- 17 hours ago
Tv, Father Ted S03E01 Are You Right There, Father Ted
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:10What about Tuesday? Can you do the 11 o'clock mass?
00:14Ted, I'll do the 11 and the 12. You should have a rest after that weekend away.
00:20Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me.
00:24I'm off for a game. Ted, care to join me?
00:27No thanks, Darren.
00:27What time are we going to the curry for the races?
00:30I suppose after lunch.
00:31Oh, Mrs. Dunne hopes you'll like pheasant.
00:35I love pheasant.
00:38This is what it's all about.
00:40A fine port, beautiful surroundings, and intelligent company.
00:46Did you not have all that at your last parish?
00:50No.
00:52Dublin seems to suit you, though.
00:54You've got a newfound gleam in your eye.
00:57Ah, yes, I should be staying here for a good while.
00:59As long as I don't mess it up for myself by doing something stupid.
01:03Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith.
01:05But I wonder, could I ask Father Crelny about one or two of these things that he's put down under
01:11expenses?
01:14Ted!
01:14Ted!
01:15Ted!
01:17Ted!
01:19Ted!
01:25Ted!
01:31Ted!
01:33Ted!
01:36Ted!
01:38Ted!
01:39Ted!
01:39Ted!
01:45Ted!
01:51Ted!
02:00kept repeating
02:02Ted!
02:03Ted!
02:07Ted!
02:08Ted!
02:10No. He's had to use the wheel ever since he rode this into his feed tray.
02:16But don't worry, Ted. I think there's just something wrong with the brakes.
02:37How long has Father Jack been living in there?
02:40He started just a few days after you left.
02:43Maybe he's agro-phobic.
02:45Jack's scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
02:56Mrs Doyle just fell off the roof.
03:01I think I'll go out, Dougal, and visit Father Fitzpatrick.
03:04I think he has a book belonging to me.
03:09Let's see, now. Humanae Vitae.
03:12You know, sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come.
03:18Celebration of the Christian Mysteries, Deus Carnida, Ventimepulo.
03:23Ah. Stephen King's The Shining.
03:28Well, thanks for the tea, Father. See you the next time. We, um...
03:35We, uh...
03:36Sorry about this, Father. I hope you don't mind me asking, but, um...
03:39What have you got a padlock on that door for?
03:42Is there something top secret in there?
03:44My collection.
03:45Oh, yes, that's right. What is this you collect? It's war memorabilia.
03:48That's right. Would you like to have a look?
03:50I'd love to.
04:02Taken from the German advance on Russia, you can see where the hammer hits the shell casing.
04:07Gosh, that's very interesting.
04:10These are helmets, mostly infantry.
04:13Yes, these would be German as well, wouldn't they?
04:15That's right.
04:17You don't have anything from the Allied side?
04:19No, no, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all, I'm afraid.
04:25Right.
04:33That's my curiosity satisfied.
04:36And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler.
04:41He's signing a few death warrants there.
04:43Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older.
04:48Right, well, great. This is all wonderful stuff.
04:52You know, some people, when they see it, they're not too sure, but you seem genuinely interested.
04:57Oh, I am genuinely interested.
05:01What are you doing here? I told you, no sleeping here.
05:05This is an old friend of mine, Ted. I'll see you again.
05:09Sorry, Tranko. It's our dinner.
05:25Pipe!
05:28Out.
05:30Pipe!
05:45Ted look at the table it's so dirty I can write me name in it there's a G in
05:50Dougal where right that's it I'm fed up living in filth we're just gonna have to
06:01get this place clean Dougal and look at you look at that hole in your tank top
06:05what if the parishioner saw that we're okay our god would you look at that
06:18this here look a perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window I mean how could
06:25you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window I would have thought
06:28that was practically impossible it's just mrs. Doyle can't do any cleaning her back
06:32is very bad since she fell off the roof can't keep her balance at all that's it
06:41then I'm just going to have to come out and say it we're gonna have to clean this
06:45place ourselves what you heard me Dougal are you with me well yeah right then
06:51let's go let's clean this mother
07:20Ted what about that bit of the lamp that came off I could pick that up good
07:29idea
07:33I'm bored no yeah do look
07:48I am Chinese if you please
07:53come on Dougal lighten up
08:14who do the Chinese people there all right yeah I mean what
08:22what is I mean that's the in family they're living over there in that old
08:26Chinatown area Chinatown there there's a Chinatown on Cranky Island
08:31Dougal I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there's gonna be
08:34a Chinaman there to see me doing a Chinaman impression why not Ted
08:40because because it's racist they think I'm a racist I'm gonna have to catch up with
08:45them and explain I'm not a racist and basically if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to
08:53time I get this thing
08:54the doctor called bat eyes
09:10oh that's that all right what's that I ordered some new stuff for the house get rid of this old
09:18the house
09:18Dougal you don't think I upset those Chinese people earlier I don't know Ted it
09:23was like the time we put on that variety show and you did that impression of
09:26Stephen Hawking he was the last person you'd expect to turn up that was a
09:31million to one shot God he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry I
09:37don't worry about it Ted anyway who did your phone habitat no habit hash like habitat it's
09:43well soft furnishings but also priests clothes does it not get confused with
09:46habitat though no that's never happened before except just there when you did it
09:52anyway what else did you order a priest socks really black ones I read somewhere I
09:58think it was in an article about priest socks the priest socks are blacker than
10:01any other type of socks that's right Dougal sometimes you see lay people
10:05wearing what looked like black socks but if you look closely you'll see they're
10:09very very very very very very very dark blue actually that's true I thought my
10:15uncle Tommy was wearing black socks but when I looked at them closely they were
10:19just very very very very very very very very very very very dark blue never buy
10:26black socks in a normal shop they'll shaft you every time
10:36hello there father hello calm out and about yeah same as yourself good good I hear
10:46you're a racist now father how did you get interested in that type of thing I'm a
10:55racist everyone saying it father should we all be racist now what's the official line
11:01the church is taking on it oh no only the farm takes up most of the day and at night
11:07I just
11:08like a cup of tea I mightn't be able to devote myself full time to the old racism
11:13good for you father what oh mrs. comry good for you father but someone had a
11:20guts to stand up to them at last coming over here taking our jobs and our women and
11:26acting like they own a second place well done father good for you good for you I'd like a bigan
11:42bigan Greeks it isn't the Greeks it's the Chinese he's after I'm not after the Chinese I don't care all
11:49we
11:49get so long as I can have a go at the Greeks they invented gayness look anybody I am not
11:56a racist
11:56all right God fucking bricks how's Mary she's fine she got that job after great racist
12:29hello hello is that the yin dynasty family yes this is Shawn you know it's a father Ted Crilly here
12:39I
12:40think I owe you an apology
12:51right then see you in a while aha Dougal that's everything cleared up they're coming straight
12:56around I'll just be very nice to them and people will stop saying that I'm a racist it's great
13:01nothing could go wrong fantastic so the story is you're not a racist what no it's not a story I'm
13:08not a
13:10racist tea everyone I hear you're a racist no mrs. Doyle he's not a racist I am not I am
13:26not a racist
13:28mrs. Doyle we're gonna have to do something for your back you can't go on like this I'm just going
13:32to
13:32try something no don't worry mrs. Doyle oh no no no no just relax no oh yes yes yes this
13:52is great
13:54I'll be fine now father seriously father I feel 20 years younger Ted the Chinese are coming all right
14:09where are they oh feck it this big mark is still on the window ah never mind hello hello I
14:19don't know
14:19why we have to talk to this fascist come on now it may have just been
14:34where are they going I invite them around and they don't even let me tell them my side of the
14:39story
14:53this is terrible people think I'm some sort of Nazi racist and I'm not what can I do Ted here's
15:01an
15:01idea right off the top of my head I haven't thought it through so it's probably not brilliant but what
15:05the
15:05hell I'll just talk and see what comes out anyway but some sort of special event uh celebrating all
15:13the different cultures on craggy Island and then people will think you're a fantastic man instead
15:17of a big racist my god what that's a good idea no it isn't it is doogle it is no
15:32Ted there's probably
15:33something wrong with it you just haven't thought it through no no you've had a brilliant idea but
15:40break it down for me a bit more what would an event celebrating all different cultures on craggy
15:44Island actually be like what what would it involve I mean celebration yes but what form could it take
15:53Ted I want out I went too far too soon I didn't know what I was getting into Ted I
16:06didn't know you
16:07had to follow up a good idea with loads more little good ideas I'm sorry Ted I'm going to sleep
16:12in the
16:12spare room I'm sorry you all fall I've sheltered you for 50 years you've never even made me a cup
16:24of tea you'll make the tea I do the washing up did you do the washing up I did it
16:31for the whole of 1947
16:33and again in 1973 you liar you broke all the plates and then you went ah I am so tired
16:41I never
16:42had to wash up plates when I was in the Wehrmacht oh never you're driving me insane I'm going to
16:47take a
16:47value oh I want one too oh why must you ape everything I do wait these aren't value these are
16:59the cyanide we kept for
17:00emergencies you put cyanide next to the valium you're full that's asking for trouble you shut up we've
17:08only got 15 seconds to leave me that is just fine by me good that's fine by me too good
17:13I'm glad it is
17:15good I'm glad you're glad you're good good
17:16good good I stepped on the hamsters by the
17:46and fell down the stairs father Dougal I thought I told you to put away that bike safely I did
17:51Ted
17:52I put it back in the cage oh no no no don't worry father it's great I feel fantastic I
17:59completely
17:59forgotten that I can turn my head right around like this all right well listen that stuff from
18:05habit hat is arriving today so when it comes give father Jack get where is father Jack I think he's
18:11up the chimney right well I burn them out father smoke would back up it should be all over the
18:17house anyway when that stuff comes put it all up all the new rugs and the things for the chairs
18:26and
18:28that's your thing really I would know about that sort of stuff because I'm a man we're often
18:35celebration of Craigie Island's ethnic diversity welcome we'll come down video it's a great honor
19:01and privilege for me to present this celebration of the wide diversity of cultures that exists today
19:06on Craigie Island namely Chinese people and people from Craigie Island I prepared a short slide
19:13presentation which reflects this multicultural mix so without further ado that's a start the show
19:26this man visited the island a few years ago I forget his name now but I got on very well
19:31with them so
19:32I'm just sure I've got in at this time will there be any free drink at this yes there will
19:37be a limited
19:38supply of free drink afterwards the Great Wall of China a miracle of Chinese engineering so big you can see
19:46it from anywhere in the world chairman Mao secretary of the Communist Party of China one of the biggest
19:55Communist parties in the world and in my view the best mr. Miyagi from the karate kid one of my
20:04favorite films not
20:05because of the karate kid himself but because of mr. Miyagi not a day goes by when I don't remember
20:10one of his many
20:11words of wisdom Kato where would he spring from next the Maori I'm sorry I don't know how that got
20:26in
20:26there but there are no Maoris on Craigie Island I mean the merciless best of all the Chinese people
20:39themselves look at them there aren't they great the Chinese a great bunch of lads
20:47right I think I've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture and I'd like to thank you all for coming here
20:52tonight and of course we'll have a little bit of an old chat
21:00well the slideshow was a big pile of crap free drink very much appreciated thank you Father Crilly
21:10yes well I just wanted to clear things up I'm not a fascist I'm a priest fascist dress in black
21:16and go
21:16down telling people what to do whereas priests more drink
21:32hey anywhere there would you like a cup of tea oh no no thanks no I have a kind of
21:41allergic reaction to
21:42it you know it's very rare but pretty serious if I drink tea there's a 70% chance I'll die
21:47well I'll make a cup anyway in case you change your mind no thanks anyway
22:03to China
22:06hooray
22:07to craggy Ireland
22:09hooray
22:10more drink
22:11hooray
22:12I'm sorry the bars are closed
22:15hooray
22:16tell you what how about everyone comes back to my place for a drink
22:19hooray
22:21wait I need to go to the toilet first
22:23hooray
22:26hooray
22:27hooray
22:28Mrs Doyle we have guests
22:30did that stuff arrive?
22:31yes and I felt so fantastic I put it all up in less than an hour
22:34and there was this letter
22:36letter
22:38dear Father Crilly
22:39on the instructions of our recently deceased client Father Seamus Fitzpatrick
22:43here are some items which he specified you should have in the event of his death
23:05I can explain everything
23:10actually no I can't
23:11thank you
23:14thank you
23:16hello
23:17sorry again and most importantly have you opened that present yet?
23:21no looking forward to it though
23:23a year's supply of whiskey
23:25how very generous
23:27yes the problem there is basically you see there's been a bit of a change of plan
23:37hopefully
23:38no
23:38you
23:38that's one of them
23:39i latches real quick
23:51that's one of them
23:52thank you
23:53i don't know
23:58that there's a nice, semua
23:59i got a new rate
23:59well
23:59it's 英語
Comments