- 17 hours ago
Tv, Father Ted - S01E02 - Entertaining Father Stone
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Short filmTranscript
00:04Ted, if you had three wishes, what would it be?
00:07Three wishes? God, I don't know, really.
00:10I suppose the first one would be world peace.
00:13And then maybe an end to hunger.
00:17And, er...
00:21More money for hospitals and that type of thing.
00:25Fair enough, Ted.
00:26And yourself, Dougal, what would your three wishes be?
00:28Oh, Lord, I don't know. No, I'm happy enough, really.
00:31Really? You wouldn't want anything at all?
00:32No, I don't think so.
00:34I can't think of anything, anyway.
00:38You wouldn't, say, want, er...
00:40A big car to drive around in?
00:42Oh, wow!
00:44That'd be fantastic!
00:46Driving around in a big car, that'd be one, yeah!
00:48Oh, brilliant!
00:53And what would be your second wish?
00:55Oh, no, that'd be fine, no, the car'd be fine.
00:59I wouldn't like to be a rock star or something, like Elvis.
01:02Oh, God, yeah!
01:04I'd love to be a rock star like Elvis or something!
01:07Oh, that'd be brilliant!
01:13So, er...
01:14Your third wish, if you had one?
01:16Oh, no, no, that'd be fine, no.
01:18If I had a big car and I was Elvis, that'd be grand.
01:23You wouldn't, like, say, um...
01:26This cup?
01:28Oh, God, yeah!
01:30I'd love that cup!
01:32If I had that cup and I was Elvis and I was in a big car,
01:35that'd be fantastic!
01:38You've never had much of an imagination, have you, Dugan?
01:41No, you're right there, Ted.
01:45No, you're right there, Ted.
02:09No, you're right there, Ted.
02:11No, you're right there, Ted.
02:36Are you sure you won't have some tea, Paul?
02:39No, I'm fine
02:49Right
02:52Would you like me to turn on the television?
02:56No, thanks, I'm fine
02:59Right
03:07Have you seen Father Shortwell at all recently?
03:11No
03:13I was thinking, what would he be? Would he be 80 now?
03:17I suppose so
03:19Oh, Dougal, you wanted to have a word, fair enough, won't be a moment, see you in a minute, Father
03:26What's up with you, Ted?
03:27Who's that?
03:27I had to get out of there
03:28Who is it, Ted?
03:31Now, Dougal, don't overreact
03:33Fair enough
03:39Right
03:42It's Father Stone
03:45Dougal, get up
03:46Oh, Ted, no, not him
03:47It's him, all right
03:49God almighty
03:49I know
03:51Why didn't you tell him not to come, Ted? You said you would, you promised after the last time
03:54I tried, but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache
03:57Oh my God, I hate it
03:59Those awful protracted silences
04:01Why didn't you lie to him?
04:03I did
04:04I told him great big massive lies with fecking bells hanging off them
04:09But you know what it's like
04:10It's like trying to ask the holy mother to stop appearing to schoolgirls at Balance Bittle
04:15Oh God
04:15Right, Dougal, you're going to have to keep me cocky
04:17Oh, no
04:18Dougal!
04:18No!
04:22Back again
04:24Oh, sorry, Paul
04:26You remember Dougal
04:28Ah, yes
04:29Of course you do, Sue
04:30You must be coming here
04:31How many years is it now?
04:33A few, anyway
04:34Six
04:35Six years
04:38Every summer
04:40So
04:41What time are you going back tomorrow?
04:43I might stay
04:45What?
04:47I say I might stay
04:48How long?
04:50Oh, I don't know
04:50A few weeks, maybe
04:53A few weeks?
04:54Sorry about that, Ted
04:55Fell over
04:58Tea, fathers
04:59Any one for a nice couple
05:02Oh, no, it's Father Stone
05:06Do you not have to get back to your parish?
05:09No
05:09Not for a while, anyway
05:13Right, it's just that there's a problem in that
05:17Dougal and I were thinking of doing something
05:18What was it we were thinking of doing, Dougal?
05:20The thing there
05:21Yes, yes
05:22What was the thing we were going to do together?
05:23Yes
05:24What was it?
05:25The thing
05:27Big thing it was
05:28Oh, um
05:32Holidays
05:33Going on holidays
05:38That's fine
05:39I'll mind the place
05:40Wait
05:41Wait, wait
05:42It wasn't that we were going on holidays at all
05:43It was something else we were going to do
05:45That means no one can stay in the house
05:48What was it?
05:49What was it?
05:51We were going to
05:54Have the paintings rehung?
05:55Oh, brilliant
05:56Brilliant memory there
05:58Have you noticed?
05:59They're all crooked
06:00I mean, what type of an angle is that?
06:02It's mad angle
06:03So you can't stay here
06:04It's too dangerous
06:06See?
06:07Couldn't be here
06:08While people are shifting paintings all around the place
06:11So where will you go?
06:14Hotel, probably
06:16That's fine
06:16I'll go with you
06:20Sorry, Paul
06:20I just have to sort something out with Dougal
06:24Oh, God
06:25Oh, God
06:26Think, Dougal
06:28Think
06:32All right, I'll do the thinking
06:33Ted
06:34Jack
06:36Oh, God
06:38If he sees him
06:40Christ almighty
06:40I'll have to break it to him gently
06:42Look
06:44You take Paul out
06:45And I'll go
06:46Oh, you're not leaving me alone with him, Ted
06:48Dougal
06:49Oh, no, Ted
06:50Now, sorry about that
06:50I just can't now
06:51There's no way
06:53So, um
06:53Are you going to tell Jack?
06:56I'll get me coat
06:58Um, Paul
07:01Dougal's going for a walk
07:02Would you like to join him?
07:04No, I'm fine
07:06Are you sure you won't go?
07:07It's lovely
07:08No, thanks
07:08No, I'm fine
07:09Well, it's just that Dougal wants to show you something
07:11It's very important
07:12Is it?
07:14Yes
07:14Very, very important
07:15This could be the most important thing you'll ever see
07:18Yeah?
07:18Yes
07:20Right
07:21So you'll go, so
07:23No, I'm fine, thanks
07:25I'll see you again sometime
07:26Well, to be honest
07:27It's not that Dougal wants to show you something
07:29It's that
07:31There's a fire in the house
07:32And you'll have to leave
07:35A fire?
07:36Yes
07:36I didn't want to get you into a panic
07:38Because it's only a small fire
07:39But it could spread
07:40And if you died in it
07:41I'd never forgive myself
07:43So if you just go with Dougal
07:44I'll fight the blaze
07:45Right, so
07:46You're going?
07:48Oh, yeah
07:48There's a fire
07:50Great!
07:52Don't worry about me
07:53Drop a water and do the trick
08:10So, uh, have you seen Father Shortall lately?
08:15No
08:20I, uh, I suppose he must be about 80 now
08:23I, uh, I suppose so
08:34Father
08:36Father, are you awake?
08:40Father
08:40Father, we have a visitor
08:50So, how's everything then?
08:54All right
08:57Take off!
09:01This is a back draft
09:02It's nearly all
09:21Jack going to bed then, Ted
09:23Yes, he was a little tired
09:35Right, well, I, uh, suppose my bath will be ready by now
09:49Oh, God
09:51Oh, God
10:15Can I help you, Paul?
10:17No
10:18Fine
10:21I'm, um
10:23Having a bath
10:26It's just that I wanted to go to the toilet
10:28Oh
10:29Right, well, go ahead
10:43Thank you
11:03Ah! Time for bed!
11:08It's only half seven.
11:10Yes, but I have to be up at eleven in the morning.
11:15Dougal, you'd better get some rest, too.
11:27I can't take much more of this, Ted.
11:28I know, I know.
11:31Six years. You'd think that by now he'd have got the message.
11:34Do you remember that time, Ted, when we knew he was coming and we pretended to be in Rome?
11:40God, yeah, that was amazing. Anyone else would go, fair enough, and just not turn up.
11:46Five days in the attic.
11:52No food, no water, rats everywhere.
11:57If only we'd thought of it this year.
11:59How did you meet him in the first place?
12:02He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dugan.
12:04We were at a conference.
12:06Dugan came up and said,
12:07this is Father Stone,
12:08and ran out of the building.
12:11Just ran straight out of the building.
12:14So we started talking.
12:15Well, I started talking. You know the way he is.
12:18And just to break the silence, I invited him to stay.
12:21You know, just for something to say.
12:22The next day, the next day,
12:24he arrived on the island.
12:27God, if he'd only say something.
12:28Well, he just sits there.
12:30I mean, what does he get out of it?
12:32Well, I hope he's gone before your birthday party anyway.
12:35Oh, he'll be long gone by then.
12:37What is it?
12:38Three weeks away?
12:57Good God, look at the time.
12:59I'd better be going, Ted.
13:01Oh.
13:02And you need a lift?
13:06Dugan!
13:14Dugan!
13:15Dugan!
13:16Dugan!
13:18Dugan!
13:20Dugan!
13:21Dugan!
13:21Please, please get rid of him.
13:24I don't care how you're doing.
13:25Just, please get rid of myself.
13:28Dugan!
13:29DO YOU WANT MONEY?
13:31Any thing you want.
13:33Name any charity.
13:34Dugan!
13:35Let us get rid of them!
13:36Dugan!
13:37Dugan!
13:49Maybe we should go home, Ted.
13:51Think about it, Dougal.
13:53Think about who's sitting in the living room.
13:55Oh, yeah, I think it's clearing up now, anyway.
14:00Some little thing's blown over there, Ted.
14:02Never mind, just have your go.
14:05Golf?
14:05Yeah?
14:06Oh, girl.
14:07Ah, yeah.
14:09Crazy golf, Paul.
14:10Not exactly the U.S. Masters.
14:12No.
14:13Will you have a go, Paul?
14:15Oh, no.
14:16Aye, you will.
14:16Sure, it's great fun, isn't it, Dougal?
14:17Oh, yeah, Ted.
14:18Fantastic.
14:18You'll have a go.
14:19No, no.
14:20Go on, sure.
14:20It's even easier now that the windmill's not in the way.
14:22There you go.
14:23Give it a real go.
14:24What's the worst thing can happen?
14:32Oh, God, Dougal, it's all my fault.
14:34Don't be silly, Ted.
14:36So, what did you do?
14:36You'll pray for him to be hit by lightning?
14:40No, of course not.
14:41I asked him to intervene in some way, but this is a bit much.
14:45What are you thinking of?
14:48Who would have thought they'd been hit by lightning would land you in hospital?
14:51What?
14:54What?
14:55What are you talking about?
14:56Of course it can land you in hospital.
14:57Well, it's not usually serious, is it, Ted?
15:00I mean, I was hit by lightning a few times.
15:01I never had to go to hospital.
15:04Yes, Dougal, but you're different from most people.
15:07All that happened to you was balloons kept sticking to you.
15:14God, I hate hospitals.
15:16Do you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in hospitals?
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:24They all come here, Ted.
15:25Of course, you're a goner the minute you walk in through the door.
15:27You know, I prefer to take my chances in the real world, Ted.
15:29You know, no matter how sick I was, I'd never go under the hammer.
15:32Under the knife, Dougal.
15:35Under the hammer's auctioneering.
15:36Oh, right, yeah.
15:39Do you remember that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly
15:42and the fly's head is transplanted onto the man?
15:45Oh, yes.
15:45What was that called?
15:46Out of Africa, I think.
15:47Anyway.
15:50You know, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place
15:54and, you know, she's trying to hide the jam and everything so he won't get stuck on it
15:59and that kind of thing.
15:59I have to stop you there, Dougal.
16:01Yes, Ted?
16:02No reason.
16:03I just have to stop you.
16:04There he is.
16:06What is it today, Doctor?
16:08We don't know.
16:09I think it's a combination of baby sham and harpic.
16:13Probably all that was left after the party.
16:17Father Stone's been in there a long time, hasn't he?
16:19Do you think he's dead?
16:22Probably doing tests.
16:23What sort of tests?
16:24General knowledge.
16:27No.
16:29Won't get much out of him in that condition.
16:31No, no medical tests.
16:33So what would he know about that, Ted?
16:40There he goes.
16:41He can move when he wants to.
16:43You stupid bastard.
16:45You've really done it this time.
16:46You started it, you slag.
16:48The next time I finish the job, I...
16:51Oh, father's.
16:53Hello, John.
16:53Hello, Mary.
16:54Oh, hello.
16:56Well, what are you doing here, father?
16:58Um, a friend of ours had a bit of an accident.
17:00Oh, dear.
17:02What happened to you?
17:02That looks nasty.
17:03Ah, sure, it's nothing, father.
17:05It's just a headache.
17:08I don't know why I bothered coming, really.
17:14Is that blood?
17:15Oh, God, no, no.
17:17I don't think so.
17:19I just got a slight nick with a knife when Mary was putting the bandage on.
17:24It's, uh, it's not a stab wound.
17:27Sure, he's fine.
17:28You look like you've been in the wards yourself, Mary.
17:31Ah, it's only a sprain, father.
17:32It's nothing.
17:33I slipped in a bag of coal.
17:34It's not broken.
17:35If it is, sure, what the hell.
17:37Ah, well, I, uh, I hope your friend gets better.
17:41And next time I'll friggin' make sure...
17:43Shut up, you old bitch!
17:46They're a lovely couple, though, aren't they?
17:47John and Mary.
17:49Ah, they are all right.
17:50Oh!
17:56How much longer are they going to be in there?
17:59I want to tell you we hardly even know him when you think about it.
18:01Does he have much of a family?
18:03Yes, uh, his parents are alive.
18:06And he has a brother, I think.
18:08A doctor in America.
18:09A doctor, wow.
18:10You wouldn't believe that, would you?
18:12But that used to be quite common, you know.
18:13The favourite son would become a doctor.
18:16And then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
18:20Your brother's a doctor, isn't he?
18:21Yes.
18:24Ah, doctor, how's the patient?
18:26He's hanging in there.
18:27It's mostly shock.
18:28Great, well, that's not serious.
18:29Well, it's quite serious.
18:30A bolt of lightning can do a lot of damage.
18:33Can it?
18:33Yes.
18:34His reactions are very poor at the moment.
18:36He's always been like that.
18:37Very poor reactions.
18:38That's normal for him.
18:39Actually, he's not reacting at all to any stimulus.
18:43Again, I wouldn't worry about it.
18:44That's always the right thing.
18:45Look, father, I'm a doctor.
18:47And I know that it's not normal to fail to react to stimulus.
18:51Ah, I'm sure it is.
18:52Look, look, look, look at this.
18:55You see?
18:55It's a thing with priests.
18:57We have our minds on more spiritual matters.
18:59So I wouldn't worry about it.
19:02Well, no, I think I will worry about it.
19:05Oh, God, OK.
19:07Can we see him?
19:08I'd like to say a prayer.
19:09Yes, all right, father.
19:11This way.
19:16As you can see, we still haven't been able to remove the golf club.
19:21Why isn't he in bed?
19:22It's hard to get him into a comfortable position when he's in that stance.
19:27But you're right.
19:28He's been on his feet long enough.
19:30Looks like a trophy.
19:33He does a bit.
19:34I'm sorry.
19:34I only just heard Paul.
19:38Oh.
19:38Come on, Mrs Stone.
19:40We've got to get him into bed.
19:41Father, could you?
19:45You must be Father Crilly.
19:48Yes, I am.
19:49Oh, God bless you, Father.
19:51Father, God bless you.
19:53Oh, Father, this is my husband, Dermot.
19:55Oh, God, Father, it's terrible.
19:57Father, it's terrible.
19:58God, forgive me for using the Lord's name in fame, but Jesus Christ, isn't it terrible?
20:03It is.
20:03Oh, I tell you, Father, I tell you, I couldn't have said it better meself.
20:09Terrible is the word, Father.
20:10Terrible.
20:11I tell you, Father, terrible is too small a word.
20:14Oh, God, Father, it is too small a word.
20:16Will you look at what you've done to your mother, you lazy little bastard?
20:20You're useless.
20:20You're not going to have to kill you.
20:22Now, Mr Stone.
20:22Oh, now, Father, I'm sorry him causing you all this trouble.
20:26God, forgive me for saying this, but wouldn't have been better if he'd have been killed.
20:31And herself all upset.
20:34Jesus, Father, what you must think of him.
20:36And us for bringing him into the world.
20:38And now, Mr Stone.
20:39I'm going out for a drink, Father.
20:40Will you join me?
20:41No, I think I should stay here for the moment.
20:43Fair enough, then.
20:44See you later, all right?
20:46And this is Mammy.
20:47Hello.
20:52I know what you're up to.
20:55God, you know, Father, Paul thinks the world of you.
20:59Oh, indeed, he does.
21:00He never stops talking about you.
21:03Father Ted says this, Father Ted says that.
21:06He worships you, Father.
21:09Really?
21:09He comes back from Craggy Island and he's counting the days until he can go back again.
21:14Literally.
21:15Look.
21:17He has a chart.
21:19And he crosses off the days as they pass by.
21:22And right down at the bottom of the chart, Father, is a photograph of yourself.
21:27Oh, God.
21:27And he does paintings as well, Father.
21:30He did this one for you.
21:36Oh, Lord.
21:38Oh, God.
21:39What is it?
21:40It's his heart.
21:41To do something.
21:43Oh, oh.
21:44Oh, Dougal.
21:46Dougal.
21:50Dougal.
21:50Dougal.
21:51Mr. Stone, could you come with me?
21:54I need you to fill out some forms.
21:55Oh, well, is he going to be all right?
21:56We're doing all we can, but he is quite ill.
21:59Just hope for the best.
22:00All right, Doctor.
22:02Come on, Mammy.
22:07The old woman, she knows.
22:08She knows it's all my fault.
22:10How would she know that?
22:11They have ways.
22:12Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be.
22:15They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore.
22:17They've got the direct line.
22:19She knows all right.
22:20And who could blame her for being angry with me?
22:22It's all my fault.
22:22Why did I do it?
22:24Oh, God.
22:25Please.
22:28Bring him back.
22:29I never meant you to take him away.
22:30There was no need for the lightning.
22:32You know I didn't mean that.
22:33That was just silly.
22:34Please.
22:35Please, God.
22:36Bring him back.
22:37And I swear, we look after him.
22:39He can stay as long as he wants.
22:41Ah, now, Ted.
22:42Shut up, Dougal.
22:44Please.
22:45I swear, I look after him for the rest of my days.
22:48Please, just do this one thing.
22:52Ah, come on.
22:53Please.
22:54Please.
22:55I swear.
22:58Paul.
22:59You're back.
23:00Oh, Lord.
23:01It's a miracle.
23:02Doctor.
23:04Paul.
23:05Can I get you anything at all?
23:08No.
23:09Fine.
23:20I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear,
23:27I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear
23:50I love you.
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