Mock the Week - Season 7 Episode 09- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Stewart Francis, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Holly Walsh
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00:00What's that happen throughout the world?
00:03Don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:09Read all about it.
00:12Read all about it.
00:15There's a wall.
00:16There's a wall.
00:18Read all about it.
00:21Read all about it.
00:23There's a wall.
00:25There's a wall.
00:26Hello and welcome to Mock of the Week.
00:31I'm Daryl Breen.
00:33Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Stuart Francis.
00:47We start with a round called Headliners.
00:50Here's a picture of Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi in casual mode recently.
00:54What does LCGA stand for?
00:58First of all, is he Lionel Richie's melting wax one?
01:03Is it Little Cap Giant Afro?
01:07Do you think it's all tucked in?
01:09Do you think it's all squeaked in?
01:12Is it Love Confuses Gaddafi's Assassin?
01:15I would kill him, but look at that little smile.
01:19How could you?
01:21Is it Least Convincing Goatee Award?
01:26Is it Lovely Cap General Armani?
01:29Is it Leicester City's Goalie Arrives?
01:36It really was an unusual transfer window when they picked up Colonel Gaddafi.
01:40Four things you're not allowed at the party.
01:43Is it Ladies, Cocaine, Glaswegians and Alcohol?
01:47Is it...
01:48I'm very racist.
01:49Thanks for opening the racist door for me.
01:58Do you actually have a racist door?
02:02I always imagine there's more like...
02:04It's like doing the children's show.
02:05Yeah, exactly.
02:05I know children.
02:06Shall we open the racist door?
02:08Who's behind...
02:09Oh, it's Ching Chong Chinaman.
02:12The risk of being satirical, is it just Lockerbie cover-up, Gordon agrees?
02:16It's fucking Radio 4 now, Dennis.
02:22With your correct-sounding answer.
02:25Is it what George Bush used to call him?
02:28Little crazy goddamn Arab.
02:33Who will be appearing behind the racist door in the next edition of Frankie's Funhouse on CBB.
02:40That's a different show altogether.
02:42My late-night show there.
02:43If you look at it really closely, the answer is Leonard Cohen's great-aunt.
02:50I'm genuinely going to have to get a correct answer.
02:51Libyan Colonel...
02:53Oh, no.
02:53Libyan celebrate Gaddafi's anniversary.
02:55It is, of course.
02:56Well done.
03:01Yes.
03:02The answer I was looking for was Libya celebrates Gaddafi's anniversary.
03:05The Colonel seized power of the military coup 40 years ago this week.
03:09How time flies.
03:10And the country marked the occasion with six days of extravagant and compulsory celebration.
03:16How was it?
03:17Did you enjoy it?
03:18It was absolutely fantastic.
03:19I got a whale of a time.
03:20Every time the dips, Dara, were absolutely all right.
03:23I would imagine stone top-quality hummus all right.
03:26It was fantastic.
03:27They compared it, didn't they?
03:28He said that it would be a celebration on the same lines or even better than Beijing 2008, didn't they?
03:34And the reason he said that was because apparently, as well as fireworks and stuff, they've got the world's biggest tent.
03:39Yeah.
03:39That is amazing.
03:40Which isn't even true.
03:41The biggest tent in the world is the one Vanessa Feltz uses when she goes to Glastonbury.
03:44It's a friend of mine.
03:51It's the world's biggest tent, though.
03:56It would have taken an absolute arse-ache to put it up, wouldn't it?
03:59Do you think they'd have spent ages...
04:01Andrew, you're putting your tents up wrong.
04:02Yeah.
04:02He had the Italian red arrows at it.
04:08To me, all the red arrows are just cowards, aren't they?
04:12Highly skilled pilots who, while we're at war, choose to perform at country air shows.
04:18Have you seen any action recently?
04:20Yes, Farnborough.
04:21I killed a family having a picnic.
04:24During the action ceremony, the ceremony of the usual stuff, there were dancers,
04:28and then there was like a big eye for no properly explained reason,
04:31and people would walk into the big eye.
04:33That's been going into the party.
04:35You should see where they're coming out.
04:36It was really gross.
04:38And then as well as that, there was this weird kind of motif,
04:41which was they commemorated the hanging of Libyan patriots by the Italians.
04:46Do you know what you can't see just out of that shot?
04:48The relatives of those people are desperately trying to guess the letters of a huge word.
04:54Is there a miniature of that as an executive toy?
04:57Yeah.
04:58Just look at that.
05:01It's almost like Flippi had forgot about Gaddafi's 40th anniversary
05:05and had to pick up a stage show on the way home.
05:09Quick, go to the garage.
05:10We need a massive international stage show.
05:12I've got an eye.
05:13What does that represent?
05:14I don't know.
05:15Looking at things for 40 years.
05:16Good work.
05:17Good work.
05:18Good work.
05:19Because this obviously is what Gaddafi looks like these days.
05:22Yeah.
05:22Which is, that space is quite rock and roll.
05:25In fact, it's exceptionally rock and roll.
05:27When you see who he most resembles in the world, which is Tom Jones.
05:31And I'm just like, you couldn't just pick, you pick any photograph of Gaddafi, look, in a hat, but like this.
05:38Oh my God.
05:39It's Tom Jones.
05:39Who was that?
05:46Who attended, by the way?
05:47Well, no one, really.
05:48There was one world leader who came, didn't he, in the morning.
05:51That was Berlusconi.
05:52Berlusconi accepted the invitation when he heard that Jordan was going.
05:56Although he left early when he found out it was the country.
05:58Because it's always going to be a different party once Berlusconi goes, you know, like, oh, cancel the cat-headed women, send someone out to buy Boggle and Skatagos.
06:11They had one Western leader at it.
06:14And that was because, like, Mugabe and various people arrived.
06:16But they also had, excitingly, the present George Abella of Malta and his wife, Mark.
06:22And we just sound like the most, like they drove there with a caravan.
06:26Oh, I know.
06:28Can I go to the bitch?
06:29Can I go to the bitch coming over?
06:30Oh, it's hot, isn't it hot?
06:33Oh, it's hot.
06:34Oh, these sheep's eyes don't agree with me.
06:37They were worried, weren't they, that Al McGrath was actually going to show up.
06:40And it's a six-day festival and Gaddafi is a maverick.
06:44There were loads of pictures of Al McGrath, weren't there?
06:46There were.
06:46And you're thinking at some stage, not only will there be all the Scottish flags flying again, but you quite expect Gaddafi to wear a Celtic scarf, have a little kilt,
06:55be eating porridge oats, watching somebody toss the caber, going, ahhh!
07:02Can you excuse me while I just lock the racist door?
07:07I say...
07:07It's good to see McGrath, he's taking the Scottish lifestyle back with him, though.
07:16He's living in a tent and taking morphine every day.
07:19I think, you know, people say it's gone bad diplomatically, but it's gone not that bad considering it's Scottish people trying to do diplomacy.
07:28It's gone quite well.
07:29The average Scottish person's idea of diplomacy is going, you're a c***.
07:33But it's okay, I like a c***.
07:40You're afraid to have opened your own racist door again.
07:44Well, I have a light to open the racist door again.
07:47There's a strange thing, isn't there, with Al McGrath, where there's this defence of compassion, like you're now allowed to commit a crime providing that there's something wrong with you.
07:55Sorry, I've pest in your coffee, I've got asthma.
07:59What is the recent news about Britain's population?
08:03Oh, there's loads of us.
08:04There's loads! There's loads!
08:06It's now gone up to 61 million.
08:08Now, this was reported, this was reported by The Independent, for example, during the week with,
08:13Baby Boom drives British population to record high.
08:16Whereas The Sun said, Randy Couples pushed population to 61 million.
08:23And brilliantly, the Daily Mail said,
08:27An immigrant Baby Boom has given Jewish Britain's vast population growth in half a section.
08:36Tell me about it, there's an agenda in place.
08:38What was lovely as well was the links, because The Independent and the Mail all had links to how population's going to affect us in the future.
08:45The Sun had a link from that news story that said,
08:4811 million people have had sex in their car.
08:50Are you one of them?
08:51I read about this story, I read about this story originally on the Daily Mail website,
08:57and it made a big thing about the immigrants, and then it said,
09:00the average woman in Britain now has 1.9 children.
09:03And I thought, who are all these 0.9 people?
09:06And then I read the comments underneath, and...
09:10There they were!
09:12What we need to do, I think, is put teenagers off sex, and I am the very man for that job.
09:20You know the way they send a prisoner round sometimes to tell kids in school that crime isn't going to be good for them?
09:26They should send me round to show them what sex is like in a long-term relationship.
09:31And for realism, in the middle of it, my two-year-old son walks in and tells us both that he needs a poo.
09:43Hang on! Hang on!
09:46Hang on one second.
09:48You can lock the racist door, but you can't lock the bedroom door.
09:52The BNP, they got very excited by the baby boom statistics, didn't they?
10:00And you know, like, Jerry Adams used to, when he was on the news, they always had to dub his voice, didn't they?
10:05I think for the BNP, whenever Nick Griffin's on the news, they should dub his voice with the voice of Joe Pasquale.
10:13I think it'd be funny if it was Mr. T.
10:15Sorry.
10:15Yeah, I was going to say, or, or, like, a Jamaican.
10:17I think it'd be the Patois here, the BNP here.
10:23I'm trying to steal my jobs in ting.
10:27Right, when he, uh, he steals drums in the background.
10:31Ding-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
10:32Does anyone here a creaking door?
10:36We need to do some serious things to tackle the population problem, right?
10:39First of all, we should get Fiona Bruce, during Antiques Roadshow, to every 30 seconds go,
10:44Boo!
10:45And secondly, we need a security firm patrolling Kerry Katona's vagina 24-7.
10:54OK, at the end of, uh...
10:56At the end of that round, the points go to Russell, Holly and Andy.
11:04OK.
11:05Now we play a round called Colonel Gagaffey.
11:11This game involves Holly, Stuart, Andy and Russell, so if you could make your way to the performance
11:16area, please.
11:17This is where we test our performance stand-up skills.
11:19We spin our news generator.
11:20It settles on a topic, and anyone can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject.
11:24The winners are the people I judge who produce the funniest stuff.
11:27OK, here we go.
11:28Let's spin the wheel.
11:30The first subject is international relations.
11:33Who wants to come in on that?
11:34Andy Parsons.
11:35Now, the new head of the Tamil Tigers, he's been arrested by Sri Lanka.
11:42Now, I always think the Tamil Tigers, they don't really sound like a terrorist group, do they?
11:47I always think they sound more like a rugby league team.
11:49It seems that even the terrorists are resorting to marketing techniques to try and get more members.
11:57Are we soon going to have the Al-Qaeda Rhinos?
12:00Will it be the Israeli Broncos against the Hamas Cowboys?
12:05Maybe it's not even the real IRA.
12:08Maybe it's Real IRA.
12:13Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
12:15OK, let's spin the wheel again.
12:22Subject is dating.
12:23Who wants to come in on that?
12:24Holly.
12:25My favourite way of meeting people at the moment is this thing called Close Encounters, or I Seek You.
12:29You might have seen this as the people who text into the free newspapers, and they go things like,
12:33I was the girl in the grey jacket.
12:35You were the guy reading the book on the train.
12:37Call me.
12:38Have you seen these?
12:39I saw one the other day that said, I was the guy in the skin-tight orange vest top.
12:43You were the girl pointing and laughing.
12:45Call me.
12:47I was the guy in the tweed jumpsuit.
12:49You were any woman.
12:50Call me.
12:53My friend works for the only newspaper in Guernsey, and she said they tried to run one of those
12:56I Seek You columns, but they had to drop it after a week, because it was like, oh, it's
12:59the guy in the white apron, and everyone's really going, oh, that'll be Dave.
13:04There's only seven people on this island, you stalker.
13:07Thank you very much, Holly.
13:08Okay, that leads you with Stuart and Russell.
13:13Let's spin the wheel.
13:16The next topic is the Consumer Society.
13:18Russell.
13:19It's all a bit much, isn't it?
13:23I went into a shop the other day that said, why not try a guilt-free wrap?
13:27You're like, don't make sandwiches evil.
13:30Sandwiches are lovely.
13:31The bacon sandwich, one of the loveliest things in the world.
13:33What is a bacon sandwich?
13:34Essentially, it's bread giving a dead pig a cuddle.
13:37It's a lovely thing.
13:38I love you, Mr. Pig.
13:41Why do the Jews hate me?
13:43I was really down about it, and then I saw this wonderful thing that I think could only
13:48happen in the West Country.
13:50The bloke behind the counter in this shop yawned.
13:52The bloke in front of him, who did not know him, popped his finger in his mouth, and went,
13:57ooh, yawn rape, and I nearly died.
14:01I had never seen a yawn rape.
14:04And now you've learned about it, you can't not do it.
14:08You'll be on a bus, you'll see an oh, yawn rape, you can't help.
14:12Did the bloke behind the counter headbutt him?
14:14No, he didn't.
14:15The bloke behind the counter giggled, and went, it's a good job I didn't fart, wasn't it?
14:19And you're sat there and go, well, the world is a better place.
14:23Thank you very much.
14:24You're all set.
14:29Okay, Stuart, let's see what you've been left with.
14:31Let's spin the wheel.
14:33The next topic is health.
14:34Oh, that was a long walk.
14:39Okay, health.
14:42Money, money-wise, I'm set for life, provided I die next Tuesday.
14:47Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.
14:57Just because I have arthritis doesn't mean I can't live a normal whole.
15:01I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, but you know what they say.
15:22Unfortunately for agoraphobics, the cure is just around the corner.
15:24My manic-depressive buddy was attacked by a bipolar bear.
15:34Therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
15:37We'll see about that.
15:38My neighbor's in the Guinness Book of Records.
15:44He's had 43 concussions.
15:46He lives very close.
15:46In fact, just a stone's throw away.
15:48But the point.
15:50To your health, my friends.
15:51And at the end of that round, the point's for Shurg and Holly.
16:03Our next round is called, if this is the answer, what is the question on the board of six categories?
16:08Holly, which category would you like?
16:09Media.
16:10Okay, media it is.
16:12The answer is 200 hours.
16:14What is the question?
16:15Is it, what amount of drinking can the average Scott fit into a happy hour?
16:20If an MP spent an hour travelling to work, how much would they actually claim for?
16:36Is it, over an infinite amount of time, an infinite number of monkeys would eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare,
16:44how long would it take two monkeys to write Hollyoaks?
16:47When captured, when captured, is it the amount of time the Scottish government thinks Osama Bin Laden should serve?
17:01Is it?
17:02Is it?
17:03Weird.
17:04Is it how long can Peter Mendelsohn lie motionless without breathing?
17:09Is it how long did it take Heather Mills to complete Celebrity Total Wipeout?
17:17At what point does masturbation become self-harm?
17:22Is it how long does Adrian Childs spend in makeup before the makeup lady says,
17:28fuck it, there's nothing else I can do!
17:34I look forward to having to explain that joke next time I'm plugging a DVD.
17:38Yeah, I look forward to having to watch it, I look forward to having to ask her, how many hours do Channel 4 have to find because they're axing Big Brother?
17:45That's exactly right, well done Russell.
17:47The question I was looking for was, how many hours of their primetime schedule will Channel 4 have to fill after cancelling Big Brother?
17:58This is the story that the broadcasters announced the cancellation of the long-running reality show, Big Brother will now run only until 2010.
18:05Why has the show been cancelled?
18:06Ratings, isn't it?
18:07Yes, it is.
18:08The lowest ratings, it's gone down to 2 million, it was at 13 million.
18:11But I think they should never have had different series anyway, they should have just kept the first lot in their food.
18:16That would be great.
18:17Well, just to see how long it takes them to eat each other.
18:21It's just not too predictable, hasn't it?
18:24I mean, I've not seen any of this, Big Brother, I've not even read about it in the paper,
18:27but I can say with confidence that the gay one's a bit annoying, the lesbian's a bit bossy,
18:32it's a shame for the one with special needs and the racist one stands a good chance of winning.
18:36It did change, it changed the language of television, Big Brother, in many, many ways.
18:42I mean, there was the voting people out and tasks and the secondary programme,
18:47that's the big thing that they did, which not enough shows do.
18:50I would love to hear at the end of Newsnight where they go,
18:54for more on this story, why don't we go to BBC Three and see who's joining Paxo in the Newsnight Jacuzzi?
18:59It's a shame that it's gone, because, you know, now, if you want to watch a room of strangers sleeping,
19:04you have to do it the old-fashioned way, with a ladder.
19:08I would like, probably, it's a little bit like, when it's on telly, it's a little bit like,
19:11you know when you see a dog just rubbing its arse on carpet?
19:14It's a bit like that, you just watch it, don't you?
19:16You kind of watch that for five minutes, and then you go,
19:18what have I been doing for five minutes?
19:20And the dog seems to look at you and go, you know what you've been doing.
19:24That's exactly it, though, isn't it?
19:25Because everyone's going, are they going to replace it with drama?
19:27Are they going to replace it with big documentaries?
19:29And you're like, no, everybody in Channel 4 is in a big room right now,
19:33and every sentence they say ends with,
19:35crossed with skins.
19:37Let's do cash in the attic, crossed with skins.
19:41Let's all it gash in the attic.
19:44Channel 4, if you're watching, my show that I propose to you is ready to roll out right now.
19:49Robot whores.
19:51Father and son teams build robot prostitutes in their sheds.
19:55Obviously, Craig Charles is still the presenter.
19:57Sergeant Vash looks very different.
20:02In all the news, what scandals rocked the world of rugby recently?
20:05Oh, there's a thing called Bloodgate.
20:07Yeah, this is the story of a rugby player
20:09who basically has faked a blood injury so as he could get substituted.
20:14Yes, Tom Williams is the name.
20:15He was the worst actor in the world.
20:17There's footage of him, and he basically took a blood capsule out of his sock,
20:21put it in his mouth, right, fell over very dramatically,
20:24and then as he was being carried off the pitch, winked so as the TV cameras could actually see it.
20:30He's been banned for four months, but on the plus side,
20:33he has got a part in the opening sequence of Casualty.
20:36I thought it would have been a lot better if he'd hidden it up his arse
20:40and just come out of the scrum like that.
20:44You're just, you bastards.
20:49He got the blood capsules.
20:51They came from a joke shop, I think, didn't they?
20:52Yeah.
20:53It'd be fantastic if everybody did that.
20:54If, you know, Eduardo goes down on the penalty area,
20:56you'll get a lot more sympathy if he comes up with an arrow sticking through his head.
20:59Do you know how they invented rugby?
21:02Do you know how they invented, you know the famous story?
21:04There's a wee boy at rugby school, picked up a football,
21:07and his friends joined them.
21:08And do you know the irony is,
21:10if his friends had beaten the shit out of him,
21:13they'd still have invented rugby.
21:16It's not even particularly, look at him, for God's sake,
21:19he looks at someone at Dawn of the Dead.
21:21He's gone too far with that.
21:23Like, he should be hanging at a shopping centre
21:25while seven survivors would sort of shop...
21:28Oh, no, oh, no, there's an undead on the field for Harlequins.
21:33Clear the picture, remember the undead is here.
21:34They do a thing called cutting and stitching.
21:36So basically what happens, before the game,
21:38they cut you, and then they stitch it up,
21:40and then if they're losing,
21:42they get you to open the stitches up in the middle of the game.
21:44That would basically mean you're pretty rubbish at rugby, innit?
21:47If they go around and go,
21:48Johnny, make sure you throw it.
21:49You, Steve, make sure you kick it.
21:51Russell, we're going to cut you.
21:54In case we're losing, we need you to pick the stitch.
21:56You won't, because you can't catch the ball
21:59or do the kicky with the ball.
22:01You're just good for bleeding.
22:04Who here congeals the worst?
22:07I think it's absolutely despicable.
22:09You'd never have this happening back in Canada.
22:11I defy you to name one Canadian athlete who's cheated.
22:15Is it a sport?
22:18It sort of seems to be men with no teeth fighting.
22:22It's like something we invented
22:23so that fat public schoolboys could have something to do
22:26and they weren't punching each other at a wedding reception.
22:29Apart from the game, the part of the game work,
22:30I'm not a rookie man to go to a rugby school,
22:32apart from the game work to the school level
22:33because there's a job for everyone in the class,
22:36as in the kid who's fast can go in the wing
22:38and the fat short kid can go in the front.
22:40It's really like Bash Street kids.
22:42Everyone has something to do.
22:44And the kid who likes using scalpels to cut the stitches.
22:46Yeah.
22:49So they're being a position for everybody in the class.
22:51I love the fact that at last,
22:53there's something for emo kids and goths
22:55who've been cutting themselves for years.
22:57They're like, get out there.
22:59We can do with you on a team.
23:00Harley Quinn's is a really odd name for a rugby.
23:03It sounds like it should be a soft-scented box of chocolate.
23:07Is the harlequin a spirit of mischief
23:09from the Comedia de Larte?
23:11Good God.
23:13It doesn't scream rugby, really, does it?
23:17Well, it probably would if you squeezed it hard enough.
23:20Rugby!
23:22Are you mistreating that harlequin again, Dennis?
23:26OK, at the end of that round, at the end of that round,
23:28boys go to Frankie Hughes-Turrock!
23:30Thank you!
23:34Now we come to our final quickfire round
23:37called Scenes We'd Like to See.
23:38This is for everyone,
23:39so if you can make your way to the performance area, please.
23:41I caught ideas for scenarios we'd love to see
23:44and performance perimeter suggestions.
23:49OK, here we go.
23:50The first subject is...
23:53Rejected questions from this year's exams.
23:56What colour does a Smurf go when we choke it?
24:00Translate the following into German.
24:04Two World Wars and one World Cup.
24:06Do-da, do-da.
24:07How many Peperami big boys could you feed to Victoria Beckham
24:16through a tube before she became visible to the human eye?
24:21What is the name of the force that pulls objects
24:26towards the centre of the earth?
24:27Is it A, gravity, or B, magic?
24:34Katie Price is supposedly worth eight and a half million pounds
24:39and has got a thriving TV career.
24:42Explain.
24:43If George Michael leaves at eight o'clock for a five-mile drive,
24:52when does he crash?
24:56There are six lines of equal length.
24:58How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
25:00If a train is going at 70 miles per hour,
25:08how surprised would you be?
25:13What is amnesia?
25:15Is it A, memory loss,
25:18A, memory loss,
25:19or four,
25:21the Battle of Hastings?
25:27If Sally buys three oranges
25:30and two apples,
25:32how far south of Scotland
25:33is she?
25:34We'll discuss the idea that Willy Wonka
25:51was a paedophile.
25:56What is amnesia?
25:58Is it A,
26:00memory loss,
26:01draw a diagram of the male genitalia?
26:08Please use the tracing paper provided.
26:14What are most Canadians renowned for saying?
26:17A.
26:24English.
26:25Is standards declining?
26:31Hitler,
26:31Pol Pot,
26:32Genghis Khan.
26:33Shag,
26:33marry,
26:34or kill?
26:37There's a wedding
26:38where Jane invites 20 guests
26:41and her partner Helen
26:42invites 40 guests.
26:44How angry is God?
26:48The next topic is
26:50unlikely things to hear
26:52on a TV business show.
26:53Well,
26:54the footsie
26:55has had its best day since March.
26:57It went shopping,
26:57had lunch with friends,
26:58and took in a show
26:59before shagging a complete stranger
27:01it met in a bar.
27:04Our invention
27:05lets you know
27:06whether or not
27:06a girl fancies you.
27:08We call it beer.
27:12Okay, dragons,
27:13I've developed a system
27:15that lets you get
27:16your own seat
27:17on the bus
27:18and it involves
27:18talking slightly too loudly
27:20than pitting yourself.
27:21This morning
27:27I'm asking
27:28for half a million pounds
27:29and with that
27:30I will buy
27:31half a million
27:32lottery tickets.
27:39Good evening, dragon.
27:40Oh, jeez,
27:41what the hell is that?
27:42That's Evan Davis,
27:43the host?
27:44I'm out.
27:47Okay,
27:48we may have lost
27:49some money
27:50promoting
27:50Michael Jackson
27:51O2,
27:52but let's face it,
27:53I've just signed
27:54a deal
27:55for the new
27:55Oasis tour.
28:01Hello
28:01and welcome
28:02to Working Lunch,
28:03a show for people
28:04who are so good
28:05at business
28:06they're sat at home
28:07watching the TV
28:08in the middle
28:09of the fucking day.
28:14Dragons,
28:15I have three words
28:17for you.
28:17Reggae,
28:19reggae condoms.
28:24The last task
28:25was easy
28:26and yet you
28:27cocked it up.
28:28I only asked you
28:30to blow
28:30the bloody doors up.
28:36This week
28:37the dragons
28:38meet a retired
28:39Nigerian brigadier
28:40with an offer
28:41that sounds
28:41too good
28:42to be true.
28:42today there
28:46was a hard
28:47drop on the
28:47footsie
28:48and I got
28:49a bruise
28:49on my
28:49handy
28:50wandy.
28:53This week
28:54the apprentices
28:54face their
28:55toughest task
28:56ever,
28:57selling the
28:57shite
28:58Sir Alan
28:58actually makes.
28:59OK,
29:02the point's
29:03going to
29:03Frankie
29:04Hughes
29:04Stewart.
29:10That's the end
29:11of the show.
29:12This week's
29:12winners are
29:13Andy Parkins,
29:13Holly Walsh
29:14and Russell
29:14Howard.
29:20Commiserations
29:21to Frankie
29:21Boy,
29:21Hugh
29:22Daz
29:22and
29:22Stewart
29:22Francis.
29:27Thank you
29:27for watching.
29:28I'm
29:28Dara Breen.
29:29Good night.
29:34For festival
29:35highlights from
29:35Reading and
29:36Leeds,
29:36you can catch
29:37all the best
29:37bits by pressing
29:38the red button
29:39now.
29:40And how did
29:40we ever cook,
29:41clean or decorate
29:42without being shown
29:43how to by the
29:44TV expert?
29:45The funny side
29:46of them is next.
29:51Wow.
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