- 2 hours ago
Love McPherson opens up about what's holding us back from finding the love that we want at Wellness House 2023.
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00:00Oh my gosh, I saw you all, I got some of y'all, y'all was doing struggle movements, like the
00:10facial expressions, that would have been me, I'm sorry.
00:13So it is me again, I'm here, you guys are going to see me all day.
00:18Again, my name is Dr. Stacey J. Johnson, and I'm so excited to be with Essence.
00:23I was actually at the first Essence Wellness House hosting in 2019, and look at what we
00:32have created, we bad y'all, Essence is bad, all right, so exactly right, can I get a hand
00:40clap for Essence please, are you all enjoying yourself at Essence Wellness House, yes, make
00:47sure you're hashtagging Essence Wellness House, all right, all right you all, now we're going
00:52to move on back into our panels, everybody still with me, you guys going to come up to
00:58the panel, okay, everybody's like, I need some of that smart water, Stacey, that y'all talked
01:03about, so everybody's at the hydration station, I get it, but I can tell you this is a panel
01:10you do not want to miss, all right, I'm telling you, y'all, this next sister, first of all,
01:18I'm hosting this panel, all right, so you guys get to see me interview this amazing, oh my
01:25gosh, we about to talk love, relationships, ain't no telling what love McPherson is about
01:30to put on y'all, I am serious, this woman is amazing, all right, I'm about to bring out
01:35a woman who can tell you a thing or two about relationships, two, three, four, five, and together
01:41we're going to have our own conversation, so you got Dr. Stacey J and Love McPherson, we
01:48about to get into your business, and if we trigger you, don't be stressed, just know that
01:53it's all love, all right, all right, joining me to break it all the way down, please welcome
01:59relationship expert Love McPherson, help me welcome her to the stage, absolutely.
02:07Hi, sis, hi, such a pleasure, sit down, yes, a lot of people are still getting their water,
02:24you know, Deshaun Johnson had him up here doing legs, got him all worked up, huh?
02:29Yeah, he did, he was shocking, I looked over, I was like, woo, look at that man right there,
02:34okay, anyway, you all, so, wow, love, first of all, thank you so much, I've followed you
02:41for a long time, you are an amazing powerhouse, yeah, thank you, absolutely, I appreciate that,
02:47absolutely, I followed your journey, I love your energy, I love your positivity, I just
02:52love everything about Love McPherson, oh, that's a blessing, so I really want to just jump right
02:57into it, let's go, okay, let's get into it, you see a lot of clients, right, what would be
03:03the percentage of those clients, and this is key, you all, and I'm being very specific,
03:09because I teach about this, healthy romantic relationships, and it got nothing to do with
03:15how cute he is, and all that, healthy romantic relationships, what is that percentage?
03:20So, what, one of the things that I have to say is that I work with both singles and married
03:25clients, and so, and health, healthy is a subjective word, so, I am disease-free, I'm not on any
03:33medication, but I promise you, I wouldn't have been able to keep up with all of that, that
03:38last session, okay, so healthy is one thing, so there's different levels of health, for married
03:44couples, I would say that probably 20% come in on life support, and about only 10% come
03:54in just for maintenance, but a lot of them just come in with a lot of symptoms, the rest
03:59of them come with a lot of symptoms of toxicity, and brokenness, and things that need to be
04:05repaired, as far as singles are concerned, what you find is that, you know, you have the
04:10singles who are in a relationship and want to kind of fix their mate to see if they should
04:15go forward, that makes up about 20%, you have singles who are engaged, and that makes up
04:22about 30%, and then the others are singles who are not in a relationship, and that's probably
04:28the majority, probably 50 to 60%, and they probably need the most help as far as healing the internal
04:37issues of brokenness that have broke them in past relationships.
04:43Why do you think we wait to be, and I don't use the word fix, but to get the help that we
04:51need to then attract, keep, and cultivate, attract, and keep healthy romantic relationships?
04:58Why do you think we wait and say, I'm going to wait until something bad happens, and then
05:04we all go get help.
05:05You know, we do that in our physical health as well.
05:08Yes.
05:09We kind of use the emergency room in order to, for our health strategies, but that shouldn't
05:15be.
05:16We wait because what happens is sometimes we're afraid of what people are going to diagnose
05:21us as.
05:22Ooh.
05:23The second one is because we don't want to do whatever they prescribe us to do to be healed.
05:28Mmm.
05:29Say that last.
05:30Say the second one again.
05:31We don't want to do or follow the prescription to be healed.
05:35But we want great relationships, right?
05:38You all, we want the great relationships.
05:41So then why is it, right, that we then don't want the help that we need to get to then have
05:48the great relationship?
05:49It's kind of like we're in our own way.
05:52We, we, a lot of times we are in our own way.
05:55But see, here's the thing.
05:56Mm-hmm.
05:57Nobody is saying, okay, if I say I have, you have a fibroid or something inside of your
06:03stomach or wherever it is, and I'm going to have to do surgery in order to correct this.
06:09But after it's finished, you'll be healed.
06:11You'll be just fine.
06:12You will not say, woo, I'm so excited about this surgery that I'm about to have.
06:18You will not say that.
06:20You will be excited about the healing, but you still may fear the surgery.
06:25In fact, you still may put it off because you realize I first have to go in and hurt more
06:32in order to heal.
06:34Mm-hmm.
06:35I will leave the hospital more injured than when I walked in because they're going to
06:40cut me open.
06:41But when I leave long term, that's when the effect will happen.
06:44We have to realize that in relationship, when we have to stop for counseling, when we have
06:48to stop for therapy, when we need to stop and work on ourselves.
06:51Yes, we're going to dig into some issues of your past.
06:54Yes.
06:55We're going to dig into some issues of your past relationships, your childhood, the way
06:59you talk to yourself, your self-esteem.
07:01That may feel like surgery.
07:03It may be painful, but the long term effects is you will receive the relationship skills
07:08Yes.
07:09that are required in order to maneuver and to recognize a healthy relationship and to give
07:16one back.
07:17Interesting.
07:18I have to say very good.
07:19Absolutely.
07:20I, my mother was married five times and my grandmother was married three times and my
07:26dad was married three times.
07:27And I think my dad tried to make one of my girlfriends when he came to the screening of
07:32my show on own last week, another wife.
07:35So my dad was, I was like, that's my friend dad.
07:37He was like, she grown though.
07:39I said, Oh Lord.
07:40Anyway, but I digress.
07:42I digress.
07:43But I say that to really piggyback off of what you just said.
07:45I didn't have any skills or tools to even understand how do you create, cultivate and keep a healthy
07:54romantic relationship, which then honestly gave me my, my gosh, this amusing, this, this amusing
08:03place I say to live because I knew I wanted it, but I knew I didn't have the tools.
08:10So, and the amusing part is I kept doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
08:15a different result, which is kind of what you were saying.
08:18There's no way to get to a healthy romantic relationship.
08:21If you are not getting the tools and the skills, if you aren't, what you're doing is you're
08:26just constantly doing double dutch with yourself.
08:30Right.
08:31That's so important.
08:32What you just said, because we really do learn our relationship skills from our parents,
08:36from people, how they have relationships with each other, the good ones and the bad,
08:40the good and the bad and how they have relationships with you.
08:43And so when we walk out of our homes with toxic skills, when we learn that to, in order to,
08:49when somebody disagrees with you, you either hit them or holler at them.
08:53If you walk out not understanding conflict, communication, how to respect, different things
08:59like that.
09:00When we walk out of those homes and we have never learned, because see, people will divorce
09:04you and say they love you all the way to the divorce court.
09:07Oh, I love them.
09:08I just can't relate.
09:10You understand?
09:11They will grow past you.
09:13Relationships is being able to relate.
09:15The whole society, our entire society is based on us being able to relate to each other,
09:22which is why we're so divided.
09:24If people show differences, a lot of times we pull back.
09:28Fear starts.
09:29That's what happens in relationships.
09:31When the person is agreeing with us and loving us in, in the dating stage in, in that, that
09:36time, we feel like, oh my goodness, I feel so validated.
09:39I feel so seen.
09:40I feel like I feel so hurt.
09:41But as soon as there is a separation of that and somebody disagrees or disapproves, then we
09:47feel vulnerable.
09:48Will they continue to love?
09:50But I've already handed them my heart.
09:52Yes.
09:53What will they do with it?
09:54Wow.
09:55I always say, know who you're giving your heart to.
09:59Character traits.
10:00What is the character of the person that you are having this very quick infatuation with?
10:07What is this character?
10:08And really, you have to know what you want, right?
10:12So that you are what I call being the love you want to attract, okay?
10:16Not only are you wanting it, you're living in those same character traits.
10:20What do you, and this leads me to this.
10:23I get clients sometimes who say, I just keep attracting the same one, Dr. Stacey.
10:27I just keep attracting that same personality, character of an individual.
10:32What would you say to that?
10:33You attracted your skill level.
10:34Because you know what?
10:35Boom.
10:36I'm going to fly out tonight.
10:38Yes.
10:39Back home, right?
10:40Now, I just read about a flight where the pilot passed out.
10:43And just so happened.
10:44This is in real life?
10:45This is real life.
10:46And this is just in the past week.
10:49The pilot passed out, and there happened to be another pilot on board from a different
10:56airlines, and he helped the plane down.
10:58Now, let me tell you something.
10:59You could have pointed at me all day long, but I couldn't get behind that pit.
11:04I wanted to save your life.
11:06I wanted to be in a relationship where I could have been the savior of that flight.
11:11Not that I was on it, but I'm saying, if I was on that flight, I would have wanted to, but I don't have the skills.
11:18You can want love all you want, people.
11:20You can want marriage all you want.
11:23You can want it as badly as water and survival, but if you don't have the skills to maintain it, you will not be satisfied.
11:33Absolutely.
11:34You will not be successful.
11:35That's a whole word.
11:36Can I get an amen?
11:37Amen.
11:38You cannot be it.
11:39That was so incredible.
11:40That was a great story, a metaphor.
11:42Are y'all taking notes?
11:44Because my mind just said, ask the ladies, are they taking notes?
11:47I know you're not being a teacher today, but sometimes you got to tell the people what to do.
11:50Y'all taking notes?
11:52Dropping gems.
11:53For real.
11:54For real.
11:55Make sure you get your phones out.
11:57Take notes.
11:58Hashtag Essence Wellness House.
12:01The thing is, it's important to what did even Ty say earlier?
12:06The divine in you honors the divine in someone else.
12:09So then pass this word on that Love McPherson is giving us.
12:13All right?
12:14And make sure y'all hashtag her too.
12:15All right.
12:16I want to ask you a couple of more questions.
12:18So why do you think then we get trainers for everything else?
12:24We had Deshaun Johnson up here.
12:26We get coaches.
12:27You know, he helped us work out.
12:29Right?
12:30You know, we get trainers.
12:31We get the workout people.
12:33We get the business coaches.
12:35Right?
12:36Why do you think we don't honor the thing that some of us might not want to get married?
12:44But I've never met one person who did not want love.
12:49Romantic love.
12:50I'm not talking about your mama, your daddy, and your kids.
12:52Okay?
12:53Let's just get real with this.
12:54That's such a good question.
12:55Let me tell you something.
12:56And I'm so glad you asked that question.
12:58Because this is what we say.
13:00Real men should know how to...
13:05If you're a real man, you should know.
13:10Meaning this.
13:11If you're a real woman, you know already.
13:14So why do you need me to tell you when you're a real woman and know already?
13:19Mm.
13:20It's kind of like people who see you with a child or see you pregnant, they always want
13:24to give advice.
13:25But your child can be very different from their child.
13:29Mm-hmm.
13:30They don't...
13:31You get two kids from your own same stomach.
13:33Yeah.
13:34And they can be polar opposite.
13:35Yes.
13:36You cannot parent both of them alike.
13:37Mm-hmm.
13:38So the question of why do we get trainers?
13:40Because we think we already know.
13:42Mm-hmm.
13:43But what we do is...
13:44But why we don't get trainers.
13:45Why do we don't get trainers in the area of love?
13:48Yeah.
13:49We believe we know how to do something.
13:51However, what we know is bad teaching.
13:54Mm-hmm.
13:55Bad conditioning.
13:56And what we have to realize...
13:58And so what we do is we project our deficiencies on others.
14:02Well, if they had only did this, I could do this.
14:05And that goes both ways.
14:06Mm-hmm.
14:07I'm not saying for men or...
14:08That goes both ways.
14:09Yes.
14:10If only they had done.
14:11They want to project the failure onto others.
14:14When in actuality, if you look back at even at some of your early relationships, you can
14:19say, I could have done this better.
14:21Wow.
14:22I didn't know this when I was growing up.
14:24We keep growing.
14:25I'm living, you know, different age than a lot of you all.
14:29But I look back and I have the privilege of perspective.
14:33And I say, I thank God that my 20-some-year-old self didn't have social media to spew all of
14:40her foolishness online to the whole world, okay?
14:43Wow.
14:44Wow.
14:45But now I have more wisdom that I've been able to cultivate and learn and submit to.
14:51Mm-hmm.
14:52And I am able to see, mm, that was me.
14:56That wasn't my husband.
14:57That was me.
14:58Yes.
14:59You understand?
15:00And to be able to do that requires a level of humility, of integrity, and we got to see
15:06when it's us, when we brought that in from our past, you got to go and say, you know
15:11what, and everybody is shocked when I'm talking to them and when I say this.
15:16Okay.
15:17Doesn't that sound like your mother?
15:19They have never associated the two.
15:21Wasn't that kind of like what your father did to you?
15:24Didn't you just abandon them like your father just abandoned you?
15:27Wow.
15:28Didn't you just do?
15:29And so they're shocked that they are repeating patterns on the subconscious level that they
15:34never intended to do.
15:36Wow.
15:37And so they're going to go from the outside to coach us and see the patterns and pull
15:40them out and say, hey, let's self-correct in this way.
15:43Absolutely.
15:44Another word.
15:45Another word.
15:46I want to ask you this.
15:48What is the number one saboteur that keeps people from developing these healthy romantic
15:54relationships?
15:55You know, one of the number one saboteurs is fear of past pain.
16:02Ooh.
16:03Now, let me tell you something.
16:04This is really important, you all.
16:06Because even if somebody comes in, Mr. Right, and treats us right, if we don't believe we
16:13deserve it, if our traumas have talked us out of it, if abandonment says he's going to
16:19leave you, it doesn't matter.
16:20I know you're good.
16:21If neglect says you can't trust people, if all of those messages of abuse and neglect
16:28and abandonment, if they are speaking to you, you will continue to sabotage relationships,
16:34but fear the pain.
16:35Why?
16:36Because this pain goes deeper all the way into my childhood.
16:39Yes.
16:40Go ahead.
16:41I believe one of the most important things we have to remember when you talk about that
16:48is you all, you have to be willing to fall.
16:51You have to be willing to get it wrong.
16:54You have to be willing to get it wrong.
16:57I'm going to say it.
16:58You have to.
16:59Because with every person that you date, what you will see is there's something that you
17:04learn from that person, whether it's good or bad.
17:08Check in with yourself to make sure you're saying, okay, self, instead of I ain't like
17:13that.
17:14Say, wow, me not liking that.
17:15That's really something good.
17:16I just learned something about myself.
17:18Right?
17:19And then you decide when you discover that it's something you don't like about yourself,
17:24ask yourself this question.
17:25Can my love cover that?
17:27Say it again.
17:28Can my love cover that?
17:31If you say no, then guess what?
17:34This is another very difficult stage.
17:37Walk away.
17:39Because sometimes we are so conditioned, our tolerance levels are so high until we will
17:45stay in stuff that we know we should have left two years ago from.
17:49Taking me to church.
17:50And the more you invest, the more you stay.
17:52Mm-hmm.
17:53Believing and hoping against hope that somebody's going to change.
17:56People are not going to change for you.
17:58They will change for themselves when they feel like changing.
18:01And I know we've heard that a thousand times, but you have to understand your superpowers.
18:07Yes.
18:08Do not override their will.
18:10And it's not, and let me say this, y'all.
18:12It's not mommying people.
18:14Y'all know what mommying is?
18:15Trying to tell people how they should live their lives when y'all are out here dating.
18:19And some wives, too.
18:21Stop mommying.
18:22Men don't need, you don't, they don't need to be mommying.
18:25Right?
18:26Allow a person to show you, just like love just said, who they are and believe them.
18:30No more mommying.
18:31And you know what?
18:32Let me tell you something.
18:33Yes.
18:34I'm glad you said that because the mommying, a lot of times, you really have to check yourself
18:38and say, wait, was I a parentified child?
18:41Was that?
18:42Somebody who parented my parents, parent my siblings, parented people that, and even though
18:48I was a child myself, I switched roles for survival's sake.
18:52Mm-hmm.
18:53Because what ends up happening is you will lack sometimes, if you have not dealt with that,
18:58you will lack boundaries.
18:59You will switch roles and become the man if you need to be the man.
19:02Yes.
19:03You will switch roles and become the mother if you need to be the mother.
19:06Yes.
19:07You will be the provider.
19:08You will switch roles for survival of the relationship.
19:11And you will become a parent to grown men, a parent to a date, a parent to somebody you
19:18met just a month ago who has now moved in.
19:21Because you want that fit.
19:22We have to stop ourselves.
19:23Yes.
19:24That's the skill of parenting.
19:26So that's the go-to in order for you to feel valued.
19:31And people don't need that.
19:34It's not a way to connect.
19:36Men want friends.
19:37Men don't connect.
19:38They won't connect from their heart space.
19:40You see?
19:41And that's not healthy.
19:42They'll connect from their trauma.
19:43Because I need mom to tell me what to do.
19:45Now, I'm going to say something.
19:47Go ahead.
19:48Yeah.
19:49Tell them love.
19:50A healthy man does not want a mother.
19:52There are some baby men who will be perfectly happy with some mommies out there.
19:57Well, they might be happy with it and then mad about it at the same time.
20:00Right.
20:01But you don't want to be the co-dependent relationship that actually supports that.
20:06You understand?
20:07Just like some women.
20:08So we both have them on both sides.
20:09But I just don't want you to think that no men want a mother.
20:13Some will seek a mom so that they can sit on the couch and play their video games while
20:18you go off and do the mothering of working and providing for the home.
20:22That's what you want.
20:23If that's what you find yourself in, then that's not a man issue.
20:27That's a you issue that you need healing from.
20:30And then be clear.
20:32Because some women, they may want that type of man.
20:35But then if he is that, don't try to talk him out of it.
20:38Because ask yourself, oh, maybe I like telling people what to do.
20:42But if you want that and you need that, then that is an issue related to your own self-worth.
20:48Because you will lead by, I need to be wanted rather than needed.
20:55You don't think you have the glue to be wanted.
20:58You have the glue to be needed.
21:00I've said that in reverse.
21:01Somebody needs you so you'll enter into co-dependent relationships where you're the fixer.
21:06You're the person on top.
21:08You're in the power position.
21:09Because they need you.
21:10They need you because, hey, I know they're not going to go anywhere because they're here.
21:14But can you be in an equal relationship where you're simply wanted?
21:20If your childhood says, no, you're nobody.
21:23I'm not worthy.
21:24I am less than.
21:27If the traumas of your childhood that have not been corrected are saying that and speaking that in your ear.
21:33If your inner critic is mean and cruel and telling you who you aren't.
21:37If you have not rectified and silenced and muted that inner critic.
21:41If you have not dealt with the inward work, then guess what?
21:44You will pick people who you feel like need you rather than believing that you can be wanted and chosen.
21:51Let me ask you this question so good.
21:54I sometimes tell because sometimes women and male clients, I find that they are they complain about their partner.
22:04Right.
22:05But they're so used to that type of what you go back and you talked about codependency.
22:12And they're built like that from the beginning.
22:17Is there and this is I never asked nobody this.
22:22It just popped in my head.
22:23It's about to bless your life.
22:24Is there a way to be or you would tell a client to be comfortable in their discomfort?
22:29Because some people, they just don't want to change from a client standpoint.
22:33Or do you push back and say, continue to walk them through their change?
22:39Because sometimes people are satisfied with being unsatisfied.
22:44Yeah, they have they have tolerance for pain.
22:47Yes.
22:48Because they've endured.
22:49They know how to master pain more than they have to.
22:52Some people know how to master comfort.
22:54So then what do you deal with?
22:55How do you deal with a client like that?
22:57And this is the thing.
22:59A lot of times your pain and your conditioning and what you're used to used to is just that.
23:08It's a state of mind and survival.
23:11But in a more relaxed state, you want to get them in touch with the truth of who they are.
23:17You know, my daughter and I were having a conversation and she was saying, you know, we were we had lunch with one of my friends.
23:24And she was saying how she went to Tanzania and walked through the fields and sought for this beautiful sunset they talked about.
23:31And she and I said, let me tell you something.
23:34I have no desire to walk through a field that might have snakes in it or might have animals in it.
23:41And you know what, that should be, sometimes that might be looked at as you're not exploring.
23:46No.
23:47But if you put me in a beautiful hotel with the sun, I will go on that plane.
23:52Yes.
23:53Because I've walked through enough scary fields.
23:55Yes.
23:56In my childhood that have traumatized me with snakes.
23:59I'm not going back to the snakes.
24:01Yes.
24:02And you realize I will not allow the pressures of society or what people think I should enjoy to influence my behavior.
24:09You've got to go in touch with who you are because we're constantly changing.
24:13You're not your 27 year old self.
24:15You're not the same person before your mother died or before you lost this or before you had children.
24:21You're not the same person.
24:23Go back.
24:24Pause.
24:25And don't be afraid to say what you like and what you don't like.
24:31Yes.
24:32Go discover you fresh.
24:34Otherwise, you will choose them.
24:36Your 40 year old self will choose your mate.
24:38Your 20 some year old self will choose your mate.
24:41And they will choose them all wrong.
24:43Why?
24:44Because you don't know your 40 some.
24:45You don't know your 30 some year old self.
24:47Go always stay in touch with you, which requires sitting down, relaxing, thinking,
24:52and processing out what happened to you.
24:55Wow.
24:56Hmm.
24:57I have a couple more questions and then I want to make sure we get your contact information
25:01and how to stand in touch with you.
25:03What would you tell people who want love but just are so heartbroken
25:08that they don't know how to really push past that fear?
25:13They want it, but they just cannot push past that fear of it happening again.
25:19That's such a good question.
25:21Let me tell you what.
25:22First of all, my heart goes out to you.
25:24I want you to give yourself grace, first of all, because you may be dealing with relationship
25:30PTSD.
25:31You may be dealing with some traumas and heartbreak feels the same as emotional as physical pain.
25:39The brain process is physical pain and emotional pain the same.
25:43So the throbbing you feel is real.
25:45Now what I'm going to say is this.
25:47It's just like if you got into a car wreck and you were hit by a car or something and you're in a crash.
25:54The first thing you have to do is assess, acknowledge you were in a car wreck.
25:59Yes.
26:00Then you assess the damage.
26:02Now you may not experience the full damage that day, but how many have ever been in a car wreck
26:06where you felt it the day after or two days after you start feeling the pain show up?
26:11You may have been on a high when you said, I'm finished with this, ba-na-na-na, da-na-na,
26:17and you dismissed it and you feeling all proud and then two days later you sitting in the bed crying.
26:21Understand the real realities of that pain and then after you assess the damage, go get work.
26:30Yes.
26:31Don't just jump up and say, I got a marathon tomorrow so I got to keep going.
26:35If you go into another relationship, you just are now running another marathon.
26:39Wow.
26:40You don't even have the skills, the stamina, or the ability to now maneuver a healthy relationship.
26:46Pause.
26:47Some of you all are in monkey bar relationships where you go from things to this.
26:52Some of you all are in bridge relationships where you bring in the next person, sit right here,
26:57because I'm going to be gone in a second, okay, and you're going to help me across this bridge.
27:01You got to know if you are a bridge relationship person, a monkey bar relationship person,
27:06or if you can stop and heal, change courses, learn like you just said, and then enter another one healthy.
27:14Absolutely.
27:15Absolutely, you all.
27:16I tell you all, I told you earlier I'm on a show called Put A Ring On It on OWN Network
27:22and tell you what you just said works miracles.
27:26It really does work miracles, not just with singles, but with couples.
27:31All right?
27:32Before we go, we got to find you.
27:34Y'all got to find her, right?
27:35You got to find this one, honey.
27:36So right now, you go to your social media on Instagram.
27:39I am love underscore McPherson.
27:42But on my website, I'm lovemcpherson.com.
27:45You can find me anywhere there.
27:47I'm on Facebook on Love McPherson.
27:49Everything Love McPherson.
27:50All right?
27:51L-O-V-E.
27:52And that's my real name, you all.
27:53I love it.
27:54Thank you so much, love.
27:55Thank you so much.
27:56Such a pleasure.
27:57Absolutely.
27:58Absolutely.
27:59Absolutely.
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