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02:35Is it what we're going to have to lower the drinking age to to save all the pubs?
02:41Is it how many sex positions do I know?
02:46Is it how many syllables and what the syllables are in Desmond's surname?
03:01Is it what is the maximum number of sneezes you can do in a row before I think you're an
03:05attention-seeking ballot?
03:07Is it how many words does Donald Trump read on an autocue before he goes off screen?
03:14Is it what's my Uber rating given I always ask for a go on the gears?
03:21Do you have the correct answer please?
03:23Yeah.
03:23How many people know what the word wathering actually means?
03:28Did someone actually win two gold medals at the Winter Olympics?
03:32Like two?
03:32That's correct.
03:33Thank you very much, Riolini.
03:34You're very good.
03:34Yes.
03:37Yes, the question I'm looking for was how many gold medals did Team GB's Matt Weston win at this year's
03:42Winter Olympics in Milan-Cortina?
03:43This news that Weston became the first British athlete in history to win two medals in a single Winter Olympics.
03:48The men's skeleton and the mixed team skeleton with Tabitha Stoker.
03:52That's mad, the skeleton.
03:53It's an insane event.
03:54I'm going down a mountain on a tea tray.
03:56I'd rather go down on a gorilla.
03:59Too many Winter Olympic sports are the same.
04:01It's all just versions of sledding, isn't it?
04:03Yes.
04:04It's just sledding head first, sledding feet first, sledding feet first with a bloke on top of you.
04:10There's too many Winter Olympic sports where the person doing it could die halfway through and we wouldn't even know.
04:17In the skeleton, if a corpse was going round, they could be on their third victory lap and we'd only
04:21then be out.
04:23Do you think they'd loop around on that course?
04:26Are the dead ones why they called it skeleton?
04:30I love the name.
04:31Like, I just read, what is it, Matt Weston wins skeleton gold?
04:35What a great headline.
04:36It is, it could be anything.
04:37You found the skeleton gold, adventurer.
04:40But the orcs' rubies will not come so easily.
04:43He's either Winter Olympian or a pirate.
04:45They're the two people who win skeleton gold.
04:47The headline, Brit takes gold in skeleton, does sound like we're just trying to fill up the British Museum again.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54They said he celebrated with three slices of margarita pizza.
04:59Like, that's the rich tea of pizzas, for a start.
05:01Like, if I won a gold medal at the Olympics, I'd be waterboarding myself with Ben and Jerry's
05:06and them getting bonnie-blued by the Danish ice hockey team.
05:08That's right.
05:16I'll just let you get that image out of your head, Scott.
05:18When you're being issued by clairbalding, you wouldn't use the word bonnie-blue as a verb.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:26Didn't we win a gold in snowboarding as well?
05:28Yeah, in the Snowboard Cross, which is an excellent event, because you send one group down first
05:33and then you stagger the...
05:35Oh, it's just a really good race of a thing, yeah.
05:37The Snowboard Cross Mixed Relay.
05:39Yes.
05:39Which is way too specific and way too many words to be impressive.
05:43Yeah.
05:43It's like the sort of award that a service station wins.
05:47When you're at a service station, you see a sign that says,
05:49we've got officially the most carbon-neutral WH Smiths on the M6 southbound.
05:55We'll never be a winter sport power because of our climate.
05:59Like, I went to Canada a couple of winters ago.
06:01It was minus 30 degrees when I landed.
06:04Minus 30.
06:05If it got to minus 30 in this country, do you think the airports would still be open?
06:09If it got to minus 30 in this country, the king would go on the news to legalise cannibalism.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:17All order is over.
06:19Just survive.
06:20Just survive.
06:21We may see you in spring, we may not.
06:25Matt, to be credit for what he's done, like, whatever,
06:28only took this up because he was injured playing other sports.
06:30One of these people who's generally very good at sports.
06:32And he ended up in hospital with shattered back and then was noticed
06:36because one day the porter was pushing him for the operation and slipped.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:42And he went out the front door of the hospital and down the main street
06:45and he's like,
06:46Ah!
06:47And there were two guys lifting it, they had a pane of glass
06:49and they're, like, forward and bashing it.
06:51Ah!
06:52And then there's a guy going, oh, I've set up my fruit stall for the day.
06:55And he went through that.
06:56And then there's a washing line and he went through that as well.
06:58And then he's all in ladies' underwear.
07:00Ah!
07:01LAUGHTER
07:03APPLAUSE
07:04How have the curling events been the hotbed of controversy
07:08at these Olympics?
07:08Well, there's been lots of controversy about cheating, Dara.
07:11Oh, yes.
07:11But there's always been cheating and curling.
07:13It's just usually they sweep you under the carpet really quickly.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:22Oh, it's been so controversial, there's been more double-touching
07:25at this Olympics than in the Epstein files.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29They said it was a lot of fuss over nothing, didn't they?
07:31The double-touching.
07:33They said there's not much a single finger can do.
07:35I say you haven't lived.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:38It's the finger in question.
07:39It's the Canadian...
07:40Is that a lingering finger?
07:41Is that a lingering finger past the line?
07:43You can't...
07:43You have to release it and not let it go like when the Swedes were furious.
07:46There was swearing, wasn't there?
07:47There was swearing.
07:48Swearing on the ice.
07:49Curling's boring.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51I get why they cheated.
07:53To get the glory of being an Olympic gold medalist in curling.
07:56There's not a person in this room who didn't grow up
07:59wanting to be Klauschflogel when they were...
08:01LAUGHTER
08:03What is the actual issue with double-touching?
08:05Is it because it will make you go blind?
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09There is a big cultural difference with the Canadians
08:12that maybe we don't realise.
08:13My wife is Canadian, so I know this.
08:15Like, I remember on our first date, I said to her,
08:17you look a million dollars, right?
08:19Do you have any idea how weak the Canadian dollar is?
08:24But curling is, to be fair, like, obviously curling is pathetic.
08:27We know that.
08:28It's a stag-do activity at best.
08:30OK, curling.
08:31What?
08:31That's a shit stag-do, isn't it?
08:34It's dots.
08:35It's no different.
08:35It is darts.
08:36It is darts.
08:36It's a pub game.
08:37Who's doing darts on their stag-do?
08:39Never organise a stag-do.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:42It's very tough to be a stripper at that stag-do.
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47I said single touch, not double.
08:49But it is the only Winter Olympic sport with transferable skills,
08:52because there's a cleaning element to it, where you could actually
08:55do a job after it.
08:56Why did you point at me when you're talking about cleaning?
08:59I thought it was directing at me.
09:02Oh, OK, yeah, let the Irishman clean.
09:03Yeah.
09:05You're just in the crossfire like a stripper on a stag-do, I'm afraid.
09:09But, like, the other Olympics, there's no transferable skills, is there?
09:12If you do the luge, what can you do?
09:14Just test out MRI machines in future.
09:18It has been an Olympics marked by, and this sounds obvious in a way,
09:22people slipping and sliding.
09:23There's been a lot of people falling over and doing badly.
09:25I mean, the men's figure skating.
09:27Oh!
09:27I mean, what a huge surprise, because all of the favourites fell,
09:31and the winner was the guy who just did a figure of eight
09:33pushing a penguin.
09:35LAUGHTER
09:36But this guy, I feel for him, because he's an American citizen,
09:39but his parents are both Russian, so it's not surprising
09:43he's getting a bit nervous around ice.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:48APPLAUSE
09:50Meanwhile, what's going on here?
09:55Well, I guess it's not just the police who are looking for leads.
09:58LAUGHTER
10:05I really feel I stepped on your toes there. I do apologise, Mark.
10:08Dogs are usually taken out for a shit, not by a shit.
10:13It's actually nice to see him wearing trousers, for once.
10:18I think what's happened is he's realised that the only way that
10:21the British public could hate him more is if he becomes the dog bin man.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27I think that dog's looking pretty healthy, given in the last six weeks
10:30it's probably only been fed shredded documents.
10:34LAUGHTER
10:41Is he going, these sacrifices to Satan are getting bigger and bigger?
10:45Do you think his PR team have just gone, you need to look more normal,
10:48just go out and take your dog for a walk? Not like that!
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52Do you know your rigid dog?
10:54That rigid dog you have, bring that rigid dog out for a walk somewhere.
10:57That would be great.
10:59He looks like he hasn't got cash to pay the cabbie and he's gone,
11:02is this all right?
11:03LAUGHTER
11:04Maybe he's just snapped and there's all the paparazzis who take the dog
11:07and go...
11:12He's holding it the wrong way round.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:17I can't remember how long it took to train my dog,
11:19but it'll come to me.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23The thing that upsets me about the whole Mandelson thing though,
11:25really, is that the police searched his house and it took them two days.
11:29If the police searched my house, it would take four minutes.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32They would just be like, oh, is it under the stairs?
11:33He doesn't have stairs.
11:35Oh, is it in the garden?
11:36He doesn't have a garden.
11:38Oh, is it under the mattress?
11:39You're not going to believe this.
11:42Has anyone been on the island recently, by the way?
11:44Has anyone actually gone out to that island?
11:46Is that still...is it still operating?
11:47Are you wondering if you could get a cheap holiday?
11:49LAUGHTER
11:50This is the stuff Martin Lewis won't tell you.
11:54Surely the flights will be relatively cheap now.
11:56And the accommodation will be clear.
11:59And there's no one there.
12:00Like, whatever.
12:00I mean, it must have...
12:00It must have been Jurassic Park.
12:02It must have reverted back to nature this day.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:04Is it going to turn up on one of those Omaze ads?
12:07LAUGHTER
12:10This incredible island with somebody scrubbing furiously at the back.
12:15It's like how weddings are really cheap
12:17if you have them on September the 11th still.
12:19It's that sort of...
12:19Yeah.
12:20So, what, we're talking a 9-11 wedding on Epstein Island?
12:23Yes!
12:23LAUGHTER
12:25I want to know what the payment references were.
12:28Cos he supposedly got sent 75 grand in three payments by Epstein.
12:31But when you, like, buy a dildo on the internet,
12:33it doesn't say dildoshop.com on your bank statement.
12:36It does not.
12:36It says...
12:36How do you know that?
12:37It says, like...
12:39It says, like, Dartmouth Solutions Limited.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:43How...
12:44By the way, fearfully, upstairs,
12:45there's a lawyer typing in Dartmouth Solutions.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:50His financial...
12:51His financial advisor going,
12:53What?!
12:54We're on the telly!
12:55You're on the telly!
12:56This is the best press I've ever got in my life!
12:58LAUGHTER
12:58Look, if you buy a dildo now online,
13:00what you do is...
13:02Banks will go,
13:02Are you sure this is not a scam?
13:04Have you checked the dildo?
13:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:04Have you looked at the dildo?
13:05Who did you buy the dildo from?
13:06Like, whatever.
13:07Is it definitely a real dildo?
13:08Yeah, just stop making me.
13:09Stop asking me questions.
13:11Is this...
13:11Is this dildo for a relative?
13:13LAUGHTER
13:19That happens!
13:20That's crap!
13:21I look at Mandelson now,
13:23and I just wonder,
13:23how much more scandal,
13:25how much more disgrace
13:26can this man be hit with?
13:28I mean, what is going to emerge next?
13:30Is it going to be...
13:30Is it going to emerge that
13:31Mandelson wrote the finale of Game of Thrones?
13:35LAUGHTER
13:35And that he's got Nando's black card
13:37and he only uses it for water?
13:38Is that how bad things are going to get?
13:40It's going to be a picture of him
13:40kissing a bat in Wuhan in 2020.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:45APPLAUSE
13:46At the end of that round,
13:47the points will go to Angela, Sean and Alistair.
13:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:53Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
14:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:04The next round is called Between the Lines
14:06and features Alistair and Reece.
14:08Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
14:10Reece will deliver a speech
14:11on the guise of a leading figure on the world stage
14:12and Alistair will translate what they really mean.
14:14This week, Reece is Emmanuel Macron.
14:17Oh, ho, ho.
14:18LAUGHTER
14:20Bonjour, je m'appelle Emmanuel Macron.
14:23Je suis le président de la République.
14:26Je voudrais vous parler.
14:28Er...
14:28Is this going to be all in French?
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33Our countries are...
14:35I've lost confidence in the accent.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:44I'm going back to my one, thank you.
14:47Our countries are so close geographically,
14:50it is a pleasure to make the trip.
14:52I'm going to do the accent the whole way through.
14:56LAUGHTER
15:01I came by dinghy from Calais to piss off Nigel Farage.
15:05LAUGHTER
15:06I am so cool, I even wear sunglasses indoors.
15:10I have conjunctivitis.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13We will work tirelessly in the defence of Europe.
15:1624 hours a day, seven days a week.
15:19We will work tirelessly in the defence of Europe,
15:22six hours a day, four days a week.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26Back home, I have to be on my guard
15:28against the rising right.
15:30Mind you, Bridget has a great left hook too.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:34I remain very sad about Brexit.
15:38Eh.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:46The UK has been in the EU since 1973.
15:49It was so long ago, my wife was only in her 40s.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Remember, it was France that lit the flame of liberty for the world.
15:57And then threw it through the window of the nearest car.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:01I will defend negative stereotypes of the French until my last breath.
16:06Although, it will smell of garlic.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:09European countries all face the same common problems.
16:13Moi.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:14I want to say that I am very sympathetic to the difficulties Keir Starmer is having.
16:20LAUGHTER
16:23I have an excellent relationship with Trump.
16:25I am so far up his arse, I can see Keir Starmer's shoes.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:32Well done, Gerice and Alistair!
16:36APPLAUSE
16:40So, what's going on here?
16:43Has Keir Starmer just won rock, paper, scissors to get all the chairs?
16:47LAUGHTER
16:49What I'm more worried about is why, at this conference,
16:52is there a headboard with a pair of gold handcuffs on the floor?
16:57LAUGHTER
16:57Dartmouth Solutions Limited.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:02We also arrange conferences.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:05Is Starmer saying Britain doesn't need to increase defence spending?
17:09Not with these fists!
17:11LAUGHTER
17:13Let me show you my one-inch punch.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17Does Starmer think this is the first date's restaurant and that's Fred?
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23What is this and where has this happened? Do we know?
17:25I think this is Munich, where Macron was giving a speech about Europe's need to rearm.
17:31And it's very important that that is delivered in a French accent and not a German accent.
17:37LAUGHTER
17:38If they went with the French accent, the ideal accent would have been a Geordi accent,
17:41because it's statistically the most trustworthy.
17:43Like, I regret to inform yous all that we are at war with Russia.
17:48Divent panic.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:51Yes, it is. Emmanuel Macron with UK Prime Minister.
17:53I'm a picture at the Munich Security Conference recently.
17:57Do you know what Macron said during his speech?
17:58I found it pretty harrowing to hear him say that he wants Europe to become a geopolitical power.
18:03Sorry, are we not already a geopolitical power?
18:05That's like if you were getting a driving lesson and the instructor goes,
18:08God, one day I hope to pass my test.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:12The end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria!
18:19The next round is called You Win Some, You Lose Some.
18:23This game...
18:27..involves Mark and Sean, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
18:30This round is a stand-up challenge, I launch the Wheel of News
18:32and wherever you choose to stop, one of our performers must step forward
18:34and talk about that subject.
18:36The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
18:38OK, here we go.
18:38Let's have our first topic, please.
18:41OK, it's media.
18:43Ooh.
18:46Everything's changing in the media.
18:48Apparently, we're the last generation who ever going to know what a newspaper is.
18:52All right, physical newspapers are going to die out in the next ten years.
18:55I know this is a tragedy.
18:56Because they're the one thing from our time on this earth,
18:58the future generations, they're not going to be able to get their heads around.
19:01You tell a kid in 30 years what a newspaper was,
19:05they're going to be like, what are you talking about?
19:06You're telling me there was a 7,000-page document
19:09with all the news in it and all the sport
19:12and some of them just had tits in.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16You go, yeah, that's what we had before the internet.
19:18Big sort of Argos catalogue full of news, sport.
19:21Yes, topless women, but also money advice, Garfield comics,
19:24financial news, all this sort of stuff.
19:26What was it, like once a month you'd get it?
19:28Every day of your life.
19:30There was a new one to read every day of your life.
19:33What, even on Sunday?
19:34On Sunday they were twice as big, no-one knows why.
19:38No-one knows why, but they were there waiting for you
19:41on your doorstep in the morning.
19:43What, there wasn't like a shop that you went to?
19:45This is going to sound crazy.
19:46We hired children to bring them to us.
19:52I don't know how any of it was legal.
19:55We had massive heavy bricks full of tits and images of war
19:59and we summoned the children from their beds.
20:04Get up! Get up, Bernard!
20:06Drag this sack around the neighbourhood.
20:07Mr O'Reilly needs to see a topless woman before seven o'clock.
20:11Or he's not going to drive the school bus.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:15Thank you very much, Charles!
20:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:20OK, the lead is with Mark.
20:21Let's see what your topic is.
20:22Let's spin the wheel.
20:25Going out.
20:29I've had a great day today.
20:30Went out earlier, found some money in the street.
20:33Just next to some blokes singing.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:39So my wife hates public displays of affection.
20:42Like, one day she wouldn't kiss me in front of people
20:44and I think she ruined our wedding.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:48That's not true.
20:50No, I don't have a wife.
20:53Do I have a girlfriend?
20:54No, that's true.
20:55And as she asked her, she wants to go out for a meal tomorrow night,
20:58she said yes.
20:59So now I've got the flat to myself.
21:05Recently went to an Italian restaurant.
21:07Couldn't decide which pizza I wanted.
21:09And the guy was like, half and half?
21:10I was like, no, I'll pay.
21:15Asked the woman where the toilet was.
21:16She said it straight out the back.
21:18I said, I know how to do it.
21:25The other day my grandmother fell asleep in the restaurant.
21:28It's OK, cos it was Nando's.
21:35This gig, this guy's phone went off, bit rude.
21:37He answered it just having a chat.
21:39Just started having a chat during the gig.
21:41I was like, right, I'm a professional comedian.
21:43I'll deal with this.
21:43I said, who is it?
21:44He went, it's your mum.
21:46And that got laughs in the room.
21:48Actually, it is quite funny.
21:50Anyway, turns out he'd nicked my phone.
21:54I did this benefit gig, like a charity fundraiser
21:57and Boris Johnson was there, right?
21:59And he knew I was a comedian.
22:00He asked me the classic question.
22:02He said, what's the worst heckle you've ever had?
22:04And I said, fuck off, you wanker.
22:07I don't get heckled.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:10Thank you very much, Mark.
22:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:14And the fans go to...
22:16Sean McLaughlin!
22:17Let me come back here.
22:18Thank you very much.
22:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:21Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
22:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:32Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
22:36I should have found a topic in a minute and asked to tell me
22:38what's happening.
22:38So, teens, what's going on here?
22:41Six hard hats, one helmet.
22:44LAUGHTER
22:46This is a...
22:47It's a work they visit from a local company.
22:50I think they're called Dartmouth Solutions.
22:52LAUGHTER
22:54Very discreet.
22:55Ring them up, call them.
22:56It won't appear in your phone bill.
22:58It's very good.
22:58They're not a scam.
23:00Is it the village people?
23:02Yeah.
23:03This is why you checked the WhatsApp.
23:05I'm going as a builder.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08Gosh, it's nice to see someone who's in the Epstein files
23:11actually surrounded by actual miners.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:19Yes, of course, this is US President Donald Trump
23:22with a group of coal miners receiving an award.
23:24Somebody gave an award to Donald Trump.
23:26This comes at a time when Trump has also reversed
23:28environment policy from the Obama era
23:30that declared greenhouse gases endangering public health,
23:32claiming it was a giant scam.
23:34So, what award did he get from the Washington Coal Club?
23:37He won the Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal Award.
23:41What?
23:42And I cannot believe that award has allowed itself
23:45to be demeaned like this.
23:47Right-wing coal miners are baffling to me, you know?
23:50I grew up in Durham where it was all about coal mines
23:52and it was all about the unions.
23:53Like, when I was a kid, even fairy lights were fully unionised,
23:57you know?
23:57You remember in the 90s?
23:58Because if one of them stopped working...
24:01LAUGHTER
24:04APPLAUSE
24:04One out, all out.
24:06APPLAUSE
24:07Solidarity.
24:09He's making it out to be a huge thing,
24:11but it's just a minor award.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14It is just...
24:15Like, what you do to get a kid to eat their dinner,
24:17it's embarrassing, they're having to make up a...
24:19It's what the brownies and the scouts are all about.
24:21I've long said that, why does that have to stop?
24:25You know, I would definitely do my tax return on time
24:27if I got a badge.
24:29Like, why don't we get badges for adult things?
24:31Not adult things.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:35Here's your blowjob badge.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:37I would definitely get it, but where would I sew it on?
24:40LAUGHTER
24:41What would I have to do to be brown now, eh?
24:43Nothing...
24:43Nothing would be sexy.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:46Sorry, goodbye.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49Nothing would be better than a woman in a negligee
24:51with loads of badges sewn onto the negligee.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:54I think the badge...
24:54This one for hands, this one for face.
24:56You can get a self-esteem badge.
24:59How shit are you going to feel if you don't get it?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:03Who else has been excited to meet Trump recently?
25:05Oh, Liz Truss.
25:06Liz Truss!
25:07Look at her little face!
25:08Oh, yeah.
25:08Look at her little face!
25:10She's so excited.
25:12Looks like they're about to go out first round on Pointless.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:18To me, it's why when people post photographs on Facebook
25:20with the caption,
25:21he has good days and bad days.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:26We took him for a lovely lunch at that hotel we usually go to.
25:32It's really nice.
25:33I've actually done some research about this picture.
25:34I saw this picture and not many people know this,
25:36but that woman was the Prime Minister.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41It is very weird seeing, like, a small-time British villain
25:45meet a big, proper, international villain, you know?
25:48It's like Scarface meeting Blakey from off the buses.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53I've got a question.
25:54In America, if two immigration agents have a kid,
25:59is that an ice-ice baby?
26:02LAUGHTER
26:09You're pushing it, you are...
26:11LAUGHTER
26:13At the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria!
26:18APPLAUSE
26:21Our next round is Connections.
26:24I show the panel pictures of two well-known figures
26:27and ask them to tell me how they might be connected.
26:29So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
26:34Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
26:39LAUGHTER
26:40It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47That'll be fine now.
26:49House's fault, thank you very much.
26:51Is it that everyone thought in the reboot they'd both be played by a woman?
26:57LAUGHTER
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58I had in my cold, dead hands.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01Is it sex addiction?
27:06LAUGHTER
27:08LAUGHTER
27:08LAUGHTER
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10LAUGHTER
27:12LAUGHTER
27:14He's got Bond girls.
27:16Have you got O'Brien girls?
27:18O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
27:21The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
27:25Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble.
27:27They've been tipping the cows again out there.
27:29O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing,
27:32sort of, 40 years ago.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:33Oh, no!
27:34No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
27:37The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
27:40LAUGHTER
27:46Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
27:48LAUGHTER
27:50Is it that you've both had characters based on you
27:52in the Austin Powers films?
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58LAUGHTER
27:58LAUGHTER
28:01Don't even finish that, don't even extend that.
28:03Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06Is it that you've got the licence to kill Sean's career?
28:10LAUGHTER
28:10You've been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
28:14You're welcome.
28:15That's the nicest of all of them.
28:17Both just really attractive, charismatic people
28:20I have a lot of respect for.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:24Both of you think you're the main guy,
28:26but it's all the teams around you that make it good.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:30Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
28:33have actually been played by Irish people?
28:35Ooh.
28:36It's...
28:36OK, well, played by...
28:38LAUGHTER
28:39LAUGHTER
28:39This is not a...
28:41It's not a persona I have that I've got.
28:43He's really Irish.
28:44Yeah.
28:45After the show goes, oh...
28:46The thing that...
28:47Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
28:49Yes, yes, yes.
28:50Do you think you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
28:52Er, I am.
28:53Although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
28:56I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
28:58Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
29:00LAUGHTER
29:03For some reason, I'm giving...
29:04I'm trying to give a smoldering look,
29:05and yet my child's going...
29:07LAUGHTER
29:08His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
29:10and yours would have been hosting, like,
29:12mortgage provider of pictures.
29:14LAUGHTER
29:14That would be...
29:17No, it's not that.
29:17It's dude's face.
29:18You both won't shut up about it.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:22That's an exciting fact.
29:23Like...
29:24Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
29:26It's not...
29:27It's very close.
29:28It's not a moon, no.
29:29A constellation.
29:30Not a...
29:30Constellation would be amazing if they're a constellation.
29:33Fine, then, a fucking alien.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:36Er, we both have an asteroid named after us.
29:39Oh.
29:40So we could all get flattened by the Darao Bridge.
29:42Oh, yeah.
29:42If it gets bumped out of its path,
29:44it will destroy all life on Earth.
29:46And for about...
29:46You're not proud of that, are you?
29:47For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:53What do they name after you?
29:54Are you a similar size?
29:55No!
29:57Asteroids aren't all laughing.
29:59They're bigger than me.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:02If it wasn't bigger than you,
30:03and we were worried about it destroying the Earth.
30:06LAUGHTER
30:06So offensive.
30:07If I was fired from space,
30:09I would not destroy the Earth.
30:10I would burn up in the atmosphere.
30:12This would be...
30:13That is true.
30:14Because you're Irish.
30:15Because I'm Irish.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:17Very close.
30:19LAUGHTER
30:21Yeah, well...
30:22It would be the Guinness, wouldn't it?
30:24LAUGHTER
30:24Yeah.
30:25It's a white head.
30:26Yeah.
30:28Why, by the way, independent of this,
30:30why has James Bond been in the news recently?
30:32I think he's facing war crime charges.
30:35LAUGHTER
30:36There's speculation over who the news is.
30:38As there always is, but Callum Turner is the name of the actor.
30:40This is a picture of Callum Turner.
30:42He looks like a Rorschach test.
30:44LAUGHTER
30:45No, no, no, it's the guy in front, not the shape behind.
30:49LAUGHTER
30:50I was thinking it was weird that my aunt's breasts were behind him.
30:54LAUGHTER
30:56You know, genuinely, because this annoys me,
30:58because Callum Turner is already engaged to Dua Lipa.
31:01Yeah.
31:02And now he's potentially going to be James Bond.
31:03It's like, how good do you want your life to fucking be, mate?
31:06LAUGHTER
31:06He's going to be ticking off everyone's dreams.
31:09And I genuinely, two years ago,
31:10auditioned for Johnny English Junior.
31:14LAUGHTER
31:16The best thing about that is you did it two years ago,
31:19so you are already in your 30s!
31:22LAUGHTER
31:23I was 33 years old, Angela.
31:25Probably Johnny English's son.
31:28Doesn't have a name of his own.
31:29Johnny English Junior.
31:30Shit!
31:31That's what I was hoping was going to, you know, mock the week ended.
31:34I was like, it's all right, I'm a film star now.
31:35Anyway, back here.
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38At the end of that round, I'm sheer pity.
31:42That's what we're ending on, is it?
31:44We're ending everything.
31:45This is my complete career.
31:46This is how the show ends.
31:47The camera pulls slowly off your face.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:51It goes out of the studio and into the rest of this lot,
31:54Elstree lot or whatever, where it then turns
31:56and you can see the filming of Johnny English Junior.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:01It's just, I don't know, James Daycast, right?
32:03I don't know.
32:04No!
32:05Yeah, OK.
32:06At the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria!
32:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:12Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
32:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:24Now we play a game called...
32:26You think that's bad?
32:27In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
32:29this is a chance for our performers to compete to outdo each other
32:32with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
32:35Anyone care to start us off?
32:36I'll start.
32:37Oh, Angela.
32:37Do you know what I did this week?
32:38I accidentally sexted my father-in-law.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:42I was staying in a hotel, it had nice tiles in the bathroom
32:45and he likes that sort of thing, so I sent him a picture
32:47and I didn't realise my reflection was in the mirror.
32:50LAUGHTER
32:51I mean, that's bad, but did he respond to the thing?
32:55Not yet, still waiting, Brian.
32:58My mother-in-law sent me a weird message the other day.
33:01I sent her something innocent, like, what you're up to,
33:03she texts back saying she's got nothing on.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:06LAUGHTER
33:10You think that's bad?
33:11I asked a friend to guess my age and he said bronze.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:17You think that's bad?
33:18My wife recently said to me the worst words a husband can hear.
33:21You're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you got caught.
33:24Yeah.
33:25I wasn't cheating, I'd wipe the yoghurt lid on the cat.
33:28LAUGHTER
33:31I mean, that will get dealt with.
33:33I mean, the cat's going to deal with that situation
33:35and it's very much a self-cleaning thing.
33:37Dara was f***ing cat.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:42You think...
33:43No, we're processing this.
33:45You think that's bad?
33:46And this isn't as bad.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:50Nowhere near as bad.
33:52But you think that's bad?
33:53I recently found out the fire brigade no longer come out
33:55and rescue cats who have stuck up trees.
33:56Which is...
33:57I had to set the tree on fire.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:00You think that's bad?
34:01I was visiting my friend in my new fur coat and her husband
34:04wiped a yoghurt lid on me.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:08Do you think that's bad?
34:09My mobile phone is so rubbish, a guy in a scooter came past
34:13and gave it to me.
34:15LAUGHTER
34:16Do you think that's bad?
34:17The doctor found a bit of Lego in my bum.
34:19I said, is that the weirdest thing you've ever found?
34:22He said, it's not the weirdest, but it's definitely up there.
34:25LAUGHTER
34:27Do you think that's bad?
34:28A doctor once found a £2 coin up my arse
34:31and then we had an argument about who got to keep it?
34:34LAUGHTER
34:35Why should he get to keep it?
34:36It's not his.
34:37Exactly.
34:37Was that your bottom dollar?
34:40LAUGHTER
34:41He's always rich!
34:42He's always rich!
34:43APPLAUSE
34:46For the rest of the show, the aim is to find one
34:48you don't have a joke about.
34:50LAUGHTER
34:50Do you think that's bad?
34:52I spent four hours the other day looking for my Kinder Egg toy.
34:55Turns out I'd been eating a Baby Belt.
34:57LAUGHTER
34:59You think that's bad?
35:00My girlfriend got so annoyed at me using my phone,
35:02she threw it across the room.
35:04Luckily, I put it on airplane mode.
35:07Do you think that's bad?
35:09I'm so anxious that I tried to watch pornography,
35:11but they were doing it in the back of a taxi
35:13and I kept thinking, the meter's still running!
35:16Do you think that's bad?
35:18This guy asked me the other day if I was British
35:20and he said, yeah, I am, and he said,
35:22oh, cos your face isn't British.
35:25LAUGHTER
35:26I would have loved to tell him to fuck off,
35:28but he still had my passport.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:33Do you think that's bad?
35:34My friend suffered from anxiety
35:36and I told him, if you ever start to panic,
35:39take a deep breath.
35:41He drowned.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:44Do you think that's bad?
35:45I saw a bit of packaging earlier that said,
35:47danger of suffocation, keep away from babies.
35:49But I'm not worried, because I don't think a baby could suffocate me.
35:54LAUGHTER
35:55Their hands are too small.
35:58The baby would take you down in seconds after...
36:00LAUGHTER
36:02At the end of that round!
36:05Can I just point out,
36:06you don't have anything about baby suffocation by the sounds of it.
36:09Hang on, hang on, hang on.
36:10Hang on, hang on.
36:11Hang on, hang on.
36:11Hang on, hang on.
36:12Hang on, hang on, hang on.
36:13Actually, I don't know what you're breath.
36:15LAUGHTER
36:17APPLAUSE
36:18APPLAUSE
36:18That was good.
36:20That was good.
36:21That was good.
36:21The boys are going to mark, release and rehab!
36:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:27Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
36:30So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
36:32I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our
36:34panellists can come up with.
36:36OK, here we go.
36:37The first subject is...
36:38Things you wouldn't hear on a travel show.
36:41So, what can I say about North Korea?
36:44Well, if I want my passport back, absolutely nothing.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:49Of course, this area used to be known for quicksand,
36:52but things have changed...
36:54LAUGHTER
36:54LAUGHTER
36:59On this week's episode of Great Railway Journeys,
37:03we'll be making the eight-hour trip from Manchester
37:06to half a mile outside Manchester.
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11Mum bye.
37:13I'm here in Switzerland, saying bye to Mum.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:18LAUGHTER
37:30Today we pay our respects to one of Scotland's greatest female pop stars
37:34by visiting one of her favourite destinations.
37:37We are going to Honolulu.
37:40LAUGHTER
37:43Here in the Dead Sea, it is impossible for anything to sink,
37:47so I'm really regretting that crafty shit I just had.
37:52LAUGHTER
37:54Hi, I'm Michael fucking Palin, and this week I'm in fucking Ipswich.
37:59LAUGHTER
38:01Well, you can tell there's a lion nearby from these warm droppings I've just done in my pants.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:08On a beach this unspoilt, you know you can go for miles without seeing a single living...
38:14Hi, Romesh.
38:16LAUGHTER
38:19We've been at the resort for a couple of days now, and my wife just informed me that one of
38:23the members of Star keeps checking her out,
38:25which is weird, cos he knows we're staying all week.
38:28LAUGHTER
38:29LAUGHTER
38:29It's time for the British travel show generator. Let's spin the wheel.
38:34Now we've got do-ga-do-ga-do-ga Ed Balls travelling through do-ga-do-ga-do-ga South
38:38Sudan
38:38on a do-ga-do-ga-do tandem bicycle in Germany.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:45They're calling it a staycation, but it's actually six months for armed robbery.
38:50LAUGHTER
38:51And the plane descends into Madrid Airport, or as Ryanair call it, Berlin West.
38:59LAUGHTER
39:01This footage of Britain's coastline really is one of the BBC's best-kept secrets.
39:06Not the best, of course.
39:09LAUGHTER
39:13They say to really enjoy a place, you've got to go off the beaten track.
39:17Great, now I'm lost!
39:18LAUGHTER
39:21Travel, romance, luxury.
39:24It's not for you.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29I'm here in Kazakhstan to dispel the harmful stereotypes perpetuated about Kazakhstan
39:34in Western media.
39:35And with me is my wife!
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40APPLAUSE
39:41The next topic is...
39:43Unlikely things to hear at the Winter Olympics.
39:46Fucking cold, innit?
39:49LAUGHTER
39:50It's actually slippier than it looks.
39:53LAUGHTER
39:56And now it's time for the cross-country skiing.
39:59Iran, Russia, Syria, all very cross-countries indeed.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:04Ice Cube was going to perform at the opening ceremony, but due to global warming, here's wet, wet, wet.
40:11LAUGHTER
40:13Oh, that's very clever from the Russian bobsleigh team.
40:16Saving space by putting the smallest athlete inside the second-smallest athlete, inside the third-smallest athlete.
40:21APPLAUSE
40:24And here at the bobsleigh, the Jamaican team is doing terribly.
40:27Everyone's crying. This isn't charming at all.
40:30LAUGHTER
40:32And his dreams of Olympic gold come to an end with winning Olympic gold.
40:37That was a weird way to phrase that.
40:39LAUGHTER
40:41I'm high.
40:43LAUGHTER
40:45And that's all from the biathlon.
40:47Next up, we have the gayathlon, the straightathlon and the anything-after-a-couple-of-pintsathlon.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:55Now, I'm not saying the British curling team is middle-class, but they do have a Filipino woman doing the
40:59sweeping.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:05And they've dropped their sticks and now they're fighting and the blind bobsleigh has descended into anarchy.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:13Oh, look at that! Two, three, four full flips in the air!
41:16I don't think you'll be allowed to drive the air ambulance again.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:21This is the most nervous I've seen skaters since Dancing on Ice was hosted by Philip Schofield.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:31Welcome to Milan, home to Prada, Miu Miu, Versace and other shit names for British children.
41:38LAUGHTER
41:41After a shaky start for the Italian, just a few days later, he's back.
41:45And, you know, that's a little bit like Jesus, isn't it?
41:48LAUGHTER
41:52Oh, I should have bought a coat.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:58As they come pelting down the slope, I'm reminded that Winter Olympians have 14 words for snow.
42:03But only one word for...
42:05Aaaaah!
42:06LAUGHTER
42:08And if anyone is at home watching The Curling and thinking it might be fun to take part yourself, please
42:12keep in mind, every single person here is a virgin.
42:16LAUGHTER
42:18Where do I get my poles from?
42:20Dartmouth Solutions Limited.
42:22LAUGHTER
42:28And, of course, beneath the slopes, the ice warriors wait, biding their time, dreaming their deathless dreams in chambers vast
42:37beyond a match...
42:38Is that Claire Balding?
42:40LAUGHTER
42:43Should we just wait till it's sunny? This is fucking shit.
42:46LAUGHTER
42:48Apologies to all viewers, apparently that thing in the ice hockey is called a puck.
42:54LAUGHTER
42:56This is lovely to see, the first ever drag queen to win gold in the bobsleigh!
43:01LAUGHTER
43:02At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Sean and Alistair!
43:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:08That's the end of the show.
43:09This week's winners are Rialina, Reece James and Mark Sillands.
43:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:14Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Sean McLaughlin and Alistair Beckett-King.
43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:20Thank you for watching. I'm Jara Breen. Good night.
43:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:26Don't believe in everything, Homrs Of The World A Food!思考ates
43:28clothes around the world... Don't believe
43:32in everything, you see, I have heard read on the fight, read on the fight! Hoos of
43:43the world, hoos of the world! APPLAUSE À Heartman
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