- 17 hours ago
Tv, Father Ted S03E04 The Mainland
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I don't know.
00:34And one foot in the grave.
00:37And one foot in the grave.
00:40Come on, Dougal, turn off the video.
00:42OK, Ted.
00:43That's a great show, though, isn't it?
00:45He's mad, isn't he?
00:46I don't believe it, he says.
00:52Which one were you watching?
00:53What?
00:55Which episode of One Foot in the Grave were you watching?
00:58Huh?
01:00Dougal, you've just finished watching it.
01:01Do you not remember anything from it?
01:04I don't believe it.
01:05That's what he says.
01:08Come on, Dougal.
01:08Hurry up.
01:09We're off to the mainland.
01:10Hooray!
01:11Why?
01:12We have to go to the betting shop to collect my winnings.
01:14£200 on Father Liam Rice in the limbo competition.
01:18What they don't know is there's something wrong with his back
01:20and he always walks like that.
01:24I don't believe it.
01:29I don't believe it.
01:33Dougal, you better get that mended.
01:34There's a hole there on the top of your tank top.
01:36Really, Ted?
01:37I don't believe it.
01:39Brilliant, Dougal.
01:41Can we go to the caves then, after we go to the betting shop?
01:44Can we go?
01:44Can we?
01:44Please, please, please, please, please, please.
01:46All right.
01:47We'll go to the caves.
01:48Fantastic.
01:49Going to the caves.
01:50I don't believe it.
01:52Here we are now.
01:53I don't believe it.
01:56Drink!
01:57Not now, Father.
01:58We're going to the opticians in Roundskin.
01:59Remember to get you a nice pair of glasses.
02:09We should all be very careful on the mainland.
02:12There's a lot of crime around.
02:13Arsonists and muggers everywhere.
02:15My friend, Mrs O'Dwyer, was robbed last week.
02:18Oh, no.
02:19Did they get much?
02:21No, Father, I don't think you understand.
02:23She was robbed.
02:24They stole her.
02:25Oh, I see.
02:26It's a terrible thing when an old person can't even walk down the street
02:29for fear of being stolen.
02:31It is.
02:36Come on, Dougal.
02:37I don't want any accidents.
02:40Here's Mrs Dineen, Father.
02:42You can drop me off here.
02:43Right, so.
02:47Hello, Father Crilly.
02:49Hello, Mrs Dineen.
02:50When we go to the tea shop, Mrs Dineen,
02:52we can have a bit of a chat there.
02:54Right, so.
02:55Bye now.
03:05God, Dougal.
03:05Could you imagine spending any more time with those?
03:13Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal.
03:18What?
03:21Oh, God, Ted.
03:22I'm so happy.
03:23The sun's out,
03:24and we're in an optician's.
03:26It doesn't get any better than this.
03:29God, Ted.
03:30I just remembered something.
03:32I forgot to have any breakfast.
03:37We'll get something later.
03:38Don't worry.
03:39Oh, God, Ted.
03:40I'm so hungry.
03:42There's no chance.
03:43I couldn't die, could I,
03:44from the hunger?
03:47I don't think so.
03:48Not for a couple of hours, anyway.
03:50I'm finished now, Father.
03:55Well, I must say,
03:56I'm confused.
03:57His eyesight seems to be better than ever before.
04:00He read right down to the very last line,
04:02and even I can't see that one.
04:08I think I know what happened.
04:10You see, Father Jack has a great fondness
04:12for saying that particular word.
04:13Oh, I didn't know.
04:15It's the first time I've used that eye chart, actually.
04:17I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
04:20Hey, do you have anything to eat?
04:22Like a plate of chips or a burger or a few chops?
04:24I'm out of me head with the hunger.
04:27No, I'll, um, just get the other chart.
04:30So, what happened to his last pair of glasses?
04:32No idea.
04:33He was gone out of the house for a few minutes.
04:35When he came back, they were gone.
04:36He can't seem to hold on to a pair.
04:38Dougal, you forgot your scarf.
04:45Ah!
04:47Ah!
04:52Er, fathers, this is going to take some time.
04:58Oh, right, we'll head off.
04:59So, come on, Dougal, we'll go to the caves.
05:01Hooray!
05:03Now, Father, this chart was given to me by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Fekors Industries.
05:15You remember Mrs Kiernan?
05:17Well, she was on her way to the shop the other day and a man came over to her and
05:21killed her and stole her pen.
05:24They killed her?
05:25Well, they think so. They're keeping her in for tests.
05:30Well, you know what happened to old Mr Sweeney?
05:33Some young fellas broke into his house and started messing with him.
05:38And they put a bra on him.
05:41Oh, God, poor Mr Sweeney. He wouldn't like that at all.
05:46I heard there were over 200 cases of forced transvestism involving Mr Sweeney last year.
05:52Oh, it's terrible. What's the world coming to?
06:04Oh, it's terrible.
06:04Steady, Google.
06:06Right, now, one more. Steady.
06:15God almighty!
06:17Look what it is. It's that actor.
06:19Who?
06:20You know, your man from One Foot in the Grave.
06:22I don't believe it, man.
06:25Oh, wow.
06:26God, that's amazing. Look at him there.
06:31Do you know what he'd love?
06:33Well, he'd love it if somebody came up to him and said his catchphrase.
06:37Oh, yeah, Ted. He'd love that. You should definitely do that.
06:41Should I?
06:42Oh, yeah. I'd say no one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious.
06:46You know, this is one of these times when I'm absolutely 100 million percent sure that you'd be doing the
06:52right thing.
06:52I can safely say you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.
06:57You know what? I'm going to do it.
06:59Brilliant, Ted.
07:00Will I?
07:01Yeah, go on.
07:02Hold the camera.
07:17Hey! Don't believe it!
07:54I'll really well kill you!
08:09Well, what did he say?
08:10Did he laugh?
08:12No, no, no, no, not really.
08:14I'm going to sit down.
08:16Oh, God, no.
08:17I could never be one of those have-a-go heroes.
08:21I didn't know my own strength.
08:23I heard his arm snap,
08:25and then it was just a case of lying on top of him
08:29until the filth arrived.
08:33We'd better be off, Mrs Doyle.
08:35I'll get this.
08:36Oh, no, Mrs Dineen.
08:37Put that away.
08:38I'll get this.
08:39No, now, don't be silly.
08:41I'll pay.
08:43You won't.
08:44Put that away.
08:45Now, don't be stupid, Mrs Doyle.
08:48No, no, no, no.
08:49Now, just put your money away.
08:52You're mad.
08:53No, no, no, no.
08:55No, no!
08:57No, no, no, no!
09:10Second bores again.
09:34Drink!
09:46Take the money! Take the money away!
09:52I'm writing a checkbook!
09:54No, you're not! No, you're not! I am!
09:57Take that checkbook!
09:59Hello! Police!
10:04That's right. Absolutely. We understand.
10:08At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
10:12Yes!
10:15Yes. All I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
10:19Drink!
10:22I didn't give a damn about my wife, our kids.
10:25Yeah!
10:28No. With all of your help, I'm coming through it.
10:32I'm just taking it one day at a time.
10:34That's good.
10:38Thank you, Ronald.
10:40Now, I notice that we have a new member of the group with us today.
10:44Father, would you like to tell us your story?
10:54Drink!
10:59Drink!
11:03Drink!
11:04You're here, your father. Let it all out.
11:08Drink!
11:10It's so true. So true.
11:16And this rock here is actually granite.
11:19How long would that be there?
11:20Oh, many millions of years.
11:23Really? As long as that?
11:25That is fascinating.
11:27How come all the rocks are different sizes?
11:30Well, you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
11:35Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
11:40Of course, at this time, most of this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
11:45How did everyone breathe?
11:47Some sort of apparatus.
11:48All right.
11:49Wow! Look at that rock over there!
11:51Well, this is actually the oldest part of our tour.
11:54This particular cave was formed more than 15 million years ago.
11:58Wow!
11:59Don't believe it.
12:01You again!
12:04I don't want to see you again!
12:08Last time!
12:12That path's not open to the...
12:14Oh, Mr. Wilson, could I just say how...
12:17Oh, that's all right, that's all right.
12:19As long as I don't know how to hear that bloody catchphrase again.
12:23I don't believe it!
12:26I don't believe it!
12:30I'm sure we came in this way.
12:32Come on, Ted. I'm so hungry I'm beginning to hallucinate.
12:35Now, Dougal, don't exaggerate.
12:37And stop worrying. We'll get out of here in no time.
12:41Let's try this way.
12:44Ooooooooooo!
12:45Hey, what's that?
12:47What's what?
12:50Oooooooooh!
12:52Aaaaaaah!
12:54Ted!
12:55Aaaaaaah!
12:59I see a little silhouette of a crearmuth, crearmuth!
13:03Will you do the fandango?
13:05Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening.
13:09Galileo!
13:11Figaro! Magnifico!
13:14I'm just a poor boy. Nobody loves me. He's just a poor boy from a poor family.
13:19Save his life from this monstrosity. Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?
13:24Pass me la, no. We'll not get to go. Let me go. Pass me la. We'll not get to go.
13:29Let me go.
13:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
13:33No, I... Mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia. Let me go.
13:37Beelzebub. Let the devil push aside for me. For me. For me.
13:50As I was saying, I think the thing to do is to try and find an exit before the caves
13:55close for the evening.
13:57Good idea, Father. How long have you been in here?
13:59Two days now, Father. At least... I think it's two days.
14:03We've been having a great laugh.
14:08I just think that actually everyone would like to get out of here and get something to eat and get
14:13home.
14:13Who can screech the loudest?
14:16Let's have a screeching competition.
14:19I'll go first.
14:22Jerry Fields, your go.
14:24I'd rather not, Father.
14:25Oh, go on.
14:27Easy, easy.
14:28I really think we should think about trying to get out here.
14:31God, Ted, maybe you're right. If we don't get out, we might have to ease each other.
14:35You know, like in that film Alive where they get into the plane crash and then they have to eat
14:40all their friends.
14:42Look, look, here's me eating Tony.
14:43Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
14:46And Tony would be going, oh, no, get off me. I'm not dead yet.
14:51And I'd be going, well, I'm hungry, Tony.
14:54And Tony would be going, oh, no, go away, go away, go away.
14:57Wouldn't you, Tony?
14:58Oh, oh, oh.
15:00And here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony.
15:05Oh, oh, oh.
15:08Why did you eat Tony? Tony was our only son.
15:11And then I'd be at the funeral.
15:15And I'd be going, oh, better not show my...
15:17Will you shut up?
15:18Will you?
15:19Will you please shut up?
15:21Will you shut up?
15:22Will you shut up?
15:22Shut up!
15:23Shut up!
15:31Well.
15:35Well, I've never.
15:41Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies.
15:49There.
15:51You're in for it now, Tony.
15:54Ha!
15:55Only joking.
15:56Look what I've really written.
16:00Come on, let's have someone else for the screeching competition.
16:03Janine Riley, oh, she'd love a girl.
16:06Go on, it's easy.
16:07Ah!
16:10I really wouldn't do that, Noel.
16:13Ah!
16:15Seriously, Noel.
16:17Ah!
16:26So, it was me, Father Thomas and Father Duggan.
16:30And you'd think, wouldn't you, that someone like Chris Evans
16:34wouldn't want to hang around with the likes of us.
16:37And you'd be right.
16:38He didn't want to hang around with us at all.
16:42Ted.
16:43I'm going mad.
16:47Yes, sorry, Noel.
16:48But are you not worried about being trapped under that big pile of rocks?
16:51Not at all.
16:53She wants you here to keep me company.
16:54And the youth group will be back with help at any moment.
16:57They said they were just going to find the tour guide,
17:00tell him I was buried under a big pile of rocks,
17:02and come right back.
17:03That's four tickets to Paraguay.
17:07But I liked the English patient.
17:12Very confusing and far-fetched and very, very boring.
17:16It was my kind of film.
17:19And I liked the piano as well.
17:21Did you see Harvey Gytel running around in the nip?
17:25Did you see that, Ted?
17:31Ted?
17:33Ted?
17:34I hate leaving Noel, but we're doing him no good sitting around
17:37listening to him screech.
17:38At least he'll be safe under that big pile of rocks.
17:42Let's just get ourselves out and we can worry about Noel then.
17:45God, where is this exit?
17:48Oh...
17:49Ah!
17:50Ted!
17:51Me tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!
17:55What?
17:57It's after unravelling.
18:01Oh, my God.
18:03Dougal.
18:06We can find our way back with this.
18:08You've obviously snagged her on something.
18:10If we use this, we can find our way out.
18:12Oh, thank God, Dougal!
18:14We'll be out in no time!
18:16Ted, should you be winding it up like that
18:18or should we not be following it?
18:20What?
18:20Well, what use will it be when you're finished winding it up?
18:27I don't believe it!
18:34I don't believe it!
18:36I don't believe it!
18:41I don't believe it!
18:43I don't believe it!
18:45I don't believe it!
18:46I don't believe it!
18:48I don't believe it!
18:50I don't believe it!
18:51I don't believe it!
18:54I don't believe it!
18:54I don't believe it!
18:55I don't believe it!
18:56I don't believe it!
18:57I don't believe it!
19:06Don't do it father. I won't let you do it. I know it hurts, but believe me, you're gonna thank
19:12me for that.
19:18Oh, thank God.
19:23Excuse me, there's someone buried in the caves. He's alright, but I really think you should get somebody in there
19:27quickly.
19:27Thank you. Please hurry. Come on, Dougal. I want to get away before the rescue.
19:48Come on, Dougal, relax. The food will be here in a minute.
19:55Hello? Hello. Is that Father Crilly?
19:58Yes, this is him. We've been trying to contact you all night. Do you know a Mrs. Doyle? First name,
20:04Mrs. Doyle.
20:16Yes, yes, she's our housekeeper. Well, I need you to come down to the police station. She's been in a
20:21spot of trouble.
20:23Now, Mrs. Dineen, if there's a fine or anything, I'll pay it.
20:29No, no, no, no, no. OK, thank you, Father.
20:32I'm a freshman, but that's your pardon.
20:36Father, heck it!
20:39Come on, Dougal, you're not gonna be able to eat that.
20:42We have to get Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Dineen.
20:46I'm Father Jack out of prison. Come on!
20:52I'm very, very sorry.
20:59You wouldn't have a lasagna or a chicken curry or something like that?
21:03No.
21:04OK. Well, maybe I'll just have a bag of chips and could have a fanta orange as well, please.
21:09I don't think you know where you are. This is a police station.
21:12Right. In that case, I'll just have the chicken satay and pilo rice.
21:18I just hope you don't think this type of thing goes on all the time.
21:20We're not all criminals and troublemakers in the church, you know.
21:24I hope this won't put you off going to mass.
21:26I'm a Protestant, actually, Father.
21:28Really?
21:32It's a straight choice, Father.
21:33Either they pay a £200 fine or they spend the night in the cells.
21:38Well, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me.
21:43Maybe in the circumstances, a night in the cells might be the better one.
21:49Hey, shut up, Dougal.
21:52Dougal, be quiet.
21:53All right! All right!
21:56Here. Here.
21:57Here's your blood money. But just let me say this.
21:59There was a time when the police in this country were friends in the church.
22:02Drunk driving charges quashed.
22:03Parking tickets torn up.
22:05Even a blind eye turned to the odd murder.
22:07But now, I knew he was satisfied.
22:10I gave him the money.
22:11Ted, Ted, why don't you give him the £200 of one of the best?
22:13Well, I did! There! Happy?
22:16Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of real people.
22:21Thank you so much.
22:24Right. To be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money.
22:28I was just going to say, your fly's open.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33APPLAUSE
22:46God, Dougal, what did I say? There's always trouble when I go to the mainland.
22:49I must make a note of never, ever going back there again.
22:52Unless it's completely unavoidable.
22:54Which it isn't.
22:56Unfortunately.
23:15I...
23:15To be...
23:17Believe it!
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19APPLAUSE
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