00:00Hello, everyone, and welcome. I am Charlie Penn, the Lifestyle Director here at Essence,
00:06and if you're familiar with my work, you know that I am a fierce advocate of all things
00:10healthy, happy relationships. Healthy relationships are a critical component of your mental health
00:16journey and your happiness, but as we know, guys, good love takes work. That's why this
00:23conversation we're about to have is for all the lovers out there. I've called in what
00:27I like to think is a dream team of relationship experts who are here today to share their
00:33very best advice on healthy relationship habits. Get ready to take notes because, as always,
00:39gems shall be dropped. So let's meet today's dream team. Up first, we have married filmmakers
00:46Cody and Tommy Oliver, who are the creators of the hit Black Love docuseries on OWN and
00:52of BlackLove.com, which focuses on relationship advice and content for couples, my favorite
00:57lives. Hello, Cody and Tommy.
01:00Hi, Charlie. How are you?
01:02I'm well. So good to see you guys. Thank you for coming. You guys, this is the couple's
01:06couple, so I'm excited about this. That's what I like to call them. All right, I'm going
01:10to bring in our next guest. We have licensed marriage and family therapist, Shadeen Francis,
01:16who specializes in sex therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice, y'all. Hey, Shadeen.
01:23Hi. Good to be here.
01:24Welcome. We're so happy to have you. Thank you for coming.
01:28Of course. Thank you so much for having me.
01:30Of course. We have one more panelist coming in to join the fun because, like I said, we're
01:34going in today, guys. Please welcome licensed therapist, author, and relationship expert
01:39who you can see in the current issue of Essence right now, Nedra Tawwab. Nedra, come on in,
01:44girl.
01:45Hi.
01:46Hi. Welcome. Look at all of you.
01:48Thank you for having me. Thank you guys for being here today and for holding space for
01:53Black love. So look, let's dive in. As we all know, healthy habits lead to healthy relationships.
02:00And so today we're going to touch on different aspects of healthy relationships like intimacy,
02:05communication, trust. And I'll ask each of you to weigh in by answering the questions with
02:11your best advice for couples to strengthen those muscles. Y'all ready to do this?
02:15Yes. Let's do it. Let's go. I'm going to start with my personal favorite, communication. Couples
02:22who learn how to best communicate, right, are really better equipped to handle problems
02:26or issues that arise inside and outside of their relationships. What are some habits and
02:32trips that help couples form better communication skills? And for those who already communicate
02:37well, how can they strengthen that muscle? Cody and Tommy, let's start with you guys.
02:41Honestly, my first thought went immediately to, you know, owning your own stuff, right? And so
02:48communication starts with not just your partner or your spouse. It starts with how you communicate
02:53yourself openly and honestly with anyone that you love and certainly with yourself. So to me,
02:59just like first practicing honesty and transparency in all of your relationships. And then that translates
03:07over to your partner. Absolutely. I'd also add that it's a hard thing to quite, to wrap your head
03:14around the idea that communication, it's a two-way understanding. And so you can communicate
03:20clearly or think you are, but if it doesn't land, then as a collective, it's not working. And so
03:26that the goal needs to be understanding what? Nothing. I was going to add, but I'm sure the ladies
03:33have this to say too, therapy helps. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I love that you're both weighing in on
03:41this because both people have to be willing to do that work in the communication department.
03:47Nedra. Nedra, what about you? How can we work on that communication?
03:52You know, I think arguing is healthy for a relationship. And after each argument, it's always
03:59really helpful to have some takeaways of what to do better. And I think a lot of times we leave
04:06arguments and we just leave them open. And it's really helpful if you come up with, okay, this is
04:14how we can prevent this in the future. My needs have been highlighted, and this is what I would like to
04:19see as a way to really build the communication. Because sometimes we don't know what we like until
04:27something happens. And we're like, oh my gosh, I really don't like this thing. So use that
04:32as an opportunity to correct issues in the future.
04:37I love the idea of highlighting our needs. In my mind, I'm like, okay, have I done that assessment
04:42lately? That's key. Shadine, what about you? Let's talk about communication.
04:48Yeah. And maybe I'll just bridge both of those, right? So Cody and Tommy were talking about
04:52vulnerability. Nadja added, you know, communicating clearly like what it is that you need.
04:58I think that it's important for us to remember that everything is communication. It's actually
05:02impossible for us to not communicate. Like as a therapist, one of the things that people always
05:07come to the office and say, it's like, we need better communication skills. But even complete
05:11silence, like if I was to sit here and say nothing, you still get a message from me, from my body language,
05:15from what you think that I'm thinking. And so I always invite folks to really think clearly about what
05:20you want the other person to know and to try your best to be really clear and exact about that.
05:26Usually it's an emotion. Most of the time we want people to understand how we feel so that they can
05:31make some sort of change or adjustment. And so I think if folks, when they're communicating with one
05:36another, they're checking in with themselves, but like, what do I want this other person to take
05:39from this conversation? And how explicitly can I say that? Like, I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling scared.
05:47I'm feeling sad. Right. I think that it will help move conversations in the direction that they
05:53actually need to go. I'm looking at you first, Shadeen, because we're going to talk about sex
05:57and intimacy, right? Busy couples, I hear this a lot, right? They admit that although they feel
06:03connected, their sex life and intimacy can really take a hit when they're busy with work or raising
06:09children and, you know, our sex lives and our intimacy, they overall, they suffer even for the
06:15most well-intentioned couples. Right. And there's some shame there, but what are some habits and
06:20advice really on recommending what you recommend on keeping it hot and just staying close, especially
06:26when we're all just so busy? Yeah, that is a big question. And I'm sure we could have an entire
06:31chat. Just that. I feel compelled to say first that in my line of work, sex and intimacy are
06:39different things, right? So sex might be, right, the actual, like, acts, the way that we connect
06:44sexually with one another. Intimacy is emotional, right? Intimacy is our emotional connection. So
06:50when folks are saying, like, I don't feel connected to my partner, right, the place that we go is
06:55actually sharing and vulnerability, right? How much time do you actually spend, like, in conversation
07:00or in eye contact, just being present with your partner? When folks are talking about, you know,
07:06I want to have better sex, I want to have more enjoyable sex, you know, and I then turn to desire,
07:11right? So you named that people still want to be having sex, right? And so how do we actually embody
07:17that and commit to that? So I know that we're going to get, like, a split reaction to this, right? I'm a fan
07:24of scheduling, right? It doesn't have to be, like, okay, sex at 7 on Monday, right?
07:29Like, it can be that if that works for you. But I actually also think about protecting your energy.
07:35So saying, like, I want something isn't going to be enough unless you are intentional about making
07:39it a priority in your time, right, in your schedule. So how do you protect that energy for yourself?
07:45And maybe the last thing I'll add in here is that to bridge some of these spaces, right, of committing
07:51your energy to sex and feeling connected to your partner, I think that we actually have to make it an
07:56ongoing practice of learning to allow ourselves to feel pleasure. Because we go from a busy and
08:03stressful life, and then just imagine that we're going to, like, all of a sudden, like,
08:07transform into, like, our red light district, like, best sexual selves.
08:11Right, that's a really big ask, right? You could drape yourself in all Fenty everything,
08:17but, like, if you've been stressed all day, like, going from, like, completely off to, like,
08:21100% on, right, it's a really big expectation. And so what do you do throughout your day,
08:28throughout your week, right, to let yourself feel good, right? And if we can be more intentional
08:33about that, it helps bridge, right, some of that journey from all of the things that we're doing
08:39in our lives to really being able to be present and just savoring these moments.
08:44Oh, yeah, I'm just getting that visual. It's like, we don't just turn into Rihanna in the
08:48bedroom overnight as much as we would want. It's just magical, you know? Right, I wish there
08:55wasn't a magic button, guys, but it isn't. But no, that is so real. Thank you. Cody and Tommy,
09:00Netra, would either of you like to add into this intimacy? I have to jump on the scheduling thing,
09:06because we're right, we get mixed responses. Obviously, we have interviewed a lot of couples,
09:11couples. And so we've heard it many times. We've heard it from the 20 years married,
09:16and we've heard it from the five, well, maybe they were 10, 10 years married. And it's hilarious
09:23to watch the reactions on our social, because people just act like it's just the most horrible
09:27thing in the world. Right. Typically from single people. Typically from single people.
09:32Okay. And so frankly, I just want to say, you're right, there probably will be a mixed reaction,
09:38but just let it go, y'all. And go with it, like, understand the scheduling thing.
09:42Somebody else's sex life is somebody else's business.
09:44That part, too. That part.
09:46But the sexual thing doesn't have to be like a formal, you know, like thing that you dread.
09:51It's something that it's meant to just make sure you're checking the box, and then you get your
09:57mind and your body ready. So.
10:00Oh, yeah. It's a toughy subject, but it's real. And like, couples get it. And if you aren't in a
10:06relationship, you may not understand, but there is work that needs to be done there.
10:09Nedra, would you like to add anything before we close?
10:12Yes. So I think secret scheduling is really helpful. And what I mean by that is, you,
10:18whoever wants to have sex, setting an intention, not telling your partner and saying,
10:24tonight at eight o'clock, we're going to have sex, but maybe keeping it to yourself and getting
10:30your energy together throughout the day to bring out your inner Rihanna Fenty type energy. But I think
10:40it's best when you don't share it because that does maybe take something away. So just saying to
10:45yourself, like, I have an intention today of having sex. And when you have kids, for many couples,
10:53you have to reevaluate the sex schedule that you used to have. So it may have made sense to have
11:01sex at one o'clock in the morning, but now everyone's asleep, right? Including you. And so
11:06it may need to be 8 a.m. It might need to be at 7 p.m. So just thinking about what that shift could look
11:14like in light of having other responsibilities and children.
11:18I love a secret schedule. I'm here for all of that. Thank you all so, so much again,
11:25for just holding this space, for always holding the space for conversation around love and healthy
11:29relationships. We appreciate you all. And we really have to do this again, because there's
11:33literally like 20,000 other things we could go into. So thank you all so much for your time and
11:38your expertise. I hope everybody was taking notes. Bye. Thank you.
11:42Bye.
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