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01:33Signed
01:38It's gonna take a long time to collect all of those signatures. I'll look at my book. Someone's drawn a
01:45cock holding it
01:49Those the three stages of a hair transplant
01:56They're just knocking around ideas of who they should bring back Liz trust maybe Hugh Edwards as Minister for kids
02:05I
02:05Should be noted by the way that that department was entirely just invented for the purpose of that joke
02:10You don't actually have a minister for kids like cuz that is asking for trouble and look what happens without
02:14one
02:15Yeah
02:16It should be a kid
02:19That's what they should have as an eight-year-old. That's a baby goat
02:23You had one job with one job for the charge around this department
02:27Yeah
02:31Quick eat the Mandelson file
02:35You think today's gonna take all of my charisma darling fetch me my brown tie
02:41Yeah
02:43He's got a long thumb, hasn't he?
02:47Do they want to just give me an answer I can wrap up this is what for traditionally this is
02:51my job isn't it?
02:53You're just very much why we've got you back
02:54Okay
02:56This is Prime Minister
02:59Yes
02:59Keir Starmer
03:01I forgot how slow this always is
03:03And next to him is his Chief of Staff
03:07Morgan McSweeney
03:08Absolutely, thank you very much Hugh, correct
03:09Thank you
03:14Yes, this is a picture of UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and his former Chief of Staff Morgan McSweeney
03:20This is the news that following further revelations about Peter Mandelson's links to Jeffrey Epstein
03:23McSweeney took full responsibility for advising Starmer to appoint Mandelson as US Ambassador and stepped down from his role
03:30And these are words I didn't expect to say on week three at the time of recording Keir Starmer is
03:34still Prime Minister
03:37But how is it looking for Starmer at the moment?
03:39It's the worst excuse ever, it's such an own goal
03:41I mean I didn't even make the decision
03:43Like it's like McSweeney's the dominatrix
03:47And she's quit and now the gimp's still in charge
03:53This situation is so annoying because if Keir Starmer steps down because McSweeney has left due to his links to
04:01Mandelson
04:01Then the Labour Party is probably going to crumble which means that Nigel Farage will become the Prime Minister
04:07He will reinstate the two-child benefit cap
04:11And all of that means that somehow Jeffrey Epstein is still screwing kids
04:25I really did not think you were going to like that one
04:29Did you think they were going to be a pro-Epstein crowd?
04:34What I loved about the reporting was that they described it as a dramatic exit
04:38Yeah
04:39The McSweeney did which makes me always think that they go like and say goodbye to these
04:44You're never gonna see this ass again
04:47I think the whole thing that the fact McSweeney's gone is fantastic news for justice
04:50Because we've got the guy haven't we? We've got our guy
04:53We've got the guy who made a suggestion to the guy who made the appointment of the guy
04:57Who's friends with the guy who did all those international sex crimes so we can move on
05:01It's fantastic
05:03That's a very neat bow on top of that
05:05We've got a box to start here
05:08But everything you hear about them they do seem to be they came as a pair
05:11You know McSweeney did the ideas Keir Starmer was sort of putting it into action
05:14I feel like it's they should have left at the same time like Tess and Claudia
05:18Yeah
05:19That's the fairest way to do it
05:21Is that why Tess and Claudia left?
05:22Not because of the Epstein Prize
05:26Dara and I left at the same time but he came back first
05:30Who is shaping up for a possible leadership bit?
05:32Wes Streeting is one of them sort of
05:34Wes Streeting is one of them yeah
05:35He's very happy with himself because he's stolen Keir Starmer's book
05:39LAUGHTER
05:42Yes among the people running Angela Rayner obviously is said to be interested in the post
05:47Ed Miliband is always mentioned
05:49And my personal favourite the MP for Birmingham Selly Oak
05:53Who's a guy called Al Carnes
05:55And he's so fit
05:58He does look like Keir Starmer crossed with Jack Reacher
06:01It is
06:03He's a former army guy who recently climbed Everest while breathing in zenon gas
06:09And the reason is because he could climb Everest faster because he said himself
06:13I don't have five to six weeks to climb Everest
06:15I'm a government minister I have to do it quickly
06:18Which is alright mate calm it down
06:21I say a very similar thing to my husband about love making
06:24We've got to hurry this along I'll mock the week
06:28I'm looking at this guy I feel so bad for Keir Starmer because this guy is very much the Ed
06:32Gamble to Keir Starmer's me
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36You're science man
06:37Yeah
06:37You know everything about science
06:38I know everything about science
06:39Yeah I know everything about science
06:40Why would zenon gas enable you to climb Everest faster
06:44Because
06:44Oh it's so technical
06:48It's a bit like you go diving with you go diving with you oxygen pressures
06:52It's
06:53I see
06:54Incredibly complicated
06:55That's all very clear
06:56Yes
06:56Thank you very much
06:57Thank you
06:57I think this guy looks tough but still not as tough as Angela Raynor
07:01She looks like she'd have someone in the secret service to hold her earrings if it all kicks off
07:05And she'd be the first to have a boob job
07:08And for me personally I'm donating to that campaign because she might make fillers tax deductible
07:13You know this impacts me
07:15And she's got a new haircut
07:16Yeah she got a new haircut
07:18Because the people have written they will tolerate someone being non-suggest
07:21But they draw the line at split ends she knows that
07:24Can I see the picture of the handsome guy again?
07:27Can you see the handsome guy again?
07:28Do you think he doesn't wear hats because it would literally be a square peg in a round hole?
07:40I genuinely have a sense that we shouldn't do jokes about Al Carnes
07:43Because I fear just turning the key in my house and from the shadows Al Carnes
07:47Well well well
07:48That's some funny jokes didn't you my friend?
07:50Yeah
07:51But is it funny when you're folded in two?
07:54Yeah
07:55I have fantasies about him turning the key in my bedroom drawer as well Dara
07:57But for different reasons
07:59Yeah I'm gay but he could fold me in two
08:01Don't worry
08:03Oh there's a lot of mixed messages coming for Al Carnes
08:06Does he drink Ron Seal?
08:09He looks a bit like him
08:09He looks like he ejaculates WD-40
08:15I reckon pissing WD-40 is not a bad idea
08:17Because the WD stands for water displacement doesn't it?
08:20It would go like a bit like a you know a hose pipe
08:23That would be good but Rhys did say ejaculating
08:25I did say ejaculating
08:26Oh ejaculating
08:27I didn't hear that because I'm innocent you know
08:31We've got too many of these guys ejaculating all over the place
08:34And Hugh he likes to clean it up
08:36Yeah
08:37No no no no
08:38I mean like tidy up
08:41Tidy up for the joke
08:42Yeah
08:44It's all true
08:44It's all true
08:45What have some backbench MPs been calling for?
08:47A caretaker
08:48A caretaker yes
08:49Why would we want a Prime Minister who wants to watch me after I'm getting changed from cross-country?
08:55LAUGHTER
08:55Yeah
08:57I thought the same thing
08:58That's a very unrelatable content
09:02Yeah
09:02Yes it is
09:03That is what that was proposed
09:05As if the country is like West Brom
09:07And
09:08Giving Sam Allardyce till the end of the season
09:10I mean we're already out of Europe
09:13Have they also been asking backbenchers
09:16Have they also been asking for more comfortable benches?
09:19You know what they need?
09:20Some WD-40
09:21You know what they can get?
09:22LAUGHTER
09:22What was it?
09:23Alcar
09:24I use that when I ejaculate
09:26LAUGHTER
09:28So you don't ejaculate it you use it to ejaculate
09:31Because that's a very difficult thing
09:33God almighty
09:34LAUGHTER
09:36I've got another science question
09:37Oh go on
09:37OK so if a lady's ovum makes the ejaculate of WD-40
09:42Yeah
09:42What kind of baby do they make?
09:44All I know is it slides out easy
09:46LAUGHTER
09:49Moving on
09:50Please
09:51What's going on here?
09:53Wow
09:54Look at the dickhead on that
09:56LAUGHTER
09:59Faraj is going
10:00The perfect Guinness
10:01Completely white
10:02LAUGHTER
10:04They're actually launching Reform's new anti-immigration beer
10:08Ban Miguel
10:09I don't know
10:10You know
10:11You know
10:12Yeah
10:17Reform IPA
10:18Light on the Indian
10:19Heavy on the pale
10:21LAUGHTER
10:22He'd just heard that the glasses were made in China
10:24So he didn't want them
10:25LAUGHTER
10:27I think he's done this on purpose right
10:28What's the first thing you think when you see that pint?
10:31Send it back
10:32He's in here.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:39There wouldn't be all that foamy if I'd tilted to the right.
10:43Yes, this is the former UK leader Nigel Farage and his chief whip,
10:47Lee Anderson, pictured recently in a Westminster pub,
10:49announcing a policy. They've announced a policy, an actual policy.
10:52What is the policy they announced? 5p off pints.
10:55That's the first half and you think, that sounds great.
10:58What's the second half of it?
10:59It's reinstating the two-cap child policy.
11:02It's quite a double whammy.
11:04It's like, we'll take £5 off your pint, yay,
11:06and we'll take it out of the mouths of children.
11:09I'm in. I'm all in. I love a discount.
11:11I bought a Charlie Biggum Rosagne yesterday
11:12because it had been reduced to £45.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:16I don't see how a child wearing two hats is going to change anything.
11:26It's quite short-term thinking as well, isn't it?
11:28Because if people get more pissed, they'll have more kids.
11:31Yeah.
11:32So, we're going to be...
11:32I don't know, Reece, don't know about you,
11:33I'm not capable of having kids after having a few ruddles, so...
11:36I am, as long as I've got the WD Ford.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40Because there are more coffee shops than pubs these days,
11:43but nobody got fingered in a coffee shop car park
11:46after six Americanos.
11:48So...
11:48This is not 100% true, but yeah.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:52We need to go come to Essex.
11:54Er...
11:54Come to Essex, there's a Costa coffee that's going to blow your mind.
11:58LAUGHTER
11:58That feeling when you're the only one on the line-up
12:00that's not been fingered in a cafe.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:04LAUGHTER
12:06Excuse me, Princess Grace.
12:08You've got to go.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:10Yeah, no, happy to move on.
12:12Er...
12:13I like it.
12:14I mean, I wish someone had made me observe a two-child cat.
12:17I haven't slept in the same bed as my husband since Tiger King.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21Why? Because did...
12:23I have so many kids.
12:23Tiger King an aphrodisiac?
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25It absolutely was.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Reece.
12:29Yeah.
12:30I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs,
12:32I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:37I've had so many kids.
12:40Can I just...
12:40Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes was a lifelong dream.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:46At the end of that round, the points go to Sarah, Reece and Catherine!
12:50APPLAUSE
12:51Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
13:00The next round is called Between the Lines.
13:03It features Hugh and Reece.
13:04Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
13:06Reece will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure
13:08on the world stage, while Hugh will translate what it really means.
13:11This week, Reece is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:17Are you fucking kidding me?
13:19LAUGHTER
13:19You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
13:23LAUGHTER
13:24Hello, it's me.
13:26Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:34What...what happened?
13:36LAUGHTER
13:38I am currently facing some personal challenges.
13:41And that is putting it fucking mildly.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45Things are starting to get serious for me.
13:47I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:52I realise now, I should have kept better company.
13:55Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
13:58LAUGHTER
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:10LAUGHTER
14:12LAUGHTER
14:12LAUGHTER
14:14LAUGHTER
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
14:17I spent my time on all fours panting a lot.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:22It's been incredibly exhausting, moving house.
14:25You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:32LAUGHTER
14:37I've changed.
14:38I will be spending my time in Sandringham, reflecting and quietly integrating.
14:43Hello, Norfolk ladies.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:47Hot former war hero, new in town, single and ready to mingle.
14:50Call me for golf, pizza and maybe...more?
14:53LAUGHTER
14:54The media are wrongly portraying me as a fat, arrogant sex addict
14:58with low intelligence.
15:00LAUGHTER
15:03I am not fat.
15:05LAUGHTER
15:06If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
15:10I will give you £12 million to shut the fuck up.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:14These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
15:17Some of them are over 17 years old.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:33Thank you very much, Rhys and Hugh.
15:37APPLAUSE
15:39APPLAUSE
15:43The next round is called Here Today, Gone Tomorrow.
15:46This game involves Glenn and Sarah.
15:49So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
15:51This round is a stand-up challenge.
15:52I launch a wheel of news and wherever you choose to stop,
15:54one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
15:57The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
15:59OK, here we go.
16:00Let's have our first topic, please.
16:02Let's spin the wheel.
16:03APPLAUSE
16:04And the topic is children.
16:08I am 32...
16:11..and I don't look it.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15It is a bit of a nightmare.
16:16Last summer, I was walking my friend's dog down the street,
16:19just having a nice time, a little pair of shorts,
16:21having a lovely day.
16:22There was a guy on the other side of the street, this guy,
16:24this older guy, he got level and this guy shouted,
16:27NO SCHOOL TODAY!
16:33And then I had to say,
16:34Oh, no.
16:39No, there's no school today.
16:42Because I am 32 years old.
16:45And he said,
16:46Oh, that's weird.
16:47I thought you were a young boy.
16:50I was like,
16:50I'm weird.
16:51Why are you starting a conversation with a young boy?
16:55What's your plan?
16:57Spooky man.
16:58My girlfriend hates it.
17:00She hates how young I look,
17:01because she looks like an adult woman.
17:02So if we walk around holding hands,
17:04what's she up to?
17:07We went for a drink.
17:08It was a hot day, really hot day.
17:09We went out for a drink.
17:10And for some reason,
17:11I don't know why,
17:12I decided I wanted a really, really dry rosé
17:15with an ice cube in it.
17:16Just fancied it.
17:17But I also needed to go to the bathroom.
17:19So I went off to the bathroom,
17:20and I said to my girlfriend what I wanted.
17:22She went off to the bar.
17:23She said,
17:23Can I get two really, really dry rosés
17:26with an ice cube in each one?
17:28And the guy behind the bar said,
17:30I'm not serving you until the young man you're with comes back.
17:35And I can check his ID.
17:37And she said, OK, well, just so you know,
17:39they are 32 years old.
17:41And he said, I don't believe that for a second.
17:44So what he thinks has happened is that I, a boy, 17 at most,
17:51have walked into a bar and said,
17:54I would like a very, very dry rosé for me.
17:59I would like a single ice cube.
18:03And if anybody asks,
18:05you must tell them that I am 32 years old.
18:11Thank you very much.
18:16That leaves us with Glenn.
18:18Let's see what your topic is.
18:19Let's spin the wheel.
18:21And the topic is bravery.
18:23Away you go.
18:25I'm not a brave person.
18:27I'm not very good at a conflict.
18:28I'll do anything in my life to avoid a fight.
18:30I'll do anything in my life to avoid,
18:32I think even the slightest disagreement.
18:33I'll give you an example.
18:34A few months ago, I was standing at a train platform.
18:36I was waiting for my train.
18:37A train came along that was not my train.
18:39The man behind me said, after you.
18:41And I got on the train.
18:45I get terrified of ever getting told off.
18:47I got told off by someone a few months ago.
18:48And it still haunts me to this day,
18:49because I truly don't know if I was in the wrong
18:52or if this stranger was being completely unreasonable.
18:53So who's in the wrong here?
18:55About six months ago, a woman told me off
18:57for holding the door open for her,
18:59because she was still pissing.
19:01What do you think?
19:02Is that how you're saying?
19:06I'm terrified of getting told off.
19:07I never have arguments.
19:08You know, it's not how I deal with situations.
19:09So if I did have, like, a nemesis,
19:11if I had an enemy,
19:11if I had someone I hated,
19:12someone whose life I wanted to destroy,
19:14someone I wanted to see brought down a peg or two,
19:15the way I'd ruin my enemy's life
19:17is not by defeating them face to face in an argument.
19:20I mean, the way you ruin your enemy's life
19:21is you just Google their name every day
19:22alongside the word allegations
19:24until you change the algorithm.
19:25That's what you do.
19:27And I'm the only person in my family
19:28who's not good at standing up for themselves.
19:30Everyone else in my family,
19:31they're good in a conflict.
19:32I've got members of my family
19:33who have been killed in conflicts for gold sake.
19:35My great uncle was killed in Vietnam
19:37last year in some weird sex den.
19:39Never gonna be like that.
19:41Very confrontational family, you know?
19:43It's like my grandmother always used to say to me,
19:44wouldn't you shut the fuck up?
19:45I, um...
19:48What have I achieved in my life?
19:49What had I achieved by the age of 25?
19:52You know?
19:52I, uh...
19:53I once poured a pint of beer for Jude Law.
19:56Yeah.
19:57Don't know why.
19:57I've never been in the same room as him.
19:58That was optimistic.
19:59I don't know.
20:01Like, even as I was pouring it,
20:02I was like...
20:04I don't know where he is.
20:06I don't want you to think I'm complaining
20:07about not being a brave person or anything like that.
20:09No, I feel like every time you complain
20:10about your life in the 21st century,
20:12that's such a slap in the face to every generation
20:14before you,
20:15who had life so much harder than you.
20:16You know?
20:16My parents' lives were harder than mine.
20:18My grandparents' lives were harder than theirs.
20:19My great-grandparents had to flee their home country
20:22during World War II
20:23and live the rest of their lives
20:24living in fear in Buenos Aires.
20:26I cannot imagine.
20:29Now, as my great-grandfather man,
20:30kind, caring, racist to a fault, OK?
20:33I can't stand up to anyone, you know?
20:34My wife even upset me the other day.
20:36I didn't say anything about it, OK?
20:37She upset me because she made a joke.
20:38I spent ages making dinner.
20:39It was very romantic.
20:40I dedicated my entire day to making dinner.
20:43I got out of bed.
20:44Had my normal morning routine.
20:45Had a cup of tea.
20:45Googled Rhys James allegations.
20:47I started making this amazing...
20:48LAUGHTER
20:49I put it down at the table in front of her.
20:51She takes one bite.
20:52She goes, ooh, compliments to the microwave.
20:54Piss off.
20:56That hurt my feelings.
20:57Because that dinner took me three and a half hours to make,
20:58you know?
20:59Because I had it on defrost.
20:59It's just so upsetting.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02APPLAUSE
21:03Well done, very good.
21:05At the end of that round, the points go to...
21:08And as they come back here.
21:10APPLAUSE
21:12Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
21:18APPLAUSE
21:20The next round is called, if this is the answer, what is the question?
21:24On the board are six categories.
21:25Hugh, which category would you like?
21:27Sport.
21:28Sport!
21:28OK, Hugh, your topic is sport.
21:30The answer is 25.
21:32What is the question?
21:33Is it, how old do I feel now that I'm back?
21:41Is it, how many times is Mock The Week mentioned in the Epstein files?
21:46I'll point out, we're not mentioned in the Epstein files,
21:49unlike QI and 8 out of 10 cats.
21:51OK.
21:53Is it, what is the maximum speed Keir Starmer will drive in a 30?
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59Is it, how many prostate exams can you book in for
22:02before they get suspicious?
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04There's something up there.
22:06There's something up there.
22:07There's something up there.
22:08Just have one more look.
22:09That's not how that works, either.
22:11Er...
22:12Just get the WD-40.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:15Is it, at what age did I stop wearing gloves
22:18that were connected by a piece of string?
22:20LAUGHTER
22:22Is it, um, how many people actually got Covid?
22:27LAUGHTER
22:29Wow!
22:30Yeah, fuck the BBC.
22:31We say what we want on TLC.
22:34Where have you been, what have you been doing for three years?
22:36I'm going to shut off.
22:37It's been so nice, everyone.
22:39I've been in a cave in Royston.
22:41You've been online all the time for three years.
22:44You don't catch it because you're Zen on gas.
22:48And WD-40 will, it's a conspiracy.
22:52Is it, what percentage of the Beatles have a parking app named after them?
22:55Eh?
22:57Yeah.
23:00Yeah.
23:01APPLAUSE
23:01Oh, yeah.
23:02Wow.
23:04Paid by Phil McCartney was really pissed off.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:07Is it, er, how many people my dad thinks I'm talking about
23:11when I describe somebody using they, their pronouns?
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16Is it, what's Rhys James' inside leg?
23:19Yeah.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:22Is it, how old does Rhys James look?
23:26Unless you get very close to him.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:29Is it, how many ounces of bull semen I rub on my face every day
23:32to keep these?
23:34LAUGHTER
23:34Is it, how many months old did Dara lose his hair?
23:38Oh!
23:40You know he's bald, right?
23:42I was also born bald.
23:45I mean, I didn't just get it for, like, a year...
23:48Oh, OK.
23:48We get it.
23:49You're a scientist.
23:54APPLAUSE
23:58Is it, how many seconds are there between Richard Attenborough
24:01saying welcome and to Jurassic Park?
24:04Is it, how many days of my cottage cheese advent calendar
24:08remain unopened?
24:10LAUGHTER
24:12And that's why you're not putting on muscle.
24:15Is it, what channel number is TLC?
24:18What is TLC?
24:19It depends on which service you're on.
24:21Anything from 12 to 133.
24:23It's a wonderful journey every Sunday evening.
24:25Thank you for finding us.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29You must be weary, Traffler.
24:32Rest your tired finger.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:37Is it, how many...?
24:38No, I haven't finished yet.
24:40Still in the 70s.
24:41Because he's giving up with his WD-40.
24:45Is it, how many hours does it take my four-year-old son
24:47to eat a fucking sandwich?
24:50Sorry, I've got problems at home.
24:52We all get that.
24:53Is it, how many times during a haircut
24:54do I think, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
24:55I should not have become a hairdresser?
24:57LAUGHTER
24:57LAUGHTER
24:58What comes after M in M25?
25:02LAUGHTER
25:04OK, what is the actual question?
25:08This is what...
25:09How many Winter Olympics have there been?
25:11Correct. Thank you very much, Hugh.
25:13Well done.
25:14APPLAUSE
25:18Yes, the question I was looking for was, how many Winter Olympics have there been, including this one?
25:23The 25th Winter Olympics is underway in Milan, Cortina, and will feature 2,900 athletes from 90 countries competing in
25:28116 events.
25:30So have you all been watching the festival of sliding in gravity?
25:34It's a lot more dangerous than the normal Olympics, isn't it?
25:36It really is, yeah.
25:37There's so much more jeopardy.
25:39Instantaneously dangerous.
25:40It's crazy.
25:40The normal Olympics is like, oh, how far can you jump into this sand pit?
25:44This is like, prepare for the icy slide of death.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:48Really, I sent you over a cliff.
25:49You weren't expecting that, were you?
25:51Yeah, yeah.
25:51The equivalent would be if the Summer Olympics, if the 100 metres was on, like, the top of a skyscraper
25:55that was exactly 100 metres wide.
25:58And they were being chased by a lion.
26:00Yeah.
26:00And then, and now we shall pour washing-up liquid all over the planet.
26:04Ready to go, oh!
26:07A lot of it is the, oh!
26:09Element to it all, yeah.
26:10The athletes from around the world, including two athletes from Greenland, who are taking part in the biathlon, which is
26:15the one where you ski and shoot.
26:17And because they're here, Greenland is undefended.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:22There's an actual competitive skiing and shooting at the same time?
26:27Well, not that, you do stuff.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:31You do shoot, I don't know what, you shoot targets.
26:33You shoot targets, yeah.
26:34What do you think we shoot?
26:35Elk.
26:35Elk.
26:37I mean, I think that would be more interesting.
26:38But they don't do like that with figure skating and stuff, do they?
26:40No, no, no.
26:41You don't have to pick them off like that.
26:43You'll just spin really fast while shooting a target.
26:46Then you're really dizzy, like, don't kill anyone.
26:49Oh, she's spraying wildly.
26:50Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:53What have ski jumpers at this year's Games been warned against doing?
26:56Enlarging their penises.
26:58Enlarging their penises.
26:59Because it actually makes you better at ski jumping.
27:02Whereas in the hurdles...
27:05LAUGHTER
27:05Yeah, they've been injecting, like, acid or something.
27:08It's hyaluronic acid.
27:09Hyaluronic acid, right?
27:10And I read it because it's dangerous because apparently there's loads of side effects if you do this,
27:13to try and increase the size of your penis.
27:14Like, apparently, some of the side effects.
27:16Um, memory loss.
27:19Um...
27:20LAUGHTER
27:21But it is...
27:22It's also...
27:23It is also...
27:24APPLAUSE
27:26Hugh, let them finish the most reluctant round of a plausible time.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:32Hyaluronic acid is also the active ingredient in lots of anti-aging things.
27:35Yes, it is.
27:36It has L'Oreal and...
27:37We'll tell you, right?
27:38Yeah.
27:39Not only does it give you a bigger penis, it takes years off it.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43That's why...
27:44It's much less wrinkly.
27:45That's why I feel sorry for penises, because they're born looking old.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:49Much like myself.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52So, so, yeah, hyaluronic acid and paraffin.
27:55So, it does sound so dangerous.
27:56Like, it does sound like something you don't want to do,
27:58but apparently you only have to gain, like, a couple of inches.
28:00Because this is, again, a science thing for you.
28:02I can have...
28:02This one I did...
28:03An aerodynamic thing.
28:05So, they think only...
28:06Because last Olympics, they got in trouble for just, like,
28:09opening their groins a couple of centimetres like the costumes
28:11a little bit.
28:12Apparently, just like an inch or something,
28:14and then you can gain feet and feet when you're actually...
28:16You get 2.8 metres per centimetre of cloth.
28:19Essentially, the aim is to be as much like a flying squirrel as possible.
28:22Yeah.
28:23A famously well-hung animal.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:26I don't understand this news story.
28:29What is a penis?
28:31LAUGHTER
28:33It's horrible, you wouldn't like it.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:35I couldn't believe it when I heard the words acid,
28:38because I guess if you're trying to get rid of a body,
28:39you have to be really specific about which acid you're using.
28:42Otherwise, you stood over a bath being like,
28:43it's not dissolving and the dick is getting bigger.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:48It would be the most flattering doping test to be called in before,
28:50though, wouldn't it?
28:50Just going, oh, come with me, big boy,
28:52we've got to check out what's going on.
28:54This sounds like an excuse men would give, too.
28:57They're like, no, no, no, mine's big enough,
28:58I'm just doing it for my country.
29:00Yeah.
29:00And it's caused all this scandal.
29:02Some people are calling it Penisgate,
29:04which I thought was a nice name for, like,
29:06that bit at the Y-fronts.
29:08Oh, yeah.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10I thought that was the Penisgate.
29:12I never thought you referred to it as Penisgate.
29:14Oh, just popped out the Penisgate.
29:16Can you close the Penisgate?
29:18Yeah.
29:18But it's not only...
29:19Presumably it's not any ski jumping.
29:21I would have thought penising laser must help me in the pole vault.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25No, it would be the opposite, because you'd catch the pole.
29:27You'd need a shrinking injection of the pole vault.
29:29Well, you wouldn't need a pole.
29:30You'd need to ice pack your...
29:31LAUGHTER
29:33So now they're doing it by measuring, like, the bottom,
29:36like, how far your genitals go down.
29:38So surely this benefits elderly men with their drooping balls.
29:41Yeah.
29:41And every ski jumper should just be 90 years old.
29:45If they also weigh nothing, they would fly through the airport.
29:47Greece! Greece!
29:48That's a picture of Captain Tom.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:52LAUGHTER
29:54Why has Elon Musk been in the news this week?
29:56He wants to launch a million satellites...
29:58Yes, he does.
29:59..into space...
30:00He does.
30:00..for, like, AI centres, and he wants them all to be solar-powered,
30:03cos he's a light supremacist.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:07But it does feel like a bit of a distraction
30:08if you have just been announced in the Epstein files, doesn't it?
30:10Just going, look up there, there's a million satellites!
30:14LAUGHTER
30:15Sorry to bombard you with science questions,
30:17but how can they be solar-powered in space when it's dark?
30:20Oh!
30:21LAUGHTER
30:21The sun's...
30:22Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in space.
30:24Yeah.
30:25He looked up and tweeted, he went,
30:26it's always sunny in space.
30:27Yeah.
30:27It's like, specifically not.
30:29It's pitch black.
30:29Why is it...
30:30Why is it never blue star on the moon?
30:31Why is space black, Dara?
30:33Oh, it's Dara!
30:33Tell us!
30:35Why won't you tell us?
30:37It's not a secret!
30:38I'm not keeping it from you,
30:39and it's not like I've been sworn to secrecy on this one.
30:43I'm not even going,
30:44they're on to us, they're on to us!
30:46LAUGHTER
30:46And there's an engine running
30:47and Brian Cox in the car going,
30:49come now, come now!
30:50LAUGHTER
30:51This is a bit like a filibuster.
30:53Yeah, you still have...
30:53It's not the question.
30:55It's not night-time in space.
30:57No, so it sort of follows the trajectory of the sun.
30:59You can arrange it so it's always on the sunny side,
31:01isn't that right?
31:02You can...
31:03You could.
31:04Or they just get...
31:04They're batteries, eh?
31:05And they just get lit when they go around.
31:07It doesn't explain why it's dark in space.
31:09It's day.
31:09The bit of space is...
31:10Yeah, but space, when you're in space,
31:12you can see that the sun is still there.
31:13What time is it in space?
31:14Oh, my God.
31:15LAUGHTER
31:17Yeah.
31:18APPLAUSE
31:21And is it fun in space?
31:24Yeah, actually,
31:24cos none of this happens.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:28OK, at the end of that round,
31:30the points go to Glen, Hugh and Sarah!
31:33APPLAUSE
31:35Join us after the break.
31:37For more Mock The Week.
31:40APPLAUSE
31:45Now we play a game called...
31:47You think that's bad?
31:48In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
31:50this is a chance for our performers to compete,
31:52to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives,
31:54and I decide whose is the worst.
31:55Would anyone care to start us off?
31:57I'll start.
31:58Go on.
31:58So, I have therapy, and I was telling my therapist
32:01about how I was bullied at school,
32:03and she asked me to describe it,
32:04and then she said,
32:05Oh, that's not bullying.
32:07You just weren't liked.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:11Pretty bad, darling.
32:13Pretty bad.
32:13Oh, my God!
32:14Pretty bad.
32:14That's amazing!
32:16Did she say that whilst flushing your head down the toilet?
32:20LAUGHTER
32:21That's how she cleans away my tears at the end of the session.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:24You think that's bad?
32:25My therapist actually recommended I quit doing stand-up
32:29in a YouTube comment about six months before we met.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:33I've started going to therapy because I've got anger issues,
32:36and I'm working, I get really angry about stuff that doesn't matter,
32:38but I already know where I get it from.
32:39I get it from my biological father,
32:40who's a really angry guy, my biological father.
32:42The main thing he gets angry about is that he raised me my whole life,
32:44and he's my normal dad, but I still call him that for a laugh.
32:48If you think that's bad, I recommended Harold Shipman
32:52to be ambassador to Morocco.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:55You think that's bad?
32:56My husband stopped listening to Joe Rogan
32:58because he thought he was too woke.
33:01LAUGHTER
33:01If you think that's bad, I want...
33:03I went to the shop to buy a cauliflower,
33:06but I accidentally bought a cabbage,
33:08and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:13LAUGHTER
33:15LAUGHTER
33:16APPLAUSE
33:18When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:21LAUGHTER
33:22Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer.
33:24I'll give it one more layer.
33:26It must be in here.
33:27And I really wish I was a good enough comedian
33:28to have made that up.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33That is very bad, but that's sort of bad in vegetables.
33:35I think this is worse.
33:36My son towed four the other day,
33:37and some of the parents were sort of standing around
33:39at the party chatting,
33:40and that's how I found out
33:41I'm supposed to have been making him brush his teeth.
33:43Oh!
33:44I thought that was something we all sort of did for ourselves.
33:46I was supposed to have been, like,
33:47having a toothbrush in his mouth every day.
33:49You thought there was an instinct that kicked in.
33:51Come and see!
33:51See what you've done with the taste of him.
33:53He's had teeth for ages.
33:55I can't wait to hear how shitty your therapist is about this.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:01I'll tell you what's really good for cleaning your teeth.
34:03What?
34:03WD-40.
34:05LAUGHTER
34:06That's why my teeth are so clean.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:09Hanging out with you-know-who.
34:11You think that's bad?
34:12I was a really small child, can you guess?
34:14No!
34:15Were you?
34:15Yeah, exactly.
34:16I was.
34:16I was a small child.
34:18Go fuck yourself.
34:21But my mum used to measure mine and my brother's heights
34:23by marking it on the kitchen door frame every six months
34:25to see how much we'd grown,
34:27and mine stayed the same for so long,
34:29people would come round and assume I had died.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:34You know, as you get older, you get more hair.
34:36You get hair in strange places.
34:37I plucked a nose hair the other day,
34:40and my tonsils came out with it.
34:43LAUGHTER
34:44You know, plucking a nose hair,
34:45it can actually break a nose
34:47if you don't ask the person first.
34:49LAUGHTER
34:51And we're going to give it round.
34:52The poets go to Theresa Catarat!
34:57APPLAUSE
34:58Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
35:01so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
35:03I'll read out this week's topics,
35:05and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
35:07OK, here we go.
35:08The first subject is...
35:10Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
35:13It's happened.
35:14They've risen from the dead.
35:15And now they're here to mock more weeks.
35:19LAUGHTER
35:22We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
35:24We need you to befriend a nonce.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:31The terrorists have seized the president and taken him hostage,
35:35and since then, everything's felt quite lovely.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:42Finally, we meet, Bond.
35:44I just need to finish my interpretive dance,
35:47and I'll be back with you.
35:48LAUGHTER
35:56I am Thanos.
35:59The talking bookcase from Ikea.
36:03LAUGHTER
36:07The calls are coming from inside the house.
36:09Oh!
36:11We have a landline?
36:13LAUGHTER
36:15My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.
36:18Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,
36:20and ambassador for men's mental health.
36:23LAUGHTER
36:27I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
36:31telling him to put the fucking toilet seat down.
36:34LAUGHTER
36:38They say the killer comes from a musical theatre background,
36:41and they could be among us as we speak.
36:44LAUGHTER
36:44APPLAUSE
36:47I've come here from the dying alien planet of Krypton
36:50to save mankind, which, on reflection,
36:53is not something I should have told the ICE agent.
36:56LAUGHTER
37:01How have I shit myself this badly?
37:04LAUGHTER
37:06If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
37:09The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:18I'm ready for the revolution,
37:19and I've brought the wavy vanilla ice cream
37:21between layers of crisp chocolate.
37:23Sorry, V for Vendetta.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:31And you see, the thing is,
37:33he's got those cold, lifeless eyes,
37:35black eyes like dolls' eyes,
37:37and then you hear that horrible, high-pitched,
37:39blippy-blobby-blobby-blobby!
37:42LAUGHTER
37:44LAUGHTER
37:46LAUGHTER
37:47My love, Cinderella has left this shoe behind,
37:50so now I need every woman in the kingdom
37:53to show me her feet.
37:56LAUGHTER
37:57What do you mean?
37:58It's a completely normal plan.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03Some say you can still hear the farmer who used to live here
38:06milking the cows in the middle of the night.
38:08So if anyone hears anything that sounds like that,
38:10that's what it is, OK?
38:15Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
38:18I'm sorry, Dara.
38:20I can't do that.
38:23LAUGHTER
38:27How long does it take you to defuse a bomb?
38:29I don't know, about ten minutes.
38:30You've got 30 seconds!
38:32Oh, all right, then I can't.
38:34LAUGHTER
38:38I still can't do that, Dara.
38:46Well, I'm here with my friends.
38:48There's a lion, he would like some courage,
38:51and there's a scarecrow, and he would like a brain.
38:54And then there's a tin man,
38:55and he would like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his joints.
38:59LAUGHTER
39:01LAUGHTER
39:05No, no, no.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:10I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
39:12asking him to notice that my hair
39:14is a completely different fucking colour today.
39:17LAUGHTER
39:20I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
39:24realising it's a mirror
39:25and that gender is a social construct.
39:30APPLAUSE
39:31Not the week has changed!
39:35Well, yeah, of course I spent my money
39:36populating this place with dinosaurs.
39:38What else is a billionaire supposed to do with an island?
39:41LAUGHTER
39:43You think Slytherin's bad for sorting hat
39:45put Hermione in reform?
39:48LAUGHTER
39:50APPLAUSE
39:51OK, the next topic is...
39:53Shout-up lines that won't work.
39:57Hey, girl, are you the film The Notebook?
39:59Because it seems everyone's touched by you, except for me.
40:02LAUGHTER
40:06No, don't be put off. I don't normally walk like this.
40:09The last guy I slept with was a ski jumper.
40:12LAUGHTER
40:17Can you iron?
40:20LAUGHTER
40:25Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
40:27I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
40:29LAUGHTER
40:33If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I,
40:38and then a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:45The room just lit up when you walked in.
40:48I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:53LAUGHTER
40:57Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:00Because I want to take you back to my place
41:02and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:07APPLAUSE
41:10My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse
41:13on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:17LAUGHTER
41:19I would take the stars from the skies
41:21and put them in your eyes.
41:23That noise, that's Dara Breen crying
41:25because the stars are in the wrong place.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:29LAUGHTER
41:32Wow.
41:33God must have taken the day off after making you,
41:35because you seem like a lot of work.
41:38LAUGHTER
41:41LAUGHTER
41:43APPLAUSE
41:45Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?
41:46Because you're the only 10IC.
41:48No?
41:49Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?
41:50Because you've made my Pennsylvania.
41:53LAUGHTER
41:54LAUGHTER
42:00Forgive me, forgive me.
42:01Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:04LAUGHTER
42:05Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:08I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:10What do you think of just Andrew?
42:13LAUGHTER
42:16I say most men can't even find it.
42:18But I can.
42:19The lost kingdom of Shambhala.
42:22LAUGHTER
42:24Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
42:27I come with a little toy.
42:29LAUGHTER
42:33Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:36I...
42:36Yeah, I know, Rhys.
42:38LAUGHTER
42:44I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
42:48I only escaped this morning.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:53Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
42:56You might be eligible for compensation.
42:59LAUGHTER
43:01I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:04LAUGHTER
43:07Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog?
43:12LAUGHTER
43:14Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:15Because you're the only ten I see.
43:17No?
43:18Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:20Because you should have this Virginia.
43:22LAUGHTER
43:26Come on, don't be silly.
43:28You pay.
43:30LAUGHTER
43:32If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:35Chee-li-wah-du-wah-li-wah.
43:38LAUGHTER
43:43Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
43:47LAUGHTER
43:50All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
43:52because it gets to touch your...
43:53Oh, she's gone.
43:54She's gone.
43:55LAUGHTER
43:57You know, they call me the stallion.
43:59At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:01while Claire Balding commentates.
44:04LAUGHTER
44:04At the end of that round,
44:06the portrait of Sarah, Rhys and Catherine!
44:08APPLAUSE
44:10And that's the end of the show.
44:12This week's winners are...
44:14Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:17CHEERING
44:18Commiserations to Catherine Ryan, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth.
44:21CHEERING
44:24I'm Gary Green.
44:25Good night.
44:29meditation really on!
44:31Then we eat more.
44:35We beat the world!
44:37We beatоля.
44:38weißeGovsy in book.
44:38Click here in our plan.
44:43Yet..ش?
44:44answer
44:47in check We finish
44:48off for something there. How to
44:52stay! 3
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