Mock the Week - Season 7 Episode 10- Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle, Jack Whitehall, Andy Parsons, Russell Howard, Ed Byrne
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00:00Mock the world, don't believe it, everything you see or hear.
00:08Read all about it, read all about it.
00:14Make sure the world, make sure the world.
00:16Read all about it, read all about it.
00:22Make sure the world, make sure the world.
00:24Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara O'Brien.
00:31Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Russell Howard, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Jack Whitehall.
00:44We start with a round called Headliners.
00:46Here's a picture of the three main party leaders, but what does TLDP stand for?
00:51Is it Tinky Winky, La La?
00:54Is it just left or right?
01:00Is it just go Tory, Liberal Democrat, pillock?
01:04Or is it Tory, Labour, Dunno, pass.
01:09Is it Tinky Bojangle, lovers, discuss preferences?
01:13To be honest, it looks like the dullest fruit machine ever.
01:17I think it just, you can't see them in the photograph, but it's tiny ladies, delight politicians.
01:26I don't know what it is, it's Tory's love dinosaur porn.
01:29I have this on track.
01:31William Hayes regularly, it's the only way you can have sex if he's dressed as a T-Rex.
01:35To be honest, does he pin his little arms in and everything?
01:41Nice!
01:43Televised leaders' debate proposed?
01:45Very good, Frankie, get that there.
01:47Yes, the answer, as Oliver Walsh, televised leaders' debate proposed.
01:54This is a story that Sky News has invited the three major parties to take part in a primetime studio debate
02:00in the run-up to the next general election.
02:01It would be the first of its kind to take place in the UK.
02:05So would you watch this?
02:05How can Gordon Brown possibly go on television and hope that it's going to go well?
02:11With his smile, that very smile, what did he say to his media advisor?
02:17I want to look like I've just been punched up the arse.
02:21He can't stand beside David Cameron because he'll look like he's melting.
02:27The only logical debate between the two sides, we have a debate between Margaret Thatcher and Peter Mandelson
02:32because it'll be like Alien versus Predator.
02:36No questions, the winner is the one who manages to devour the other's head.
02:41They reckon that they will try and persuade him on there because they're going to say that they'll empty chair anybody who doesn't show up.
02:47Now, when Roy Hattersley didn't show up once, they booked him, didn't they, a tub of lard.
02:52The empty chair thing is intriguing, though, because they said, Sky News have basically said,
02:56we've booked it, it's happening, and you can turn up or not turn up.
02:59So the empty chair thing is a possibility because Brown said he's not going to go.
03:02So there is every chance that, like, under the law, they have to give the chair equal amount of time to the other two.
03:09And I think the chair could win.
03:11In that situation.
03:13And you can go over the chair.
03:14Absolutely, because they would watch it and go, I'm sick of hearing these people argue, but I'm enjoying the chair.
03:19Is this going to be on Sky?
03:21If the future of your nation brought to you by dominoes.
03:27And every answer would come with a whoosh noise.
03:31And Andy Gray would run backwards over, well, you see what he did there.
03:34And they'd go, every time they lie, we should have a child just come on and kick him in the nads.
03:38Wouldn't that be fine, tell me, just a little innocent kid.
03:41Wallop.
03:42Recession, 2010.
03:43Ah!
03:44Actually, better than that, if you would, every time they had a lie, a child would come out and just cry a single tear.
03:49How could you, how could you?
03:54There is a, one of the objections, it's not going to happen.
03:57Of course it's not going to happen.
03:57Because Gordon Brown said he's not going to do it.
03:59Yeah.
04:00And you can't, Sky News have this weird field of dreams, if you build it, they will come.
04:04He's going, we're going to do the show anyway, and we'll do it with air.
04:08You can't just make the Prime Minister do a TV show on a poxy cable news channel.
04:14You can't just go, oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I can make it that day.
04:16I'm running the country.
04:19Badly, I'll admit, but nevertheless.
04:22It's even so predictable as well, that's the, because whenever Gordon Brown goes on, the policies are always, it's always, to get out of the economy, we need to spend, spend, spend.
04:29And like, the only time I ever want to turn on my TV and have someone with one eye, pleading with me to part with my cash, is put children in need bags.
04:37That's it.
04:38It's also not going to happen on Sky.
04:40I tell you, it's absolutely not going to happen at all, because Sky relies on advertising, and who is going to advertise in the middle of a debate between the world's dullest politicians?
04:46Every break, there's just going to be one long ad for the Dignitas Clinic.
04:49They're talking about having this hand-picked audience, and you're thinking, no, that will be dull.
05:01Get in a few rowdies, you know, and then each time Nick Clegg stands up, you're going to have a whole bunch of people going, who are you?
05:09Who are you?
05:11Who are you?
05:12Nick Clegg could get an actor to stand in for him, couldn't he?
05:15Because nobody really knows who he is.
05:17People the next day would be going, oh, Nick Clegg was very relaxed, wasn't he?
05:21Very authoritative, yes, and surprisingly like Jeff Bridges.
05:26Nick Clegg could get one of the animatronics from Walt Disney.
05:30He could get, like, the bear that plays the guitar to come out and go, Nick Clegg, I didn't understand much of his policies, but he played the banjo exceptionally well.
05:38It's got to be a better idea than PMQs.
05:40Do you ever watch that?
05:41I mean, I love PMQs.
05:42Oh, no, it's not.
05:43Every time somebody agrees, have you ever made a point that someone got a good point and have your mates go, ah, ah, ah, ah, the noise they make, it sounds like somebody's put Boris Johnson in a blender.
05:52That is, it's so good because they're so childish during the primary discussion.
05:56Yeah, but that's amazing to put down.
05:57It's so fun, that's why I want to see in the debate, then, to be like, right, let's get proceedings underway.
06:00Yeah, that's what your dad said last night when he was bombing your brother.
06:02Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
06:06You know, they're talking about presenting this, David Frost?
06:08David Frost, yeah.
06:08He's the front runner.
06:09How is David Frost going to present?
06:11Are they going to pull his head out of the freezer it sits in beside Walt Disney's?
06:16He frosted in the microwave.
06:17The last time David Frost interviewed three men, they were following a star.
06:22As a sequel, Frost Clegg, you can quite have that Oscar ring to it.
06:29He's also quite likely to go, number 10, who wants to live in a house like this?
06:35I think the other thing with David Cameron, I think, and it's because he's posh, and we all know that, but I think he should go on the defensive a little bit more, because I realise that I'm quite posh, and I've always taken the view, you know, if people give me shit for it, sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, I'm with Bupa.
06:50You know, kind of, you know, my fundamental objection to the idea of a debate between the leaders is that it is an American idea.
07:03I can't bear the idea that it's an American idea.
07:04It's like one of those ideas that we've imported, like, nobody has a school leavers disco anymore.
07:08They all have a high school prom, and they all turn up in little bow ties and a ball gown.
07:12How do you know?
07:13Because he's cruising around in an empty limo.
07:17Yeah, you like the hip-hop?
07:22Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
07:24Ladies.
07:26It is so half-baked.
07:28If they want that to be properly American, they want to get one of the nerdy kids to come in with a rifle and shoot everyone.
07:33What?
07:39In other news, which party leader is also likely to appear on TV?
07:43Nick Griffin is going to be on question time, laying it down.
07:46B-N-B-N-P.
07:47B-N-P, Nick Griffin, yes.
07:48Nick Griffin appearing on question time.
07:50What nobody's told Nick Griffin is that this particular episode is being hosted by the Wu-Tang Clan.
07:57At Princeton Academy.
07:59Hey, Method Man here.
08:00I believe our first question is from Mike Tyson.
08:02Every single photo you see of him in the paper, he always looks like his wife's having sex with Aisley Harriot.
08:11I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
08:13We characterise people every week on this show, and so welcome to the game, Nick.
08:16You look like fat Hitler.
08:17There's no way to run.
08:20He looks like a jowly adult.
08:21He looks like a plucked owl that's been fast-tracked for management at Gregg's.
08:32I mean, everyone says, if everyone's defending the notion of putting the BNP on question time,
08:37because everyone says, hey, when they go on, they'll just sound like idiots,
08:40and they'll show themselves up for the idiots that they are.
08:43Like, if someone's an idiot, no one's going to vote for them.
08:45The Mayor of London is Boris Johnson.
08:52The Equality Commission or whatever have now said that they can't have only white members.
08:58They're not allowed to do that.
08:59They're going to have to start accepting black and Asian members in the BNP.
09:03It would be fantastic to say, Trevor MacDonald, News at 10,
09:05I have become president of the BNP.
09:08Let me just sort the whole thing out.
09:10That's what they need, though.
09:11If they had some black people in there, maybe they'd get to go to some proper parties,
09:15get laid, then chill the fuck out.
09:22We never know how to punish them as well with the BNP.
09:25It's like the guy that threw an egg at Nick Griffin.
09:26Don't throw an egg, throw a samosa.
09:28There is a fear, obviously, that if you will legitimise a political leader
09:33by bringing him onto this thing.
09:34But, you know, it's question time.
09:36It's not like the BBC are simply opening the doors to Nick Griffin.
09:39He's not appearing on Saturday Kitchen, which I think...
09:43Or he's the new doctor.
09:45That'd be particularly weird.
09:46Oh, my God, the new doctor.
09:47It's Nick Griffin.
09:49And Nick Griffin points to his black assistant and goes,
09:51Well, you're out for a start.
09:53This TARDIS is full.
09:56The most interesting thing about Nick Griffin, I think...
09:59Do you know this fact about him?
10:00He went to an all-girls school.
10:02He was one of only two boys at an all-girls school, right?
10:07And I'm just going to play amateur psychologist here, right?
10:11I reckon the other boy at that school was incredibly good-looking,
10:15good with the ladies, and black.
10:17At the end of that round, there's a point to go to Frankie, Hugh and Jack.
10:26Now we play a round called Thief of Gagdad.
10:30This game involves Ed, Jack, Andy and Russell,
10:34so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
10:37This is where we test our performance stand-up skills.
10:39We spin our news generator.
10:40It settles on a topic, and anyone can volunteer jokes
10:42about the chosen subject.
10:44The winners are the people I judge to produce the funniest stuff.
10:48OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
10:52First subject is sleep.
10:54Ed Brown.
10:56Does anyone here sleep with someone who snores?
11:00Yes.
11:00Well, I envy you, because I lie awake next to someone who snores.
11:07My wife snores terribly,
11:09and part of what keeps me awake is lying there going,
11:11how do you sleep through this?
11:13I can't sleep through it, I'm only next to it.
11:15The noise is inside your head.
11:18And how come you can sleep through that?
11:20But the sound of me making a sandwich in our kitchen,
11:22that wakes you up.
11:23There is no way me making a sandwich
11:25makes more noise than you're making right now.
11:28She snores, she said the cutest thing to me one time, though.
11:30She says, do I not sound like a kitten purring?
11:35No.
11:37You sound like a cat drowning in porridge.
11:41If I had a kitten made that noise, I'd put it down.
11:47Apparently she had her nose broken a couple of times when she was a kid.
11:50Didn't teach her, she's still bleeding snores.
11:54Thank you very much, Ed.
11:55OK, let's spin the wheel again.
12:03Subject is health.
12:05Andy Parsons.
12:08With flu jabs now, what they do, don't they,
12:10is they put a little bit of flu into you
12:12to help you combat the flu.
12:15I was thinking by that argument,
12:17surely you should be able to have the odd cake
12:19to help you fight obesity.
12:25Because let's face it,
12:26you can do too much exercise, can't you?
12:29You know, do you see Madonna's arms?
12:31They didn't look right, did they?
12:33It's a half human, half Terminator.
12:36Of course, that's a problem
12:38when you're always picking up
12:39small African children
12:41going,
12:44mmm,
12:45no,
12:46no,
12:49no.
12:51Thank you very much, Andy.
12:55OK, the leads are Russell and Jack.
12:58Let's spin the wheel.
13:00The next subject is television.
13:02Who else can win with that?
13:03Jack.
13:05I get very frustrated with
13:07pretty much everything on television.
13:08I find adverts at the moment
13:09particularly annoying,
13:10like the banking adverts,
13:12because they're trying to portray
13:12bankers as being nice people.
13:14Like, they've got this one at the moment
13:15for, like, a mobile bank
13:17that travels around the country
13:18and you walk in
13:18and there's your friendly local bank manager
13:20acting like a hairdresser,
13:21like, nattering away.
13:23You know, you walk up to the till,
13:24it's like,
13:24oh, how was your holiday?
13:25I went camping.
13:26Oh, why did you go camping?
13:28Because you lost all of my money!
13:33I've decided,
13:34the only option I've got
13:35is just to not watch TV at all,
13:36because everything annoys me.
13:37And I've got quite a lot of people
13:38that pressure me into doing that as well.
13:40Like, my dad,
13:40he's quite old-fashioned.
13:41He's always saying,
13:43you don't need to watch television.
13:44You should do other things,
13:45better things,
13:46more edifying things.
13:47Don't watch TV, Jack.
13:48You should read.
13:50Read the great novels.
13:51They're entertaining.
13:52They're educational.
13:53Even read the Bible.
13:54The Bible is engrossing.
13:56It's enthralling.
13:57The stories of Jesus,
13:59they're encapsulating,
14:00they're invigorating.
14:01I'm like, no, dad.
14:02If I wanted to be entertained
14:03by 12 people sat round a table
14:05trying to impress
14:06some bearded Jewish know-it-all
14:08that thinks he's some kind of deity,
14:10I will watch The Apprentice.
14:13Thank you very much,
14:14Jack Whitehall.
14:14OK, Russell,
14:19let's see what you've been left with.
14:21Let's spin the wheel.
14:24That's fitness.
14:27Could have been camel toes.
14:29Now,
14:32I was in the gym the other day.
14:33I was in a locker room
14:35and a five-year-old boy ran in
14:36and jumped into a locker.
14:38Now, sometimes,
14:39you know you're just going to have an incident, right?
14:41You could hear him in there giggling.
14:42You knew what he was going to do.
14:45He was going to jump out
14:46and scare his mates
14:47because his mates appeared
14:48seconds later.
14:48They were like,
14:48where's Stephen gone?
14:50He was there a minute ago.
14:53This is most irregular.
14:56And he waited,
14:57not for his mates,
14:58but for three huge naked men.
15:00It was fantastic.
15:01They were kind of walking past
15:02and this little kid
15:03leapt at those men
15:04like a cat with rabies.
15:06It was incredible, right?
15:07Just from nowhere,
15:08the noise they made,
15:09I've never heard a noise like it.
15:11They sounded like a tugboat
15:12getting molested.
15:13It was like,
15:14oh,
15:15oh,
15:17oh.
15:19His long-suffering dad
15:20is in the showers,
15:21obviously heard this
15:22and went,
15:22that'll be my bloody boy.
15:24Ran back,
15:25confronted this glowing hell beast
15:27and went,
15:27Stephen,
15:28what have I told you
15:29about acting up in public?
15:31And this little kid
15:32cut his dad down
15:33with one very simple sentence.
15:35Dad,
15:35you're a Willys movie?
15:36You're just there going,
15:39oh,
15:40the world is a better place.
15:43Thank you very much for us all.
15:45At the end of that round,
15:46the points go to
15:46Ed and Jack.
15:55Our next round is called,
15:56if this is the answer,
15:57what is the question?
15:58On the board of six categories.
15:59Jack,
16:00which category would you like?
16:01Travel, please.
16:02OK,
16:02your category is travel.
16:03The answer is one in 500.
16:05What is the question?
16:06Is it,
16:07after how many miles
16:09would the proclaimers realise
16:10they'd made a massive mistake?
16:13Is it,
16:14how many of my sexual fantasies
16:17involve my partner?
16:20To be honest,
16:22in that one,
16:23she's introduced me
16:24to her sister.
16:29Is it,
16:29how many traffic wardens
16:30will make it
16:31to the kingdom of heaven?
16:35Is it,
16:35how many of Jeremy Clarkson's thoughts
16:38are about something
16:39other than himself?
16:41And it,
16:42that one is about a car.
16:45Is it,
16:45we're all after a partner
16:47who's one in a million,
16:49what will most of us
16:50settle for?
16:52Is it,
16:53what proportion of complaints
16:54to the BBC
16:55are about Adrian Childs' face
16:57being broadcast
16:58before the watershed?
17:01How many documentaries
17:04on the History Channel
17:05aren't about
17:06Pharaohs or the Nazis?
17:09How many Star Trek fans
17:10have touched a real woman?
17:14Why did you say that
17:15in such a camp way?
17:19Is it,
17:19how many Daily Mail readers
17:21have first-hand experience
17:22of what they're outraged by?
17:24What is the last response
17:27you want
17:27to the question,
17:28what are my chances,
17:29Doctor?
17:32Is it,
17:33is it the number
17:34of London Midland trains
17:36that were running
17:37last Sunday?
17:37You're absolutely right,
17:38Andy Parker,
17:39thank you very much.
17:40Yes,
17:43the question I was looking for
17:45was how many of London Midland's
17:46Sunday train services
17:47running as normal
17:48last weekend?
17:50Thousands of people
17:50were forced to cancel
17:51travel plans
17:52or put up or replace
17:53them buses
17:53after London Midland
17:54cancelled all but
17:55one of its 500 services.
17:57On the plus side,
17:58it was the first time
17:59this year
18:00that London Midland
18:01only had one train
18:03that was actually
18:04running late.
18:05Also,
18:07you've got to feel
18:07slightly sorry
18:08for a train spotter
18:09that day
18:09who didn't check
18:10on the internet.
18:12Yeah,
18:12train spotters,
18:13people who throw themselves
18:14in front of trains
18:14and villains
18:15who tie women
18:16to trains
18:17with piano players
18:17going,
18:18keep it going,
18:20keep it going,
18:21there'll be one along
18:21in an hour or so,
18:22I'm bored of them,
18:24ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
18:26You've hit upon
18:27a lovely point.
18:27Maybe there was somebody
18:29who was going to commit suicide
18:30when I'm going to throw
18:30myself in front of a train,
18:31they went there,
18:32no trains,
18:33they thought,
18:33it's a sign.
18:34I'm gonna live my life to the max, and he went outside and got hit by a replacement bus
18:46Somebody was gonna throw themselves under a train. This is Birmingham. Everybody was gonna
18:51I went to throw myself off a bridge, but there was a queue
18:56Are there 500 trains going to Birmingham?
18:59No, it's all over the middle
19:01They was I mean that would be like I'm sorry you've missed that train, but there's another one along in 8.6 seconds
19:07Anybody be going to Birmingham and I said it who's going grief counsellors
19:14Imagine I've been imagine being on the one train on the Sunday that is going from Birmingham
19:21To Liverpool it'll be like the last chopper out of Saigon
19:26They made it voluntary for people to work on a Sunday and they used to offer the double time and then they didn't and so people didn't no
19:31Longer volunteered to work on a Sunday. It's not like phoning in sick. It's like phoning in sensible
19:37It's what they did. It's like yeah, you're gonna offer a double time anymore. No. Oh, can't make it. Sorry
19:41I got a I caught I came down with a dose of self-respect on Friday
19:45They've got no trains running, but they do have replacement buses
19:48You know we'll just get them to drive the train because surely a bus is a bit harder. You got to steer the train is just forward stop
19:54Forward stop
19:56Have you ever seen a more depressed sight that when you see a train driver come into a tube station?
20:02They're not happy people are they just seem like that
20:08Don't make the darkness appear again
20:10I mean, I'm sure there's a technical element of driving a train, but it does feel like forward back forward back stop right they could have just gone well
20:23You're all here. Surely one of you would like a go
20:26I don't know
20:28I always fancied us
20:30Yeah, but the buses man if you want to know how important trains are in our society stand outside
20:34London Victoria coach station and watch the coach that's pulling out with two inverness written on it
20:41The faces of the people in that coach they look like the faces of dogs in a vet
20:46People who are on a 17-hour bus journey and when they get off it's going to be 1973
20:51They're also not incompetent they're not incompetent on trains absolutely not incompetent
20:58It's incredibly imaginative because they come up with if a train is delayed
21:01They come up with the most fantastic reasons for it and the one I loved it
21:04I was on the train once that went stuck outside Peterborough and the thing went on it went
21:07We apologize for the wait outside Peterborough this was due to a delay
21:13There's always some poor fat bloke in a fluorescent top going
21:19Here's a replacement bus service
21:21They always get in you know it's never kind of the dynamic train drivers down and all sexy and like that
21:27It's just that fat man so sunday come on
21:29All right then
21:30Do you not get annoyed by the noise?
21:32It drives me mental you know the bit where the buffet guy comes on and just sort of
21:36Lists the stuff that's in the buffet he's not even memorized the stuff there's like chocolate bars
21:44There's only like six things just memorize it
21:47Or just don't tell us at all because it's the sort of stuff you'd expect to find
21:54When you're walking to a shop they don't go hello welcome to the shop in the shop we have magazines over there
21:57Some sweets over here
21:58We have cigarettes behind me here
22:00No it's in a buffet we'll be surprised if you've got a partridge down there
22:05What's right is when there's someone who's too eager there's some sandwiches in here just crying out to be eaten
22:11I saw a guy the other day he was drunk on the train
22:13He went into the loo and he got stuck in it and he couldn't open it
22:16He was getting really panicked and the the train conductor came around to try and get him out
22:20And he couldn't put it and I was just sat there
22:22This is really bad because he was clearly getting quite distressed and they said look
22:25What we're gonna have to do is wait till we get to the next stop
22:27And then we'll get someone to get you out of the loo when we get in there
22:29And there was this pause and I just heard his voice from inside just say
22:32Tell my family I love them
22:37My favorite irony of the thing was that uh one of the stations that they that there were no trains leaving from
22:42Had a yo sushi in it that must have really felt
22:46You're sitting there watching the plates go past on a tiny train
22:50Well that small bit of rice and fish is going to reach its destination a lot faster than I will
22:56My favorite announcement once I heard this guy going we're gonna have to go very slowly through swindon because there are some ragamuffins on the line
23:02And then it was so lovely because we sort of went past and there was about 15 kids
23:07Swearing at the train
23:09Like that and the train announcer went look at those arseholes
23:15All kind of cheering and that and then about a minute later this woman looked very angry she's on her phone like that's kind of
23:21All right Matthew it's your mother here revising are you yeah i've just seen you swear
23:30I had another fantastic announcement which was outside
23:32Gloucester or somewhere coming into gloucester and he went sir we apologize for the delay outside gloucester
23:38This is due to chronic underinvestment in the rail industry
23:45Okay at the end of that round the points go to russell and and andy
23:53Now we come to our final quickfire round called scenes we'd like to see this for everyone so if you can make your way to the performance area
23:59Please i caught ideas for scenarios. We'd love to see in the performance come in with their suggestions
24:03Okay here we go the first subject is bad things to hear from a tour guide
24:14Please don't take photos of the natives because they believe that you're taking part of their soul apart from that enjoy norwich
24:23Hello my name's janet i'm your holiday rep and basically i'll be giving out morning after pills like they were smarties
24:33Good morning i'm afraid this is the loudest
24:45Venice is a most historical city famous for its oh shit it's flooded everyone get back on the bus
24:52A lot of you will be wondering why there are so many wonderful foreign treasures on display here at the british museum
24:58And the answer is quite simple really gun beats spear
25:06Don't worry this castle does cater for the disabled they bring you a sandwich while the rest of us go up the steps to look at it
25:14Let's have a little song shall we
25:16Coming up later on we've got the topless donkey derby and who's got the funniest willy competition yes
25:29It's gonna be the best saga holiday
25:31You've ever had
25:35I know that a lot of you can't bear to leave thailand which is why i've hidden drugs randomly in your luggage
25:40And as we enter the next room where i need you all to be very quiet because we have technically broken in
25:51If you need anything anything at all i'll be under your bed
26:01And if you look out the window on your left you'll see the side of the road that we should be driving on
26:05Of course you have to respect local customs on the right hand side
26:12You'll see a woman being bumped at the stake and on the left dundee town hall
26:22Well, this is the deepest darkest bit of the caves unless you give me 20 pounds each it's where you're staying
26:28And according to wikipedia the east wing was built in the year dougie is a homo
26:42We're now leaving the green zone pop on your flak jackets this is the real baghdad
26:49An adult and two children is 10 pounds but enough about my trip to cambodia
26:58Our next topic is unlikely things to hear on a breakfast show
27:04If the women i picked up last night is watching help yourself to cereal but get out of the flat by the time i get home
27:14And now it's time for thought for the day
27:22That was a good one
27:24You're listening to six music yes you just you
27:33Welcome to travel report we've got a text here from dave on the m5 who says ha ha every morning you leave for work i pop round and shag your wife
27:43So
27:47So uh so if you're trying to get in via junction two stop it is against nature and the bible says no
27:58Next we speak to fern britain about having her stomach stapled this time to an enormous chocolate cake
28:04Uh in other traffic news if you're on the m11 headed towards middlesbrough i would turn around because it's a shithole
28:16Hello i'm doing a survey into the effects of replacing milk on your weetabix with red bull
28:23And we can see there's been an accident northbound on the m1 and it is a beauty
28:36Welcome to radio tourette's you shit monkeys
28:43You might think of it as a breakfast show i had mine at four bloody thirty
28:47Later vanessa felts will be joining me on the city and i'll be bouncing through the fucking ceiling
28:56Okay at the end of that round points go to frankie hugh and jack
29:07And that's the end of the show this week's winners are andy parsons ed burn and russell howards
29:11Commiserations to frankie boy hugh and jack whitehall
29:22Thank you for watching i'm darabreen good night
29:33To catch radio two star-studded concert from the blackpool illuminations press the red button now
29:39Or there's brand spanking new comedy on bbc three with the office slackers we know as the lunch monkeys
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