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00:00Could you possibly have failed to tell us you're fucking engaged?
00:03Oh, that's a casual ring. Totally casual.
00:07I mean, it's a wedding.
00:09It's exciting.
00:10It's just, I don't want to be consumed by it.
00:12I hear you're writing a book.
00:13Yeah.
00:13Monogamy and Gibbons.
00:15I'm using a few examples from our own marriage.
00:17Which examples might they be?
00:18I was going to tell you about Levi, I just didn't know what it was yet.
00:21It's gross.
00:23It's like we shared a genetic toothbrush.
00:25You're obsessed with me.
00:26You're obsessed with me.
00:28Maybe he's better off not being around me at the moment.
00:31Don't use me for closure.
00:33Come and get it yourself.
00:34Hi.
00:36Hi.
00:53I'll go first.
00:54Um, Abe.
00:56I...
00:58I'm really sorry for infiltrating your home
01:01and for doubting your devotion to my best friend
01:06and so, so, so sorry for fucking your son.
01:11It's all on me.
01:13I think that's real progress.
01:16What do you guys think?
01:19Oh?
01:20I think...
01:29Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:30Do you join me?
01:33Why?
01:45Ah!
02:08so what are you doing cleansing the space collecting all of your
02:16negative energy oh yeah i'm sensing paranoia trauma deep-rooted shame oh perhaps that's abe's energy i'm
02:30picking up on actually do you think that's really necessary i'll be all necessary freya stranger
02:39danger is coming into our home to assess us um it's actually me getting my needs assessed
02:46so i can claim funding for you ty that's what i said all eyes are going to be on me
02:58i doubt they'll be inspecting the contents of the fridge
03:04all feeling very crowded in here it's like someone's been adding things without me knowing
03:09look jam here right behind mayo or should i say behind mayo's back abe stop abe abe
03:22you have my attention i'm sorry if you feel like i was seeing joe behind your back
03:28and yeah i know my tits look incredible well first of all that's not an apology
03:36and second you lied i didn't lie i just wasn't telling the truth you lied it's it's it's akin to
03:43having an affair freya an affair abe she's my best friend i just don't understand why you felt you
03:48you couldn't tell me i guess i just didn't want to admit that i was lonely without her
03:58as your punishment
04:02you can eat this pickle from 2016.
04:05ah question have you ever been assessed before oh yeah they're super lovely people really back in
04:13canada this woman visited me with a pomeranian the whole thing was super chill you're gonna be great
04:19thank you
04:32the time is zero nine hundred hours we can begin introduction i answer to the name of susan
04:38never sue she doesn't exist are you holding my hand
04:43my job as your disability assessor is to evaluate your care package and assess everyday needs in a
04:50non-invasive forensic manner this will allow me to calculate the hours which we will fund your pa
04:55to work with you i have one rule never make assumptions one time in the army my whole squadron did
05:06everyone was killed except me make of that what you will questions morning anyone for tea
05:12zero eleven hundred hours we stop for tea and a boost
05:24a bit more i feel like we're going far to the right i feel like that is too far that's
05:28too far
05:28because i mean it's you and your book there should be a sort of healthy respectable distance between
05:34them i think you've got to get this right why that's um why is it a man in a cage
05:38not a woman ah now that
05:40is a fascinating question and i want you to ask yourself why you asked it okay because men of
05:46course are equally constrained no i'm regretting asking it and tell me that doesn't scream your
05:52dad during his trench coat phase yeah it does a bit actually so what's it about
05:59haven't you read it oh bug that's really hurtful i sent you and your father proofs weeks ago yeah but
06:05we just presumed it was the same normal dry ship but just really really long no it's popular science
06:12it's not for just 300 hyper literate mole people wearing cardigans it's it's for you it's got a
06:18dramatic arc it's it's got quirky facts did you know that male flanged orangutans take it up the
06:25shitter did you know that male bonobos like defense using their penises hard or soft you see i've got you
06:32that's it piqued your curiosity and that is what it does it's just science but with a little bit
06:36of juice yeah okay so define juice because i'm just skimming the first page here and i've already
06:40seen the phrase unstable sun i changed your name yeah to lee you've dropped one syllable listen it's
06:48still behavioral ecology but it's it's a scientific study of which animals make for life and which
06:54animals prefer hookups okay all i've done is i've spiced it up a bit and i've added a few personal
06:58anecdotes for you know to make me more relatable yeah but that's what worries me because what if
07:02me and dad find it a little bit too relatable yeah well if a 500 page book on gibbon sex
07:06is too
07:07relatable might i suggest it's not the gibbons that are the problem also why didn't you tell me that
07:11joe is stalking you what what jesus christ do you want me to say something no no don't get involved
07:18but i am already involved she just looked at me let's just ding it again don't don't wave why don't
07:23you
07:23invite her to the book signing okay please my numbers because i'd rather put my balls in a blender okay
07:27stay here and i'll go just please stay please
07:45do you like to cook love to cook oh my goodness make a rather mean spanish omelette if i may
07:52say
07:53got the recipe off some uh monks in my travels in valentia which is spain some left over if you'd
08:01like to try i don't do eggs they stink i notice your legs don't fit under the cooker inaccessible
08:09noted oh that's fine they don't really need to i mean i do most of the cooking happy to step
08:15in and be
08:16resident family chef order i don't know why i said that well actually without going all trad wife um i
08:25would love to be able to cook for myself and my partner and i need a pa in order to
08:31do so
08:42what no i that's two more hours added oh perfect what about laundry
08:50taking out the rubbish groceries oh well my yep if you want to check under there you'll find it powder
08:55fresh i am on the bins once a day men actually and while ironing is considered by some to be
09:01a
09:01bit of a gendered sport yes sorry while abe is very happy to help uh i have my pa to
09:11be able to help with
09:12household tasks and uh anything else that i need including laundry oh sure yeah no but it's just much
09:18easier for me just to step in and and it's important that i share these tasks with my partner and
09:25i do so
09:26by having a pa
09:32right got it no absolutely sorry it is all very equal all balanced all equal and uh this one oh
09:41yeah oh
09:44um i think i'm just gonna leave you to it great idea yeah yeah thanks thanks love bye right up
09:50next
09:51toileting
10:03oh hi uh i didn't see you there right okay well i could feel you eye-fucking me from about
10:09five feet away
10:10no i was fully engrossed in this um um seminal piece of literature so can i please just ask you
10:20what you're doing here well i tried calling yes and i thought maybe eight ignored calls would probably
10:25send quite a clear message so if you don't mind i'm actually halfway through enabling my mum's midlife
10:29crisis so it would be great if you could just mum what are you doing the wanderer returns don't worry
10:36i've tried ghosting him too never works um congrats on the on the book i mean it's got
10:43abe in a cage on the cover so what shall i how do you want it uh oh you don't
10:47have to do that
10:47or yeah no joe's joe's great
10:57thank you that's payment is at the till
11:00so bug my publisher wants me to meet some literary lesbians for some kind of highbrow
11:05hors d'oeuvre would you mind finishing the display sure that sounds like a made-up event but yeah go
11:10hang out with your big lesbians joe would you mind helping levi no that won't be necessary no i'd be
11:16delighted thank you great what spicy
11:47great complete so obviously i need help getting dressed and undressed
11:55i can do that faster i'll try again oh god
12:05i can also do a bouncy blow
12:17lacquered bamboo two centimeters 21 by 71 now we bend at the knee back straight core engaged chest
12:41deep breaths
12:43okay question 29 do you need support during copulation
12:54sorry is that really necessary to know depends on whether you see copulation as a basic need
13:00some councils prefer to fund light bulbs being fitted but uh as you can see i tend to challenge the
13:06status quo uh well yeah yeah it's definitely a vital need for me okay and question 30 how does copulation
13:13occur uh well mainly from behind i meant do you need pa support oh um happy to help yeah i
13:24mean they're a very
13:26handsome couple so uh all hands on deck if if uh i just need to tie kind of before the
13:32act
13:33yeah to prepare for the copulation uh and after and uh and after yeah what happens after the copulation
13:41uh well i normally pop in after i hear abe snoring it's often worth cracking a window
13:48uh informative okay section five mobility uh can you open this drawer
14:08people say everyone has a book inside of them
14:12what do you think mine would be i know you think it's really amusing to come in today but i'm
14:16actually not doing this joe okay yours would be the chronicles of a man child
14:21do you have any idea how worried i was about you you just like disappear without a trace and then
14:26suddenly i find out you're hanging out with freya okay i don't know what to tell you
14:33i'm sorry for being a massive
14:35asshole size is irrelevant when it comes to being an okay look i was overwhelmed and i didn't know what
14:40to do or say so then i just don't care anymore joe i'm not interested okay but i haven't had
14:45a chance
14:45to tell you tell me what huh excuse me i haven't had a chance to tell you
15:01sorry guys excuse me clearly nothing of importance great chat joe see you never
15:12and how often do you use the stairs seriously no i mean obviously never you've seen my notes yeah
15:20it's just abe's mind cave up there downstairs is where the party's at have you walked much this year
15:27what no still not walking so obviously no just rolling through life like a champ aren't you girl
15:34any dementia no advanced alzheimer's no are you non-verbal autistic i mean clearly not
15:46so no serious cognitive disabilities what the hell i mean we've been talking for the last four hours
15:53is that a no yes it's a no see that's actually quite unclear
16:01now okay thirteen hundred hours assessment ends i cannot reveal the outcome of the assessment but
16:10my recommendation is that the number of hours you claim for your pa remain the same
16:20sorry happy tears can i have a private word yeah absolutely
16:26with friar
16:34is that an engagement ring
16:38let me guess you're not a fan of love not when it means you lose half your funding
16:42sorry what if you're married the law sees aid with someone to aid you
16:47i i don't see how wearing a ring on my finger changes the way that i navigate my life with
16:52a pa
16:53i mean my needs are still going to be the same unless your husband dies
16:57in which case we would reevaluate the situation but as your husband-to-be isn't currently dead
17:02he is considered your primary caregiver i hate a hold of this to speak freely permission granted
17:10look it's clear you're very capable but this house this situation it disables you
17:17what does that mean means you might want to find somewhere else to live
17:22and think about putting your autonomy first
17:28i was in love once didn't end so well i'm so sorry yeah ten actually didn't feel the same
17:36there were restraining orders i got messy
17:42i'll see myself out
17:57hey oh hey motherfucker i really need to talk to you oh snap um where are you i mean i
18:04don't
18:05know what the fuck to do i'm obviously not gonna cancel the wedding but you know how abe feels
18:11about the house he's never gonna sell yeah his repressed british sadness seeps through the brickwork
18:18not helpful look i mean maybe finding somewhere new isn't the worst idea don't all newlyweds buy
18:23renovate and then divorce maybe sorry i haven't even asked how you are uh no it's fine let's just keep
18:32fun unraveling your domestic neurosis that it's way more fun wait a sec you're avoiding saying
18:38something vulnerable oh it's about levi you want to get back together with him i hate it when you do
18:49that uh okay look i know i don't want it to be a thing but it kind of is a
18:56thing and like i don't
18:57know it's kind of gross but we sort of fit in a fucked up way have you talked to him
19:03about this
19:04i have tried okay look as disgusting as i find it if you're gonna betray me at least you're doing
19:12it
19:12with meaning and my consent but you really need to talk to him or we could just get shit-faced
19:20yeah yeah
19:22but you have to come with me tonight no hey boy hey oh so any nerves about the big day
19:34no second
19:35time around you don't really sweat the small stuff button no i mean mom's book launch oh oh no no
19:41not
19:41at all no happy for her look at this since she's gone from niche academia to writing a big proper
19:47book
19:48even if said book really draws from her own life experiences
19:56i think after all these years there's nothing your mother could say that would surprise me
20:00when i was married i had an affair
20:05with the neighbor next door we met on saturday mornings in his shed it wasn't romantic or glamorous
20:14it was animal instinctive hungry sometimes if my husband was out and the kids were asleep
20:23i'd slip out the back door we'd meet around the side of the house didn't always make it to the
20:29shed
20:30my buttocks would bleed on the brickwork i'd bite my fist to keep from crying out
20:37this went on for years humans are animals and monogamy is the exception not the rule in the animal
20:45kingdom lions form haremes dolphins are bisexual and have many many partners some species sure are
20:55socially monogamous to rear offspring like gibbons gray wolves dick dicks and sea horses
21:05and albatross
21:09and termites marriage wasn't made for love it was made for power and control the moment a woman says i
21:19do
21:19she enters a story she didn't write the ring may be gold and the cage invisible but it is definitely
21:27there and it is made of steel so this may be a warning a message of hope excuse me
21:45it's so embarrassing it's fine it's so far from being fine what if jane's right what that we're all
21:51poly super sluts and so are dolphins obviously no that i could lose all my funding and be caged with
21:58a man and be dependent on him which is really dangerous in the animal kingdom okay frail what
22:02you want to do huh you want to move out you want to call off the wedding because frankly i'm
22:06getting
22:06a little tired of your excuses as to why you don't want to get married
22:12and i wish you all the best with the polyamory thank you hope it goes well bye
22:19what was that was it an interrupted reading of my book you you you wanted to do this i had
22:27to find that
22:28out in public who are you was it compost colin okay so i told you to read it and i
22:35told you to read it
22:36all the way through i'm guessing you didn't why was that the very next paragraph says i didn't go
22:40through with it it was just an affair of the mind of the mind yes it was a it was
22:45a fantasy that was the
22:47whole don't look at me like that everybody does it so you didn't actually oh jesus jane i mean maybe
22:54start with that because my publicist said that the scandal bit was the hook and she was right look
23:00it's working
23:11jane this this is a distorted unfair wholly biased version of anything you and i ever had together
23:19and colin was like five foot four for fuck's sake used to wear those stupid little loafers
23:23i'm five foot four and i wear stupid loafers i'm sorry you find it so threatening used to call
23:28him tassel toes well that's not what i used to call him in my mind gross listen abe this is
23:33your
23:33shit i sent you the pdfs and i changed the name so do you want me to sign this who
23:40shall sign it to
23:41well gabe yeah okay you literally changed one letter to gabe fuck off
23:49chain you know i do have deep respect for these very complicated emotions you're having around
23:54my book but if you'll see that there is actually an exceptionally long line of people who are
23:58interested in reading it so you're a very rude person don't give a shit
24:10that must have been hard oh yeah not sure i'm ever gonna really get hard again
24:19hey uh levi i um i'm so sorry i'm so shit at expressing myself i do feel that like after
24:28six
24:28us as a champagne it might be easier so i miss you i thought about you all the time and
24:34i just
24:35didn't know what to do and so yeah there you go i just i said it so yeah okay um
24:40well um that's
24:41very nice to hear joe thank you do you think that like we could spend some time what what i
24:47think is
24:47that uh you make me feel like shit and it's not good for me you know um and that means
24:56therefore
24:57you're not good for me and um because of that i think it's probably best that we just uh
25:03we just see each other around
25:07so um it's been fun
25:16hey
25:19twat had his light on i just drove straight past him
25:23ableist bastard
25:25i need to talk to you about something well yeah don't worry about knocking over the book display
25:29it's a welcome distraction if anything
25:34abe that must have been so difficult for you
25:39but honestly fuck it
25:43yeah fuck it fuck it fuck it
25:48fuck it fuck it
25:50fuck it
25:51okay okay you're glitching there's something else i need to talk to you about
25:55what's up
26:14ORGAN PLAYS
26:30I'm serious, Joe. I can't do this.
26:35Having my funding taken away is one thing, but becoming reliant on you for everything?
26:43I mean, I don't want that for either of us, do you?
26:48It isn't ideal.
26:49No shit.
26:50But we will figure it out.
26:55I mean, that's what we do, right?
26:59So, um, what's the solution?
27:03I don't have a solution right this second.
27:07Great.
27:08But I love you.
27:11And you know I'll do anything to make you happy.
27:15Anything?
27:17Mm-hmm.
27:19I need you to sell the house.
27:25I don't think I can do that.
27:53I have a solution right now.
27:55I'm sorry.
27:56That's right.
27:56I need you to sell it.
27:56You
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