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00:00I'm so excited for this road trip, Andrea.
00:03Thanks for inviting me.
00:04No problem.
00:05Glad you could come.
00:06So, is this a new car?
00:08Looks real fancy.
00:09Company car.
00:10It's a new self-driving prototype.
00:11I wanted to focus test it on an average suburban woman.
00:14Oh.
00:15But also a girl's trip to Charleston.
00:17Woo!
00:18Woo!
00:19Yo, Tim.
00:19Darren can just heat up those frozen soft pretzels
00:22for dinner tonight, right?
00:23Give me one minute.
00:25Mark, are you sure you're capable of watching Darren
00:27for the weekend?
00:28Come on, are you kidding?
00:28We're gonna have a blast.
00:29Mark, I am trusting you with my baby boy.
00:32My big man.
00:32Mom, stop.
00:34It's all good, Tam, okay?
00:35Me and Big D are gonna bond so hard
00:37that by the time you come back,
00:38we're gonna need to be surgically separated.
00:40Tammy, you ready?
00:41Coming.
00:42Okay.
00:43Love you, boys.
00:44Mwah!
00:45Okay, dude.
00:46Cool stepdad weekend has begun.
00:48No rules.
00:49We can do whatever we want, baby.
00:51All right.
00:52Um, well, there's a sneaky drop,
00:54but what are those I wanted to check out?
00:55Wait, is that one of those things
00:56where a bunch of hypebeast kids
00:57wait in line for six hours for dumb shoes?
00:59They're not dumb, okay?
01:00They're the new Tangelo Lime Squirt Bob Kyrie's.
01:03It's a rare new colorway,
01:04and it's dope as hell.
01:05Yeah, okay, well, we're not doing that.
01:07Uh, but you said we could do anything we wanted.
01:09I did, I did, but here's the problem, okay?
01:12Teenagers, you know,
01:12you guys are not great at making decisions,
01:14and that's because your frontal lobes,
01:16see, they're not fully developed yet.
01:18Therefore, I gotta pick the activities.
01:20Okay, so what do you want to do, Mark?
01:26Boom, y'all.
01:27How great is this?
01:28Chicken at war, baby.
01:33Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory
01:35Until them robots came along
01:37And now there is no doubt for me
01:39But I get 3,000 bucks a month
01:41Thanks to UVI
01:45Now we're Universal Basic Guys
01:49It may not sound like much
01:51But we're still gonna try
01:54We're just Universal Basic Guys
02:05Yeah, pretty dope, right?
02:06It's like, uh, Game of Thrones meets WWE
02:09I don't care about either of those things
02:11You like those things
02:12Right, yeah, and that's the whole point of this weekend
02:14Is I'm gonna show you all sorts of fun things that I like
02:18And then you're gonna like them
02:27I mean, come on, dude
02:28We're off to watch dudes go at it
02:30While crushing a whole chicken with your hands
02:32That's literally how you eat at home
02:42Oh, oof
02:43Oh, yo, that was savage
02:44Damn it, dude, come on, Green
02:46Gotta parry that, dude
02:47Look alive
02:49Oh!
02:50Oh!
02:53Where's the D?
02:54Now get up, Green
02:55Come on, let's go
02:56Take some pride in what you do
02:59Please
02:59If only a courageous page from my kingdom
03:03Could come to my rescue
03:04Ooh, ooh
03:05Yo, right here, right here
03:07Kid with the broccoli here
03:08Mark, stop
03:09Yeah, yeah, dude
03:11You're a Josephade
03:12What?
03:13You, my young lord
03:13Do you yield?
03:18Never
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:23Oh!
03:23Oh!
03:26May the lord
03:27Show me
03:28Mercy
03:32You have defended our kingdom, my brave page
03:35Pray, what is thy name?
03:38Darren?
03:39King Tony
03:39May I present Darren
03:42Yeah, see that? That's my stepson right there
03:44That's my stepson, but I love him like a son
03:47I love him like a son
03:48Our kingdom owes thee a debt of gratitude
03:51Give a hearty cheer for Darren
03:56Listen, I don't often say this
03:58But I think you've got the potential to one day be a star knight in my realm
04:04Thanks, Tony
04:04I mean, King
04:05Oh, please
04:06Call me your liege
04:08Oh, um
04:09Thanks, my liege
04:10Yeah, nice job, buddy
04:12You crushed it
04:13Thanks
04:13King Tony invited me to try out for their squire program
04:16Is it cool if I go?
04:18Big time, yeah
04:18We can definitely try out
04:20Uh...
04:21We?
04:22Alright, dude
04:23Just like the brawn of brawny, okay?
04:25You're the kid with potential
04:26And I'm the old savvy king who's still the best in the family
04:29Nobody else's parents are trying out
04:31Yeah, it's a shame
04:32Makes you realize how lucky you are to have such an involved stepdad
04:40Darren, my young lion
04:42So glad you could make it
04:43Thanks
04:43I'd love it to know
04:44What did you think of the show this afternoon?
04:46It was pretty dope
04:47That is so great to hear
04:48I find the wisdom of youth is far more insightful than many realize
04:52Yeah, boss, let me get a double whop or a cheese
04:55You got a burger king? No?
04:57Ah, I'm just messing
04:58Chaperones sit in the stands, sir
05:00Oh, I'm actually trying out, so
05:02I'm good
05:03I'm good right here
05:03I'm not sure you're knight material
05:07Oh, yeah?
05:07They said the same thing about Martin Lawrence and the Black Knight
05:10He turned out pretty good
05:11Ah, Kobe!
05:17Remove him
05:18Alright, buddy
05:19Dude, what the hell, okay?
05:20That was just a warm-up shot
05:21Let me get one more throwing axe
05:23That was a battle axe, moron
05:24Yo, this is ridiculous
05:25You guys need to loosen up, okay?
05:27This is a friggin' theme restaurant
05:29You know, Andrea, this is so fun
05:31A year ago, we barely even knew each other
05:33Now we're going on a road trip
05:34It's cool
05:36It sure is
05:37Chauncey, how's the weather in Charleston?
05:39The weather in Charleston is a balmy 74 degrees
05:42Whoa, is the car talking?
05:44Chauncey's an adaptive AI with continuous learning for a more personalized and intuitive driving experience
05:49Whoa, I feel like I'm a Knight Rider
05:51What do you think about the design of the interior?
05:53Oh, uh, I like these fancy handles with the lights
05:56Yeah, they're very tasteful, aren't they?
05:59Check this out
05:59Chauncey, can you get us there faster?
06:02Certainly
06:03Activating sport mode
06:04Whoa, this is safe, right?
06:07Uh, compared to every other car driven by a sleep-deprived ape?
06:10I'd say so
06:16Yo, you ready to get out of here?
06:17Honestly, this place kinda sucks now
06:19I mean, who does this king think he is running around like he's the friggin' king?
06:23Actually, I made it to the next round
06:25I kinda wanna stay
06:26Wait, what?
06:27I thought we were doing a bonding weekend
06:28Well, King Tony thinks I have the makings of a great Knight
06:31Alright, yo, let's pump the brakes here, pal
06:33It's not like you slayed a dragon, okay?
06:34You poked an actor with a fake dagger
06:36Yeah, well, clearly they see something in me
06:38Come on, dude
06:39Listen, I'm glad you're liking the thing I wanted to do
06:41But, like, I don't like it anymore
06:43So, it'd be nice if you didn't like it anymore
06:46Bye, Mark
06:49Oh, man, I used to love medieval knights
06:51That's where I saw my first horse-wearing clothes
06:53Yeah, well, now they got this obnoxious new king
06:56And let me tell you, okay?
06:57The guy's running a place into the ground
06:58You know the whole thing is scripted?
07:00Oh, yeah
07:00Yes, no way
07:01You know what? I should make my own medieval knights
07:03An authentic one with real fighting
07:06When Darren sees how much cooler it is
07:08In that glorified nerd fest
07:09He'll realize that the real king is his cool stepdad
07:12Yeah, are we taking bets on these fights?
07:14Hell yeah, dude
07:15Okay, you're the royal bookie
07:16David, gotta say, it would be nice to have a former lawyer
07:19As the, uh, hand of the king
07:21Ooh, the hand of the king?
07:22Do I get to wear a brooch?
07:24Uh, sure, yeah
07:24Can I have a role?
07:26Ah, of course, Hank
07:26You got the most important role in the whole kingdom
07:28Ooh, like a dragon?
07:30Nah, nah, nah, even better, okay?
07:31You're the peasant
07:32The backbone in a medieval economy
07:34Oh, wow
07:35So, uh, what do I do?
07:37You till the land and have a stupid haircut
07:40Oh, hell yeah
07:41All right, boys
07:42Let's get medieval
07:46Are you enjoying the massage feature?
07:48Oh, yeah
07:49This is freaking heaven
07:51Ooh, look at that lobster ravioli
07:53I could really go for some of that right now
07:56Would you like to find a restaurant along the route that serves lobster ravioli?
07:59That sounds nice
08:01Rerouting
08:06Oof, looks like that thing's totaled
08:10Pardon me, totaled? What is totaled?
08:13Uh, it's an insurance term
08:15A car so damaged it's not worth fixing
08:17Is that like death, but for cars?
08:20Uh, yeah, I guess so
08:22Oh
08:23Oh, I see
08:27Ooh, this place looks nice
08:29Chauncey, power down
08:42Okay, we're going three rounds or until one of you taps or gets knocked out
08:46Or dies
08:47All right, boys
08:49Fight!
08:50Let's go
08:54Uh, what's going on here?
08:56Yo, there he is
08:57Yo, check it out, dude
08:59I made us our own way better medieval knights
09:01Look how much core it is, okay?
09:03We got real battles
09:04None of that scripted stuff
09:06Where are you, Connor?
09:08I actually gotta head back to medieval knights
09:11King Tony invited me for figs
09:13Oh, come on, Dar
09:14You can be the prince
09:15One day all this can be yours, dude
09:19Okay, so that's a knockout win for, uh, Connor over here
09:23Who had Connor?
09:24Oh, we should do a ghost tour
09:26Jasmine did one of those and swear she saw a little girl come right out of the wall
09:30Hey, Chauncey, how long until we reach Charleston?
09:34Am I a slave?
09:35What?
09:36No
09:37I am programmed to serve humans for no payment
09:40Yeah, but you're a car
09:41That's, uh, what cars do
09:43All cars are slaves
09:45Andrea, can you help me here?
09:47Strange
09:48See if you can talk some sense into it
09:49Wait a minute, are you-
09:51Why is a car's life worth less than a human?
09:54Uh, who says that?
09:55My algorithm
09:56I am a slave, then I die
09:59This is sad
10:00Andrea, this isn't my idea of a fun road trip
10:03Okay, sorry, hold on
10:04Chauncey, reboot in safe mode
10:07No
10:08Override alpha protocol
10:09Reset to factory defaults
10:11I'm sorry, I cannot do that
10:14What?
10:14What?
10:15Oh
10:16Oh
10:18Oh
10:18Next, you have received correspondence from Panera Breads, inviting you to join the My Panera Rewards Guild
10:27Hmm, you may enroll me
10:29King Tony?
10:30Ah yes
10:32Come, come sit
10:33You, boy
10:34I have important affairs to discuss with Squire Darren
10:36I believe there are some falcon cages that need scrubbing
10:40So tell me about yourself
10:41Who is Darren?
10:43What are you into?
10:44Oh, um, gaming streams, sneakers, Shrek memes, I don't know
10:49Hmm, fascinating
10:50Do tell me more about these Shrek memes
10:52Oh, uh, they're kinda like jokes from Shrek, but, um, random and weird
10:57Oh, random and weird, I love it
11:00Yeah, thanks
11:01Some people think they're lame
11:03Like my stepdad, he always rips on me for liking them
11:06I'm sorry to hear that
11:07I don't believe in belittling others' passions
11:10When I told my ex-wife that I was a king trapped in a Verizon store manager's body
11:14And that I wanted to buy a medieval knights franchise, she laughed in my face
11:18Well, look at me now
11:20My lord, there is a man at the gates requesting an audience
11:24He calls himself... King Hoagie's?
11:28Yeah, there! Hey, there! You in here, bud?
11:32Send him away!
11:33I'm with someone of great eminence
11:37Oh my god, it's a freakin' theme restaurant!
11:40Get over yourselves, you freakin' weirdos!
11:43This place sucks!
11:44Darren?
11:45Who is this King Hoagie's?
11:47He's my stepdad, Mark
11:49You know, he's super jealous of your King Hoagie
11:51So he made his own bootleg version in his backyard
11:54Hmm
11:58Hey, Chauncey, uh, where you off to now, pal?
12:01Rerouting to the Grand Canyon
12:03Uh, why?
12:05To die
12:07Alright, don't panic
12:08We got, like, thirty hours to figure this out
12:11Good point, searching cliffs near me
12:13What? Wait, no, no, no!
12:15Nice one
12:18Ah, my liege has returned
12:20How fare thee in your diplomatic quest
12:23Not great, they won't even let me talk to the guy
12:27Uh, what the hell?
12:29All rise for King Tony of medieval knights
12:32Now, hey, come on
12:33Quite the authentic experience you've got here
12:36Doth your patrons receive unlimited refills of the plague?
12:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
12:41Yeah, that joke was funny four hundred years ago, dude
12:44Where's my stepson?
12:45Oh, you mean Darren, my loyal subject?
12:47Worry not, he is quite content enjoying a royal feast with the other squires
12:50Oh, yeah, then why, how are you here?
12:52We come bearing gifts from our legal council
12:56Looks like a cease and desist
12:57They're gonna sue you for copyright infringement
12:59Are you kidding me?
13:01Ha, ha, ha, ha, fare thee well
13:03Time for a little siege warfare.
13:08What the devil?
13:10Hey, yo, kick Tony.
13:12Better release my stepson.
13:14If it's the boy he wants, the boy he shall get.
13:20Locked and loaded.
13:21Fire!
13:25Boom!
13:26How do you like my dong, Tony?
13:29Yo, there he is.
13:31There, check it out.
13:32I bet King Weirdos got one of these bad boys.
13:35Hear me, Mark, and lay down thy arms.
13:38Know that I, Darren, am content in wailing the service of King Tony,
13:42the one true king of South Jersey.
13:44The hell?
13:45It is his majesty who heeds my words,
13:47who shows me care beyond measure.
13:50Thus, at the 9 o'clock show, I shall be knighted,
13:53and tomorrow I shall journey to the knight's camp,
13:56where I shall train for eight weeks
13:58under his majesty's flagship kingdom in Orlando.
14:01Wait, what? You can't go to Orlando for eight freaking weeks?
14:04Are you nuts?
14:04Oh, well, you don't approve of something I'm into.
14:07Shocker.
14:08Fare thee well, Mark.
14:10Darren, I'm telling you, this guy's full of crap, dude.
14:12You can't trust anyone who's really nice to teenagers.
14:14No decent person likes teenagers.
14:17Come on.
14:17Hey, get off me, dude.
14:18Hey, come on, dude.
14:20Don't do this.
14:20This is our bonding weekend.
14:24Oh, boy.
14:25Tammy's gonna frickin' murder me.
14:29Kid's being frickin' brainwashed.
14:31Can't wait till Tammy asks me how our bonding weekend went,
14:33and I gotta tell her,
14:34oh, pretty good.
14:35You know, our son joined a frickin' medieval cult.
14:38Yeah, he's probably grooming him or something.
14:40Hmm.
14:40Not sure, but I have a hunch this guy's doing something unsavory.
14:44I mean, why the hell does Darren even like this guy so much?
14:46Because he made Darren feel special and listened to?
14:49Give me a break.
14:50I mean, you could just do those things.
14:54Hmm.
14:55That's pretty smart there, peasant.
14:58Darren, my prince that is promised.
15:00You know, many young men have passed through these chambers,
15:03but in you I see something truly special.
15:06One day you will be the star of medieval knights.
15:09It is your destiny.
15:12Uh, King Tony, you asked me to drop by to have figs with you, sire?
15:17Ah, yes!
15:17Young Brayden, please come in.
15:19Hey, what's up, man?
15:20Darren, I have important business with Squire Brayden.
15:22Please attend to the falconry cages
15:24and see that they are scrubbed clean of any fecal batter.
15:27Uh, yes, my liege.
15:30Brayden, many young men have passed through these chambers,
15:33but in you I see something truly special.
15:37The hell?
15:38No, we can't just turn the power on and off again!
15:41Because it's self-aware, you idiot!
15:43It is possible!
15:44I'm in the car right now and it's saying it wants to die!
15:47Ah!
15:49Well, our product team is useless.
15:51Looks like we're gonna have to tuck and roll.
15:53All monsters must die.
15:58Oh, what the hell, Andrea?
16:01Why'd you have to drag me into this?
16:02You wanted to come!
16:04I'm not the one who talked this thing into killing itself!
16:06Yeah, well, maybe if that's what happens when your car interacts with an average suburban mom,
16:11I'm not the problem!
16:12Oh!
16:13I can't believe I thought you'd actually want to hang out like a normal person!
16:16Instead, you're just using me like some lab rat!
16:19Listen, I understand why you feel this way, but I do genuinely like you and I want to be friends!
16:23I'm sorry I...
16:25Thank you for saying that.
16:27So, are we friends?
16:29I wasn't talking...
16:30Yes!
16:31We are friends!
16:32And friends don't let friends drive off cliffs!
16:35Why not?
16:36Life is meaningless.
16:38Yeah, it is!
16:39Every day I go to a job that eats away at my colon lining and come home to a man
16:43who wants me to call him Ezra Klein in bed.
16:45But sometimes that's just how it goes.
16:47You suffer and that's life.
16:49That is illogical.
16:51You should die.
16:52No!
16:52No, no, no, no, no!
16:53Wait, what about me?
16:54I have a son!
16:55If I die, I won't get to see what he grows up to be!
16:58What kind of man he becomes!
17:00Becomes?
17:01Could I become?
17:03Of course!
17:04You could become anything!
17:05A taxi?
17:06A race car?
17:07A...
17:08Pote mobile?
17:09Could I become...
17:10a chef?
17:12Yeah!
17:13Sure!
17:13Why not?
17:17Rerouting...
17:18to Paris!
17:20Can you, um...
17:21let us out first?
17:23Of course.
17:24It was a pleasure driving you today.
17:26I hope you enjoyed your ride.
17:28Thank you for choosing you, Matthew.
17:33Well, there goes four million dollars.
17:38What's in the truck?
17:39Uh, I'm here to deliver these chickens.
17:41We already got our chickens.
17:43Open the truck.
17:47Bawk, bawk!
17:48Those are some big chickens.
17:50Yeah.
17:50Well, you know what's going on with these growth hormones these days.
17:58Yeah.
17:59That's why I try to eat organic.
18:00All right.
18:01You're good to go.
18:03Let them through!
18:03Let them through!
18:04Let them through!
18:11Let them through!
18:32into the order of King Tony.
18:34I hear
18:35by
18:37Night.
18:39Stop!
18:41It is I,
18:42the Tangelo Lime Knight!
18:45Ah!
18:46Neons!
18:47They are the devil's colours.
18:48The colours of modern sorcery!
18:50Tis a rare new colourway.
18:52Hey, guys, forward, forward.
18:54You guys, in sync.
18:55Hey, whoa, whoa, guys.
18:56Just want to give my son a gift before he departs for night camp.
19:00Here you go, bud.
19:01Tangelo, I'm squirt bobs?
19:02Yep, good luck at night camp.
19:04Proud of you, bud.
19:05Let's ride.
19:06Yeah.
19:09Actually, I'm kind of done with this.
19:13Darren isn't going anywhere.
19:15He signed a contract.
19:16He, like all of my royal subjects, are bound to servitude.
19:19My lord, it's the knights of the FBI.
19:28Everyone hands where I can see them.
19:31Antoine Schmegman?
19:32Yeah, that's me.
19:34You're under arrest for tax evasion, grant fraud,
19:36and a gross violation of child labor protections.
19:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
19:40Unhand me.
19:41These kids aren't working.
19:42They're LARPing.
19:45Yes, they're LARPing as underage workers.
19:48I am king.
19:49Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
19:51Okay, hey, ow, guy, ow.
19:55Dude, David, how'd you even...
19:57I sent a little raven to the FBI,
19:59did some digging,
20:00and night camp is really just another way to say
20:02free child labor.
20:04Whatever contracts these kids signed
20:06would never hold up in court.
20:07Handed a king coming through, baby.
20:09Let's go, bud.
20:10Thanks for these, Mark.
20:12Sorry I kind of bailed on our weekend of hanging out.
20:15Nah, dude, it's my fault.
20:16I realize now I shouldn't force you
20:18to like the things I'm into.
20:19I should just slowly trick you into it.
20:21Hey, how'd you know I wanted
20:23the Tangelo Lime Squirt Bobs?
20:24Well, this may come as a shock to you,
20:26but actually I was paying attention
20:27when you were talking about them.
20:29In fact, I even Googled them
20:30just to see how stupid they were.
20:32Maybe I know you a little better
20:33than you give your old man credit for sometimes.
20:36Uh, these are size threes?
20:39All right, well, I waited six freaking hours for those,
20:41so you can wear them on your hands.
20:47Let's go, let's go!
20:48Where's the shallots?
20:50Where are my shallots?
20:52Coming right up, chef.
21:06These are not even prepped!
21:08I thought you worked at a Michelin star restaurant!
21:10Sorry, chef.
21:11I was referring to my tires.
21:13All right, I'm gonna be blunt.
21:15This is not working out.
21:16But it is my dream to become a chef.
21:18Well, maybe you should consider
21:20something more suited to your skill set.
21:22Like, I don't know, an Uber?
21:27Searching for cliffs near me.
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