then in parentheses,
18:39he wrote out as soon as possible.
18:40Hmm.
18:42Looks like it's pretend-y time again.
18:45Right back,
18:47looking for dirt.
18:49Oh, can I help?
18:50We could say someone is related to, um,
18:54Tonya Harding.
18:55Pam,
18:56I'm related to Tonya Harding.
18:59Oh, gee, I'm...
19:00No, I'm just practising my lying.
19:03I love it.
19:04Brilliant.
19:06What should we say about Jim?
19:08Um,
19:09oh, I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon.
19:11It's an inside joke.
19:12He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
19:14My ex behaved like Nixon.
19:16All of the lying,
19:17none of the sexual charisma.
19:20I just made a joke then.
19:22I'm sorry.
19:23It's just, um,
19:25I actually do have this weird feeling
19:26that there's something Jim isn't telling me.
19:28Oh, no.
19:30Oh, an affair.
19:32It is always an affair.
19:34Jim, no.
19:36How can you be sure?
19:38Because he just loves me too much.
19:41You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?
19:52Hey, everyone.
19:53I'd like to invite you all to a meeting
19:55in the conference room.
19:56Nothing too serious,
19:58super casual.
19:58In fact,
19:59I don't even want to call it a meeting.
20:00Let's call it a hangout sesh.
20:03Not that casual, Meredith.
20:07Really?
20:12I thought I would begin by re-announcing the promotion I made
20:16a couple of weeks ago,
20:18still holding the esteemed position
20:20of assistant regional manager
20:21and, fascinating side note,
20:24the first ever African-American
20:26to ever hold this post,
20:29the amazing Daryl Philbier.
20:35Is any new business going to be discussed at this meeting?
20:38Yes, actually, there is.
20:40I've done a little genealogy research of my own.
20:44It turns out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons
20:46in the old family closet.
20:48For example,
20:51Phyllis' great-great-grandmother
20:53was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
20:56Ew.
20:57Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy
21:00and John Wayne Bobbitt.
21:02And John Wayne?
21:04No.
21:05Not that I see here.
21:06Wayne Johnson?
21:07The Rock?
21:08You mean Dwayne?
21:10And no.
21:11But Toby's got some entertainers in the family,
21:13all sideshows worth, it turns out,
21:16including a pinhead,
21:17a giantess,
21:18two bearded ladies,
21:19and a duck boy.
21:22Yeah, a lot of conditions like that
21:24could be treated with modern medicine.
21:26What about Jim Halpert?
21:27Uh-oh.
21:28Turns out, distant relative of the reviled Richard Nixon.
21:33Pam always says they look like Nixon.
21:34That's crazy, right?
21:36I mean, there's nothing there.
21:39True.
21:44Oh, no.
21:46Creed's great-grandfather once held up a saloon.
21:48No, that was me.
21:49Disney Frontierland, 1992.
21:52Dwight's grandfather was a member of the Bund,
21:55which is not technically the same thing
21:57as the Nazi Party.
21:59So...
22:00I was going to say it was a tax evader.
22:03Oh.
22:04I was joking about that whole Bund thing.
22:07Oh, the look on your faces.
22:12And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
22:14Cool!
22:16Stop it, stop it.
22:17You're frightening me.
22:18Andy,
22:18could you call this meeting
22:20just to talk junk about our families?
22:22Yeah, that...
22:23You're being really mean.
22:24No, I'm proving a point, okay?
22:26We all have ancestors
22:27who may have done horrible things in the past,
22:30but it's in the past,
22:31and it's not our fault,
22:33so we don't have to talk about it.
22:34The difference is, Andy,
22:36that you're the only one here
22:37still benefiting
22:38from the terrible things your ancestors did.
22:41Might have done,
22:42and how do you figure?
22:44Your family's rich!
22:45I have to believe that a big part
22:47of the Bernard fortune
22:48was earned on the backs of slaves.
22:49You know, there's nothing wrong
22:50with being successful in America, Oscar.
22:52I'm not going to apologize
22:53for my family's wealth.
22:55That wealth could one day benefit society
22:58if capital gains are ever taxed
23:00at the same rate as earned income.
23:01Andy, maybe we should...
23:02You know, no, you know what?
23:03I don't see money.
23:04If you were to ask me
23:05who's the richest person in this office,
23:06I'd be like,
23:07gee, I don't know, Erin?
23:08Even though she's obviously the poorest.
23:11What?
23:11You're poorer than me?
23:13Yeah.
23:14Right!
23:17Okay.
23:18Kevin did that.
23:19I do not wish I was in Dixie.
23:22Hey, Mom.
23:23How are you?
23:23Did any Bernards
23:25ever own a plantation in the South?
23:29She said no.
23:30Take that.
23:31Follow-up question.
23:32Did any Bernards ever make money
23:34in an unsavory way?
23:41I just asked you,
23:42why didn't you just say that?
23:44Okay, stop.
23:45Stop.
23:46Stop talking.
23:47Stop talking.
23:47That's...
23:48No.
23:49I don't want to know that.
23:50Okay.
23:51You're interrupting a meeting.
23:52I have to go.
23:53Love you.
23:53Bye.
23:55Well, turns out
23:56the Bernards of Yor
23:57did not own slaves.
23:59Really?
24:00We merely transported them,
24:02which at worst
24:03makes us amoral
24:04middlemen.
24:11My mom
24:11have had on a year.
24:13Was my age
24:15when I said
24:15us
24:16both
24:16was a
24:17jail
24:17year
24:18when
24:18year
24:18and
24:19my.
24:22Yo, D-Dog.
24:23I need your help.
24:24I'm trying to think of things I can say
24:25that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood
24:27than I actually had.
24:28You're going to po-mouth.
24:29Exactly.
24:30Help me po-mouth, Daryl.
24:31Actually, Andy,
24:32you promised me five minutes
24:33to talk about productivity suggestions.
24:35What if I said that my dad beat me
24:37and I just left out the croquet of it all?
24:40Or I could just go all the way
24:42and say I grew up in an apartment
24:43or is that too crazy?
24:45That could work.
24:47Let's see.
24:48I saved 90 seconds brushing my teeth in the shower.
24:52Another 10 seconds,
24:53put my shoes and coat next to the door.
24:55I'm checking email list,
24:56so that's got to be at least another three minutes.
24:58But I lost four hours
25:01of Andy feeling weird about his ancestors.
25:03So in summary,
25:04I have no actual control of my life.
25:06You know, Daryl,
25:08this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here,
25:10and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting.
25:13I'm coming up with all the ideas here.
25:15Going full walk.
25:17Okay.
25:25Good.
25:28Good, and...
25:40You doing all right, man?
25:42I'm done.
25:44I gotta get out of here.
25:46Yeah.
25:48Not the easiest day
25:49to be assistant regional manager.
25:51It's not just today.
25:52It's every day.
25:54Seemed like the better title I have,
25:56the stupider my job gets.
25:57Oh, come on.
25:58It can always get better, right?
26:01Hmm.
26:01Yeah, right.
26:04No, I'm serious.
26:05There's always something better.
26:07Like what?
26:09Like hypothetically,
26:11if I said that there was another job
26:14that you and I could both have.
26:17What kind of job?
26:19Something cool,
26:20like sports marketing,
26:23or...
26:24Does that sound like something you'd be into?
26:26Hell yeah.
26:26Right?
26:27That sounds awesome.
26:28Okay, but wait,
26:29what if I told you that it was in Philly,
26:30so you'd have to...
26:31I love Philly.
26:32Right?
26:33It's not even a thought.
26:34Not even a thought.
26:35It's not even that far away.
26:36I could still commute.
26:38Exactly.
26:39Exactly.
26:40All right.
26:43What?
26:43Wait, wait, wait.
26:44So what, is this happening?
26:45Oh, it's happening.
26:47Let's just keep it between you and me for right now.
26:49Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:49All right?
26:50Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure.
26:51Man, it pans into it.
26:54We got to have a talk about it,
26:55but I think that she's...
26:56I think she understands what this is.
26:59Oh, come on, man.
26:59I thought you had something real.
27:00What? No, no, no.
27:01Come on.
27:02This is real.
27:03It's not real until your wife is on board.
27:10Yes, Pam and I did decide together
27:12that I would not take the job,
27:14so thank you, Brian, for reminding me.
27:20So what did you want to show me?
27:22That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
27:25Yeah, it's really ugly.
27:27Needs something, doesn't it?
27:29I'm thinking a mural.
27:33You mean me?
27:34Yes, you.
27:36You are so talented.
27:38It's going to be my next special project,
27:40hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist
27:43to paint the warehouse wall.
27:45Oh, my God, I love it.
27:47Nellie, this is brilliant.
27:50Hey.
27:50Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
27:54Anything you have to say to her,
27:56you can say to me.
27:57She never loved you.
27:58What? No, I got this.
28:00Okay.
28:00This is his fault.
28:02It is not your fault.
28:03I am going to find you someone better
28:05and rich.
28:07And Filipino.
28:09But we'll break that to her later.
28:13You know what this is all about.
28:15Yeah.
28:16You too, huh?
28:18Yeah.
28:21Go on.
28:22Spill it.
28:24Tell her all the gory details,
28:26you snake.
28:29Hey, he deserves this.
28:31And he said I could get in on it, too.
28:35Yeah.
28:38Oh, Pam, no.
28:40Oh, I can't back to you.
28:42I don't know what I was so worried about.
28:44I have the best wife in the world.
28:48I still can't believe he didn't tell me.
28:55I'm sure he'll understand.
28:57Daryl's your friend.
28:59Yeah, it's just...
29:01We're from such different backgrounds.
29:04And I don't know if you can ever get past that.
29:06Are you kidding me?
29:07Oh, you totally can.
29:10This is going to sound stupid,
29:12but there's a saying
29:14from the Dothraki Book of Proverbs,
29:16and it goes like this.
29:18Wolves and horses live different lives,
29:21but if you stew them long enough,
29:22they taste the same.
29:25So...
29:26Wolves and horses?
29:28Hmm.
29:29Hmm.
29:31I guess we do taste the same.
29:33Right?
29:36Dothraki isn't the most useful language to speak,
29:39but you really study it for the literature.
29:48I was helping Nellie drive...
29:50Do not care.
29:57Fornas, check.
29:59Dothraks, check.
30:05I like that guy.
30:07We should hook him up with Meredith.
30:09Hmm.
30:14Hmm.
30:34Hmm.
30:47Hmm.
30:49Hmm.
30:50Hmm.
30:51Gracias por ver el video.
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