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Tv, Father Ted - S01E01 - Good Luck, Father Ted
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00:29I'll see you next time.
00:35Right, that's Tuesday dealt with.
00:37Let's take a look at Wednesday now.
00:40Half seven mass.
00:43I can take that.
00:46And, uh, maybe...
00:48Could you take the eight o'clock at all?
00:53Right, I can take that as well.
00:56Now, um, the half six evening mass on Sunday.
01:00Evening mass?
01:03It's too early.
01:04No problem, I can take that as well.
01:06I'll just make a note.
01:08Morning, Ted.
01:09Morning, Dougal.
01:12Uh, Dougal, there's, uh, there's some shaving cream just there.
01:17No, there's not, Ted, no, your gran.
01:21No, on you.
01:22Oh, where exactly, Ted?
01:24Just there, below your ear.
01:25Here?
01:26Yes, and there's a bit more...
01:29Gone.
01:30No, there's still just a tight...
01:32Dougal, it's all over the place.
01:35Oh, God.
01:36How on earth did all that get there?
01:38I didn't even shave this morning.
01:44So, what are we doing today, Ted?
01:47Confessions and mass and things like that, I suppose?
01:49Yes, Dougal, things like that.
01:53It's great being a priest, isn't it, Ted?
02:00God, it's lovely out.
02:05Oh, wait till I tell you, Ted.
02:06Fun land's coming to Craigie Island.
02:08It'll be here Saturday.
02:09Oh, yes, this is the fairground thing.
02:12I wouldn't have much interest in that type of thing myself, to be honest.
02:15They've got a spider baby.
02:19A what?
02:20A spider baby.
02:21You know, it's kind of a freak show thing.
02:22You know, it's got the body of a spider, but it's actually a baby.
02:31How is it a baby?
02:32Does it have a nappy on it or something?
02:36No.
02:37Well, does it have the head of a baby?
02:42Um, no.
02:45Well, if it looks like a spider, and it doesn't actually gurgle at you or anything,
02:49how do you know it's actually a baby?
02:52They keep it in a pram.
02:58Dougal, are you absolutely sure about this?
03:01You're not confusing it with the dream you had or anything?
03:04No, honestly, I saw it on the news.
03:06Honestly, I...
03:07Oh, wait now, actually.
03:09Now that you say it, it was a dream, yeah.
03:13Have you been studying this like I told you?
03:16Oh, I have, Ted, I have, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:19Sorry about that, but we should go anyway, Ted.
03:20Come on, it'll be great.
03:22Last year, I had to go with the horse riding, and it was just fantastic.
03:25I didn't know you could ride horses.
03:27Well, it wasn't a real horse, Ted, like...
03:30It was this old fellow with a saddle on him.
03:32You know?
03:35Oh, look.
03:36God, he must have been about 80, you know?
03:40Of course, he couldn't go very fast.
03:41Like, you know, I was kind of lashing him with the whip and all that.
03:44Couldn't get much of a response out of him, you know?
03:46Oh, and, uh, how long were you up on him?
03:49Oh, I'd say it was about, uh, about an hour.
03:55So, you were up on an 80-year-old man, riding him around and whipping him for 60 minutes.
04:02You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
04:05I know, Ted.
04:06Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
04:07Come on.
04:08We should go.
04:09No, I don't think I could take the excitement, to be honest.
04:12I suppose I'll just see if there's anything on the television, though.
04:19What type of a jumper is that, anyway?
04:21Well, basically, it's a...
04:34Maybe I'll just go and study the old diagram.
04:41Hello, Father.
04:42Ted Crilly speaking.
04:42Hello, Father.
04:44Sorry to disturb you.
04:45My name is Terry McNamee.
04:47I'm producing the programme Faith of Our Fathers for Talley Aaron at the moment.
04:51We're doing a special on priests who work in isolated communities,
04:54and I was wondering if you'd be interested in talking to us.
04:56Well, that's...
04:57That's very, um...
04:59That's, um, very exciting.
05:01Faith of Our Fathers is my favourite programme, you know.
05:03Well, you were the first person we thought of.
05:06If you were interested, I could come over,
05:08and we could give you a small fee for your trouble.
05:10Well, that must say...
05:11Who's that, Ted?
05:11Uh, no-one.
05:13No-one?
05:13Hello.
05:14Father Crilly?
05:15No.
05:15Must be someone, Ted.
05:17Just a moment.
05:23Sorry.
05:23Oh, quick question.
05:24How exactly do you get to Craggy Island, Father?
05:27It doesn't seem to be on any maps.
05:29No, it wouldn't be on any maps now, Terry.
05:31We're not exactly New York.
05:33No, the best way to find it is generally to head out from Galway
05:35and go slightly north till you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol on the side.
05:39They go very close to the island when they're dumping the old glow-in-the-dark.
05:43One thing.
05:44Are there any other priests living there with you?
05:46Our researcher doesn't mention anyone else.
05:49Um, well, uh, no.
05:51There's no-one else here.
05:53I'll see you on Saturday, then.
05:55I'll give you a call when I get there.
05:57Bye.
06:18The answer back, Ted.
06:21Never turn on the television when Father Jack's asleep.
06:24You know how he is.
06:25But he's always asleep.
06:28Yes, well, anyone who's served the church as long as he has deserves a rest.
06:32It's actually quite an honour for us to look after him in his old age, you know.
06:38Look at him.
06:39Dreaming of past glories, no doubt.
06:44Girls, pay attention.
06:46We've got a special treat today.
06:48Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take him all for volleyball practice.
06:53Oh, you're right, Father.
06:54And he's just reminded me that it's very warm today, so there'll be no need for your tracksuit tops.
07:12Hello.
07:15Father Dougal McGuire here.
07:17And welcome to this week's Top of the Pops.
07:20And in at number 45 this week is Father Ted Crilly with I've Got the Power.
07:24And at number 15 for the 16th week in a row is Father Jack Hackett with I'm a Sleepy Priest.
07:32How did that gobshite get on the television?
07:38And at number 15 for the 16th week in a row is the television broken again, Father?
07:44Yes, we had a bit of trouble with...
07:45There's nothing wrong with it that can't be fixed with a bit of you-know-what in the head department.
07:51Now then, who's for tea?
07:53Me, please, Mrs Doyle.
07:55Tea!
07:55Fick!
07:58I'm fine, Mrs Doyle.
07:59You won't have a cup.
08:01Ah, no, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
08:02Honestly, I won't have a cup.
08:03Are you sure now it's hot?
08:04No, I'm not in the mood.
08:05Thanks.
08:06All right, so...
08:07Aghawan, would you not have a drop?
08:09No, thanks anyway, Mrs Doyle.
08:10Just a little cup.
08:10I'm fine.
08:11Aghawan.
08:11I'll tell you what, Father.
08:13I'll pour a cup for you anyway.
08:14Ah!
08:15And you can have it if you want.
08:17Now.
08:20And what do you say to a cup?
08:22Fake off, cup!
08:25He loves his cup of tea.
08:28Fake off!
08:29There you go.
08:30Fake off!
08:32Father Crilly, I nearly forgot.
08:34There was a phone call earlier from a Terry McNamee.
08:37Ah, right.
08:37Who's that, Ted?
08:38I've never heard of him.
08:39He's something to do with, uh, wasn't it the television?
08:42Yes, he's coming to fix the television.
08:44Yeah, well, he'll be here tomorrow at 12.
08:45Grand.
08:51Yeah, it's good you called someone, Ted.
08:56Still not working.
09:01You're simply the best.
09:03Do-do-do-do.
09:04Better than all the rest.
09:06Do-do-do-do-do.
09:08Go, Ted, you frightened the life out of me there.
09:11You were, uh, doing the old pop star thing there, Dougal.
09:13I was, Ted, yeah.
09:16It was great being on television today.
09:18I think I've caught the old telly bug.
09:20Well, if you went to bed now and get some sleep, you'd only get overtired.
09:31Do you ever want to get into television yourself, Ted?
09:34Ah, no, I...
09:35I wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing, really.
09:38Right, uh, yeah, I don't think you'd be much good at it, actually.
09:41What?
09:42Why not?
09:43Well, you know, you're a bit serious, aren't you?
09:45And your eyes are a bit crossed.
09:48Yeah, they're a bit wonky, Ted.
09:49You know, the cameras can pick that up, you know.
09:51I am not cross-eyed, Dougal.
09:53Ah, you're a bit now, Ted.
09:55Sure, half the time I don't know if you're talking to me or father, Jack.
09:59Dougal, why don't you just get some sleep?
10:01Right.
10:02Just have to say the old prayers?
10:09Our father, who art in heaven.
10:16Hallowed.
10:19Hallowed be thy...
10:21name.
10:24Papa, don't preach.
10:29Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep.
10:32Can you, Ted?
10:33Yes, it's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.
10:36God, there's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there, Ted?
10:39Like that time you told me to praise him by, you know, just leaving the room.
10:44That was a good one, yes.
10:53Ted.
10:55Hmm?
10:56Ted.
10:58Yes.
10:59Knock, knock.
11:04Who's there?
11:06Father Dougal Maguire.
11:08Good night, Dougal.
11:14I can hear you a bit better now.
11:15That's...
11:16Yeah, sure, sure.
11:17Yeah.
11:20You made it then, yeah?
11:21I think so.
11:23There's no indication that it is Craggy Island.
11:25There's no signs or anything.
11:27Is there a man looking at you with a t-shirt saying,
11:30I shot J.R.?
11:35Actually, there is.
11:37Ah, you're here so, yeah.
11:39What?
11:39The line is very bad, Father.
11:41You're a bit muffled.
11:42I'm on a portable phone.
11:43You caught me by surprise when you phone me, you know.
11:45I'm on the toilet.
11:48Right.
11:49So, er...
11:50So, where can we meet?
11:52Anywhere we can get a few good shots?
11:54Any local landmarks?
11:55No.
11:56What?
11:57No, there are no landmarks here now, Terry.
11:59None at all?
12:00No, no, the island itself is a kind of landmark, really.
12:03For ships and that.
12:04The general rule is if you're heading away from it,
12:07you're going in the right direction.
12:08Right, so, er...
12:09There's the field.
12:11Oh, a field.
12:13Well, that sounds...
12:13Well, it's not a field, really,
12:15but it has less rocks in it than most places.
12:17Never mind, Father.
12:18I'll meet you at the field.
12:19Now, how do I get there?
12:21Ask Tom there.
12:22He'll help you out.
12:23Right, Father.
12:24Thanks.
12:30Tom!
12:38Holy Mary, Mother of God!
12:45God, Ted, I'm so sorry.
12:47It was just a joke.
12:50Try to avoid doing that again, Dougal.
12:52I thought it was really herself.
12:55It's the last thing I need.
12:57You're right there, Ted.
13:01Anyway, it's time for Jack's walk.
13:03Time for your walk, Father Jack.
13:05It's you!
13:07Off along the cliffs.
13:09Can I bring him to fun land, Ted?
13:11He'd love that.
13:12No, he wouldn't.
13:13Take him around the cliffs.
13:15And this time,
13:16if you're going near the edge,
13:17put on the brakes.
13:17He was only just lucky the last time.
13:21Erm, you're not coming yourself?
13:23Ah, no, I think I'll stay here
13:25and pray for a while.
13:29Oh, what are you after, Ted?
13:31I'm not after anything, Dougal.
13:34It's not unknown for members of the clergy
13:35to pray from time to time.
13:38Here we are, Father Crilly.
13:40Get out of the way!
13:41Oh, there's nothing Father Hackett likes
13:42more than to get out and about in the fresh air.
13:44Get out of the way!
13:45Come on, you're running.
13:46Oh, you're in.
13:47Oh, you're in.
13:48Oh, you're in.
13:49Come on, you're in.
14:01Oh, you're in.
14:05That's it.
14:06That's it.
14:06That's it.
14:06Now, in you go.
14:07Oh, it's not better, but man.
14:09This will keep me nice and warm.
14:11I've got a trickier yard run.
14:14Oh.
14:15Let's go.
14:22There, too.
14:24Bye, then.
14:25Every single day, the same thing.
14:27Now, once he's out, there is a great time.
14:28He loves them old cliffs.
14:30Well, I'll be off then, Father.
14:32What are you up to yourself?
14:33Oh, I think I'll just stay here
14:34and have a bit of an old parade.
14:35All right, so.
14:36Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
15:00Patrons are reminded that the harping facilities
15:03are unavailable.
15:04And that's a reminder
15:06of the unavailability
15:08of the harping facilities.
15:10I know the bloody thing was on here.
15:11Hello, Father.
15:13Hello, Tom.
15:14Tell your lads, did you get them here all right?
15:16I did, yeah.
15:17I'm going to film a bit of the island first.
15:19They'll be back soon.
15:20Right, so.
15:21I'll just wait in the field, so.
15:22Father.
15:23Yes, Tom.
15:24I've killed a man.
15:25I've killed you, Tom.
15:26I'll have to talk to you about that later.
15:28I'm doing an interview for the television.
15:31A little boy has been lost.
15:34I can't.
15:41Keep your hands on the sides.
15:44A child has now been found.
15:48A fat, smelly cow.
15:50Tits, mate.
15:51You have a face like a parrot, too.
15:53Well, at least that's not fair between us.
15:57Hello, Mary.
15:58Ah, hello, Father.
16:00Hello, John.
16:01Could you have a pack of toffos, Father?
16:03No, thanks.
16:03I'll have to meet someone now.
16:05Actually, I'm going to be interviewed for a television programme.
16:07Oh, really?
16:08Ah, that's fantastic.
16:09You know, Father, I think you'll be brilliant on television.
16:13Well, thank you.
16:14Oh, I'd say you'll be more than a match for Gabe Ordon or Terry Wogan or any of them.
16:19It's going to take me a few weeks to get to their level.
16:22I have to go on.
16:22I'm trying to track down this film unit,
16:24and they'll probably want to do a few close-ups and master shots and noddies and that sort of thing.
16:28They'll go on to be late on set, get a reputation as a sort of Marilyn Monroe type.
16:32See you soon.
16:33Look, Father, Ted.
16:36Get them feckin' crunchies out of that camera.
16:58Ted, Ted, over here, Ted.
17:01Come here, look at me.
17:02Ted.
17:03Hey, Ted.
17:04What are you doing here, anyway?
17:06I thought you weren't interested in this type of thing.
17:08You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.
17:10Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the day.
17:14How could the cliffs be closed, Doodle?
17:16OK, no, it wasn't that.
17:18They were gone.
17:20The cliffs were gone.
17:21How could they just disappear?
17:24Erosion.
17:25Come on off that.
17:26I'm straight to the cliffs with you.
17:27There's just another couple of turns to go, I think.
17:29Look.
17:50Now, you're straight home, do you hear?
17:53I don't want to hear any more nonsense.
17:55Everyone else is here.
17:56Dougal, you're a priest.
17:57You're supposed to show some decorum.
17:59I wish I wasn't a priest.
18:00What?
18:01I wish I wasn't a priest.
18:03Dougal!
18:03Jack, how'd you say that?
18:04Sure, he told me one time he doesn't even believe in God.
18:07Dougal!
18:26Ted, Ted, can I go on the crane of the dead, Ted?
18:28The what?
18:29The crane of the dead.
18:30It's called that because there was a young fella killed on it last year.
18:33Come on, Ted.
18:33It'll be really good.
18:34Look, I'm sick and tired of your capital.
18:36Ted, look, there's a fortune teller.
18:37Come on, we'll have one go in there.
18:39Don't waste your money on that stuff, Dougal.
18:40Oh, Ted, you never know.
18:41There might be something in it.
18:43It's rubbish.
18:43How could anybody believe any of that sort of nonsense?
18:45Come on, Ted.
18:46There's no more peculiar than that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know?
18:49Heaven and hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing.
18:51You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted.
18:53Dougal, you are so too meant to take it seriously.
18:56Are you?
18:57Yes!
18:57What?
18:58Heaven and hell and everlasting life?
18:59Yes, of course!
19:02But, Dougal, if I let you go in, will you go home straight after that?
19:05I will, I will.
19:06I promise, Ted.
19:07All right.
19:07Great.
19:11Hello.
19:12Let's go, Ted.
19:14What's wrong?
19:14I'm scared.
19:15Oh, for pity's sake, but I'll do it and you can watch.
19:17Hello there.
19:18Sit.
19:19All right.
19:20First, you must cross my pan with silver.
19:22Silver?
19:23I don't carry huge bags of it around me.
19:25Give me a pound.
19:29Now, I'll interpret one card at a time, please.
19:34Be careful.
19:41I wasn't concentrating.
19:42Perhaps I could pick another.
19:43No, no.
19:44This is a common misunderstanding.
19:46The Grim Reaper doesn't mean death in a literal sense.
19:49Rather, it may mean the death of an old way of life and the beginning of a new one.
19:55I know what that is.
19:56It's probably about a new lamp I'm getting for my bicycle.
20:00Aye, please.
20:05Good.
20:05Good.
20:06Well, it will all become clear at the next card.
20:13This is really weird.
20:15There's only supposed to be one in each pack.
20:23Hello, Tom.
20:24Is Father Crilly around yet?
20:25He is, yeah.
20:26He's in Dale.
20:27That's a nasty scar you've got there, Tom.
20:29Where did you get that?
20:30I was, uh...
20:32In an argument.
20:34Oh.
20:34I hope you won.
20:36I certainly did.
20:38That's not.
20:39I've had worse than that.
20:42Do you believe me own dog did that to me?
20:45Doesn't it look like a face?
20:50Siobhan is a professional tent.
20:52Where's the father jacket?
20:53You'll have to get him home.
20:53It's nearly five in time for his drink.
20:55You go that way.
20:56I'll go this way.
20:57Okay.
20:57That's Siobhan is a professional tent to re-heat the hamburgers.
21:01Come on now, Father.
21:02We'd better be off.
21:03Come on.
21:04Come on.
21:05Father.
21:06Father.
21:08There you are, Father.
21:09We got here at last.
21:11Father.
21:12Father.
21:13Dead to the world.
21:14You don't know what's going on.
21:17Jen.
21:18Right.
21:19It's time for your drink.
21:20Come on.
21:20Jen, Frank.
21:21Come on.
21:22Ah!
21:24Are you lads from...
21:25From...
21:26From the television?
21:27Well, yes.
21:30We'll just ask you a few questions.
21:32What?
21:33Am I going to be on the telly?
21:34Well, yes.
21:36We'll start off with the history of the island.
21:38Then move on to how life has changed for the islanders.
21:41Economically and socially.
21:42Then perhaps see us.
21:48Action.
21:49Father.
21:50How would you say that people's religious beliefs here on Craggy Island have been affected by the advent of television
21:55and greater access to the media in general?
21:58Drink!
21:58No, they're talking to do this.
22:01I've got to think of something.
22:03Think to it.
22:03Drink!
22:04Drink!
22:05Drink!
22:13There I am.
22:14It's me.
22:14Look, I'm on the telly.
22:16You know, God.
22:17Does he really exist?
22:19I mean, who knows?
22:20Like, I don't know.
22:22Personally, I don't even believe in organised religion.
22:27I know, it's great, isn't it?
22:30Spider baby.
22:31It's got the body of a spider, but the mind of a baby.
22:38It wouldn't really bite you unless it got a bit older.
22:44I know.
22:44I can't believe it either.
22:45I'm on the television.
22:49Dropshade again!
22:51He's never off the air!
23:00A child has been lodged in the Tunnel of Goats.
23:05If we could have a nurse, please, to the Tunnel of Goats.
23:13A goat and a child have now become lodged together.
23:17And a nurse has become involved in the incident.
23:23And another nurse is required to release the nurse we asked for previously.
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