- 6 weeks ago
How long should you wait before having sex? And do married people really have better sex than singles? Leave your comments below! We're talking all about it in this special episode of Essence Live's Kitchen Table Talk series.
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00:00Today on Essence Live, our kitchen table talk series is back and we are talking all about sex.
00:06What's your freak number? What are your sexual deal breakers?
00:08And our one night stand is still a little taboo.
00:11We've got special guests, some drinks, and some tasty bites from our chef.
00:14Get ready because this is a conversation you do not want to miss.
00:17Essence Live starts now.
00:19Welcome to Essence Live's kitchen table talk series.
00:31I'm your host, Dana Blair, and of course, we always want to hear from you.
00:34Sound off on today's topics on social media, but keep it cute, keep it clean.
00:38Use the hashtag Essence Live, or you can email us at essenceslive at essence.com.
00:43In the kitchen with me today are some very special guests.
00:45Please welcome journalist and marketing consultant, Mr. Meck.
00:48How are you?
00:49Hey, what's happening?
00:50Co-host of The Breakfast Club, Ms. Angela Yee.
00:52Hey.
00:53Host of Sports Illustrated, SI Wire, Toni Anderson.
00:57And author and founder of A Bell & BK and See Some World, Ms. Demetria Lucas-Doyley.
01:01Hello, everyone.
01:02Hello, hello, hello.
01:04Welcome.
01:04We also have Chef Julio behind me.
01:07Am, am.
01:08Cooking up some tasty treats and a special sweet potato vodka from the Empower Cocktail Company.
01:13So you know it's about to get real interesting up in here.
01:15All right, we're going to jump right into it.
01:17We're talking about sex.
01:18There's no way to ease into this.
01:20What makes...
01:21You like what I did there?
01:25What makes sex good?
01:28And just...
01:29Oh, all right, Demetria.
01:30Shoot from the hip.
01:32Talk more about it.
01:33Let's go.
01:33No, I mean, I thought that was the answer everyone would give.
01:36I mean, everyone needs a good warm-up and, you know, using your tongue where necessary is good for that.
01:42Do both parties have to reciprocate?
01:43I think if you should, if you're going to give, you should receive, yes.
01:46Okay, yes.
01:47All right.
01:47I'm going to say chemistry.
01:49I think chemistry, I know that's not a popular answer, but when you have a good chemistry with somebody, it's like a dance.
01:55A naked dance with two people.
01:58A naked dance.
01:59A naked dance.
01:59It's like a naked dance.
02:00Okay.
02:01Or more, depending on how you get down.
02:03Oh.
02:03Right.
02:03I think mutual attraction is super important.
02:05And great conversation, you know, is always important to me.
02:09I agree.
02:10Matt?
02:10I say pay attention.
02:11I think definitely watching what your partner is doing, watching what they're saying, trying to listen for signals, like really communicate without speaking.
02:21Right.
02:22And what they don't like, because if you tell you don't do this, don't come in there.
02:25A lot of people just want to do what the hell they want to do.
02:27She may not even tell you, but if she's breathing hard at one thing you're doing, and then she kind of sighs at another thing you're doing, go back to the first thing you were doing.
02:34But you have to be able to talk, too, because sometimes we don't want to say, oh, I don't like that, or can you do this?
02:40We have to be able to have fun with it, because I think sex should be fun, also.
02:44It shouldn't always be like, oh, I don't want to say this, I don't want to seem weird.
02:47You should always be able to say, okay, that didn't really work for me, but you know what?
02:52I love when you do this, and just being positive about it.
02:54Do you think that's like a maturity and an experience thing?
02:56Because I feel like when I was in college, there were some things I wouldn't have really said.
02:58Now I'm like, look, look here.
03:00It's all how you say it.
03:01It's all how you say it, though.
03:02A closed mouth don't get fed.
03:04Literally.
03:05Oh, Lord.
03:05I think Angela said it the right way.
03:07You've got to be like, oh, I really loved it when you did X, Y, Z.
03:10You want to stroke the ego.
03:11You don't want somebody to be like, well, I didn't like this, and I didn't like that, and I didn't like this.
03:16But what about when you do stuff that you need to know some type of confirmation?
03:19Like, I won't just put my thumb in your butt.
03:22Is that something you should ask?
03:23No.
03:23Yes.
03:24No, no, no.
03:24I don't think you should ask that.
03:26That's weird, because if you say to somebody, can I put my thumb in your butt, you don't just say, yeah.
03:30You just try to do it.
03:31If they seem cool with it, then you keep going.
03:33That's the level of communication that I'm talking about.
03:37If she's squirming away from your thumb, retract, bro.
03:40Get up out of here.
03:41I feel like you have to ask for everything, but I feel like if a thumb in the butt is kind of like off-center, you might need to ask.
03:48But that's a weird question to ask.
03:50I think sometimes you cheat yourself if you ask a question, because people, when you ask, think too hard about it.
03:56If you just try to do it, and they're like, oh, I never thought I would like this.
04:00If you ask me, I'm going to be like, no, I don't think I would like that.
04:02But if you just try to do it, and I'm like, oh, this isn't so bad.
04:05No, you've got to ask me about that.
04:06No, that's a, no, I mean.
04:08So can you be at dinner, like, if you're like, so, finger in your ass, can you do that?
04:13I mean, you're talking about someone that's putting their penis inside you.
04:15You should be able to have a conversation with them about things that you don't like.
04:18Well, you figure if the penis is going in the thumb, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
04:21Is the penis going in there?
04:22Depending on where you like it.
04:24You like anal.
04:25And that way, I like whatever she likes.
04:27I'm down for whatever she's happy with, whatever she's comfortable with.
04:31I'm trying to, I like to be good giving and game.
04:34So if she's into it, I'm down to give it a shot.
04:36If I've never done it before, I'm down to ask some questions.
04:38I don't like asking questions over dinner.
04:40I don't want to discuss anal while I'm having a steak.
04:42It's fun to have a sexy conversation.
04:44I agree.
04:45But not like.
04:46I'd rather do it in the moment.
04:47I'd rather it, I'd rather it come across in the moment.
04:50So if, can you take criticism in the moment, fellas?
04:53Can I take criticism?
04:54Yeah, guide me.
04:56Guide me.
04:56I'm grown.
04:57Yeah, I'm grown.
04:58I feel like that's a lot of the things y'all say, but in the moment.
05:00Okay.
05:00You can be guided.
05:01I'm going to slip on what you just said.
05:02I'm willing to be guided.
05:03Like, if you tell me, I like it this way, I don't like it that way, I am willing to adjust
05:07because if you don't get off, I'm not happy.
05:09Right.
05:10Certain things you can't say, you can't be like, I just wish your penis was bigger.
05:12There's nothing you can do about that.
05:14There's nothing you can do about that.
05:16Hallmark don't have a car.
05:17Well.
05:18They ain't got a different thing.
05:18They don't have a car for that.
05:19Can I get some more?
05:20No.
05:21If you have the things that we've already described, if you have chemistry, if you have communication,
05:27you have a partner who's really connecting with you, it doesn't take that many words.
05:31You don't have to say, I don't like it when you do this.
05:34A simple, mm-mm, and that's all I need to hear.
05:37Okay, no man.
05:38Yeah, we don't need a lot of, don't need a whole lot of community.
05:42I don't need a thesaurus.
05:43I don't need you giving me a dissertation.
05:44Just tell me a couple.
05:45I don't feel like y'all are doing this.
05:47The right partner can be very in tune, and that's with the chemistry in conversation.
05:50Right, right.
05:51But when you're with a new partner who doesn't really know exactly what's going on, you kind
05:55of have to be more verbal.
05:56Emotions.
05:57Is there a difference between making love or just screwing somebody, just hooking up with
06:00somebody?
06:00Absolutely.
06:01Oh, is that completely?
06:01Does it feel different?
06:02Is there a preference?
06:03Yes, yes, yes, yes.
06:05It feels different.
06:06There is a preference.
06:07Depending on where you are in your life, I think, depends on what kind of sex you're
06:11in the mood for.
06:11If you just got out of a relationship, you're not looking to feel nothing deep with nobody.
06:15You're just looking to go deep with somebody.
06:17So let's just get it popping and call it a day.
06:19If you're in a place where you're open and receptive to that kind of thing, companionship
06:24from somebody, I really like this person, she really likes me, making love is a different
06:27thing.
06:28It takes longer.
06:30You're not rushing through it.
06:31Yeah, you're more interested.
06:33You can.
06:33Wow, Jesus.
06:35Sad to Jesus.
06:36No, but I think there's absolutely a difference between one and the others.
06:42Difference between karaoke and...
06:44Depends.
06:45Right now, I'd prefer to make love than have sex.
06:47Oh, okay.
06:48But, but that doesn't mean that the person I'm in love with, I'm not trying to, you
06:53know, just...
06:54Every now and then, just get it in.
06:55Exactly.
06:56A brother need a hot pocket sometime.
06:58You just gotta...
06:58Did he say a hot pocket?
06:59He did say a hot pocket.
07:00Wow.
07:00Because not everything can be a three-course meal.
07:02I gotta go to work.
07:03You gotta get up.
07:04Hey, let's get this quick.
07:05Ladies, what are your thoughts on this?
07:06Love making versus jumping off or screwing or however.
07:09I mean, I think, first of all, I love being in a monogamous relationship.
07:13That's always fun to me because I feel more secure like that.
07:15But I think I always prefer making love.
07:18And even if you're doing it quick, it's still making love.
07:21But my favorite thing to do is to have sex and lay around and cuddle.
07:24I love cuddling after.
07:25So just lay in and in is what you're saying.
07:27Yeah, I do.
07:27Like, just leave it in.
07:28No.
07:28No.
07:30That's what you heard?
07:32It was heavily implied.
07:34It was heavily implied.
07:35That is not what she said.
07:36Demetria safely from himself.
07:38I said cuddle.
07:38I mean, it depends on the moment or the day.
07:41Like, you know, I'm married.
07:43Like, you know, we just want to experiment and do all the things we said we'd never do
07:45until we got married.
07:46So, got it.
07:47Oh, gosh.
07:48That was that.
07:48Like, what is that?
07:49Well done.
07:49Oh, wow.
07:50Oh, wow.
07:51Leaves and moves bangs.
07:53Moves bangs and leaves.
07:54Can you give us an example?
07:56No.
07:57I got to ask.
07:58I mean, I got to lead a panel.
07:59I appreciate it.
08:00But we're going to hold this conversation right here for just one second.
08:02Tony, you can sip some of your juice.
08:04Chef Julio.
08:04Juice.
08:05Yes, ma'am.
08:05My love muffin.
08:06What do you have, um, what are you preparing for us over there?
08:09I got some lovely tofu kebabs that are coming out right now.
08:12Some tofu kebabs.
08:13Ooh.
08:14Healthy.
08:14Okay.
08:15Good.
08:15This smells good back there.
08:17All right.
08:17So, tofu kebabs.
08:18Seared tofu kebabs with some onions and peppers, cherry tomatoes.
08:21You said onions, peppers, and cherry.
08:23Now, how did you prepare the tofu?
08:24I seared it on a low heat, a little bit of salt, pepper, fresh garlic, parsley, and then
08:30I seared off the peppers, onions, and the cherry tomatoes off at the same time.
08:36Now, is this something that I can make easily at home if I find me a boo that doesn't eat
08:39meat and I'm trying to trap him?
08:40Absolutely.
08:41It only takes about 10 minutes.
08:43Oh, okay.
08:44Awesome.
08:44Thank you so much, Chef Julio.
08:45Everyone, you can dig in, have some, sip, sip.
08:49Thank you so much.
08:50We're going to have one more dish a little bit later on, right?
08:52Absolutely.
08:52Okay.
08:53Don't go anywhere.
08:54We have more Kitchen Table Talk, Essence Live, Sex Edition, coming up next.
09:00Hey, it's comedian Roy Wood Jr.
09:01I'm here to help you get fly for this year's Essence Festival with the help of Ellery, and
09:07she does these wonderful, informative, detailed makeup tutorials, and she's been kind enough
09:14to let me do a little voiceover work to walk y'all through exactly what's happening on the
09:20screen.
09:20So, first thing you want to do, pin your hair back.
09:23Your kid's going to come in.
09:24You're going to check her homework.
09:25All right.
09:25The homework look good.
09:26Going back and study.
09:28Yeah.
09:28Blah, blah, blah.
09:29You got to bond with your kids.
09:30The thing about it is, so you just nod and make your kid think you're listening to them.
09:34Then you give her a little kiss.
09:35Now, we start with the eyebrows.
09:37Eyebrow is very important.
09:38Now, you got to do both eyebrows because you don't want to look like you're thinking about
09:41something.
09:42Okay.
09:42So, that's like a wedge.
09:44Oh, that's like an edge up.
09:46Hell, I need one of those.
09:47Man, I'd have a tight edge up if I had an edge up pencil.
09:51Where do you get an edge up?
09:52Is that what it's called?
09:53I don't even know if that's what it's called.
09:56Okay.
09:56So, now we got, okay.
09:57What's going on here?
09:59What in the world?
10:01And then you're going to tickle your nose.
10:02You tickle your nose on both sides.
10:03You tickle your nose bridge.
10:05Then you tick it down by the nostrils.
10:06And then you pat.
10:08Now, that thing is smoothing some stuff out.
10:10Yeah, that's contouring.
10:11See, I knew that word.
10:13What?
10:14It's all, she's doing a lot of work.
10:15This is good.
10:16Like, use your dominant hand to put makeup on.
10:20Because otherwise, one half of your face is liable to look sad.
10:24And everybody going to be asking you what's wrong and what's going on in your life.
10:28Oh, where did the towel come from?
10:29Okay, so now we got to wrap the towel to spray the face to get the stuff from being on the hair.
10:35You got to be very gentle.
10:37You got to be very gentle.
10:39It's like one centimeter off and you can make yourself blind.
10:43You be blind or beautiful.
10:44You just got to have a steady hand.
10:46So, now we putting on the eyelashes.
10:49So, that's, that's, that's, now we getting into the home stretch here.
10:52See, the skin is smooth.
10:55You got the eyeliner going.
10:57You got them eyelashes popping.
10:59Yeah, and you know, you got swag.
11:00Look at it.
11:01Swag, swag, swag.
11:02Okay, it's time for lips now.
11:03That's the most important part.
11:05The lips are important.
11:06You watch a video like this and it really makes you appreciate what a woman go through to look gorgeous.
11:13This is a lot of work.
11:17This video, man, all I do is wash my face and boom, you done.
11:21That's it.
11:23Now, if you want the real deal from Ellery herself, check out the Beauty Carnival at the Beauty and Style Expo.
11:29You can register by downloading the Essence Fest app now.
11:35You're watching Essence Live.
11:37I'm your host, Dana Blair.
11:38And for today's Kitchen Table Talk, we're discussing good old-fashioned sex.
11:42What makes it good, what makes it bad, and how much do you want it?
11:45Joining me at the table are journalist and marketing consultant, Mr. Mech.
11:48Hey, hey.
11:49The Breakfast Club's, Angela Yee.
11:51Hi.
11:51SI Wires, Tony Anderson.
11:53And journalist and author, Demetria L. Doyle.
11:56And Chef Julio is also here cooking up some goodies for us.
11:59We have drinks provided by the Empower Cocktail Company, and they are delicious, honey.
12:03So we're going to keep sipping, keep chatting.
12:05We're going to jump right back into more talk about sex.
12:08Now, once you're having sex with, like, a partner that, on a pretty consistent basis,
12:13whether it's a boyfriend, a consistent side boo, a spouse, whatever the case may be,
12:18how do you keep things spicy?
12:20Threesome.
12:22Oh.
12:23Okay.
12:24Threesome.
12:24Okay.
12:25Threesome.
12:25Well, that kind of just, he just jumped over the consistent partner and brought it up.
12:29No, no, no.
12:30You have to have a consistent partner in order to have the proper threesome in a relationship.
12:33What if she's not into threesomes?
12:35Well, then you figure something else out.
12:36Right.
12:37It could be a threesome with anything else.
12:38You can, it doesn't have to be.
12:39That's a boy.
12:41The object of it.
12:42When you're having a proper threesome in a relationship,
12:45the third partner is not considered an equal partner.
12:48In other words, if it's a woman, I'm speaking from my own perspective,
12:51she can't be, you can't be as concerned about her as you are with your girlfriend.
12:54It can't be, did you get off?
12:56Are you having, are you okay?
12:58She's just there.
12:58She's there for your enjoyment.
13:00She's the same thing as that sex toy, that, that, those velvet handcuffs, the rope,
13:04all that good stuff.
13:05She's the same thing as that.
13:06Well, I've never done that, but from what I hear,
13:09because I know plenty of people who have,
13:11when you have a threesome, the rule is the woman gets to make the rules.
13:14So she gets to pick the woman.
13:15She gets to tell you what you can and can't do.
13:17Sometimes they'll say no penetration or you can't do this, you can't do that.
13:21So whatever the woman wants to do, if you're a man,
13:23you have to be okay with that and let her feel comfortable.
13:26Yeah.
13:27It's true.
13:28I mean, no, that's, that's.
13:29I've heard, I've heard people say that threesomes go very wrong as well.
13:33That's because, that's because someone in this situation didn't take all parties into account.
13:38One, normally it's a guy and the guy has tried to have two girlfriends.
13:42You're not having two girlfriends.
13:43And that's why the woman should, if she allows you to do that, she should make the rules.
13:47Now, is two guys and a woman a threesome?
13:49It's the exact same thing.
13:51But it depends on your partner.
13:53Would you let your girlfriend ask, say, okay, we can have a threesome, but it has to be a dude?
13:58I'll tell you exactly why that won't work for me specifically.
14:03I'm not in a man.
14:04So what else can you do to keep it spicy then other than a threesome?
14:07We mentioned toys.
14:08Role play.
14:09Role play.
14:10Movies are good.
14:11Make a film.
14:11Oh.
14:12Not that.
14:13Make a film.
14:14I don't know.
14:15Films come back.
14:16People get angry and films come out.
14:19See, all right, that's not just for the person you just met.
14:20Aren't you married?
14:21But you don't trust your husband?
14:22You don't trust your husband?
14:23I trust my husband, but not me.
14:25She had her phone.
14:25Then put it on your phone.
14:29It's the truth.
14:29Have we learned nothing from the iCloud?
14:31Exactly.
14:32You delete it immediately after.
14:34Oh, you know what's really good?
14:35If you have a camera and you set it up and connect it to the TV so you can watch yourself.
14:39Yeah, and you don't record it, actually.
14:40So you see it.
14:41Damn, you just found a loophole.
14:42Yeah.
14:43Problems all.
14:43There you go.
14:44You keep it spicy.
14:44Yeah, you can do that.
14:45I mean, I like the little role play.
14:47I like the soldier coming home from the war.
14:49Oh, okay.
14:50Absolutely.
14:51It's very passionate.
14:51Are they costumes?
14:53What about public sex then?
14:54Like airports and things like that to make it, keep it.
14:57I'm all for it.
14:57I know that's exciting for some people.
15:01I wouldn't do that in an airport.
15:02I'm a germaphobe also.
15:04The beach, maybe.
15:05There's sand.
15:06There's a lot of sand.
15:07There's a towel.
15:07And also a nice trip, like a vacation.
15:09There's nothing like vacation sex when you go away and have sex in a different environment.
15:13Is the sex better in a relationship or when you're single?
15:17It depends on the person.
15:18Yeah, it depends on the person.
15:19I'm going to say relationship because you know what they like.
15:21They know what you like.
15:21So I think it's apples and oranges to a degree.
15:25But if I had to pick one, I would pick in a relationship.
15:27I would in a good relationship.
15:29Because sometimes people are in a terrible relationship and they hate having sex.
15:33I know people who have been in relationships and haven't had sex in months.
15:36Some people even over a year.
15:38So, you know, that's a difficult situation.
15:40You're arguing all the time.
15:41There's too much emotion.
15:43And that makes it difficult.
15:44So it just depends on what you're looking for at that time.
15:46I think if you're in a great relationship, then the sex can be great.
15:50Me, personally, there's nothing better than a vagina I can trust.
15:52Now, if I can trust it, we're going to have the best sex ever.
15:55If I can trust it, I know where it's been.
15:57I watched it when it walked in.
15:58I'm going to see it when it leaves out.
15:59I'm going to get your boom and trust it.
16:01Then I'm going to shoot you.
16:03Like, I'm all here for it.
16:04That's straight up.
16:04Now, Demetra, I have to ask you, because you're the married person here at the table.
16:07Does it change?
16:09It's the same.
16:09It doesn't change.
16:10So, people don't know this until you get married.
16:12You don't feel married for, like, the first year and change.
16:14Like, you know you're married, you see the ring, blah, blah, blah.
16:16But it's not like you walk around thinking, like, oh, I'm married, I'm married.
16:18It's just, like, Monday happened and then Tuesday happened.
16:21Like, it's, yeah.
16:22Do you feel like people make as much effort, too?
16:24Because I think, I've been told this.
16:25When people move in together, sometimes we don't make the same effort that we used to make.
16:29It's not like.
16:29You get comfortable.
16:30Yeah, you get comfortable.
16:31You're wearing your bonnet to bed.
16:33Oh, you know, and you're not.
16:35Your granny drawers up to here.
16:36Well, he was a cousin, though.
16:37My mother was very clear on that.
16:39Like, when we first started dating, she was like, don't do anything that you don't want to keep doing.
16:42So, he saw the bonnet, he saw the head wrap, he saw, like, the holy sweat.
16:46So, this wasn't anything strange when we, like, finally got married and moved in together.
16:50So, he knew what he was getting.
16:51It's more spontaneous, I think, though.
16:53When you get married?
16:54Like, I tried to make more, I think, like, effort.
16:56Like, when he was coming over, like, I wanted to cook and I wanted to do candles.
17:00And then now you're just, like, you know, watching the Amazon stick and next thing you know, like, you know.
17:05Let's go to bed.
17:07Not even to bed.
17:08On the couch.
17:10There you go.
17:11All right.
17:11Don't make it to the bed.
17:12Well, keep sipping, keep noshing.
17:14We're going to keep the conversation going after a quick break.
17:16Plus, I still want to hear from you.
17:17If you're watching us on Facebook Live, post your comments or just weigh in using the hashtag Essence Live.
17:22We'll be right back with more of Essence Live's kitchen table talk series all about sex.
17:27To me, being woke means that you recognize that the world is not a simple place, that everything is not all equal,
17:35that justice has not happened yet for everyone, and that there is a lot of work to be done.
17:40Your eyes are wide open and you're paying attention.
17:46And you're reaching out and speaking to people along the way and bringing them on to increase the amount of wokeness in your community.
17:55Being woke is like eyes wide open, everything is clear.
17:58You can always see things that other people can just ignore or they just don't know.
18:03Woke for me is just being outraged all the time and being able to stay human and feel outraged about injustice that is happening around me.
18:10It's being uncomfortable all the time and making sure that I'm speaking on behalf of those that can't speak up for themselves.
18:17Some people know what's happening around them, but they are not doing anything.
18:20They're just like, well, it is what it is.
18:22That's not what woke means, that you actually take it upon yourself to be like, this is something I need to fix.
18:27I need to be part of the solution.
18:29And I mean, the thing is to do that, knowing that you can fix it, whatever your level or platform is,
18:33because there's always an opportunity for you to do just a little something to support them.
18:37I also think about what words actually mean and how we give them power, right?
18:42Are you just going to wear it across your chest but actually not live it out?
18:45Or are you going to give this word a meaning with your actions, with your daily commitment?
18:49And I think in order for us to really progress, we're going to need people to really step out of their comfort zones
18:55and have those uncomfortable conversations and not just live in a space where they get to preach to people
19:00who already understand what it means.
19:03Couldn't agree more.
19:04I think to be woke means that you are aware of the issues and the world around you.
19:10I believe it means that you are engaged in the work of justice.
19:14This is a time where we just, we can't afford to be asleep.
19:18You have to be all the way alert.
19:20Without action on the knowledge that we have now, our world will never change.
19:24And we need that more than ever.
19:32You're watching Essence Live, and today's Kitchen Table Talk is dedicated to sex, making love,
19:36letting that freak flag fly, all of that.
19:39I'm your host, Dana Blair, and I'm joined by Mr. Mac.
19:42Salute.
19:42Angela Yee, Tony Anderson, and Demetria Lucas-Doyling.
19:47And shout out to Chef Julio back there in the kitchen.
19:49Al, you getting it in?
19:51Okay.
19:52So now let's talk a little bit more about new sex.
19:55Specifically, how long should you wait to have sex after meeting someone new?
19:59Ladies, I'm going to start with you because these guys just be talking.
20:01I mean, I think you can't really put a number on it.
20:04It depends on the situation.
20:06You know, I know people who have had sex with somebody the first time that they went out
20:10and they ended up being in a relationship, getting married and all of that.
20:13I know people who waited and it doesn't work out.
20:15I think it just depends on the vibe and if it feels right.
20:17You could meet somebody, spend the whole entire day with them on a vacation and then end up
20:22having sex and spending the whole week with them and never talk to them again.
20:26Or you could end up having a relationship.
20:28You just never know.
20:29It depends on where that person is at.
20:31So you can do what makes you feel good in here.
20:34I think so.
20:34And not worry about being judged about it.
20:36You know, you kind of do what you want and be safe about it.
20:38Exactly.
20:39What are your thoughts, Tametria?
20:40No, I mean, I think it depends on what you're looking for.
20:42We have this idea that women always want relationships and sometimes they just want penis.
20:47So if that's what you are interested in, then, you know, whether it's one night or, you know,
20:51one year or whatever, it doesn't really make a difference.
20:53But I think if you're trying to build a relationship with someone, it might be more in your favor
20:58to wait until there's an emotional connection involved.
21:00I mean, you just never know.
21:01I personally would rather we've had some conversations, had a couple of dates.
21:05I know you somewhat because sex is also about trust somewhat.
21:09So I want to feel like I at least know you a little bit.
21:12Yeah, but people have known people for years and you can't trust them.
21:15So I don't know.
21:16You know what I mean?
21:17Like, it's people in marriages that found out stuff about their partners.
21:20I think that we should stop the slut shaming.
21:22Women should be allowed to do the same thing that men do.
21:25And then...
21:26Well, they clearly do because the men are doing it for somebody.
21:28Exactly what I'm saying.
21:29At least that the women not be judged for it.
21:30That's it.
21:31Like, that's such a...
21:32They should most certainly not be judged.
21:34And then they should follow me on Twitter and Instagram.
21:36No, no.
21:37Do not follow Tony on Twitter and Instagram.
21:40You are out here advertising your people.
21:42Do not.
21:42Do not.
21:43I'm good at playing.
21:43I'm good at playing.
21:44Let's see if your numbers go up.
21:46Oh, some numbers are going to go up all right.
21:48They may not be on social.
21:49But all jokes aside, though, I do think that there is no...
21:53To your point, there is no real time limit.
21:55Do you guys look at a woman differently, though, if you have sex with her?
21:57Like, honestly, do you say, okay, I had sex with her the first night.
22:00I can't take this seriously.
22:00I can't call her back.
22:01No.
22:02Does she do this with everybody?
22:03Do you even think about that?
22:04Because I can't imagine it doesn't go...
22:05That is for guys with low self-esteem.
22:07Yeah.
22:08I hate hearing dudes say stuff like that.
22:10Say stuff like that.
22:10That's whack.
22:11She did it with me.
22:11She'll do it with anybody.
22:12I've never been...
22:13I've never understood that mentality in my life.
22:16First of all, I'm not anybody.
22:17Mm-hmm.
22:17I feel like if she does that with me, I'm the exception to the rules.
22:20I'm not going to say that this is her everyday behavior.
22:22And if you think that because she did it with you, she'll do it with anybody, well, what
22:25are you saying about yourself?
22:26Yeah.
22:26Yeah.
22:27You're everybody all of a sudden.
22:28Mm-hmm.
22:28Like, all of a sudden, you're no good.
22:30You're just...
22:30Completely across the board, and she could have did this with the next guy to the next...
22:35No.
22:35How about what if you were special?
22:37What if she saw something and she decided to do this with you specifically?
22:41Say something.
22:41Do you care about the number of partners that someone's had?
22:43Not the number of partners, but I do care about experience.
22:46I'm not here for any virgins.
22:47You must be this tall to ride the ride.
22:49I'm not here to, like, this is not class.
22:51If a girl says she's a virgin, it's over.
22:52Then we probably not going to have this kind of chemistry that I need to keep this thing
22:56going in the bedroom.
22:57Chemistry and experience, I don't think, are synonymous.
22:59No, they don't have to be, but again, I'm hedging my bets.
23:04I'd rather be safe than sorry.
23:05And quite frankly, I believe in the campfire rule, which is you leave it in as good a shape
23:09or better shape than you found it.
23:11And messing with me as a virgin, I'm not sure.
23:13That's going to happen.
23:13So you might want to get started someplace else, and I'll catch you tomorrow night when
23:16you're ready.
23:17Next, where he's putting it down.
23:18Demetria, what are your thoughts?
23:19I'm just talking.
23:20What are we talking about?
23:21Not about him leaving his campfire.
23:24I'm talking about experience.
23:26Do you care how many partners someone's had that you've been with?
23:29I mean, at this age, like, I'm in my mid-30s.
23:32Like, you had a past.
23:33You had college.
23:34You had all of your 20s.
23:35Like, you've been in relationships a while.
23:37Do you want to hear about it, though?
23:38Don't want to hear about it.
23:39Right, yeah.
23:39I don't want to keep hearing about it.
23:40I remember we was all in the room, and we all ran a train.
23:43No.
23:43It's not what you do, it's how you do it.
23:49You know what I'm saying?
23:49To me, the difference between a hoe and not is not how many people you're with, but how
23:53you carry yourself.
23:54Fact.
23:54If you had sex with a lot of people, you know what I mean?
23:57But if you had sex with a lot of people, but you carried yourself in a certain way,
24:00your business wasn't all out there.
24:01But if you got videos all on the internet with a whole bunch of different people, and
24:05everybody knows you.
24:06If you was just in two close quarters.
24:08If you was in two close quarters, if I'm the homie, and he's my homie, and this is my
24:11homie, and you know what he's my home.
24:12No, I think I have an issue with this, if you sleep with somebody's husband, or somebody's
24:16man, then that's the only thing.
24:17Other than that, if you want to put your videos out, and that's your thing, and you own it,
24:21go ahead.
24:22No, amongst...
24:22I don't, like, that's you.
24:24Do what you want to do.
24:24Amongst crew, if you, if, if it's, I'll tell you guide code.
24:27If it's me and my homeboys, and we all a crew, and you got with me,
24:31and you got with him, and you got, okay, we're going to talk about that.
24:34Well, y'all hoes, you guys.
24:35No, no, we just shared her.
24:36We just passed it.
24:37But if she came through and got that going, then, okay, we're going to talk about it.
24:42I don't know if that's considered slut-shaming or not, but we might need to know that, homie,
24:47you know, you kind of, okay, well, I was, and he kind of, so what are you trying to do here?
24:51She looking at y'all, like...
24:51Can we also point out how unattractive that is?
24:53Can you talk about it with women, but with guys as well?
24:56Because, like, if I, every time I go out, we're running into, like, one of your exes,
24:59or some chick you used to knock down, or...
25:01you know somebody who knows somebody, and they're like,
25:03oh, yeah, I liked it when he used to...
25:04I don't want to hear that about my man, either.
25:06So, like, guys got to be very, um, what's the word?
25:09Selective.
25:10Selective.
25:10Yeah, but that's not going to happen.
25:11If Idris Elba was in here, you'd probably be like,
25:13oh, he looked like he'd been with a whole lot of women.
25:15But if you seen attractive women, you'd probably like,
25:17oh, she's probably only been with the thoroughest dudes ever.
25:19I don't even think about that.
25:20I don't even think about that either.
25:21Like, I look at a man, and every time we go out, you're right.
25:23Demetria said, if I'm always beautiful.
25:24You've been with every girl everywhere we went, that's not attractive to me.
25:31And especially if I feel like you have no standards, then I'm like, okay.
25:34Well, that's different.
25:34If you mess with a whole bunch of...
25:36Yeah, it's like a bunch of busted chicks in your background.
25:39And they always say they're hot, and I'm up, like...
25:41If you mess with a whole bunch of chicks and for the love of Ray J,
25:44then no, it's probably not a good look.
25:45But I'm just saying, if you look at the thorough dudes,
25:48the Idris Elba's, the Trey Sones, whoever is the popular dudes,
25:51you're just going to have to know that they probably got a lot of...
25:53But regular dudes need to understand, you are not Idris Elba.
25:57You can't apply Idris Elba rules to your life.
26:00If y'all getting them top-notch fellas, I don't know, like...
26:03No, no, but the thing is, though, wait.
26:04But if y'all getting them top-notch fellas, they're going to come with a lot of bodies.
26:06But if we're on a date...
26:07They're not dead, they're people.
26:09They're women, they're people, they're living people.
26:11And Demetria is right, and also, too,
26:12a lot of times you guys think that y'all are just smashing
26:15just the hottest chick in the world, and she's cross-eyed,
26:17and she's not that cute.
26:18I'm just...
26:18Anyway, on that note...
26:21Let them know.
26:21Let them know.
26:23Now, I'm going to add that woman here.
26:24What the staff got for us?
26:25What the staff got for us?
26:27Watch your shoulder, my love.
26:29Okay.
26:29We have some tasty sliders here.
26:33Now, what can you tell me about these sliders?
26:35These are flank steak sliders.
26:37Flank steak, okay.
26:38With some arugula on the bottom and some spicy mayo to top it off with.
26:41Amazing.
26:42If you cook them medium well, not too well,
26:44because then it tastes like rubber.
26:46This also takes about 15 to 20 minutes to make.
26:48Not that much time at all.
26:50Wait, Chef Julio, before you disappear on me,
26:51now how do you know you've cooked it medium well
26:53and it doesn't taste like the bottom of my shoe?
26:55Well, when you're cooking it,
26:57what you want to do is look at the bottom of the pan
26:58to see the excess juice.
27:00If the excess juice is still a little bit red,
27:02then it's perfect to taste.
27:03Ooh, all right.
27:04All right, everybody.
27:05Enjoy.
27:05Dig on in.
27:07Don't go anywhere.
27:07We're going to dig into this plate.
27:09Keep the conversation going.
27:10More Essence Live coming up next.
27:15What's going on, everybody?
27:16It's Pooch Hall, and I'm in the steam room.
27:19Yeah.
27:20What's the last sexy thing you dreamed about?
27:24Strawberries and chocolate by the pool.
27:29Baby oil.
27:30What's the best compliment you've ever received from a woman?
27:35I like your butt.
27:41What's the sexiest part of a woman's body?
27:44I'm a boob guy because I don't have them.
27:47What's your favorite type of foreplay?
27:52I like my earlobes nibbled on.
27:56I do a little nibbling myself.
27:58I don't know.
27:59I like boobs.
28:00They have to be, you know, taken care of.
28:03What's the best song to make love to?
28:07Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.
28:09Let's make love tonight.
28:10What's something sexy you would whisper into a woman's ear?
28:21I love the way your skin feels.
28:23Where's the craziest place you've ever made love?
28:26Cemetery.
28:29I can't wait to do it on a plane.
28:30Lights on or lights off?
28:34Lights on.
28:36Sexy night in or fun night out?
28:39I'll do the fun night out because then when we're done, we're coming back and you're sexy night in.
28:44Welcome back to Essence Live's Kitchen Table Talk.
28:53I'm your host, Dana Blair.
28:54This has been such a good conversation today.
28:56Good food from our boy, Chef Julio.
28:59Good drink.
29:00Good people, some of y'all.
29:02We're talking about everything from SDX today from keeping it spicy in the bedroom to one night stands with my special guest,
29:07marketing consultant and journalist, Mr. Mac.
29:10The Breakfast Club's Angela Yee.
29:12Hey.
29:12S.I. Wires, Tony Anderson, and author and journalist, Demetria L. Doyle.
29:18Now, before we go, I have one last question for each and every one of you.
29:22I hope you're ready, and I want you to be honest.
29:24What's been your most embarrassing sexual moment?
29:26And whoever wants to jump in first can jump in first.
29:29Tony looks like he's not going to claim it.
29:31What?
29:32Smells.
29:33You smelled?
29:34You smelled?
29:34No, she did.
29:35Oh.
29:36And what did you do?
29:36What did you do?
29:37Pretend?
29:38I fell off the bed.
29:39What do you mean you fell off the bed?
29:41What?
29:41I jumped back.
29:42Like, it was like a hot can to get back, and it just exploded.
29:45It was a hot can to get back.
29:45And I stumbled off.
29:47I got caught in the blanket.
29:48I fell off the bed.
29:49I halfway dislocated my shoulder.
29:51Wow.
29:52Like, this all just happened.
29:53That smell was really hot.
29:53Did you or did you not have sex with her?
29:55No.
29:55No.
29:56Abandon ship.
29:57How did you get out of it, though?
29:58How did you get out?
29:59Mostly running.
30:00A lot of running.
30:00But what did you say to her before you?
30:02That's not a damn thing.
30:03Like, oh.
30:03You just left.
30:04Well, what I'm sure she heard was, oh, Jesus.
30:08And anything after that, I'm not sure.
30:10Like, it was a lot of hollering.
30:10You didn't want to let her know something might be wrong?
30:12But listen, you know damn well.
30:14I don't believe that you left that quickly.
30:16No.
30:16Oh.
30:17I believe you let her know that.
30:18But how did you get out of, like, the house?
30:19It went in.
30:20He dove into the situation.
30:21I don't know what fellas y'all be dealing with.
30:24I don't know what you insinuating, but I'm just saying.
30:26Yeah, I never had that issue.
30:28When it was time to abandon ship, a brother abandoned ship.
30:30I got the hell out of Dodge.
30:31That's all I'm saying.
30:32Angela, what's yours?
30:33Let me see.
30:34I'm trying to think.
30:35Uh-oh.
30:36That many, huh?
30:36Yeah.
30:37I mean, a lot of embarrassing things.
30:38Like, I farted during sex.
30:40That was embarrassing.
30:41That's a big deal.
30:42Yeah.
30:43I had a lot of pasta that night.
30:46And I ain't no problem.
30:48And then let me see what else have I done.
30:49Oh, there was one time that I was drunk and I had sex.
30:52And I couldn't remember if I took.
30:54I woke up the next day.
30:55I didn't know if I had taken my tampon out because I had my period.
30:58I didn't know what happened.
30:59So I ended up having to go to the doctor because I wasn't sure.
31:02What was going on?
31:03Yeah.
31:04She was like, oh, there's nothing in you.
31:05You must have taken it out.
31:05You're like.
31:06And I had to explain that.
31:07So that was a little embarrassing.
31:09But I can laugh about it.
31:10I don't even know if that's embarrassing.
31:11That is not ratchet.
31:13Don't you tampon shame me.
31:15Yeah, don't tampon shame her.
31:17Sorry, guys.
31:17Like my brother to the left, I had to abort a mission.
31:21Jeez.
31:21A young lady had a very nice, beautiful body.
31:25I thought she had an abortion.
31:26No.
31:26But like, what's embarrassing to you, though?
31:28Oh, I forgot a girl's name.
31:30Woo.
31:31In the middle of sex?
31:32Immediately after.
31:32You called it the wrong name?
31:33That's when you used that.
31:34What did you say?
31:35I didn't know what to say.
31:36Honey?
31:36She was just, you know, say my name.
31:38And I was just like, oh.
31:39Oh.
31:40Oh.
31:41Wow.
31:42And we're done.
31:43I see Diddy, J-Lo, bang, bang.
31:46And kept it booing.
31:47Were you in the club?
31:48I was in the club.
31:50Her club.
31:50Not the club club.
31:51Oh, I was part of the first meal club.
31:53Oh, I was, okay.
31:55Figuratively speaking, I was in the club.
31:56You showed up the club just so you know that means you didn't use any extra easy people.
31:58Oh, then I used the grown there.
32:00I shot on the back then.
32:01The condom came off and got lost and you had to dig it out?
32:04Yeah.
32:04I've been there.
32:05Yeah, but it was.
32:06We grown.
32:07It was like our first time.
32:08Because you got to like take a flashlight over your legs.
32:10So, no, it's like I'm like, you know, legs and he's down there trying to, yeah.
32:15Has anyone ever had anybody walk in on them?
32:17And if so, who?
32:18Oh, my roommate in college.
32:20It was good too.
32:21Like, add it, add it.
32:23She, we were fighting because, you know, roommates, pissy, whatever.
32:25Right, right.
32:26But she opened the door and just came in and like went to her side and got whatever off
32:30the bed and we just kept going.
32:32What if it had been like, girl, come in here and jump in.
32:35Tag team.
32:36No, too much, too much, too much.
32:38I caught my roommate spanking it to me one time.
32:41To you?
32:41To you?
32:42That's what made to me and the young lady.
32:43Whoa.
32:43Listen.
32:44Oh, yeah, clarify, clarify.
32:46Don't tell me your first story.
32:48We was having a second.
32:49But it wasn't embarrassing for me.
32:50I was going to work.
32:51And look, he was turned over and I just saw the cover, right?
32:54And I was looking and I just seen the sheet going on.
32:57I don't know anybody, but I just seen the sheet going up.
32:59I said, wait a second.
33:00And then I figured out what was going on.
33:02At first, I was confused.
33:03I thought he was going to embarrass the young lady.
33:05She didn't notice it.
33:06I noticed it.
33:07I kept going, pretending it didn't happen.
33:08But you're like, I got to show out for my man so he can finish.
33:12You didn't put a little backbone in it.
33:13I always put my leg up.
33:17I don't need any extra motivation.
33:21Oh, my God.
33:22You're still doing the bogle.
33:23Oh, my God.
33:25I always pepper seed.
33:26That was a thunder clap.
33:27Oh, my God.
33:28On the thunder clap note, I'm going to thank each and every one of you, Mac, Angela, Tony,
33:33even you, Tony, and Demetria for stopping by and for being here.
33:37And thank you to all of us, all of you out there, excuse me, who joined us live, streaming,
33:41Essence.com and on Facebook Live.
33:43I also want to thank the Empower Cocktail Company for providing today's tasty, sweet potato
33:46vodka burr, all of us, and, of course, Chef Julio.
33:49You slayed it.
33:50These sliders, the tofu, everything is absolutely delicious.
33:53I'm your host, Dana Blair, and I'll see you next week.
33:56You moguls and pepper seeds.
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