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On this special edition of Essence Live's Kitchen Table Talk, we have a real discussion about marriage with DJ Envy and his wife Gia Casey, Quincy Harris of FOX's "The Q" and Nana Eyeson-Akiwowo..
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00:00Welcome to Essence Live. I'm your host, Makon Jovu, and on today's Kitchen Table Talk,
00:12it is dedicated to real talk about marriage. From dealing with joint finances, to sex,
00:18how much are you really having? To the rules around pillow talk and in-laws,
00:22nothing is off limits. So if you're married, engaged, or even single, we want you to join
00:28in on this conversation. Make sure to leave your comments using hashtag Essence Live,
00:32or you can email us at essencelive at essence.com. All right, let's meet our guests, shall we?
00:39First off, we have co-host of The Breakfast Club, the morning show DJ Embiid,
00:45alongside his lovely wife, Gia Casey, who is also the co-host for their podcast, The Casey Crew.
00:52Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Founder and president of Africa Health Now,
00:56Nana Aisin Akiwowo. Yeah, good, good. Good, good, good, good. All right. And the host of Q,
01:04The Q, which you can watch on Fox Philadelphia weekdays at noon, Quincy Harris. Yes.
01:10All right. Woo. Yes. I love the boat. Okay. Just checking how we want to do it. Plus,
01:17we also have Chef Anthony B. in the kitchen back there. He's preparing some delicious appetizers
01:21for us. I can't wait to shout it out. I'm so hungry. That's what I came for. Right? Welcome
01:26to the show, everyone. Thank you so much. Now, I should note that all of today's panelists,
01:31including myself, are married with kids. Well, no, no, not me. I don't have kids yet.
01:35So, you know, this conversation is going to be lit. We're going to go all the way in.
01:39All right. Let's get started. Now, this year has been crazy for celebrity marriages. T.I. and
01:43Tiny are getting a divorce. Can you believe it? Jesse Williams and his wife are divorcing.
01:48And y'all, Lala and Carmelo Anthony are on the rocks. But even when you take out the celebrity
01:53factor, marriage is just tough. What do you guys think people get wrong about marriage?
01:59Going. Communication. Communication. Communication. Communication. I think that that is the biggest
02:06part of marriage. Once you have that nailed, then everything else kind of comes along a lot
02:13more easily. But when you mess up communication, then you're just setting yourself up with a
02:19lot of hurdles. Yeah. Right. Emby, what do you think? I mean, I agree. I think communication
02:22is the key when it comes to everything, whether it's something going on in a relationship, whether
02:26it's finances, whether it's sex, you know. I think women get a sex drive when they get a
02:32little older. Their sex drive increases. So men have to make sure that we can match, whether
02:37it's, you know, like this week it was our anniversary. Oh, 16 years. 16 years. Nice. 16 years.
02:44Congratulations. So, you know, we had to have a lot of sex this weekend. Oh. We didn't have to have it.
02:49That's a lot. We didn't have to have it. It just turned out that way. I'm already sipping.
02:54That's a lot of sex. That's a lot. Now that we know about their sex life, we know how they've
02:59kept it hot for 15 years. What do you guys, how do people get it wrong in their marriages?
03:03I think people think it's dating. Like, it's not dating. Like, once you stop being a boyfriend
03:10and girlfriend, it's not going to stay the same. Exactly. Like, this is, it becomes work. You have
03:14to really work at your, your marriage. It's not, you can't just like mail it in. There isn't a mail-in
03:19date like, oh, okay, I'm going to just take Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Every day,
03:24you got to check in. It is a job. It's a job. It is a job. You have to, you have to tend to love because
03:28sometimes there's kids involved. There's in-laws involved. It's, you know, it's not just about you.
03:33It's a job, but if you look at it as a job, then that sucks all of the fun out of it.
03:40It does, but you have to go into it with, I think you have to go into it with an understanding
03:44that this is not, to your point, it's not going to be like the way it was. The flowers
03:48may or may not keep coming, but if that was the impetus of why you marry the man, then you
03:54might be in it for the wrong reasons. If you're expecting the gifts that came when he, when
03:58he was courting you, that, that sometimes die because other priorities come into play.
04:03Things come, you know, things shift around.
04:05That's so interesting. And so it's kind of like, if you then get, oh, he don't check
04:08for me and ain't nobody calling me. And when I text him, he don't, you know, your husband
04:12got a job, right? I mean, like, let's be realistic about it.
04:15But you know, the thing about marriages, he should be.
04:17But we do, though. You know, the same things that we do when we date it is the same things
04:21that we do now, whether it is flowers, whether it's checking in, whether we still go on dates.
04:27Okay, was it all 16 years? Because I want to understand how.
04:30It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't all 16 years.
04:31Okay, all right. So what else? How about you learn?
04:33You know, because you start going through a part of your relationship where you take
04:38somebody for granted. Like, you don't.
04:40No, no, no. You don't take somebody. You took me for granted.
04:42It was one of those things where it's your wife. You're like, oh, she's there. I can
04:55do what I want to do. She'll be there. She'll be there.
04:56I don't have to compliment her. We don't have to go out. We don't have to go on dates.
04:59We don't have to do those things. We'll have sex tomorrow.
05:01And you realize, nah, it's not working. We're not happy.
05:05So we go back to that's what, what made us happy. Communication, us going on dates, us doing
05:10things. Me sticking her head out the window while we're having sex.
05:12Right. All right.
05:13Not sticking out her head, though.
05:14I don't know what you're talking about.
05:15I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about.
05:16I don't know what you're talking about.
05:17I don't know what you said, though.
05:18It's really interesting.
05:19We haven't done that, Emby.
05:20I'm sorry.
05:21I think it's really interesting that you said that things change after you get married.
05:23That it's not the same to, to Emby's point.
05:25Yeah, I think.
05:26Things fundamentally change for you and your wife once you got married.
05:29It's the same person.
05:30Over and over. She's wearing that headscarf.
05:32Again.
05:33You know what I'm talking about that damn headscarf.
05:34You're going to wear the brown headscarf again.
05:40This Tuesday again.
05:41You're going to keep wearing it over and over and over.
05:43Yes, because I want to keep my hair fresh.
05:45I think a lot of times you have to know going in that it's going to have its ebbs and flows.
05:51It's going to go up and down.
05:52It's like the stock market.
05:53It's not going to stay rosy and everything.
05:55It's going to be good.
05:56I think you have to really know that.
05:58I think people think this is like this fairytale and they look at TV and they see The Bachelor
06:03and people get married in like eight weeks and I love you and that's just going to be it.
06:07No, this is tough.
06:08It's the same moment.
06:09You're coming in with baggage from past relationships.
06:11You're coming in with baggage from your family.
06:13From your family.
06:14You're coming in from baggage from work.
06:16Stress, finances, all that.
06:18But let's talk about family though.
06:20I'm so glad that you brought it up.
06:21How much do you tell your family when you're going through stuff and you and your partner have issues?
06:25Do you tell them all the details?
06:26No.
06:27Nothing.
06:28You don't tell them anything?
06:29No.
06:30Unanimous.
06:31I think, one, I don't want anybody in our business.
06:34Two, because, you know, we could be mad at each other.
06:36And make up.
06:37Damn, they want to kill each other.
06:38But when we make up, it's my business.
06:40Yes.
06:41And then a week later, we're happy, holding hands, loving each other.
06:44So I don't want to put my family in that process of being in the middle of all that beefing.
06:48Should I talk to Gia or should I talk to Rashawn?
06:50Yeah.
06:51You know, it's the same thing with the kids.
06:52We kind of keep it away from all of us.
06:53What also happens is when you bring your mother, your sister, your aunt into your family beef.
06:59Oh, he just called me a this or he just did this.
07:02He just did that.
07:03Yeah.
07:04They get offended.
07:05They get offended and they get well into it and they create a bigger.
07:09It's almost like it becomes what started off as a little little issue.
07:12Exactly.
07:13Has now escalated into this whole family.
07:15Exactly.
07:16I see you nodding.
07:17Here's another thing.
07:18I'm married to Africans.
07:19We is not getting them involved.
07:20My wife.
07:21I'm not.
07:22I shouldn't say this.
07:23My wife.
07:24Oh, careful now.
07:25We don't get your trouble.
07:26No, we're on essence.
07:27Let's do it.
07:28Let's do it.
07:29Let's do it.
07:30My wife's mom, right?
07:31Uh oh.
07:32I'm not.
07:33I'm not her dad.
07:34They broke up.
07:35Don't bring that that baggage into my relationship.
07:38Early on in our relationship, it's like she would go tell her mom and her mom's like,
07:41oh, yeah, Quincy, just like your dad.
07:43No, I'm not.
07:44No, I'm not.
07:45Don't do that.
07:46And then people bring in other baggage from their experiences.
07:49I don't need to know what happened in your life because I'm not the same thing.
07:52I'm not the same person.
07:53So has that changed with your wife?
07:54Hell yeah.
07:55So this is something that you're still currently going through.
07:57No, no, no.
07:58See, I don't even talk to my mother-in-law.
07:59That's a whole other thing.
08:00Oh, wow.
08:01We keep it.
08:02We keep it.
08:03That's how you fix that problem.
08:04Stop talking.
08:05We're going to fix this problem.
08:06Put this whole thing down.
08:07Don't come over.
08:08Yeah.
08:09Is that the biggest sacrifice that you've made in your marriage?
08:11Not talking to your mother-in-law?
08:12No, I mean, like, when I say I talk to her, like, I see her, I'm like, hi.
08:16Hi.
08:17You know what I'm saying?
08:18Not even a yo.
08:19You give her a yo.
08:20High five.
08:21What's up?
08:22Because if I get too nice, then she starts getting crazy.
08:26And I've been burned too many times.
08:28So I stay away from her.
08:29And, you know, it's cool.
08:30It's made our relationship better, me and my wife.
08:32You don't even talk to your mother-in-law.
08:33Speaking of what she said.
08:34Come on, hey-ho.
08:35What's the biggest L that you've taken in your marriage?
08:37Or biggest sacrifice, rather.
08:38Let's not...
08:39I don't want to use L.
08:40The biggest sacrifice, I would say, would be the fact that I didn't chase my career
08:47when I graduated from college.
08:49What did you want to do?
08:50I have a communications degree, so I was going to go into maybe hosting or anchoring or something
08:57like that.
08:58That's always been the lane I wanted to take.
09:01But when we graduated, there was only about a year in between that time that we spent before
09:09we got married.
09:10So we got married right away.
09:11We had our first child that same year.
09:14Right away.
09:15And he wanted an at-home wife.
09:17Wow.
09:18And we butted heads constantly about it throughout the years because I always wanted to chase
09:25my career, and it's not really what he wanted.
09:28Right.
09:29And the reason was, is at the time I was DJing and I was starting to get successful, so money
09:34was starting to come in, and we didn't live in Queens.
09:36We lived in Jersey, which was far out.
09:39And for her to have a career, and for me to have a career, we would both have to work
09:42in Manhattan.
09:43Right.
09:44Which means a nanny would have to raise our child.
09:46And that was more important.
09:47I wanted, I've seen so many kids where the nanny raises the child, and the kid has no respect,
09:52and the kid has no this, and I wanted our children to have the mom there, a solid foundation,
09:59and we have five kids, and it worked out well.
10:02And look at how life works out.
10:04All right, so this one smells good.
10:06Five.
10:07We're going to come back to that.
10:08Chef, what you got cooking over there?
10:09It smells absolutely amazing.
10:12I'm so hungry, y'all.
10:13Okay.
10:14Lindsay and I still cooking.
10:15Oh, yeah.
10:16Yes, for you guys.
10:17We're covering over five.
10:18Oh, my gosh.
10:19Ooh.
10:20Well, Cajun-flavored spinach quesadilla.
10:22All right.
10:23Try it.
10:24It's dipped with a little bit of four cheese on the outside with the spinach on the inside.
10:30We also have a mango tamarind chutney sauce.
10:32Okay.
10:33Sort of complement the flavor, so.
10:34Now, coming up, not only are we digging into these yummy appetizers, but we're going to get into the F word and marriages.
10:41Finances.
10:42Now, keep sending us your comments using hashtag Essence Live.
10:45More of Essence Live's kitchen table talk is up next.
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11:18And as they say in New Orleans, etoufe cronfish, woody.
11:24Hey there.
11:25You're tuned into Essence Live's kitchen table talk.
11:28I'm your host, Makon Yovu, and in today's conversation, we're spilling all the tea on marriage.
11:33Now, joining me at the table are the co-host of the Breakfast Club Morning Show and co-host of the KC Crew Podcast, DJ Envy.
11:42His lovely wife, Gia KC, is also with us.
11:45She's also the co-host of the KC Crew Podcast and founder and president of Africa Health Now, Nana Aisin Aki.
11:52Whoa, whoa.
11:53Good job.
11:54Who has been married for eight years.
11:55Eight years.
11:56And we also have the host of Philadelphia's The Q talk show, Quincy Harris, who has been married for eight years as well.
12:03And Chef Anthony B, he's back there.
12:05He's hooking us up with some yummy eats.
12:07Hey, Chef Anthony.
12:08Plus, we can't forget about you all that are watching.
12:11You have already made some really, really good comments on your social media pages, so keep them coming.
12:16Use the hashtag EssenceLive or you can email us at EssenceLive at Essence.com.
12:21All right, y'all.
12:22Money is one of the biggest reasons people get divorced, so let's jump right in.
12:26Let's jump right in.
12:27In a marriage, what works best, having a joint checking account or keeping things separate?
12:32A little bit of both.
12:33Okay.
12:34I think in our marriage, it's we each have our individual accounts and then we have a pot, the mutual family pot that we put in.
12:40And so we can each say that we pay a bill or pay something.
12:45But I also think that we don't, in our marriage, we don't, Aki and I don't, we don't tit for tat.
12:51So it's not like, oh, I bought this and you could buy that or you didn't do this.
12:55So it's just kind of like, can we afford it?
12:57Especially if it's a big item.
12:58And friends used to make fun of me when we first got married and I would be, I would text them.
13:02You know, you'd be at the Louboutin sample sale and you're like, can I do it?
13:06And like, you got to ask your man, like mind your business, single girl.
13:09Single girl.
13:10Mind your business.
13:11Single girl, no husband.
13:12Mind your business.
13:13Mind your business.
13:14Yes.
13:15Because I'm about to make a big purchase.
13:16It's over $300.
13:18So that may impact something that I wasn't aware of that he has in the pipeline.
13:22So I'm just letting him know whether this comes from my account, his account.
13:26I'm about to make a large purchase.
13:28You good?
13:29I'm good.
13:30It's not in a, can you do it or am I allowed to?
13:32It's about respect.
13:33It's respecting that, the finances.
13:35Cause you go in your account and a thousand dollars is gone on a Tuesday for some shoes.
13:40You might feel some sort of way.
13:42You might catch them out.
13:43Yeah.
13:44You could have called me.
13:45You could have called me.
13:46How do you guys handle that?
13:47Well for us, I think, um, the way my parents raised, they put everything in the pot.
13:51There was no account.
13:52There was no left account, right account.
13:53And that's what we do.
13:54You know, before I started, Gia was making all the money and it was just one account.
13:57And we go into that account and we take the bad thing about our marriage and we, us together,
14:02is we think the same as far as finances are concerned.
14:05If there's something we want to buy.
14:06You're going to buy it.
14:07We go buy it.
14:08It's not like, you know, it's not like that one person is like, babe, maybe we shouldn't.
14:12No, it's not that at all.
14:14It's like, babe, you know, this car came out and she's like, well, baby, you work hard.
14:18And it's the same thing that she wants to be like, well, babe, I mean, you running around
14:25all the time with the kids, you hold the house down.
14:27And that's how we are.
14:28We never say no.
14:29That's the problem.
14:30Yeah.
14:31We just never say no.
14:32But regarding what you said, I think that a couple has to figure out what's best for
14:37them.
14:38There is no right way or wrong way.
14:40For us, everything goes into one pot and everything comes out of one pot.
14:45Like you, we don't ask for permission, but we are respectful.
14:49And similar in what you said about if something is over $300, he'll call me.
14:55Babe, there's this pair of jeans that I like.
14:57Here's a picture.
14:58What do you think?
14:59So at least I feel as though I'm involved in that process.
15:01But I do feel like a sucker.
15:02I'm not going to lie.
15:03If I'm with my friends and I'll be like, hold on, hold on.
15:05Yeah, they're trying to blame you.
15:06People try to.
15:07Yeah, that's the hard thing.
15:08That's the hard thing.
15:09People try to come for you.
15:10So I have, we have like three pots.
15:12It's, you know, the joint and then our separate.
15:14But my wife is so frugal.
15:15Like she doesn't really buy anything.
15:16I have to push her to go out and get stuff for herself.
15:18Same thing with Aki.
15:19Yeah.
15:20She's not going out buying anything.
15:22I have to like force her to do that.
15:24And then sometimes like I want to buy like this like real expensive bicycle.
15:28And I was with my boy and I was like, I'm going to just, I'm going to just get that bike.
15:32And I went home.
15:33I was like, I'm sorry.
15:34I got a bike.
15:35Yeah, I apologize.
15:36I got a bike.
15:37I apologize.
15:38It's a respect.
15:39It's a respect factor that I definitely have for her because my wife does not.
15:42She doesn't like that.
15:43So your wife is frugal.
15:44Oh my gosh.
15:45So did you ask her about her credit before you guys got married or?
15:47Because I'm assuming since she's frugal, she saves money.
15:49So she got good credit.
15:50So did you ask her about it?
15:51No, I didn't.
15:52But we were living together before we got married.
15:54So I already knew everything.
15:56She knew my credit.
15:57I knew her credit.
15:58It was, she had like the best credit before I got it.
16:01I came around.
16:02You came around?
16:03Buying bikes?
16:04Yeah.
16:05We built it back up.
16:06But yeah, like we knew everything.
16:08Like we were living together for four years before we got married.
16:12But does it matter to you guys like if your significant other has bad credit?
16:15Absolutely.
16:16Like if they have loans?
16:17Yes.
16:18Really?
16:19And you marry their credit.
16:20You marry everything.
16:21And you take on all of their debt.
16:23And you have to know if someone makes poor financial decisions, can't pay a bill on time,
16:27or likes to buy something and then bounce a check, that has a lot to do with the marriage.
16:32Yeah.
16:33And put strain on it.
16:34Yes.
16:35Yes.
16:36Absolutely.
16:37We put a lot of strain on it.
16:38Oh wow.
16:39So do you monitor your spending limit?
16:40Like if they spend, since you guys kind of spend freely, does it matter if Envy goes
16:43and buys that million dollar car that came out?
16:46Do you monitor what it does?
16:47The crazy thing about our relationship, and a lot of people don't know, is I buy gear
16:50most of her stuff.
16:51I tell everybody I'm her stylist.
16:53I tell them I'm her gay stylist because when I go to school, I go get her shoes.
16:57I go get, I know the size.
16:58I know a bag she has.
16:59I know the colors.
17:00I'm talking to her.
17:01He knows all the hot stuff.
17:02He knows all the hot stuff.
17:03I know.
17:04I'm like, babe, you got to get those shoes.
17:05You know, you look better.
17:06They come in pink and purple.
17:07I think the pink will look good on you, but they fit a little smaller.
17:09You got to get a spot.
17:10You got to get all the regums.
17:11You got to get all the regums.
17:12You got to get all the regums.
17:13You got to get all the regums.
17:14I'm going to text you my husband's number and you just talk him through that process.
17:17You got it.
17:18You got it.
17:19So while we're still on the subject of finances though, so you're the breadwinner in your relationship.
17:23Does the primary breadwinner get to make all the decisions?
17:26Hell no.
17:27Hell no.
17:28Hell no.
17:29We're all breadwinners.
17:30I think in a relationship, even in a stay-at-home space, you're still, everyone's a breadwinner.
17:35Everyone contributes to how this family functions.
17:38And so I think the only thing my mother told me growing up was this, like, in terms of,
17:42because again, an African culture marriage is, the woman is the neck, the man is the head.
17:47You know your role.
17:48Navigate.
17:49You're in trouble.
17:50Without a neck, you're just a head on the floor.
17:52So she's like, play your position in a way that you can let someone else feel like your
17:57husband.
17:58You know, on the outside, I would never let any, I would never go outside and emasculate
18:01my husband about money or emasculate him in any scenario.
18:05I can go home and discuss it and we can talk about it.
18:07And he would also never kind of play me in the street and be like, oh, be quiet.
18:11You don't make no money.
18:12Like, that's not going on.
18:13I'm so glad you talked about that.
18:14That would get you killed.
18:15You can't be married with that mentality.
18:17That sort of mentality is the whole idea of submission, right?
18:20Yeah.
18:21What do you think about submission?
18:22Like, should women submit to their husbands?
18:24Is that something that...
18:25Even if I thought it, I wouldn't say it.
18:26You wouldn't say it.
18:27Right.
18:28Like, guys, you know.
18:29Submission is a different way.
18:30When you're in a relationship, it's a partnership.
18:32I don't care if you make a million dollars, I'll make a dollar.
18:35Yeah.
18:36If you have kids, if you're building a future with somebody.
18:39Like, I think the one thing people forget about a marriage is part of a family tree.
18:45Mm-hmm.
18:46So, like, for me, I'm not even thinking...
18:47Like, we're thinking about us, but we're trying to set up our great, great, great grandkids.
18:50Creating legacy.
18:51To do so many great different things.
18:53So it's not about, oh, I make the money in the house, and you don't do that, and I do
18:57this.
18:58It's not...
18:59You know...
19:00It's got to be a partnership.
19:01Yeah.
19:02It will never work.
19:03It'll never last.
19:04And not only that, we have children.
19:05So I want my daughters to know what it is.
19:06Like you said, it's a partnership.
19:07It ain't, you better do this or else.
19:09No, it's not that at all, you know?
19:11And if it was, I mean, I remember my wife is strong.
19:14We play wrestle, and one day I had to tap out about that.
19:17Wait a minute.
19:18You play wrestle like a gun.
19:19Like, put the guns on them.
19:20Put the guns on them.
19:21Like, I don't play wrestle with her no more.
19:22Like, when she wants to play wrestle, I'm going to two-piece her, because one time...
19:26She had me in the headlock one time, I almost cried.
19:28Like, I almost died.
19:29I couldn't breathe.
19:30I couldn't breathe.
19:31That's what I'm talking about.
19:32But we share everything in a relationship.
19:33Everything is a partnership, and I want my daughters to know that as well.
19:36Like, you don't have to submit to anybody, you know?
19:39It's a partnership.
19:40You come into a relationship together, and you leave together.
19:42Right.
19:43I love that.
19:44Yeah, go ahead.
19:45But what people have to realize, and I think that most housewives especially understand
19:50what I'm about to say, he might make the financial bread, but I make the grocery bread.
19:56There's two different jobs in a household.
19:59He goes out.
20:00He works hard.
20:01He comes home.
20:02His eyes are bloodshot.
20:03But I'm at home with the children.
20:05I'm rearing them.
20:06I'm teaching them.
20:07I'm setting examples.
20:08I'm at soccer.
20:09I'm at basketball.
20:10I'm at swimming, dance, gymnastics.
20:11I'm running around.
20:12I'm doing a job.
20:13A job.
20:14Exactly.
20:15That if I were working, and I had to pay somebody else to do that, that's my income.
20:20That's my income.
20:21That's my income.
20:22To that.
20:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:24Shout out to all the stay-at-home moms.
20:25They're so underappreciated.
20:26Listen, if you guys out there that undervalue a stay-at-home mom, or the things that a wife
20:32and a mother have to put up with, man.
20:34Let me ask you a question.
20:35If you don't know for one day and see how you would fall there.
20:37Would you rather get up and go to work at 7 o'clock in the morning or stay home with
20:41those kids?
20:42I would leave the house at 5 a.m.
20:44Yes.
20:45The conversation is just heating up.
20:47We're going to dive right in.
20:49I want you to move.
20:50Hold that thought.
20:51Whatever you had.
20:52Hold it.
20:53Now, we're going to talk about what happens in between the sheets with our panelists.
20:56I know.
20:57Oh, y'all are about to bring it.
20:58Okay.
20:59We're talking about intimacy and sex.
21:01I can't be scared.
21:02Plus, I still want to hear from you.
21:03They're doing it.
21:04They're doing it now.
21:05Post your comments using the hashtag Essence Live.
21:08And we'll be right back with more of Essence Live's kitchen table talk next.
21:12We'll talk about marriage.
21:14Hi, it's Joy Yee, your fashion editor at Essence Magazine.
21:20And I'm going to show you that all you need is a reworked shirt and your favorite pair
21:25of jeans for spring.
21:28I love this one-shouldered shirt because all you have to do is tie it on and you're good
21:35to go.
21:36Clearly, I'm into stripes this season and this top is a perfect addition to your workwear.
21:41Bows elevate anything and I fell in love with the drama of this top.
21:48Am I just hearing my own music?
21:52Go bowl this spring with a reworked top and your favorite jean and you're good.
21:58Hey, hey, hey.
21:59Welcome back to Essence Live.
22:02I'm your host, Makon Dovu.
22:04And today's kitchen table talk conversation is all about marriage.
22:08Today's special guests are all married.
22:10They are host of the KC Podcast, DJ MV, and his wife, Gia KC.
22:15Hey, y'all.
22:16Hello.
22:17President and founder of Africa Health Now, Nana Aisin Akiwowo.
22:22And Quincy Harris.
22:23He's the host of Fox Philadelphia's The Q talk show.
22:26And we're not married.
22:27We're not married.
22:28We're not married.
22:29I was feeling that way too when they said eight years and it's eight years.
22:32I was like, we're not married together.
22:33Thanks for the clarification.
22:34Nice lady.
22:35But nice man.
22:36Yeah, my wife's at home.
22:37And shout out to Chef Anthony B, y'all at this table.
22:40Chef Anthony B, who's back there preparing some delicious food for us.
22:44We can't wait.
22:45Now, remember to keep chiming in on this discussion.
22:47Use the hashtag EssenceLive or you can email us at EssenceLive at Essence.com.
22:53All right, panelists.
22:54This is it.
22:55Let's talk about sex.
22:57Does sex get better?
22:59The same or boring after marriage?
23:02Everybody?
23:03Everybody got fun.
23:04We have five kids and I think for us, we just try to keep it spicy.
23:11So we try to do things outlandish.
23:13We try to, I mean, not to sound crazy.
23:16She's my everything.
23:17So she is my wife.
23:19You know, she'll turn into my slut in bed.
23:22Awesome.
23:23Awesome.
23:24It is what it is.
23:25She's everything that we want to do in bed.
23:27We do.
23:28I mean, I've been a cowboy.
23:29Take the real Jesus.
23:31I've been Barack Obama.
23:33I've been a police officer.
23:38And one time I was Maxwell.
23:40Like, whatever.
23:41Wait.
23:42Get some hair.
23:43I had to throw.
23:44I had to throw and everything.
23:45Look, we've been married for 16 years, okay?
23:47We've been together 23.
23:48So they've been through a lot of ups and downs before they got to the point where they're
23:53like, okay, I'm going to put the wig on and I'm going to be Maxwell.
23:57Right?
23:58I know where you're going.
23:59I know where you're going.
24:00Envy, help me out here.
24:01It wasn't like the first eight years you were like, or maybe you were, you're putting the
24:06Maxwell wig on.
24:07Did it come to a point where you're like...
24:08Maxwell was about seven years in.
24:10Yeah.
24:11Maxwell was about...
24:12When we were in college, I was Maxwell.
24:13I was also a cowboy in college.
24:14You were a cowboy in college.
24:15Oh, okay.
24:16Okay.
24:17They grew together.
24:18But the point is not really the wig, right?
24:20It's the whole notion of keeping things spicy.
24:23It can't be missionary all the time.
24:25Another thing we didn't talk about, we talked about communication.
24:28Yeah.
24:29But you have to talk about honesty.
24:30You have to be honest with your partner.
24:32Hey, it's getting kind of boring.
24:34What's going on?
24:35Well, you wouldn't use those words, though.
24:36You wouldn't say boring.
24:37You see what I mean?
24:38You can't use those words.
24:39You wouldn't use those words.
24:40Yes, you're right.
24:41What would you say?
24:42He used those words.
24:43He does.
24:44He used those words.
24:45Instead of this guy going into your adjective box, you would make suggestions of things that
24:50you would like to do, things you would like to see her in, places that you'd like
24:53to go, things you'd like to try.
24:55Hey, let's watch a porno together.
24:56Oh, I thought about this.
24:58Are you down?
24:59You make it fun and exciting.
25:00When you throw an adjective in there.
25:01You would never say boring.
25:02Don't say boring.
25:03Then you accept her.
25:04No, no.
25:05You can't say that.
25:06And then she's working off of an insecurity.
25:08Exactly.
25:09Wow.
25:10Oh, maybe I'm lame.
25:11I wonder what other girls are doing.
25:13Now she's comparing herself.
25:14Maybe he's tired of my body.
25:16Oh my gosh, I have these dog ears and this muffin top.
25:18And I had three kids, now my boobs are down here.
25:20They're dog ears?
25:21Dog ears.
25:22They're on the side.
25:23They're dog ears.
25:24I have them.
25:25You know what I mean?
25:26And now, when you start working with someone who's insecure, that's a whole other beat.
25:29Totally.
25:30Because now you have a bunch of other problems that you're introducing into the situation.
25:34Now you have, you know, a not so great sex life and an insecure wife.
25:39You have to handle your partner with kid gloves and take care of not just them, but their emotions.
25:44Because when someone else is happy, they want to make you happy.
25:46Yeah.
25:47Right.
25:48Right.
25:49So you don't have to do that.
25:50You just get it on the neck.
25:51Yeah.
25:52That was it right then.
25:53One of the things that we love about you guys is you've been very open about, you know,
25:56your struggles with infidelity and the stuff that sort of went on in your marriage.
26:00How did you get over that?
26:01How do you rebuild as a couple after going through something as traumatic?
26:05I'm an O.D.
26:06God.
26:07Absolutely.
26:08I mean, I think our faith has everything.
26:10Everything.
26:11A hundred percent.
26:12You know, I'm not going to say I wasn't into church and God before, but when that incident
26:17happened, it just opened our eyes as a family, not just me and my wife, but our family to
26:21the point where we pray every morning before I go to work.
26:23You know, 5 a.m. in the morning I wake up everybody and we pray.
26:26You know, when I come home before we go to sleep, we pray.
26:28You know, everything in our family is based on our faith now.
26:32And, you know, as a man, I made stupid decisions.
26:35And, you know, luckily, we were able to get over those decisions,
26:38but we were able to get over it because of our faith,
26:41because of, I think, God putting people in our lives
26:44that really changed our lives,
26:45whether it was Gia's best friend who's a preacher
26:48or it was Tyrese who came into our life
26:51who I really didn't even know that just happened to call me.
26:53Tyrese gave you good advice?
26:54Not only did Tyrese give me good advice,
26:56Tyrese heard me on the radio and heard the pain
26:59that I was going through when he was going through that time,
27:00and I didn't know him, he called,
27:02and he became kind of like our counselor.
27:04Wow.
27:04He would call my wife, he would come,
27:07and, I mean, he sang for my wife one time, you know?
27:09Was that hard because he wasn't married at the time, correct?
27:13Nah, it wasn't hard.
27:14It was, Tyrese was so genuine.
27:16Okay.
27:16And he was trying to, as much as he was a dog at that time,
27:21he was making me a better man
27:23and making our relationship a better relationship.
27:25Wow.
27:26But Q, I want to hear from you.
27:27What constitutes cheating on social media?
27:29Does it have to be integral?
27:30Anything, I think anything you would keep away
27:32from your significant other,
27:33you got to really be careful.
27:35So double liking too much?
27:37Oh, that's too much.
27:37Okay.
27:38And you know what, and I also think that,
27:41it goes back to trust.
27:42There's certain levels of trust and common sense.
27:44It's kind of like, I don't think,
27:47I think my husband knows the difference
27:48between this social media personality
27:52and what is a real thing.
27:53It's kind of like, if you go think back that,
27:55think like a man at 80-20.
27:57Are you really, is that really what you're like,
27:59is that what you're going to do?
28:00And if you are going to do that,
28:02then I don't know.
28:05It's a hard, it's a tough, very tough.
28:07It's 80-20.
28:08It's every relationship is not a 50-50.
28:11It's 80%, 20%.
28:12And you might be looking at your 20% today
28:15and looking at this girl
28:16who's got the small body and the big booty
28:18and she could be that 80 until you get there
28:20and you realize she can't do anything.
28:21But you know, the thing with our relationship is like,
28:23even with our phones, like, yesterday I'm sleeping
28:26and I put something on Instagram
28:28and my grammar wasn't right.
28:30When I wake up, Gia's on my phone like,
28:31you've got to fix your grammar, baby.
28:33But that's what it is.
28:34I went to edit like,
28:35it's part of the way, it's part of the way she does.
28:37I had your pass code, yep.
28:39And the craziest thing,
28:40and talk about social media,
28:4120 years ago, I wouldn't have had to tell our kids,
28:43you know, because they would have never found out.
28:44But we had to tell our kids ahead of time.
28:46And when we told our kids,
28:48what was the first thing our kids said?
28:49When we told them what?
28:50About the infidelity.
28:52Oh.
28:53What'd they say?
28:54What did they say?
28:54Okay.
28:56What'd they say?
28:57They said,
28:58Yeah, we're waiting.
28:59They said, Dad, how'd you get caught?
29:00That's what they said.
29:02Dad, how'd you get caught?
29:02And that was my, excuse me,
29:04that was my son's reaction.
29:06How'd you get caught?
29:07And how did you get caught?
29:08Well, now we want to know.
29:10There you go.
29:11So, social media and a bluff.
29:13She bluffed and said that she knew something
29:15that I thought she knew,
29:16so I wound up telling her on myself.
29:17But it was, she really didn't have...
29:19She had no clue.
29:19No, but I'm a good bluffer.
29:21She bluffed me, so.
29:22I'm a good bluffer.
29:22But anyway, it was great because it's actually,
29:24and I hate to say it,
29:25but it's made our relationship stronger.
29:27Oh my God.
29:28We are so, we're closer, we are,
29:30I mean, it's,
29:31I didn't think we could actually be closer,
29:33but we're on, like, on another level.
29:36We're on, we see eye to eye on everything.
29:38And if we don't, we just hash it out and keep it moving.
29:41And I'm so glad you got, go ahead.
29:42Because before I found out,
29:44there were no red flags.
29:46Like, he was very good.
29:49And he treated me like a queen, even then.
29:51I had everything that I wanted.
29:52He was affectionate, sweet, complimentary.
29:55He did everything he was supposed to do.
29:57And then a little bit of common sense kicked in,
30:01in one particular area.
30:02And I couldn't, I was like a dog with a bone.
30:05But since I found out and God became part of our relationship
30:09and part of our marriage,
30:10and we put him first and everything follows behind that,
30:14just like he said,
30:16I could have never imagined being as happy as I am now.
30:21And I thought I was happy before.
30:22I was freaking happy before.
30:23And now you're in a whole other state.
30:25The degree to which that I'm happy right now,
30:28I could have never even imagined it.
30:29I couldn't imagine that connection with another person.
30:32So it was really like a gift and a curse for us.
30:34It had to happen in our relationship.
30:36Right.
30:36I want to talk to you guys about open marriages.
30:39Q, I'm going to jump to you first,
30:41because your face is like...
30:42Yeah, I'm just wondering what does that define,
30:43what that means, because I don't want to act like I know.
30:45So there was a piece in the New York Times,
30:47a magazine, that recently was all about couples
30:49who choose to have open marriages.
30:51A lot of them had already been married for some time.
30:54So is that something that you think is normal?
30:56No, but with open meaning, I can date other people.
30:58Yeah, I date other people, you date other people.
31:00But we're married.
31:01No, that's not what marriage is.
31:03If I give you 100%, right,
31:07then I'll give...
31:08You know, my relationship will grow to another level
31:11that I won't even know.
31:12If I got to give this person this energy,
31:15this person this energy,
31:16I'm taking away from my kids.
31:17I'm doing a bunch of different stuff
31:19that I need to use that energy for something else.
31:22Not only that, I'm too insecure for that.
31:23How about that?
31:24Yeah, but I can't see another guy with my wife.
31:27No.
31:28I never even went to that side.
31:29Oh, my goodness.
31:29We haven't even thought that far.
31:30I would think about it all the time.
31:32No.
31:32No.
31:33So security is really the problem,
31:35not that you're just morally against it.
31:37Then I got to worry about,
31:38is his thing bigger than mine?
31:39Oh, yeah.
31:40Is he laying it down better than me?
31:42Is he not?
31:42No.
31:42I don't know.
31:47No.
31:48But I'm not at the table.
31:49No, no, I mean, it's off the table.
31:50It's going to go out of here.
31:52I was like, what about even,
31:53this is all hypothetical,
31:55because we have a lot of conversations just for fun.
31:57I'm like, what about just me and another female?
31:58He's like, no.
32:00I don't want to think about you with another female,
32:02what she might be doing.
32:03I'm like, what?
32:05All of this sex talk has oddly got me hungry.
32:08So Chef Anthony D.
32:09Yes, that's the aphrodisiac.
32:10Listen, that's the way to my heart and my stomach, too.
32:13Bring it, Chef.
32:14What do you have for us?
32:16This looks so good.
32:17Oh, my gosh.
32:18Oh, my gosh.
32:19That's a glass.
32:20That's cute.
32:21It's definitely a problem,
32:22but this is my date night special.
32:24It's the jerk shrimp tacos, essentially.
32:30So it has a Cajun spice
32:31with the mango tamarind chutney sauce
32:34we had earlier with the quesadilla.
32:37Lovely.
32:38Miley, it's mild, not on the spicy side.
32:41What a nice, sweet, and savory kick to it.
32:43Ooh, this looks scrumptious.
32:45I'm, like, legit about to eat, guys.
32:46Stay in.
32:47I see mine, right?
32:48Go in.
32:48I'm excited.
32:49I hope yours isn't mine.
32:50I see mine, too.
32:51See yours, too.
32:51I see mine.
32:52Please eat.
32:53Don't even be shy.
32:54Just go ahead and eat.
32:55All right, so we're about to wrap up,
32:56but before we do,
32:58I have a fun question for you all.
33:00And we talked about celebrity couples
33:01who are splitting up,
33:02so now you get to vote on one.
33:04Instead of one gotta go,
33:05we're going to play up one gotta stay.
33:07That's the game we're going to play.
33:08Which celebrity couple do you think
33:11should get back together?
33:12Here are your options.
33:13Mary J. Blige and Ken Doe Isaacs,
33:16T.I. and Tiny,
33:18Gianna Jackson and that billionaire,
33:20Rassam Al-Anah,
33:21or Lala and Carmelo Anthony.
33:24All right, I'm going to start with you guys.
33:26Who should, who got to stay together?
33:29Okay.
33:31Let's go, let's go.
33:32It's between, it's between T.I. and Tiny.
33:34I love them because they've been together
33:35for a long time,
33:37and Lala and Carmelo.
33:39T.I. and Tiny?
33:39T.I. and Tiny.
33:40T.I. and Tiny.
33:41Okay.
33:41T.I. and Tiny.
33:41Because they've been together, why?
33:43No, not because they've been together
33:44for a long time.
33:46I think that the problems that I can see
33:49or that I'm assuming that they're going through
33:51based on what I see on social media, etc.,
33:54I think are relatively fixable
33:56with some attitude adjustments
33:58and a little bit of maybe mentoring
34:01or soul-searching.
34:02They need you guys to mentor them.
34:04That's what they're saying.
34:05You need to call T.I.
34:06Because I think I agree.
34:07I agree with that, and yeah,
34:09I think it's T.I. and Tiny.
34:10Yeah.
34:10I think they can fix it.
34:11Yeah, I think it's T.I. and Tiny as well
34:13because they have little kids.
34:14You're going to be in each other's lives a lot,
34:17and you're going to be around each other
34:18at the baseball game,
34:20at the dance recital,
34:21around the holidays,
34:22your birthday, his birthday,
34:24his thing, wine is going to be around.
34:26Just get back together.
34:27Stop.
34:28Stop.
34:29Just stop.
34:29The kids are too small.
34:30Okay, like,
34:30I don't believe in staying in a marriage
34:34because of the kids, yeah.
34:35I think that primarily
34:37the husband and the wife
34:38have to be happy together
34:40and let that love spill over
34:42into the children.
34:43I totally agree.
34:44But I think...
34:44Look at him, he's making him feel happy.
34:46You have more time to connect
34:48when the kids are smaller
34:50because you're like,
34:50oh, man.
34:51I don't know.
34:52I like you again.
34:53Right.
34:53Do you think so?
34:54Yeah.
34:55But you guys,
34:55I can't get a connection
34:57to save my life.
34:58That baby keep walking in the room
34:59and busting into the room.
35:00At 3 a.m.
35:01This is...
35:02Go ahead.
35:02Y'all keep going.
35:03No, we have to talk about...
35:06Seems like it's a unanimous decision
35:08that we want T.I. and Tanya
35:09to stay together.
35:10Yes.
35:10But you do remember
35:11that whole comment of T.I.
35:13saying that his marriage
35:14to Tanya was a distraction.
35:15It was a distraction.
35:15So we're rooting for them,
35:17but it's he rooting for himself.
35:18Like...
35:19I mean, I don't get
35:20the distraction thing.
35:21I mean, because they were together
35:22so long,
35:23and they were together
35:24when she was popping
35:26and he wasn't.
35:26She made the money.
35:27So she made the money at the time.
35:29And he was still working,
35:29but he wasn't as successful as her.
35:31But the whole marriage distraction thing,
35:33I don't get it.
35:34You know, marriage is more important
35:36and that relationship
35:37is more important than any job,
35:38than any dollar sign,
35:39than any check,
35:39than anything out there.
35:41So the priority should be the marriage
35:43and maybe his work is a distraction.
35:44He might need to take some time off work
35:46and focus on family.
35:48Tell it.
35:48I feel like we're rooting for T.A. and Tiny
35:50more than they are for themselves.
35:52Right.
35:52Before we go,
35:53I want to remind you
35:54about our hashtag Essence Live contest,
35:57where we're giving away tickets
35:58to Essence Festival.
36:00All right.
36:01Here's how it works.
36:02Post a public video
36:03to Facebook, Twitter,
36:05or Instagram of yourself singing
36:07or rapping about Essence Live.
36:09Make it fun.
36:11Make it creative.
36:12And the winner gets two tickets
36:13to Essence Festival.
36:15However, there are some rules.
36:17You must be 19 years of age or older.
36:20Travel and hotel are not included.
36:23Your song or rap must be original.
36:25It can't have won any awards
36:26or been published anywhere.
36:28And y'all,
36:29absolutely no profanity,
36:32nudity,
36:33or violent image or language.
36:35Once again,
36:36you have to do an original video
36:37of yourself singing or rapping
36:39about Essence Live
36:40and then post the video publicly
36:42to Facebook, Twitter,
36:43or Instagram
36:44using the hashtag Essence Live.
36:46You got it?
36:47Pretty simple, right?
36:48That's hashtag Essence Live contest.
36:51Good luck, y'all.
36:52Well, everyone,
36:53that wraps our edition
36:55of Essence Live's
36:56Kitchen Table Talk,
36:57real talk about marriage.
36:58All thank you to DJ Envy
37:00and Gia Casey
37:01and Nana Aysen,
37:03Okiwawa,
37:04and Quincy Harris
37:05for joining me.
37:06And of course,
37:07you're streaming us
37:07on Essence Live.com
37:08and Facebook.
37:09But if you missed
37:10any of today's show,
37:11you can catch the replay
37:12shortly on Essence.com
37:14or see all our videos
37:15on our YouTube page.
37:16And tune in next week
37:17for an all-new Essence Live.
37:19I'm Makon Gyovo,
37:20and thank you so much
37:21for watching.
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