Mock the Week - Season 7 Episode 02- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Tom Stade, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Rhod Gilbert
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00:00I have a future of the world, and don't believe that everything you see I hear.
00:09Read all about it, read all about it, listen to the world, listen to the world.
00:18Read all about it, read all about it, listen to the world, listen to the world.
00:25Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Daryl O'Brien, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Rod Gilbert and Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Tom Stade.
00:45We start with a round called Headliners, here's a picture of Gordon Brown, but what does BLSC stand for?
00:52Is it Brown Lifts See-Through Cucumber?
00:55Did Bungle Loses Showbiz Costume?
01:06Is it Bonnie Langford's sex change?
01:10To be honest, what a world it would be if that's the answer.
01:14More likely to vote for him, if he was Bonnie Langford.
01:17Really?
01:18What an action poster as well, Gordon Brown, because I used to be Bonnie Langford.
01:22If you don't vote for me, I'll scream and scream and scream.
01:25Has he just been asked to describe himself and he's gone, balls like swinging coconuts?
01:33Has he just been asked to describe himself and he's gone, bad leader, shocking Chancellor?
01:38Is it Brown Levitates Scared Child?
01:50The one that's just out of shot.
01:53Has he got nothing to do with Gordon Brown?
01:55Is it Berlusconi's lover, 17?
02:02We all know you spell with a K.
02:05Also, I love the idea that maybe you've just done that and there's a horse at home watching.
02:08He's screaming, bring laxatives, situations critical.
02:21Let me move you towards the correct answer.
02:22Is it Brown's leadership style criticised?
02:25Yes, it is.
02:26Yes, it is.
02:26Yes, it is.
02:26Yes, he is.
02:26Yes, he is.
02:27Yes, he is.
02:27Yes, he is.
02:31Yes, the answer I was looking for was Brown's leadership style criticised.
02:35This is the news that Gordon Brown has come under renewed criticism this week for his style of leadership.
02:39He was compared by one Labour MP to a Mafia boss.
02:43In what way is he possibly like a Mafia boss?
02:45Well, we know for one way he's not, is he?
02:47Because let's face it, if he said to the public, I'll make you an offer you can't refuse, everybody would still go, no.
02:56Is it a case of mistaken identity where somebody thought they woke up next to a horse's head,
03:01but what they'd actually done was just fall asleep in a cabinet meeting next to Margaret Beckett?
03:06Caroline Flint basically got sacked by Brown and then said that the entire cabinet was really laddish.
03:12And you're like, what, Miliband and Alistair Darling?
03:14Oh, oh, oh, oh, watch out.
03:16We're going to Ayah Napa.
03:18He said that Brown was scary and had an intimidating side.
03:22And you think, well, why doesn't he show that to anybody?
03:25Why doesn't he intimidate Al-Qaeda?
03:27Why doesn't he intimidate David Cameron?
03:29Why is it that the personality he chooses to present to the world is of an old woman's cushion
03:34that's been left out in the back garden for cats to piss on you?
03:37Gordon Brown is so devoid of any life that if he was a cartoon character, this is the stage
03:47where they'd be drafting in a sidekick.
03:50Has anyone else sort of puzzled that Gordon Brown's nephew's in the cabinet and that he's
03:55a raccoon?
03:56To be honest, though, Frankie might have hit up on something genius there, because...
04:01Really?
04:02Yeah, no, listen.
04:04Because the Labour Party basically need a new front man, and the raccoon idea's good,
04:09but they should go for that little fella out of the compare the meerkat advert, because
04:13he is possibly the most popular thing in the country.
04:16Yeah, he is.
04:17He is, actually.
04:17Imagine that.
04:18Simple.
04:18Clicks his head.
04:19Economy fixed.
04:20Meerkat!
04:21Why is he Russian?
04:23Why is the meerkat Russian?
04:24I've never...
04:25Was he dressed up in a stately home?
04:26These are...
04:27It's never been made clear to me.
04:30You're making the mistake of imagining that we need something popular to defeat Gordon
04:33Brown.
04:34You know, you don't need a meerkat.
04:35Herpes would beat Gordon Brown.
04:38Let's be honest.
04:39You know, anymore as a sidekick, I don't think herpes would make a good sidekick, you know.
04:43I'm Gordon Brown, and here's my sidekick.
04:45You know, you can see it.
04:45Manifest itself in the corner of my neck.
04:47They said he needs to tone down his dark side.
04:52Yes.
04:52They appear to have confused him with Darth Vader.
04:56But maybe, maybe they're right.
04:57Maybe it's going to turn out, in fact, David Cameron is, in fact, Gordon Brown's son.
05:05We broke it first.
05:06I'd love it that happened.
05:08Because Cameron, by the way, Cameron, big fan of this show, by the way.
05:11Is that right?
05:11I met Cameron during the week in BBC Radio 2, just in the corridor, and he went, hello.
05:16And I went, hello.
05:16And he went, oh, yeah, mocked the week, very good.
05:18That boiled chap.
05:22What did he mean by that, do you think?
05:24I don't know.
05:25We just kind of went, hmm.
05:27Because we both, like, I don't know what to ask.
05:29You should it wasn't just on his hit list to MI5, that boiled chap.
05:33Make it look like an accident.
05:35This was a criticism made by female Labour MPs, wasn't it, because they're not being put in the new cabinet.
05:44Who wants to be put in Gordon Brown's cabinet?
05:46That's like being handed a set of pilot goggles by Emperor Hirohito.
05:49What?
05:57Hazel Blair's complaining that women MPs like them are being used as window dressing.
06:02Have you seen them?
06:03Where would they be window dressing?
06:05London Dungeon?
06:06But here's also the thing, man.
06:09One of the women was sitting there complaining that she couldn't get close to Gordon Brown.
06:14And I'm like, who the hell would want to get close to Gordon Brown?
06:17Who's going to sit there and look at that sexy guy over there with one eye?
06:21I'd sure like to see his moves shake.
06:26I was wondering, maybe Gordon Brown could use his disability to his own advantage.
06:31You know, maybe he could say, oh, well, yes, I did see the recession coming.
06:36I just couldn't tell how far away it was.
06:44There is a Patricia Hewitt, man, in a possibly the same interview, possibly two interviews,
06:50during the week, said that the Cabinet was both laddish and also very Presbyterian.
06:56And there's literally no way in which you could be both laddish and very Presbyterian.
07:01I like fast cars and loose women, but not on the Sabbath.
07:05It's like saying, he's Amish, but he works in IT.
07:10Or he's worthwhile, but he's one of the Jonas Brothers.
07:14Where was Gordon Brown at the weekend?
07:16Oh, he was in Italy for the G8.
07:17He was indeed in Italy for the G8.
07:19Not to be confused with the G20, which is the group of 19 industrial nations and the EU,
07:24or the G45, which is a group of hypoallergenic countries.
07:30It was fantastic to see Gordon Brown looking incredibly uncomfortable as he met Berlusconi.
07:37Berlusconi's sort of like an old-style fixer.
07:39You want pussy, Brown?
07:44You want some blue?
07:45You want blue?
07:45No, I'm just here to talk about trade.
07:47You want a boy?
07:50I get you a boy, Brown.
07:51I get you a girl.
07:52I get you a boy, girl.
07:54Four arms, four legs.
07:55It's like making love to a man spider.
07:57You want me to get rid of the camera?
08:00And I get rid of the camera, Brown.
08:01I make it look like suicide.
08:03Like he fell in love with the man spider.
08:06I'm telling Spanish.
08:07That's how much I love you, Gordon.
08:10He's just moved to Morocco, hasn't he?
08:13You're so right, though.
08:13He does...
08:14Berlusconi probably looks up one of those blokes you meet on a holiday.
08:17Just went, your wife.
08:19No questions would be asked.
08:21Just one night.
08:21Just one night.
08:22Just stuffing money into your hand.
08:24You, me, pedalo, her.
08:27No, where'd he go?
08:28Let me sleep with your wife.
08:29No, no, go away.
08:30And then you'd hear him walk away, and at the next table,
08:32let me sleep with your wife.
08:34No, go away.
08:36He's amazing.
08:37I mean, to be honest, Berlusconi really puts Brown into perspective.
08:39Because did you see when they had those horrific Italian earthquakes,
08:43Berlusconi said to the survivors, and I quote,
08:45Hey, don't worry about it.
08:48Pretend you're on holiday.
08:49The shocking thing about that is finding out what a good impression I do
08:55of Samuel Berlusconi.
08:58Berlusconi is, like, terrifying.
08:59He looks like this sort of guy who, if you told him to go fuck himself,
09:02he'd give it a try.
09:08Too awkward.
09:11A brief amount of fact back to something.
09:13Because you know where the G8 film was held?
09:15Lack-a-lack-a-squawk-a-lack-a.
09:18I could never pronounce that word.
09:19That's okay.
09:20It is a night of bad Italian impersonation.
09:22It is.
09:22So we'll let you in.
09:23But he went, it was, it was, it was, it's called alchilis.
09:25It's where the earthquake was, and he took them there.
09:27It was very symbolic and all that.
09:28But nonetheless, even that place, he visited at the time of the, uh, of the earthquake.
09:33Yeah.
09:33And went up to one of the doctors, put his arm around it when she was dealing with the situation,
09:37and said, I wouldn't mind being resuscitated by you, right?
09:42During the actual visit, they thought there was an aftershock during the visit,
09:46but it was just his headboard banging through it.
09:50Can I just say in this photo, if you look at Nicholas Sarkozy there?
09:53Yeah.
09:58I'm just taking a break, man.
10:00I'm just taking a break for doing this show.
10:05Brown just looks like his polygrip's come undone.
10:08It looks like the world's first conjoined quintuplets on their epic Everest climb.
10:22Mind you, there was one interesting controversy during the GAs.
10:27I'm not a particularly serious one.
10:28But what happened during the photocop?
10:30Oh, was this the thing where they were supposed to be checking out a woman's arse?
10:33That is exactly it, yeah.
10:34I mean, this is how much the world's press went.
10:36Yeah, there's Obama.
10:37I'm, uh, checking the booty of a 16-year-old Brazilian delegate.
10:42She's a 16-year-old Brazilian, but she's also Berlusconi's Minister of Defence.
10:49Just to be fair, by the way, to Obama, it is just a...
10:53There's a million photographs taken,
10:54they get one that looks a little bit like he was,
10:56unlike, say, this photograph,
10:58in which he's very definitely...
11:00checking it out.
11:03It's like somebody's turned Berlusconi off at the back there.
11:06It's Obama, isn't it?
11:13Obama's steered the climate change bill through America,
11:16and he's done very well at the conferences and stuff.
11:18I think because he's been statesman-like,
11:20because he's just done the easy conferences,
11:21what I want to see is Obama having a huge fallout
11:25with the religious leaders of Tibet
11:26so that I can see the headline,
11:28Obama-Lama-Ding-Dom.
11:29At the end of that round,
11:34the boys go to Frankie, Hugh, and Tom.
11:39Now we play a round called Loose Men.
11:42This game involves Andy, Rod, Tom, and Russell,
11:46so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
11:49This is where we test our performance stand-up skills.
11:51We spin our news generator, it settles on the topic,
11:53and anyone can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject.
11:56The winners and the people I judge who produce the funniest stuff.
11:58OK, here we go.
12:00Let's spin the wheel.
12:03The first subject is Credit Crunch.
12:05Who wants to come in on that?
12:06Andy Parsons.
12:07Now, the government have got this idea
12:11that what they want to do with bankers who've lost their jobs,
12:15they want to retrain them as teachers,
12:17but in half the time,
12:19it would normally take to train a teacher.
12:22I bet the teachers are happy about that, aren't they?
12:25Eh?
12:25These people were crap at banking.
12:27The chances are they're also going to be crap at teaching,
12:30and they'll be even crapper if they're trying to train them
12:33in half the time it would normally take.
12:35Yeah, these people, right?
12:38Surely it'd be better to retrain them as bankers.
12:40That is what they will crap at.
12:45Well done, Andy Parsons.
12:50OK, let's spin the wheel again.
12:53The subject is eating out.
12:57Who wants to talk about that?
12:58Rod.
12:58I, er...
13:01I ate out the other day.
13:05That's what...
13:06I went to Cardiff Bay.
13:08It's all changed, you know.
13:09They've done it all up,
13:10and it's all European development money,
13:11and some of the places now I've got tables outside.
13:15It's alfresco dining in Wales.
13:18I was taking the piss.
13:20I think I tried to have a Twixt on a bus stop a few years ago down there.
13:23It was too wet to eat.
13:24I was like...
13:25So, everyone's pretending it's Madrid down there.
13:28You know, your soup bowl's filling up faster than you can eat it.
13:30I didn't get past my starters after seven hours of soup and rainwater I gave up.
13:38Everyone's pretending it's Madrid, don't you?
13:39Your soup bowl's filling up.
13:40There's waiters with frosted eyebrows fighting their way to the tables going,
13:44Spaghetti Carbonara!
13:46Spaghetti Carbonara!
13:48I'll get another one!
13:49I'll get another one!
13:52Whatever!
13:53Whatever!
13:57That leaves us with Tom and Russell.
13:59Let's spin the wheel.
14:00The next subject is extreme sports.
14:04Who wants to come in on that?
14:04Oh, well...
14:06No, don't.
14:07Why not?
14:08I went skydiving.
14:09I don't know if anybody here has ever gone skydiving,
14:12but if you haven't gone, I'll tell you what they do.
14:16They give you a couple of lessons,
14:18then they bring you up into the plane,
14:20and you're not allowed to jump out of the plane on your own
14:24because it's too scary.
14:27So what they do is they hang you off the wing of the plane,
14:33which isn't scary at all.
14:38And the guy inside, he yells,
14:41Let go!
14:43Three times.
14:45Then he gets mad.
14:47Starts kicking your hands.
14:54Because I'm not letting go.
15:03We all skydive different.
15:05I skydive with a big plane in my head.
15:10That's what I'm saying.
15:15Okay, Russell, let's see what you've been left with.
15:17Let's spin the wheel.
15:20Topic is families.
15:21Well, families are quite peculiar.
15:26Mine are wonderful.
15:27I went to Brighton the other day,
15:29and my uncle was like,
15:29Watch out, it's full of gays.
15:31And they'll get you.
15:32They'll get me.
15:33The gays are not ninjas.
15:36I'm so glad I was raised by lunatics.
15:39I remember one of the weirdest stories I had happened to me
15:41when I was little.
15:41I was eight years old.
15:42I was in Lanzarote.
15:43I'd just put some rubbish in a bin.
15:44I came around a corner,
15:45and I was confronted by two werewolves, right?
15:48Turned out it wasn't werewolves.
15:49It was my mum and dad.
15:50Ah, ha, ha.
15:51Isn't it hilarious?
15:52Not really.
15:52I've shat this out, right?
15:55But I've only recently found out
15:56they did not buy the wolf masks in Lanzarote.
16:00They bought them in England,
16:01which is beautiful and chilling at the same time.
16:05Look what I've got, David.
16:06Couple of wolf masks.
16:07You know, they're like wolves, don't you?
16:08Captain Shitterbrick next door.
16:11Well, let's put them on now.
16:12Scare him.
16:13Can I hold you just there, David?
16:15Can I wait until we're in a foreign country
16:17getting really out of his comfort zone,
16:19and then properly shit him out?
16:23Family.
16:24Well, then wrap up.
16:25Point it in and go to Rod and Tom.
16:33Our next round is called
16:35If this is the answer,
16:36what is the question?
16:37On the board are six categories.
16:38Rod, which category would you like?
16:40The media, please.
16:41The media, okay.
16:43The answer is one million.
16:44What is the question?
16:46How many Asian children
16:48are Brad and Angelina planning to adopt?
16:52How many times could I punch
16:55Adrian Childs in the face
16:56without making him uglier?
16:58Is it in a poll of one million people?
17:05How many people hate Cristiano Ronaldo?
17:10Is it in a poll?
17:13Yeah.
17:13Clearly neither he nor his mother
17:14were in the poll, then.
17:16No.
17:16Is it how many men
17:18will take their kids
17:19to watch Harry Potter this week
17:21simply to see
17:22how Hermione's getting along?
17:28Is it in 20 years' time,
17:30what will be the size
17:32of the black nation
17:33that Madonna rules?
17:36Is it how many
17:37nectar points do you need
17:39to get a set of tumblers?
17:41Tumblers.
17:43How much of the money
17:44that Amy Winehouse
17:45made from the song
17:46Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab
17:48has she spent on rehab?
17:51Is it by what percentage
17:53would the situation
17:54in the Middle East
17:54be improved
17:55if we gave George Bush
17:56to the Taliban?
18:02Is it what number
18:04would you get
18:04if you took everybody
18:05in Scotland
18:06who gave a shit
18:07about the ashes
18:08and added one million?
18:11Is it the number
18:13it's something to do
18:13with the phone tapping thing?
18:14It is something to do
18:15with the phone tapping, yeah.
18:16Is it the number
18:16of conversations
18:17of John Prescott's
18:18they had to listen to
18:18before they got one
18:19without the words
18:19party bucket in it?
18:22What it is,
18:23is the amount
18:24of celebrities
18:25that were on a list
18:25that they were going to...
18:26Not one million.
18:27How long a list?
18:29How long a list
18:30would that be?
18:31Is the amount
18:31of things the word
18:32had to paid out
18:33so far
18:34to people who
18:35have accused them
18:36of tapping
18:37they thought seven...
18:37Well done,
18:38well done,
18:38give it.
18:38There you go.
18:41The question
18:43I was looking for
18:43was what is the minimum
18:44amount in pounds
18:45that the Guardian
18:46claims that the news
18:47of the world
18:47has already paid
18:48in out-of-court settlements
18:49to victims
18:50of the phone tapping
18:50scandal.
18:51This money was said
18:52to be paid
18:52to settle legal cases
18:53that threatened
18:54to reveal evidence
18:54of journalists
18:55possible use
18:56of criminal methods
18:57to get stories.
18:58So who is alleged
18:59to have their
18:59had their phones tapped?
19:00Unbelievable people
19:01like Patsy Kensett.
19:03How hard can it be
19:04to find out
19:04what Patsy Kensett's doing?
19:05She'll show you her tits
19:07for 50 pounds
19:07in quick tokens.
19:09You know,
19:10John Prescott,
19:11what are you going to learn
19:11from John Prescott's
19:13phone bill?
19:13He's having an affair
19:14with someone called
19:15Domino's.
19:17Vanessa Feltz
19:19they got as well,
19:20didn't they?
19:20Vanessa Feltz
19:21said that she knew
19:21that her phone,
19:22she suspected her phone
19:23was being tapped
19:23because when she went
19:24to a restaurant
19:25there were some
19:26photographers waiting
19:27for her
19:27and how did they know
19:28that she was going
19:29to eat?
19:30And you think,
19:30it's because you're
19:31Vanessa Feltz!
19:32Maybe they just
19:34followed the same
19:34trail of cake crumbs
19:36that led her there.
19:37Maybe they just
19:38hung about outside
19:39Greg's and got lucky.
19:42It was,
19:43it was,
19:43it was an astonishingly
19:45low-rent collection
19:46of people.
19:47I mean,
19:47it just,
19:48being Feltz,
19:48Anne Robinson,
19:50Boris Johnson,
19:51if it had,
19:52this is the end
19:52with Molly Sugden,
19:53Barry Chuckle
19:54and Peppa Pig,
19:55it couldn't have been
19:56less impressive
19:57as a series
19:58of high-profile acclaimers.
19:59My favourite,
20:00one of them
20:00was tapping
20:01Nigella Lawson.
20:02Imagine that
20:03as a job.
20:04You've got like
20:04an upper-class
20:05sex line
20:05and just be there
20:06going,
20:06I'm thinking
20:06about making
20:07creme brulee.
20:08You're like,
20:08oh,
20:08can I swap
20:09with someone?
20:10I've had an erection
20:10for seven days.
20:13I missed this.
20:13They phone-tapped
20:14Nigella.
20:15Yeah,
20:15I thought there was
20:16a lot of interference
20:17in the webcam
20:18I'd hidden in my toilet.
20:21They've spent
20:21a million pounds
20:23finding out
20:23Nigella lost
20:24getting the secret
20:25of a perfect
20:26Yorkshire pudding.
20:27She's written
20:28a book about it.
20:30They taped a call
20:31between Gordon
20:32Taylor,
20:33the head of the
20:33PFA,
20:34and Alan Shearer.
20:36How did that make
20:37bigger news?
20:37It must have been
20:38knocked off page one
20:39by a story about
20:40the rising price
20:41of sheds.
20:43News of the world,
20:44didn't they?
20:45They said,
20:45we have always been
20:46known for our
20:47credibility,
20:48integrity,
20:49and journalistic
20:50standards.
20:52Now,
20:52that doesn't need
20:53a punchline,
20:54does it?
20:55It wasn't like
20:56some fantastic
20:57technological thing
20:58where they,
20:58you know,
20:58they were using
20:59satellite,
21:00like that
21:00Will Smith movie
21:02where they're
21:02tracking stuff
21:03at the table,
21:03like geostationary
21:05orbiter.
21:06It was just
21:06they ring up
21:07the number
21:08and presume
21:08that you hadn't
21:09changed the code.
21:10So it just had
21:11zero,
21:11zero,
21:11zero,
21:11zero,
21:12one,
21:12two,
21:12three,
21:12four,
21:13and then
21:13they got
21:13all your
21:13asking machine.
21:14It is,
21:14it is,
21:15it is a heist
21:16on the level
21:17of just ringing
21:18these people's
21:18houses and
21:20whoever answers
21:20going,
21:20hey,
21:21it's me,
21:21any messages?
21:22And hoping
21:23that they didn't
21:23recognise that
21:24it wasn't your
21:25voice.
21:25You sound strange.
21:26I've got a cold.
21:27Any messages?
21:29They haven't got a
21:30name for it,
21:31have they?
21:31Because scandals
21:32always have a name,
21:33so there's always
21:33something in Gates,
21:34isn't it?
21:34So you get Ron
21:35Gate or Camilla
21:36Gate,
21:36and this would have
21:37to be Stargate,
21:37although they didn't
21:38do with Jackie
21:40Smith's husband,
21:41they avoided it there
21:42because that would
21:42have to be
21:43Mastigate.
21:46Maybe it's changed
21:47that that's...
21:47Something strange
21:48isn't about them
21:49taping phone calls
21:50by footballers?
21:51Have you met
21:51footballers?
21:52Yeah,
21:52I met quite a few
21:53footballers,
21:53right?
21:54It's just basically
21:55like talking to
21:56people who are
21:56like eight years
21:57old.
21:58Like a conversation
21:59between footballers
21:59is like,
22:00oh,
22:00all right,
22:00Jamie Redknapp,
22:01did you have
22:02red sauce or brown
22:03sauce with your
22:04dinner?
22:04I don't know,
22:05who's your
22:06favourite
22:06transformer,
22:07Alan?
22:07Some of them
22:09are quite funny.
22:10Peter Crouch
22:11was asked
22:11what he'd be
22:12if he wasn't
22:13a footballer
22:13and he went,
22:14probably a virgin.
22:15That is...
22:16That's a pretty
22:17funny, man.
22:17That's a pretty
22:18good line.
22:20And what I love
22:20about that,
22:21if Crouch is
22:21watching,
22:21he's probably
22:22sat out there
22:22going,
22:22that's my joke.
22:23Do we live?
22:24Oh, boy.
22:26Not just a virgin,
22:27Peter,
22:27a virgin in a
22:28circus.
22:31Come and see
22:33the ladder
22:34man.
22:38He would be
22:39the daddy
22:40long legs
22:40man,
22:41because they'd
22:41have stuck
22:41other ones,
22:42because he's
22:42so spindly
22:42and he'd be
22:43doing this
22:43carpet version.
22:45Do you know
22:45how can Tim Burton
22:46sees Peter Crouch
22:47and just feels
22:48really depressed
22:49about his own
22:49imagination?
22:51So much
22:52better than that.
22:54He's like the
22:55Nightmare Before
22:55Christmas
22:56made real.
22:58Did anyone
22:59see the interview
23:00with Jackie
23:01Smith in
23:01The Guardian?
23:02I don't really
23:03read the news
23:03of the world.
23:05She said,
23:06didn't she,
23:06she said,
23:07she was talking
23:07about the story,
23:08right,
23:09where she said
23:10the husband
23:10had been found
23:11having a porn
23:12film,
23:13and she said
23:13it was the
23:14most embarrassing
23:15story possible.
23:16If I was married
23:17to Jackie
23:18Smith,
23:18I'd be watching
23:19porn.
23:20I'd be having
23:21porn piped
23:21directly into
23:22my eyes
23:23like a
23:23clockwork orange.
23:25Like electrodes
23:26taking porn
23:27into different
23:28parts of my
23:28brain like a
23:29monkey in an
23:30anti-vivisection
23:30poster.
23:31The best thing
23:32about this
23:33was the way
23:33the different
23:34papers reported
23:35it.
23:35When he got
23:36caught watching
23:36the porn,
23:36The Guardian
23:37basically just
23:38went,
23:38isn't it awful,
23:39poor guy,
23:39can you imagine
23:40it?
23:40The Daily Mail
23:41actually compared
23:42Jackie Smith
23:42to Al Capone.
23:43The Sun
23:44simply suggested
23:45a list of
23:46films he may
23:46have watched.
23:49One of which,
23:50one of which
23:50was called,
23:51no,
23:52one of which
23:52was called
23:52Anal Boutique,
23:54and I've seen
23:54that,
23:54it's rubbish,
23:55it's just about,
23:56it is,
23:56it's just about a
23:57lady with a
23:57really tidy
23:58shop.
23:59I know.
24:00I'm not
24:00telling you.
24:01You've got people
24:02queuing up,
24:03though,
24:03I mean,
24:03it's a general rule
24:04of life,
24:05people who live
24:05in glass houses
24:06should masturbate
24:07in the basement.
24:08That's a rule I
24:08strongly believe.
24:13OK,
24:14at the end of the round,
24:15the points go to
24:15Russell,
24:15Rod and Andy.
24:22Now we come
24:23to our final
24:24twist-by round
24:25scenes we'd like
24:26to see.
24:26This is for
24:27everyone,
24:27so if you could
24:28make your way
24:28over to the
24:29performance area,
24:29please.
24:30I call it ideas
24:31for scenarios we'd
24:31love to see,
24:32and the performers
24:32come in with
24:33their suggestions.
24:35OK,
24:35here we go.
24:36The first subject
24:37is unlikely things
24:39to hear on a
24:39survival show.
24:41I was first
24:42taught to eat
24:42in the bush
24:43by a French girl
24:44I went out with
24:44at university.
24:49To get the fish,
24:50break the ice,
24:52jump the checkout,
24:53and run!
24:55Not only is this
24:57lake good for fish,
24:59but we can also
24:59put a body in it.
25:03Using excrement,
25:05mud,
25:05and twigs,
25:06they've made
25:07primitive bedding
25:08here at the
25:09Premier Travel Lodge.
25:14I'm in the Congo,
25:15let's sell this
25:16once and for all.
25:17Do you boys
25:17like Umbungo?
25:18Here I am
25:25in the jungle,
25:27the mighty jungle.
25:29I win my way,
25:30I win my way,
25:31I win...
25:32But who
25:34are the truly
25:35civilised?
25:37Is it the
25:37Mbupi tribe,
25:38or is it us
25:39with our books,
25:40our medicine,
25:41and our internet?
25:42Oh yes,
25:42it's us.
25:43Of course,
25:50food is a
25:50scarce and
25:51valuable resource
25:52to these tribespeople,
25:53so I've just
25:54bagged myself
25:54two nights
25:55with this
25:55fella's wife
25:56for a twix.
26:03You know,
26:03Ant and Dec
26:04think that
26:05their jungle's
26:05pretty tough.
26:06Well,
26:06they joined me
26:07today,
26:07there was no
26:07food,
26:08so I
26:09ate them.
26:09The villagers
26:14get up early
26:14and walk
26:15five miles
26:15to fetch
26:16clean water
26:17every day,
26:17which begs
26:18the question,
26:18why not
26:19move the
26:19village closer?
26:23The strong,
26:24powerful sun
26:25is making me
26:26sweat.
26:27Oh shit,
26:27here comes
26:28his dad!
26:34I've been
26:35living in these
26:35woods for
26:35three weeks
26:36now,
26:37but that's
26:37what happens
26:37if you're
26:38married to
26:38the Home
26:38Secretary
26:38and she
26:39catches you
26:39watching
26:39porn.
26:43I'm Bear
26:44Grylls
26:45and this
26:45is my
26:45brother,
26:46Wolf
26:46Stir Fry.
26:53I've just
26:53achieved my
26:54life's
26:55ambition
26:55of climbing
26:56Everest
26:57with no
26:57food
26:58and no
26:58equipment.
27:00Now do
27:00you love
27:00me,
27:01daddy!
27:02Now do
27:02you love
27:03me!
27:05OK,
27:06the next
27:06topic is
27:07unlikely thing
27:09to read
27:10on a packet.
27:11Ragout sauce,
27:13if you gave
27:13this to
27:14someone who
27:14is actually
27:15from Italy,
27:16they'd punch
27:16you in the
27:17face.
27:17to open,
27:24push down
27:25tab,
27:25break tab,
27:26swear repeatedly,
27:27stab with a
27:28pair of
27:28scissors!
27:33Serves
27:34four,
27:35you greedy
27:35bastard.
27:36Now put
27:36some of that
27:37back.
27:37Viagra are
27:43proud sponsors
27:44of Andy
27:45Murray,
27:45for people
27:46who can
27:46only ever
27:47achieve a
27:47semi.
27:50Right.
27:54Bag may
27:55also be
27:56used for
27:56autoerotic
27:57asphyxiation.
28:01Fair trade
28:02coffee,
28:03if you don't
28:03like it,
28:04you're racist.
28:05sunny delight
28:11counts towards
28:12your five a
28:12day as
28:13minus two.
28:17To stop
28:18diarrhoea,
28:19take one
28:19teaspoon and
28:20shove it up
28:21your arse.
28:26Adults and
28:27children over
28:2712 years,
28:28try not to
28:29get those two
28:29mixed up.
28:30cup of
28:35soup,
28:36just add
28:37soup.
28:40Best before
28:41date,
28:42rehypnol.
28:47Serving
28:47suggestion,
28:48on a plate,
28:49you thick
28:50moron.
28:53We use
28:54only the
28:54very cheapest
28:55horse meat
28:56to make
28:56fuck it,
28:57it's just
28:58a cat.
29:00Give that
29:01round of
29:01points to
29:02Frankie,
29:02Hugh and
29:02Tom.
29:10That is
29:11the end
29:11of the
29:12show.
29:12This
29:12week's
29:12winners are
29:13Frankie Boyd,
29:14Hugh Dennis and
29:14Tom Stade.
29:19Commiserations
29:20to Andy
29:21Parsons,
29:21Rod Gilbert
29:22and Russell
29:22Howard.
29:23More from
29:34the inventor
29:35who invents
29:36things before
29:36they've been
29:37invented.
29:37That Mitchell
29:38and Webb look
29:38on the way
29:39next.
29:40And Joy's
29:40babies proving
29:41to be a bit
29:42of a nightmare
29:42at bedtime.
29:43Psychoville's
29:44coming up at
29:4410 here on
29:45BBC2.
29:46We will
29:50have to
29:51Fade
29:54to
29:54Video
29:55of
29:56которое
29:56has to
29:57do
29:57of
29:57the
29:57weapons
29:58are
30:01th Χ
30:02and
30:03搶
30:03of
30:03the
30:04war
30:04of
30:04all
30:04in
30:05the
30:05spirit
30:06as
30:06a
30:07People
30:08who
30:08did
30:08the
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