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Have I Got News for You US S04E09
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00:21Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:23I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:25In the news this week.
00:28Despite leadership shakeup,
00:30Kennedy Center still booking major acts.
00:39A quick look at Americans checking their 401Ks.
00:47Don Jr.'s morning regimen revealed.
00:50Fentanyl, heroin, medicine, cocaine.
00:53On Amberstein tonight, he's a comedian.
00:55He's been on Kimmel, NPR, and Comedy Central,
00:57and he's known for hilariously calling out racism
01:00wherever he sees it.
01:02Michael, maybe you should leave now.
01:04It's Harry Cundibola.
01:09And joining Team Michael,
01:12he's an award-winning journalist
01:13who has won three Edward R. Murrow Awards
01:16and hosted NPR's All Things Considered
01:18until last year,
01:20when I assume he ran out of things to consider.
01:22It's Ari Shapiro.
01:26Now, for the biggest stories of the week.
01:29Amber, Ari, watch the clips.
01:32Tell me, what is the story?
01:34Okay, this is our best friend.
01:36And that is a map.
01:38Straight up Hormuz.
01:39The doors are closed.
01:40So, I'm just gonna say
01:42this story is about
01:44how everyone hates us and they're right.
01:45Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:47I agree with that.
01:48Yes, the story is
01:49Donald Trump goes to war with the world
01:51and people abroad are not fans of it.
01:54But how's it going here at home?
01:56If you could say something to President Trump
01:57and he was gonna hear you right now,
01:59what would it be?
02:01You're a worthless pile of s***.
02:05And you voted for him how many times?
02:07Three times.
02:08That was my bad.
02:10Apparently, I'm an idiot.
02:15The most honest person in America.
02:17Three times.
02:19Now, as the war continues,
02:20President Trump seems perpetually surprised
02:22that Iran is actually fighting back
02:25during a war.
02:27So, now, Trump,
02:28a man who seems to burn bridges
02:30while he's only halfway across the bridge,
02:34has finally realized,
02:35oh, dear, I need help from other countries.
02:38How's that getting help from other countries going?
02:40Yeah, apparently, when you do stuff
02:41without asking people,
02:42they don't want to help you afterwards.
02:44Here's Dan Abash
02:45with how some of our allies responded.
02:47Germany, this war has nothing to do with NATO.
02:49It's not NATO's war.
02:50UK, we will not be drawn into the wider war.
02:53Italy, Italy is not part of the conflict.
02:55Australia, we will not be sending a ship
02:57to the Strait of Hormuz.
02:58Japan, we are proceeding with consideration.
03:02We are considering his Japanese for fuck you.
03:06When Trump met with the Japanese prime minister,
03:08Sanai Takeshi,
03:10what happened in the meeting?
03:12He thought it would be a great idea
03:13to make a joke
03:14about bombing Pearl Harbor.
03:17Why didn't you tell US allies
03:20in Europe and Asia, like Japan,
03:23about the war before attacking Iran?
03:25We didn't tell anybody about it
03:26because we wanted surprise.
03:29Who knows better about surprise than Japan?
03:32OK, why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?
03:35OK, right?
03:38To be fair, he got some laughs in the room.
03:40He got like two groans.
03:42I'll take it.
03:44Also love, he did the joke,
03:46it bombed, and then he goes,
03:47right?
03:50The ladies know what I'm talking about, right?
03:52He made the attack
03:54without telling the other countries
03:55because normally in war, you go,
03:56hey, I'm going to go over there
03:57and punch them in the face,
03:58make sure you got my back.
03:59But Trump instead punched people in the face
04:02and then came back and go,
04:03hey, I just punched them in the face.
04:05Would you mind helping me fight?
04:08Here he is hedging his bets.
04:10We have the strongest military
04:11by far in the world.
04:12We don't need them.
04:13But it's interesting.
04:16I'm almost doing it in some cases
04:17not because we need them,
04:18but because I want to find out
04:19how they react.
04:20Oh, he's going through the stages of grief.
04:22That's denied.
04:24According to Trump,
04:26it'll be, quote,
04:27very bad for the future of NATO
04:29if they don't help us.
04:31He's going to bomb NATO.
04:34He's going to bomb the hell out of NATO.
04:35Britain's former chief of the defense staff
04:37doesn't want NATO to get pulled into this war.
04:40NATO was created as a
04:41underlined four times defensive alliance.
04:44It was not an alliance that was designed
04:46for one of the allies
04:47to go on a war of choice
04:48and then oblige everybody else to follow.
04:51Is that red thing his heart rate?
04:55So now Trump's in a bit of a pickle.
04:57He started a war that no one wants to help in
04:59and there's no clear way out of that war.
05:01But Trump is a scrappy guy
05:02who's always overcome adversity
05:04and he's overcome adversity all by himself.
05:07He doesn't need people.
05:08Is Donald Trump a self-made man?
05:14The truth of the matter is that
05:15Donald Trump sees himself as self-made.
05:18In 2015, he was asked this question
05:21at an election town hall.
05:22With the exception of your family,
05:24have you ever been told no?
05:26It has not been easy for me.
05:27And, you know, I started off in Brooklyn.
05:29My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.
05:33The only thing he made himself was that color.
05:38That's great.
05:41From the very moment Donald Trump
05:43has started in business,
05:44there has always been somebody there
05:46to bail him out when he failed
05:49and he has failed a lot.
05:51In fact, Wikipedia has a whole category
05:54called Businesses of Donald Trump
05:57that went bankrupt.
05:58And it has 24 separate pages.
06:03Question to the panel.
06:04What is your favorite failed Donald Trump business?
06:08I like the Trump Taj Mahal going down.
06:10That was always a big one.
06:11The casino, the Atlantic City.
06:12Yeah, because on behalf of India,
06:14fuck you.
06:17Well, of all the failed Trump businesses,
06:19there was this one.
06:21The Sharper Image is one of my favorite stores
06:24with fantastic products of all kinds.
06:27That's why I'm thrilled they agree with me.
06:30Trump's stakes are the world's greatest stakes,
06:32and I mean that in every sense of the word.
06:35How many senses of the word are there?
06:39The bigger question is,
06:40why are you buying a stake at an electronic store?
06:44According to the former CEO of Sharper Image,
06:48quote,
06:48we literally sold almost no stakes.
06:52In every sense of the word.
06:55So the man who failed at casinos,
06:57failed at hotels,
06:58failed at stakes,
06:58has gotten us into a war
07:00that he promised he would never start,
07:02and now he's resorting to what he always does
07:04when things aren't going his way.
07:06He blames other people.
07:07Does anyone know which one of our allies
07:10Trump threw under the bus on Wednesday night?
07:13He posted this long-truth social rant
07:15about Israel bombing an oil and gas field
07:19that was jointly owned by Qatar and Iran,
07:21and Qatar is a U.S. ally,
07:23and he said Israel will never do that again,
07:25and Qatar,
07:26we're not going to bomb any more oil and gas fields,
07:28and tsk, tsk,
07:29shame on you.
07:30That is correct.
07:31Points to you, Ari.
07:32It was Israel.
07:33Wednesday night on Truth Social,
07:35Trump posted, quote,
07:37Israel, out of anger
07:38for what has taken place in the Middle East,
07:40has violently lashed out
07:41at a major facility in Iran.
07:43The United States knew nothing
07:45about this particular attack.
07:48This particular...
07:49You know how bad it's got to be
07:50for Trump to distance himself from you?
07:52He's still kicking with Rudy Giuliani.
07:56So Trump is, uh, cornered,
07:58he's alienated his allies,
08:00angered his supporters,
08:01and even some of his own staff
08:03won't back him up.
08:03There's only one option.
08:05Here's the president on Wednesday.
08:06I wonder what would happen
08:08if we, quote,
08:09finished off what's left
08:10of the Iranian terror state
08:11and let the countries that use it,
08:13we don't,
08:14be responsible for the so-called straight.
08:16That would get some of our non-responsive allies
08:18in gear and fast,
08:19President DJT.
08:20He misspelled straight.
08:24Maybe it's like a Gulf of America
08:26type situation.
08:27Right, right, right.
08:27Yeah.
08:28So from now on,
08:29that will be how it is spelled.
08:33Michael and Ari, watch the clip.
08:35Tell me, what is the story?
08:37Capitol Hill.
08:37Okay.
08:38Oh, that's that guy, Bruce Wayne.
08:40Mark Wayne Mullen.
08:40I'm going to go with Bruce Wayne.
08:41And then Cruella de Vil.
08:43Yes, of course.
08:45Cash Patel.
08:46Yeah.
08:46Tulsi Gabbard, Cash Patel,
08:48went to the Capitol,
08:49and like all meetings
08:51with Trump officials
08:53talking to congresspeople,
08:54it did not go well.
08:55The story is,
08:56while Trump's focus
08:57is on other countries,
08:59the Senate was focused
08:59on domestic matters
09:01this last week
09:02at the confirmation hearing
09:03for Trump's nominee
09:04to head up the Department
09:05of Homeland Security,
09:07Senator Mark Wayne Mullen,
09:08look like a business casual
09:10woodchuck right there.
09:13It says there's going to be
09:14three more weeks of winter.
09:15Tell you what,
09:15there's going to be
09:15three more weeks of winter.
09:17Confirmation hearing
09:18is to hold a prospective
09:19appointee's feet to the fire.
09:21And there's nobody better
09:22to do the scrutinizing
09:24than Iowa Senator Joni Ertz.
09:26I am going to say
09:27to the president,
09:28I am really upset
09:29that he has made your nomination.
09:32Why?
09:33Because I will be losing
09:35from the Senate
09:35one of the best friends
09:37that I have here.
09:38Truly.
09:43Siri, play End of the Road
09:45by Boyz II Men.
09:48One person really seemed
09:50to lead the charge
09:51against Senator Mullen
09:52in the hearing.
09:53Which Republican was it?
09:55Was it Rand Paul?
09:56The only senator
09:57who has his barber
09:58to make him look like
09:59the dude from The Bear.
10:00Look at that haircut.
10:01Senator Paul gave
10:02a hard no vote
10:04against Mullen,
10:05adding, quote,
10:05I think there are
10:07anger issues.
10:09You did many interviews
10:10in which you justified
10:11the violence
10:12as historically justified
10:13by precedents,
10:14such as caning
10:15and dueling.
10:16What I was simply
10:17pointing out
10:18is some of the rules
10:18that still apply
10:19to this body.
10:21For instance,
10:23dueling with two
10:24consenting adults
10:24is still there.
10:26I was pointing out
10:27what is still
10:28It's been illegal
10:28for 170 years.
10:30There's no precedent
10:32for legal dueling.
10:34We should bring back dueling.
10:36But only between
10:37two consenting adults.
10:38I don't know.
10:39Well, question,
10:40does anyone know
10:40where Rand and Mark
10:42Wayne's conflicts
10:43began?
10:44When Rand Paul's neighbor
10:47beat the shit out of him
10:49and Mark Wayne Lohan
10:50said to Rand Paul,
10:51you asshole,
10:52you probably deserved it.
10:53Point!
10:54Yes, indeed.
10:55Rand Paul's beef
10:56with Mark Wayne
10:57goes all the way
10:57back to 2017
10:59after Rand was assaulted
11:00by his neighbor
11:01in a property line dispute.
11:03After that,
11:03Mark Wayne repeatedly
11:04told a group of voters
11:05that he understood
11:07completely why his neighbor
11:08might want to attack
11:10Senator Paul.
11:12I don't know
11:12the details of this dispute
11:14with a neighbor,
11:14but I've lived in Washington
11:16and covered politics
11:17long enough
11:17to be able to say
11:18he is, let's just say,
11:19not one of the most
11:20beloved senators
11:21on Capitol Hill.
11:22Why?
11:23Well, I think you might
11:25want to ask his neighbor.
11:27There seems to be
11:28another element
11:29of Mark Wayne's past
11:31that is coming back
11:32to haunt him right now.
11:34What part of Mullen's
11:35backstory is still
11:37being brought into question?
11:38He was a stripper.
11:40What would be
11:41Mark Wayne Mullen's
11:42stripper name?
11:43Mark Wayne full-on?
11:46What?
11:49Mark Wayne
11:49instead of Mullen,
11:50full-on,
11:51like a full-on...
11:52Like a boner?
11:53Like a boner, yeah.
11:54Oh.
11:55Okay.
11:55Earlier this month,
11:56Mark Wayne went on Fox News
11:57to defend our attacks on Iran,
11:59and he said this...
12:00War is ugly.
12:01It smells bad.
12:02And if anybody's ever
12:03been there
12:04and been able to smell
12:05the war
12:08that's happened around you
12:09and taste it
12:09and fill it
12:10in your nostrils
12:11and hear it,
12:12it's something that
12:13you'll never forget.
12:14Fact check true.
12:16Okay.
12:17But can you taste it?
12:18Can you taste the war?
12:19I personally have never
12:19tasted it,
12:20but maybe he's been in wars
12:21that I haven't covered
12:22as a journalist,
12:22so I'm not gonna...
12:23I'm not gonna yuck his yum.
12:28After seeing Mark Wayne
12:30talk about the smell of war,
12:33New York rep
12:33and two-time Bronze Star recipient
12:36Pat Ryan shared the clip
12:38and asked,
12:38quote,
12:39Hey, Senator Mullen,
12:40what the actual fuck
12:41are you talking about?
12:42Did I miss the part
12:43of your bio
12:44where you served in combat
12:46or served in uniform at all?
12:48Call of Duty doesn't count.
12:52Bigger question.
12:53Did Rand Paul's strategy work?
12:55One of the most reliable rules
12:57of presidential nominations
12:58is if you want to get
12:59somebody confirmed,
13:00pick a senator
13:00because senators confirm their own.
13:02That's the rule.
13:03So if Senator Mark Wayne Mullen
13:05does not get confirmed
13:06as Secretary of Homeland Security
13:08because of a beef
13:09between Rand Paul
13:10and his neighbor,
13:11that is bonkers.
13:12You would need
13:13some kind of turncoat Democrat
13:14to vote for Mark Wayne Mullen
13:16for this thing to proceed
13:18and I don't think
13:18that's gonna happen.
13:22What?
13:23Mark Wayne Mullen
13:24is moving on
13:25to the fantasy suites
13:26aka the Republican Senate
13:28because the deciding vote
13:30to approve Mark Wayne Mullen
13:32came from a Democratic senator,
13:36Pennsylvania king
13:37of the drawstring,
13:39John Fetterman.
13:41Oh, no.
13:43Right.
13:44John Fetterman dressed like a daddy
13:45and got custody of his kids.
13:48He just wears sweatshirts, right?
13:50It's just a range of sweatshirts.
13:51Interesting.
13:52So it wasn't just Mark Wayne Mullen.
13:53Who else found themselves
13:54in the hot seat
13:55before the Senate this week?
13:57There was Tulsi
13:57and there was cash.
13:59Yes.
13:59It was Tulsi Gabbard
14:00aka the National Intelligence Director
14:02and she's like one of the mamas
14:04at a rough parent teacher conference.
14:06Your child is a piece of shit.
14:10Now, a question to the panel.
14:12Why might Tulsi be so evasive
14:14in her answers
14:16about the U.S. strikes on Iran?
14:18Because the president
14:19keeps making claims
14:21about why we went to war with Iran
14:24and everything that he's saying
14:27is contradicted by the report
14:29that our Director of National Intelligence
14:31submitted to the Congress
14:33and to the president.
14:35Here's what Tulsi Gabbard
14:36campaigned on back in 2020.
14:38He's on the brink of launching
14:39a very stupid
14:40and costly war with Iran.
14:42We have to stop President Trump
14:44from starting a war with Iran
14:45and risk direct U.S. conflict
14:47with Russia.
14:48Conflict that could easily
14:49lead to nuclear war.
14:51The U.S. must not go to war
14:53with Iran.
14:54And by not go to war
14:56she meant we should go to war.
14:58Go to war with Iran, yeah.
15:00That was 2020, Roy.
15:02Things are different now.
15:03Tulsi's testimony was part
15:05of a hearing on global threats
15:06where we also heard
15:07from FBI Director Cash Patel
15:10looking like he's trying
15:10to get the waiter's attention
15:11but the waiter is ignoring him
15:13on purpose.
15:15On Thursday,
15:16the House Select Intelligence Committee
15:18had questions for Cash
15:19over his firing of some FBI agents.
15:23Question, why were the firing
15:24of those FBI agents so concerning?
15:27Because they would have come in handy.
15:29We're at war with Iran
15:30and they could have helped.
15:31Points!
15:32I did it!
15:35Cash fired the agents
15:37in charge of monitoring threats
15:39from Iran.
15:40These last two stories
15:42have been rough, man.
15:43Tulsi Gabbard's a Hindu,
15:44this guy's an Indian.
15:45It's like, what did I do?
15:48Did you always know
15:49his first name,
15:50full name was Cashyap?
15:51Yeah.
15:52It's like when you find out
15:53like your homeboy's name
15:54is T-Bone
15:55but his real name
15:55is like Douglas.
15:56So you're like, really?
15:58Do you think his dad
16:00wanted to name him
16:01Money Talks?
16:05But instead
16:06they went with Cashyap?
16:12The big question
16:13people have for Cash Patel
16:14this week is
16:15what are those?
16:18Oh.
16:19All week,
16:19people have been roasting
16:20the custom one-of-a-kind
16:22Nike Dunk Lows
16:23that director Patel
16:24debuted at a seminar.
16:25Let's take a closer look
16:26at these sneakers.
16:27I don't know if there are
16:28any hypebeasts out there
16:29watching, but
16:30these are custom.
16:31The number nine
16:32is specific
16:33because Cash is
16:34the ninth FBI director.
16:36And if you look on the tongue,
16:37it has this personal
16:38K-dollar sign,
16:40H logo.
16:41The right shoe
16:42on the back there.
16:43No.
16:44That's the FBI model.
16:46And then the left shoe
16:47has the Punisher skull
16:48because he's just
16:49a giant fucking dork.
16:51Like, why?
16:51I just have to say
16:53I don't like Cash Patel.
16:55I don't like what he does.
16:56But I like that he's having fun.
17:00Like, I'm going to get sneakers
17:01with my name on him.
17:03He's showing up
17:04to hockey games.
17:05He's popping champagne.
17:07He's getting silly shoes made.
17:09It's a good time.
17:10This is what you would do
17:11if you were FBI director.
17:13A hundred percent.
17:14Never vote for me.
17:16Never.
17:24Welcome back.
17:25It's time for
17:26the offender meter.
17:27Teams have to tell us
17:28who's the offender,
17:29what they did,
17:30and who they offended.
17:31Put an offender
17:32on the screen, please.
17:33Who's that offender, team?
17:35Is that John Oliver?
17:38After, like,
17:39eight whoppers, maybe.
17:41See, I'm a radio guy.
17:42I recognize people's voices.
17:43No idea what anyone looks like.
17:44Oh, well, this guy
17:44sounds like this.
17:45Eh.
17:46Oh, right?
17:47That is Massachusetts
17:49federal judge
17:50Brian Murphy.
17:52Who do you all suspect
17:53that Judge Brian Murphy
17:55offended?
17:55Did he talk shit
17:56about Ben Affleck?
17:58Brian Murphy offended
17:59HHS director
18:01RFK Jr.
18:02seen here telling children
18:04that Sprite causes lupus?
18:08How did Judge Murphy
18:09offend RFK Jr.?
18:11Did he strike down
18:12a vaccine policy,
18:13saying it was not
18:14founded in science?
18:15Point!
18:18On Monday,
18:19Judge Murphy blocked RFK
18:20from policy changes
18:21that were recommended
18:22by his hand-picked
18:23advisory committee,
18:24or as Greg Kelly put it.
18:25Okay, so, um,
18:27we'll have to give kids
18:2872 vaccines all over again?
18:31Is that what's going on here?
18:33What was that music?
18:37That was Indiana Jones
18:38running from the boulder music.
18:40The vaccines are coming.
18:42You got to run.
18:43Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
18:56And as part of his decision,
18:58Judge Murphy brought up
18:59one very specific case
19:02involving which musical fan base?
19:06Is it the K-pop people?
19:07Oh, this is domestic, baby.
19:09Is it, um,
19:10insane clown posse?
19:14Juggalos!
19:14Boys!
19:15Oh!
19:17Oh!
19:17Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:19Oh!
19:23In one part of the ruling,
19:25Murphy cited
19:25Parsons v. United States
19:27Department of Justice,
19:28which was a case
19:29where the Juggalos
19:30tried to fight
19:31their designation as a gang.
19:33At this point,
19:34I'd rather have
19:35the insane clown posse
19:36in charge of HHS
19:37than...
19:37Oh, that's right.
19:38...RFK Jr.,
19:39but at least we now know
19:41they have an interest in science.
19:43Water, fire, air and dirt.
19:45Fucking magnets.
19:46How do they work?
19:48We're asking all the real questions.
19:50Fucking magnets.
19:51They don't want to
19:52tell you about the magnets.
19:53It just worked.
19:54You're not allowed
19:55to ask those questions.
19:56We ain't allowed.
19:57Why is it weird
19:58that RFK Jr. made a bunch
19:59of changes to the vaccine schedule?
20:02When he was confirmed,
20:03they were like,
20:04are you going to change
20:04the vaccine schedule?
20:05He's like, nah, I'm good.
20:06And then he did it,
20:07just like Donald Trump said.
20:08I'm not going to go to war
20:09with Iran,
20:09and then he did it.
20:10During his confirmation hearings,
20:11Kennedy said he wouldn't change
20:12the existing vaccine recommendations.
20:15Senator, I support vaccines.
20:19I support the childhood schedule.
20:22I will do that.
20:23I mean, the worm
20:24might have eaten
20:25the part of his brain
20:26that remembers saying that.
20:27What if that was
20:28the worm talking?
20:31One committee member,
20:33Dr. Kirk Milhone,
20:34seen here asking
20:35what it's going to take
20:35to get you into
20:36a new Dodge Stratus.
20:40Dr. Milhone is
20:41a pediatric cardiologist
20:43who has suggested
20:44that all childhood vaccines,
20:46including shots against polio
20:47and measles,
20:48should be optional
20:49because the diseases
20:51no longer pose
20:52the dangers
20:52they once did.
20:54Oh, I wonder why
20:55they no longer pose
20:56that danger.
20:57Maybe because
20:58they were eradicated
20:59by vaccines.
21:00Kennedy and his team
21:01have been wreaking havoc
21:02on vaccines in this country
21:03since taking over,
21:05reducing the number
21:06of recommended
21:07routine immunizations
21:08children receive
21:09from 17 to 11.
21:12Which diseases
21:13does the CDC
21:14no longer recommend
21:16vaccines for?
21:18Is it gonorrhea?
21:19Yeah.
21:19Cooties?
21:20Mumps, measles.
21:22Rickets.
21:22Some of the illnesses
21:23that the CDC
21:24no longer recommends
21:25children get regularly
21:26vaccinated for
21:27are hepatitis A,
21:28hepatitis B,
21:30rotavirus,
21:30influenza,
21:31and COVID.
21:33Yes.
21:34Those diseases
21:35build character.
21:35You got to catch them.
21:38A new Axios poll
21:40says that
21:4070% of Americans
21:42have little
21:43or no trust
21:44in health information
21:46from Kennedy.
21:48I just think
21:48it's hard to take
21:49medical advice
21:50from a guy
21:51that sounds like that.
21:52Like, he sounds
21:53like he's dying.
21:54He does die.
21:55He sounds like
21:56he's actively dying.
21:59Uh, does anyone
22:00know what other battle
22:01RFK Jr. was fighting
22:02right before Judge Murphy
22:04handed down
22:05this week's decision?
22:05Was he wrestling
22:06a shark?
22:07He very well
22:08could have been
22:09wrestling a shark.
22:10Uh, here's a video
22:11the secretary posted
22:12last weekend.
22:13And here we go!
22:14The crowd is on their feet!
22:15What an entrance!
22:17Hustle takes on
22:18the stack!
22:19What power!
22:20A huge suplex!
22:22What a slam!
22:23This is incredible!
22:24That's gotta be AI.
22:26I'm okay with him
22:27fighting Twinkies.
22:29Twinkies don't mold!
22:32That's not normal!
22:33Some of my best friends
22:34are Twinkies.
22:37Let's see your offender!
22:39Oh, these guys.
22:41Oh, they're the children
22:43of the corn.
22:45Is the corn
22:46Elon Musk?
22:48Yes.
22:48Yes, these two are
22:49Justin Fox and Nate
22:51Kavanaugh.
22:52Who did they offend?
22:55They offended you and I,
22:56my darling.
22:57Keep going, why?
22:58They dismantled
22:59DEI and they were
23:02talking about
23:03what qualifies
23:05as DEI.
23:07And their answers
23:09were basically
23:10anything
23:11that has
23:12anything to do
23:13with anyone
23:14who is not white.
23:15Any fucking thing.
23:17It was, it was, it was
23:19a bit of a
23:20master class.
23:21Sorry, master race class.
23:24Points.
23:26Yes, Justin and Nate
23:27offended former
23:28government employees
23:29by working for Doge
23:31and getting a lot
23:32of people fired.
23:33Now, Doge
23:34is back in the news
23:35thanks to this.
23:36Former employees
23:37of Elon Musk's
23:38Department of Government
23:39Efficiency
23:40in the hot seat tonight.
23:41Deposition videos
23:42from January
23:43tied to a civil lawsuit
23:44going viral online.
23:46Former Doge staffer
23:48Nathan Kavanaugh there
23:49looked like he just
23:50got his first
23:50couple pubic hairs.
23:53It's always a special day.
23:55You remember that
23:55first two, three pubic hairs?
23:57Still waiting.
24:00This is the guy
24:01who weighed in
24:02on how the government
24:03was spending his money.
24:04He was a staffer
24:05at Doge.
24:06How did Nathan decide
24:07what was and wasn't
24:09DEI?
24:10He played roulette
24:11in whatever came up black.
24:13Nathan said he made
24:14personal judgment calls
24:16on what was and wasn't
24:17DEI and lawyers
24:19then asked him
24:20if that even made sense.
24:22Do you think it's
24:23inappropriate in any way
24:24that someone in their
24:2620s with no experience
24:28with grants
24:29for federal government
24:30was making personal
24:31judgment calls
24:32about what grants
24:33to cancel?
24:35No, I don't think
24:36it's inappropriate.
24:39Why not?
24:40I think
24:43a person can have
24:44enough judgment
24:45from reading books.
24:47What books would you
24:48have read that would have
24:48informed your opinion
24:49on what grants to cancel
24:50based on DEI?
24:51There were no books.
24:57But I know what DEI is.
24:59I am aware.
25:00I understand how to
25:01detect DEI.
25:02I watched two episodes
25:03of Martin and two episodes
25:04of Frasier.
25:06Frasier?
25:06White Frasier.
25:08That's like the whitest
25:09show.
25:10You got to have
25:11a control.
25:13You watch Frasier
25:14to understand the whiteness
25:15and then you move
25:16over to Martin.
25:18It turns out, though,
25:19they weren't using books
25:20to inform their cuts
25:21over at Doge.
25:22What did they base
25:24their cuts on?
25:25I feel like they
25:26used ChatGPT.
25:28What?
25:29Oh, no.
25:30Survey says...
25:32Fox said he used
25:33ChatGPT to help identify
25:35and eliminate DEI programs.
25:37I don't like the word
25:38eliminate there.
25:39This meant, for example,
25:40that Doge canceled
25:41a grant for a museum's
25:43new HVAC system
25:44because ChatGPT
25:45mistakenly flagged it
25:47as DEI.
25:49Panel, do you think
25:51Kavanaugh regrets
25:51that people lost
25:53their jobs because of him?
25:55No.
25:56I think he regrets
25:57not having a top
25:59or a bottom lip.
26:02No, he does not
26:03regret it.
26:04Check it out.
26:05You don't regret
26:05that people might have
26:06lost...
26:08important income
26:08to support their lives.
26:12No.
26:12I think it was more
26:13important to reduce
26:14the federal deficit
26:15from $2 trillion
26:16to close to zero.
26:17Did you reduce
26:18the federal deficit?
26:20No, we didn't.
26:21Where's Rand Paul's
26:22neighbor when you need him?
26:25But despite not
26:26accomplishing anything,
26:27Nathan still has fans.
26:29Question.
26:30Who's still a fan
26:31of old Nate Dogg
26:32out there in the world?
26:34Jake Paul.
26:35Power Boys.
26:36Kid Rock.
26:37Nick Fuentes.
26:39Frasier from Frasier.
26:41Don't put this
26:42on Kelsey Grammar.
26:43Don't you do that
26:44to Kelsey Grammar.
26:45Boy, you better
26:45Google Kelsey Grammar.
26:49Google it.
26:50No.
26:50Yes.
26:51Yeah.
26:51He's...
26:52The dog is, too.
26:53That's the crazy one.
26:56It is Elon Musk
26:57who's still a fan
26:58of Nate Kavanaugh.
26:59Elon posted a clip
27:00of Nathan and said
27:01it was, quote,
27:04legendarily based.
27:05First off,
27:06don't talk like that,
27:07Elon.
27:08Elon Musk makes me
27:09wish Mandela
27:10was meaner to the whites
27:11when he got out of prison.
27:14He's all like,
27:15truth and reconciliation.
27:16Truth and reconciliation.
27:18This is what happened.
27:20That was a friend of me,
27:21though.
27:34Welcome back.
27:35It is time
27:36for Missing Words.
27:39Here's your headline.
27:41This innovative Chinese robot
27:43can make you a blank.
27:45A star.
27:48Can make you
27:49a delicious breakfast,
27:51but then 10 minutes later,
27:52you're hungry again.
27:53Oh.
27:55It rhymes with star, Amber.
27:56I'll give you that.
27:57It can make you a car.
27:59It can make you go far.
28:01It can open your jar.
28:03This innovative Chinese robot
28:05can make you a centaur.
28:07I'm sorry, what?
28:08Yes, a centaur.
28:10Don't act like y'all
28:10don't know about the horse.
28:11Change the bottom of my body
28:13to a horse body?
28:14The centaur.
28:15You know, you got the horse.
28:16You got the horse booty.
28:17You got the foreland.
28:18That's what I'm saying.
28:19Yeah.
28:19On the bottom, yeah.
28:20I'm me.
28:21The bottom is pony.
28:22Okay, yeah.
28:23I thought you just meant
28:24the two-leg centaur,
28:25like the pupit.
28:26Oh, no, no, no, no.
28:27That would be ridiculous.
28:32In a new paper published
28:34by the International Journal
28:35of Robotics Research,
28:36a team of Chinese engineers
28:37say that their proposed
28:39human centaur system
28:40helps with weight distribution
28:42for people who have
28:43to carry heavy things.
28:44And let's just see it
28:45in action first.
28:52Do you need to get, like,
28:54a special centaur lock
28:56for when you park it outside,
28:58you know, and you don't want
28:59your centaur to get stolen?
29:01Yeah.
29:02First off,
29:03you're not going to take
29:04your centaur
29:04and lock it up outside.
29:06You're going to take
29:06that centaur inside
29:09because this thing
29:10takes the stairs.
29:18That's going to get you killed.
29:22Does anyone know why
29:23a San Jose robot
29:24made headlines this week?
29:26I think one of those
29:27Waymo delivery cubes
29:30ran over a duck.
29:34Okay.
29:35The robot in San Jose
29:36made headlines
29:37because he wouldn't stop dancing
29:39while he trashed
29:40a restaurant.
29:41Oh.
29:43The staff tried their best
29:44to get the employee
29:45under control.
29:49Oh!
29:59The last time I did that,
30:00I kept saying,
30:00I'm good.
30:01I'm good.
30:03Here's your headline.
30:04Judge dismisses lawsuit
30:05from diner
30:06who claimed blank.
30:08who claimed
30:09that that hair
30:10was yours.
30:14Judge dismisses lawsuit
30:15from diner
30:16who claimed
30:17taco shop salsa
30:18was too spicy.
30:19Oh.
30:21Ah, yes.
30:22Not everybody's built
30:23to live miles.
30:26Is there any indication
30:27if the person
30:28who did the suing
30:29was white?
30:31Do I recall
30:32that that person
30:32was from, like,
30:33Switzerland
30:33or something like that?
30:34Germany.
30:36After trying the green salsa
30:38at Los Tacos No. 1,
30:39a Times Square taco spot
30:40in 2024,
30:42German tourists
30:43said he suffered, quote,
30:44severe physical symptoms.
30:47Here's the story.
30:49According to the complaint,
30:50Faisal Mons
30:51said his tongue burned
30:52and his blood pressure
30:54soared
30:54after eating
30:55the green salsa.
30:57The judge, though,
30:58dismissed the claim,
30:59saying Mons
31:00never inquired
31:01about the salsa
31:02before eating it.
31:03The restaurant argued
31:04salsa is often spicy.
31:08We've been tourists
31:10in other countries
31:10and you be watching
31:11other people,
31:11how they do their shit,
31:12but, okay, I'm...
31:13It's Germany,
31:14it's not Mars.
31:16After the tourist
31:17told a reporter
31:18to try the dangerous salsa
31:20for himself,
31:21the reporter found,
31:22quote,
31:23the salsa was just...
31:25wasn't that spicy.
31:27Oh, yes.
31:29Probably a Latino reporter,
31:30Denise Habanero.
31:33The salsa suit
31:34was one of three
31:36separate lawsuits
31:38the man filed
31:39against New York
31:39area businesses
31:40after his six-day visit.
31:43Mr. Mons
31:44also sued
31:44a New Jersey Walmart
31:45for discrimination.
31:47Who's the third group
31:48that he sued?
31:49Black people.
31:51No, this is
31:52an official organization
31:54that has a defined...
31:54NAACP.
31:58FDNY.
31:59He also sued
32:00the NYPD.
32:02Oh, oh, oh.
32:03Mr. Mons sued
32:04the NYPD
32:04for $10 million
32:05after he says
32:06he tried to report
32:07a crime
32:07and police failed
32:09to respond
32:09to his 911 call
32:11in a timely manner.
32:13Was the crime
32:14that the salsa
32:14was too spicy?
32:16I've never been
32:18pro-police brutality
32:19until this story.
32:22That's Missing Words.
32:23More after the break.
32:35Welcome back.
32:36It's time for
32:38Meet in the Middle
32:39where we find
32:39common ground
32:40between two different people.
32:42All right.
32:43On one side,
32:44we have John Fetterman,
32:45Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
32:46Mark Levin,
32:47and Hugh Hefner.
32:49And on the other side,
32:50there's Katie Britt,
32:51Nellie,
32:52Secretary of Veteran Affairs
32:53Doug Collins,
32:54and Winnie the Pooh.
32:56First up,
32:57we've got
32:57Insane Brown Posse.
32:59Which two of these people
33:00worked for UPS?
33:02Team Michael.
33:03So, John Fetterman.
33:04He still looks like
33:05he works for UPS.
33:06Definitely John Fetterman.
33:08And...
33:09Katie Britt?
33:10Yep.
33:11Okay.
33:11We're gonna go
33:11Fetterman and Katie Britt.
33:12Okay.
33:13Fetterman's big enough
33:14to carry
33:15multiple packages.
33:16He's like
33:17Frankenstein.
33:18He could do it.
33:20Yep.
33:21John Fetterman and Nellie
33:22both worked for UPS.
33:26John Fetterman posted
33:27this throwback pic
33:28of him driving
33:29a UPS truck
33:30back in the day.
33:31Oh, my God.
33:33What happened?
33:35Why is his body
33:37so big
33:37and his head
33:38is so small?
33:40So,
33:41Fetterman worked for UPS,
33:42as did Nellie.
33:44My first job
33:45that actually
33:46paid better
33:47was UPS,
33:48and that's the one
33:49I like to say
33:49I took pride in
33:50because, you know,
33:51that was like
33:52nine bucks an hour.
33:53I thought I was the man.
33:54Yeah.
33:55That's a lot.
33:57All right.
33:58Let's do
33:58We're Here,
33:59We're Cheer,
34:01Get Used To It.
34:02Which two of these people
34:03were high school
34:04cheerleaders,
34:05Team Amber?
34:06Well,
34:07Hefner probably was.
34:08It's possible.
34:09And I would say
34:11girl lady.
34:12Yeah.
34:13Yeah, I agree.
34:14I want to say
34:15Doug Collins.
34:16Great.
34:16Doug Collins on the right.
34:17And I like the idea
34:18of Mark Levin
34:20in a little skirt
34:21so much
34:22that I want to go
34:23with Mark Levin.
34:23I don't need to know that.
34:26Ruth Bader Ginsburg
34:27and Katie Britt
34:29were high school
34:30cheerleaders.
34:31RPG.
34:32And according to
34:33her yearbook
34:33from James Madison
34:34High School
34:34in Brooklyn,
34:36Justice Ginsburg
34:37was a member
34:38of the Twirlers.
34:40Oh.
34:41Yeah,
34:41she was in the Twirlers
34:42for just a little
34:44too long
34:44and people were like,
34:45shouldn't you
34:45stop twirling?
34:46And she was like,
34:47nah,
34:48I'm going to keep
34:49twirling.
34:49But yeah,
34:50if you quit twirling
34:51now before you die,
34:52then we could get
34:52some new younger
34:53twirlers in.
34:57Next up,
34:58we've got
34:58holy scrap.
34:59Which two of these
35:00people were really,
35:02really into scrapbooking?
35:04I would say
35:04squinty guy.
35:06Okay.
35:07Glasses.
35:07Glasses left.
35:08And glasses right.
35:11For some reason,
35:13I know that Hugh Hefner
35:14in his later years
35:15was big into scrapbooking.
35:18That was a thing
35:19that he would do
35:19with his many wives.
35:21Oh.
35:21So Doug Collins
35:22and Hugh Hefner.
35:23Hugh Hefner
35:23and Secretary of Veteran Affairs
35:25Doug Collins
35:26were both into scrapbooking.
35:29Before Collins was elected
35:30to Congress in 2012,
35:31he actually owned
35:32a scrapbooking company.
35:35And Hugh Hefner
35:36was really into scrapbooking.
35:38Uh, Michael,
35:39here's a picture of Hef
35:40with the scrapbooks.
35:41Oh.
35:42There is some
35:43blackmail fodder there.
35:45Yeah, you know them pages
35:46stuck together, though.
35:46They can't get to blackmail.
35:49Kidding me.
35:50Uh, Hef had around
35:513,000 scrapbooks,
35:54but shockingly,
35:55that wasn't even
35:55his worst vice.
35:56Question.
35:57What addiction
35:58did Hugh Hefner
36:00share with rapper
36:01Fat Joe?
36:02Uh, Viagra.
36:03Metamucil?
36:05Hugh Hefner and Fat Joe
36:07were both addicted
36:08to Diet Pepsi.
36:10At his peak,
36:12Hugh Hefner was drinking
36:13up to 30 Diet Pepsis
36:16a day.
36:1730!
36:18And not only was Hugh Hefner
36:20drinking up to 30 a day,
36:22so was Fat Joe.
36:23I got a problem.
36:2530, 40 a day.
36:27Let me tell you something.
36:28If I went to the doctor,
36:30God forbid,
36:30and they tell me,
36:31yo, you have a problem
36:32due to Diet Pepsi,
36:33I got to take the shit
36:35on the chip.
36:36I got to just be like,
36:37I knew I was just doing
36:39too much with them Diet Pepsi.
36:44I feel like if your worst
36:46vices are Diet Pepsi
36:47and scrapbooking,
36:49your life is a little
36:50more boring than I thought
36:51Hugh Hefner's life was.
36:53We didn't get to Mark Levin
36:55and Winnie the Pooh,
36:56but between the rumors
36:57about Levin and Pooh's
36:58friendship with Piglet,
36:59both of them are associated
37:01with a tiny hog.
37:02More after the break.
37:11Welcome back.
37:13It's time for
37:14Which is Higher?
37:15I'll give you two
37:16unrelated numbers
37:17from the news.
37:18You tell me,
37:19which is higher?
37:21Now, St. Patrick's Day
37:22was this week,
37:23so it's the perfect time
37:25if you're at the house,
37:26kick back and re-watch
37:28the entire Leprechaun
37:29movie franchise.
37:31Oh.
37:32I rocked with Warwick Davis
37:33and the Leprechauns,
37:34which brings us
37:35to the question,
37:36which is higher?
37:37The number of films
37:39where Warwick Davis
37:40played the title role
37:42in the Leprechaun movie
37:43franchise,
37:43or the total number
37:45of Mission Impossible movies?
37:48I think it's Tom Cruise.
37:49I think it's Tom Cruise,
37:50and I've always thought that.
37:52Okay.
37:53So you think there's
37:54more Mission Impossible movies
37:55than Leprechaun movies
37:56with Warwick Davis?
37:57That's right.
37:58Okay.
37:58Team Michael.
37:59I feel like this
37:59is a trick question.
38:00I feel like,
38:01obviously there's
38:02more Mission Impossible movies,
38:03which makes me think
38:04it's actually the Leprechaun.
38:05How many Mission Impossibles
38:07do you see?
38:07Like six?
38:08Seven?
38:08There's at least eight,
38:09if not 20.
38:10I didn't know.
38:12The number of films
38:13where Warwick Davis
38:14plays the title role
38:15in the Leprechaun movie
38:16franchise is six.
38:18Ooh.
38:18And the total number
38:19of Mission Impossible movies
38:20is eight.
38:22Ah.
38:22So the number
38:23of Mission Impossible movies
38:24is indeed higher.
38:27Now, if you don't know
38:27the Leprechaun movie franchise,
38:29I know there's some young'uns
38:30in here.
38:30You watch all this new stuff
38:31on TikTok.
38:32Leprechaun is a beautiful
38:33franchise about a little
38:34evil green dude
38:35and he run around
38:36and all he want
38:37is his gold.
38:41question, which of these
38:43is a real Leprechaun movie title?
38:47Is it Leprechaun
38:48Over the Rainbow,
38:49Leprechaun vs. Gnome,
38:51or Leprechaun in the Hood?
38:52Team Michael.
38:53It's got to be Leprechaun
38:54in the Hood, right?
38:55I want it to be Leprechaun
38:56in the Hood.
38:56Someone would make that?
38:57Yes.
38:58They would make that.
38:58I had a long night
39:00and I didn't know
39:00what else to watch.
39:02And the answer
39:04is Leprechaun in the Hood.
39:08Yes, the real movie
39:09is Leprechaun in the Hood.
39:12Question,
39:13in Leprechaun in the Hood,
39:15this is just for you,
39:15all right?
39:16Nobody.
39:18In Leprechaun in the Hood,
39:19does the Leprechaun rap?
39:22I want the answer
39:24to be yes.
39:24I'm going to say yes.
39:26Yes.
39:26Damn right he does.
39:29Will you show us the rap?
39:31Okay, okay, okay.
39:31Can we watch the rap?
39:32It's fine that he raps
39:34in the movie, okay?
39:35But we aren't going
39:36to be showing that.
39:37All right?
39:39All right?
39:39We don't want,
39:40no one wants to see it.
39:41Let's just skip
39:42to flip your fucking card over
39:44and read the next thing.
39:46I can't live like this.
39:47Leprechaun raping.
39:49From the Emerald Isle
39:50to your place in the hood.
39:51I'm the man of green
39:52come to do no good.
39:53Flip in the hood
39:54come to do no good.
39:55Leprechaun.
39:57Wow.
39:59I don't like this job
40:01or the people here.
40:05That was Witch's Hire.
40:11Time for a game
40:12called Who's That Baby?
40:15All right,
40:16let's see that baby.
40:17Oh, the baby.
40:19First clue,
40:20they are not eligible
40:21to run for president.
40:22They played a kindergarten
40:23teacher in a movie
40:24and they are probably
40:26the only California governor
40:27who can bitch-press
40:28500 pounds.
40:29Wow.
40:30Gavin Newsom.
40:33It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
40:35Yes, it is
40:36Arnold Schwarzenegger.
40:38And you can...
40:38Oh, same expression.
40:40Ran out of muscle milk.
40:41Nowadays,
40:42every celebrity
40:42is selling something.
40:44They always have commercials
40:45and they're influencing us
40:46and doing endorsements.
40:48Oh, Arnold had a commercial
40:49over there
40:49out there in Japan.
40:50I'm going to show you
40:51a few seconds
40:52of an Arnold Schwarzenegger
40:54commercial
40:54and I want you all
40:56to tell me
40:56what product
40:57you think it's selling.
41:05What is that ad selling?
41:08Deodorant.
41:08The pants.
41:09Ooh.
41:11Here's what the Arnold Schwarzenegger
41:12commercial was selling.
41:23The Yen was strong.
41:26That was
41:26Who's That Baby?
41:27I want to thank our guests
41:28Harry Kondabolu
41:29and Ari Shapiro.
41:32And of course,
41:33thank you to our team
41:34captains
41:35Amber Ruffin
41:35and Michael Ian Black.
41:37Here are a few more stories
41:39we're watching.
41:40Man spoils the end
41:42of Conclave.
41:43Oh.
41:45VP dazzles crowd
41:46with an invisible bass solo.
41:50I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:51and I'll see you next week
41:52for another episode
41:52of Have I Got News For You
41:54and I'm available
41:55to be the new Bachelorette
41:58tonight.
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