Mock the Week - Season 5 Episode 09- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Mark Watson, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Jo Caulfield
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00:00About the things that happen throughout the world
00:03Don't believe in everything you see out here
00:09Read all about it
00:13Read all about it
00:16News of the world, news of the world
00:18Read all about it
00:21Read all about it
00:24News of the world, news of the world
00:30Hello and welcome to Moth the Week
00:33I'm Dara Breen
00:34Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne, Russell Howard
00:38Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Alan Cochran
00:41Our first round is called Headliners
00:49Here's a picture of former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott
00:52A typical statesman-like pose
00:54But what does PTSD stand for?
00:57Penis tickle surprises drunk
00:59Is it put that sausage down?
01:04Is it Prescott to swallow Dorset?
01:11How about Prescott's testicles suddenly descend?
01:16I think it's Prescott's tired scrotum disintegrates
01:22Is he doing an impression of a Japanese highwayman
01:27And saying, please to stand and deliver?
01:33Because after scrotum that was never going to work
01:35He was never going to work
01:36There's always a dirty one
01:38And then there's somebody who has to take a bullet
01:39So the audience get over the dirty one
01:41Thank you very much for doing that
01:43Could it be Posh's terrible surgery disaster?
01:49Is it just pies, twixes, sausages, dumplings?
01:53Then it's essentially the mother load of Prescott is factual, isn't it?
01:58The mother load is pulmonary thrombosis sudden death
02:03Is it Prescott tries shagging donut?
02:07In fairness, that'd be quite easy, wouldn't it?
02:12If you've got a ring, wide stroke
02:13Is it Prescott?
02:15In fact, if you've got a jam one
02:16It's actually much more satisfying
02:17You're right
02:17That's why Ed stays around Dorset
02:20The studio draw is a correct answer
02:23Prescott tries speed dating
02:24That's not it
02:27Prescott tries sexy dance
02:29Prescott tries swallowing dwarf
02:32Prescott's testicles shaved daily
02:36Is it Prescott?
02:39Have we got that right?
02:40Prescott, you're Prescott
02:42Prescott to stand down
02:45It's exactly the correct answer
02:47Very good
02:47The answer I was looking for was
02:52Prescott to stand down
02:54Refers to the 69-year-olds
02:56Announcing that he will retire as an MP
02:58At the next election
02:59After 37 years in the Commons
03:01He's expected to write his memoirs
03:03And enter the House of Lords
03:0469, he doesn't look bad
03:06Actually, doesn't look bad for 69
03:08He looks like he's finally found a taste he doesn't like
03:11He's alright though, Prescott, I reckon
03:15You're okay with Prescott?
03:16I've got a fan of Prescott
03:18We're going to suffer as comedians
03:20Once he's gone
03:21He said brilliantly
03:23After he'd had the affair
03:24After he'd had the affair
03:26And he'd gone to the ranch
03:27For that bloke in the States
03:28But people were mostly thinking about the affair
03:30He went on the Today programme
03:31And he said
03:31I want to be judged
03:32By how I am on the job
03:35I want to see his memoirs
03:39It's going to be like
03:39The Doomsday Book of Food
03:411997 was a very important year for me
03:46Because Marathon changed its name
03:48To Snickers
03:49Is it called Sex, Lies and Battenberg Cake?
03:56The Life of Pies
03:58He's going to walk into a lot of directorships now, isn't he?
04:02Gangsters, free bento, mandos
04:04What I like about Prescott
04:07Is he'll use the money that he makes
04:09Getting onto the gravy train
04:10To create an actual gravy train
04:12Anyone else get any fat jokes?
04:15A little hash there
04:16We'll be an exhaustive fat jokes soon enough
04:19But brilliantly
04:20He's now got a job in Europe, hasn't he?
04:23Yes, he has
04:23He's representative to some European
04:24Sort of parliament thing
04:26In which he will have the distinction
04:28Of being the only English politician
04:29Ever to be simultaneously translated
04:31Into English
04:33We also used to say
04:36They used to really panic
04:38Every summer there was a thing about how
04:39When Tony Blair was on holiday
04:41John Prescott was left in charge of the country
04:43And everybody went
04:44Oh my God, Prescott's in charge of the country
04:45And you think actually
04:46That's much less dangerous
04:47Than him leaving the country
04:49On some parliament
04:50Like John Prescott sorting out Middle East peace
04:52Going, I'm here to sort out Middle East peace
04:55But frankly
04:56If somebody hits you, twat them
04:57So the gist is
05:00When Blair goes away
05:02He was basically the summer prime minister
05:03Yeah
05:04Yeah, nice
05:05Nice way of putting it
05:06This is the first summer
05:07In which he hasn't been
05:08Summer prime minister
05:09And we've had foot and mouth
05:10Terrorist attacks
05:11And giant flooding across the country
05:13Are you suggesting he's some form of overlord?
05:17But seemingly he was quietly
05:18Playing a blinder
05:19For all these years
05:20He could have prevented the flooding
05:21If he just lay down next to the river
05:23A human flood bank
05:28That doesn't stop flooding
05:31That just moves flooding further up the river
05:34I'm sorry
05:35But I don't know as much about flood defences as you do
05:38Honestly, if a new London flood barrier
05:42Is going to cost 20 billion quid
05:43It's worth just dropping him in
05:44To see if it works
05:45Should we wedge him in first
05:49And see if it works
05:49In the, um
05:51Although he was an MP for 37 years
05:53Every time
05:54Because he used to be a steward
05:56On cruise ships
05:57That's where he started
05:58He was a steward on cruise ships
05:59Nicholas Soames
06:00Is the big
06:01Huge
06:02Fat one
06:02From the Conservative Party
06:04Every time
06:05John Prescott
06:06Walked into the chamber
06:07To make a point
06:07Nicholas Soames went
06:09Gin and tonic
06:10Please, steward
06:11Nicholas Soames
06:13Of course
06:13Who was described
06:14Wasn't it
06:14When he was like
06:15Somebody said
06:16Oh what was it like
06:16Having sex with Nicholas Soames
06:18And they said
06:18It was like a wardrobe
06:20Falling on you
06:20With a very small key
06:22It's an amazing video
06:28From MFI
06:29That
06:29Falling wardrobes
06:32What won't
06:34While we're discussing
06:35These things
06:35What won't
06:36Camilla Parker Bowles
06:36Be doing on Friday
06:37Not going to the
06:38Diana tribute
06:40It is, yeah
06:40The reason being
06:41Of course
06:42Is that she shouldn't go
06:43Obviously
06:44You know
06:44She was the one
06:45Who's partly responsible
06:46For them breaking up
06:47In the first place
06:48Who else are they
06:49Thinking of inviting
06:49That's going to be
06:50Totally inappropriate
06:51Is James Hewitt
06:52Going to be there
06:52Are the paparazzi
06:54Going to be there
06:55Are they going to invite
06:55The safety bloke
06:56From Mercedes Benz
06:58She's not responsible
07:01For it
07:02It seems like
07:03You know
07:03She was just on
07:04For the breakup
07:04Of the marriage
07:05But it's not responsible
07:06For the death
07:07She wouldn't have been
07:07In Paris
07:08If it hadn't been
07:09For her
07:09I don't think
07:10Yes she would
07:10What?
07:11What?
07:12What?
07:13Good word
07:13Did Camilla book her flight?
07:17The thing is
07:18As long as Camilla
07:19Like doesn't arrive
07:20At the party
07:20On the back of a scooter
07:22Taking photographs
07:23I don't even see
07:24What so distaste
07:26But once again
07:26It's meant that
07:27The Daily Express
07:28Has been able to have
07:29Headlines every week
07:30On Diana
07:31I mean who buys
07:32The Daily Express
07:33Who is
07:34She's been dead
07:35For ten years
07:36Who goes
07:36Well she has been dead
07:38For ten years
07:38But I wonder if
07:39In the last 24 hours
07:41Something tropical
07:42Has happened
07:43That would be good
07:44What would be good
07:45Would be if
07:45On the day of the memorial
07:46The Daily Express
07:47Just didn't mention it
07:48You know
07:49You've literally mentioned it
07:51Every day
07:51Apart from
07:52The early edition
07:53On 9-11
07:54We already have
07:58Don't we
07:58The Diana Memorial
07:59Which was supposed to
08:01You know
08:01Show the joy
08:02And grief
08:03Of her life
08:04And I think that
08:05It's succeeded
08:05Completely
08:06You know
08:07You've got the joy
08:08Haven't you
08:08Of splashing about
08:09In the fountain
08:10And the grief
08:12Of slipping over
08:13On the leaves
08:13And smacking your head
08:15What could be
08:16A better tribute
08:17Not to mention
08:18The fact that
08:19It's shaped like
08:20In racetrack
08:20It's brilliant
08:26We've got this
08:26Horrible fountain
08:27And Paris
08:28Got that wonderful
08:29Beautiful
08:30Please slow down
08:31In the tunnel
08:31Sign
08:31It is difficult
08:36For Camilla
08:37To get it right
08:37Though isn't it
08:38She can't go
08:38To the concert
08:39She can't go
08:40To the tribute
08:40Day
08:41It's hard to think
08:42Of a time
08:43When it will be
08:43Right for her
08:44To attend
08:44Any Diana event
08:46You know
08:46Oh and here
08:47Is Camilla
08:48Looking resplendent
08:49At the Diana
08:50Paintballing afternoon
08:52What else
08:54Not particularly funny
08:55Is the way
08:55In which
08:56The public
08:56Get angry
08:57As if
08:58As if
08:58They have
08:59Any say
09:00In this
09:00As if
09:01You know
09:02No she shouldn't
09:02Be queen
09:03No it's a monarchy
09:04You don't get
09:06To pick
09:06That's the way
09:08A monarchy works
09:09If you want
09:10A presidency
09:11Vote for a president
09:12But you're either
09:13One way
09:13Or the other
09:14You can't go
09:14Oh we should have
09:15Her
09:16She is essentially
09:18In this situation
09:19She is that relative
09:20Who you invite
09:22To the wedding
09:22In the fervent hope
09:24That they can read
09:25Through the lukewarm
09:26Tone of the card
09:27And go
09:28Let's not go
09:29And you go
09:30Yes
09:31Two more seats
09:32For my college friends
09:33Do you know
09:34Why she's not going
09:35It's because
09:35The queen's advisor
09:37Told the queen
09:37That she shouldn't go
09:38And you find
09:39That must be
09:40Such a dull job
09:41Being the queen's advisor
09:42Honey or jam
09:44On the tip
09:45Jam
09:45I thought she wasn't going
09:48Because she was running
09:49In the quarter past three
09:49At chip still
09:50You know
09:51You know you get those
09:53You know you get those
09:54Celebrity sat-navs now
09:56You can actually get a Diana one
09:58It just keeps saying
09:59Put your foot down
10:00I think we can lose them
10:01Welcome to material
10:05That won't be broadcast
10:06There's so much
10:07We should give you a card
10:09At the start
10:09And you can write down
10:10Stuff I won't expect
10:12To see when this goes on
10:13And you can do it
10:15As a gamble
10:15With your mates
10:16That's not going in
10:17Oh I think they might
10:17Risk that one
10:18It's also the anniversary
10:20Of Elvis dying
10:21This month isn't it
10:22They're becoming
10:23Strangely conflated
10:23Aren't they
10:24Well people still think
10:25That Elvis faked his death
10:27Surely if you were
10:28Going to fake your death
10:29It wouldn't be
10:30In a shitting related accident
10:32They'd be doing something
10:35Brave rescuing a wee boy
10:36From a river
10:37Surely not a jobby
10:38Related heart attack
10:39It's not how I'd like
10:42To remember
10:42You might criticise
10:45Camilla's possible
10:46Attendance by the way
10:47Was it Ray Mears
10:48The survivalist
10:48When pressed for comment
10:52No obviously
10:54It was the Daily Mail
10:56Possibly took it too far
10:57The Daily Mail's quote was
10:59But her attendants said
11:01Had Camilla attended Friday
11:02They would all have been
11:04Damned
11:05That's not over the top
11:07In any way
11:07What to happen
11:08Do you know
11:09I've done a computer programme
11:10That works out
11:11What the Daily Mail's
11:12Average headline is
11:13And it's
11:14Asylum seekers
11:15Carry a new type of AIDS
11:16That lowers house prices
11:18Who won't be there
11:22Do you know who won't be there
11:23Ray Mears
11:24Ray Mears won't be there
11:25Ray Mears won't be there
11:26Osama Bin Laden
11:27Won't be there
11:28It's a much longer list
11:30Than who will be there
11:31It is
11:31But you won't be there
11:34Fantastic
11:34What about both the chuckles
11:36Because I won't be there
11:36No one of them
11:37One of them is going
11:38That's why they're spitting up
11:39On the day
11:40Terry
11:41Terry chuckle
11:43Barry
11:44Barry
11:46Barry
11:47Barry
11:48Barry and the one who looks like a pedo
11:49The other one
11:50He's proper
11:52The one
11:53The other one looks like a pedo
11:54The other one looks like a pedo
11:56But if they were separated
11:57You'd both
11:57You're both
11:58The last thing you want to hear from a pedo
12:00Is to me
12:01To you
12:01I've got to be honest
12:09On my not getting in bingo
12:11I'm putting a little tick by that one
12:13Irish comedian Kevin Hayes
12:16Used to do a very good joke
12:17About the fact that
12:17Everyone thought Lady Diana
12:18Was so great
12:19Just because she shook hands
12:20With a few AIDS victims
12:21Freddie Mercury used to fuck them
12:23Also
12:29Not getting in
12:30The Queen won't be there
12:32Because she's on her holidays
12:34How does the Queen know
12:35If she's on holiday
12:36She doesn't fucking do anything
12:37We're going to India next week
12:44Is it work or a holiday?
12:46I have no idea
12:47I wander around waving at people
12:49Could well be work
12:51Talking of people who don't do anything for work
12:54Of course
12:54Obviously Prince Harry
12:55He was supposed to be in Iraq
12:57Wasn't he?
12:57He was
12:57They decided all not to take him
12:58Because he actually works
13:00Doesn't he?
13:00For the household cavalry
13:01And part of his job
13:03Is actually looking after the Queen
13:04So he was probably looking for a job
13:06Working from home
13:07Wasn't he?
13:08Roll out of bed
13:09You alright, Grant?
13:11Yep, I'm fine
13:12Great
13:13Back to bed again
13:14Give him a shout
13:16If you feel anything
13:17Also, Carrie
13:18It does sound like
13:18You sort of clean
13:19George Foreman grills all day
13:20I'll never get this house done
13:23We should call the cavalry
13:24I don't know why
13:28There'd have to be that cavalry
13:29That's the black and white minstrels
13:32Oh no, no, no, no
13:33No, I wasn't doing the black and white minstrels
13:35Do you think the royals get to meet any real people?
13:41I reckon everyone they meet
13:43Is some kind of secret agent
13:44Even like Harry's girlfriend
13:46They'll be like a transsexual gurkha
13:48She won the slut contest
13:52How do you think you get to be
13:57Prince Harry's girlfriend?
13:58She's probably not going to the slut contest
14:00Yes, isn't it?
14:02It's a slut contest
14:03The end of the slut contest
14:09Is they have to try and pick up the royal orb
14:11Using only their vaginal muscles
14:13In an event which they drop
14:16From it's a royal knockout
14:17How do you just get to be a judge
14:21At the slut contest?
14:23I'm sorry for that
14:24I'll be there
14:24Fuck this mock the weak laugh
14:27More wet on the t-shirt, please
14:31Where are the high-sell cavalry?
14:36Wet the t-shirt
14:37People do love Diana
14:40Which is why they've got the Diana Society
14:42She was voted, wasn't she?
14:44The third greatest Briton of all time
14:47Now I did have a few problems with that particular poll
14:50Number 17 greatest Britons of all time
14:53Michael Crawford
14:54Just ahead of Michael Faraday
14:57Stephen Hawking
14:58And Alexander Fleming
15:00So the great British public had obviously gone
15:04Well, the invention of penicillin
15:06Electricity
15:07And the Big Bang Theory
15:08Not bad
15:10But not quite as good as
15:14Roller-skating underneath the lorry
15:16Whilst wearing a tank top
15:17Going, ooh, Betty
15:18And at the end of that round
15:24The points go to
15:26Frankie, Hugh and Alan
15:27Now we play a round called
15:34Monsters of Muck
15:35This game involves Alan, Andy, Frankie and Ed
15:41So if you could make your way to the performance area, please
15:43This is where we test our performance stand-up skills
15:46We spin our news generator
15:47It settles on a topic
15:48And anyone can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject
15:51The winners of the team
15:52Are judged to have the best stuff
15:53Okay, here we go
15:55Let's spin the wheel
15:56The first subject is kids
15:59Who wants to come in on that?
16:00Edburn
16:01I had a great window recently
16:04Into what it's like to have a child
16:06I was on the tube in London
16:07And there was a woman there with her kid
16:09And I know it was her kid
16:10Because the kid said the word mum
16:11About 500 times
16:13You know one of those kids
16:15That just keeps going off like an alarm clock
16:17Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum
16:20And every now and again she'd go
16:21What?
16:22But it was just like pressing snooze
16:24Be off again a few minutes
16:28And every time she'd say what
16:29The kid had to say something really innocuous and boring
16:31Like you could almost see the woman weighing it up in her head
16:33Was that more or less irritating than the sound of it going mum, mum, mum
16:36Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum
16:39What?
16:39That man has a hat
16:41She did say this though
16:44She said the funniest thing I've ever overheard on public transport
16:47About the eighth time the kid did it
16:48The kid's going mum, mum, mum, mum, mum
16:51And without even looking the woman just went
16:53I can't believe how happy I was the first time you said that word
16:57OK, let's spin the wheel again
17:06The topic is the smoking ban
17:09Alan Cock
17:10I'm a big fan of the smoking ban
17:13As a non-smoker and a keen drinker
17:16For me, the end of the Blair government was just wonderful
17:19Because they brought in 24-hour drinking and banned smoking
17:23There were some nights where it was like I had my own Prime Minister
17:26I was just sitting in watching the news
17:30And Blair would be looking out going
17:31Go on Alan, have a good night out
17:34Drink till four without going to a nightclub if you want
17:38When you wake up the next day, just put the clothes straight on
17:40You won't even smell, it's wonderful
17:43We're saving about three pounds a month on soap powder
17:46Which I don't know about you, but I'm putting directly into a lager fund
17:50But my main tipple of choice when I go out
17:54Is the bottles of Sol or Corona
17:57Because you know it comes with a little wedge of lime in it
17:59And that counts towards your five a day
18:01Very good, Alan Cock
18:05OK, that leads us with Andy and Frankie
18:11Let's spin the wheel
18:11The next topic is television
18:15Frankie
18:16The only TV award I've ever been nominated for
18:21Was a Scottish BAFTA
18:23A Scottish BAFTA
18:25It's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics
18:28You hear all this stuff about TV being faked
18:33Of course it's faked
18:33It's all faked
18:35You know that documentary a couple of weeks ago
18:37About tribal warfare among monkeys
18:39That was all filmed in a Yates's wine lodge in Dundee
18:42Comic relief is faked
18:45Everybody in Africa is fine
18:48I saw a documentary about Paris Hilton
18:53And this could just be a story
18:54But it said that when she was in jail
18:56The warders put sperm into her porridge
19:00That must have been a horrible moment for her
19:02Oh, there's porridge in this
19:04There you are
19:08OK, Andy, let's see what you've been left with
19:13Let's spin the wheel
19:14Global warming is what that represents
19:18Apparently, right, we will have more extremes of weather
19:23Now, we're lucky we live in a moderate country, right?
19:27Rest of the world, they have a tornado, an earthquake
19:29Thousands dead, homes destroyed, large-scale devastation
19:33We in Britain, we have a tornado
19:35Well, two chimney pots cracked
19:38One cat missing
19:39One frozen chicken looted from Iceland
19:41Well done, Andy Parson
19:45The point is over to Ed and Andy
19:47Our next round is called
19:56If this is the answer, what is the question
19:58On the board are six categories
19:59Alan, which category would you like?
20:01Nature, please
20:03OK, your category is nature
20:04The answer is sparrows, otters and hedgehogs
20:08What is the question?
20:10What does Hugh Fernley Whittingstall's breath smell on?
20:15What is the least popular Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor?
20:20What is the top-selling porn mag in Norfolk?
20:23Who are the entrants in Simon Cowell's new TV show, The Woodland's Got Talent?
20:33Is it what does Bill Oddy scream at the point of orgasm?
20:37Rate these animals in order of the loudest bang they make when put on a bonfire
20:47Starting with the least painful, rate these animals in shagability
20:53Is it, as a child, what did I dress in military uniforms to reenact the Battle of Stalingrad?
21:01The German forces being played by a lawnmower?
21:04Name three colloquial terms for a lady's vagina
21:14Show us your hedgehog
21:18Is it water waiting patiently in a queue to get into Richard Gere's arse?
21:27Won't be getting in
21:29What, is there a bouncer on the arse?
21:34Not with spines, mate, not tonight
21:36What's on the menu at a gypsy wedding?
21:48Anything with the correct answer?
21:50According to
21:50What's recently been put on the endangered species list?
21:53Absolutely
21:54Well done, Ed Brung, congratulations
21:55Very good
21:56Yes, the question I was looking for is
22:02Name three endangered species on a recently updated government list
22:05On the list are over a thousand plants and animals
22:08A number that has doubled in the last decade
22:10Significant new additions include hedgehogs, house sparrows and salmon
22:14Why are they becoming endangered now?
22:16Any ideas?
22:16Because they can't find them
22:17That's it
22:18It's not because
22:19Well, no, it is, basically
22:20They're field mice
22:21There's a field mouse that's the size of a 2p
22:23And they've gone, no, we can't find them
22:25I reckon they
22:25The mice just react in the same way we do
22:28When we see people with clipboards
22:29You know, trying to get charity
22:30Like that
22:30Oh, there they are
22:31Hide
22:32There's gone, potty time
22:34Potty time for the mice
22:35They do reckon it's tidy gardens, don't they?
22:38They reckon
22:39Yeah
22:39Gardens are too tidy
22:40So sparrows, otters and hedgehogs are all
22:42They're
22:43They don't
22:44But really
22:44They should just move
22:46Because there's some really shitty gardens, isn't there?
22:49There's gardens that are overgrown
22:50Where they could have a fridge and a mattress as well
22:53If they really thought about it on some estates
22:55You're right
22:55It is short-sightedness on behalf of the audience
22:58Maybe it's time for them to get on the property ladder
23:00And have their own guard
23:01We've got to the stage where sparrows and otters are becoming extinct
23:07I mean, the next series of Springwatch is going to be like Schindler's List
23:11Just all shone in black and white with a little robin's red breast
23:16Bloody smuggling badgers through Belgium
23:21It's going to be horrific
23:22I'd watch that
23:24Yeah
23:24Just to see the audience
23:26What have you got there?
23:27Nothing
23:27There's a lot of animals that are
23:30Not just in Britain
23:31But that are on the endangered species list
23:32That kind of deserve to be
23:34Like pandas
23:34Giant pandas
23:35Yes, they're very cute and all that
23:37But the reason they're endangered
23:38Is because they won't have sex with each other
23:40Which is a crap reason to be endangered
23:42If you can't be arsed
23:43Pumping yourself off the endangered species list
23:46Then you're not worth saving
23:47Do you know what they did in China?
23:49There'll be a practice as pandas
23:51We gave them every chance
23:53They did
23:53They were trying to figure out
23:55They were making panda poems
23:56They have, yeah
23:57Absolutely, I've seen it
23:58To see
23:59Yeah
24:00Genuinely
24:01But they genuinely
24:05Bizarre thing
24:06They've showed them the panda porn
24:07In zoos in China
24:08And the pandas don't respond
24:10Presumably
24:10They're just sat there going
24:11Bit creepy
24:12If you've got two animals
24:16Who don't have sex anyway
24:17Why don't we point a camera at them
24:19And get them to have sex in front of that
24:20Bamboo
24:20Come on, come on Ling Ling
24:21Pull out
24:22Give us the bamboo shot
24:22I guess the reason why
24:26They don't have sex with each other
24:27Is when you look at them
24:28They obviously just look at each other
24:28And go
24:29Ah, let's just cuddle
24:30The pandas want to die
24:33The pandas want to die out
24:35And we're forcing them to have sex
24:37Imagine that in your deathbed
24:39Some zookeeper's trying to make you hump someone
24:41I can't
24:44I think
24:49It's not a bad extinction, is it?
24:52I mean, it's less stuff to have to learn
24:54To teach your kids
24:55What's that, Daddy?
24:57Well, it's a dog
24:57Because there's only dogs left
24:58Because we like them
25:01So you need to keep going
25:02I'm not allowed to kill anything
25:04I've moved out of the country now
25:05And my Mrs. Mama let me kill anything
25:07Because something else always eats it
25:09Right, when you're in the middle of the city
25:10She allowed you to go out and kill them
25:11Yeah
25:12I found a tramp
25:14It wasn't a bad risk
25:15I've taken and killed him
25:19And the annoying is
25:19The tramps want to die
25:20I tell you whispers of
25:23You said
25:23Because it's basically
25:24It's just Darwinism
25:25And the animals are changing
25:26To adapt to us
25:27Have you seen what
25:27Birds in the city now
25:29Apparently
25:29Sometimes mistake car horns
25:31And ringtones
25:33For mating calls
25:34Which is just hilarious
25:35Just the idea of some poor bird
25:36The next time you honk your car
25:38Basically you're turning on a bird
25:40You know
25:41Just this bird flying over
25:42You're right lads
25:42I'm in love
25:43What does she sound like
25:44A little bit like
25:44Na-ma-na-na
25:45Na-ma-na-na-na-na
25:46Isn't part of the problem though
25:51Is that more and more people
25:52Have got cats
25:53And they're killing
25:54All of the little creatures
25:55Yes
25:55My next door neighbour's cats
25:57They come over
25:58Kill all the little things
25:59In my garden
26:00And then do a shit
26:01And the next door neighbour goes
26:05Oh it's alright
26:05They're marking their territory
26:07And I'm thinking
26:08It's not its territory
26:09It's my territory
26:11I shouldn't have to have a crap
26:13In my own garden
26:14Just to keep the cat out
26:16If their cat's gonna come into my garden
26:18Have a crap
26:18I should go into their bloody kitchen
26:20Have a crap in their cat tray
26:22I have two cats and they do
26:29They murder everything
26:30And then they bring everything back
26:32Like there is a flip side
26:33And even if they haven't quite
26:34Murdered it
26:35And like still if you'd expect
26:36Mice and birds
26:37But frogs
26:39Like I've often
26:40I've been interrupted
26:41I've watched the television
26:42And I hear this
26:42Which is the sound of a distressed frog
26:47Frogs are carbinoides
26:48It's a really evil high pitched kind of thing
26:52It's a weird diorama
26:53You walk out
26:54And there's a frog
26:55Screaming for its life
26:56And a cat
26:57Looking at you
26:57In a kind of a
26:58Yeah
26:58Go back to the Sopranos
27:01There's nothing to see here
27:03That frog sounded a bit like Amy Winehouse
27:06That frog sounded a bit like Amy Winehouse
27:09Do it again
27:09Which is better
27:14Cats or dogs
27:15Now to me
27:16It should be fairly obvious
27:17Imagine
27:18Guide cats for the blind
27:20That would be rubbish
27:22Wouldn't it
27:23You know
27:23Crawling up fences
27:24Walking along walls
27:26Hiding under parked cars
27:28That would muck the blind people right up
27:31I would just lose interest
27:34And fall asleep
27:34I did a terrible thing in Australia
27:37There was a bloke
27:38And I saw the dog
27:39I didn't realise he was a guide dog
27:40And I had some chocolate on me
27:42So I kind of went
27:43Flung it
27:44And just saw this poor bloke go
27:45Felt a little bit bad
27:50I once
27:52My girlfriend had a dog
27:53And I shaved all its hair off
27:55It was a spaniel
27:57And then I laid all the hair out on the ground
28:00Oh my god
28:00Like it was just a sort of flattened thing
28:02And when she came back
28:04I went
28:05Bit of an accident
28:06She left me not alone after that
28:12Are we getting close to the truth
28:15As to where all these animals are now going
28:17I mean Frankie roaming the countryside
28:20Creating dioramas
28:22She must have gone mental to that
28:23She passed into tears
28:24And then left me about two weeks later Russell
28:25It was two weeks later when she came back
28:28And I only got three legs
28:29She thought that's it
28:30I should go now
28:32But he'll be
28:33I go now Frankie
28:35But he'll be freezing
28:36What is the story
28:39With these animals here
28:41They're orphaned hedgehogs
28:44They are orphaned hedgehogs
28:45They have clinged to a brush
28:46Because it reminds them of their mother
28:48That's just the image that we've put onto that picture
28:53I mean they could view that brush as a sex doll
28:55Technically that's a hedgehog gangbang
28:58Frankie's right
28:59Taking a really nice story
29:02And made it horrible now
29:03I'll actually know the details
29:05It's not really that nice a story
29:07These hedgehogs have been orphaned
29:08It's a horrible story
29:08You like a nice story about orphans do you?
29:11Oh the mother's dead
29:13Isn't that nice?
29:15Oh great stories are about orphans
29:17Every fairy tale is about orphans
29:19Harry Potter
29:19Another orphan
29:21Oh sorry
29:21Oh now you suddenly go
29:23Hang on
29:23Not all of them
29:24Excuse me
29:24These haven't discovered magical powers
29:26As far as you go
29:29They believe that the mother is a shoe brush
29:32Did you know
29:34That these three are apparently called
29:36Mary, Munger and Midge
29:38Right
29:38And then the last one's called Slappy
29:41Right
29:41What a shocking way of naming four hedgehogs
29:45You'd have thought they could have picked four names
29:47You know that went together
29:48John Paul, George and Ringo
29:49Exactly
29:50As opposed to you know
29:52Ron, Hermione, Harry and Bonzo
29:56They called it Slappy because it won the hedgehog slot contest
30:02Maybe it was every time they went to give him a name
30:05They were going to get him
30:06We'll call you
30:06All right
30:07We'll have to call you Slappy
30:09What happened to the mum then?
30:10Their mum was killed in a truck
30:11She got hit by a truck
30:12Why is it?
30:14Hedgehogs get run over all the time
30:15It's like a pallet truck
30:15But never ever do they puncture their tyre
30:18Which means their spikes are crap really
30:21I heard that
30:22They should evolve into having tungsten tipped spider
30:25I heard what happened actually
30:28The mother had been
30:29You know
30:30Was a pet
30:30And actually somebody had pulled out all the spikes
30:33And when the girl had come back
30:36There was just this bald mother there
30:38Just a little spikes laying out
30:40That's it
30:40Yeah
30:41That was a reference
30:41You sick fucker
30:44Okay
30:46In political news
30:49Who's been getting tough on crime this week?
30:51The A-team
30:52The A-team
30:52The A-team
30:53The A-team
30:53We're in general privacy
30:54Cameron
30:55Cameron
30:55Cameron
30:55Yes
30:56David Cameron
30:57You're right
30:57He's another
30:58Well because he's panicking
31:00There might be an election
31:01And so he's just throwing out policies
31:04Willy nilly
31:05He's even thinking of a new policy
31:06Every 15 minutes
31:07On the subject of the election
31:09He said
31:09If you look at my leadership as a whole
31:11The last 18 months
31:12For the vast majority of that
31:13I was ahead
31:14And that is what people will judge me on
31:17And you're going to go
31:18Well that's
31:18That's not the way it works
31:20You can't
31:21Well we were 1-0 up for 89 minutes
31:23Two late goals that statistically are irrelevant
31:27What does it matter of what Cameron says anyway?
31:32It's like Ben Stiller saying that he's going to lower income tax
31:36Or Wayne Rooney committing more troops to Iraq
31:39It's just that you've got to have power for it to have any sort of relevance
31:42Absolutely
31:43Well he's blaming all
31:43He's blaming video games
31:44Well he's saying
31:45And rap music as well
31:47He's saying he wants to
31:48He'll have regular talks
31:50With the music industry
31:51Oh really?
31:52To try and get them to curb their behaviour
31:54I just love the idea of them gathering Snoop and Fiddy
31:57Around and going
31:58Chaps
31:59You're setting a bad example
32:01Would you mind awfully
32:04Just toning it down a bit
32:05That would be great
32:06That would be great
32:07Now I
32:07Cameron suck my dick
32:09That was uncanny
32:14When did Snoop come out?
32:17Oh I was doing Fiddy
32:19Oh
32:19Surely he'd be
32:21Fiddy would be more like
32:22Thuck my dick wouldn't he?
32:24You wouldn't say that to his face
32:25When would I ever meet
32:28When would I ever meet
32:30One of your showbiz parties
32:31Yeah
32:31Do I have them all the time?
32:33Eh 50
32:33This is Ronnie Corbett
32:34Have you two met him?
32:37Even when you meet him
32:38Even when you meet him
32:39It's not him
32:40It's a transsexual Gurkha
32:41That's where the whole world works
32:43Is this Ronnie Corbett now?
32:44Yeah
32:45For all those years
32:46You came second in the slap contest
32:48But do you find
32:50The only people that
32:51You know
32:51It does make you violent
32:52But only towards rappers
32:53Because rap's so rubbish
32:54You just listen to it
32:55It's just like
32:56It used to be
32:56Alright
32:56But now it's just
32:57I got this
32:58I got that
32:58But it is very violent
32:59I always think it's weird
33:00When you put on a CD
33:01And you basically listen to a man
33:02Threaten you for 45 minutes
33:03And you kind of feel like saying
33:05Why are you having a go at me?
33:06I bought your album
33:07Surely
33:07Surely I should be in your cool box
33:10Go and threaten someone
33:11Who doesn't like you
33:12Have a go at me dad
33:12He hates you
33:13That'd be a great song
33:15Let's get Ed's dad
33:16I think it's difficult
33:18For David Cameron
33:19To tell kids
33:21Not to listen to hip hop
33:22When we all suspect
33:23He really likes Enya
33:25You can overdo this
33:31So violent films
33:32Goes to
33:32You know
33:33People copy violent films
33:34Because surely
33:34In which case
33:35People would also copy
33:36Non-violent films
33:37Surely if that's the case
33:39You could go along
33:40To King's Cross
33:40Stand in between
33:42Platforms 9 and 10
33:43And watch little kids
33:45Running up
33:46Smacking their head
33:47On the pillars
33:48Just trying to find
33:50Platform 9 and 3 quarters
33:51It is funny
33:54When they do that
33:54There isn't it
33:55Try harder
33:58Try harder
33:59You're just not
34:00Believing enough
34:02You've given yourself
34:03The mark though
34:04It's this whole thing
34:07Isn't it
34:07Where they're trying
34:07To control role models
34:08And they're talking
34:09About role models
34:10For black kids
34:11And so on
34:12You think
34:12Well kids choose
34:13Bad role models
34:14That's what they do
34:15They look up to idiots
34:16I mean who's the role models
34:17For white kids
34:18Wayne Rooney
34:19He's going to finish
34:21His contract at Man U
34:22And then be released
34:23Into the wild
34:24People's are
34:27People's are full of all this
34:29Obscene stuff
34:30That his girlfriend buys him
34:31He'd be happy
34:32With just a tyre
34:33On a rope
34:33At the end of that round
34:38The points go to
34:39Frankie, Hugh and Alan
34:41Now we've come to our final
34:48Quickfire round
34:49Called Scenes We'd Like to See
34:50This is for everyone
34:52So if you could all
34:52Make your way over
34:53To the performance area
34:54Please
34:54I call it ideas
34:55For scenarios we'd love to see
34:57And the performers
34:57Come in with their suggestions
34:59Okay
35:00Here we go
35:01The first subject is
35:03Things an athletics commentator
35:05Would never say
35:06Here are the runners
35:09In this second heat
35:11Of the women's 400 metres
35:12In order of fuckability
35:14I think it's going to be
35:23Hard to follow
35:24The pole vault
35:33Could there be
35:34A more ridiculous
35:36Fucking thing to do
35:37On your Sunday afternoon
35:38There's a white man
35:42In the final of the 100 metres
35:43Good luck with that
35:45That man runs like a panther
35:51And if he could learn
35:53To use just two legs
35:54He'd be absolutely unbeatable
35:56And I've got to say
36:00It's a surprise
36:01Yes
36:02The winner of the marathon
36:03Are four blokes
36:05Tied together
36:06Dressed as Spider-Man
36:07This should be a laugh
36:12Women running
36:13Lane one
36:18The UK
36:18Lane two
36:20The USA
36:21Lane three
36:21Close for resurfacing
36:23And in this final
36:28Of the women's gymnastics
36:29I've been nailed
36:30To my chair
36:31For my own good
36:32And here come
36:37The walkers now
36:38Mincing their way
36:39Into the stadium
36:40And we've all got
36:44To admit
36:45The long jump
36:46Is a much more exciting
36:47Now we've found out
36:48There's a landmine
36:49In the sand
36:50And that one
36:55At the end
36:55Must feel like
36:56A right cunt
36:57There's the bell
37:03Can someone get the door
37:04Please
37:05I'm commentating
37:06Tragedy in the water polo
37:11As most of the horses
37:13Drown
37:14And the urine sample
37:18Appears to have
37:19Melted the beaker
37:20That's not a good sign
37:22London have explained
37:26The design of their
37:27Olympic logo
37:28Apparently they threw
37:29A paraplegic off a car park
37:31And drew a chalk outline
37:33Around his body
37:34This is a first
37:40For athletics
37:41The timekeeper
37:42Has been hypnotised
37:44By the man's wang
37:45And in the end
37:49It took a photograph
37:49To separate them
37:50The one of him
37:51Shagging a pole dancer
37:52In Nevada
37:53These triple jumpers
37:57Have trained for years
37:58To go bouncing
37:59Along the concrete
38:00Like retards
38:01There's the bell
38:06There's the bell
38:07Those shorts
38:08Leave nothing
38:08To the imagination
38:09They're unable
38:12To separate them
38:13With a photo
38:14So it's going to
38:15Have to be
38:15A slut contest
38:16The next topic
38:20Is
38:21The worst thing
38:22To say
38:23When running
38:23For US president
38:24I intend to
38:26Withdraw from Iraq
38:27Invade some real
38:28Pussies like Spain
38:29Honey I'm like
38:33George Bush
38:34Only less intelligent
38:36I will never forget
38:42The terrible events
38:44Of 9-12
38:45Now I know
38:49What you're thinking
38:50A Sagittarius
38:51For president
38:51But I have
38:52Leo rising
38:53Yes I smoked marijuana
39:02And I inhaled
39:03Just now
39:05There are no skeletons
39:12In my closet
39:13Just a black latex
39:15Dildo suit
39:15I would like you
39:21To call me
39:22President
39:25Shawaddiwaddi
39:26I have a
39:30Magnificent war record
39:31It's Pipes of Peace
39:33By Paul McCartney
39:34I'll tell you what
39:37That 9-11
39:38Gave me a right boner
39:40I don't just
39:47Want to appeal
39:48To white voters
39:49I also want to
39:50Reach out
39:50To chinks
39:51Wops
39:51And negroes
39:52Please vote for me
39:59If I get into
40:00The White House
40:01My husband Bill
40:02Promises to
40:02Gobble me off
40:03Read my lips
40:08Fuck you
40:10Okay
40:12I've got a bad one
40:14Bad one
40:15Whilst at college
40:17I did experiment
40:18With marijuana
40:19I did it in snow
40:20I did it in sleaze
40:21But I did not
40:22Inhale
40:23At the end of that round
40:28The points go to
40:29Russell Aylorandy
40:30And that's the end
40:37Of the show
40:38This week's winners are
40:39Frankie Boyle
40:40Hugh Dennis
40:41And Alan Cochran
40:41Commiserations to
40:48Andy Parsons
40:49Ed Byrne
40:50And Russell Howard
40:51Thank you for watching
40:55I'm Darby
40:55Good night
40:56Watch Mock the Week
41:25Tonight on BBC
41:26Tonight on BBC 2
41:26It could be
41:27Your last chance
41:28To hear jokes
41:28About John Prescott
41:29Apparently
41:30He's quite fat
41:31Mock the Week
41:34Tonight at 9
41:34Oh sorry
41:42You have to do it again
41:42And you have to smile
41:44I'm smiling
41:45Yeah
41:46Are you in this show?
41:47Yeah you're in this fucking show
41:48You have to look like
41:49Oh fuck this shit
41:50I wasn't smiling
41:53Because I was just
41:53I was wondering
41:54I don't care
41:55Why you weren't smiling
41:55I want to get out of here
41:56Shut up
41:56I just wanted to know
41:58What the restaurant
41:58Might be about
41:59Okay fine
42:00Okay cool
42:00It's about army training
42:02Okay
42:05Okay
42:05Watch Mock the Week
42:09Tonight on BBC 2
42:10It could be
42:11Your last chance
42:11To hear jokes
42:12About John Prescott
42:13Ah fuck
42:14Come on
42:14Fuck
42:16I'm going to fucking
42:17Get out of here
42:18I was smiling
42:22That time
42:22Leave him alone
42:26He's my best friend
42:27Stop
42:30One week it's Connie
42:31This week it's you
42:33Rolling
42:35Watch Mock the Week
42:38Tonight on BBC 2
42:38It could be your last chance
42:40To hear jokes
42:40About John Prescott
42:41Apparently he's quite fat
42:42We'll mention that
42:43Mock the Week at 9
42:44Do you know what you should watch
42:53After the restaurant?
42:54The bill
42:55Failing that
42:56That's a terrible joke
42:57Isn't it?
42:58I think it's a good joke
42:59But you've got nothing
43:00Anyway I'll do it again
43:01You can fucking laugh this time
43:02Do you know what you should watch
43:04After the restaurant?
43:05The bill
43:05Actually should we de-mint first
43:08On ITV Clay
43:09And then the bill
43:10You don't get your bill
43:12After you leave the restaurant
43:13Oh shut up
43:13Shut the fuck up
43:16It doesn't work
43:16You're demoted
43:18You're on
43:18You're on
43:19After the restaurant
43:19You should watch
43:20The Taxi Hub
43:21And some
43:23Taxi
43:24Okay
43:34You're on
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