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The Office US S09E22 A A R M Cut 1 H 264
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00:19The Tea in Nepal is very hot.
00:24But the coffee in Peru is much hotter.
00:32Last week, I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
00:36My first project, increased security.
00:39I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business.
00:42Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper.
00:46Every morning, I email the day's security codes.
00:49To the outside observer, it sounds like the most natural conversation in the world.
00:52The swans fly south in the summertime.
00:55But in winter, they fly north.
01:00Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes.
01:03It's not the KGB, but it's a start.
01:09The tea in Nepal is very hot.
01:11But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
01:14Close.
01:16This is Tuesday, right?
01:18The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
01:21Colder.
01:22The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
01:23No, I meant you were getting colder.
01:25The correct response is the coffee in Peru is much hotter.
01:30Much, okay.
01:31But that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam.
01:33No.
01:34Unless you want me to break protocol.
01:41No.
01:42No.
01:43Give me the steam.
01:49It's just harmless steam to panic intruders.
01:52I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
01:56Break protocol!
01:57Break protocol!
01:59Break protocol!
02:01Break protocol!
02:03Break protocol!
02:05Break manuals.
02:39¡Gracias!
03:03I will literally call Child Protective Services.
03:12Every morning I take Philip to my church daycare.
03:15I love St. Jillian's.
03:17They do not care about your social position.
03:19They even let the custodial staff attend services.
03:24Some services.
03:26See you at 6 o'clock.
03:29Angela!
03:30Yeah?
03:30We can't accept Philip anymore.
03:31Why not?
03:33It has come to our attention you're cohabitating with a gay man.
03:36Another gay man.
03:38Okay, well I can explain that.
03:40Angela, we don't understand what this lifestyle choice is,
03:43but it doesn't accord with our values.
03:45I'm sorry.
03:47Oh, hold on there, sweetie.
03:49We need to keep you away from her
03:51because we don't want you to pick up any confusing words, do we?
03:55Confusing words?
03:57Bye, Angela.
03:58So sorry.
03:59Bye, Philip.
04:01What a bitch.
04:03Oh, hi, Jonathan.
04:04Come on in.
04:08I'll be watching you tonight in my living room.
04:10I like the sound of that.
04:12The documentary about us starts airing tonight.
04:15I better come out of this smelling like a rose.
04:17I've been on my best behavior for nine years.
04:20If it wasn't for the cameras, I would have done some truly vulgar crap.
04:27Go get him, honey.
04:29Oh, don't worry.
04:30They'll get got.
04:32Manager of Dunder Mifflin?
04:33Check.
04:34Owner of a 1,600-acre beet farm?
04:35Check.
04:36Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid?
04:39Check.
04:40On that later today, this is my grandmother's ring.
04:47It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock.
04:50She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors.
04:52This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.
04:57Hi, good morning.
04:58Name is Andrew Bernard.
05:01You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight.
05:05Also killed it in local theater.
05:07And I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
05:11Okay, thanks.
05:13Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
05:14Yes!
05:22Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin.
05:24And time to become the next American Idol by winning America's next acapella sensation on Channel TBD.
05:32It's a really cool show.
05:34It's like a total reinvention of the whole American Idol voice sing-off phenomenon.
05:38On this show, all three judges are mean.
05:44Sales form for you to sign.
05:46You know what to do.
06:00Okay.
06:01Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager,
06:05and I have chosen one of the best.
06:06Oh, thanks, man.
06:07Once upon a time, we were natural enemies.
06:09But we've overcome our differences.
06:11Much like Germany and Italy and World War-
06:14Good call.
06:15Together we run a no-nonsense office.
06:29Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
06:31Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.
06:33It all depends on the conference room meeting itself.
06:37Uh, okay.
06:39Is that them again?
06:40Yeah.
06:41Maybe you should call back.
06:44Oh.
06:46I will.
06:49The guys at Athlete are still bugging me about this three-month road show thing.
06:53Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships.
06:56Yeah, it sounds exciting.
06:57But I said no, and that's final.
07:00I almost lost Pam over this business.
07:02I'm not risking that again.
07:05When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved.
07:09But I also feel a little guilty.
07:12I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me.
07:16But he seems happy.
07:18I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot.
07:20I love goofy Jim.
07:22Welcome.
07:23He welcomes you.
07:24Please take an agenda item.
07:26Your agenda taking pleases him.
07:28Have a seat, Phyllis.
07:29There we go.
07:30As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote.
07:33Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.
07:38Eh, that is wrong.
07:40Failure of any kind is failure.
07:42Jim, over to you.
07:43Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak.
07:46All right?
07:47So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out Michael J. Fax from Facts of the
07:52Future.
07:53Okay? That's nonsense.
07:55Question.
07:56Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
07:57We are expecting a water delivery today at 10 a.m.
08:00What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, nice jugs?
08:05That's obviously nonsense.
08:07Nonsense.
08:08And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
08:11Zero.
08:12No, no, no.
08:13Zero.
08:14Can't have nonsense.
08:15What is going on?
08:16Daycare won't take Phillip anymore.
08:18Why?
08:19Apparently, my station in life has descended to a depth.
08:22Even they won't forgive.
08:23So, hi.
08:26Hi, buddy.
08:27Okay, um, new agenda item.
08:30Phillip will be joining us at the office today.
08:32Gotta write that down.
08:34Okay, big day today, airing of the documentary.
08:37Who's excited?
08:39Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs.
08:42If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble.
08:46My wife did it.
08:47We just don't know how many people are going to be watching tonight.
08:50It could be thousands.
08:52It could be millions.
08:55What if word reaches China?
08:58They are very judgmental over there.
09:02So don't air that bit.
09:05I'm not sure I'll even watch.
09:07Because if it wasn't for this documentary outing my secretly gay ex-husband, I would still be in a fairytale
09:13marriage.
09:14I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary.
09:18So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow or a minute extra
09:22for the rest of the month.
09:23Ooh, announcement.
09:24Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at
09:30Poor Richard's.
09:31But note, all are welcome.
09:34Not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their television.
09:40I can't believe the doc is finally going to air.
09:43When this thing started, I was still having sex with women.
09:47As was Kevin, I believe.
09:49This airs tonight?
09:51Oh, my God.
09:53If my parents see this, I am toast.
09:57What if we come off looking stupid?
09:59I mean, we don't even know what they're gonna air.
10:01You're right. We could look like idiots.
10:03Guys, do you think we're gonna be hounded by the pop-a-roni?
10:06One thing's for sure, life will never be the same.
10:08Wait, wait, wait. Oscar. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
10:11This is verging into chit-chat.
10:12Which can quickly escalate into horseplay, which can veer around the corner into...
10:17You-know-what-sense.
10:19Nonsense.
10:20Nonsense.
10:21Alright.
10:21Next item on the agenda is the announcement of final agenda item.
10:26So...
10:27Everybody listen up. Here comes the announcement of the final agenda item.
10:30No, no, no, no.
10:31The final agenda item is to announce that it's the final agenda item.
10:34So, there it is.
10:35Everybody listen up. Here it comes.
10:36No, this is what I'm saying. I did it. It's-it's done already.
10:40Announcement of final agenda item.
10:42Which is coming right now.
10:43I already announced it, like, five minutes ago!
10:45Say it like it's hot.
10:47Okay, this meeting is adjourned.
10:48There are no more announcements.
10:50This is the final agenda item.
10:52After you announce it.
10:53Oh, my God.
10:56Good job today, everybody.
10:57Yay!
11:05This is really huge.
11:07This is like the March on Washington, but for a singing show.
11:09Woo-hoo!
11:10Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here and sang,
11:12I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis with that baritone?
11:16That would be historic.
11:17Woo-hoo!
11:18Casey Dean, Cincinnati, Ohio!
11:20Whoa.
11:20Doctor, doctor, I give her the news.
11:22I got a great Casey Dean for you.
11:25America!
11:26No, this is my time.
11:27You don't belt on my time.
11:29I belt on my time.
11:30Casey Dean!
11:32Casey Dean!
11:32Casey Dean!
11:39Man, those are some nice pipes.
11:41Yeah.
11:41What's your name?
11:43Andy.
11:44What's yours?
11:47Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
11:49Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
11:51Guys!
11:52Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.
11:55Guys!
11:55Why don't you pack it?
11:56Guys!
11:56Karen, what is it?
11:57Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says,
12:00bold front instead of cold front?
12:03It's insane.
12:05Not now, Kevin.
12:06Can't you see we're busy?
12:07It's okay.
12:07Phillip needs his apple snacks.
12:09Seriously, Kevin.
12:10I'm just gonna have to go to the store.
12:12Okay, you go to the store.
12:13Phillip, Phillip, Phillip.
12:15It's all about Phillip.
12:17I hate Phillip.
12:23Not now, private time.
12:24I love Star Wars as much as the next guy.
12:26Hey, hey.
12:27Seriously?
12:31My god, I'm so sorry.
12:35Well, this might make up for it.
12:36I think I have found an enormous source of Overlook PFN.
12:41Which is, of course...
12:42Potential future nonsense.
12:44Yes.
12:44Good abbreviating, Jim.
12:46That saved some time.
12:47Now hurry up.
12:47Shut the door.
12:50Break it down for me.
12:51I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy, Mobile.
12:54You've got a regional manager.
12:56The power source.
12:57Obviously.
12:58The assistant to the regional manager.
12:59The loyal but bungling apostle.
13:01But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
13:09Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliere.
13:12Exactly.
13:13I'd have to get some more wire and string.
13:16But it's doable.
13:17You think any of them out there are capable?
13:20Yeah, right.
13:21I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
13:23I like the sound of that.
13:25What did you have in mind?
13:26Well, I know it sounds crazy, but...
13:28How would King Arthur choose the next night of his round table?
13:32That doesn't sound crazy, Jim.
13:34That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.
13:38What are you listening to?
13:40I'm, uh, locking in my starting note.
13:42A 440.
13:44Oh, sweet.
13:45Acapella's all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.
13:50What's up, everybody?
13:51And welcome to America's next acapella sensation!
13:57Oh, my God!
13:58You're gorgeous!
14:00Thank you.
14:00Thank you so much.
14:01And thank you for your patience,
14:02and we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours.
14:05Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show,
14:08each of you will sing a song for 30 seconds,
14:11after which our judges will decide if they want you in their acapella group.
14:15Now, bear in mind, our judges have no experience whatsoever
14:19actually leading an acapella group.
14:22Hey, hey!
14:23Let Mark McGrath talk!
14:25Go ahead, Mark.
14:26Thank you, sir.
14:27Now, each group will start with 90 singers,
14:29which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges.
14:33Oh!
14:34And look out for that pesky mole!
14:36Ooh!
14:37There's a mole.
14:38Oops.
14:39I'm not supposed to...
14:40I'm not supposed to say that.
14:42All right, no mole.
14:43Forget I said it, all right?
14:44What mole?
14:45What are you talking about?
14:45I already forgot about it.
14:47Good man right there.
14:48I'll see you guys inside.
14:49Good luck, all right?
14:50Yeah!
14:52Put some Sugar Ray on me!
14:54What?
14:55On a roll watch?
14:56I don't know where it came from.
14:57That was amazing, man.
14:58Yeah, it felt good.
14:59It felt funny.
14:59Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
15:01I did.
15:01Big time.
15:02Wow, I gotta harness that energy for the judges.
15:05Yeah, and the mole.
15:07Casey, we're not supposed to know about the mole.
15:09Oh!
15:10Damn it!
15:10Get your head in the game, Casey Dean.
15:12Come on.
15:13Just focus.
15:14It's amateur hour.
15:15Relax.
15:16I just pulled something, I think.
15:24Big good night tonight.
15:26Yeah.
15:27Yeah.
15:28Sorry, I can't chat.
15:30I'm working.
15:31We'll go to Port Vichur's tonight?
15:32Check out the Krogue ramp?
15:35Yeah.
15:36Everyone's going, aren't they?
15:38I meant, uh, would you like to come with me?
15:41Could be a date.
15:44Or it could be less than a date.
15:46I mean, it's just, just we'd know that I asked you there.
15:51Or it would just be a thing in our heads, really.
15:55No, I don't want to go with you.
15:57Yeah.
15:58I'm sitting here.
16:04I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.
16:08It's wrong.
16:16What are you so excited about?
16:18Nothing.
16:19What are you up to?
16:24Members of the office, hear ye.
16:26That means ye plop.
16:28Plop?
16:29Still?
16:30We owe Andy that much.
16:32Yeah.
16:33Absolutely we do.
16:34Am I right, people?
16:36Fine.
16:37Today, we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
16:43Aw, heck yeah.
16:44Nice.
16:45You'll always have the upper hand when you've got a good arm.
16:50Trademark pending.
16:51This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities.
16:55Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only.
16:59No savoring.
17:00Ah, what an honor.
17:01God, I envy them.
17:02He envies you.
17:03You don't need to repeat right now.
17:05All right.
17:05That's what I'm saying.
17:06By 2 o'clock, Dwight will choose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.
17:20Sup?
17:21What's going on?
17:22How was the delivery?
17:23Delivered all my furniture to the Philly.
17:24Hey, keep it down on.
17:26Nobody knows I'm here.
17:27I hate goodbyes.
17:29So last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish exit.
17:34Just slipped out without making a big deal.
17:36No hard feelings.
17:37No feelings at all.
17:39Ah.
17:41A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it.
17:46Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
17:48Uh, two.
17:51985 trillion seventeen.
17:52Not even close, Meredith.
17:54Come on.
17:55Pam, what song is running through my head right now?
17:58Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
17:59Oh, my God.
18:00It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.
18:02Wait.
18:02No, no, no, stop.
18:03Spouses can read each other's minds.
18:04You're trying to give your wife this job.
18:07That's exactly what I was doing.
18:09Plop.
18:09What animal am I picturing?
18:11A horse.
18:12Ooh.
18:12The exact opposite, actually.
18:14What's the opposite of a horse?
18:15Seahorse.
18:16Seahorse.
18:18Whoa.
18:19How did you know that I was gonna say that?
18:22Say that?
18:25Uncanny.
18:25Uncanny.
18:27Challenge number two, protocol.
18:29Clark.
18:30Yeah?
18:30Do you want a corn dog?
18:32I would love a corn dog.
18:33We'll see.
18:34You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message.
18:37I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece.
18:40Uh-oh.
18:41Look who came to join us.
18:42The Turkish ambassador to Armenia.
18:44Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose.
18:47Go ahead and read that phone message.
18:50Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.
18:54No, no, no, no.
18:55You don't read it aloud like that.
18:58God.
18:58Besides, the whole thing is a trick question.
19:00There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia.
19:02Two countries don't have diplomatic relations.
19:07Uncanny.
19:09I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they'll feel like
19:13anything is possible.
19:15Great.
19:15More screen time for the war vet.
19:18All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.
19:21Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless single mother with three kids.
19:26What?
19:27What?
19:28Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit?
19:32Or is it a show about singing?
19:34I don't know, but I'm getting really worried here.
19:36Me too.
19:39Hold my place in line.
19:40Where are you going?
19:42They want feel-good stories?
19:45Where do they get a good feel of me?
19:49Thanks, man.
19:50Thank you.
19:51Take care.
19:53Daryl, hey.
19:54Hey.
19:55Cool, are you coming back to say hi?
19:57No, no, I'm not here, actually.
19:59These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to.
20:03Uh-huh.
20:04How's athlete?
20:05Living like rock stars.
20:06I'm about to eat free steak with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.
20:11Wow.
20:11Jim really doesn't want to come?
20:12He says he doesn't want to.
20:14Man, I hope he doesn't regret it.
20:17Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.
20:21Jim was happy here selling paper at Dunder Mifflin.
20:24That's what he says.
20:26If you say so.
20:27Hey, good seeing you.
20:28Remember, I was never here.
20:31All right, hey.
20:33An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity,
20:36but an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove.
20:40A thousand times more.
20:41I'll try this one.
20:43Phyllis, grab both these coffees, double fist it, and head through this obstacle course.
20:47Okay.
20:47It's hot.
20:48Yeah.
20:49It's real.
20:51It's the only way you'll learn.
20:52Okay.
20:53And go ahead.
20:56Oh, God.
20:57Nice.
20:58She's through the green, everybody.
21:00Here comes yellow.
21:00No, no, no, no.
21:01Real doozy.
21:02Careful.
21:03Phyllis, seriously.
21:04Look at that form.
21:05Oh, God.
21:05This is pathetic.
21:06The boss needs his coffee.
21:08Wow.
21:09Ah.
21:15Here you are, sir.
21:16Here's your coffee.
21:16Ah, my skin.
21:18Ow.
21:19Ow.
21:19Ah.
21:19Burns.
21:20Ah.
21:21Ah.
21:24Uncanny.
21:28Daryl?
21:29Daryl.
21:30Whoa.
21:31Oh, hey.
21:33Hey.
21:33What's up, y'all?
21:34You left us without saying goodbye.
21:37Oh.
21:38My bad.
21:39Goodbye, everybody.
21:40Hey, no way.
21:42That is totally uncool.
21:42Are you kidding?
21:44You broke our hearts.
21:46Get upstairs.
21:47I don't think I should...
21:47Get upstairs, mister.
21:49Yeah.
21:50Right now.
21:50Now.
21:51Guess I'm going upstairs.
21:53You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing...
21:55None of these people are good enough.
21:57I know.
21:58What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet...
22:01It might be the most logical thing I've ever said.
22:04Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise, but I know exactly what you were gonna say.
22:07The only possible assistant to my assistant...
22:12Is...
22:12Me.
22:14The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is...
22:21Dwight K. Schrute.
22:22Yes!
22:23Yes.
22:24Thank you.
22:26I think you might want to kneel for this.
22:28And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man.
22:35Wait.
22:36That's it.
22:37Look really, really good.
22:49Okay.
22:50From now on, anyone who needs to speak to me...
22:52Has gotta go through me first.
22:54Alright?
23:01Hey.
23:03Hey.
23:04You alright?
23:07What's going on?
23:10Are you happy?
23:11Yes.
23:12I'm happy.
23:13I know.
23:14I know that you're like...
23:15Happy and like you had fun today and that was fun, but...
23:18What about a year from now?
23:20What?
23:21What about five years from now?
23:22Pam.
23:23Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, but I'm just...
23:25I was talking to Daryl and he was talking about the trip and I just feel like you're giving up
23:31so much.
23:32This was my decision.
23:34This was my decision.
23:35Not yours.
23:35You didn't force me.
23:36Okay.
23:36I kind of forced you to do.
23:37You did not force me to do this.
23:39I don't know how else to tell you.
23:40I'm afraid you're gonna resent me and I'm afraid that this is not enough for you and I'm afraid that
23:44I'm not enough for you.
23:47Is that really what you think?
23:52Not enough.
23:54I don't know how else to explain it to her, so...
23:57You know what?
23:58I know it's against the rules, but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys.
24:02Okay.
24:03You got it, man.
24:10I didn't realize we were this close.
24:12Oh, we are, buddy.
24:14We are this close.
24:15Oh, Aaron's probably feeling nostalgic.
24:18We're all a little hormonal with the doc hearing.
24:21You gonna come to Port Richards and watch with us tonight?
24:24Uh, yeah.
24:26Depending on the traffic.
24:28He ain't coming.
24:29Oh, God!
24:32These dudes are definitely in a weird mood.
24:35Picked the wrong day to return the truck.
24:37Okay.
24:38I should probably be taking off.
24:39You know what really is tearing me to pieces?
24:42All the years Daryl was here, I never gave him a hug.
24:45I never gave Daryl a hug.
24:46Oh, I purposely avoided hugs from Daryl because his cologne's so overpowering.
24:52Come here, big buddy.
24:53I'm next, big buddy!
24:55I could use a taste.
25:01Oh, what?
25:03Here we go.
25:06Webster's defines begging as the act of asking with earnestness and humility.
25:13Oh, God.
25:13And so, with earnestness and humility, I, Toby, do beg you, Nellie, to come with me tonight.
25:22Look, okay.
25:23I'm gonna come.
25:24I'm gonna come with you to Port Richards tonight.
25:28Okay.
25:29Mm.
25:29Okay?
25:30Mm.
25:31Okay?
25:31Yes.
25:32All right.
25:33Well, that's great.
25:35That's great.
25:35It feels good.
25:37Okay.
25:38No.
25:42Okay.
25:52Well, it's been great.
25:53Eleven years.
25:54A guy is in your life for eleven years and then he's gone for who knows how long.
25:58Maybe forever.
25:59Anyhow.
26:00Did we ever have lunch together?
26:02Just, just the two of us.
26:04You know what?
26:05I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cucino's.
26:08I reserve a half an hour to play checkers with Daryl.
26:11Checkers is very important to me.
26:12You all know that.
26:13Ooh.
26:14I, I got winners.
26:15Question for Daryl.
26:16Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
26:19Oh.
26:20Oh, I'm sure we did.
26:21Nah.
26:22I call one hour van time with Daryl.
26:24Daryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories.
26:27Just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.
26:32Listen, guys, we can do it all.
26:33We just have to divide Daryl's next 12 hours into 90-minute segments.
26:37I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel and then we'll get this started.
26:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
26:42Wait a minute.
26:43Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that's on me.
26:47But, I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental.
26:54You have to.
26:55Hey, hey, hey, hey.
26:56I'll do one thing with y'all.
26:59Which thing?
27:00I don't care.
27:01Choose amongst yourselves.
27:02Not the vandal.
27:03Alright.
27:06Yes, this time.
27:09Kevin.
27:09Kevin.
27:10Oh, you know my name.
27:12Well, that is shocking.
27:15Kevin, could you not do that?
27:17What?
27:18I'm moving the ink down in my pen.
27:20For work.
27:22Here, use my pen.
27:23Don't tell me what to do.
27:24Shh.
27:25I don't need this.
27:26And you obviously don't need me.
27:29Kevin, where are you going?
27:30Away.
27:31Tell Philip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
27:39He just won't go down.
27:41And that's if he's excited by all this paper.
27:43I know.
27:44Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24 weight letter bond.
27:48Smart baby.
27:49That's the most flavorful bond.
27:59Hey, what's going on over here?
28:01Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?
28:03You're back.
28:04No, it's me, Annie.
28:06No, I know.
28:07No, no, no.
28:07I'm wearing makeup.
28:08You did a really great job.
28:10Thank you.
28:10You even look shorter.
28:12Oh, I took out my lifts.
28:13Oh.
28:13Yeah, unlike Annie Bernard, this character is my real hype.
28:16Wait a second.
28:17Are you a singer and an actor?
28:19You want to know the truth?
28:20Yeah.
28:21Singer, actor, musician, dancer.
28:23The quadruple threat.
28:25It's so rare to meet another one.
28:28Holy Toledo.
28:30Hold on a second.
28:31Hey!
28:32Hey, producer of the singing show!
28:34I got this old man who can really belt.
28:36It's a real heartwarming human interest story.
28:39What's that, you say?
28:40Yeah, be confused.
28:42All day long it's moo the cows and cluck the hens,
28:46get the sheep bod, oink the pigs.
28:49Oink the pigs, that is very important.
28:52Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that Ma said
28:54after the horse kicked her in the head.
28:56Where are you?
28:59Dwight?
29:00The way that boy looks at the Galactica
29:02is precisely the way I look at the Galactica.
29:06And he eats the same kind of paper I do.
29:09Hmm.
29:31You threw the summoning bag at me, sir.
29:33I need you to perform a test.
29:35Perform a test?
29:36On an innocent baby.
29:38Ooh.
29:39I like where this is going.
29:40Unfortunately, I have a lot on my plate today,
29:42so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two.
29:44But don't worry.
29:46He's the best in the biz.
29:48Damn straight.
29:49Unless you think he can't handle it.
29:50Hey, he can handle it.
29:58Listen, listen.
29:59Shh, buddy.
30:01Stanley's sleeping.
30:02You don't want to wake up the grumpy little walrus, do you?
30:04I heard that.
30:06Mama.
30:08Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster?
30:10Pam can attest there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.
30:14He does have a gift.
30:16Well, he's crying for his mom, but okay, here.
30:19Here we go.
30:20Careful, he bites.
30:21Okay.
30:25You ever been in a manager's office before?
30:28Philip, you want to play a little game?
30:30It's called Schrute or Consequences.
30:32You're gonna choose one of these two things.
30:35A check for a million dollars or this dirty old beat.
30:42Yuck.
30:43Phew.
30:44Which will it be?
30:47Money or the beat?
30:51Beat.
30:52Yeah.
30:54I see.
30:55Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child, are you?
30:59No.
31:00I can tell by your gorgeous, widely set eyes.
31:08Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped.
31:11We are all done taking auditions.
31:12Okay!
31:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
31:15Thanks for coming out, and please be sure to watch America's next acapella.
31:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
31:20You can't do that.
31:21You can't do that.
31:22We've all been waiting.
31:23Okay.
31:23I am going in there.
31:24Don't.
31:25Don't.
31:26Don't.
31:26Please don't.
31:26Don't touch me.
31:27I'm not touching you.
31:28Oh.
31:29Look!
31:30Run, old man!
31:31Run!
31:32Ow!
31:32Run!
31:33Run where you live!
31:35Oh, don't you dare.
31:36Don't get...
31:37I thought you were going to get handsy with me.
31:39Not interested.
31:40Oh, Casey Dean!
31:42You'll be seeing the last of me!
31:43Or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me!
31:51Can I talk to you for a second?
31:53Well, I've never really had much for saying that, have I?
31:56Okay.
31:57This is really hard for me.
31:58But, uh, I don't think I should be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
32:04You're cancelling our semi-non-date-ish standabout at Paul Richards?
32:08Yeah, that, whatever it is, it was, it's over.
32:12The whole thing.
32:18Do you understand that you are breaking up with a woman who is, in fact, not dating you?
32:25Yes, I do.
32:26For the first time in my life.
32:29And it feels right.
32:38What was that, exactly?
32:41Did Toby just reject me?
32:44Does he think by rejecting me, I'm going to suddenly want him?
32:48That old cliche.
32:50Yeah, because it didn't work.
32:52Newsflash, I still don't find Toby attractive.
32:56Hm?
32:57Even though he finally grew a spine and told me where to get off.
33:02Alright, maybe I find him a tiny bit more attractive now.
33:04But I mean, come on!
33:07Toby's my last chance!
33:10Toby's my last chance.
33:13And now he doesn't even want me.
33:16My God, he's good.
33:19Excuse me.
33:22Hey!
33:23Did you manage to feed him?
33:25I don't know what it is.
33:25He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
33:27That's because this baby is of superior intelligence and can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of
33:32a real human breast.
33:35He's not that smart.
33:36He doesn't know where I hid his duck.
33:44I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
33:51Yes, words can't bring me down.
33:56No, no, no, no.
33:58You're still here!
33:59Ah, thank God!
34:01Gloria Aiken, Santi Gold, Aaron Rodgers, you're like my three favorite people ever.
34:05Shh!
34:06Excuse me, what is this?
34:07Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay?
34:09You're obviously going to be on the show.
34:10So, it's someone else's turn now.
34:12Yep, go ahead.
34:13Alright?
34:16Um, my name is Ezra Cornell, and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
34:23No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on it.
34:27Busted.
34:28Got it, yes.
34:30Alright.
34:30Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.
34:35We do not want to hear you sing.
34:37Gabriella was our last audition.
34:39Thank you.
34:40Goodbye.
34:40Nope!
34:41Can't end like this.
34:42Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges.
34:46I went to the bathroom on my boss's car, and I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
34:51Ooh, flag on the plate.
34:52That's, that's what, yeah.
34:54Okay, alright, well here's the song.
34:57Far above Cayuga's waters, with her wave so blue, stands our noble alma mater.
35:09What is this song?
35:10Are you insane?
35:12It's the Cornell fight song.
35:13Listen, alright, thank you very much, we're not interested.
35:16You didn't let me finish, that's not fair.
35:18Look man, you're not terrible, but we've heard a lot of really good singers today, and you're
35:22just not good enough.
35:23Wow, you guys are really mean.
35:25I guess that's the show.
35:27Let me try a different song, okay?
35:29Can you do this?
35:29Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but brother, you're never fully
35:37dressed without a smile.
35:43Your clothes may be both probably.
35:47Look, you gotta go.
35:54You can't just sit here and cry.
35:56Oh, I can't so just sit here and cry!
36:12Thank you.
36:16Hey Kev, how you doing buddy?
36:19I can't hear you.
36:20I'm giving you the silence treatment.
36:23How does it feel being ignored?
36:27Okay, I guess it's just that Phillip got you something.
36:30Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
36:34I think there's like $7 left.
36:36It's just his way of saying, thanks for letting me hang out in accounting.
36:40Phillip got this for me?
36:42Sure.
36:44That was a really cool move.
36:46Would you like to hold Phillip?
36:50Yeah.
36:52That's Kevin.
36:54Whoa.
36:55Easy.
36:56What a chubbers.
36:59Whoa.
37:00Okay, hey.
37:00I'm losing my balance.
37:02Now Kevin.
37:02Hey, no.
37:03No, no harsh play.
37:04Stop it.
37:05Do you want to play with the cactus?
37:06No.
37:07No, no.
37:08So me and Phillip were just talking and we've decided we're gonna be best friends.
37:15He's a little standoffish at first, but once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.
37:26Toby.
37:27What?
37:29Nothing.
37:30This is gonna come as a surprise to you.
37:33Certainly came as a surprise to me.
37:35But I have reconsidered.
37:36And I will go to Paul Richards with you.
37:39As your date.
37:44No.
37:45I don't want to be anybody's second choice.
37:48Second choice?
37:49Oh, try 11th.
37:51See, that's what I'm talking about.
37:53Okay?
37:54You're making my point for me.
37:56I want the fairy tale.
37:59Sorry.
38:07I want the fairy tale.
38:13We have our decision.
38:16You chose one thing.
38:18We want to dance with you.
38:21You want to dance?
38:22One dance.
38:23All of us together.
38:26This is what you want?
38:27Yes.
38:28Absolutely.
38:31Better get some decent speakers up here then.
38:34Cause we're gonna do this right.
38:35Yeah!
38:36Yeah!
38:39Woo!
38:45All right.
38:46You want the fairy tale or here it is.
38:49Toby.
38:50I am throwing myself at you.
38:53I want to be with you tonight.
38:55Take me to this dark den and do with me as you please.
39:02Wow.
39:07Okay then.
39:08That's all I wanted.
39:09Somebody wanting me for me.
39:12You know?
39:13Not me always running after them.
39:16It's kind of arousing.
39:17So, yes.
39:20Yes.
39:22I will go with you to poor Richard's tonight as your date.
39:32No.
39:33Sorry.
39:34Oh.
39:34Oh, I'm so sorry.
39:36No.
39:37No, I can't.
39:38I can't.
39:38I thought I could.
39:39I can't.
39:40Oh, it's remarkable, isn't it?
39:41How close we come to making life destroying choices.
39:44But, no.
39:46So, so sorry though.
39:50Buffalo wings on me tonight.
39:53Oh.
39:54Hmm?
39:59All right.
40:01Free wings from a woman.
40:03It's not too shabby.
40:06Hey.
40:07You wanted to see me?
40:09Door.
40:09Chair.
40:13It's about Philip.
40:14I'm sorry he's here today, but I had this...
40:16I believe that that boy may be a shrewt.
40:20And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his.
40:25An enormous farm.
40:26An inheritance.
40:28And the right to be raised under rigorous shrewt traditions.
40:32You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
40:39How thoughtful.
40:41Then the two of you would move to my 1600 acre estate.
40:43Which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.
40:48If he is your son, that's a great plan.
40:54But he's not.
40:57He's not your son.
41:00Very well.
41:03Can I go back to my desk now?
41:04Yes.
41:18What's this?
41:19Well, I've been trying to tell you how I feel.
41:21And you wouldn't believe me.
41:24So...
41:26I needed a little help.
41:29Jim.
41:29I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
41:32Okay.
41:32I don't have my pocket code chart on me right now, so...
41:35Now!
41:37I have an assistant now who can help you with whatever you need.
41:40He is lazy, so crack the whip.
41:42Jim.
41:43I'm not kidding.
41:44I need you.
41:49Go ahead.
41:52Okay, um...
41:53This is...
41:55I'll be right back.
42:01What do we got?
42:02I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
42:05Wow!
42:06Okay, congratulations.
42:07That's a really big step, man.
42:08She's got a ton of great qualities.
42:10She's young.
42:11She's beautiful.
42:11Jeans so pure you could lick them.
42:14Her family admires me.
42:16My family tolerates hers.
42:17A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins.
42:20Which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest.
42:23Right in the sweet spot.
42:24I think you're gonna be really happy.
42:25Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen premium cattle sperm.
42:31That's a lot of pros.
42:32And did I mention that she weaves?
42:34Colorful, durable blankets and rugs.
42:36It all adds up.
42:37So what is the problem?
42:43Angela.
43:10I don't know what you want me to tell you, man.
43:14All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs
43:24every other concern.
43:25One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew.
43:31Every instinct.
43:33Every rational calculation.
43:35Some sort of virus.
43:38Love.
43:40Oh.
44:00The anger swells in my guts.
44:06And I won't feel these slices.
44:10And such.
44:17The anger swells in my guts.
44:21And it's a great deal.
44:21It's not a child.
44:22I have bad luck.
44:22And I need a heart.
44:23I need to lie.
44:24It's not a child.
44:30And I see theistic creature.
44:31The hell is not a child.
44:37I own a child.
44:41I'm in love with you.
44:44What?
45:00Dwight, listen.
45:01No matter what happens,
45:05you gotta forget about all the other stuff.
45:07You gotta forget about logic.
45:09And fear.
45:11And doubt.
45:12You just gotta do everything you can
45:15to get to the one woman
45:17who's gonna make all this worth it.
45:19At the end of the day,
45:22you gotta jump.
45:27You love Angela, Dwight.
45:32I think you always have.
45:38You're a good assistant, Jim.
45:41Not as good as you.
45:43That's very true.
45:47Get the hell out of here.
45:48You gotta.
45:50I was just, um, checking out my presents.
45:54This is an amazing gift
45:55because it comes with bonus gifts.
45:59Look inside.
46:05Oh my god.
46:08The yearbook picture.
46:10Yes.
46:10Incredible.
46:11Is this the boggle timer?
46:13I didn't think we even got that one.
46:14I really didn't.
46:15Oh no.
46:15This is like the best present ever.
46:17Wow.
46:17Okay, wait.
46:19What is this?
46:20The mini golf that's what you threw at me.
46:23It's like three years ago.
46:24You saved this?
46:26And I won't waste a minute without you.
46:36You watched it?
46:38Yeah.
46:39Well, then I guess you're ready for this.
46:44What's that?
46:45It's from the teapot.
46:48Everything you'll ever need to know
46:50is in that note.
47:08Not enough for me.
47:10You are everything.
47:19Thank you.
47:25Okay.
47:26Ready, everybody?
47:27Hey, I'm red.
47:51Hey, I'm red.
48:01Hey, I'm red.
48:02Midnight brings so slowly
48:04into hearts of men
48:06who need more than they did.
48:09Daylight needs so bad
48:11to a woman
48:13who had made too many things.
48:16The mirror stands you in the face
48:20and says,
48:21baby, I'm in the way.
48:24You say you're this,
48:26though you don't care.
48:27You dance and she goes,
48:29And you go, you go, you go, you go, you go.
48:38Dance,
48:39you go, you go, you go, you go.
48:45Sounds like three by the night.
48:48I'll chase my ride.
48:49No dreams to bookie-wash.
49:20¡Gracias!
49:22¡Gracias!
50:15I wanted to leave quietly, it seemed dignified,
50:19Pero tener Kevin grita en mi frente, mientras Aaron pretendía que me hagan de atrás, es un más adecuado tributo
50:24de mis años aquí.
50:27Voy a missar estos chicos.
50:30Ok, he's got my...
50:31See you guys at Poor Richard's.
50:32Alright, Meredith.
50:33Alright, bye.
50:34See you there.
50:34Bye, Philip.
50:35Listen, high five.
50:38Yay!
50:40I'm going to drop Philip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.
50:44You sure you don't want me to drop him off?
50:45She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman.
50:47I don't want to get her hopes up.
50:49Alright.
50:49Bye, buddy.
50:50Bye, bye, bye.
50:52Oh my goodness.
51:00Pull over!
51:02Dwight?
51:04Move to the side of the road!
51:06Why?
51:07Pull over!
51:09What is Dwight?
51:14Dwight, what the f*** is your problem?
51:16Silence, woman!
51:17Who drives like that?
51:19I love you, and I don't care if the pen-up's not my son.
51:22I will raise a hundred children with a hundred of your lovers if it means I can be with you.
51:29Can you put that down?
51:31This expresses how loudly I love you.
51:34It's too loud.
51:41This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors
51:48dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
51:53Okay, yes, yes, yes, I will!
51:59I love you.
52:01I love you!
52:04And I lied to you.
52:05What?
52:07Phillip's your son.
52:08What?
52:09Why would you say that?
52:10I just needed you to want to marry me, because you wanted to marry me.
52:16Get out!
52:18I'm a dad!
52:19You're a dad!
52:20Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
52:28Hey, grab a seat.
52:29We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table.
52:34Floor's up for grabs.
52:35Meredith has been hogging the can.
52:39Oh.
52:42You have to change the channel to PBS.
52:44Yeah, college baseball's on.
52:46Well, there's a documentary coming up.
52:47Everyone in the bar will love it.
52:48What's it about?
52:49A paper company.
52:52How many people want the game?
52:55Who wants PBS?
52:59Sorry.
53:00Time means I do nothing.
53:02Sir, please.
53:03This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
53:10One more for the doc.
53:16All right.
53:16Yes.
53:19How was the singing show audition?
53:20Oh, whatever.
53:23No big deal.
53:25Okay, 30 seconds to show time.
53:29I feel scared a little.
53:31Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
53:33No one is ready for this.
53:34You can't be ready for this.
53:35We don't even know what this is.
53:36One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
53:40Here we go.
53:45All right, Jim.
53:46Your quarterlies look very good.
53:48How are things going at the library?
53:50Oh, I told you.
53:50I couldn't close it, so.
53:52So you've come to the master for guidance.
53:55Is this what you're saying, Grasshopper?
53:57Uh, actually, you called me in here.
53:59All right.
54:00Well, let me show you how it's done.
54:38I'm going to show you how it's done.
54:41I'm going to show you how it's done.
54:41Gracias.
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