- 14 hours ago
Raising black children in the internet age with Dr. Traci Baxley, Crystal Swain Bates and Andrea McCoy.
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00:00yes it's Dr. Stacey J Johnson all right are y'all tired of seeing me this is the right answer it
00:12don't matter just no no right and everybody at home online your right answer just go ahead and
00:18put no we love you Dr. Stacey J Johnson yes I want to keep my job next year okay anyway so wow that
00:27was amazing right I want to talk about a couple of things that they said the idea that we have to run
00:34ourselves in the ground to be productive just because you can does not mean you need to
00:42Patrice Washington said that that hit a that hit a nerve it grabbed me like this when I was on the
00:49side it just I was convicted because you know we feel like just because we can do it we should do
00:54it and Patrice says no that's no no no no no take care of love thyself right someone else said
01:01um Brianna Holder said ask yourself why are you dope why are you dope right Patrice then said now here's
01:13the part because as women sometimes we neglect ourselves and we forget to feel our feelings
01:20remember she said as a kid her people were like stop feeling stop don't cry fix yourself fix your
01:29face don't show me that you're feeling bad don't show me that you you want to cry fix your face
01:34yeah but it's feel your feelings I love that I love that I love that so you all we are going to keep
01:41this thing going again I'm Dr. Stacey J Johnson you are at the essence wellness house make sure you're
01:47what hashtagging essence wellness house all right all right is that that that yes say yes okay great
01:55everybody at home make sure you're doing the same essence wellness house now let's get it going this
02:01next panel oh my gosh you all social media yeah social media racism and our kids raising black
02:10black children in the internet age that's huge I got a little niece she won and she got an iPad
02:19like I I I can't hardly get my iPad to go on but she's one years old she got she's one and she has an
02:25iPad let's hear it one more time I want to make sure Dr. Bradford Patrice Washington Brianna Holder
02:32you all enjoyed that thank you so much thank you so much all right so let's bring everybody to the stage
02:38next it's time to talk about kids specifically how we're all managing in the social media world
02:46parenting black and brown children in 2023 presents unique challenges unlike any we've actually seen
02:54before right so these ladies are going to talk about the many layers of what it looks like navigating
03:01parenthood today as our children continue to receive a front row seat to what rampant racism and social
03:11media without further ado coming to the stage author and winner of the parent test Andrea McCoy come on out
03:20Andrea I love it absolutely next best-selling author and diversity publishing pro Crystal Swain Bates yes
03:31and then last but certainly not least author professor parenting coach creator of
03:38social justice parenting and mother of five Dr. Tracy Braxley
03:44thank you everybody for being here good afternoon ladies good afternoon we are going to just jump right
04:03into this conversation a lot to talk about in a short amount of time so if we can start off by you
04:11sharing how the work and parenting how it kind of intersects with today's climate of social media
04:21absolutely everybody I'm Crystal Swain Bates excited to be here and one of the things that I do is I write
04:30children's books that normalize black girl magic and brown boy joy and I write for babies
04:37kids so kids under the age of 10 that's so important to me because I want kids to be able to
04:44develop a positive sense of self before social media in the world tells them that they are not enough
04:52they're not pretty enough they're not strong enough and so that's why I'm publishing these books so that
04:57kids are able to read them and be able to tackle social media whenever they actually start using it
05:04great thank you and you could never start too young right absolutely so I work more with parents
05:12and I am writing a book it is called disciplining with love it will be available soon and it is
05:17geared towards helping parents that are figuring out how to use positive discipline and make changes
05:25instead of parenting just the way that they've known to parent or the way that they've been taught
05:29they can put forth the effort to make changes to parent the way their child needs so what I do is
05:35I focus more on helping parents to figure out what their children need and to be able to parent them
05:40in the most positive way that can help them to become who they are created to be excellent thank you so
05:47much I'm gonna ask the question to Crystal when we talk about how racism and social media intersects
05:54young kids are often really the center of that conversation what are some of the most common
06:02issues that we're seeing in black and brown children what they're struggling with and how social media
06:08tells them who they are or who they can't be great question well you know children are the most
06:16impressionable internet users like as adults we can barely use social media without going into
06:24depression and anxiety so thinking about kids that are using it and they haven't built up the ability
06:32to really handle what they're seeing you're seeing kids who are looking at things online they're looking
06:40at people with different skin colors lighter than them darker than them so they're dealing with colorism
06:47they're dealing with hair texture issues so little girls who are natural might not feel like their hair
06:54is enough it doesn't look as pretty as her hair it's not as long as her hair I wish my hair was
06:58straight you have body image issues and you also have people that are pushing very dangerous health
07:06regimes online so these kids are dealing with anxiety and depression and unfortunately a lot of them will
07:14not speak to a parent about that so I think it's we're living in an age now where back in the day you would go to
07:23dinner with your kids and say how was school today what did you learn but now I feel like we have to
07:29add a new question to that conversation and say what did you see on social media today how did that make
07:36you feel and give kids a safe space to be able to voice themselves and share what they've seen online so
07:43that you can get a feel for their actual mental health and capacity for using social media yeah I think it's
07:50really important that we engage in critical media literacy with our children right where we're
07:55teaching our kids how to look at media in terms of power structures that are on present how we look
08:04at representation and be able to read between the lines so to speak with social media and I think
08:10that's we need to be more active and more intentional about doing that with our children and we also are seeing
08:17more and more people vocalize their struggles with social media especially adults so what can we do and
08:25Andrea this question is for you what are some things that black parents can do to be to increase the
08:30likelihood that their children are opening up to them more about what they feel as it relates to how
08:37they feel about social media I think that the most important part of that is communication making sure that
08:45you talk about the regular everyday things with your kids and asking them open-ended questions don't
08:51just say oh how was your day but say tell me something funny that happened tell me something that was sad that
08:56happened today getting them in the habit of communicating with you and talking with you about anything that
09:02they're experiencing I feel makes a really big difference and I also know that you may have to be
09:06creative in finding different avenues where your child feels comfortable communicating with you even if it comes to
09:12social media asking them about things they've seen or you know show me a video that you saw that was
09:17funny being very involved making sure that you're monitoring what they're taking in but also keeping
09:23that communication very open and clear where they feel that they can talk to you about anything no matter
09:27what with my daughter she's 14 one thing we do is we have a communication journal so if she has something
09:34that she wants to talk to me about that's maybe embarrassing or she's afraid of how I may respond or she has a big
09:40question she can write to me in this journal and I can either come and talk to her or write back based
09:46on what she prefers but the communication lines are there because you can't help a child through something
09:52that you don't know that they're going through or experiencing yeah and I think it's important on that
09:57same line is that we're we are intentional about creating safe spaces for our children at home
10:01right that is judgment free um they're they are free from their fears they don't feel shame and blame and the
10:09things that they're feeling and the things that they're going through and I think when we create
10:14these safe spaces early when they become teenagers and those things get hard and they get real especially
10:19around social media they already know that you're their go-to person it's really absolutely
10:23um we can't always shelter our children from racism right so we look at the term system systemic racism
10:35as adults we know that shows up in our work spaces we know it shows up in politics um in the health system
10:44also so what what are some ways that we can that we're seeing this idea of social um systemic racism show
10:54up with our children on social media one way that I have noticed is
11:00allowing misinformation to continue to be promoted sometimes it can be about something like black
11:09lives matter where they know it's incorrect but they allow this this information to still be spread
11:14that's one systemic thing that happens with social media another thing that happens is they silence black
11:20voices a lot of times if you want to post about something that is against white supremacy they're going
11:26to monitor that they'll shut it down they'll remove it but they allow a lot of racist rhetoric to still
11:31be post against black people under freedom of speech and all of that is very systemic yeah and I think it's
11:38really important that we teach self-advocacy skills with their children so when those things are going on in
11:44the world around them they they know who they are and they can stand who they are and I think it's also
11:50important that we teach boundaries um so our children will know um it's okay to say no to certain things
11:57it's okay to push back against things that they don't feel comfortable comfortable with um and these
12:03are I think active things that we do in our homes and we can't assume that our kids are going to learn
12:08this on their own yes and just to add to that I think that you know social media and smartphones are such an
12:15amazing thing so we have these little devices in our hands with these 4k cameras but that means that
12:21now we're able to get so many more documented instances of police brutality so these things are
12:28on camera they're all over social media and guess who's seeing it children are seeing it they're seeing the
12:34harm against our black bodies and that is not something that kids need to be seeing so when it comes to
12:41systemic racism they're seeing what's happening and they're seeing other people that are not black
12:49who are doing the similar things and they aren't dying so I think that these are things that it's
12:55important for kids to know what's going on but I think we also have to kind of make that decision of
13:01how much do we share what do we allow them to see um just because you can handle seeing someone being shot
13:07does not mean that they need to see it at that age yeah everything age appropriately right yeah
13:13and you know your kids better than anybody else so you know how much we want to share but I think
13:19the idea of being open and honest is really really important for us as parents um what about those parents
13:26who who want to monitor or limit their younger children's uh access to social media but they also
13:34struggle with the balance of also wanting their kids to know so uh technology and to be engaged in
13:41what's going on technologically um and not get behind how do we find that balance between the two
13:50i would say in general small kids don't need social media at all i think that the best way to avoid
13:57social media problems with small kids is to avoid them having it if you can i do know that there's
14:02certain situations let's say if your child is in show business or things where they are required
14:06to have one by the agency and the parent needs to monitor that be involved my child's 14 and she's
14:12only allowed an hour a day i have her passwords i can see what's going on but another thing that i
14:18find important is making sure that children are educated on the dangers and the whys behind why social
14:24media is bad for you my daughter has to write out her own social media contract it is what she will and
14:30won't do how she will behave she has to write it herself because i need to know that you fully
14:35comprehend what you are agreeing to and what the consequences are so it's important to make sure
14:41that they're educated if they're going to be on the internet but they're not going to get behind on
14:45anything by missing social media because there's plenty other more healthy things that small kids can do
14:50yeah i love that you um have your your daughter um focus on accountability right that she
14:57has this privilege of having a phone but there's also accountability that that happens with that
15:04as well absolutely and i think we really need to talk about the addiction of social media right and
15:11the impact that it has on children um with their anxiety with depression um there's a cdc study that
15:18showed that the suicide rate for black children and teenagers has doubled between 2007 and 2017
15:28and a lot of that is some of the bullying some of the on cyber bullying bullying that's going on with
15:33social media um what do you guys feel about that and how can we protect our children some from that
15:40so i really feel like some of these statistics we're really just seeing the tip of the iceberg
15:45because social media i mean for me i didn't grow up with social media i don't know how old y'all are
15:50but i didn't grow up with social media like that so i don't think we're really seeing the full impact of
15:57what social media is doing to children i think it's going to be you know 10 years from now 15 20
16:02years from now that we'll actually be able to see but when it comes to kids being depressed
16:08and kids getting addicted i think that's when you absolutely have to pay attention to your kids
16:15set limits for them when using these devices don't be afraid to push back and then give them other
16:21things that they can do but i think it really comes down to the parenting and i know everyone's busy
16:29these days you know everybody's working and it can be really easy to push a device in front of a kid
16:34i see plenty of people you know with two-year-olds one-year-olds and they oh he won't stop crying
16:40unless i give him the device that's a problem like they're already forming an addiction and they're
16:45they're an infant they're a toddler they can't even talk so i think you know kind of weaning people
16:51weaning children off of the devices once they become addicted but also making it so that they don't
16:57become addicted in the first place and i think there's a lot of studies that show 10 minutes a day with
17:03kids with uninterrupted non-technological time builds connection really better than anything else so
17:11we take 10 minutes out of our day to talk with our kids play with our kids whatever that looks like for
17:18you without technology the studies show that 10 minutes a day really supports this idea of staying
17:24connected and the more kids feel connected to you i think the the more you have insight on who they are
17:31and their friends and the things that are going on in their lives we kind of talked a lot about the
17:37negative part of social media but there's also some positive things so on a more positive note um
17:44what we're seeing a lot of with brown and black children and um changes that we see going on kids
17:53are being more socially connected more socially engaged we see their voices are being present more than
18:00than than ever before around cultural issues cultural conversations and what are some of the
18:07things that we can do as parents to still allow them to be on social media for these positive things but
18:14making sure that it's safe i would say one thing i did with my daughter when she first had a social
18:20media is i kind of tricked the algorithm i went into her search and i searched you know positive vibes and
18:27you know very positive things things that kids should be into so then the things that she's seeing
18:34are in line with what i want her to see so those are the kind of pages i followed and the kind of
18:38things that i searched so that i kind of tricked the algorithm so that when she does see it it's only
18:43healthy and age-appropriate setting up parental controls and also just being open to those conversations
18:49when things happen when racist things happen in the media you can say hey what have you heard about
18:54this what have you seen about this and just being able to communicate and have conversations and
18:59giving them opportunities we do go to marches and do different things sometimes she'll see that and
19:04say hey let's go do this and making sure that you're supporting them in the positive as we monitor to
19:10fence out the negative i love that thing of tricking tricking that was that is hilarious i love that
19:17i love that all right so another thing that we see that is it's seemingly positive is that social
19:23media has really allowed black and brown kids to become young business owners we see a lot of young
19:29children become entrepreneurs you know really since the pandemic so um any advice for parents on how we
19:36navigate that space with our children train the algorithm and have it follow other young entrepreneurs
19:46so i think kids need to be able to see other kids that are doing cool things so when they see other
19:53kids that have businesses that's going to encourage and inspire them to do the same um so social media
19:59does not have to be bad you know i think it's all how you use it you can literally use social media to find
20:05and learn anything and so as long as you are pushing children or tricking their algorithm in their phone
20:12to be able to show them the things that you want them to see things that they can grow from and learn
20:18from and then i would also say sometimes those entrepreneurs have opportunities for meet and greets
20:25opportunities to meet those kids in real life and i think that makes a really big difference because
20:30it's one thing to see someone on social media but to actually be able to meet that kid see them speak
20:37absolutely amazing if i can piggyback on that a little bit one thing i would add because my daughter
20:43she sings dances writes music with her business page i'm very very involved so if your child is doing
20:49any kind of business that means they're also going to be dealing with adults and so you kind of have to
20:53be that buffer to make sure things are appropriate that nobody's trying to take advantage of them
20:57and i always tell her no um intelligent adult is going to try to do business with a child without
21:03contacting the adult so you have to kind of make sure that they know to redirect people because
21:08sometimes people can use that as a guise with ill intentions and so you just kind of teach them oh
21:13if somebody reaches out to you for this direct them to me and make sure that you are involved with
21:18any kind of transactions because people will try to get over on kids yeah and i think it's really
21:23important that for kids who are thinking about this idea of entrepreneurship that we push them to lean into
21:30their own curiosities right sometimes we get busy sometimes what they're interested in is not
21:36something that we know or that we're interested in so i would advise parents too to lean into your own
21:41kids curiosities and let them explore and experiment a little bit and even if they fail or they fall
21:48that those are all lessons that help them as they grow up and they um try the next thing
21:54what are some things that we can offer as alternatives to social media for kids and teens
21:59what could actually you know hold their attention because it seems like social media is so quick
22:04and fast what else what alternatives can we offer well you already know as an author and a publisher i'm
22:10going to say books all right put down the phone pick up the book like people don't want to read
22:19anymore and i recently read a study that was showing like the the percentage of people who still buy books
22:25and you don't have a lot of people who buy books anymore so i think that you know kind of going
22:29back to how it used to be where you would sit and read with your kid you know read together um and
22:35i've heard parents say oh my child doesn't like books they don't like to read that's because you
22:40haven't found the right books for them and modeling that right yes exactly do they ever see you read
22:46do they ever see you pick up a book or are you constantly scrolling on social media so that's really
22:51important to me to be able to try to get kids to read more learn more um write their own books tell
22:58their own stories and it's really something that can be life-changing and a whole new career field
23:07i would just like to say that activities is a good thing too because you don't know what their passion
23:12is or what their purpose is so making sure that they try a lot of different activities until you figure out
23:17what sticks and just keeping them busy and putting them in stuff that they enjoy because they won't
23:22care about being on social media if they love music and they're at voice lessons or if they love
23:28basketball and they have a game finding out what their passion is and then scaffolding and supporting
23:33them in building that talent and working on that skill is something that is a positive alternative as
23:39well excellent thank you so much thank you for joining us um thank you ladies before we close out
23:45please let everybody know where they can find you um on social media you can find me on all social
23:51media platforms under c swain bates if you can't spell it just go to amazon and search for big hair
23:58don't care that's my best-selling book on instagram you can find me at yay it's dre which is y-a-a-3 y's
24:08and then it's dre and it's andrea and mccoy a little bit easier on twitter i also um can be reached via
24:16email at discipliningwithalove at gmail.com awesome and i'm tracy baxley and i can be found on all things
24:23social justice parenting thank you for joining us
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