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00:04Thank you for letting us be ourselves
00:06So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:08These simple lines be good for your health
00:11Keep them trine rhymes getting short
00:13Live love life like you just don't care
00:15My thighs will leave us never scared
00:18Rating noise is the moment they fear
00:20Get up, just a little bit before I do it
00:22Get up, throw your hands in the head
00:25Get up, your shit in the head
00:27Get up, your shit in the head
00:29Get up, your shit in the head
00:31Get up, your shit in the head
00:38Salute a magpie, secure your mirrors
00:40And knock on your wooden leg
00:41It's Friday the 13th, we're live
00:43And it's time for the last leg
00:47Tonight on the show, America and Iran trade shots
00:50We crack open a cold one at the Winter Paralympics
00:53And our banknotes get a refreshing spritz
00:56Plus we'll be joined by comedians Richard Ayoade
00:59And Michelle Wolfe
01:00On the show that always laps up the news
01:12G'day
01:14Hi I'm Adam Hill
01:17Welcome to the last leg
01:18The show that saw this photo released today
01:20Of Andrew Epstein and Mandelson
01:22And thought that's the hardest game of shag, marry, kill ever
01:26As always at the Pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittacombe
01:28And the man who thought the Strait of Hormuz
01:30Was the Middle Eastern equivalent of Queer Eye, Alex Brooker
01:39Loads to get through tonight, loads to get through
01:41But before we do, every now and then
01:42Okay, so something happens before the show
01:44And it happened tonight, it always happens
01:46When Josh and Alex come out here
01:48I introduce them to the audience
01:49And we always do a little bit of a fist bump
01:51Or shake hands or whatever
01:52And last week we did, Josh and I did the
01:55Cause we're cool middle class, middle aged men
01:57Aren't we?
01:58And then we got to Alex and did the fist bump
02:00And went, I did
02:02And I went, oh, you can't do it
02:04No, no, no, I don't
02:06I mean mainly cause, like, I am 41
02:10Not a jock in High School Musical
02:12But no, I can't believe
02:15You've been doing that to me for so long
02:17Yeah
02:18For so long you've been doing it
02:19And you've only, you've only just noticed
02:21Like, you've only just noticed
02:22You're the only one that climaxes
02:24You're such an unattentive
02:26But no, I don't
02:27I do kind of
02:28I kind of
02:29I pay
02:30I do a little bit
02:31It's not really an explosion is it
02:32It's more just a
02:34A little sprinkle of like
02:36Napalm
02:37Which is also what my Scottish mates call me
02:39But
02:40I mean it all
02:41To be honest
02:42I mean, yeah
02:44I felt really bad about this
02:45I felt really bad about this
02:46But then look
02:47You did feel bad
02:48Yeah
02:49And I felt bad that you felt bad
02:50Because on the plus side
02:51Like, if you did it to Josh
02:52Yeah
02:52And went poof
02:53And then you came up to me and went
02:54Eww
02:56Fuck that
02:58Imagine if I did that to Josh
02:59I went poof
03:00And then I looked to you and went
03:01Oh, the explosion's already happened
03:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
03:05So I felt
03:06So what I've had something made up for you
03:08It's a little present here
03:09Oh
03:10I've had a fist made up
03:12That when you give me a fist bump
03:14A little explosion will happen
03:16So can you
03:16Whoa
03:17Alright, you ready?
03:18Okay
03:18I hope this is going to work
03:19Ready?
03:20One, two, three
03:21Whoa
03:23Hey
03:25Awww
03:29Awww
03:30It doesn't stop
03:31Geez, you look like you've wanked off a troll now
03:35But am I allowed to keep this?
03:37Yeah
03:37I'm going to have a good night after this show
03:39Awww
03:41Awww
03:42Awww
03:42Awww
03:43Awww
03:44Awww
03:46Awww
03:46Look, we are live
03:47As Penny Mordent found out last week
03:49Awww
03:50Awww
03:57Awww
04:00Awww
04:01Awww
04:04Awww
04:04Awww
04:05Awww
04:10Awww
04:16Awww
04:17will be Peppa Pig, Gromit, and a fox eating a nappy out of a bin.
04:22Before you know it, all paper money will be called Notey McNoteface.
04:26So they've gone for animals, haven't they?
04:29That's what they're going to put up.
04:30Is it basically because they're worried now with people,
04:32you don't know who's going to get cancelled anymore in the future,
04:35so they think they're safe going with animals,
04:38but you wait until they find out that there's a squirrel named in the Epstein files.
04:45Nigel Farage spoke out about that this week,
04:47and a lot of people have blaming Wokery or PC gone mad,
04:50but the truth is, there was a public consultation.
04:5360% of people chose wildlife, and Nigel Farage should know,
04:56you have to respect the will of the people.
04:59Lib Dem leader Ed Davey was also up in arms,
05:01although his message seemed more accidentally comedic.
05:05Winston Churchill helped save our country and the whole of Europe from fascism.
05:11He deserves better than being replaced by a badger.
05:20The next bit is, replace him with two badgers.
05:24In a long coat, like they're going to the cinema.
05:28Look, it's not like Winston Churchill's being erased from history.
05:31He's still remembered by the war rooms, the statue in Parliament Square,
05:34the dog in the adverts.
05:38Look, we thought we'd do something different tonight.
05:40We've got a comedian and illustrator of the best-selling Adam Kay books,
05:43Henry Packer here, and he's going to draw a banknote throughout the show tonight.
05:49Henry, thank you so much for being here.
05:50Absolute pleasure.
05:51Can we start, though, with my suggestion?
05:54A quick illustration of a fox eating a nappy out of a bin.
05:58OK. A fox eating a nappy out of a bin. OK.
06:01Let's do it.
06:03So, start with the nose. This is a classic UK fox.
06:07Yep.
06:09OK, so that's the gob.
06:11This has changed into a very different show, hasn't it?
06:14There you go, the triangular ears, the key feature.
06:17Well, that is a good fox, isn't it?
06:18The nappy.
06:19Yep.
06:20So, it's out of a bin.
06:21Right, so, yeah, as an illustrator, we tend to go for the old school bins.
06:25It's the, um...
06:28Oh, lovely.
06:28Yeah, I'll put it on there.
06:30It's the classic, yeah.
06:32Um...
06:32So, a soiled nappy?
06:34Yeah, of course.
06:36Who throws out a clean nappy?
06:39Fair dues.
06:40Level of soiling?
06:41Oh, no.
06:45Oh, Brooker on a Saturday morning.
06:48Brooker on a Saturday night, OK.
06:50OK, so that's a really, really deeply heavy soil.
06:53Yeah, perfect, lovely.
06:54There's some dripping going down the side of the bin.
06:55OK, um...
06:56Right, so the fox...
06:58OK, oh, yes, for the fox, um...
07:00Do you want it on a stepladder?
07:01To be, um...
07:04To be able to reach the...
07:05Or high heels, that's the choice.
07:06Well, can it be both?
07:09I've never done that before, but let's try it, yeah.
07:11So, the front legs are on a stepladder.
07:14Yeah, imagine people just tuning in thinking,
07:16Alex Brooker's got better, ain't he?
07:20OK, we've got the classic tail, obviously.
07:23Yep, lovely.
07:23And the rear legs in a nice pair of, um...
07:28This is quite sexy.
07:30Oh, lovely, yep.
07:32Sexy high heels.
07:34Um, and, um, just as an illustrator,
07:36I'm legally bound, if I draw a bin, to draw a, uh,
07:39fish skeleton sticking out of it,
07:42and a banana skin in the foreground.
07:44Uh, also, here's just some shit UK weather.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:48And, um, yeah, there you go.
07:53That's, I mean, for me, that's the fiver.
07:54Oh, right.
07:55APPLAUSE
08:01Uh, throughout the show, Henry's going to be creating, uh,
08:04a pound note based on, uh,
08:06whatever we talk about in the show, basically.
08:08Yep.
08:08Whatever comes up, it's going to go on the note.
08:10Um, thank you, Henry.
08:11All right, let's get into the big story now.
08:13Joe said, is it OK that the chaotic war has continued
08:15between US, Israel and Iran?
08:17Good luck, Henry.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21Uh, this week, America and Israel continued
08:24to attack Iran and Lebanon.
08:26Meanwhile, Iran fired missiles at everything in sight.
08:28It kind of feels like Iran right now is basically
08:31the kid at school in a fight who just does this.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35To try and take everyone out.
08:36It's really hard to do without hitting the desk.
08:38Um, Iran are hoping they can cause enough disruption
08:40to the world's energy supplies that they can stop America
08:43and Israel from attacking them.
08:44Now, they can do this because 20% of the world's oil and gas supplies
08:49pass through something called the Strait of Hormuz,
08:51which is right below Iran.
08:52So, basically... Oh, sorry, Josh.
08:54Isn't that just the start of EastEnders?
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59Yeah. You know what's interesting?
09:01As the bombs fell last week, they went...
09:03LAUGHTER
09:05LAUGHTER
09:05Oh, yes!
09:08APPLAUSE
09:11So, what I found out this week is basically,
09:13for the ships... The ships that are getting through...
09:16Yeah.
09:16Basically, the way they're getting through to avoid being hit
09:18by Iranian missiles, what they're saying is,
09:21is that they're saying they're from China.
09:23Right.
09:23So, basically, it's like, it's all right for them
09:24to pretend to be Chinese, but, Josh, you did it once
09:27when we went out for that meal...
09:28Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:29Don't draw that!
09:32LAUGHTER
09:34It's kind of mad to go to war with someone
09:35who controls something you need to survive.
09:38That's like starting an argument with the anaesthetist
09:39right before an operation.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:41I still regret it.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44And he went in for an ingranto now.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:47Well, to be fair, you haven't got one now.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:54Petrol prices in America have jumped 20%
09:56since the start of the war.
09:58Donald Trump is clearly spooked.
10:00Watch this enlightening clip.
10:01The president subtly deflecting the blame for attacking Iran
10:04while throwing his mates under a bus
10:06that's now 20% more expensive to refuel.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09In my opinion, based on what Steve and Jared and Pete
10:14and others were telling me, Marco was so involved,
10:17that I thought that they were going to attack us...
10:22It's...
10:22It sounds like so playground, doesn't it?
10:25Like, he started a war based on gossip.
10:28It's like, yes, Jared's gone up to him and gone,
10:29by the way, Donald, um, the Isle of Tollas reckons he can have you.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:33Also, he says you drive a girl... you ride a girl's bike.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Yeah, I mean, World War I may have started with the assassination
10:39of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
10:40World War III might start because of Jared, Steve and Pete.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:44They sound like three guys in your chat group
10:47whose videos you don't want to open at work.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:49Or they're the three presenters of The Australian Last Lake.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53And you're still bitter about them getting the job on you.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:56I... When I heard this clip, I heard something different to everyone else.
10:59Yep.
10:59I think he's blaming the war on former Liverpool captain Stephen Gerrard.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:05Watch again. OK.
11:06I've watched it quite a lot today.
11:08Yep.
11:08My opinion, based on what...
11:11Steve and Jared...
11:13LAUGHTER
11:18I'm just saying it.
11:20Do you know what?
11:20Jamie Carragher was in his ear.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:24Stefan Honsho was giving him all that.
11:28The war of memes continued this week.
11:30The White House released this truly tasteless video
11:32that made the war look like a game on Nintendo Wii.
11:49MUSIC PLAYS
12:04Unbelievable... I mean, it's appalling, right?
12:06And it's not accurate, because if it was,
12:08he would have let go of the bowling ball and hit the school next door.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:12Iran have hit back actually with one that's depicted Mario Kart, but obviously Princess Peach isn't allowed to drive.
12:19Iran did actually hit back with their own homemade Lego video. This is, I'm not making this up.
12:24This is what they put out. This explains why they think Donald Trump started the war.
12:41They are totally winning.
12:44The UK are also planning a video of their own, but it's going to take four years for Aardman Studios
12:48to make it out of clay.
12:51But it is going to be the best one.
12:53Oh mate, can't wait for Wallace and Gromit the wrong targets.
13:00So everyone's asking, what's the end game for Donald Trump?
13:02What are they hoping to achieve out of all of this?
13:04This is the thing though, any time in history, when you go into the Middle East, like when there's a
13:09war, these wars are not over quickly.
13:11Yeah.
13:11No one ever goes into the Middle East for a quick one. It's like a beer garden.
13:17Middle East, it's like a beer garden. You know, you go in there, you say you're everyone, it escalates.
13:21Always escalates, and before you know it, someone's like, shots? Jager bombs?
13:29Yeah? Was there in a third?
13:31No.
13:33I'll be honest with you, it was a little bit sunny earlier, and I was just thinking about beer gardens.
13:39Before you know it, the Strait of Hormuz has backed up.
13:42The US military have reportedly...
13:44The US military have been using an AI model known as Claude to speed up the process of choosing targets.
13:51So what, does it talk to them? Like when I talk to chat GPT?
13:55I'm assuming, yeah.
13:56You think you're bombing the Middle East? That sounds like an excellent idea.
14:00Do you think you're saying, so it's, so people, the madness is, so the US using it, using AI to
14:06choose military targets.
14:07Yes.
14:08At the same time as people who are using AI to choose a present for Mother's Day.
14:12Yep.
14:13Imagine if they got confused, and they just started bath bombing Iran.
14:19Why is the Strait of Hormuz covered in glitter and petals?
14:23How long were you in that beer garden?
14:26I'm in the image of someone going, Alexa, take out the Ayatollah.
14:29And it's like, did you say kill the Dalai Lama?
14:32No, Alexa, no, no.
14:33Sorry to everyone at home whose Alexa has just gone off.
14:36And the Dalai Lama.
14:38On Sunday, Iran announced they had chosen a new Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei,
14:42who will be taking over from his late father.
14:44Although there are now reports he may have been injured in the attack that killed his father,
14:48might even be in a coma.
14:49So we're hoping he doesn't wake up and say,
14:51hello, my name is Mojtaba Khamenei, you killed my father, prepare to die.
14:56He released a statement this week, which prompted the Telegraph to run with the headline,
14:59Mojtaba Khamenei has called for Iranian unity, but he may not be alive.
15:04This whole war might come down to whether we run out of oil before they run out of Ayatollahs.
15:08Who do you reckon's next?
15:10They're going to get through them.
15:11I've got an idea.
15:11There's someone who's looking for a new royal title.
15:19And he doesn't mind hot places because he doesn't sweat.
15:24He has to keep moving.
15:25Exactly.
15:27You know his nickname, the Ayatollah of Partiola.
15:31By the way, it was also revealed this week, the new Ayatollah owns various properties across London.
15:35They're currently available to rent on surface-to-wear B&B.
15:38And from Ayatollah to loves a dollar,
15:41Donald Trump has been handing out his favourite brand of affordable dress shoes to his aides and officials,
15:46and a lot of them are apparently, reportedly afraid not to wear them in front of him.
15:51Look, there they are, putting the bro in the brogues.
15:55Has anyone wondered whether this might be like Cinderella?
15:59And Trump has actually danced with a beautiful senator at a party,
16:02and he's just trying to find out who wore the shoe,
16:06and in fairness, he's already turning into a pumpkin.
16:09I'm looking forward to when he starts handing out his bronzer.
16:15And then goes, can I recommend a barber, guys?
16:18Meanwhile, the defence attaché to the UAE has made the media this week,
16:21mainly because of his name.
16:22This is a lovely image of the sandy-haired military leader
16:25known as Captain Sandy Sandylands.
16:28Which sounds like he's been named by the British public.
16:33The thing with Sandy Sandylands is once you have a bit of him somewhere,
16:36you just can't get rid of him, can you?
16:38Well, we loved the idea of Sandy Sandylands,
16:41and it turns out he's a slight fan of The Last Leg,
16:44because we've been in contact, and he's on a Zoom chat with us now,
16:48so, hello...
16:49Is he frozen?
16:52Yes, he has frozen.
16:53That's not him, but he has frozen.
16:55Oh, has he?
16:56Sandy Sandylands, are you there?
17:00No, this does not auger well for our military technology.
17:05He might have another call coming in, in fairness to him.
17:08You know when, uh, you know when we said Aardman would be looking after the British technology?
17:12It does feel we're going at a slower pace than that.
17:15I'm not going to say I'm worried right now, but we're trying to connect with a British military officer in
17:19the Middle East,
17:20and I just heard in my ear, he's completely gone.
17:23I think he's fine.
17:24I think he's fine.
17:25Just to be very clear, this isn't a sketch, we genuinely were trying to get in contact.
17:29It now feels like we're playing a prank.
17:31Yeah.
17:32It turns out he's downloading a movie at the same time as he's trying to talk to.
17:35Right, let's move on and welcome tonight's guests.
17:38One of them tries not to laugh, the other one will make it howl.
17:39Please welcome Richard Ayoade and Michelle Wolfe.
17:45That's very important.
17:49Hello.
17:49Hello.
17:51Hi.
17:52Welcome.
17:53Oh, come on.
17:55Welcome.
17:55Welcome.
17:57Welcome, sir.
17:58Welcome to you both.
17:59All right, Michelle, I'm going to throw it at you.
18:01You're American.
18:02What do you make of all this that's gone on in the Middle East and Iran and everything?
18:05And Donald Trump?
18:06Well, I just, everyone says that Trump has dementia, and I just, I was wondering if he could get more
18:11of it.
18:13Not enough dementia happening in the morning?
18:15He does not.
18:15I don't think he has enough.
18:17He seems to really remember who he's angry with.
18:21And now we're at war with Iran, which could last a very long time.
18:25I mean, these wars are never quick.
18:27This war could go on for so many years that Trump wouldn't want to have sex with it anymore.
18:36And now, now we're, you know, we're supposed to trust our leaders.
18:41You can't trust Trump with anything.
18:43You can't trust him with ordering an appetizer or picking the music or what fruit is ripe.
18:51You can't trust him.
18:52Hey, does that taste good?
18:54Hey, does this look good?
18:55You couldn't trust him with real estate or spray tan or makeup coverage.
19:00And now he's sitting next to the nuclear codes.
19:04And I think the only thing more alarming is if you went to your secondary school and Andrew was there.
19:11The whole world's being affected, obviously.
19:13Petrol, people are stocking up on petrol.
19:14Richard, are you stockpiling anything?
19:17I mean, I'd be looking to stockpile cravats.
19:22Because, you know, I want to remain sport.
19:25It's very, it's hard enough to get a good dry cleaner in peacetime.
19:29So, and, and these things, they're delicate.
19:31They're very delicate.
19:32And you can hand wash them, but they'll fade.
19:35Do they pass through and...
19:36You know, I need to maintain standards.
19:39Someone's got to look like a Columbo villain.
19:42After the apocalypse.
19:44Have you ever worn anything, uh, purely because someone gave it to you?
19:47This has been taken from a military dictator.
19:52Hopefully I'll be able to travel there immediately after this joke works itself out.
20:00Now, we didn't get to talk to Sandy Sandiland.
20:03Oh, is he here?
20:03This is a shame.
20:04No, no, no, but you've come up, you've come up with the game based on his name.
20:07Yeah, in honour of, in honour of Sandy.
20:09So we were, we were inspired by Sandy Sandiland.
20:12So we came up with our own name, our own game, which is about nominative determinisms.
20:16So we're, of course, calling it, That Job's My Name.
20:19That job's my name.
20:21That job's my name.
20:23That job's my name.
20:24That job's my name.
20:27That job's my name.
20:35Okay, the gameplay is simple.
20:37We're going to show you a job and a name.
20:39And these are real or fake people.
20:42You have to tell us whether this person really does the job.
20:46To lock the answers in, we've given you very simple props.
20:49If you think it's true, put on the Trilby of Truth.
20:51Brooke will show you that.
20:53Yep, there you go.
20:54You basically just, hang on a second.
20:55Just put it on like that, really.
20:57Yep.
20:58And if you think it's false, put on the fedora of false.
21:00Sorry, I love that you went, I might need to explain how to wear a hat.
21:04The fedora of false?
21:04Put that on Hilsie.
21:06Put that on Hilsie.
21:07Okay.
21:07There you go.
21:08There's a fedora.
21:08And whoever we...
21:09A fedora of false leg over there.
21:10Oh, look at that.
21:11Look at that.
21:13There you go.
21:14How's that?
21:14Blimey.
21:15That's the most Australian man I've ever seen in my life.
21:18Now, there is a mystery prize for the winner.
21:21Here's a mystery prize.
21:22Here it is.
21:22There it is.
21:24Let's unveil.
21:25It's not much of a mystery, it's a box.
21:28Let's unveil the first name.
21:31Brooke, read out.
21:32Is there a urologist called Dr. Dick Chop?
21:39I've seen this urologist.
21:42I can tell you, the answer is, it's true!
21:51I feel like that hat looked better on me than I thought it would.
21:55Is the president of the Royal Horticultural Society called Tim Flowers?
22:03I mean...
22:05They're taking it more seriously than I thought, Alex.
22:08I've got to say, a lot of these are guesses.
22:10Yeah.
22:10I would also...
22:11I feel like there's a guy named Tim Flowers that would love to work with flowers, but he doesn't.
22:16Wow.
22:17I can tell you, the answer is, it is false.
22:19You've got to say that guy again!
22:21But he is called Keith Weed.
22:25That's also a urologist.
22:29Very much.
22:31I like the way you made the joke and then flipped the hat.
22:36Next one.
22:38I can't demonstrate that.
22:39Right then.
22:40Is there a man who runs a temp agency called Steve Jobs?
22:46I thought he was dead.
22:49True.
22:52It's false.
22:54But I can tell you, I don't know if you know this, he did use to run a company called
22:58Apple.
22:58Come on!
22:59You've heard of it!
23:00Final one.
23:01Final one.
23:01One, Steve Jobs.
23:02Is there another urologist called Dr. Burns Cox?
23:06There it is.
23:08Hey.
23:09Wow.
23:09Dr. Burns Cox.
23:10I want this to be true about how I feel about men a lot of times.
23:14But I think it's false.
23:16Oh, it's to decide.
23:17I mean, I put on the wrong hat.
23:18I put on the wrong hat.
23:18Well, hang on.
23:19Wait, I think we've...
23:20For the gameplay, do you want to choose a different hat?
23:23They're not both of you, don't you?
23:25No!
23:29Well, I can tell you, the answer is...
23:31I'll go with it.
23:32True!
23:33Correct!
23:34You are our winner!
23:35And you win your prize, which is a special pair of Donald Trump's shoes.
23:41But don't worry, Michelle, you are not the only winner, because everyone gets a shoe.
23:45Here we go!
23:47Come on, Josh, you get a shoe.
23:48You get a shoe.
23:49Please don't fire the lady in a wheelchair, Josh.
23:52Please don't throw wheelchairs at the same...
23:54Shoes at the same people.
23:55Keep going.
23:56Here we go.
23:56You get a shoe.
23:57We'll have more last week for you after the break, as we check out the action of the Winter
24:00Paralympics, and we finally get to talk to Sandy Sanderson, who I believe...
24:04Sandy Sandalins, who I believe is back on the line.
24:06We'll see you in a little bit.
24:21Welcome back to Last Leg.
24:23We're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Ioharty.
24:25We have got in contact with Sandy Sandalins, a defence attaché to the UAE.
24:32Come in, Sandy Sandalins.
24:33Yes!
24:34Hey, Adam.
24:35How are you?
24:38Thank you for joining us.
24:39What has your fame been like this week?
24:41It's been bonkers, mate.
24:43Honestly, the reaction to the ex-feed that the embassy put out has just been crazy.
24:50Seven million views.
24:51You know, I just hope that half of those actually listened to the message, but most of them were
24:56interested in the name and the location.
24:58So, yeah, I am the Sandy in the Sandy Desert in the UAE.
25:03And Sandy is a nickname because it's normal in the army to give people nicknames.
25:08Are there other famous nicknames around you?
25:11I think the one that stands out for me is a guy called Jock Stirrup, so Jock Strap, who
25:16was the most senior guy in the military.
25:19And what I quite admire about him is a lot of guys, when they get senior, they start, you
25:22know, Steve becomes Steven and all that.
25:24But this guy went right to the very top of the military and stuck with Jock Strap, so I
25:27like that.
25:29And listen, how do you think Alex Brooker would go in the military?
25:32Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
25:34I was watching last week and I saw his kind of shower chair, so we have a unit called the
25:38Mobile Bath and Shower Unit, or we used to have in the Pioneer Corps, so maybe he could
25:42bring his bath chair along to that.
25:43But actually, thinking about it, if he's going to serve in the military, then you've got to
25:47kind of go through it all and not bottle it.
25:49And as an Arsenal fan, I'm not convinced he can do that.
25:52Hey!
25:53Ah!
25:55Sorry, Sandy, we're losing you.
25:58Sorry, mate.
25:58It's all right.
26:00It's all right.
26:00It's all right.
26:01It's all right.
26:02It's all right.
26:02All my mates call me Handy Handelands anyway.
26:06Good luck out there.
26:07Thanks very much for joining us.
26:08Sandy Sandelands.
26:10Sandy!
26:15Moving on, Gemma said, is it OK that Peter Mandelson still has his lordship?
26:19So documents were released this week that led to questions about due diligence shown by
26:23the Prime Minister when he appointed Peter Mandelson as ambassador to the US, despite
26:26Mandelson's friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:28Turns out the vetting process had all the rigour of BBC's iPlayer when it says, do you have
26:32a TV licence?
26:35I've got away with that one before.
26:37What would have stopped him getting the job?
26:41Being friends with two pedos?
26:43Sorry, it says specifically, criteria friends with one pedo or less.
26:47Sorry.
26:48Keir Starmer apologised for the appointment, but if his vetting process could be represented
26:51by video, it would be this famous one of a Tottenham security guard.
26:56Any links to Epstein?
26:58No, go through.
26:59Any links to Epstein?
27:00No, go through.
27:02Any links to Epstein?
27:03No, go through.
27:05Any links to Epstein?
27:07No, yeah, you're all right.
27:08Go through.
27:09I absolutely loved your impression there.
27:12But Alex, you said something on the show a couple of weeks ago that I think might
27:15be true.
27:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:19Mum, can you record this?
27:20How dare you accuse him of truth.
27:22Could he have appointed...
27:24Get the trilby of truth on Brooker.
27:26He's a possibly appointed Mandelson to keep Trump on side.
27:29Because basically, Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein said supposedly, quote, Donald Trump doesn't
27:34have a decent cell in his body.
27:35Which would suggest Epstein knew some shit about Trump.
27:38And if Peter Mandelson was friends with Epstein, then he probably knew some shit about Trump
27:42too.
27:43So maybe, like you said, send a wrong'un to deal with a wrong'un.
27:46And honestly, in a couple of weeks, you're going to be comparing the war in the Middle East
27:49to going in a beer garden.
27:52Mandelson apparently asked for just £500,000 when he eventually was sacked, but settled
27:57for £75,000, which makes him the worst negotiator ever.
28:01I just want to get out one tiny pun.
28:04Yeah.
28:04Because we had Sandy Lance.
28:06Yeah.
28:06He said, instead of Mandelson, he should be kiddelson.
28:11It's not a good pun.
28:14The whole time I always thought, Mandelson, kiddelson.
28:18Kiddelson, right.
28:18I...
28:19And I've been thinking about it the whole time you were talking.
28:24I had to get it out of my body.
28:26I'm sorry.
28:28Many people around Mandelson have said similar things.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:33And that's the whole point.
28:35You set up Richard and he can dunk.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:38That was also...
28:40No, sorry.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:44I love the way you're also both mirroring body language and green trousers together.
28:48Thank you, yes.
28:48We're trying to out-defensive one another.
28:51How Sandy were his curtains, by the way?
28:54So Sandy.
28:54He was hamming it up.
28:56That guy.
28:57He basically came with a club act.
28:58Yeah, the tightest three minutes I've ever seen from a military man.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02I mean, I've never seen camouflage work so well.
29:06Yeah.
29:06I mean, he was basically the curtain.
29:09LAUGHTER
29:10We actually had him on before, we just couldn't see him.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:14Let's jump into the Winter Paralympics now.
29:16Steve said, is it OK that after two fourth places,
29:18Neil Simpson and his guide Rob Poth bring home silver?
29:21Yes, it bloody is for GB.
29:23Here's the medal moment.
29:25APPLAUSE
29:26Come on, Neil Simpson.
29:27One last drive into the finish.
29:30He goes into the lead, but by how much?
29:324.96 seconds.
29:35Oh, that was fabulous.
29:3842.52 on that slalom run.
29:43APPLAUSE
29:46Explain...
29:47It's worth explaining what's happening there.
29:50Yeah, so he's being guided.
29:52So the guy in the front is his guide.
29:54So the guy's visually impaired.
29:55Neil Simpson's visually impaired.
29:56So he's being guided, basically, by the guy with a blue-toothed headset on in front of him.
30:00He's basically probably going like, left a bit, right.
30:02I mean, I don't know the exact terminology.
30:04Yeah, yeah.
30:04I didn't know you were an expert, but...
30:07What does he say if they want to go to the other side?
30:09Like, right a bit.
30:10Oh, bloody hell.
30:11But that is, like, the ultimate trust.
30:14Like, I...
30:14I couldn't trust any of my mates to do that.
30:18They'd just be going, left, only fucking about, it's a tree.
30:22Also, you need to trust your blue-tooth.
30:23You don't want that to drop out halfway down.
30:26It gets at the bottom halfway down the hill and you just hear,
30:28bloop, bloop.
30:33Best impression of Spotify I've ever heard.
30:36Shout out to Nina Sparks, by the way, the first British female para-snowboarder.
30:40And also, Davy Giv, the first snow-sport winter paralympian with motor neurone disease.
30:46Davy said, was I fastest down the course today?
30:48Absolutely not.
30:49But my race and battle is with MND and today I'm winning that race.
30:53Well done, Davy.
31:02GB in Australia currently have one silver medal each, but Australia also have a bronze.
31:05Meanwhile, the Italian para-ice hockey team released this brilliant clip of their training regime.
31:11Now it's time to run, it's time to run.
31:33It's so interesting that in Italy that's training, but in Britain that's a pip test.
31:40Jimmy's Curlers didn't make it to the medal podium, but they did provide us with some of the best self
31:44-commentary
31:44of the games.
31:47It's right out there, Lake.
31:49Line's good.
31:50Morgan's got the weight though, Joe.
31:52How do you feel?
31:53I love the dynamic between these two.
31:55Feels like, I feel like a bag of milk.
32:01We've got those two on the line now, so please welcome Jason Keane and Joe Butterfield.
32:06Hey guys.
32:07No we don't.
32:13Not again.
32:14Well, Sandy Sanderlums is going to pop back up.
32:16Could I have done this show via Skype as well?
32:18To be fair to these guys.
32:20I came away from Peckham, it's an hour.
32:22To be fair to these guys, they are at the Winter Paralympics, so it's not surprising they're frozen.
32:26Oh no, we've got them, we've got them.
32:28Jason and Joe, hello.
32:33Alex, you want to jump straight in with a question?
32:35Yeah, Jason, I've just got a, like, main question is, like, what do you mean by, like, how many bags
32:40of milk have you thrown in your life?
32:43I've never heard that phrase.
32:45Wait a minute, I'll just explain.
32:47It's not the, it's not the curling stone that's a bag of milk, it's actually Jason.
32:50It is me.
32:51I am the bag of milk.
32:52As you can see from many of the videos, I am a rather large portion.
32:57So, with my brake being high, so I'm, I'm paralysed from the armpits down.
33:03So, whenever I don't throw it well, then it comes out almost like a bag of milk.
33:09So, me coach, he, like, named it.
33:12He was like, keep a hold of your stabiliser properly.
33:15Throw it strong, he says, and stop throwing it like a bag of milk.
33:18So, when I let that stone go, I was like, throw it like a bag of milk.
33:22Turned out it was a pretty good stone, to be honest.
33:26And Joe, of course, you were in Rio as well.
33:28You won gold in Rio in the summer Paralympics.
33:31How does this one compare?
33:33Well, not quite as good as that since we didn't get gold.
33:35But, you know, it's a bit different.
33:38The Winter Games is probably a bit more of a family.
33:40It's kind of a smaller group of people.
33:42And they've got a bit of a more, a bit of a culture going on.
33:45But other than that, it's pretty similar.
33:47And, Jason, as your first Paralympic Games, how are you finding it?
33:51It would have been a hell of a lot better to get a bit of metal around the neck.
33:55Like, that was the plan.
33:57But, as an experience, it's absolutely mental.
34:01Like, coming in like, ah, wait, man, look at this.
34:04Do I look like an athlete?
34:05Next thing you know, ah, come on, you're going off to the Paralympics.
34:08You've managed to make the grade somehow.
34:10It's been unbelievable.
34:12Like, it seems a shame that it's coming to an end.
34:14And it's a shame that it came to an end a bit early for us as well.
34:17And are you aiming for four years' time now?
34:21100%.
34:21Hopefully, yeah, that's the plan.
34:22Like, it's pretty special in the Paralympic Games.
34:25We don't normally get to compete in front of a crowd.
34:27And the noise in the arena at the curling stadium there was insane.
34:31The Italians have done a good job.
34:32So, to come back four years' time is critical.
34:35Excellent.
34:35Well, get out there, get training,
34:36and maybe next time you'll throw out like a semi-skimmed bag of milk.
34:40Let's take Jason and Joe.
34:41Just make a bottle of milk will do, because at least that's solid.
34:47Round of applause for Jason and Joe.
34:49Enjoy the rest of your time there.
34:52We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break
34:54as we unveil this week's Mystery Guest.
34:55We'll see you in a little bit.
35:10Welcome back to Last Leg.
35:11We're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Aiwati.
35:13Michelle, of course, you're off on tour this summer.
35:15Yes.
35:16The name of the tour?
35:17Best job in the world.
35:18Best job in the world.
35:19Oh, my God, I had so much hair.
35:22That was before I had a baby.
35:24I had so much hair.
35:25Look at this.
35:26I look like a little boy.
35:29Get Peter Mandelson away from me.
35:34And this just occurred to me, you didn't end up being a wolf.
35:38Yes.
35:38So, in terms of nominative determinism?
35:41I mean, how disappointing is that?
35:43Yeah.
35:43I could have been a wolf and I'm a little boy instead.
35:47It's good news for Peter Mandelson, but...
35:49Well, but if you were together with Peter Mandelson,
35:52you'd be Peter and the Wolf, so...
35:54Oh!
35:55God!
35:56In...
35:58That might be my favourite joke that's...
36:00Everyone was so impressed they didn't laugh.
36:03Yeah, get your own out.
36:05In Medical News this week, a surgeon in London has performed
36:08the UK's first long-distance robotic operation on a patient
36:12who was 1,500 miles away in Gibraltar.
36:14Here are some graphic footage of the operation.
36:17A historic moment, 2,400 kilometres away.
36:24Unbelievable.
36:26We used a robot and a very specialised connection
36:30between London to Gibraltar.
36:34Didn't fail at all.
36:36The time delay between the two sides?
36:3960 milliseconds.
36:42We need to get him on this Wi-Fi.
36:47So, how you're zoomed.
36:49I'll tell you what, bet you he's great on them grabber machines
36:52in the arcade, innit?
36:54Just got a house full of the boo-boos.
36:57It's impressive, but if you are the patient and they go,
37:00we're going to try a historic thing on you, I'd go, no.
37:04I want my operation to be done.
37:07Yeah, you can do it.
37:08I don't want you to do it, though.
37:10The patient described it as a no-brainer.
37:11Which is ironic because it was a prostate removal.
37:15It wasn't, that's not a joke.
37:16Oh, yeah?
37:17They have, they're doing robotic prostate removals.
37:21I just want them to do one thing for women's health.
37:23Just one thing.
37:25Like a better tampon or...
37:27To act like endometriosis.
37:34Diagnose women correctly.
37:35Tell them, don't be like, you're just whiny.
37:38No, it's a real...
37:39There's fibroids filling my body.
37:42We can't get the robots to do that.
37:47It is appropriate that it was a prostate removal because
37:50Gibraltar is very much the prostate of Spain.
37:53Well, no, by that I mean it's hidden away at the bottom.
37:56No one knows why it's there, but it's a lot of fun to visit on holiday.
37:58LAUGHTER
38:02In AI news, a woman from Florida asked her chat GPT this week
38:06to suggest a place to live based on amenities that she put in that she was looking for.
38:11She's now planning to move to Torquay in Devon.
38:14Yes.
38:14Because that's where it told her to go.
38:16Rightly so.
38:17AI has finally reached peak intelligence.
38:21I love this.
38:22This Florida woman is going to go there and she's going to,
38:24she's going to see the sea there,
38:27which is going to be very different from Florida.
38:29And she's going to be like, is this where World War II happened?
38:34This looks like the movies.
38:35Am I in Dunkirk?
38:37And look, you might think Florida is different to Torquay,
38:40but Mar-a-Lago is a lot like the hotel in Faulty Towers.
38:43They're both owned by shouty dictatorial men
38:45who have zero people skills and don't get on with their wives.
38:47Although Mar-a-Lago has slightly more mentions of the war.
38:51Alright, it's time to bring on this week's mystery guest.
38:52Michelle and Richard have to work out how they're connected to the news.
38:55Can we have the mystery guest, please?
38:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
39:00Mysterious guest.
39:01I wanna get close to you.
39:03We'll get me so close to you.
39:07So, this is Glenn.
39:09Glenn was in the news this week because he's going for his 18th World Championship.
39:15Mm-hm. But what is it in?
39:16Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
39:21Is it in being the quickest person to eat 80 grams of watercress?
39:26being the man with the mintiest breath
39:29or being the person
39:30who can fit the most basil in their
39:32ears and nose.
39:35Have a think.
39:36Have a look at him.
39:39We will reveal
39:40the mystery guest after the break.
39:42We'll also win the show by going head-to-head
39:43with him in a challenge.
39:45We'll see you in a little bit.
39:59Welcome back to Last Leg.
40:01We're joined by Michelle Wolf and Richard Ayoade.
40:02Now, before the break, we challenged our guest
40:04to work out how this person was connected to the news.
40:06Can we have the options again, please?
40:09So, Glenn has been in the news
40:11because he's going for his 18th World Championship.
40:13But is it in being the quickest person
40:16to eat 80 grams of watercress?
40:18Is it being the man with the mintiest breath?
40:20Or is it C, being the person
40:22who can fit the most basil in their ears
40:25and knows
40:27the floor is yours?
40:28Ooh, I like that.
40:30Yes.
40:31Well, 80 grams
40:33feels a very specific amount
40:37that, with all due respect to the team,
40:39I don't think they would have thought up.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:45And when you say the team,
40:47I need to point out,
40:48it's Josh and Alex that come up with these.
40:51That's what I meant by the team.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:54So, how very dare you?
40:56I very dare.
40:57And all of these are X and album titles.
41:00But...
41:01LAUGHTER
41:02Yeah, I would say,
41:0480 grams is very specific.
41:07I...
41:07It's just, he doesn't look like he eats a lot of lettuce.
41:12LAUGHTER
41:13Well, 80 grams isn't a huge amount.
41:16OK, I need an answer.
41:17It's just specific.
41:17Well, you say you need an answer.
41:19I think we need to discuss it for another ten minutes.
41:22LAUGHTER
41:24I'm most concerned about the belly button on the T-shirt.
41:27Yeah.
41:28OK.
41:28We need an answer.
41:29Let me put it in another way.
41:30OK.
41:32And now we've seen his...
41:33All the final answer.
41:35All...
41:36Final answer, it was Chris?
41:37Yes.
41:38OK.
41:39I haven't even run that by...
41:41Yes.
41:41Yes.
41:42Glenn, what is the truth?
41:44I am a 17 times watercress-eating champion.
41:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:57Where's your other 17 trophies?
41:59LAUGHTER
42:00So, how...
42:01I'll give it back every year.
42:02How did you get into it?
42:04Oh, it's back in 2002, Oxford, where I come from,
42:07started a festival up to celebrate the spring,
42:10where they got the first crop of watercress.
42:13Rugby boys do all the parking and helping out.
42:16We decided, after a while, we got a bit bored in the afternoon,
42:19after playing cock and ball.
42:21And then, uh...
42:23We haven't got time.
42:24We haven't got time.
42:24That's not a world championship you want to win.
42:26LAUGHTER
42:29Anyway, we just saw...
42:30We got all this green stuff.
42:31What are we going to do with it?
42:32I said, we've had a few beers.
42:33Let's try and eat as much as we can,
42:35so you can eat the most of it.
42:36Didn't end up well.
42:38That's it.
42:39Puking up.
42:40And the thing is, next day as well,
42:42after a few more beers...
42:45Honestly, let's put it this way, I wasn't constipated.
42:48In fact, I had a ring piece like a dragon's nostril.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:51OK, what does it take to be a good cress eater?
42:56Is that...
42:56Cress-er?
42:57Yeah, what do you need?
42:58What do you need to be a good cress eater?
42:59Well, because it's peppery and horrible,
43:01in a sense, like that.
43:03I think having a big hands and a big bob...
43:07LAUGHTER
43:08Get it down there quick and get rid of it,
43:10and that's why I have the old Guinness afterwards,
43:11just get rid of it.
43:12How many other people are you competing against?
43:16LAUGHTER
43:17This is worldwide, you know?
43:19We'll tell you what, we're going to end the show
43:20by competing against Glenn.
43:21They do...
43:21They do heats.
43:22OK.
43:23We're going to have a competition at the end of the show.
43:25It's just here.
43:25Glenn, thank you so much for being here.
43:26We'll see you in a minute,
43:27because we're going to have a competition.
43:29APPLAUSE
43:34Let's check in with Henry Packer,
43:36who has been designing a pound note,
43:39a ten-pound note, I believe,
43:40throughout the show,
43:41based on what's gone on in the show.
43:42Yes, indeed.
43:43Yes, so, yeah, this is what I've come up with.
43:45Oh, wow, look at that.
43:46Actually, would you two mind holding this?
43:48Thank you, so I can talk you through it.
43:50OK.
43:50Yeah, so, quite a lot going on.
43:52We've got Donald Trump here
43:54using a Wii controller to control the war.
43:57Yep.
43:57He's on a sofa at home by himself.
43:58I've depicted him with quite weak legs,
44:01which is satire.
44:06But, of course, it's actually more,
44:08even more sinister than it looks,
44:09because Donald Trump himself
44:11is being puppeted by Steven Gerrard.
44:16I've got...
44:17Here we've got Sandy Sandilands, part one.
44:19That's Sandy Sandilands,
44:20that's him camouflaged against a person.
44:24Here we've got...
44:25We've got Hilsey as a kangaroo
44:28with...
44:29In your pouch, you've got...
44:31You've got Brooker and Josh there,
44:33and you're feeding Alex with milk.
44:37And just sort of ruffling Josh's hand.
44:39It's quite a sweet and slightly sinister image at the same time.
44:42Yeah.
44:43Then we've got Sandy Sandilands, part two.
44:45This is a more realistic take.
44:46I just...
44:48I was fascinated by how low down his camera was.
44:50LAUGHTER
44:53And, yes, on the nominative determinism theme,
44:56I've tried it for everyone, for the whole cast tonight,
44:59so we've got Alex Brooker here, who's in a brook.
45:02LAUGHTER
45:04Which is quite clever.
45:06We've got...
45:08We've got Hills here as a hill.
45:10Yeah.
45:11There you go.
45:11With one leg, which is actually more than the average hill,
45:13so you're doing really well there.
45:14We've got Michelle Wolf,
45:17a sort of hermit crab wolf.
45:18Henry, I'm afraid we have to wrap it up.
45:20Can you go through it really quickly?
45:21And we've got rich, hard.
45:22So I've picked you as rich, there's money, there's money.
45:25You've got one of those hot taps instead of a kettle,
45:27because you're rich, you're also ripped and you're hard,
45:29so the hot tap is actually going onto your arms
45:30and you're fine with it, because you're rich and hard.
45:33OK, we need to...
45:33What about my second name?
45:34Thank you so much, Henry.
45:35Didn't have time.
45:36We're going to win the show with the quest-eating contest.
45:39Thank you, Henry.
45:39But before we do, would you please thank our guest,
45:41Michelle Wolf.
45:42CHEERING
45:43Richard Iowani
45:45and Henry Packer.
45:48And my co-host, Josh Whittakam
45:50and Alex Brooker.
45:54We'll be back next week with social media star, GK Barry
45:56and comedian Jack Dee.
45:58But right now, it's time for this.
46:10¡Gracias!
46:11SMPLY THE GRASS
46:13SMPLY THE GRASS
46:14SMPLY THE GRASS
46:14SMPLY THE GRASS
46:14Go depend on all the rest
46:19SMPLY THE GRASS
46:21Better than anything
46:24Or anything I have
46:31All right, we're doing this. We've got Cress in front of you.
46:35You've got to beat the world champion. What's your best time?
46:3825.5.
46:3925.5 seconds.
46:423, 2, 1, go.
47:12All right, Michelle, you're doing it!
47:15Oh, my goodness, is Michelle going to win?
47:18I'm going to be honest, I think Michelle has done this.
47:25Oh!
47:28Oh, yes, Michelle.
47:30Of course, you know what you're doing.
47:32You know what you're doing.
47:42You're all right, Michelle.
47:44Thanks for watching The Last League.
47:45My name's Adam Hills.
47:46See you next week for The Next League.
47:50Simple as a quest
47:54Better than all the rest
47:58Better than anything
48:02Ooh, anything I ever live
48:07Simple as the best question
48:11Better than all the rest
48:16rather than anyone
48:20Better than anyone
48:20reaching out
48:21You
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