- 16 hours ago
Father Ted - S01E04 - Competition ‘Fume-Father Ted TV Series 1995-1998
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Let's do it
00:31All right, are you ready, Dougal?
00:32Ready when you are, Ted.
00:34You'll like this, Dougal.
00:35Okay, here I come.
00:42Who are you supposed to be, Ted?
00:45What are you doing?
00:46You two can't go as Elvis.
00:49You?
00:50Wait a second.
00:52You're Elvis as well.
00:54Of course I'm Elvis.
00:55I've got Elvis written on my back.
00:56I don't believe this.
00:58Bit of a coincidence, all right there.
01:00Great minds think alike, I suppose.
01:02I've been saying for the last two weeks
01:03that I was going as Elvis.
01:05Ah, that's probably where I got the idea.
01:08This is great.
01:09This really is the first all-priests,
01:11stars-in-their-eyes, look-alike competition
01:12I thought I had a chance of winning.
01:14I've even cleared a space for the trophy,
01:16besides the one we got for coming third
01:17in the Ludo Championships.
01:18As you might still win, Ted, you never know.
01:21And what if you're on before me?
01:22I look and need it.
01:23Everyone will think I copied the idea off you.
01:26Well, Ted, to be fair now,
01:27it is a bit weird you happen to think of it as well.
01:30Right, right.
01:32I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again.
01:36Who are you supposed to be?
01:40Elvis.
01:42I'm Elvis.
01:44I'm Elvis.
01:45I know you're Elvis, Father.
01:47We're all Elvis.
01:48That's the problem.
01:49But you look like fathers.
01:52Thackles!
01:52Oh, there's nothing lighter than a cup of tea in the afternoon.
01:56You look a bit different, Father.
01:59Have you had a haircut or something?
02:01No, I'm Elvis Presley.
02:03Are you, Father?
02:05Oh, that's a turn up for the books anyway.
02:07It's for the All Priests Lookalike Show tomorrow.
02:09Oh, now I see.
02:11Well, I must say, I'm looking forward to that.
02:13Is Father Kiernan coming?
02:15He won't be, no.
02:16He's a great laugh.
02:17I remember him last year telling all his stories.
02:20He had me in stitches.
02:22You know, it is true what they say about chubby men, isn't it?
02:25They are jollier than the rest of us.
02:26They have a way of looking at things.
02:28He shot himself.
02:31Yeah, that's terrible, you know.
02:34I suppose that's often the way with fat men, isn't it?
02:36They laugh to hide the tears.
02:39But, you know, that's life.
02:40Happy one minute, and the next, I suppose, you just go and shoot yourself, and that's that.
02:44Anyway, tea.
02:52Hello?
02:53Ah, Ted, how are you?
02:54Dick Byrne here.
02:55Ah, hello, Dick.
02:56How are things on Rugged Island?
02:57Ah, not so bad.
02:58You all set for tomorrow?
02:59The competition.
03:00What have you got planned?
03:02Ah, I shouldn't say.
03:03That would be giving you an advantage.
03:04Mother Teresa.
03:06No.
03:07I do think you might be in with a chance of winning this year.
03:09Oh.
03:10Well, do you really, Dick?
03:12No.
03:14Who is Eddie?
03:15Look, Dougal, I'm asking you one more time.
03:17Don't go as Elvis.
03:19Huh?
03:19Look, I've been looking forward to this for ages.
03:21I know all the moves and everything.
03:23And remember, who's judging this year?
03:24Who is it?
03:25Henry Sellers.
03:27No.
03:27Oh, he's coming here.
03:28Oh, wow.
03:30I told you this, Dougal.
03:31Father Dunn is bringing him over.
03:33I've never met a celebrity before.
03:35You met the Pope?
03:36Did I?
03:38Don't you remember when we were in Rome?
03:40That was the Pope.
03:42That fellow living in the art gallery.
03:43The Vatican, Dougal.
03:44That's the Vatican.
03:45All the same.
03:46I wouldn't say he's a celebrity, like in the true sense of the word, you know.
03:49The Pope is God's representative on earth, Dougal.
03:52You think he'd be taller?
03:54What, like a giant?
03:56Still, though, Henry Sellers coming here.
04:00Henry Sellers.
04:01Dougal!
04:02Henry Sellers.
04:02Dougal, calm down!
04:04We have to concentrate on the Elvis problem.
04:06Look.
04:06We'll toss for it.
04:08Whoever wins can go as Elvis.
04:10Okay.
04:11All right.
04:11Right.
04:12Heads or tails?
04:14Heads or tails, Dougal?
04:16Heads.
04:17No, tails.
04:18Heads.
04:18Tails.
04:19Heads.
04:19Dougal, you have to give me a chance.
04:21Give me a choice between the two.
04:23Sorry about that, Ted.
04:24I just got a bit excited there.
04:26You go again.
04:27Heads or tails?
04:28Heads.
04:29Are you sure?
04:30Absolutely posse.
04:30Tails.
04:31Heads.
04:32Tails.
04:32Heads.
04:33Dougal.
04:33Heads.
04:34Dougal, calm down.
04:35Tails.
04:35Heads.
04:36Tails.
04:36Heads.
04:36Dougal.
04:37Dougal, are you all right?
04:38I am.
04:38I am.
04:39I'm fine, Ted.
04:40I'm just not the best at making decisions.
04:42Look.
04:42Or am I?
04:45Tell you what we'll do.
04:46You toss the coin.
04:48I'll take heads.
04:49Heads it is.
04:50Go ahead.
04:50Toss it there.
04:54Forget it.
04:55Forget it.
04:56Forget it!
05:01Yes!
05:10Ted, Henry's on.
05:12Ted.
05:13Back to you, Monica, for a five-point question.
05:18The capital of England.
05:20Is it New York, London, or Munich?
05:29I'll give you a clue.
05:30I'll give you a clue.
05:31You live there.
05:36Oh, Jane, do you know?
05:39I leaned on the bat and...
05:44He's great, isn't he, Ted?
05:47Henry.
05:48And he'll be here any second.
05:49Are you excited, Ted?
05:51Henry Sellers.
05:53Look at him there, asking the questions.
05:55Stitch in time saves how many?
06:01Sorry.
06:04London?
06:09Any idea why you left the BBC, Ted?
06:13Ah, look, Ted, why don't you be Elvis?
06:16Since you thought of it first, I suppose it's only fair.
06:20I'll go as Mother Teresa.
06:23I'm sorry, Dougal.
06:26I'm being very selfish.
06:27I'm sorry.
06:28You go as Elvis.
06:29No, Ted, it's not fair on you.
06:31You had your heart setting it.
06:32No, seriously, you go as Elvis.
06:34Really?
06:34Great.
06:35Thanks, Ted.
06:37Unless you'd prefer to go as Mother Teresa.
06:40Ah, no, not really.
06:41Anyway, there's only one Mother Teresa, and that's you, Ted.
06:49Thanks, Dougal.
06:50Oh, well, at least I'll have the honour of taking care of Mr Sellers.
06:53It's important that we be extremely nice to him.
06:55That'll improve our chances of winning 100%.
06:57We'll have to fill him up with food and drink till it's coming out of his ears.
07:01And you'll be nice to Mr Sellers, won't you, Father?
07:04Ah.
07:05Father, are you all right?
07:10Ah, no.
07:12Not Toilet Duck again.
07:18You know what that does to you.
07:21You'll be seeing the pink elephants again.
07:24How many fingers am I holding up to you?
07:30Three.
07:32Maybe they're not too bad.
07:33You're probably getting immune to it by now.
07:35Oh, that'll be him.
07:36That's Henry.
07:37Oh, God.
07:37He's here.
07:40Hello there.
07:42Henry Sellers.
07:44Father Ted Crilly, it's a great honour to have you here, Mr Sellers.
07:47Oh, and it's lovely to be here, too.
07:49Hello.
07:50Father, um...
07:52Sorry, this is Father Dougal Maguire.
07:56Dougal, say something to Mr Sellers.
07:58How old are you?
08:01Dougal, don't be asking Mr Sellers how old he is.
08:04Oh, that's quite all right.
08:05I'm 37, Father.
08:08This is Father Jack Hackett.
08:10Hello, Father.
08:12Hello.
08:20Bye, Father.
08:22He's just gone for his walk.
08:23Oh.
08:24Now, is there anything we can get you, Mr Sellers?
08:26Um, call me Henry.
08:28Well, um, if you had, um, something to eat, maybe, maybe a sandwich.
08:34Um, Mrs Doyle, some sandwiches.
08:36Right, Father.
08:41Is there something wrong with your head?
08:42Dougal.
08:44What?
08:45No, it's just his hair looks a bit...
08:46Dougal.
08:48Oi, I didn't say anything.
08:49It's just Henry's hair looks a bit mad.
08:51Is...
08:51Is...
08:52Is Father...
08:53Is Father done with you?
08:54Oh, yes.
08:55He's just bringing in...
08:56Oh, there he is.
08:57Ha, ha, ha, Ted.
08:59Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:00Good to see you.
09:02Sit down there.
09:04Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:05Ha, ha, ha.
09:05It's good to be on Craggy Island again.
09:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:10God, I haven't seen you in ages.
09:13Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:13I remember the last time I was here.
09:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:19We had that funny incident, remember?
09:21Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:25I suppose...
09:26I suppose you've forgotten all about it.
09:29Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:33It was the type of thing, you know.
09:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:36What is this?
09:38The last time Father Dunn was with us,
09:40Father Jack lost his slippers.
09:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:46It was a bit like...
09:48Ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:50He had us looking everywhere, Father.
09:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:56It was a bit like the type of thing, you know.
09:59Ha, ha, ha.
10:01We found them after a while.
10:03It was a bit like...
10:04Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:05Oh, ha, ha, ha.
10:07Oh, Lord.
10:08How long was the car journey?
10:09Four hours.
10:10Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:13With the thing there.
10:14Ha, ha, ha.
10:15I suppose it must be.
10:17Ha, ha, ha.
10:17So what's it like being a television star?
10:19Ha, ha, well...
10:20Oh, it must be.
10:22Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:24Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:25It must, it must be.
10:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:29Ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:30I must say, Henry, we're just so delighted to have you here.
10:33Is there anything else we can get you?
10:34No, no, I'm fine.
10:36Some more sandwiches?
10:38No, uh...
10:39Oh!
10:41No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.
10:43Absolutely fine.
10:45Everything okay with your hair?
10:46Dougal, can you stop talking about Henry's hair?
10:49Ha, ha, I'm sorry, Henry, it's just...
10:51Your hair is so natural-looking, Dougal can't stop talking about it.
10:55It really is a beautiful head of hair.
10:59Anyway, what I was saying was,
11:00anything you want at all, just ask for us.
11:03We can get it for you.
11:04There's no problem there, and I mean anything.
11:06Anything that you want, anything that you want
11:08that it would be at all possible for us to get you.
11:11Just ask for it.
11:12And I mean anything.
11:15There's no problem there, Todd.
11:17Anything.
11:18Well, actually, I have been having a bit of trouble
11:20getting the English papers.
11:21I wonder, would it be possible...
11:21Except the English papers.
11:24Anything you want, anything else, just ask.
11:26Except, obviously, the English papers.
11:27Well, you wouldn't have the number of a Father Dick Byrne at all.
11:31You'd be making a mistake if you went to visit them.
11:33Oh, well, why is that, Father?
11:37They're lepers.
11:40They're what?
11:42They're lepers.
11:42The three of them are lepers.
11:44Rugged Island is a leper colony.
11:47Leper colony?
11:48You're not serious.
11:50Well, no, it's not leprosy.
11:52But there's something wrong there.
11:54Do you ever think how strange it was,
11:56three priests living alone on an island like that?
11:58No, I suppose...
11:59Oh, no, there's something not quite right there.
12:01You'd be better off staying with us.
12:03Ted, could you tell me where the old...
12:06You know the old...
12:08The old is up the stairs and it's cursed on the leper.
12:12Oh, thanks very much.
12:14It's a wig.
12:20Time for a little nightcap.
12:23Oh, and you're running out of sandwiches.
12:25I'll bring in some more.
12:27I won't have a sherry, thank you.
12:29Yeah, don't be silly now, of course you will.
12:32No, no, no, really, I shouldn't.
12:33Go on, it'll help you sleep.
12:35No, no, no, it's not a good idea.
12:36You go ahead.
12:37Just a little drop, just a teeny tiny bit.
12:40The day a little bit of sherry hurts anyone
12:42is the day Ireland doesn't win the Eurovision Song Contest.
12:47Go on.
12:48No, no, no, really, I shouldn't.
12:49Yeah, go on, go on, go on, go on.
12:53Go on, go on.
12:56Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
13:01No, seriously, I can't.
13:03Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,
13:08go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
13:17Oh, what a shower of bastards!
13:25Oh, Lord, Ted, why did you give him a drink?
13:27I didn't know this had happened.
13:29That's why they sacked him from that program.
13:31He's a terrible alcoholic.
13:33He's been on the wagon now for a year.
13:36Oh, my God, Ted, how was I supposed to know?
13:38Sack me!
13:41Sack me!
13:43I made the BBC!
13:49I made it!
13:52Henry, maybe if you have a rest, you'll feel better.
13:54Get away from me, priest!
13:56The thing is, at the first time you should all head up to bed.
14:00I put that here, it was never-ending on anyway.
14:02I'll give it a kick myself.
14:03Do you want to fight?
14:04Oh, I've never heard of him, Miss Grappard.
14:08Bloody priests.
14:11Bloody sanctimonious scumbags.
14:13Absolutely.
14:14Made my life a bloody misery.
14:17Well, sorry about that, Henry, but are you sure you wouldn't like to go to bed?
14:20Well, maybe you could stay up a bit longer, perhaps.
14:22Oh, I'm fed up with you old bastards!
14:26I'm getting out of here.
14:27Don't you try and stop me!
14:30Oh!
14:35It's true what they say, though, isn't it?
14:36You should never meet your heroes.
14:38You'll only be disappointed.
14:44Imagine if we weren't able to get him back.
14:46He'd be like Bigfoot, except he'd be a BBC television presenter.
14:51Do you see him?
14:52There, by the trees.
14:55There he is.
14:56Got him.
14:59There he is.
15:02Terribly sorry about all this, Sergeant.
15:03Ah, no problem, Father.
15:05I've been through it before.
15:06Rock stars, actors, television personalities.
15:09They go off to drink and the drugs, and they come over to places like this.
15:12The solitude can get to them.
15:14What happened to this fella?
15:16He was fine one minute.
15:18And then he took a sip of sherry.
15:20Relapse.
15:20That's when they're at their most dangerous.
15:22Right, you're ready.
15:23I want you to bang these together.
15:25Shout a bit.
15:26That'll scare him out of the woods, so I can get a clear shot at him.
15:30You're going to shoot him?
15:31Tranquilise her dark, Father.
15:33It'll just put him to sleep for a bit.
15:34Still, it seems a bit extreme.
15:36It's the best way, Father.
15:37Believe me.
15:38Well, you know best.
15:41God.
15:43This reminds me of Vietnam.
15:45Have you known Vietnam, Sergeant?
15:46Ah, no, no.
15:46I mean, you know, the films.
15:48Are you all right?
15:49Let's go.
15:52Come on, Henry.
15:53The world, how'd you come?
15:55There.
15:57Right.
16:01It's Jack.
16:04I've got a clear shot of him, Father.
16:06Do you want me to get him?
16:08No, let him go.
16:10He'll make his own way back.
16:12Look at him go.
16:18Beautiful.
16:20Oh, my God, my head.
16:23There you are, Henry.
16:25A nice cup of tea.
16:26What?
16:26Oh, oh, my God.
16:28Where am I?
16:29What happened last night?
16:30I remember having a sip of sherry.
16:33Nothing to worry about.
16:35I hope I didn't do anything to embarrass you, Father.
16:39Dougal.
16:41Oh, you were fine, Henry.
16:43I expect that'll be Father Dick Brown.
16:45You know, I kind of feel sorry for him, though.
16:47Marooned on that island with those eejits.
16:49And they've absolutely nothing in common.
16:51Absolutely nothing in common.
16:52Hello?
16:53Hello, Dick.
16:54Ted, we were just talking about you.
16:56Really?
16:57Yeah, we were just saying how great you were.
16:59Really?
16:59No.
17:02Hilarious, Dick.
17:03I was just calling to make sure you're going to turn up tonight.
17:05Why wouldn't I turn up tonight?
17:07Oh, well, you know,
17:08might be a little embarrassing to, uh, come last again.
17:10We won't be coming last, Dick.
17:12It's you who'll be coming last.
17:14In fact, I thought we might have a little bet on tonight.
17:17Put your money where your mouth is, Ted.
17:19What are we talking about here?
17:20A pound?
17:21Two pounds?
17:24Five pounds.
17:27Five pounds?
17:29What's the matter, Dick?
17:30You scared?
17:31Of course I'm not scared.
17:31Five pounds it is.
17:33See you tonight.
17:35Well, I'd better go and get myself cleaned up for tonight.
17:38You know, brush me teeth.
17:40It's strange.
17:41I have a very strange taste of raw meat in my mouth.
17:44I don't know why that is.
17:45Right you are, Henry.
17:46Yeah.
17:49Five pounds.
17:50I must be insane.
17:51We haven't a hope in hell.
17:53Why can't we all go as Elvis?
17:55Because we all look the same, Dougal.
17:57Anyway, Jack will be in any moment looking for his afternoon drink.
18:01Drink!
18:02There he goes.
18:03Bang on time.
18:08God, Ted, he looks very rough.
18:09We'll have to get him sobered up if he's going to do this contest.
18:12No, Dougal, wait.
18:14Leave him.
18:16I have an idea.
18:18I have an idea.
18:26Diggy plate guitar.
18:45Fantastic.
18:46Father Harry Coyle there.
18:48You know, he looks a bit like...
18:51He won't mind me telling you this now.
18:56No, no, no.
18:57Anyway, Henry, marks for Father Coyle.
18:59Very good.
19:01I'll give him seven out of ten.
19:04Bastard.
19:05Oh, not bad at all.
19:08Ziggy played guitar.
19:11That means that the lads from Rugged Island are still in the lead with nine out of ten.
19:16So a big hand for Diana Ross and two of the Supremes.
19:24Don't start celebrating yet.
19:26Remember, we've still got one more act to go.
19:28Oh, yes.
19:29So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage...
19:33Oh, oh, oh.
19:34The lads.
19:38Father Ted Crilly with Father Maguire and Father Hackett.
19:43Ha, ha.
19:47Elvis Presley was a simple truck driver from America.
19:50But one day in the 1950s, he invented rock and roll.
19:57Oh, oh.
19:59Doody Waitin'
20:25I remove this, Mom.
20:28Elvis became famous
20:30Then they forced him into the army
20:31Then he came out
20:33And ten years later he came back with a comeback special
20:58Elvis was back
20:59From then until the end of his life
21:01He played in Las Vegas
21:02And became once again
21:03The King of Rock and Roll
21:19Ladies and gentlemen
21:20That was The Three Ages of Elvis
21:22Thank you
21:30Fantastic
21:31Lord God Almighty
21:33Three Elvises
21:35Well Henry
21:37Over to you for the final marks
21:56Brilliant Ted was fantastic
21:59Thanks very much
22:28That's Sir MacDuff's an awful
22:29Ejit isn't he Ted
22:31Here we are now
22:32Oh well since I didn't make a fool of myself
22:35The last time I might as well have a glass of champagne
22:37And cheer
22:38Henry no
22:40Don't worry father sure
22:42If I can't celebrate tonight
22:44So when can I
22:46The bastards
22:47What the hell is going on
22:48How dare they do this to me
22:51How dare they set me
22:52I'm Henry Sellers
22:54I'm Henry Sellers
22:59Well there he goes again
23:00Right there Ted
23:02Never mind
23:02We can look for him in the morning
23:04Anyway well done again Dougal
23:05What do you think of the trophy
23:06That's great
23:07It's all because of you Ted
23:09Put it there Dougal
23:37I'm Henry Sellers
23:40I'm Henry Sellers
23:45I'm Henry Sellers
23:45I'm Henry Sellers
23:45I'm Henry Sellers
23:46I'm Henry Sellers
23:46I'm Henry Sellers
23:46I'm Henry Sellers
23:47I'm Henry Sellers
23:47I'm Henry Sellers
23:48I'm Henry Sellers
23:48I'm Henry Sellers
23:48I'm Henry Sellers
23:48I'm Henry Sellers
23:49I'm Henry Sellers
23:49I'm Henry Sellers
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