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00:06In New York City's Storied Underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:12I think that it would be bad if you gave kids drugs at school.
00:16No, that's a good idea. We should give them drugs. That sounds great.
00:21Our mission? To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:25Our secondary mission? Restoring American democracy.
00:30Because in just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against the political establishment.
00:35But these aren't just any abolitionists.
00:37They were chosen by you, the people, to redeem themselves after they were cruelly cheated of their previous victory by
00:45a different group of you, the people.
00:47Anyway, they have one more chance to win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and
00:53receive an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
00:56But to do it, their fate will once again be in the hands of the crowd behind this curtain.
01:02This is restorative justice.
01:05This is the height of absolution.
01:09This is Abolish Everything.
01:20Tonight's abolitionists.
01:23Elyse Morales.
01:25Matthew Kroll.
01:27Adam Chase.
01:29And Ben Doyle.
01:38Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything.
01:40I'm your host, Chandler D.
01:44Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment.
01:54Rachel Kostor.
01:57Josh Nassar.
02:00Brielle Demergen.
02:03And Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
02:08Look at these people.
02:10This is what happens when you spend a collective $1.2 million on theater school tuition.
02:16Now, this is a very special episode because tonight's show features four abolitionists who did not win in Season 1
02:22but got voted back by the Nebula audience for one more shot to make it in our Season 2 finale.
02:27All will be revealed soon, right after I deliver this evening's first testimony.
02:31Are you ready to Abolish Everything?
02:36Then, without further ado, my time starts now.
02:41My friends, I subscribe to the revolutionary belief that sometimes you can have a thought cross your mind and then
02:47not share it with the entire planet.
02:50Unfortunately, based on my algorithm, I'm the only person on Earth with this opinion.
03:02That is why we need to Abolish Reviewing Things Online.
03:11Why do we need over 4,000 customer testimonies for a paperclip?
03:19That's how you get such valuable insights as, we needed them for work, they are paperclips.
03:27Even better are the reviews for bottled water.
03:31Over 19,000 reviews.
03:34And they're all like this.
03:35Title of review, water.
03:38Body of review, water always good to have in the house.
03:43Okay, Linda Ford, if water's so good to have in the house, how come you only gave it four stars?
03:52Meanwhile, Cammie went too far in the other direction.
03:56Came fast.
03:57Okay, the water can't be that good.
04:00When are we going to rid ourselves of all of this plastic?
04:04I don't know.
04:05Maybe when you stop buying 40 bottles at a time?
04:10So clearly, people already have plenty of motivation to leave online reviews, and yet, strangely, the platforms offer further incentive.
04:18Recently, I noticed my local Chinese restaurant didn't have a menu on Google Maps.
04:22So, I took a picture and uploaded one, because I believe in community and mutual aid.
04:31It was not meant to be earnest.
04:35Google must agree with me, because after uploading that photo, I received 10 points.
04:46Now, in the context of Google Maps, what does it mean to get 10 points?
04:54I found out on the next stream, only one review to go to reach level two.
04:59What happens at level two when it's lunchtime and I search Mediterranean?
05:06Will I finally see results for Mediterranean restaurants instead of getting directions to, and this is what happens every fucking
05:13time, the Mediterranean Sea.
05:17Which, by the way, also has reviews.
05:25And it's not just Google reviews.
05:27Across all online reviews, there is an epidemic of gamification.
05:31Just look at this example my wife sent me from Amazon.
05:35Rate six more products, and we'll tell you a joke.
05:38Cute.
05:40Carolina followed up with a good question.
05:46He's my best friend.
05:48Really, there's one counter-argument I'm sympathetic to.
05:52Chandler, what if a restaurant has health code violations, and people want to protect other patrons from it?
05:58I'll just say this.
05:59One time a friend of mine, we'll call him Josh Nassar.
06:08Had to skip an improv practice, because he thought he had norovirus.
06:12Turns out it was actually food poisoning, because, quote,
06:16I bought food from a place that the reviews said do not buy food there.
06:24Online reviews are a waste of time.
06:27They're another source of gamified internet addiction,
06:30and even when they have useful information, the public does not heed it.
06:34So, abolish reviewing things online, I yield my trust.
06:40The political establishment will have the opportunity to rebut me, and their time starts now.
06:46I disagree!
06:48I was watching a hypnosis video the other night about developing self-confidence.
06:54Not that I need it, just doing oppo research.
06:58And a guy in the comments said,
07:00this gave me more confidence than anything in the entire world.
07:03I feel like Superman today.
07:05Everyone is smiling at me.
07:07So, eat it, bitch.
07:10I feel like you can't do this, because doing reviews for other people, right,
07:14it's for their benefit, that's like a part of humanity.
07:17To take that away would be to take away someone's ability to turn their mistake into a good deed.
07:23Online reviews are a wonderful way to globally connect us in that way.
07:27If you take that away, you're losing out on the ability for humans to connect,
07:31and for them to tell each other,
07:33hey, learn from my mistake, because otherwise, then we're making mistakes for no reason.
07:36Great.
07:38Brielle, humanity existed before 1990.
07:42And in that time, many reviews were conducted not online.
07:47I would encourage us to continue to do this.
07:49We can write things down, we can talk to each other, we can get on the phone,
07:52we can spread word about it.
07:54That's fucking crazy!
07:55You want us to talk to each other?
07:58Yeah!
07:59You're anti-free speech, but you want me to go outside
08:02and talk to a neighbor, someone I've seen in real life?
08:06I'm not anti-free speech, because I don't want...
08:08You are! You don't want me to talk online,
08:09the place where I feel most comfortable to express the sorts of opinions I have.
08:14I guess, you know, I just think that if you spent a little bit less time expressing yourself online,
08:19then maybe you wouldn't be exactly the way that you are.
08:22My wafer is a good thing.
08:24Uh, yes. Please.
08:26This is my rebuttal!
08:29Um...
08:30I'm sorry?
08:31My name is Chandler Dean.
08:36Um...
08:37When I hang out with my wife, Carolina,
08:40um...
08:41I care about her review on, uh, foods from Texas, where we're from.
08:46Okay.
08:47I want, uh, people to hear her review.
08:50Josh?
08:53And that's time!
08:55No, it's not time.
08:56It's not time.
08:58I do not know...
08:59You are not Chandler!
09:00That's time!
09:00I don't know!
09:01Chandler said that's time!
09:03I think that's time!
09:04Let me say this.
09:06Josh called me.
09:07He said,
09:07Dude, I'm gonna be you on the show.
09:08I got a blonde wig.
09:12Then I saw him later that day.
09:13He said,
09:14You're not blonde.
09:17Wait.
09:17Chandler.
09:18Yo.
09:18Why did you leak text with my wife?
09:22I am Chandler.
09:23Chandler, why are you texting Chandler's wife?
09:26Chandler.
09:27Be honest.
09:27I am Chandler.
09:29I'm not going to cede that I am Chandler in the argument.
09:33Does Carolina know that she's been dating Josh in Chandler drag for years, maybe?
09:38This is not Chandler drag.
09:40The wig does not look like my hair.
09:42It is not the same color as my hair.
09:43It's barely even on Josh's head.
09:45And that's time!
09:46And that's time.
09:47And that's time.
09:50Our next abolitionist, previously abolished speakerphones, please welcome Elise Morales.
10:07Honored guests, esteemed establishment, my opponents, all men, by the way, just something
10:18you should know, are going to come up here tonight, and they are going to try to win.
10:26Not me.
10:28I don't need it.
10:31Instead, I'm going to use my platform tonight to speak out against something that, as far
10:38as I can tell, nobody else has a problem with at all.
10:42But I don't care, because I am proud to be potentially the first person ever to say, abolish the doomsday
10:51clock.
11:00I don't like the clock.
11:04I don't think that clocks should be scary.
11:08Unless, of course, it's like a grandfather clock, and when it strikes midnight, I'm going
11:12to be whisked away to a world of, like, candy and mice.
11:14But that's not...
11:15Listen, are we familiar with the clock?
11:17Does everyone know?
11:18Okay.
11:18Okay, for anyone who doesn't know, the doomsday clock is, like, this stupid fucking fake clock.
11:25Right?
11:26And it's not even a whole clock.
11:27It's, like, a quarter of a clock.
11:29They didn't even make a whole clock.
11:31And these nerds at the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists trot it out every time something
11:36scary happens to make us feel more scared.
11:40Okay?
11:41And then they say, oh, we're closer to midnight, which is code for total annihilation.
11:45And then every newspaper in the world writes the same friggin' headline.
11:51Okay.
11:52Oh, oh, what does it mean?
11:55What does it mean?
11:56How about who is it for?
11:59Who is it for?
12:00Not me.
12:01Not me.
12:02I am a freelance copywriter for a cruise line who does this at night.
12:06Okay?
12:08I couldn't go to the No Kings protest because I was teaching a sketch comedy class that
12:13pays me under the table.
12:14Do you understand?
12:15I don't...
12:16I'm not the one who's going to solve this thing.
12:19Okay?
12:20I lack the knowledge.
12:22I am not a scientist.
12:24But you know who is a scientist?
12:27The people at the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists people!
12:31These people!
12:33Okay?
12:34If things are so dire, why are we doing clock-based theatrics?
12:40Get in the lab!
12:48I want bunts and burners on!
12:52I want beakers full!
12:55And that's the only scientific equipment I know, which I learned from Muppet Babies.
13:01I understand.
13:03I understand.
13:03Oh, things are actually really bad right now.
13:06I know.
13:07I know.
13:08I listen to the daily.
13:11Also, my mom recently figured out how to DM me on Instagram the stuff that she sees on Facebook,
13:17so I'm abreast of the situation.
13:21And also a bunch of, like, AI-generated situations that aren't real but are alarming nonetheless.
13:28Whatever is going to happen at midnight, I'm not making it to 1201.
13:35What do you want me to do about it?
13:37Vote in New York?
13:42But one thing I do feel confident saying is that if something is going to get humanity through the impending
13:50whatever,
13:51there's a lot of options on the table right now,
13:54the solution is not going to be clock-based.
13:59Which is why I think these dorks, yeah, I said it,
14:04need to leave the arts and crafts and the theatrics to me and my unemployed friends
14:11and say it with me now,
14:14get in the lab!
14:17Thank you!
14:21Thank you!
14:23Abolish the doomsday clock.
14:25Thank you so much.
14:32Elyse, people are idiots, okay?
14:35So the problem is we all know, like, the world is ending and it's horrible and everything is really bad.
14:40And we know that and it's still not working, right?
14:43So we have to have dumb visual representation to at least give a different avenue to communicate that idea.
14:50What's left?
14:51I don't know.
14:51Let's make a dumb, dumb quarter clock and see if that gives any kind of notion to people
14:56to just try and pay attention and it's working.
14:58You did a whole presentation about it.
15:00We can't base this on me, all right?
15:03Because I am someone who is abreast of the situation.
15:07I'm getting all of the notifications, et cetera, et cetera.
15:10What I'm trying to say is if they want to do theatre, they can join us here, okay?
15:16They can join us here.
15:17They can put a little glitter on this thing.
15:19The clock looks like shit, first of all.
15:22The clock looks like shit.
15:23I don't know if you've ever watched one of their little presentations.
15:26Boring.
15:28Boring.
15:29So if they're going to do it, they should do it, but they're not doing it, so leave it to
15:32us.
15:33Okay, so you'd be okay with the clock if it was just jazzed up a little bit then?
15:36A little bit?
15:37Oh, you know who loves jazz?
15:39My dad, Kelly Dean.
15:41Okay.
15:47He plays the saxophone.
15:49I didn't know that.
15:51I didn't know that.
15:53Well, here's something.
15:55Okay.
15:57You mentioned at the beginning that all your opponents are men.
16:01They are.
16:02Well, me, Chandler, I booked the show, and I made sure to not book any women, because I'm a bad
16:10guy.
16:11What do you think about that?
16:15Listen, Chandler, you're going to do what you're going to do tonight.
16:18You want to vote for one of the men.
16:19That's what you did in the last election.
16:20You can do it again here tonight.
16:25All right.
16:26Elise.
16:26Rachel.
16:27So, so, so.
16:29So, so.
16:29That clock, I love it.
16:33I can't get enough of the stuff.
16:35Wish it was smaller and had less stuff on it.
16:39I'm a minimalist, so that kind of thing just really sparks, like, creative vibes in my heart.
16:44Okay.
16:45And you should know how long you have before basically anything that you have to do.
16:49Like, if I knew how long it was going to be before I had to go to the bathroom next,
16:53that would be really helpful to me.
16:54Um, or if I knew, like, when I'll fall in love, then, um, I would stop, like, texting, um, insane
17:01boys.
17:02Um, and so knowing when the world will all go to, like, shit and a hell in a handbasket would
17:09be so helpful to me.
17:10And so I'm grateful to these dorky, freaky guys who, um, arbitrarily just kind of decided when it would all
17:17go down and put it on a, I'd never seen that thing before.
17:20You need to get different news.
17:22Because the news I get is interesting.
17:24And there's so much information.
17:26And it's really helpful.
17:27That doesn't seem helpful at all.
17:29Maybe you're on the wrong.
17:29So that's what I'm saying is it's not, so you're, you've come around.
17:32No, that's not what I meant.
17:32That's not what I meant.
17:33That's not what I meant.
17:33That's not what I meant.
17:34No, no, no.
17:35It's not helpful.
17:36No, no.
17:37It's not helpful.
17:38And I want to push back on the idea that it's actually giving us an accurate representation of time because
17:42we don't understand.
17:43Yeah, it says we're close to midnight, but they don't tell us what does midnight mean.
17:47Have you ever been on a play date and your mom says that you have five more minutes left?
17:51And then, and then it just flies by and you're like, wait, I swear to God, you said I had
17:56five minutes, but now you're making me leave Annalise's house?
17:59Right.
18:00I mean, yes, obviously I've had that experience, but what I'm saying is they need to, if they're going to
18:05try, if they're going to play this little clock-based game,
18:07then they need to establish a baseline of what each tick of the clock even represents.
18:11It's not even fundamentally a clock because it's not actually counting time.
18:15Then isn't every clock a doomsday clock?
18:20We're all just ticking away until the doom hits us.
18:24Okay.
18:24Oh, you know what?
18:25I think the panel wins on this one.
18:28At that time, our next abolitionist previously abolished lecterns.
18:36Give it up for Matthew Crowell.
18:45Uh, well, thank you, Chandler, first of all.
18:49Oh, after the last time I was up here, when I, you know, lost, um, I focused up.
18:58I did the work.
19:01I made the thumbnail.
19:03I'm not that guy, okay?
19:05Which is why I would like to abolish the very concept of redemption.
19:14This is what your democracy has wrought.
19:21Now I know, I know what you're all thinking.
19:24Matt, what an annoying and lazy twist.
19:26And you would be right to think that, Brielle.
19:31Can I tell you, I already wrote down, you pulled this meta bullshit last time.
19:35Boom!
19:40But seriously, though, like, what did you expect me to do?
19:43Grow?
19:43Change?
19:45Abolish something reasonable?
19:47Like dolphins?
19:49I have chosen to come back and rant about another edge case topic that challenges the narrative integrity of this
19:55entire show's premise.
19:57Fool you once, shame on me, that's what I've done, I've fooled you once.
20:04Redemption is the following.
20:08Freedom from guilt or blame for having done something wrong.
20:12Now, that sounds great in theory.
20:14Until you start asking the tough questions of how that freedom is achieved.
20:19But the second, the second you open that can of esoteric worms, the whole concept just becomes untenable.
20:28But please do not just take my word for it, okay?
20:32Let us look instead towards one of the most famous examples of redemption's moral failing
20:37from one of the most extensively studied and revered texts in human history.
20:42Star Wars.
20:47Specifically, this pod-racing son of a bitch, little Annie Skywalker, a.k.a. Darth Vader.
20:52Now, spoiler alert.
20:56This dolphin-sheened motherfucker allows galactic terrorism to cede,
21:01murders thousands of people, including younglings,
21:04and is complicit in blowing up entire planets, yet he throws one geriatric down a hole,
21:10and then all of a sudden he gets to party in Jedi heaven with all of the other space Jesuses?
21:17To recap, does this sliver of good outweigh a lifetime of nightmare?
21:25Folks, Misa not thinking so.
21:30Second example.
21:32Me.
21:34I have been on countless Wendover and Nebula shows, and every single one I have lost, okay?
21:40Let's just go down real quick.
21:41The getaway.
21:42Vote it off, Ep 1, all right?
21:46Abolish everything.
21:47I don't know!
21:47Do you see a fucking lectern up here?
21:51Boom.
21:52And finally, I was even on jet lag, folks,
21:55to play a game modified with Magic the Gathering,
21:57a game I have loved since the age of 13,
21:59and I assure you, I lost that as well.
22:02Even if I am triumphant today,
22:05that should not and does not wipe my slate clean.
22:10Why be good every day if only the last day matters?
22:15However.
22:19Here's the real reason why you should all applaud the very concept of redemption
22:22getting yeeted into the frickin' sun, okay?
22:25Even if I lose,
22:27that proves I should have won.
22:30Just follow me here for a second.
22:33This episode
22:34gets in front of you
22:36four of this show's most charismatic losers,
22:40but only offers redemption to one of us?
22:42Folks, redemption's already three-quarters abolished.
22:45I say we just finished the job.
22:47But here's a different sort of take of it.
22:49It's literally the title.
22:57You all bought tickets for this!
22:59You voted with your wallets,
23:01and thank you so much!
23:03And that is a stance
23:04that myself and these monstrous wet horses
23:06could not agree with more.
23:13Amen, brother.
23:14Abolish the very concept of redemption,
23:16I yield my time.
23:22Matt!
23:23Hi, Rachel!
23:26Matt!
23:28Last time you did this,
23:30I really did not like your vibe.
23:33And I didn't agree with what you had to say,
23:36but this time I found you really compelling
23:38and likable.
23:39And I just think that that was really great.
23:42And win or lose,
23:43like, I just want you to know that
23:44I thought you did a really good job.
23:47How does that feel?
23:54Now?
23:55No.
23:56Oh, before?
23:57Before I asked you how it felt.
23:58Before it felt good.
23:59Sure, I'll give you that one.
24:00Come here, come here.
24:03Come on!
24:04No, give her a hug.
24:06Get over here!
24:06Get over here!
24:08No!
24:11How fucking dare you!
24:14If you win tonight,
24:16we enter a timeline
24:18that isn't possible.
24:21You've created a paradox.
24:24How interesting!
24:25Because if we abolish redemption,
24:27then you are redeemed.
24:29Do you understand
24:30what kind of fuckery you just opened?
24:33We're fucked!
24:35You opened a time worm
24:37that we can't get out of!
24:40You think Chandler and Chandler
24:42can handle that on their conscience?
24:46I'll say this again, agree.
24:48I think the only thing
24:49keeping us safe right now
24:50is that there are two Chandlers.
24:52I agree, I agree.
24:53Oh, oh, boo-hoo.
24:56Oh, oh.
24:58Chandler's classic phrase.
25:00Boo-hoo.
25:01But you did the Jar Jar voice earlier.
25:05Misa Chandler-Banks.
25:07Great show, Chandler.
25:08That was good.
25:10Matthew, we have a long history
25:12of me thinking you're a piece of shit.
25:14Yes.
25:15It's a relationship I cherish.
25:17Yeah.
25:18I cannot believe
25:20the absolute cowardly
25:22backwards fucking gymnastics math
25:24you brought here tonight
25:26just so that you could say
25:28even if I lose,
25:29I still win.
25:30Why don't you try abolishing something
25:32that is genuine?
25:33I don't believe for one fucking second
25:35that you think we should
25:36actually abolish redemption.
25:37I think you liked the concept
25:38because it meant you could make the point
25:40that even if you lost,
25:42you could still win,
25:42which is cowardly.
25:44Stand for something.
25:45Take a fucking risk.
25:46This isn't a real presentation.
25:47This isn't actually participating in the show.
25:49It's showmanship.
25:50It's the idea of,
25:51look how smart I am.
25:52I'm clever.
25:53I'm above all your heads
25:54because I'm abolishing something that's meta,
25:56and it's actual garbage.
25:58Wow.
26:00Brielle.
26:01Brielle.
26:01No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:03no, absolutely not.
26:04She brings up some great points.
26:07First and foremost,
26:08I want to compliment you
26:09on noticing where the onus of this came from.
26:11It was.
26:12It was sort of like,
26:13oh, wow, wouldn't that be fun?
26:14And I didn't really want to,
26:15I'm getting a little bit honest right now,
26:16I didn't really want to do it.
26:18But then I started thinking about it.
26:21And I do actually agree
26:23with what the dolphin's subtitle said
26:24at the end of my presentation.
26:26Is that the concept of redemption
26:28robs us all of the small changes
26:30we can continue to make in our daily lives.
26:32I don't want a fucking cookie saying,
26:35oh, I'm fine now,
26:36so I don't have to keep working on myself.
26:38Everything is a process.
26:39So I do actually dislike the concept of redemption
26:42because it allows someone else to say,
26:44I'm done getting better.
26:46And that's bullshit.
26:47I kind of have a question for the panel
26:49if I just have a time.
26:50Go crazy.
26:51So everyone seems like
26:52they want redemption to stay, right?
26:54You want me not to abolish redemption.
26:55Yes, that's our job.
26:57Of course, great.
26:58I'm understanding the dynamic.
27:00I just, you've all made very good points,
27:02and I'm just, I'm curious
27:03if you're fighting tooth and nail
27:05to not have this thing go away,
27:07what have you all done?
27:10Yeah, that's time!
27:12I'm together now!
27:14We're out of time!
27:18Our next demolitionist
27:20previously abolished The Dentist.
27:22Let's hear it for Adam Chase.
27:39Folks, imagine you are this child.
27:45And look, you're a sweet kid,
27:48but you are also undoubtedly annoying,
27:52self-serious, attention-seeking,
27:56and straight, but with a voice
27:57that makes people question it sometimes.
28:02Now, imagine that instead of being given something
28:06that might help mitigate these qualities,
28:08a football, a haircut, an ass-kicking,
28:15imagine if instead you were given the script
28:18to Bram Stoker's Dracula
28:21and put on a stage.
28:24It might look something like this.
28:30And then imagine that you just kept going.
28:35Now, do we think that it would help with this stuff?
28:42Or would we agree
28:43that we must abolish children doing plays?
28:52Folks, I'm about to show you an image
28:54that I can and should get cancelled for,
28:57but I'm showing it to you now
28:58because I want to get ahead of it.
29:01Now, this...
29:07is what theater will have you doing.
29:11Now, as I was showing this set to friends,
29:13a lot of people saw this photo.
29:15They thought I was in brown face.
29:17I would like to point out
29:19that, in fact,
29:20I just have a lot of soot on my face.
29:24Having soot on your face
29:25is one of the biggest problems
29:27faced by people in plays.
29:30No, if you'd like to see a child in a play
29:33that has racially questionable costuming choices,
29:35you'll need to look here.
29:42Now, what do these two photos have in common?
29:45Well, other than the cultural appropriation,
29:47they, of course, have this stupid fucking hat.
29:51You know this stupid fucking hat.
29:53It's the all-purpose hat for boys in plays.
29:56Now, to wear the hat on stage
29:58is, of course, humiliating.
30:00But that is not the true danger
30:02because, you see, children are vulnerable
30:04and naive.
30:06Children may go so far
30:08as to wear the hat
30:10when they are not in a play.
30:16Selling this hat to a child
30:19is worse than selling them ketamine.
30:26At least if someone had sold me ketamine as a child,
30:31I might have chilled out.
30:36But the hat is just the tip of the iceberg.
30:39You see, when children do plays,
30:41they are taught that they need to project loudly.
30:44But children, you see, grow up.
30:46Some of them have semi-successful careers
30:49as YouTubers.
30:50And then they get comments like this.
30:54Is it just me,
30:55or does Adam sound like a bird?
30:57A goose or something,
30:59especially when he laughs?
31:01John Lovitz.
31:03That's who Adam sounds like.
31:07It's been bugging me for...
31:09It was bugging them
31:11for weeks!
31:14This comment is so long and nice,
31:18but they still said,
31:20Adam's voice always reminds me of Animaniacs.
31:25And finally,
31:27the first guy came back two weeks later
31:30on a different video
31:32to say,
31:33I keep saying it!
31:37Adam's voice sounds like a bird.
31:39Now, this brings me to another point.
31:42Theater ruins children's future job prospects.
31:44I could be working at a consulting firm right now,
31:49but instead I'm in a basement prostrating myself
31:52because doing theater gave me a horrible condition
31:55known as early-onset thumbnail face.
32:01If you are already an intense child,
32:05the last thing you need to be doing
32:07is directing and starring in a production
32:09of Bernard Pomerantz's The Elephant Man.
32:13I should have been at the club!
32:18But if you're not convinced to do it for the children,
32:22I ask you to think of the greatest victim of all,
32:26the audience.
32:29At least when children do drugs,
32:32they do them in secret.
32:35Having to watch an 11-year-old monologue
32:38about going through menopause
32:40is an affront to our basic human dignity
32:44and a mar on our one eternal soul.
32:48So if not for the youth,
32:50do it for yourself.
32:51Let yourself abolish children doing plays.
33:03Well, now here's something.
33:08That photo of me, you said,
33:10was me covered in soot?
33:12Well, I want to let you all know
33:15that wasn't soot,
33:16that was brownface.
33:22But plays saved it
33:23and made it look not racist.
33:26You want to get rid of that?
33:29Chandler, I...
33:31No, because I've discussed this with you,
33:34that you would not have done this
33:37if you had not been told to do it by adults.
33:39This is exactly my point.
33:41Adults are teaching children horrible things
33:43by putting them in the play.
33:44No, no, I would have done it.
33:48They held me back.
33:49I would have done it worse.
33:53Adam, you say that
33:54we need to take away these plays
33:56because they exacerbate the attention seekers, right?
33:58But the truth is
33:59they're always going to be attention seeking.
34:01So if we take away this outlet for them,
34:03where are they going to put
34:04all of that energy, right?
34:06At least in this environment,
34:07it's controlled.
34:08There's a script.
34:09There's adults in charge.
34:10And I fear if you take that away,
34:12they're not going to have anywhere else to do it.
34:13It's going to bleed out all over the world
34:15and they're just going to ruin relationships
34:16and burn bridges
34:17because they're like,
34:18look at me!
34:19And we need the stage for that, Adam.
34:24So I would say
34:28that a huge part of the problem
34:29is that this legitimizes those urges
34:32which should be suppressed.
34:37It's going to come out anyway, though.
34:39Somehow, somewhere,
34:40someone's going to take an improv class.
34:43I think that it would be bad
34:45if you gave kids drugs at school, right?
34:48Now, you could argue
34:49that they're going to do it themselves
34:51outside of it,
34:52but for God's sakes,
34:53at least we don't have to encourage it, right?
34:55We don't have to legitimize it.
34:57No, that's a good idea.
34:58We should give them drugs.
35:01That sounds great.
35:03Adam, I just want to say
35:04I don't think you sound like a bird.
35:07I don't think you sound like John Lovitz.
35:10I think you sound like a bird
35:12doing an impression of John Lovitz.
35:15Well, now hold on a second, Andy.
35:18Sure, Chandler.
35:19Adam, you don't sound like a bird.
35:22Now, don't tell Carolina.
35:26But I've been hooking up with a bird.
35:30So I guess I'll just respond
35:32to Andy's point, then.
35:41So, Andy,
35:45look,
35:46would you mind if,
35:47could you look at me?
35:48Sure.
35:50Andy, my brother.
35:53Wow, you think of me as...
35:55I know why you're doing this.
35:58Yeah.
35:58You are a victim, too.
36:04I regret nothing!
36:09Andy, you don't have to defend
36:11what they did to us.
36:13You can break free.
36:15You can leave this basement
36:17and never come back.
36:18Go!
36:19Go and be free!
36:21I've been trying to look like that
36:23for 15 years.
36:28I have not breathed
36:30this entire PowerPoint
36:31because I was so worried
36:32you were going to pull up
36:33a picture of me
36:34from when I was Mrs. Mears
36:36in Thoroughly Modern Millie,
36:37which, if you'll recall,
36:38is a geisha.
36:39A Chinese geisha.
36:40And I did that.
36:41And I'm sorry I was 14
36:43and a bunch of people
36:44told me to do it.
36:45I think we should get rid
36:46of plays, too.
36:47They're bad!
36:48I didn't want to do that at all.
36:49I just wanted to make out
36:50with boys.
36:51And the only way to do that
36:52was go to a camp
36:53where there were boys
36:54who were gay
36:54and would kiss girls like me.
36:57So I think,
36:58I think,
36:58I think if that plays are awesome,
37:00we should have more of them
37:01because then girls
37:02get to kiss gay guys.
37:04Gay guys get to kiss girls
37:05and be normal
37:06for a little bit longer.
37:08And I think that's awesome!
37:13And that's time!
37:16Are you ready
37:17for your final abolitionist
37:18of the night?
37:23Our final abolitionist,
37:25previously abolished varmints.
37:27Put your hands together
37:28for Ben Doyle.
37:35So, this evening,
37:37I'm going to be abolishing
37:40idiopathic pulmonary
37:42arterial hypertension.
37:49Yes.
37:56Due to some unforeseen
38:00financial irregularities,
38:01I was forced to bring in
38:03an outside sponsor
38:06for this show.
38:08Chandler is shaking his head no.
38:09So it was sort of a,
38:10this was sort of a gray area,
38:11actually.
38:12But I think it's going to be great.
38:15And I just,
38:16I want to thank Corvexa
38:17for their support this evening.
38:18And I want to assure
38:19all of you
38:20that, you know,
38:22the opinions
38:22I'm about to express
38:24are,
38:24they're mine and mine alone.
38:26And I wrote
38:28pretty much every word
38:30that I'm about to read.
38:31First,
38:32a little about me.
38:33Sure.
38:35My name is Ben Doyle,
38:37but you might know me
38:38as Mr. Beast.
38:39And that's not true.
38:41That's not exactly true.
38:43But you might.
38:47No,
38:47that figure is not accurate.
38:49That I think is about Mr. Beast.
38:53And that's about Mr. Beast.
38:56And so,
38:57okay,
38:58so this is actually,
38:58this is,
38:59this is the headline,
39:01folks.
39:01We can forget about
39:02that other stuff.
39:03I hate
39:05idiopathic pulmonary
39:06arterial hypertension.
39:07I hate this stuff
39:07and we got to abolish it.
39:09Okay,
39:10why do we got to abolish it?
39:11Well,
39:12it's simple.
39:13Idiopathic pulmonary
39:14arterial hypertension
39:15is a huge bummer.
39:17Okay?
39:19It can cause your ankles
39:21and torso to swell,
39:22which can make you look ugly.
39:25You're not going on any dates
39:26looking like this.
39:28Ladies,
39:28you know what I mean.
39:30And
39:31it can kill you.
39:32And it,
39:34and it does.
39:35It kills some number
39:36of people every year.
39:38So,
39:39I've made my case.
39:40Um,
39:42but,
39:43what can be done?
39:44Well,
39:45folks,
39:46allow me to introduce
39:47Corvexa.
39:49Um,
39:50so this is actually,
39:51this is a breakthrough
39:52pharmaceutical
39:53that can cure,
39:54cure diseases
39:55like IPAH
39:56in just 90 days.
39:58How does it work?
39:59Well,
39:59so it's this,
40:00uh,
40:00patent pending technology.
40:02The,
40:02the patent's coming
40:04and this technology,
40:05it switches your heart.
40:07It switches it
40:07straight into turbo mode.
40:10This raises your body's numbers
40:12across the board.
40:13Every number,
40:14up,
40:15up,
40:15up.
40:15It's,
40:16this is,
40:17it's just good for you.
40:18It's just good for you.
40:19I actually,
40:20I have been taking,
40:21uh,
40:22Corvexa for about a month now.
40:23I don't even have IPAH
40:24or any of this junk.
40:26I actually was in the hospital
40:28recently for unrelated reasons.
40:30And,
40:31when the doctor saw me,
40:32they said,
40:33wow,
40:33I have not seen numbers
40:34like this in my life.
40:36This is,
40:36these are never before seen numbers.
40:38Like I said,
40:39this is cutting edge stuff,
40:40actually.
40:41So,
40:42why haven't I heard of Corvexa?
40:44The woke mob
40:45is not going to like to hear this,
40:46but it's the big three.
40:48It's Hillary.
40:50Okay?
40:51It's,
40:52and she's working with the media.
40:53We know them.
40:55And then,
40:55of course,
40:56it's,
40:57so it's actually the Antifa-controlled
40:59U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
41:01Okay?
41:03So,
41:03these are,
41:03these are radical guys.
41:05These are radical people.
41:06They're sick people,
41:07actually.
41:07They should maybe
41:08try taking Corvexa.
41:09I actually have here
41:10a letter that they sent to us,
41:12to,
41:12or to Corvexa.
41:14And,
41:15you take a look right here.
41:16So,
41:17they talk on and on here
41:18in this whole section.
41:19They blather on about,
41:20oh,
41:21the mouse,
41:21he exploded.
41:23The,
41:24the chimpanzee took it,
41:25he exploded.
41:26What's key is right here,
41:28you see this part,
41:28he said,
41:29he's talking about,
41:31human testing remains
41:31inconclusive,
41:33okay?
41:34Inconclusive,
41:34when there are hundreds
41:36of anonymous reports
41:37from users
41:38whose numbers
41:39were higher than ever.
41:40That does not sound
41:41inconclusive to me.
41:43It sounds like a miracle,
41:44and it is.
41:46And,
41:47in fact,
41:47that is why I am here
41:48this evening.
41:49I am the only proof
41:50you need.
41:51Corvexa is safe,
41:53and it is great for you.
41:55And,
41:56in fact,
41:56it is so safe
41:57that I could eat
41:58an entire 90-day dosage
41:59of the medication
42:00in a single sitting
42:01and be perfectly fine.
42:05In fact,
42:06I am going to do that
42:07right now.
42:08I am going to do that
42:38Get the water.
42:51Okay.
42:54Wow.
42:56I feel great.
43:02And it tastes good.
43:07I am never going to die.
43:10Let's abolish human death.
43:12We can do it together.
43:15Yes, thank you.
43:16And I defy the establishment to try and take me down on this,
43:21to try and argue against this.
43:22Good luck.
43:23You're bleeding a lot from your mouth.
43:28You can see the toxins that are being purged from my body in real time.
43:34It feels amazing.
43:36But you keep drinking the water again.
43:38Well, they'll come back out.
43:41I guess from the stance of big pharma, if we're the establishment,
43:45and that's a major part of the establishment,
43:47we're going to be against anything that makes people better,
43:51because we want to keep people sick,
43:52and we want to keep them buying the medicine that we're putting out, right?
43:55So we want to create things that make you sick,
43:57so that we then offer the solution for it.
43:59But I had that thought,
44:01and then you're clearly dying and very sick.
44:06So I think I bought into the idea of Corvexa,
44:09and now I understand that it is accomplishing what big pharma wants,
44:12which is to keep you sick because you're very ill,
44:13but you're still standing,
44:14which is the perfect window that we want you to be in.
44:17So I feel like you didn't listen to the part where my numbers are very high.
44:22Yeah, can you say what numbers specifically?
44:24All of them.
44:25Okay, so when you go into the doctor,
44:27very often things like high cholesterol or high blood pressure,
44:30those are bad indicators,
44:31but you're excited about the high number.
44:32So what numbers specifically?
44:35Bad indicators.
44:36Who told you that, George Soros?
44:43I'm worried if we abolish IPA,
44:46then how is Corvexa going to stay in business?
44:49That's what I'm worried about.
44:50And I'm worried that you signed a contract about helping Corvexa,
44:54but in effect by abolishing IPA,
44:58you're fucking Corvexa.
45:00Well, I'm not.
45:01And if I were your boss,
45:01I'd take you outside and I'd shove that blood in your mouth,
45:04and then I'd go back inside and I'd go on my computer and look up pictures.
45:13Andy, we're thinking beyond IPA at this point, okay?
45:16If we abolish human death and everyone is immortal, right?
45:20That causes its own problems.
45:22Because then there's the issue of overpopulation, there's the issue...
45:26Oh, there's more.
45:27No.
45:29Ben.
45:30Ben, you really shouldn't be taking Corvexa.
45:33It's not doing what you want it to do.
45:35Now, you've mentioned IPA.
45:37Why don't you go ahead and spell the first three letters of IPA,
45:41and then say HLOT.
45:45Spell the first three letters?
45:48Spell the first three letters of IPA,
45:50and then say HLOT.
45:51And then say HLOT.
45:52What?
45:54I'd pee a lot.
45:55I'd pee a lot.
45:55I'd pee a lot.
45:56You pissed her!
45:57He was an idiot.
45:58It's easy to disagree with a guy like that.
46:01Nothing else to say about that kind of thing.
46:03And in fact, I'm going to be peeing a lot after this,
46:04because the toxins are going to get purged from all the holes.
46:08Ben, I have to ask,
46:11how much money have you invested in Corvexa?
46:14I've not invested any money.
46:16And the money, it's come in one way only.
46:18How much are they paying you?
46:19I cannot disclose that legally.
46:22What if you did a dance that told us the number?
46:25Oh.
46:26How would I convey a number?
46:29You'll find a way.
46:30Give me a song, yeah.
46:32Okay.
46:33Oh, yeah.
46:34Okay.
46:35That's a lot of money.
46:36You just did a zero.
46:37You're only getting zero dollars for this?
46:39Ben, I think the concern is that your presentation is tainted,
46:42because you have a very severe bias,
46:44both financially and you're sponsoring.
46:46They have a sponsor for your presentation.
46:48So it's hard for us to authentically rebut you,
46:51because you have someone hovering above you telling you what to say,
46:54because of the agreement that you made.
46:56There's a little worm in your ear.
46:58You talked a lot about Mr. Beast earlier.
47:01Are you currently in a YouTube video?
47:04I'm not Mr. Beast.
47:05We gave this guy Corvexa for a hundred days.
47:08I will watch that.
47:12Can we please get all of our abolitionists back to the stage?
47:18Give it up one more time for Elise Morales,
47:23Matthew Crowell, Adam Chase, and Ben Doyle.
47:30Okay.
47:31So now, the time has come, at long last,
47:35after each of these people were denied a chance at visiting the championship,
47:40one of them is going to make it based on your vote.
47:44And we are going to do it, as always,
47:46with a proprietary piece of abolish everything technology,
47:49the Chirometer 3000.
47:55The flaws of which are arguably the reason this episode exists at all.
48:01Okay.
48:02Who thinks that we should abolish the doomsday clock?
48:10Who thinks we should abolish the very concept of redemption?
48:20Who thinks that we should abolish children doing plays?
48:29And who thinks we should abolish IPA?
48:39Adam and Ben, please step forward.
48:43Congratulations to all of our returning abolitionists.
48:50Who thinks that we should abolish children doing plays?
49:03And who thinks we should abolish IPA?
49:11These are close.
49:13Two say one thing, one says another.
49:15There can only be one.
49:17We have abolished IPA.
49:23Congratulations to Ben Doyle.
49:26Please proceed to the winner's wall.
49:32Give it up one more time for all of our abolitionists.
49:37Let's give a hearty fuck you to the panel.
49:43And thank you for watching on Nebula.
49:48We'll see you next time. Good night.
49:49Why haven't you figured out what time the movie actually starts?
49:54Oh.
49:55I would love to know when the movie actually fucking starts.
50:01I would love to know that.
50:04The Denvironlic Man jam.
50:05We're back with Episod tale.
50:09The abdominal站!
50:11Football!
50:12What?
50:13What?
50:19That's the way?
50:32What the Video segment?
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