Mock the Week - Season 5 Episode 07- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Fiona Allen, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, David Mitchell
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00:00No, your nipples are turning on Sigma fortunately
00:05We are recording top quality stuff here we are
00:09Why are we I was touching myself?
00:13Have got everything all around got two bananas
00:18Open bananas for the rest of you fuck is up
00:22You're interested with the bananas because you okay
00:30I read about the things that happened throughout the world
00:36Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:42Read all about it
00:45Read all about it
00:48News of the world
00:49News of the world
00:51Read all about it
00:54Read all about it
00:56News of the world
00:58News of the world
01:00Hello, welcome to Mock the week. I'm Dara O'Brien
01:05Joining me this week are Andy Parsons David Mitchell and Russell Howard Frankie Ball Hugh Dennis and Fiona Allen
01:19Our first round is called headliners. Here's a picture of everyday goings-on in the NHS
01:24But what does TFHC stand for?
01:27Is it Tired Fatty has Cardiac?
01:30That's harsh to be honest
01:38Is it from the Daily Mail?
01:40Is it terrible for a hypochondriac chancer?
01:45Is it this fellow who's croaked?
01:46Which new thing was that from?
01:49The Daily Express of 1951?
01:51Is it television fans hate casualty?
01:55Is it transplanted face hides Cameron?
02:00Is it trench foot hits car-sholton?
02:03Is it trench foot hits car-sholton?
02:07Is it?
02:08I've heard trench foot has hit car-sholton
02:11Is it that it's a particularly wedding question or just people are just taking it on?
02:15They have a bath too close to when they have to be at work
02:17Is the doctor saying try flicking his cock?
02:20Is the doctor saying try flicking his cock?
02:23That arm works actually that's a good tip if you think someone might be dead
02:36Just try flicking his cock
02:39Is it this fucker has cancer?
02:42Basically we use this round to shave off any herb decency that you may have left
02:51A week away from us you may have just had a happy time
02:54And then we gave you this to do at the very start
02:56Until you're just roaring and spitting like a visigoth at the end
03:01It was a bit hot
03:02Is it this fucker has chlamydia?
03:05I'll give you the three first words aren't this fucker has
03:08A series of diseases beginning with C
03:12Is it?
03:13So what is it?
03:14This fucker has clap
03:16Is it then that fucker has cancer?
03:19Is it?
03:20Is it?
03:22By the way
03:24We were told when we were sitting in here
03:26We were all arriving gathered together
03:28We were told listen you kind of hit the limit on the fucks last week
03:32With three
03:34Is it this fucking hospitals crap?
03:38It's not
03:39No
03:40For the same reason
03:41I don't say
03:42Now we've had so many with fucking
03:44I wonder how funny they're going to be without fucking
03:47Yeah
03:48Without fucking aren't going to
03:50Well you could go places
03:51Unless we do some with cunt in
03:52Unless we do some with cunt in
03:53You could go places with the C
03:54The C is really good news at the end
03:56Sorry what was that in my ear?
03:57Could we please not have ones with fuck or cunt in them?
04:00Is that his answer?
04:02Is it nine cunts we're allowed in the half hour?
04:05Weirdly you're allowed more cunts than fuck
04:07Yeah
04:09It doesn't make sense to me
04:10It doesn't at all
04:11I think it's disgraceful
04:12Is it that
04:13That fricker
04:14Has cancer?
04:17That fool has chlamydia
04:19I'll give you the T stands for Tories
04:24Tories face horrendous
04:26Fucking hard worthy cunts
04:28No sorry
04:29Sorry
04:30What was the one you were going to say that doesn't happen?
04:32Tories fuck hospital
04:33Stop saying fuck
04:35The F doesn't stand for fuck
04:39Is it
04:40Is it too fat hairy cocks?
04:42It's not too fat hairy cocks
04:44Is it?
04:45Is it?
04:49We're moving on
04:50We're moving on
04:52Sorry
04:53Hugh do you have something that approaches the correct answer?
04:55No
04:56Tories something
04:58Health cuts
04:59Tories fight hospital cuts
05:01Yes that's exactly what it is
05:03Well done
05:04The answer I was looking for was Tories fight hospital cuts
05:10Refers to David Cameron's promise to battle Gordon Brown
05:13On the problems in the NHS
05:14As he tries to regain the initiative
05:16Amid rumours of an autumn election
05:19Okay in what way did he threaten Brown with the NHS?
05:21He threatened him with a bare knuckle fight
05:23He's exactly the phrase he used
05:24Such a ridiculous
05:25He's a really insensitive phrase to use isn't it?
05:27But he's such a schoolboy thing isn't it?
05:28Yeah yeah
05:29He'll need more hospitals when I'm finished with him
05:31Yeah
05:32Yeah
05:33Yeah and you just know Brown's gonna turn up
05:34Just with a like a big lamp
05:36Yeah?
05:37Do you want it you bitch?
05:38They were lying Gordon
05:40They were lying
05:41They were lying
05:42Brown's gonna turn up for a fight with a lamp
05:44I don't know why I said lamp
05:45Yeah
05:46I mean I accepted everything
05:47A baseball bat
05:48I meant to say lamp post
05:49Bicycle change
05:50It's not called a bare knuckle and lamp fight
05:53Well maybe it's kind of like the untouchables
05:55He hits you with a knuckle
05:56You will get him with a lamp
05:58If he had a WWF name
06:00It would be something imaginative like
06:03Gordon Brown
06:05And if pre-matched Psyche out speech would be
06:08I would probably win
06:11But why in the space of
06:12How did Cameron launch his health initiative?
06:15He launched it very badly
06:16He did
06:17He tried it to hand glider
06:19And threw it off the top of the house of commons
06:23He came back from holiday and he said
06:25We're gonna save the health service
06:27And all these hospitals are closing
06:28And then about six hours later
06:30The hospitals phoned up
06:31And said
06:32Actually we're not closing
06:34You've got that completely wrong
06:35You
06:36Dork
06:37Yeah
06:38Which he did
06:39And his own MP in Norfolk
06:41Had to go
06:42Well we want to apologise to the Queen Elizabeth
06:43Hospital in Kings Lane
06:45It was never closing
06:46Sorry about that
06:47And it is kind of a
06:48I'm so desperately prime minister
06:50I'm gonna start closing hospitals now
06:52It is so ridiculous
06:54He's come back and he's launched this thing called
06:56The Public Services Policy Review
06:59To gain the initiative back from Labour
07:01Like anybody is remotely interested
07:03In a document called
07:04The Public Services Policy Review
07:06If they wanted someone to buy that
07:07Or look at it
07:08They'd have to call it
07:09Harry Potter
07:10And the Public Services Policy Review
07:13And at the end
07:14One of the Weasleys would die
07:15On a trolley
07:16Having been left there for 36 hours
07:18That's all
07:19There's a thing isn't there
07:22They want to make doctors now work
07:24More evenings and weekends
07:25Yeah GPs
07:26But surely the only point of going to the doctor
07:27Is that you get to take time off work
07:29That's the point of it man
07:31If you're lucky enough to get genital herpes
07:34Or irritable bowel syndrome
07:36That can be an extra fortnight off a year
07:39What a fantastic advert
07:40Are you feeling squiffy?
07:41Do it on a Monday
07:45What other policies have the Tories hinted at?
07:47More tax cuts for businesses
07:48It is
07:49The first thing they've come out with
07:50Is basically
07:51More money for bastards
07:53That's the Tory policy
07:55The next policy will be
07:56You don't have to pay the congestion charge
07:58If you're on horseback
07:59And hunting a tramp
08:04He didn't say that
08:05But he has now got a policy
08:06Hasn't he?
08:07He'd break down Britain
08:08And the way he's going to sort this out
08:09David Cameron
08:10Is he said he's going to give
08:1120 quid a week
08:13To married couples
08:15So as to keep them to stay together
08:17Because that's going to make all the difference
08:19Isn't it?
08:20I hate you
08:21I don't know why we got married
08:23I'm leaving
08:25There's a tenner in it for you
08:27I'm here for keeps
08:30The actual government policy they're talking about
08:34Is having cohabiting legislation
08:36So if you've stayed with someone for two years
08:38They have married rights
08:39And they can get half your stuff
08:40Which is playing into my hands
08:42Because my stuff is shit
08:44You have to happily trade it for two years of sex
08:56How have Blue Peter managed to upset the Tories this week?
08:59Have they changed their name to Red Peter?
09:01They have not, no, no they have not, no
09:05Is it Connie Huck?
09:07It is Connie Huck, yes
09:08Does she hate him?
09:09I don't know
09:10Does she hate him?
09:11No
09:12I'll tell you who doesn't hate Connie Huck
09:14I adore her
09:15She's a good girl
09:16Hang on, hang on
09:18Don't mess with the Huck
09:19What does that mean?
09:20Do you fancy her?
09:21No
09:22No
09:23No
09:24Kids TV kind of thing
09:26And I quite like
09:27She's getting dissed at the moment
09:28Right, so you do then
09:29Yeah
09:30I'm just saying she's
09:31He loves her
09:32He loves her
09:33Look at him squirm
09:42Have you ever met her Dara?
09:43I've never met her
09:44Is your
09:45Clearly not going to happen now
09:46Would you like to sidle up to her and say
09:47Here's something I made earlier?
09:48Dara, does your wife watch this?
09:53Yeah, but she doesn't watch Blue Peter, so I'm alright
09:55Sticky back plastic
10:02That actually was just a Blue Peter term
10:04It had no actual gag there
10:05So no
10:06It's very good
10:07You might have just said
10:08You might have just said
10:09Sheck the dog
10:10That thing
10:16Anyone know why Blue Peter got grief of the Tories?
10:19Because
10:20She did this press conference
10:22That was supposedly about
10:23How cycling is good
10:25But Ken Livingston went on about how the Tories are shit
10:28And then it felt that she was in some way
10:30Associated with this being a party political press conference
10:33When she thought it had been an environmental stroke cycle around press conference
10:37And the BBC apologised in the most sort of pathetic terms
10:40To Tories for having done this
10:42And apparently they have now imposed upon her a new contract
10:45Where she can't say what she likes anymore
10:47So now Blue Peter presenters no longer have the same human rights as the rest
10:51Ironically this week on Blue Peter they're making a voodoo doll of David Cameron
10:58She's got the perfect opportunity hasn't she
11:02That bit where they're making a present and they go send your parents out of the room
11:06She can pretty much say what she likes to children
11:08Send your parents out of the room
11:10We're making an advent calendar
11:12Rebel by killing people and blowing shit up
11:15That's why you don't work at kids TV programs
11:19Essentially she publicly expressed an opinion about cycling
11:25Which as far as I'm concerned she's allowed to do
11:27At the same time in the same room the Mayor of London said the Tories were a bunch of bastards
11:33Which also he's allowed to do
11:35What's the problem?
11:36What happened?
11:37The problem was that the Tory councillor believed that that was in some way
11:40Showed that the BBC and Blue Peter were endorsing Ken Livingstone's push
11:44For a Lord Mayor of London next year
11:46Do you know the way that Blue Peter viewers who are ageing 8 and 14 are big voters?
11:50Some of them are 8, some of them are 14, some of them are around about 35
11:5635
12:01Don't mess with the hook
12:02Which world leaders holiday photos have been in the news?
12:07Ah, this is Putin isn't it?
12:08This is of course Putin
12:09These photos are great
12:11Yeah
12:12That's one of your people
12:13Just striding randomly across the lake
12:16He looks like a gay porn star
12:19By the way, that's November
12:23But he was going on a trip wasn't he?
12:28To thank Prince Albert of Monaco
12:30For helping them get the Winter Olympic Games
12:33Yeah
12:34And Prince Albert seeing these photos
12:35He'd be thinking
12:36Crikey, what have I let myself in for?
12:37Won't he?
12:38What sort of favours am I going to get from Vladimir Putin?
12:41Oil yourself up Albert, we're going for a sauna
12:44How gay does it sound?
12:46Basically you've got a topless man knocking about with a bloke called Prince Albert
12:51It's gayer than right said Fred dancing on a doily
12:55Can we go back to the previous photo?
12:57Why has that horse got a spike through it's head?
13:00Because it may have disobeyed him in some tiny way
13:03He's planning to launch a nuclear strike from that horse's head
13:07With one of those wooden nuclear bombs that were shot
13:10You know
13:11I think it's a bit sad that this guy
13:15You know
13:16He could level us at any time
13:17And there he is
13:18He waxes his chest
13:19He needs a bra
13:21It's just quite scary
13:22He would snap me like a twig
13:25That's what I want to see in a leader
13:28Someone who can crush a man's head like a beer can
13:32Why would you like to see John Prescott in a series of similar photos?
13:37He still gets a hard time about the whole Litvinenko thing
13:40Doesn't he?
13:41I just think Litvinenko wasn't a very good spy
13:43If he doesn't know not to accept a glowing cup of tea
13:48From a glowing teapot
13:50From a man who appears to be wearing a space suit
13:55I was going to make jokes about Russians all being gangsters
13:58But some Russian people spoke to me
14:00And all I'd like to say is
14:02I'm looking forward to Chelsea continuing their great start to the season
14:06And a safe return of my pregnant wife
14:15At the end of that round of points go to Russell, David and Andy
14:22Now we play a round called Harry Potter and the Wheel of News
14:27This game involves Hugh, Andy, Frankie and Russell
14:29So if you could make your way to the performance area please
14:32This is where we test our performance stand-up skills
14:34We spin our news generator
14:35It settles on the topic
14:36And then you can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject
14:39Okay, here we go
14:40Let's spin the wheel
14:43The first is alternative medicine
14:45Can I have a volunteer to talk about that?
14:47Andy
14:48Apparently a lot of people trying to get into therapy at the moment
14:52Other people knocking it
14:53Saying you know
14:54Well you should just lose your inhibitions
14:56Talk about your problems to your friends
14:59I thought I'd try this
15:01I talked about my problems to my friends for a whole hour
15:04Lost my inhibitions
15:05Also lost my friends
15:06I now tell my problems to taxi drivers
15:12Two advantages in this
15:14One, it stops the taxi driver from telling you his problems
15:18And two, it's amazing how much quicker you get to your bloody destination
15:22Well done Andy Parson
15:29Okay, let's spin the wheel again
15:33Subject is the media
15:35Who wants to come into that? Russell?
15:36I'll do that
15:38Honestly, you know
15:39The way I like getting the news is Radio 5 Live
15:42It's fantastic
15:43It's just news and nutters, isn't it?
15:44They'll read out like
15:45That was the Pope's view on abortion
15:47And then, hello, Felicity Puddleduck here
15:49Livid and ill-informed
15:51I'd just like to say
15:52Those harlots who give birth to their children age 2
15:54That child should do a national service
15:56I'm off to bake a cake
15:59And sat there listening
16:00And then the next night
16:01Dave here
16:02Are you out of your mind
16:03Cloning
16:04Thinking through
16:05Two versions of me
16:06Wanna go out and commit a crime
16:08Who gets blamed for it?
16:09Me!
16:11My goodness when he's drinking
16:12He's banging my wife
16:14What is the justice?
16:16You sat there listening to these nutters
16:18And then the most ridiculous story
16:19A man in Bristol's found the face of Jesus on a crisp
16:22And suddenly
16:24I couldn't believe how you put up my frazzles
16:26There he was!
16:29I know
16:30Russell Howard
16:33OK, the news is Hugh and Frankie
16:36The next topic is sport
16:39Do you know
16:40I've heard a rumour that horse racing
16:42May not be completely honest
16:44It's unbelievable, isn't it?
16:46But how do you stop the corruption?
16:48Well one solution may be to call horses something like
16:50Mafia backed second favourite
16:53Because if everyone did that
16:55Everyone would be confused
16:56No one would know who to bet on
16:57And the whole thing would be fair again
16:59And they're often the first to show
17:00Is blatantly bribed
17:01Blatantly bribed
17:02Followed by Mafia backed second favourite
17:04They're just ahead of
17:05Dope to the gills, mysterious limp
17:07And just behind them
17:08Out for a canter
17:09And I'll fall at the fifth
17:10And as they come to the fifth
17:11I'll fall at the fifth has fallen
17:12I'll fall at the fifth
17:13Has fallen at the fifth
17:14And a magnificent display of cheating
17:15And they're coming into the final furlong
17:16Mysterious limp is slowing
17:17Out for a canter
17:18Is clearly struggling
17:19But coming through strongly
17:20Is Mafia backed second favourite
17:21And as they cross the line
17:22Mafia backed second favourite
17:23Has won it
17:24Which is remarkable
17:25Seeing as he has no head
17:27That's been left in someone's bed
17:30For tomorrow morning
17:31Well done you
17:34Well done you
17:37Well done you
17:38Okay
17:39Frankie let's see what you've been left with
17:42And it's environment
17:47Didn't that used to be an advert for mints?
17:51Ryanair getting a hard time from the environmental lobby
17:54Because they've launched a seven pound flight
17:56To New York
17:58Although as always with Ryanair
17:59It does land
18:00Slightly outside New York
18:02In Dublin
18:06It's a pity we can't harness more natural energy isn't it?
18:09A pity we can't harness the power of British moaning
18:13Oh no that moaning powered light bulbs on the blink again
18:16Oh no there it is back on
18:20Everyone complained about the floods didn't they?
18:22I like storms
18:23I like thunder and lightning
18:24What I like to do during a storm
18:26Is shag my girlfriend
18:28Girlfriend
18:29And pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the anti-christ
18:32Frankie Boyle ladies and gentlemen
18:37And getting that round the points go to Frankie and you
18:40Thank you
18:49Okay this round is called
18:50Is this the answer?
18:51What is the question?
18:52On the board of six categories
18:53David which category would you like?
18:55Education please
18:57Okay your category is education
18:58The answer is 25 in a row
18:59What is the question?
19:00Um
19:01How many green bottles are standing on Charles Kennedy's windowsill?
19:07Is it you've just been picked up whilst hitchhiking
19:10What's the last thing you want to hear the truck driver chuckle
19:13As he nods towards the 24 empty rucksacks in the box?
19:20Is it for how many years has Romania's top female gymnast thought surely surely they will let me have puberty now?
19:28Is it for how often has Stephen Hawking failed his karate yellow belt grading?
19:40Is it for how many times has Dara Breein cracked one off on Blue Peter?
19:44It was unfair to draw her into a political battle
19:54Is it for how many times do you have a wankometer?
20:00Can a man not form a natural attachment to someone they've never met on the television without it resorting to masturbation jokes?
20:09He's just made a little shrine
20:15He's not made any little shrine
20:17And can I point out
20:18You're writing Dara fancies Connie on a piece of paper
20:27I think she's
20:28Twice been unfairly dragged into political discussions that are not of her doing
20:31And I just that's what I'm defending here
20:34Do you know when you have to make something out of paper mache
20:37Do you just not need glue?
20:42Is it for how many years has the UK finished bottom of the Eurovision Song Contest?
20:48We won it in 1997, I happen to know
20:50Didn't we?
20:56So, that shoots you down my friend
20:59Would you like to sing us that song David?
21:01Well I would but unfortunately a court order says I mustn't
21:06It was Katrina and the Waves actually
21:11Is it how many times does Victoria Beckham throw up during lunch?
21:15Is it how many letters are there after A?
21:18Is it?
21:19Cliff Richard has had 25 top 10 hits
21:25How many were shit?
21:29Is it?
21:31How many researchers from GMTV won phoning competitions last year?
21:37They're just very good on those questions
21:47I'm going to steer you towards the correct answer
21:50It is an education issue
21:52Is it to do with GCCs?
21:54It is to do with GCCs
21:55No actually no it's through at A levels actually
21:56Ok, the results are getting better every year
21:58And they have been for the past 25 years
22:00That's exactly right
22:01Well done Russell
22:07Yes, the question I was looking for is
22:09For how many years have this country's school exam results been improving?
22:12This is the news that in 2007 the UK's school exam grades
22:15Have improved for the 25th successive year
22:19With record pass rates and more people getting the top marks
22:21Leading to costs in some quarters for the exams to be made more difficult
22:24Well what's amazing about it
22:26No wonder kids are so disaffected in this country
22:28Like they get the best results ever
22:30And how do we respond?
22:31Do we say well done?
22:32No we go, well they're getting easier
22:34It might be
22:35It's like 50 essays in an hour
22:37And a man poked you with a stick
22:38If you got one wrong they killed your mum
22:39Now get out of my room
22:41And he sat there going
22:42Just back off grandad
22:43I'm cleverer than you
22:45You do put young people in this country in a ridiculous catch 22
22:48Where all the coverage is about how stupid young people are
22:50But you give them one chance to shine
22:52And then they all work really hard and get A's
22:54And then you tell them it's further proof that they're stupid
22:59What this is a massive argument in favour of
23:01Is a huge cut in funding for education
23:04Rather than making the exams harder
23:06Let's just make the pupils stupider
23:09Clearly too much money is going into education
23:11You're educating them too much at this stage
23:13People say that education's screwed
23:15And at this time of year it becomes clear that it's actually too good
23:19Better than we need
23:22The thing is though, everyone gets to go to university now anyway
23:25Because everything is a university
23:27It used to be you'd turn up to do a gig in a uni
23:29And you'd go, didn't this used to be a polytechnic?
23:31And now you turn up and you go, wasn't this an all night garage?
23:35Wasn't this a swimming pool last year?
23:37There's a thing in Scotland this week where they've introduced philosophy for primary school children
23:44Who'd already quite philosophical
23:46Having watched all their brothers and sisters die in a series of unrelated chip pan fires
23:53Are girls still doing better than boys?
23:55Ah, now boys apparently are closing that gap
23:58Yes, by only a tiny percentage
24:00There will always be differences
24:02Because boys want the taste and the girls want commitment
24:07I always find at school the one thing I could never work out was how to get girls bras
24:12Undone, I just couldn't work out
24:13And then eventually I realised that these girls were wearing a different type of bra from my gran
24:25It would be a good idea to get kids more in tune with what goes on in life, isn't it?
24:30I can remember spending a whole day finding out that wood lice quite liked dark, damp conditions
24:37I have never been able to use that piece of information in everyday life
24:41Yes
24:42When you're there in your flat, aren't you?
24:44Your girlfriend's left you, you've lost your job
24:46There's flood water lapping round your ankles
24:49It's going to be little consolation to you that you know wood lice would quite like these conditions
24:53I swear for five or six years in a row they explain autumn to you every year during the autumn
25:02And as far as I know there are very few jobs that are based on the understanding of autumn
25:07And also, isn't it something that happens anyway?
25:10It's not something you have to make a note of otherwise the trees aren't going to shed their leaves
25:14Can they just protect you from the shock of it happening again?
25:18Oh no! The world is dying!
25:21We've told you about this David
25:23We've told you about this a number of times now
25:26It seems to be able to forget
25:28Why are the trees naked?
25:30Isn't the whole thing with school though that it's never going to be as stimulating as life is now for children?
25:37Because they've got like blockbuster movies and video games
25:40You know, there's no way that school can be as stimulating as Tekken
25:45Sir, why have you got the head of a leopard?
25:47Quiet boy, fireball!
25:53Okay, which British sportsman will be looking for a new job soon?
25:57Tim Hainman is going to retire, isn't he?
25:59Apparently, yes, with a bad back, yeah
26:01He said his decision is because of his two young daughters
26:05Who regularly beat him in straight sets
26:08Surely he's actually going to try and retire
26:10And then never quite actually make it
26:13And he'll end up playing until he's 100 years old
26:16He'll just bottle the retirement just at the final minute
26:20I think to be fair to Hainman
26:22He was once the fourth in the world
26:24Let's not forget, once the fourth in the world
26:26And reached six Grand Slam finals
26:28Which is a great achievement for a totally shit player
26:32It's difficult to cheer on someone who in your heart of hearts
26:36You know you could probably beat yourself
26:38Yeah, but any new tennis sport
26:41Any new tennis sport, I mean any tennis sport on a regular basis
26:44We'll see around them
26:45Or perhaps be one of those people
26:46Who sits in a chair
26:47They're fat rolling over the sides going
26:50You're useless
26:51Get off the pitch
26:52I should be out there
26:54Gurgh
26:55Gurgh
26:56It would have to be said
26:57It would be pretty boring watching sport
26:59If you just sit there going
27:00Well I just think they're all excellent
27:01Well done to all the effort that's gone in
27:04And I don't actually care who wins
27:05Because I think sport wins here
27:08The fun of it is to go
27:10What's he doing?
27:11If Tim Henman had won Wimbledon
27:17It would have been so weird
27:19It would have actually torn a hole in our reality
27:22Oh Henman's won
27:23And here to present the trophy is
27:25Winston Churchill with the head of a bee
27:29Put it this way
27:30The last time a British player won
27:31The Nazis marched into the Rhineland
27:33So you know
27:34In 1977?
27:36No I'm talking about the men's
27:37Oh God
27:38In 1936
27:39That's when they went into the Rhineland isn't it?
27:40Yeah but actually in 1977
27:41The last time a British player won
27:43They released Star Wars
27:44Yeah
27:45And what's more
27:47In 1977 the year Connie Hook was born
27:49Not actually
27:51I'd like to see every sportsman do a final year of their career drunk
27:54I'd like to see every sportsman do a final year of their career drunk
27:57I'd like to see every sportsman do a final year of their career drunk
28:02Oh missed it
28:05Oh who cares
28:06I know you know
28:07Anyway
28:08David Beckham gonna have to take a penalty and just puking on their balls
28:13Very good
28:14We'll read the point to the end of that round to Frankie Hugh and Fiona
28:20Now we've come to our final quickfire round called Scenes We'd Like to See
28:23This is for everyone so if you could make your way over to the performance area please
28:27My call to ideas for scenarios we'd love to see
28:29And the performers come in with their suggestions
28:31Okay here we go
28:33The first subject tonight is
28:35Bad things to hear on an airplane
28:38In the event of the cabin decompressing oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling
28:43And untangling them will annoy you before you die
28:46Well if you look out of the port side window in just a minute or so you'll see me
28:56Bye
28:57Get those motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane
29:05That's the first cloud I've ever seen with a ski lift on it
29:17The only thing less likely than surviving crashing into the sea is the coast guard hearing the whistles on your life jacket
29:23Oh hi I've got a hobby farm would you like me to tell you all about it for the next nine hours
29:32Louisa and her in flight team will be looking after you today
29:38And your hijackers name is Ibrahim
29:41Hold on I've just entered us in the Red Bull challenge
29:48Will the fat people please move to the back of the plane
30:00This is a no smoking flight although do feel free to join me in the cockpit
30:04When we've opened a window
30:08I'm delighted to inform you all we have James Blunt on board today
30:12And he has his guitar
30:17I'm sorry due to unforeseen Islamic fundamentalism
30:20This plane is being diverted to paradise
30:25Punch it Chewie
30:29Okay the next topic is
30:31The worst person to be married to
30:34I'm not kissing that that's where we comes from
30:47I expect sex five or six times a night
30:51And I hope you won't mind me watching
30:57I love you lots
30:58Oh let's see what Mr. Tiddles thinks of you
31:00What do you think?
31:01Die bitch!
31:04Gr�
31:14Brace yourself Agnes, it's that time of year again
31:16These are my late rabbits's ashes
31:19Say hello
31:21When I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV.
31:36I brought home a video to turn us on.
31:39It's Fred Gibner's Age of Steam.
31:45You thought I was a Thai lady.
31:47Well, you are half right.
31:52Of course we're going to go out tonight.
31:55It's Hitler's birthday.
32:00He's my dad. We do everything together.
32:07You want me to put my ding-a-ling into your fairy cave?
32:10Are you mad, woman?
32:14Now, before we really get going, just wink at the webcam.
32:17All right, boys.
32:21I've contracted so many sexually transmitted diseases, I now ejaculate penicillin.
32:33But you can't use that toilet.
32:35That's my toilet.
32:37He sleeps in the bed with us, okay? Don't make me choose between you and the wolf.
32:47She's my sex wife. She's my cooking wife. You are cleaning wife.
32:55I'm happy to say I do. I do animals.
33:01I do animals.
33:05Okay.
33:06Point to the end of the round with Russell, David and Andy.
33:09And that is the end of the show.
33:18This week's winners are Frankie Boyd, Hugh Dennis and Fiona Allen.
33:26Commiserations to Andy Parsons, David Mitchell and Russell Howard.
33:30Thank you for watching. I'm Darren Green. Good night.
33:37Enjoy.
33:38Thank you, man.
34:07You
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