- 19 hours ago
Loving yourself as you are peak performance with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Patrice Washington, and Briana St. Holder.
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00:00let's move on this next panel we're talking about peak performance 101 loving loving yourself as you
00:13are and this panel is sponsored by smart water all right so let's talk about loving ourselves
00:22how many know that in order to perform at your highest level you have got to you have got to
00:29love yourself authentically first did you know that that's crucial right in this next conversation
00:37they'll be talking about all about loving yourself for who you are specifically they'll be sharing
00:43insight on how to get to that place where you perform at your highest level as the best version
00:50of yourself every day in your career but not just that your home life and not just that either your
00:57relationships your friendships your friendships your relationships with your lover right all of
01:04that and again it is partnered with smart water so make sure you're going to that hydration station
01:11and hydrating yourself as we continue our day all right so here we go first coming to the stage
01:17yes next up we have transformational speaker and founder of redefining wealth patrice washington
01:32she another real girlfriend in real life amen come on to the stage patrice last but not least
01:38licensed therapist and founder of the therapy for black girls dr joy harton bradford absolutely
01:47hey y'all so beautiful to see you all thanks for coming to chat with us today are we ready to get
02:04started yes all right so i want to start with a very fun question so i want you to give me one word
02:13that you would use to describe the best part of yourself and let us know why you chose that word
02:18so i will go first okay thank you i will go first so i think the word that i would choose would be warm
02:24um because i think i attempt to create a warm environment for people around me i also feel like
02:31my intuition is the strongest part of myself and i think that that is often very warm so i think that's
02:36what i would choose oh that was good okay um i think i would say safe like i feel at this stage
02:48of my life i'm the most safe for myself because i respect myself in a different way and that allows
02:54me to create safety for others through my platforms but just in real life people feel very comfortable
02:58sharing with me so i would say safe i love that what about you brie i think the word that i would choose
03:05is excited i'm always very excited and i'm always trying to have a good time like my motto is that
03:12i want to be having fun at all times and i think that people feel good around me because i'm always
03:18so excited and i'm seeing the gratitude and everything so yeah that's that's the word that i would choose
03:23for myself all right so we are in in tune for a safe and exciting conversation i love that so brie i want
03:31to stay with you for a little while so what do you feel like are some hard truths but also some
03:36beautiful things that you have learned in your self-love journey i think the beautiful thing and
03:42the hard truth is the same answer and i think the hard truth is that self-love and self-acceptance is a
03:49journey and there's no end destination it's just a lifelong process and i think when i first started this
03:56journey to self-love and self-acceptance i thought there was a point that you got to and then once
04:01you got over that hump you were good but that's not really how it works it's a lifelong journey which
04:07is a beautiful thing but it's also a hard thing because it's not a point that you can get to
04:11and then you're good on the other side it's a lifelong journey of accepting that you're good
04:16what do you think helped you learn that lesson that there wasn't like a set destination
04:21getting diagnosed with adhd at 30 and having to relearn myself that's when it got real i think
04:28that um i thought i i thought i kind of knew who i was and i accepted maybe that there was things that
04:34weren't so great about me which is fine um but getting diagnosed with adhd at 30 kind of taught me
04:41that a lot of things that i didn't love and accept about myself there was actually a reason for that
04:46and i'm i'm about to be 31 so this is something that's very recent um and so i think i think that
04:53going through that journey of accepting that um where i thought maybe i was already accepting myself
05:00and loving myself um taught me that it really is a journey and not just a final destination
05:04thank you for sharing that i think that's important to think about like at different phases of our lives
05:10we learn new things about ourselves that cause us to see the world differently right and see ourselves
05:15differently absolutely it's always going to be something else and that's okay it's life right
05:19right that's that's the thing it keeps going right okay so for you patrice so loving yourself
05:25is as a big part of getting into your headspace where you perform at your best whenever possible
05:31what are some things that help you get into the headspace to really love yourself
05:34i would say one thing that has really gotten me in the headspace to love myself
05:40is to learn to stop romanticizing reality because you know it's really easy to be distracted
05:48by all that life like presents us with right but when we stop romanticizing reality and just deal
05:56with things head on and accept things for what they are not what we would like them to be
06:00but really sit with i'm i'm not happy with this or this isn't a good space for me doesn't matter if
06:08it was a blessing in one season when we romanticize reality something that was a blessing in one season
06:13can kill us in the next so for me this journey has been about just looking at things for what they are
06:20and stop trying to like you know you know people were like i don't like my job i hate it but they serve
06:26warm cookies on fridays like girl like okay you're trying to make that better and i was i'm recently
06:32divorced so i came to a point when i turned 40 years old when i said like what will my life look like
06:39if i just told the truth not what i would like it to be but if i told the truth about every area of my
06:46life and with that came a lot of uh radical honesty and a lot of shifts yeah okay so i i want to stay
06:55here i saw your did you have something to add there wow just say amen so i want to stay there
07:03because this whole idea around like radical honesty i think can be really difficult for other people
07:09in our lives especially when we have not been so radically honest in the past so what was that
07:14transition like for you becoming more honest with yourself but also with other people in your life
07:19um it wasn't easy but i knew it was necessary right and i do think the first step is to tell
07:26yourself the truth and the reason that many of us avoid telling ourselves the truth is because once
07:31we do we have to make a decision like we have to take action so when we get honest the next thing is
07:37going to be that something's going to have to change if it's not what we actually desire
07:41um so once i got comfortable with telling myself the truth it was really a matter of going to people
07:47i have this script in one of my books redefine wealth for yourself there's a script that i wrote
07:52and it's like hey so and so um i apologize for leading you to believe that i was okay with x y or z
07:59like because you can't be mad if i apologize to you right so i apologize for leading you to believe
08:05that this action was okay for x amount of time but based on who i am today that no longer works for me
08:11thank you so much for understanding okay so how well did that go over it went really well with
08:18most people but i realized the people who had the most challenges with that were people who
08:23benefited from me not having boundaries for so long the people who benefited from me not being
08:30clear about who i really am they were the ones who had the biggest problems people who genuinely
08:35have my best interest at heart as well understood not that it was easy but we were able to find a
08:42way to work through things or to release one another but people who were like no you're supposed to be
08:47my doormat for the rest of your life they were the ones who had a problem of course that's how it always
08:52works so you have said the magic word boundaries um so i know dr abrams just did a presentation on
08:58boundaries but i think boundaries are one of the greatest demonstrations
09:02of self-love that we can actually have so brie can you talk a little bit about what kinds of
09:08boundaries you've set to really you know protect your peace and protect your energy
09:13absolutely i think that boundaries are something okay so i just got in therapy like i'm on my eighth
09:19session and um it was a journey y'all so i appreciate the applause but um we in our maybe two sessions
09:31ago she asked me what boundaries look like when i was dealing with a family situation
09:37and i realized that i didn't know what they looked like um but i think that instead of me placing
09:44boundaries on other people i started placing them on myself so only allowing myself to think about
09:50things for a certain amount of time or talk about things for a certain amount of time because
09:54i'm not really at the place right now where i can place boundaries on other people because i'm
09:58trying to figure out what they even look like for me and accepting that that's okay right now
10:02but i'm in a place where i'm like what do my boundaries look like it doesn't have to be this
10:08hard thing but i just want to make it more about me and less about other people um and i think that
10:17starting there will kind of help me have grace as i set boundaries other people because boundaries
10:23are hard like i think about okay this is a very small boundary right but i have a problem going
10:29to bed at night like i never want the day to end so because i want to have fun all day right and so
10:35it'll be times where i'm just up till two o'clock in the morning watches love and blind watching love
10:40is blind but i have to set that boundary with myself where it's like girl you need to go to bed by
10:4611 30 because you have to get up at seven what are you doing up and i think we think about
10:51boundaries as these hard things with other people but if i can't even set the boundary with
10:55myself that i'm not going to go to bed late and watch love is blind how can i expect everyone else
11:00to be able to accept it it's a hard thing and that's okay i want to have grace with myself
11:05can i add so i think boundaries have been demonized for so long so we automatically kind of look at
11:13boundaries as oh i'm shutting people out i'm making it this bad this bad kind of thing and i've learned
11:20that my boundaries look more like governing decisions so it's not really that it's a
11:25boundary to keep people out it's a governing decision that i have that you know you do not
11:30speak to me this way when you speak to me a certain way i excuse myself right it's like very simple like
11:36i have a governing decision because i'm a mom i don't want to work after 6 p.m or something so
11:42someone will be like oh well we have this great thing and we'll pay this much and all but my governing
11:48decision is already set right like what matters to me is already set not that i can't be flexible
11:54because if i want to be flexible i will be but it doesn't make me think and look at everyone as an
12:00individual thing these this is just how patrice governs her life so if you're going to be a part
12:06of her life this is kind of what it is at this point it's something about turning 40 boy we get
12:12a lot of stuff changes a lot of stuff changes but yeah so more governing decisions yeah and
12:18you know you brought up a really good point around boundaries being really hard right and so there's
12:23the step of setting the boundaries but then the next step is enforcing enforcing our boundaries which
12:28is is also difficult i think it was what you're saying about having boundaries is work that's
12:33something that i'm trying to practice right now um and i think that living in america and just living
12:39in a capitalist system where our bodies are supposed to be machines and it's really hard to have that
12:46boundary because you think you have to work you have to do this thing resting almost feels like a
12:50privilege so i think that another way to um have boundaries with myself is just allowing myself to
12:58rest oh yes rest is a real boundary you're like i'm shutting everything off and i'm just allowing
13:04myself to relax but all of this is a process for me i'm i'm learning how to do all these things
13:09because i'm on my eighth session of therapy so um i'm excited to see what it looks like in a year
13:14almost 20 years in and 10 years older than you you'll be fine you'll come on over come on over
13:21i love that so let's stay with therapy for a little while because y'all know that's my thing
13:26um so if we think about like peak performance you both have talked very publicly about therapy and like
13:31how it's helped you in what ways has therapy really helped you to reach your peak performance
13:36or what that looks like currently
13:37for me um i think that it has taught me that my performance and not just in therapy just in life
13:47in general that my performance my best performance every day is going to look different sometimes my
13:53best performance is just the fact that i got out of bed and brushing my teeth sometimes my best
13:58performance is that i cranked out eight hours of work sometimes my best performance is that i did
14:04six out of the seven sets in the workout and i think that just meeting myself every day instead of
14:09trying to have this this is who brianna is well brianna is different every day sometimes i didn't get
14:15that much sleep so the next day it's going to be different and i think that wait what was the
14:19question how has therapy really helped you to get your performance i think that my therapist
14:25talking about being present in the moment and taking it day by day has helped me just analyze
14:31what my peak performance is each day sometimes my peak performance is that i clean up the entire
14:37house other times i just make my bed and sometimes i don't make my bed at all and that's okay i don't
14:42have to demonize myself for that we just start again the next day right uh one thing that i think
14:48i've learned through therapy is that you don't have to live up to your potential so everything that's
14:58permissible is not always beneficial and i think sometimes we run ourselves in the ground with this
15:04idea that because i can i should just because you can doesn't necessarily mean you should because your
15:11body is just not always ready for that you're not in the great space for that like you have to assess
15:17what else is going on in your life at different times and so this idea that we should always be
15:22running running running running running ourselves into the ground look i don't care what the vision
15:26is we all get one vessel to execute it and we have a duty and a responsibility to protect the vessel
15:32the only vessel we're going to get and so just because i can and like oh i get it all the time you
15:38should do this you should do that why don't you do it why don't you do it then right because people
15:42will just continue to add and add and add and add and add and all the while we're just putting
15:48ourselves further and further and further down the list and then we don't get to rest and i have found
15:52also that rest is productivity my best ideas come when i'm at rest yes absolutely yeah so you both have
16:00talked about the importance of rest i wonder what are some other things that you do on a daily basis to
16:05really help you to reach that peak performance the first thing that i i'm doing the six-week program
16:13so i work out five days a week now um but working out is really important for me i always notice when
16:20i'm the difference in my body when i don't work out but sometimes i'm not in a phase where i'm working
16:25out so i think that also listening to music listening to music and just dancing around my house puts me in the
16:31best mood it's really simple but it's something that i feel like i have to do for myself and so i
16:37think that that's a way that i can get into my body and perform at the level that i need to that day
16:46so i start every day with meditation and journaling um it doesn't matter how long sometimes i have five
16:53minutes sometimes i have an hour but meditation and journaling has been a game changer for me just that
16:59moment of stillness and just like getting centered thinking through the day i'm not one of those
17:04people who can wake up and just like start doing all the things i don't know about y'all but i wake up
17:08like huh i just look around like and i have a prayer room um and spending time in that prayer room has
17:17been really good for me and it's a it's a consistent habit i've had for like the last six to seven years
17:23game changer i love that so one of the things i think we can also do to really show ourselves
17:29love is to be kind to ourselves in our mistakes has that been a struggle for either of you and if
17:35it has how have you learned to do more and be kinder to yourself in terms of forgiving yourself
17:43um it's definitely been a it's been a struggle for me to be kind to myself for the mistakes that i've
17:49made but getting the adhd diagnosis has changed the way that i think about things so i was kind of
17:56told that i didn't finish things a lot as a child and i demonized myself for that because i'm like
18:02i'm not doing this thing but it's actually a good thing because i have a million good ideas but the
18:08way that i channel that is just different now it's not a bad thing that i don't finish things maybe
18:13the idea wasn't for me to finish maybe the idea was for me to tell someone else and they were
18:17supposed to do it that's okay um but i also try to look at the positive things that i do so
18:23um i don't know if y'all know this but i my whole platform was built around house plants
18:30and i was actually telling my girlfriend the other day i haven't killed a plant in like a year and a
18:34half and that's a beautiful thing like i have a lot of plants y'all and i was just thinking about how
18:40that's like a really simple thing but i've just been so dedicated to caring for them and just that's a
18:46good thing and i can be kind to myself for that everything doesn't have to be about how i didn't do
18:51something productive or why i didn't do something i don't know meet a deadline like i'm also dope
18:57because i kept plants alive i'm also dope because i have a great sense of style i'm also dope because
19:03i'm a great friend to my friends you know and i think that just instead of always looking at like
19:10the things that you fall short on like that's who you are you're also the things that you excel at
19:15it's not always about measuring yourself by the things that you aren't great at and i think that's
19:21how i've been trying to be kind of myself so i would say for me um i had an experience
19:29probably about a year and a half ago i was separating and i was talking to my life coach
19:34and i said what can i do to forgive my younger self the younger version of me who stayed in something
19:40that i knew wasn't quite for me for 19 years right and she said excuse me and i said what can i do
19:49to forgive myself she said how dare you how dare you try to weaponize today's version today version
19:56of you the wisdom you have today against younger versions of yourself and like when she hit me with
20:03that i said i start to think back i need to thank the 22 year old version of me that started to go to
20:08therapy not be mad at her i need to thank the 30 year old version of me that said you really need
20:14to like get in your word i need to thank the 33 year old version of me who said oh let's start a
20:19prayer closet i need to thank all these versions of me who started to do all of this work because
20:25that's the only reason that i am who i am today and it's the only reason that i carry the wisdom that
20:30i have today so how dare i say how do i forgive her no i need to thank her and when i start going back
20:36and thanking the younger versions of myself just like energetically like game changer it was a game
20:44changer so when we talk about forgiving ourselves i've kind of come to grips with um everything that
20:50i've experienced didn't happen you know to me it happened for me and i'm grateful for those
20:56experiences now and i don't need to forgive a younger version of myself if it wasn't for her i
21:00wouldn't be here today that's a note y'all need to write that down that's a good one write that down
21:05that's great thank you for that patrice so what helps you to keep sharp mentally and keep your
21:10performance levels high on those days when you don't maybe feel so confident
21:17if can you repeat the question one more time yeah what helps keep you sharp mentally and keep
21:23your performance levels high on those days when confidence isn't so high i lean on my community
21:31if i have to call my parents if i have to call i have to talk to my girlfriend my friends they really
21:36get me together because sometimes i'm not going to advocate for myself the way i need to so they're
21:41like brie you can do this like look at who you are you can do this because i feel like so much healing
21:47and your confidence and your performance is not always on you it's hard to be you sometimes so
21:55it's okay to lean on the people around you like most of the time they can't wait to tell me how
21:59amazing i am and it's okay to lean on them um and sometimes i just accept that it's not a performance day
22:08because i noticed that when i try to force performance i'm mad at myself because i'm really
22:14still not going to perform then i'm mad at myself the next day and then i'm mad at myself the next day
22:19about how i was mad at myself and it's just like because it creates this whole tornado and whirlwind
22:24so it's like today's just not the day and i'm just going to accept that because there's tomorrow
22:29and no one is going to come and punish me because today wasn't the day there's not going to be there's
22:35no some there's no someone no person looking over my shoulder like today you didn't perform your
22:40best that's not happening and i don't need to be that person to myself so sometimes it's just
22:45accepting that today is not your day it doesn't always you don't have to be on you don't have to
22:49be on every day you don't have to be on every week sometimes it might be months and that's okay
22:55and i think that just accepting that that fact has really helped me appreciate the fact that when i
23:03am in my performance modes yeah so i do two things um the first thing i do is assess whether i need a
23:12nap because you know sometimes you're just tired you just need to take a nap 30 minutes can change
23:18your life right and you have to accept like is something really wrong with me or am i just tired
23:23so typically i'll take a nap for like 30 minutes or an hour if that does the trick wonderful if it
23:29doesn't i like to go back and read my journal so i shared that i journal every day pretty much i've
23:34been doing that since i was 23 years old and sometimes and i have like literally dozens and
23:39dozens of journals at this point and what i like to do is like find a journal and just open it up to a
23:45page and see what was like bothering me you know some random day five years ago and every time i can go
23:52back it allows me to reflect on you had a moment like this before or you've been in a space before and you
23:58always come out or that you know you look back and you're like the thing i was complaining about
24:03or that i was unsure about somehow came together for my good in some way and so if that's the case
24:09i have to use that evidence to remind me because you know we have a spiritual amnesia right so we
24:17forget stuff that we was praying about already then like happened so i just use that as like evidence
24:22that look it's a day this is not your life this is a day allow yourself to have a day you'll be
24:27fine so patrice you and i have had some cool conversations beyond this panel um and i think
24:34you are just doing such a phenomenal job instilling self-love into your child can you talk about some
24:40of the things that you practice with her that you're really hoping will kind of cultivate that
24:44self-love for her oh my gosh um first of all i always tell her if i had your confidence and level of
24:52self-love at 15 years old you might not be here i might not i might not have met your daddy okay um
25:00at a personal moment uh so what do we do first of all just being again radically honest with her i
25:07mean since she was little here's a big one i've always allowed her to feel her feelings one of the
25:12things that i you know didn't really appreciate about my upbringing was that we weren't allowed to feel
25:19feelings so you know something happened and you made a face they like fix your face well man i'm
25:24mad i'm sad like why can't i feel my feelings right so when my daughter was little and still to this day
25:30i've always taught her it is okay to feel your feelings you don't have to suppress your feelings
25:35you don't have to dismiss your feelings and even if you're upset with me you're entitled to that
25:39it is okay if i make you upset right and if you can come back and articulate to me what i did i don't
25:45have a problem apologizing to you either and she is so self-assured and such a like advocate for
25:51herself i don't even have to go to the school if i get an email she's texting me mom i've already
25:56scheduled an appointment i am going to talk to so and so um but she's so sure of who she is and she
26:04takes up space she's not a kid that's going to like hang out on the wall or not really say anything
26:10if something does not feel good for her she's going to articulate to her friends and i walk by
26:16her room and i hear her saying stuff like oh girl he's inconsistent you should block him i'm like that's
26:22my baby that's my girl right but i think just being in um just allowing her to feel her feelings and
26:30being honest with her and you know allowing her also to see what this journey has been like for me
26:37without demonizing you know her father but also being very real about what my experience was as
26:43well because it gives her room to be real when she finds herself in different circumstances that
26:48she you know continues to grow and mature thank you i appreciate that so brie you are someone who's
26:54very creative you have lots of creative platforms and a lot of times what happens with people who offer
26:59creative work is that it sometimes invites criticism so can you talk a little bit about how you kind
27:05of protect yourself from criticism i listen to larry june a lot and um he often talks about how a
27:15lot of times when people are criticizing you they're not really putting anything out there to criticize
27:21and i just always try to consider the source that's number one and number two sometimes people
27:27criticisms are valid and that's okay i threw an event called free plants atl it was a whole bunch of
27:32people there and i gave away like 750 plants for free and people had a lot to say about how i
27:40managed the event that was my first ever event i've ever done in my life and it was a huge success
27:45but i didn't think it was going to be a huge success so i didn't prepare for a lot of things
27:49but i just people had the right to their criticisms and i just had to leave it at that like
27:55and i took it in for the next event that i did um but i also want to go back to something that you said
28:01when you were talking about sometimes you need a nap because it reminded me sometimes when i talk to
28:05my dad i'll tell him i'm having a day and he'll always say where's your water where's my water
28:12he's like what is your water intake today and i sometimes like i do this with my friend saray
28:18when we're like tripping about something i'll say do hydrated people act like this
28:23and it really allows me to take a beat it's just like actually if all of my muscles in my brain was
28:32functioning because i had water i probably would not be acting like this this is good
28:37and yeah that is your response to the last question about taking a nap reminded me of that and
28:42everyone just ask yourself am i hydrated right now yes this is good because you're like a house plant
28:47right you're not gonna be functioning so what words of advice this question is for both of you
28:56what words of advice would you leave with everyone here today specifically those who might be struggling
29:01with their self-love there you go i would say to get in the practice
29:09of prioritizing peace over appearances if you really love yourself you will not continue to keep
29:18yourself in spaces that don't promote your peace that are chaotic that are full of confusion that
29:24don't honor respect um celebrate you and so when you get that radical honesty and you stop romanticizing
29:33reality you get to look at every part of your life and say bump the appearances
29:39does this bring me peace and is there purpose for this and if you can't say
29:43peace or purpose or present then maybe you should remove yourself
29:52that and ask for help i think that me going to therapy just and having another person there
30:03um has really helped me honor myself and it makes me feel very confident that i made that decision of
30:11asking a therapist for help and i can't believe i'm grateful that i'm in there but sometimes i'm like
30:18i can't believe it took me so long to do it but you don't have to do everything alone sometimes you're
30:23gonna need help with your self-love and accepting yourself and there are licensed
30:28professionals that are there to do that to help you through that journey and i think that we're
30:34always in this space especially as black women that we feel like we have to be superheroes and it's like
30:39sometimes you just need to lean on other people everything is not going to be done in solace
30:45everything is not about you need to love yourself first well that's not always realistic
30:51sometimes i need people to help me to teach practices on how i can do that but i have to lean
30:56on another person or other people to get there so ask for help yeah love that thank y'all so much
31:05so this has been incredibly fun i wish we had more time to chat but we do have to wrap up a huge
31:10thank you to smart water alkaline for allowing us to have this conversation but before we go i do want
31:15people to know where they can find you online so what is your website or any social media handles you want
31:20to share uh my my instagram is ear garden ear garden g-a-r-d-n it's no e in the garden
31:27and that's where you can find me on instagram and uh on instagram i'm seek wisdom p-c-w seek wisdom
31:35and you can find out all things about patrice washington at patricewashington.com
31:40perfect and i am hello dr joy.com at hello dr joy across all social media platforms thank
31:46y'all so much for joining thank you dr joy thank you guys
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