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00:05As cheer coach of Hedleston Junior College, I have been confronted by many obstacles,
00:11injuries, lack of funds, pigs.
00:18But something I was unprepared for was an AI company coming in and sucking up all the
00:25water and power in that poor town.
00:30And I don't think the details of how they got there are important.
00:32And I believe if you peruse this booklet, you'll see why Hedleston is the best place for
00:35your AI data center.
00:36We're going to Hedleston!
00:39Yeah!
00:40Maybe I had a little something to do with it, but honestly, in my defense, I had no way
00:44of knowing that AI companies kill small towns by coming in and taking all the power and water
00:48for their servers.
00:49AI kills small towns, it'll take away our water and electricity.
00:55But now, there is no cheer in Hedleston, which is like the year without a Santa Claus, which
01:04is such an underrated movie.
01:05You remember?
01:06Santa doesn't feel valued, and he thinks people don't care about Christmas anymore, so he decides
01:10to sit one out.
01:12God, it gets me so emotional.
01:14Sorry.
01:14Um, the point is, this will end happily ever after, just like in the movie, and the kids
01:21are going to love it.
01:22Hey baby!
01:23Boo!
01:23Pants!
01:24Oh, my bad.
01:25Were y'all talking year without a Santa Claus?
01:28I love having Courtney home this much.
01:30I mean, I think it's the first time in as long as I can remember, which is roughly 17 years,
01:35that she's had a day off from cheer.
01:37It's taking a little getting used to, because normally she's at work with y'all during the
01:41day, so I can kind of have the run of the house, and porky-pigot whenever the mood feels
01:46right.
01:46And if I'm being honest, mood feels right a lot.
01:50Love you.
01:51Sorry.
01:52Okay, let's go.
01:53Okay, okay.
01:54Let's go.
01:55Five, six, seven, eight.
01:58Hedleston's been without water or power for two days now.
02:01First, they shut down what they called the non-essential buildings, like the police department.
02:05Well, good luck.
02:06Ah, main buttons.
02:08And the candy button factory, which, fun fact, was shut down for the first time in over two
02:11decades for non-health code reasons, and then they shut down the school, so we can't
02:16practice.
02:17Our team was finally starting to click, and AI had to come and take a giant on Hedleteam.
02:22But they do have a hotline that you can call for general information, so I'm just gonna call
02:26again and see if there's been any updates.
02:30You have reached the Hedleston General Information Hotline.
02:33If you're calling about a cattle inquiry, press 1.
02:36If you're a toddler who just wants to hear a sound, press any key.
02:39If you're calling about the citywide blackout, we're working on the problem that should
02:43be up in one to two business days.
02:45If you have information about the missing six...
02:47Okay.
02:49All right.
02:49So, I'll get my gym and my team back in as little as one business day, so I'm not worried.
02:55I'm not.
03:00Hey, baby.
03:01Hey.
03:02Gosh, do I love seeing you here when I get home.
03:04Oh.
03:04Just stopped by the school, met the new lacrosse coach.
03:07Mwah!
03:07I can already tell she's gonna be my nemesis.
03:10They're giving out these chocolate chip cookies in the lounge.
03:12There's one left.
03:13I'm clearly going for it.
03:14She snatches it out from under me.
03:16Uh-huh.
03:18Then her brassiere darn popped off, and she asked me to help put it back on.
03:23And as a thank you, invited me to her house tonight for dinner with her model friends.
03:27What?
03:28Baby, you are not listening to me.
03:29Boonie, I heard you.
03:30The lacrosse coach took your cookies, your bra popped off, and you went home with the
03:33models?
03:34I guess you're listening a little bit.
03:35I'm sorry.
03:35I'm on a text chain with the kids.
03:37You know, I've sent them a little GIFs and memes, keep their spirits up, and I feel like
03:40angry babies are always good.
03:41Oh.
03:41Can you send me that?
03:42So, right after they shut down the school, they sent all the kids home.
03:45And I offered to let them stay here, so we could continue practicing, but it turns
03:49out that with all those bunk beds, it would be a fire hazard.
03:51I don't know how kennels get away with it, and...
03:54Yes!
03:55I got another LMFAO from Steven.
03:58I hope he's okay.
04:02I am crushing it.
04:06I was a little concerned the rental place wouldn't take me back.
04:09F*** I quit.
04:10But it turns out they thought I was here the entire time?
04:14We look nothing alike.
04:16But I did get a raise, and oh, oh, check this out.
04:19Finally.
04:20Manager.
04:22Yeah.
04:23Me.
04:27Yeah, things are good.
04:28Things are good.
04:31Damn.
04:32Hotline's busy again.
04:33Baby.
04:34It has only been two days.
04:36Two days for you.
04:37But for cheerleaders, that's like two weeks.
04:40Cheerleaders are like Cats.
04:41I once read they shut down the show Cats for two weeks, and that's why it's terrible.
04:44Baby.
04:44Cats is a perfect musical.
04:46I'm not having this conversation with you again.
04:48Okay.
04:49I'm sorry, Boone.
04:50For real.
04:51Coach, you and I never get this kind of time together.
04:53Can we try to take advantage of it?
04:55Because I hate to say it, but this just seems like one of those things you cannot control.
05:02Yeah.
05:03Okay.
05:03Get over here.
05:04All right.
05:06I'm going to try to control it just one more time, though, just to be sure.
05:09Love you, bye.
05:10Love you more.
05:12So, the woman who runs the AI Data Center, her name is Jolene Tittle, and that's her office
05:17way up there at the top of the world's smallest skyscraper.
05:19Now, she used to cheer at Texas Tech, so I'm going to talk to her cheerleader to cheerleader,
05:24and I'm going to get her to move her electricity and soul-sucking company out of here so I can
05:28get my gym and my cheerleaders back.
05:31I'm not going to say soul-sucking, Beth.
05:35Hey, doll.
05:36How's the cheer going?
05:37It's not.
05:38We have no place to practice, since your soul-sucking company turned this whole town into a black hole.
05:43Dang it.
05:44Oh, that's a shame.
05:46But, unfortunately, there's nothing that my company can do about it.
05:51You know what?
05:52I don't want to talk to the executive part of you.
05:55I want to talk to the cheerleader inside you.
05:56Because I guarantee underneath that $100 blouse is $200, $250.
06:03Dang.
06:04Whatever you paid for that gorgeous blouse, underneath is a heart that beats an eight-count.
06:10I'm not a cheerleader anymore.
06:12I'm a grown-up CTO.
06:14I put you in my pyramid.
06:15I saw what that meant to you.
06:17That is why I came to this town.
06:20So, um, maybe you should blame yourself.
06:22I'm not the one whose soul-sucking company is killing the place.
06:25Are you f***ing kidding me?
06:26Courtney!
06:28Jolene, I have less than 14 weeks to get this team ready for Daytona.
06:32My kids cannot afford to be missing any practices.
06:36Courtney, that is so sad.
06:38Yeah.
06:38Let me play you the world's tiniest violin.
06:41Jolene, do not patronize me.
06:43Oh.
06:45Okay.
06:45It's not a metaphor.
06:47That's...
07:07Dang it.
07:08That's beautiful.
07:09The strings always get me.
07:10This violin is from Viennesburg, the tiny violin capital of the U.S. and the first town that my company
07:17took over.
07:18This violin reminds me never to get too emotional.
07:25You know what I just realized, Jolene?
07:27You're a mean girl.
07:28And you're gonna regret that because I have friends in hot places in this town.
07:32Nein.
07:33I would have to call in too many favors to get the A.I. company out of Hederstein.
07:38And ten...
07:40No one asked me to be in the talent show.
07:42I have talent too, you know.
07:44I said that.
07:44I said, we gotta get Augustus Schlimpf up on that stage.
07:47He's got talent too, you know.
07:50But it's toilet.
07:51Augustus, you are the only person powerful enough to fix this.
07:54It would require me to open too many channels that would attract attention.
07:58And my family does not like attention.
08:01Really?
08:02I took Schlimpf Avenue to Schlimpf Road to get to the Schlimpf Candy Button Factory today.
08:07Well, how else would you get here?
08:09The Candy Button Factory is in jeopardy here too.
08:12If the Blue Lung lawsuit taught us anything, it's to take a deep breath...
08:17...and this too shall pass.
08:19Then I'm just gonna find another way.
08:21This will not be the end of my cheer program.
08:23Wait, don't you want to know what my talent was?
08:26Honestly, I don't care.
08:49It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
08:51Danke!
08:57Oh no, boo.
08:59Hmm.
08:59I sent my cheerleaders a routine to work on, and nothing.
09:02Crickets.
09:03Nobody responded.
09:04I mean, well, Peach has sent a pic, but it was definitely not meant for this chat.
09:08I'm gonna call Chris, so I'm gonna see how her rehab's going.
09:10Yeah.
09:11One of the things I value most about myself is I'm always there for other people.
09:17Boop!
09:17Since so many are suffering in Hedletoon, I've decided to use my downtime to focus on charity.
09:24My latest venture is my dive into unemployment brand of swimwear!
09:28You may not be able to work, but you will be working it in these fabulous bikinis.
09:35Ooh, coach, this is bad.
09:37This is real bad.
09:38Crystal just sent me a voicemail, Sally left the chat, and Madonna's phone's asleep.
09:41I'll tell you what.
09:43That Pilates is working.
09:45Do you think so?
09:46Mm-hmm.
09:46I do feel...
09:47Steven responded.
09:48You can always count on it.
09:51A thumbs up.
09:52Baby, everybody knows that thumbs up means f*** you.
09:55No, it does not.
09:56Yes, it does.
09:57Oh, no.
09:57I just gave a thumbs up to my mama's new haircut.
10:02We were just making such good progress, Boonie.
10:04But no longer they're away, the harder it's gonna be to get those cheerleaders back on the map.
10:07And now they're all scattered to the wind.
10:09So it's just a matter of time before they drop out of school, huff poppers, hitchhike to burn a man.
10:12Can we ran it in just a little bit?
10:14Because even my best quarterback doesn't spiral this fast.
10:16You know what?
10:16Let's get you out of this house.
10:17Hey, you know how you're always nagging me to get a new truck?
10:20I've literally mentioned it once.
10:21Well, the nagging worked.
10:23Let's go shopping for a new truck for me.
10:25Come on.
10:25Get your mind off cheer.
10:27Oh, great idea.
10:28I know just the place.
10:31Steven Vaughn, please come to the front.
10:33You gotta be kidding me.
10:35Oh, hey, coach.
10:36Did you get a promotion?
10:37Oh, yeah.
10:38Manager.
10:39You know what's crazy?
10:40The less I do here, the more I make.
10:42Oh, so you have had time to work on the routine.
10:44Hey.
10:45Is that your ex?
10:46Absolutely not.
10:47Sorry, baby.
10:47No.
10:48It's messy.
10:49We came here to look at a new truck.
10:51So is there some kind of discount you can give us because you thought you dated my wife?
10:54Yeah, I mean, I could definitely hook you up with a used pickup truck with only about 500,000 miles
10:58on her.
10:58Do you guys mind severe damage in the rear?
11:00Nobody cares about the truck.
11:01Okay, why would we buy a truck?
11:02At a car rental place.
11:03Let me see your back tuck.
11:04Okay, time to go.
11:05Right now, Steven.
11:06Good to see you.
11:06You must be working on that routine, you hear?
11:08And you best be answering my texts, too.
11:09Acknowledge the thumbs up.
11:10His hearts are nothing.
11:12Congrats on the promotion.
11:14Bullet dodged, man.
11:15I can't believe Steven is thriving without cheater.
11:18Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:19That ham's still good.
11:20It has a smell.
11:21Good ham has good smell.
11:22It's gone.
11:23Baby, why is Steven doing well causing you to put your hands on my lunch meat?
11:27You don't get it, Boone.
11:27I'm losing him.
11:28I'm losing my team.
11:29How would you feel if you lost what you loved the most?
11:32I just did.
11:33No, I mean like your purpose, your passion in life.
11:36I seem to remember something like that happening to me.
11:43I'm sorry, Boone.
11:45Don't you ever wonder what your life would have been like if that hadn't happened?
11:48I have to believe that that hit was a sign from God, whom I did meet briefly, that this
11:53is the exact life I'm supposed to be living.
11:55And as long as that little piece of helmet in my brain doesn't move more than the millimeter,
11:59I get to wake up next to the love of my life every morning.
12:02And that is pretty darn good life right there.
12:05Boone, I love waking up next to you, too.
12:07You know that.
12:09I do also love going to work as a decorated cheer coach on her way to her fifteenth trophy.
12:13Honey, you are going to be back with your team before you know it and you will regret
12:16not taking advantage of the gift of this time.
12:19Scratch my back.
12:20How many extra hours in the day you got now that there's no cheer?
12:23Twenty-two.
12:24Alright, so there's gotta be something productive you can do with that time that does not involve
12:29you throwing away my lunch meat.
12:38Hey, baby.
12:40Hey, uh, what's happening?
12:42Well, I watched Marie Kondo because I'm trying to spark some joy in my life.
12:45So I'm just going to throw out all the stuff we don't use.
12:49This is all my stuff.
12:50But I don't use it.
12:51Okay.
12:51While you were busy trying to erase all existence of my life, I was having a heck of a day.
12:56Did you know that...
12:58What happened?
12:59Did I turn around or did the couch turn around?
13:00I've just been using my free time, like you suggested, and I would love a den.
13:04Do you think this wall is load-bearing?
13:07There's only one way to find out.
13:09Shoot!
13:09I threw out the sledgehammer and you know that brought me so much joy.
13:13Yeah, yeah.
13:13Do you remember during the pandemic, you had all those great ideas about like learning
13:16how to bake or knit or do something fun with your nails?
13:19Yeah.
13:19Do you think maybe we could try one of those less destructive things?
13:26Boone, my list is done!
13:29Booney.
13:29It grew on me.
13:31It's like I'm not supposed to see it, which makes it feel more intriguing.
13:35Uh, Crystal's sister left a box for her.
13:37Oh!
13:40Oh no.
13:42The unemployment bikini.
13:45She thinks I'm done.
13:47Even worse, she's doing things for other people now.
13:50Boone, everything is changing.
13:53Should you try it on?
14:01It's nice to see the people I'm helping face to face.
14:05There's something magical about just giving back and not advertising my brand.
14:10It almost makes me cry out my crystal smearless mascara.
14:14Medium, please.
14:15I'm all out of your size, but I think I have more in the back.
14:19My ankle doesn't hurt.
14:21I'm looking.
14:24I'm running!
14:28I'm back!
14:29I'm back!
14:30I'm back!
14:34I found it!
14:36Baby, give me that hammer.
14:37Baby, baby, give me that!
14:38Baby, no!
14:40Okay, Thor.
14:41Will you come here, please?
14:42I don't want to.
14:43Courtney, please come here.
14:45Baby, I know that this is hard for you, but what is wrong with little quality time?
14:49How's about you and I sit here on this couch and turn our heads backwards,
14:53and we watch one of your true crime murder docs.
14:56I'm gonna sleep with the lights on for a week.
14:59Boone, don't you play dirty with me.
15:01Courtney's one weakness is true crime.
15:03When I was in my coma, she sat by my side the whole time watching her murders.
15:07She actually solved three cold cases.
15:10Probably would have solved more if I didn't wake up.
15:14I'm pretty sure my neck is stuck this way.
15:18I don't like to use the word genius when talking about myself,
15:22but what else would you call me getting Courtney to watch true crime docs,
15:25to get her mind off the chair and take a much-needed mental health break?
15:28Boone, do we have milk?
15:30John of Arcadia!
15:32Hey, Courtney.
15:33Yeah?
15:33Wear your pants.
15:36Oh.
15:36I'm sorry.
15:38I have watched 17 straight hours of true crime.
15:43I think I'm depressed.
15:44Maybe it's because you watched 17 straight hours of true crime.
15:46No, that couldn't be it.
15:48That was the good part.
15:49I thought I'd put cheer in the kid's blood.
15:53But I lost him.
15:56Just like that cruise ship lost that lady.
15:58I've seen Courtney do a lot of things.
16:00She nursed me back to health.
16:02She built a deck in a day.
16:04Yesterday.
16:05I'm gonna go on back to bed.
16:07One thing I've never seen her do is give up.
16:10Courtney has always been my biggest cheerleader.
16:13I figure it's time for me to be hers.
16:18Hey, baby.
16:19I got a surprise for you.
16:20Baby, I can't right now.
16:21I'm watching my murders.
16:22I really think you're gonna like it.
16:24They just dragged this lady out of a lake.
16:26Alright, well, I'm about to drag you off this bed.
16:28No.
16:28We're going hobo knapsack style.
16:30I'm not wearing pants.
16:31Well, I got your workout sweats in the truck.
16:33Now, come here.
16:34Baby, baby, baby, wait.
16:36What? What?
16:36My candy buttons.
16:37Alright.
16:38Got it.
16:42Boone, can I open my eyes yet?
16:44No, you may not.
16:45But you can use your legs.
16:46There we go.
16:48And let's hold right here.
16:51I smell possum urine and black mold.
16:53What are we doing in my gym?
16:55Five, six, seven, eight.
16:56Roll buttons, roll!
16:58Steven?
17:04Baby, this was the routine I sent them.
17:06How did you even get them here?
17:07It was easy.
17:08Turns out they do have cheer in their blood.
17:10And you put it there.
17:11All I had to do was tell them that you needed them.
17:14Come here to me.
17:27I just gotta get you off the cage.
17:30I'm a young lover's rage.
17:31Gonna need a spark to ignite.
17:33My songs know what you did in the dark.
17:40So light em up, oh, oh.
17:42Light em up, oh, oh.
17:43Light em up, oh, oh.
17:45Light em up, oh, oh.
17:51I'm on fire!
17:52Light em up, oh!
17:54Light em up, oh, oh, oh!
17:58Light em up, oh!
18:00Light em up, oh!
18:03Light em up, oh!
18:06Light em up, oh, oh!
18:08Light em up, oh!
18:09Light em up, oh!
18:10Light em up, oh!
18:10Light em up, oh!
18:11Light em up, oh!
18:12Light em up, oh!
18:12Light em up, oh!
18:12Light em up, oh!
18:13Light em up, oh!
18:14Light em up, oh!
18:15Light em up, oh!
18:16Light em up, oh!
18:20Light em up!
18:22I'm gonna get us back yeah I don't know how but I'm gonna do it
18:26y'all come here gather around me okay y'all get a shot of me in my butt
18:34so at the end of the year without a Santa Claus Santa learns that people still do have Christmas
18:39spirit so he packs up his sleigh and he delivers presents I don't know why that gets me so much
18:47but my point is Santa's gonna make it to Daytona this year and he's gonna deliver presents
18:55I'm Santa in this situation you're gonna get the AI data center out of here
19:00and get Hefenstein up and running again you're wasting your time no I think my husband can
19:04tell you I do not waste time I was just minding my own business watching Dateline eating my candy
19:13buttons and I started noticing a pattern please rise as we try to remember the missing six
19:20so I googled the missing six and Augustus Schlimpf
19:26then I did some more research using the new AI algorithm which despite its electricity and soul
19:31sucking nature is actually so good I know it's going to ruin us but in an efficient way it is
19:35helpful I never thought I would anyway I think the people of Heidelstein are gonna find what I
19:49discovered compelling
19:50good laughing Emma it is this thumb drive directly linked the candy button factory to the missing six
19:59Hans it is Augustus code blue 42 now she has a thumb drive I was totally bluffing I just found
20:07this thumb drive in Boone's office but if true crime has taught me anything it's you don't let a
20:12lack of evidence get in the way of an accusation the AI data center out of business as for Jolene
20:22Tittle no idea but there are rumors no I did not harm Jolene how would I even do that put
20:30her in the mixing
20:30fat slowly coat her in corn syrup send her down the conveyor belt until she gathers just the right
20:36amount of sugar crystals then press her flat with the big button stamp package her up in a wax paper
20:42strip and send her off to rural Arkansas this is absurd I was able to call in some favors and
20:50have the
20:50business shut down but no she's not dead I could not be happier to get out of this hole I
20:59haven't had a
21:00vegetable in three weeks and we are officially back on the road to Daytona
21:13look at these new mats they're still a low cheerleader in me go kick ass in Daytona Jolene I mean
21:23she
21:23has her flaws but don't we all
21:36you
21:36you
21:37you
21:37you
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