Mock the Week - Season 7 Episode 05- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Stewart Francis, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Zoe Lyons
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00:00I've been throughout the world, don't believe it, everything you see I hear, read all about it, read all about it, this is the world, this is the world, read all about it, read all about it, this is the world, this is the world.
00:26Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Daryl Breen, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Stuart Francis.
00:38We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question, on the board are six categories, Zoe which category would you like?
00:53Um, politics please. OK, your category is politics, the answer is 50%, what is the question?
00:59What is the name of 50 cent's mathematician brother?
01:03Is it what does Heather Mowes save on Emac?
01:07What is the most you'll have to pay for a sofa at DFS?
01:15What is a bad answer to the phrase, how much do you love me?
01:21Is it the percentage of ant and deck that is forehead?
01:27Is it, you're a 19 year old, Quaswegian male, how much of your life is left?
01:35Is it, if I entered an orgy covered in Marmite, what would be my success rate?
01:41But to be honest, yeah.
01:47I always find that when people say, oh I'm a Marmite kind of person, people either love me or hate me, they're always people that everybody hates.
01:55Is it how much of Silvio Berlusconi is made of oil?
01:59Is it what percentage of the population, rather than a TV debate, would like to see Cameron and Brown have a cage fight?
02:07I would love to see that.
02:09So would I?
02:10Yeah.
02:11Who would win then?
02:12I would imagine Brown.
02:13Yeah.
02:14He's got moves.
02:15He's also got that dislocatable jaw.
02:16Yeah, he can actually swallow your hooves.
02:17He can swallow you.
02:18He can actually take your jaw down.
02:19Yeah.
02:20Imagine that.
02:21Wouldn't that be incredible?
02:22If Cameron ran towards you.
02:23Cameron's legs.
02:24Cameron's legs.
02:25Is it what was the proportion of cats that died during the making of my ill-fated television pilot, Cat vs Bleach?
02:35That would be 100%, surely.
02:40Do we have an answer that we can do?
02:42I think it's, what percentage of the top jobs in the Labour Party does Harriet Harman think should be filled by women?
02:50Absolutely right.
02:51Very good.
02:52Well done, Hugh.
02:53Yes, the question I was looking for was, according to Harriet Harman, what proportion of the top two posts in the Labour Party should be allocated to Harriet Harman?
03:03Or more generally, women?
03:06The deputy leader of the Labour Party, Harriet Harman, said that either her post or the job of leader should always be occupied by a woman because, in her words, men cannot be left to run things on their own.
03:17For actual words.
03:19Oh, listen, did you hear that bingo wings in the corner?
03:22Yeah.
03:23I mean, no, you know, there is something about representation of women at the high levels of government, but that actual code does make it seem like every time she left the room, it would turn into a chimp's tea party.
03:33Yeah, turn it up.
03:36When she comes back in, they go, oh, sorry.
03:38Yeah.
03:39It's true, though, isn't it, that women are underrepresented in the top.
03:43Yes, they are.
03:44Of course.
03:45In Italy, for example, there are lots of women in the top jobs.
03:47You can be, Bela Scogna will put you in the cabinet in Italy at the age of 19.
03:50If you're good enough.
03:52So you can see where it's going.
03:53Harriet Harman's an incredible figure, isn't she?
03:55Do you know that Harriet Harman, when she first came to my attention, she wrote a book about the history of feminism, which she dedicated to her husband?
04:02She's mistaking sexism with people hating her.
04:08She is always saying stupid things, isn't she?
04:12She said, she said she is Radio 2 to Gordon Brown's Radio 4.
04:18And you're thinking, well, she's not Radio 2.
04:21Radio 2 is the most popular radio station in this country.
04:25If she's anything, she's Isle of White FM on a Sunday morning at 3 o'clock in January, when the transmission mast is broken.
04:37Some are watching this, there is the guy who does the 3 o'clock in the morning.
04:43Why am I the shorthand for crap?
04:47Wouldn't it be great if he looks exactly like Harriet Harman as well?
04:51This is not...
04:53Their female politicians always have an element of freakishness, don't they?
04:57She's a bit of a freak.
04:58Hazel Bliars looks like Gianfrancozola humped an Oompa Loompa.
05:02And Margaret Beckett looks like a face trapped in a haunted mirror!
05:08As opposed to Alistair Darwin!
05:13Nice to...
05:14A former winner of Miss Teen USA!
05:16Yeah, and...
05:17And John Prescott!
05:18Why are we led by the least among us?
05:20Is that the only ones who are fool enough to do us?
05:23Maybe one of the qualifications to become an MP is you have to be born inside out.
05:27That's one of the things.
05:28You can quite clearly sustain your organs on the outside.
05:31Come on in!
05:33The thing about Harriet Harman as well is that she's wonderfully dappy.
05:37I don't know if you knew this, but her blog was recently broken into,
05:40and they said she'd defected to the Tories.
05:42And do you know how they found out?
05:43Do you know what her password was?
05:44Harriet Harman.
05:46Yeah.
05:47They said that if the Lehman Brothers had actually been the Lehman Sisters,
05:51that the banking crisis wouldn't have been as bad as it was.
05:54I think that's utter rubbish.
05:55Yeah, absolutely.
05:56I'm sorry.
05:57I think if there were girls in charge of the Lehman's,
05:58have they just gone sodditch?
05:59We'd just spend it on shoes?
06:00Yeah, yeah.
06:01Come on!
06:02A billion on Jimmy Choo!
06:04It is a ridiculous argument, the Lehman Brothers.
06:06The Lehman Brothers.
06:07I mean, you could just choose any pun at that stage.
06:08Yeah.
06:09Well, if the Lehman Brothers were the gaymen brothers,
06:10then the gaymen would have gone much better.
06:13You could say that in tennis, you could go,
06:15well, if the Williams sisters were...
06:16Well, that's a bad example.
06:18The thing is, it just comes down to the fact that they're saying
06:21women are better with money.
06:23That's what she's saying, which is simply not true.
06:25No man bought Mamma Mia.
06:27There isn't a man that's listened to Duffy.
06:29Everywhere you go...
06:30Duffy, please, I love this stuff.
06:33It really sings to me.
06:35It isn't a man.
06:36This is a direct pop at my girlfriend.
06:38He spent 30 quid on a doorstop that's a hedgehog.
06:42It's going to be able to come on a TV show, though,
06:46and have a go at your girlfriend, isn't it?
06:48Don't get in the doorstop!
06:51I think if women are genuinely better with money,
06:55I think we should put Kerry Katona in charge of Barclays
06:58and see what happens.
07:00I think we all know what Harriet needs.
07:04Our support, because she's right.
07:07Bankers are sexist and bankers are laddish,
07:10but that isn't the reason that the banks collapsed.
07:12It's not like people were going there,
07:14what did the derivatives close out?
07:15I don't know, I was giving Jason a wedgie.
07:19I think if it's got to be a man and a woman that's in charge,
07:21let's have Richard and Judy.
07:24Judy can recommend a few books while we wait for the bombs
07:26to arrive from all the countries that Richard has offended.
07:30If there is an argument, it has to be said that she,
07:33a point of view, a female leader,
07:34would a Labour be more electable under a female leader?
07:36And she's right, it would be more electable under...
07:39It would be electable under anyone, frankly,
07:41if they elected a hat stand or a jar of hummus to run the...
07:44If they elected...
07:45If the Labour Party chose the H1N1 virus to leave him
07:48into the next election,
07:49it would do better than they will under Gordon Brown.
07:53Why has Lord Mandelson been in the news this week?
07:55He's building a Death Star.
07:57There he is.
08:00Dun, dun, dun, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun.
08:03It's been suggested that he should take over as Labour leader
08:05because just, there's not enough evil.
08:08Not enough evil, we need a vampire at the helm.
08:12Just projecting pure evil from his eyes in bolts.
08:16He always comes back, he comes back stronger.
08:18He's like thrush or something.
08:21Now he's a lord!
08:22Who made him a lord? The Sith!
08:25Not a good photograph of someone who looks slightly scary at the best of time.
08:29Feel free at home to draw a tiny moustache under his nose.
08:32It's a good effect of that photograph.
08:34He's so reptilian, when that woman threw green slime in his face,
08:38I thought he was bleeding.
08:42He's not actually going to prosecute the woman who threw green crust at him,
08:45and do you know the reason that he's not going to prosecute her?
08:48Loves custard.
08:50The reason is that apparently, right, Ruth Kelly, she got egged,
08:54she decided to prosecute the person who egged her,
08:57went along to court, and on her way to court to prosecute,
09:00she got egged again.
09:01He was MP for Hartlepool.
09:05Yeah, yeah.
09:06How did that work?
09:07He was MP for Hartlepool for 12 years,
09:09a europhilic homosexual.
09:11It's like John Barrowman being president of Afghanistan.
09:15I like to think that he would have formed a sort of odd couple friendship
09:19with the leader of the local Labour Council.
09:22Peter, you teach me how to appreciate Don Giovanni,
09:26I'll show you how to fight a dog.
09:28OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Frankie Hugh and Stuart.
09:36Our next round is called Newsreel.
09:38We play on a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
09:40and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
09:43This week's clip features the royal family.
09:45Oh, well, Mother, another day, another state occasion.
09:49Must be very tiring.
09:50Do you ever feel like hanging up the old boots
09:52and handing over to someone younger?
09:54Don't be ridiculous, Charles.
09:55William isn't ready yet.
09:58Which way do we go?
09:59Oh, just go to the right.
10:00A bit more to the right.
10:01That's it.
10:02To the right.
10:03Go to the right.
10:04Oh, bollocks, she's missed it.
10:06Fairly worth digging the hole.
10:08Can I get you some food, Mother?
10:09What would you like?
10:10Pufferfish?
10:11Strychnine?
10:12Deadly nightshade?
10:13They do some lovely sushi here.
10:14I think I've got some, er, polonium in my pocket.
10:17Yes.
10:19Look, do give it a rest, Charles.
10:20You've got to get it into your head.
10:22My reign, so far, has been that long.
10:24But it will be that long.
10:27That long.
10:28That long.
10:29That long.
10:30I hope I make myself clear that long.
10:31This long, that long.
10:32You see?
10:33I don't know why the bloke is so upset.
10:34I just asked him if he was a cannibal.
10:42Now we play a round called Mock the Nine O'clock News.
10:45This game involves Zoe, Stuart, Andy and Russell.
10:48So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
10:51This is where we test our performance stand-up skills.
10:53We spin our news generator.
10:54It settles on a topic.
10:55And anyone can volunteer jokes about the chosen subject.
10:57The winners are the people I judge to produce the funniest stuff.
11:00Okay, here we go.
11:01Let's spin the wheel.
11:04The first subject is finance.
11:05Can I have a volunteer to talk about that?
11:07Andy.
11:10British Airways, their answer is the credit crunch.
11:12They've asked their employees,
11:14can you come into work for nothing for a month?
11:17Or take a month off unpaid?
11:21There's a tricky choice, isn't there?
11:24And who is going to want to fly British Airways?
11:27The last thing you want to hear when you get on the plane,
11:30this is your captain speaking.
11:32I'm not being paid today.
11:36Good luck.
11:39I am looking forward to seeing the credit crunch version of Monopoly.
11:43You know, instead of getting £1,500 from the bank,
11:47you have to lend the bank £1,500.
11:49And then everybody keeps on going round the board with nobody buying any property whatsoever.
11:56Because they always think it's going to be cheaper next time they go around.
12:00Well done Andy.
12:03Well done Andy.
12:06OK, let's spin the wheel again.
12:09The subject is Sarah Palin.
12:11Who wants to talk about that?
12:12I'm sorry.
12:13Ah, Sarah Palin.
12:15She was apparently an ex-beauty queen of a town in Alaska called Wasilla.
12:21And the press were very keen on this.
12:23They kept saying, you know, the beauty queen Sarah Palin, the ex-beauty queen, the beauty queen Sarah Palin.
12:27Let me tell you something people, Wasilla is a very, very small town.
12:32Population age, possibly 9,000 people at the best of times.
12:36To call it a one horse town is to over exaggerate the number of horses in that town by one.
12:42They timeshare a horse with another shithole down the road.
12:46Now, my brother used to live in Anchorage, Alaska and I have been to Wasilla
12:50and in the five minutes it took us to drive across Wasilla,
12:54I was voted beauty queen of Wasilla.
12:59It was no big deal, honestly, an otter and a caribou came second and third.
13:04I agree, Chloe.
13:08That leaves us with Stuart and Russell.
13:10Let's spin the wheel again.
13:13The next topic is men's health.
13:14Who wants to come in on that?
13:18Russell.
13:19I went to the doctors recently with anal issues.
13:24I thought I had cancer, not I can't put my CDs in order.
13:27But, it's a terrifying moment, right?
13:30So scary, cos in your head you're like, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.
13:32And I went there and I took them down my trousers.
13:34Obviously we had a chat first and it just...
13:37I'm not very well.
13:39You can see that mate, this is a chip shop.
13:42You've never done it slower in your life.
13:44I was just peeling them down, I got them down to about there.
13:47Just heard his booming voice go, in the other room.
13:51And...
13:53You have a decision to make there.
13:54Do you pull them up or do you waddle with pride, right?
13:57You waddle, that's what you do.
13:58When you waddle you can't help but giggle.
14:00The last thing you need...
14:01Is to be giggling, this poor man's gonna pop his finger in your Richard.
14:05Because now...
14:06You're a wiggling target, right?
14:09I'll be honest, when the finger goes in, you're not laughing anymore!
14:13You're like a red arrow!
14:15And that's the moment they chat.
14:16How you doing?
14:17Fine.
14:19You draw the curtains, we've gathered quite a crowd.
14:21Look at that, it's eight trim steps and he's getting violated!
14:25Oh yes, hello!
14:31Okay, Stuart, let's see what you've been left with.
14:33Let's spin the wheel.
14:36And the topic is school.
14:37You, uh, you are looking at a very proud Canadian
14:42who's very proud of the education system in Canada.
14:48No, I was horrible in school.
14:49I failed math so many times I can't even count.
14:55I preferred French over chemistry
14:57because the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any, um...
15:02Rapport.
15:03One teacher said I'd be a better student if I spent less time flirting.
15:09I immediately jumped off his lap.
15:14One teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant,
15:17but you know what?
15:18That was his or her opinion.
15:25I was going to join the debating team,
15:27but someone talked me out of it.
15:33In high school I was voted most likely to...
15:36Reminisce.
15:45Okay, at the end of that round,
15:46the points go to Zoe and Stuart!
15:48APPLAUSE
15:56Our next round is called Headliners.
15:57Here's a picture of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
15:59but what does ACIP stand for?
16:03Is it Abdul's Carpets? Irresistible Prices?
16:07Is it another celebrity introduces perfume?
16:10What would be...
16:14Sorry, stench of desert?
16:16Stench of atomic cloud.
16:17Has he forgotten...
16:19Has he forgotten that he comes from an Islamic country
16:22and he's going,
16:23Happy Christmas, I'm pissed!
16:26Is it a Columbo impersonator performs?
16:30Uh, am I torturing you? I'm sorry, am I torturing you?
16:36I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:37This is just going to take five fingers.
16:39I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:40Mrs. Columbo loved your bombing.
16:43Mrs. Columbo actually voted for you.
16:48Is it aliens capture Iranian president
16:51and he's there going,
16:53phone home?
16:56I'll give you a clue.
16:57The A doesn't sound for Ahmadinejad.
16:59Alan Carr is priceless.
17:01No, it doesn't sound for Alan.
17:02It sounds for Ayatollah.
17:03Ayatollah.
17:04It's Aladdin.
17:05Ayatollah confirms Iranian president.
17:08Very good, well done Hugh, thank you very much.
17:13Yes, the answer I was looking for was
17:15Ayatollah confirms Iranian president.
17:17This is the story that Ayatollah Khamenei
17:19has finally occurred Mahboud Ahmadinejad
17:21the winner of June's Iranian presidential election
17:23despite ongoing protests.
17:25But what was incredible about it,
17:26so basically they recused of stealing the election
17:28and then people protested
17:30and then Ahmadinejad said,
17:32you know who's to blame, don't you?
17:33Britain.
17:34And we all went, eh?
17:36We're watching Wimbledon, mate.
17:38We're watching a hairy Scottish man do very well.
17:42He was savvy, it was his opponent, wasn't it?
17:44And after the election he had his supporters
17:46come out and marched
17:48and then Ahmadinejad's supporters came out
17:50and did a counter-march
17:51and then there was another march
17:53and it was basically,
17:54if only we had some way of telling
17:56who had the most supporters,
17:58like maybe some sort of election or something.
18:01Don't we need to get perspective here?
18:03OK, they arrest protesters,
18:05we arrested protesters after G20,
18:07they killed a protester,
18:09we killed a guy who wasn't even protesting.
18:12They've got Shariah Law, that isn't very nice to women,
18:15we've got Jude Law.
18:19How did you become, how did you come to the attention of a lot of people over here?
18:25Twitter.
18:26They used Twitter.
18:27It was a beautiful, it was a beautiful story about that,
18:30when Ahmadinejad, ugh, when Ahmadinejad.
18:32It's not a name that you can't pronounce,
18:34but it's a name that you have to think about just before you pronounce.
18:37Yes.
18:38He probably thinks that everybody's just incredibly dramatic.
18:40Hello, President Ahmadinejad.
18:43What is he?
18:44Why is everybody so, so arch in Iran?
18:47I don't know, President Ahmadinejad.
18:49It's funny, but the...
18:50What was amazing about the Twitter story...
18:52Yeah.
18:53...was that, um, because they're so scared of protesting,
18:55that the way they were going to protest,
18:56when Ahmadinejad was going to be on TV,
18:58they were going to put on every household appliance,
19:00so that they could try and cause a blackout to get him off telly.
19:03Isn't that beautiful?
19:04He's on, put on the kettle,
19:06plug in the hoover,
19:08and you're there sat there with your tetlis going,
19:12I'm part of a reverence.
19:14Yeah, yeah.
19:15It was all Twitter was all, obviously, on one side,
19:17until Ahmadinejad himself went on Twitter,
19:20and he tweeted,
19:21hey, everybody, some crazy stories about the election,
19:23but sadly got pwned.
19:25Mega lols.
19:26And all these are bad.
19:29Like, this is the endorsement.
19:30For God, I'm sorry.
19:31This is a sense of scare.
19:32This is a country that aspires towards nuclear weaponry,
19:34this is their presidential endorsement.
19:36That's a raffle at a school hall, right?
19:40I actually played that club,
19:42and it's very distracting with those three guys behind it.
19:46He also doesn't seem to have any feet.
19:49Where have his feet come from?
19:51Hey, let me use, what is this?
19:53That's a chart.
19:55It's a chart, yes.
19:56A chart of what?
19:57This is a new point system that immigrants must adhere to
20:00if they want to live in this country.
20:01Yes, you get bonus points if you get English,
20:03and you lose points if you fail to integrate,
20:06which seems harsh in the initial interview.
20:09You turn up dress as a pearly queen.
20:11Oi, oi!
20:13Good integrating, well done.
20:15It's basically racist, isn't it?
20:18What, people are going to have to learn English
20:20to get a British passport.
20:22No, I'm afraid it's my family and I will be murdered
20:25if we go home.
20:26Not my family and me.
20:27Back to the Sudan with you.
20:30They want you to learn British history,
20:31but essentially,
20:32British history is us invading their country,
20:36enslaving their people,
20:38and then nicking their natural resources.
20:40Always good to remind them of that
20:42before we welcome them into the country.
20:46Nobody says this, right?
20:47If you're seeking asylum in this country,
20:49you probably need asylum, right?
20:52If you come from a sunny country,
20:54and you want to move to Birmingham,
20:57someone in your homeland is trying to murder you.
21:01If you're walking up to Preston
21:03looking for a better life,
21:05things have gone very badly wrong
21:07where you come from.
21:09Let those people in.
21:10Don't say to those people,
21:11hey, you're a heart surgeon in your homeland,
21:14but you read very badly from Beowulf.
21:16Yes.
21:17We'll have to let you go.
21:19It's unfair, isn't it?
21:20Because it always comes down,
21:22they should, they have to know things
21:23about Winston Churchill.
21:24You ask anyone in this country,
21:26give us a famous quote from Churchill,
21:28and I guarantee they'll go,
21:29oh, yes.
21:33This is to the point to get you
21:35live into the country.
21:36Currently, there is a life in the UK test,
21:39which features questions like this.
21:41After the Second World War,
21:42where did British tech,
21:43southern engineering firms
21:44send agents to find workers?
21:46Now, judging by the reaction
21:48both the audience here
21:49and six blank faces here,
21:51and even more weirdly,
21:53there's another question
21:54from the life skills test.
21:56Where does Santa Claus come from?
21:58There's debate in this country
22:00about that particular issue.
22:01There is no hard and fast answer
22:03to that one,
22:04but that is among them.
22:05Why don't you just,
22:06if you really want people to mix in,
22:07just give them a simple
22:08finish the sentence question
22:09with questions like,
22:10the referees are,
22:12what?
22:14And if they can finish that,
22:15like the,
22:16Frosty's there,
22:17what?
22:20Why don't we just go the whole hog,
22:22admit we're racist,
22:23and at Immigration Control
22:24have a Dulux wall chart,
22:26and when people rock up,
22:28we go, eh, burnt umber,
22:29I'm afraid not.
22:31Autumn sunset,
22:32in you come,
22:33just...
22:36By the way,
22:37this announcement of this new
22:38plan on immigration,
22:39what made it slightly awkward,
22:41in terms of timing.
22:42It was a fantastic story,
22:43because there was an illegal immigrant
22:44found hiding underneath a bus,
22:46that was full of people
22:47who work for immigration.
22:48Yes, it was.
22:49Isn't that a brilliant story?
22:50It was a bus,
22:51it was a bus carrying staff
22:52of the UK border agency,
22:54and an illegal immigrant
22:55clambered underneath it
22:56and hid beside the fuel tank,
22:57the last place they'll look.
22:58It is,
22:59it was that place.
23:00Just for cheekiness,
23:01he should be allowed in,
23:02because that is brilliant,
23:03that is what,
23:04that is like a mouse
23:05sneaking into the house
23:06by holding onto the cat's neck,
23:07isn't it?
23:10Well, apparently,
23:11when they got to Forkston,
23:12he just legged it.
23:13I'd have loved to have been
23:14on that bus,
23:15and seen those guys go,
23:16well, I think that went quite well,
23:17don't you?
23:18Oh dear, who's that chap?
23:20I don't want to sound racist,
23:21but there's no way
23:22that any of us are going to
23:23catch him over 5,000 metres.
23:26Okay, at the end of that round,
23:27the points go to Frankie
23:28Hugh and Stuart.
23:29Now we come to our final
23:34quickfire round,
23:35called Scenes We'd Like To See.
23:36This is for everyone,
23:37so if you could make your way
23:38to the performance area,
23:39please.
23:40I caught ideas for scenarios
23:41we'd love to see,
23:42and the performers
23:43come in with their suggestions.
23:46Okay, here we go.
23:47The first subject is
23:49unlikely lines from a thriller.
23:52Michael, Peter, David, Vladimir,
23:56I think we may have a spy
23:58in the organisation.
24:01Give me the Pentagon,
24:02then the triangle,
24:03and then the square.
24:10Ah, pussy galore, Bond here.
24:12I've been told by my doctor
24:14that I need to contact
24:16all previous partners.
24:22The owner of this motel
24:23dresses up as his mother
24:25and stabs people.
24:27But the guidebook says
24:28it's still better than the Ibis.
24:33I want you to go to Warsaw
24:34and meet a man called Borislav.
24:36You'll then ask him
24:37why he didn't fix my plumbing
24:39before he left the home.
24:44Miss Scarlet looked at him
24:45through the window.
24:46He had one massive testicle
24:47like a space hopper.
24:49That was why they called him
24:50Professor Plum.
24:53This is no ordinary pen, Bond.
24:58Turn it upside down,
24:59the woman's clothes drop off
25:01and you can see it.
25:06Red or green, red or green,
25:07which do I cut?
25:08Come on, they're only peppers.
25:09How long is this salad
25:10going to take?
25:14We need to find the third man.
25:15There's no way Amanda Holden
25:16will shag just two of us.
25:17Yes?
25:18Simon.
25:19The Orient Express has been cancelled.
25:32However, there was a murder
25:33on the temporary Orient replacement bus.
25:36I have amnesia.
25:41The tattoos on my body
25:42will tell me what happened.
25:46Dara was here.
25:47I'd been a serial killer for four years,
25:55but they'd never given me a nickname.
25:57Then, you bite one guy in the ass,
26:00and suddenly you're the butt muncher.
26:02The butt muncher's got me!
26:05The butt muncher's got me!
26:06The butt muncher's got me!
26:07The butt muncher's got me!
26:10OK, the next topic is...
26:12Bad things to say at a wedding.
26:19I do.
26:27Don't worry, the vows are simple.
26:29Just repeat after me.
26:30Eeny, meeny, mackereck,
26:31a rare, rye, dominack,
26:32a tick-a-pock, a lollipopper,
26:33a rom-pom push.
26:37And we will now sing hymn number 225,
26:39My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
26:44When John went down on one knee,
26:46I wish I'd known that he was having a stroke.
26:51I'd like to thank Elsie for the flowers.
26:53It was her funeral I nicked them from.
26:58So your best man's in an absolute state.
27:01That's my mum.
27:02Now, it's my job to tell some amusing stories about Gavin.
27:09So, first of all, for a kick-off,
27:12he's a hermaphrodite.
27:17My bride always wears white.
27:19Isn't that right, Dolly?
27:20Baaah!
27:27Right, Carol's family have always had their doubts about me.
27:30So, first of all, let me explain why I'm naked.
27:38This is my first gay wedding.
27:40So, you must be the pretty one.
27:42To my new son-in-law, I would say this.
27:48You have released me.
27:49This monster is yours now.
27:55I would like to apologise for the state of my clothes
27:58and the smell of sick only I spent last night in a skip.
28:02Anyway, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.
28:12People have said to me,
28:13why have you stopped being a bachelor after so long?
28:15And I say, well, look at her.
28:17She's wealthy and she's dying.
28:24It wouldn't be a traditional Norfolk wedding
28:25without a speech from the father of the bride and groom.
28:32That's the end of that round.
28:33The points go to Frankie, Hugh and Stuart.
28:42That's the end of the show.
28:43This week's winners are Frankie Boyd, Hugh Dennis
28:45and Stuart Francis.
28:50Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Howard.
28:57I'm Gara Breen.
28:58Good night.
29:05The weird acts, the deluded wannabes
29:08and the judges you just love to hate.
29:10Why do we go and put stars in their eyes?
29:13It's the funny side of talent shows on BBC Two next.
29:23Well, perfect look.
29:24And so I really thank you for the echoing agent of our
29:26of the facil justice purpose of,
29:27that the joke that here it does right.
29:30Go.
29:32To the right, I promise not one.
29:33I'm the one.
29:35Now, much better.
29:36It's the light to the fact
29:36Here's the silence.
29:39And so on the screen.
29:40I come on with Steve Allen.
29:42They're so glad.
29:44Which I throw it around.
29:45Thanks for coming on,
29:46to you.
29:47I taka ma 15.
29:48I push the fat strace.
29:49It was the most parking cost that
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