00:00Hi Dana. Hey Franny. We had a nice dinner last night. Yeah. And we ate a lot of calories. Yeah.
00:10I'm going to teach you today about what calories are. I've often wondered what it's just a random
00:15it's a made-up number. No it's not. Yeah it is. It's actually very specific. What is it? I know.
00:22No it's just a it's not existent. No it is. No it's not. There's a very good formula and I
00:27think
00:27once you know it it will change your relationship to calories. I'm not a conspiracy guy but
00:33it's just a number that uh the company's made up. No. I don't know what that means. Okay that's okay.
00:39All right. So a calorie is a unit of energy believe it or not. When we burn calories we're burning
00:45energy
00:45and when we gain calories or take in calories we're gaining energy theoretically. Yeah kinetic.
00:52Nope. Close. When we see a calorie on a food box or something it's a kilocalorie. Mm-hmm. Which
01:00is defined as the amount of energy required to take one kilogram of water and raise it one degree
01:10celsius. But technically it's a it's a measurement of heat energy. Approximately 70 percent of calories
01:20are used for basal metabolism which is another way of saying survival. Mm. 20 percent are used for
01:28exercise and then 10 percent are used for chilling digestion. I don't like this. I don't like any of
01:37this. Why not? It's all bullshit. I don't know it's not. It is dude. That's how we as a human
01:45burn calories. Who the fuck decided that though? Some scientist and nom? Well the point is is that
01:52the more you exercise the more you burn of calories. Right. The more you probably help your digestion.
01:58That makes sense to me but why can't I just eat and then run? Why can't it be that simple?
02:04Why does it
02:04have to be a number attached? I'm not telling you that you have to utilize any of this information for
02:09yourself. I'm just telling you the information. Fucking bullshit. Fine. I'm fucking sick of it. The average daily
02:15recommended dose limit of calories for a human being is any idea? 2,500. Yeah that's good. Yeah. It's 2
02:25,000 to
02:252,500. Obviously that range varies depending on height, weight, age, gender, all that stuff. But here's my
02:32rhetorical question. If you're asking me it's... Go ahead. My rhetorical question is if I wanted to
02:40could I just have 2,500 calories of shit and then burn 12 or whatever and every day I do
02:49that
02:49will I have a smoking hot bod? I can't look at you like that. You just give me a death
02:58step. Well I'm not
02:59answering the question because you told me it was rhetorical. I don't know what rhetorical
03:03means. Then why would you say it? Because it's it means like I think it means like it's always
03:07hypothetical or rhetorical. No. Rhetorical is... Well then you meant hypothetical. Okay. Hypothetical is posed to
03:13not be answered. All right. Hypothetically if I just wanted to fucking crush 2,500 calories of
03:19gummy bears all day and just run it off would I be smoking hot bod? No you well yeah I
03:26mean I guess in
03:27theory but you you'd be missing out on very important uh food groups and nutrients that
03:32would lead to other problems. So I would have a lack of fiber or I would have a lack of
03:37protein you'd have
03:39a lack of vitamins. Would I die? If you ate only gummy bears for a long and burned all those
03:44calories up I
03:45think you'd start to starve. I think I'd be a man rocket. No not if it were gummy bears. Well
03:51if it
03:51was gummy bears and it's bread. Weight maintenance is when the calories consumed are equal to the
03:58calories burned. In that hypothetical situation I would just be zero pounds. No you would just
04:03maintain your current weight. If you if you ate the exact amount of gummy bears as calories you burned
04:07you would maintain. But the problem again is that you'd have scurvy. I don't think there's any vitamins.
04:15I thought you had to be on a ship. Well the reason people on ships got scurvy wasn't because they
04:19were on a
04:19ship. It was because the ship had no fucking vegetables and fruits. So you're telling me I could
04:23get scurvy right now? I thought that was a an outdated sickness. You'd think so. Yeah. But it
04:30mostly that's because so so often vitamins are available and a lot of what we eat you almost
04:37can't avoid them. The calories are a uh a sham. No they're not. If I want to eat a fucking
04:42calzone
04:43who's telling me that it has 2,400 calories. Everybody has a different serving size that is
04:50right for them. Yeah. I think there is a suggested daily intake of of for people but that's insane
04:58because people burn different amounts of calories. That's what I'm saying dude. Yeah. I could probably
05:05tell you that eating a whole DiGiorno pizza is even for you too much. Calories come from four different
05:10sources. Carbs, fat, alcohol, and protein. Which of those four things would you guess has the highest
05:19amount of calories per gram? Carbs. Alcohol. Nope. Fat. Bingo. Yeah that makes sense. There you go.
05:26Fat equals calories. What do you think is the second highest? Alcohol. There you go. All right yeah yeah.
05:31Fats and alcohol. All right so I'm fucked. Your two favorite things. Yes. Right? Are the highest density
05:37of calories. So no wonder I have a high density. There you go. Yeah. This is bullshit dude. You know
05:42how when people die in water they always find the body floating? Floating yeah. I don't think you'd float.
05:48Dude stop. Come on. I'm buoyant. If you drowned you'd never be found. I'm buoyant. And not because you washed
05:54way down the river. Because you sank. That's not nice. Well you're dense man. You're an immovable object. No no.
06:03One time I counted my calories. Well by one time I mean a stretch of time. I lost a lot
06:09of weight. Oh.
06:10I would drink vodka sodas instead of beers. Can you imagine? A hundred calories is a hundred calories.
06:16So what the fuck? If you have 16 ounces of beer versus 16 ounces of vodka soda why is one
06:22more
06:22caloric than the other? Or a slice of bread and a bunch of strawberries.
06:28But what if one is a hundred calories and one is a hundred calories? Why is one making me fat
06:31and the
06:32other's not? Good question. Thank you. Different calories are comprised of different things. So
06:36that slice of bread has fat, carbohydrate, and probably not much protein in it. I don't think
06:43any alcohol. Who decided this? God? Science. No but who made bread fat and not strawberries? God?
06:54Oh man. I don't know dude. Dude it's a good question. Then you're getting into like
06:59who created... I don't even... No it's not a good question. It's just an annoying question.
07:05Well... Existential bullshit question. But if I was God I'd be like all right I'm gonna make calzones
07:09good for you. If only. How sick would that be? It'd be great. I live to be 300. But unfortunately
07:16fat is what tastes good and that's why. So all right hold on. Do you ever think about taste buds?
07:22Well if we went out and ate
07:23a bunch of stuff together that'd be a good name for our show. Oh shit that was last night when
07:30we went
07:30to dinner. We were taste buds. When you shovel a calzone into your face I want you to start viewing
07:36that calzone as a gigantic wriggling pile of calories. Almost like batteries. You're shoving batteries into
07:44your mouth. Right? Which means if all that is fuel. If all of that is energy. Yeah. That
07:50fucking giant calzone is going to require that much more exercise to burn off. I'm okay with that.
07:59Oh well that's calories. Good shit Franny. Keep burning. Thank you.
Comments