- 2 months ago
Taskmaster - S20 E101 - (special) Taskmaster's New Year Treat 2026 (1)
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FunTranscript
00:30Thank you. Welcome. My name is Greg Davies.
00:42Who doesn't like to see things doing things that they shouldn't be doing?
00:46A penguin on a bike? Hilarious.
00:48A dog surfing on a big wave? So funny.
00:50A child? Hammered on ten pints of Stella? What a laugh.
00:54What about non-comedians coming on a show designed for comedians, though?
00:58Is that funny? Is it?
01:00Look at me. Will that be funny?
01:01What do you know, sitting there on your sofa?
01:03It's New Year's treat time and we're about to find out.
01:06So now, for the first of not one, but two New Year's treats,
01:11please welcome...
01:12Welcome...
01:12Big Zoom!
01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15And next to me, a man who tells me that when his band is on tour, he doesn't like going up to the northern cities because the people don't eat vegetables, so their teeth are loose.
01:37It's a little Alex Horne!
01:41It's just heavy. It's just heavy when they talk.
01:44Not just little Alex Horne anymore, little Alex Horne has got an OBE.
01:49I've got an OBE.
01:50Oh!
01:51Oh!
01:52You haven't, though, have you?
01:53OBE.
01:54Oh, no, I've got an OBE.
01:55I've got an OBE.
01:56I've got an OBE.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:58Do you want me to play you a tune?
02:00Yes.
02:01Yes.
02:02You might want to hold that thing on the board.
02:03Just...
02:04You want me to hold this?
02:05Shh!
02:06Don't let them see.
02:08LAUGHTER
02:09Here we go.
02:10BUZZER
02:13Pull, pull.
02:14Pull.
02:17Harder.
02:18Ooh!
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20APPLAUSE
02:28Right, prize task time.
02:30What's the category, Alex?
02:31Yes.
02:32Well, Greg, it involves alliteration and violence, because you've asked him to bring in the most wonderful thing to whack.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:40Five points for the most wonderful thing to whack and five wacky prizes for the wonderful winner of episode one.
02:45Thank you, Greg, and thank you to the fans at home.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:50OK?
02:51Welcome, Big Sue.
02:53Have you brought a good thing to whack?
02:55I've been doing a bit of boxing.
02:56Ah.
02:57So, I've got a dummy that's got the face of Alex on it.
03:00Yes, he has.
03:01Oh, this is strong.
03:03There it is, Greg.
03:04Shall I look at it?
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07LAUGHTER
03:10That is a strong start.
03:12Who's next?
03:13Hello, Jill, you all right?
03:14What have you brought to whack?
03:15So, it's something that you would really whack with.
03:19So, this is, erm, my pillow, basically.
03:22This is Jill's pillow, the Jillo.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:26It's Roy Keane.
03:27Obviously, if he was going to whack you, you'd be really scared.
03:30I'd be frightened.
03:31Yeah.
03:32I'd be frightened just to be in the same room as the man.
03:33Yeah.
03:34I tried to kind of be like him when I played football in midfield,
03:37hence why I got a lot of red cards.
03:39You've taken the edge off him with his Santa outfit, though, haven't you?
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43Yeah.
03:44It's good.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Yeah, it's strong, lovely stuff.
03:47OK.
03:48What have you bought?
03:49It's a drum kit.
03:50Oh.
03:51Ooh.
03:52It's a nice drum kit.
03:53Someone will win that.
03:54Really?
03:55That's just a nice prize.
03:57Well, now I realise it's quite, erm...
04:00I should have done better, I think.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03I did find a dildo in the kick drum, actually,
04:05when we were putting them together.
04:06True story, we used to stick the dildo
04:08right where the beatle would hit at the front,
04:10and obviously the drummer can't see it,
04:12but the crowd can through that hole.
04:14And every time you'd hit it, it would wag.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18I haven't included the dildo today.
04:20Oh.
04:21Shut off.
04:22Shut off.
04:23Oh, suddenly the prize is worthless.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:29Susie.
04:30So, I have bought a piƱata of Alex's head.
04:34Oh, good.
04:35Erm, because it's a wonderful thing to whack,
04:38and also you have such an amazing brain, Alex,
04:41we all want to know what's in it.
04:43Oh, thank you.
04:45Here is a piƱata.
04:46Oh.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48Oh, my God, it's so good.
04:50So, this one is filled with chocolate coins,
04:53because, Greg, I know if there's anything you like more than money,
04:56it's money you can eat.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59My God.
05:00I feel seen.
05:02LAUGHTER
05:03I should have filled it with dildos,
05:05and then...
05:06It's strong, Susie.
05:09It's strong.
05:10Hello, Rose.
05:11What have you brought in, please?
05:12Basically, I brought in a slice of cheese.
05:15Yes, he has a slice of cheese.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17I know that this looks like I'm not putting in a lot of effort.
05:21It does.
05:22Yes.
05:23But I created a video specially for you
05:26to explain why I think it's so wonderful to whack with.
05:29Yes, this is Rose whacking the cheese.
05:33So good!
05:34You're back in the game.
05:47Thank you, thank you.
05:48Right, shall I score it?
05:49Go for it.
05:50I think a drum kit's a wonderful thing to whack,
05:53but I think it's a bit Route 1 wacky.
05:55But I also think it's a lovely drum kit,
05:57so I'm not going to give it one point.
05:59I'm going to give Sam two points.
06:00I want to see Roy Keane whack someone.
06:03I want to see Big Zoo punch you in the face.
06:06I'm giving them three points.
06:08OK.
06:09Four points goes to Susie,
06:10but I'm going to give five points,
06:11because no-one can beat cheese being slapped all over the place.
06:13I'm going to give five points to Rose!
06:15Well, that's Rose!
06:16OK.
06:21Let's see them in action properly, shall we?
06:22What's for starters, little Alex Hahn?
06:24Well, this task might make you think it was inspired
06:26by the popular dating app Grindr,
06:28because it involves prodding a bear.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:32Come in, Sam, Ryder.
06:49Buzzing for this one.
06:51This room's mad.
06:53It's his room.
06:55Hello.
06:56Enjoying the chair?
06:58This one, yeah, I do like this one.
07:00Yeah.
07:01It's quite low.
07:02It's making me feel a bit inferior,
07:03because you're on a very high stool.
07:05Ooh, that looked pretty.
07:07It's pretty and practical.
07:09Practical?
07:10Mm-hm.
07:11Another day, another letter.
07:14Oh, gosh.
07:15Prod the bear.
07:16Don't that mean just stabbing them?
07:18Well, gently.
07:20Fastest wins, your time...
07:23Pardon?
07:24I don't want to finish it,
07:25because every time I say your time starts now, you...
07:27Oh, you've just said it.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:30Is the bear in multiple locations?
07:32You can't tell me.
07:33Is the bear in here?
07:34I don't...
07:35I just don't know, Big Zoo.
07:36Oh, come on.
07:37APPLAUSE
07:38Nice.
07:39APPLAUSE
07:41Amazing.
07:42I mean, Sam thinks it's safe to use the phrase,
07:44your time starts now.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47We're trying to avoid saying your time starts now.
07:51Make start.
07:53This bodes badly.
07:54Let's go.
07:55Let's go.
07:56Let's go.
07:57All right.
07:58Well, we begin with two consummate professionals who,
07:59up to this point in their careers, have been widely admired.
08:02It is Sam Ryder and Jill Scott, MBE.
08:05Prod a bear.
08:08Um...
08:10Well, if the table was bear,
08:12could I just prod the table being bear?
08:16You think.
08:17I don't feel like that's telling.
08:19I'm looking for a bear.
08:20Looking for a bear.
08:21Looking for a bear.
08:22Bear in the loo.
08:23Looking for a bear.
08:24Any bears in here?
08:26Anybody seen a bear?
08:27Prod.
08:28Nothing.
08:29The...
08:30Bear.
08:32It's a bear.
08:33Greg's like a big bear.
08:34He won't like that.
08:35Well, I'll write it down, but I don't think you're finished.
08:36Oh, I'll keep looking.
08:37Yeah, you'd think there might be some clues.
08:38Bear?
08:39Not a bear in there.
08:40Not a bear in there.
08:41Not a bear in there.
08:42You got...
08:43The thing is, there's so much shit in this house.
08:44Pardon?
08:45Where is this bear?
08:46Yeah, we've tried to help you.
08:47Is this you helping?
08:49Is this a bear?
08:50It's a cat, but does it...
08:53Doesn't count, does it?
08:54It doesn't count.
08:56No!
08:57No!
08:58What?
08:59It's a bear.
09:00No!
09:01No!
09:02No!
09:03No!
09:04No!
09:05No!
09:06I
09:08Shouldn't have to tell you. Yeah. Well, there is I see flags. Ah, what what the flags mean?
09:15Am I hot or cold? That's a very good question
09:19Rabbits
09:21I'm seeing every single animal apart from a bear. Have you ever been Sweden? Yeah, what was it like?
09:27It was okay. What was Norway like?
09:30It was nice. Do you know anything about Greenland? It's green
09:36Flags, they're new. Oh, yeah, they're nothing to do with this are they? Quite often we put things around that are relevant
09:49Not all about football Jill
09:51Salamander's ducks
09:53Hens ever been to the Seychelles? No, I've heard it's nice though. I haven't been in the lab. Should have gone to the lab, should I?
10:02Fuck off
10:04Think like a bear reach for the stars be brave the great bear is always watching all for you. It's something of a ball, right?
10:14But there's nothing here. You must always hold your stick aloft
10:20Mr.. Bear will be back in a tick tick loft those two are in italics
10:26You don't have a loft in here. You're never more than 15 steps from a bear one two three
10:34So that would be up there
10:36It's got a little flag on it and there's other flags around the house. Oh, you bastard
10:41Oh, you bastard
10:43Oh, you bastard
10:45Oh, you bastard
10:47Oh, you bastard
10:48I've stopped the clock
10:50I just shit myself
10:56Oh
10:58OK
11:04Have you followed the bear?
11:06What it is?
11:07APPLAUSE
11:11OK, I thought Sam seemed very close to breaking this early on.
11:15Throughout that, I wrote down some of his quotes.
11:18There's just so much shit in this place.
11:21You, Jill, different demeanour.
11:23Have you been offered a truffle show yet, Jill?
11:26Some of the reviews that Jill did of countries there.
11:30Sweden, OK.
11:31Norway, nice.
11:33Greenland, green.
11:35You didn't just say shells. No, I've heard it's nice.
11:38Done.
11:39That's it, Jill's world.
11:42Let's see two more.
11:43Well, now it's time for two more people with an MBE.
11:46One loves the OED, the other studied at DYT and UCA.
11:49Also, I have IBS, TMI, I don't know.
11:51It's Susie and Rose.
11:55OK, I'm going out.
11:57OK. Nice to see you.
11:58Yeah, lovely to see you.
12:00What flags?
12:02Outside.
12:03Outside, OK.
12:04That's Barbados.
12:05Seychelles.
12:06Don't know that one.
12:07Broad the bear.
12:08It's not an anagram, is it?
12:09Not everything's an anagram.
12:10That's such a shame.
12:11Iceland.
12:12They're a different country, Vlad.
12:13Greenland.
12:14Uruguay.
12:15Uruguay.
12:16Japan.
12:17Have you been to Iceland?
12:18Yeah.
12:19What was it like?
12:20Very cold.
12:21Cold.
12:22Interesting.
12:23Yeah.
12:24So, were they telling me, oh, that's very cold and now I'm getting warmer?
12:26It's also a climate.
12:27Could be.
12:28Do I have to look in an oven?
12:29No.
12:30No.
12:31No.
12:32No.
12:33No.
12:34No.
12:35No.
12:36No.
12:37No.
12:38No.
12:39No.
12:40No.
12:41No.
12:42No.
12:43No.
12:44No.
12:45No.
12:46No.
12:47No.
12:48No.
12:49No.
12:50No.
12:51No.
12:52No.
12:53No.
12:54No.
12:55No.
12:56No.
12:57No.
12:58No.
12:59You know it's hot, isn't it?
13:00Oh, what's that?
13:01Oh, that's maybe the hottest country.
13:03Look up.
13:12Have you got a loft at home?
13:14I do.
13:15And I have like a hooky thing.
13:16Right.
13:17But this isn't really a hooky thing.
13:19Right.
13:20But this is not really a hooky thing.
13:26Yay!
13:28OK, I've got the clock.
13:32It seemed to me Rose was fast, I don't know.
13:35You were fast and pleased with yourself when you solved the riddle.
13:38I was so satisfied.
13:40Susie, you seemed to pretty much lose interest
13:43when you realised that this wasn't anagram-based.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:48That's the story of my life.
13:50OK, time for our first break.
13:52And Alex, Happy New Year, mate.
13:54Are you excited?
13:56LAUGHTER
14:08Hello!
14:09Welcome back to our New Year's treat.
14:12It's 2026 and the robots haven't taken over yet.
14:15Hmm, and that's a joke which could age very badly.
14:19The current task has seen our cast try to find the bear
14:22as quickly as possible and then prod it.
14:24Only one person to go.
14:25And very much like Twycross,
14:27the large wildlife attraction in Leicestershire,
14:29it's Big Zoo.
14:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:34Who are you there?
14:36You're probably not in the lab.
14:41It's not here.
14:42What do you find in the lab?
14:43Nothing in the lab?
14:44No, there's a couple things in there, but not a bear.
14:47The kitchen.
14:49Why are there so many countries?
14:51What is it, like an ethnic bear?
14:53There's multiple flags.
14:55Yes.
14:56You recognise any of them?
14:58Yeah.
14:59America.
15:00Yep.
15:01That one.
15:02Freeman.
15:03There's a holiday.
15:04There's a bear.
15:05There's a bear, yeah.
15:06OK.
15:07Where's the bear?
15:09You're not helping.
15:11No, no, I see that.
15:12We're just gonna be friends.
15:15I feel like a bear, reach for the stars.
15:17The bear must be on the roof.
15:19Oh, no, man.
15:20I've looked up.
15:21I've looked around.
15:22The clues don't help, man.
15:23No, I see that.
15:24Yeah.
15:25I can see a bear head.
15:26Right there.
15:27I can similar myself.
15:28I'm not sure the top.
15:29I can count.
15:30Hello, man.
15:32I've looked up.
15:33I'm looking around.
15:34The clues don't help, man.
15:36No, I see that.
15:36Yeah.
15:38I can see a bear head.
15:41Right there.
15:47I declare myself coddling.
15:53Let's keep the source.
15:54APPLAUSE
15:57For a young man, you looked, for most of it, like an irritated grunt.
16:01Just wandering around.
16:04When you're in there, things change, bro. Yeah.
16:07There's mad pressure in that yard.
16:09He didn't appear stressed.
16:11He was very close to giving up, and we didn't know there was that bare head
16:14in the garage. Yeah, that was just my task! That's the whole task.
16:17Well, thank God you happened upon it.
16:19It did take nearly half an hour, a good ten minutes more than anyone else,
16:23so it is one point to Big Zoo. One point, Big Zoo.
16:25One point to Big Zoo. The rest were very close.
16:27Susie, you were fourth, 16 minutes 30.
16:30Just behind Sam, 15 minutes and three seconds.
16:33You were 15 seconds slower than Jill.
16:35You would have been quicker if you'd left the living room quicker,
16:37but Jill, you come second with 14 minutes 48,
16:39but Rose was the fastest with 13 minutes...
16:45Is it score time? It is, and there is one person in the lead.
16:48With the perfect ten so far, it is Rose Ailingo.
16:51Wow!
16:53APPLAUSE
16:55What have we got next, Alex?
16:57With a nod, a wink, a cough and a clap, we have Dice.
17:01Hello, hello. Hello, Rose. Hi.
17:17Yeah, I feel like I'm in a butcher's.
17:19You've got a briefcase, a bays and a metronome.
17:21Yeah.
17:22What did you call this?
17:23I went for bays.
17:24Bays?
17:25Bays.
17:26Bays.
17:27All right, cool, bays. All right, go on.
17:28And a briefcase.
17:29Briefcase.
17:30I'm a bit scared.
17:32You tried to make a TM out of the dice.
17:34Why is everything so branded, bro?
17:36Right.
17:37Throw one or more dice to get a number.
17:40Then clap, cough, nod and blink.
17:43That number of time!
17:45Before the next flash.
17:47If you do not complete the sequence before the next flash,
17:50the task is over!
17:52At the end of the task, your total number of completed sequences
17:55will be multiplied by your number of dice to give you a score.
17:59High score wins.
18:01You must use your number of a dice in the next minute
18:03and you must berate yourself throughout the task.
18:06And you must berate yourself throughout the task.
18:08Your time will start on the first flash.
18:12OK, I can't do a practice, can I?
18:14Yeah, you can't.
18:15HE CUMPS
18:17LAUGHTER
18:18APPLAUSE
18:25Good.
18:26Well, I think we all understand the task this time, do we?
18:29It's complicated, but it all makes sense when we do it.
18:31It will.
18:32One sits in dictionary corner, one takes corners,
18:35and the other one is Big Zoo.
18:37Here we go.
18:39I'm going to go for two.
18:40Two, that's perfect.
18:41Yeah.
18:42Which is brave.
18:43Right.
18:44I'm just going to go for two dice.
18:45I know my limits.
18:46I was a safe midfielder.
18:48Should I go for five dice?
18:49No!
18:50I don't know.
18:51I don't want to get influenced by you, man.
18:53I'm going to go for four.
18:54OK.
18:55Four dice.
18:56Your time starts now.
18:58I'm tired about this kind of thing.
19:00Eight.
19:02So I get 30 seconds?
19:03Yeah.
19:04Six.
19:06HE CUMPS
19:08Cool.
19:09OK.
19:10I'll wait for the next clash.
19:11Yeah.
19:12Quite an awkward gap now before the next one.
19:13OK.
19:14Maybe I should have had more dice.
19:15Oh, did it go?
19:16It went.
19:17Nine.
19:18Six.
19:19Nine.
19:20Eleven.
19:21Uh, seventeen.
19:22HE CUMPS
19:23Oh, did it go?
19:24It went.
19:25Nine.
19:26Six.
19:27Nine.
19:28Eleven.
19:29Uh, seventeen.
19:30HE CUMPS
19:31HE CUMPS
19:32HE CUMPS
19:33HE CUMPS
19:34HE CUMPS
19:35So, look, I'm going to do six claps.
19:41HE CUMPS
19:42HE CUMPS
19:43HE CUMPS
19:44I think I'm blinking throughout, anyway.
19:46Seven.
19:49Oh, nine.
19:50HE CUMPS
19:51HE CUMPS
19:52Fourteen.
19:53HE CUMPS
19:54Fourteen.
19:55HE CUMPS
19:56HE CUMPS
19:57What, 12?
19:58HE CUMPS
19:59So, are you counting them at all?
20:01No.
20:02No, right, OK.
20:03HE CUMPS
20:04HE CUMPS
20:05I did them all.
20:06I've just realised.
20:08That's got to definitely add more dice.
20:11I'm going to cough and blink at the same time.
20:13Great.
20:14Seven.
20:15HE CUMPS
20:18Easy.
20:19Why didn't I think about this at the beginning?
20:21HE CUMPS
20:22HE CUMPS
20:24Oh, my God.
20:25What kind of game?
20:27HE CUMPS
20:31And go again.
20:32Oh, my God!
20:34HE CUMPS
20:35HE CUMPS
20:36Oh, torture, man.
20:37Still in, come on.
20:38HE CUMPS
20:39HE CUMPS
20:40HE LAUGHS
20:42HE LAUGHS
20:44HE LAUGHS
20:46I'm old. I didn't complete it, Alex.
20:48That's just classic me, I'm afraid.
20:50I did warn you before I came on, and you said you'll be fine,
20:52and I told you I wouldn't. You don't have to prove myself right.
20:55Do I not? I'm fine.
20:56You're going to come to vomit, bro. OK, do you want to go?
20:58You can't make someone cough that many times.
21:00No, OK, you should go.
21:02I don't know why I would start working.
21:05The thing that fascinated me about you, Susie, really, is your cough.
21:08I...
21:10I started to think you might be AI, Joey.
21:12The great thing about you, Big Zoo, is you're a one-man argument.
21:15Shall I go for five dice? No, I'm going to go for four dice.
21:18I feel like I'm going to vomit, bro.
21:20You can't make people cough that many times.
21:22Alex was silent throughout all of it.
21:26Oh, man.
21:27I do, unfortunately, have to tell one of them that something bad happened.
21:31GASPING
21:33Are you having fun? I am. OK.
21:35So, like, I'm going to do six claps.
21:37BUZZER
21:39BUZZER
21:41You could have told us that then, so I just stopped,
21:44but you let us go all the way to the end.
21:46Yeah. Yeah.
21:47I mean, I've said it a thousand times, the guy's a prick.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:52I agree.
21:53Time to tick off part two of this treat.
21:55Begone!
21:56APPLAUSE
21:58Hello.
21:59We're part way through a task which has seen the cast coughing and clapping.
22:13Yes.
22:14And nodding and blinking and rolling dice.
22:17Two people left to go and the task is set in the confined space of the lab,
22:21which was fine for Rose, but I was slightly worried about Sam,
22:24as I'd heard he's more of a spaceman.
22:27Here's how they do it.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:30Oh, I get it. I'm going to just pick one.
22:32One? OK.
22:33Imagine having 12 and then you have to cough 12 times, clap 12 times,
22:36nod 12 times and blink 12 times in 30 seconds.
22:39No, one dice.
22:41Sam, how many dice have you chosen?
22:42Ten.
22:43Ten.
22:44Here we go.
22:48Throw the dice.
22:52Idiot!
23:01One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
23:04One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
23:06Now, Rose, why did you do that 12 times?
23:09Because I...
23:13As long as you do more, it's OK.
23:14OK.
23:15That's a bad start.
23:17Oh!
23:2135 is your total.
23:2327.
23:25Four.
23:26One, two, three, four.
23:27One, two, three, four.
23:28One, two, three, four.
23:29Cough.
23:30Cough.
23:31Cough.
23:32Cough.
23:33Did I get...
23:34I cast.
23:35I nod, didn't I?
23:36And I blinked.
23:37I'm two, three, four.
23:38I'm getting hot and sweaty.
23:39Mm.
23:40I think it's good you chose one, guys.
23:42Cough.
23:43Cough.
23:4431.
23:45Low number.
23:4749, you need to get...
23:48Ooh!
23:49Chuck your number, that!
23:52Three.
23:53One, two, three.
23:54One, two, three.
23:55One, two, three.
23:56Cough.
23:57I'm getting into the reading of it, but I'm still rubbish at it.
24:00Yes, I think you are.
24:01Yeah.
24:03Funny how it becomes normal.
24:04Quick.
24:09One.
24:10OK, this should be OK.
24:18Blinking.
24:20Flash.
24:25Flash.
24:26Flash.
24:27Flash.
24:28The cap's getting really quite small now.
24:29Cough.
24:30Cough.
24:31Just stop.
24:32Flash.
24:33Flash.
24:34Flash.
24:35Flash.
24:36Flash.
24:37Flash.
24:38How did you think that went?
24:40Um...
24:41I'm...
24:42I'm...
24:43I'm...
24:44I'm...
24:45I'm...
24:46I'm...
24:47I'm...
24:48I'm...
24:49I'm...
24:50I'm...
24:51I'm...
24:52I'm...
24:53Actually, in some part.
24:54See you in a bit.
24:55See you, Sam.
24:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:02How did you feel you did on that?
25:04I feel like maybe I need to go to the doctor and check my short-term memories.
25:09Yeah.
25:10You go to the doctor.
25:12Compared to this madness, you were like a professional dice player.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18At what point did you regret picking that many dice, Sam?
25:22Oh, mate, quite quick, actually.
25:23We did allow...
25:24If you went over the number, it was fine, because there was no way you could do the maths on the dice quick enough.
25:28Unfortunately...
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31In the first round...
25:33Oh, no!
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36He needed 35 of each, and he blinked 16 times and coughed 12 times.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:43Ten times zero, unfortunately, it's zero.
25:46Oh!
25:47So, Sam scores zero, but you do get one point for coming last.
25:50Really?
25:51Yeah.
25:52Rose chose one dice.
25:53Unfortunately, on the ninth time, she was meant to nod six times and only nodded four times because she was muddled.
25:57So, you get a total of eight, and you're in fourth place.
26:01Jill, obviously, you can count to six, unfortunately.
26:03So, you stopped at six, but times two, that's 12.
26:06You're in third place.
26:07Zoo, you got to 11.
26:0911th Rose times four, which is 44.
26:11But Susie, with her two dice, didn't make a mistake for 27 times.
26:1527 times two at 54.
26:17Susie gets five points.
26:18Whoa!
26:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:21Well done.
26:22I'd really love to see another task, please, Alex.
26:24Oh, he would, cos he's keen, he's mean, he's goddamn lean.
26:27Yes, he's Greg.
26:28And like Greg, the next task really goes the distance.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:32MUSIC
26:49Hello.
26:50Hello.
26:51Come in.
26:53You're very welcome to the caravan.
26:55Welcome.
26:56Oh, hello.
26:57Oh, I did it wrong.
26:58Welcome to the caravan.
26:59That's not right.
27:00What was this?
27:01Yeah, yeah, welcome, welcome.
27:02What did I say?
27:03I think you just spoke in your face.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:06Nice cup of tea.
27:08Oh, lovely.
27:09Nice to have a biscuit and some chocolate with that.
27:10I know.
27:11Oh.
27:12Are you going to give us one?
27:13Oh!
27:14I'm intrigued by that chocolate bar.
27:16Do you know what it is?
27:17Is it a Mars bar?
27:18No.
27:19What's that?
27:20Marathon.
27:21Oh, maybe.
27:22Does this mean that this task is going to be a marathon?
27:26LAUGHTER
27:28Yes.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:30Do a something-a-thon for a full 20 minutes.
27:35Most inspiring something-a-thon.
27:38Successfully accomplished wins.
27:40You have five minutes to choose your something.
27:44Your time starts now.
27:46What?
27:47This?
27:48Yeah.
27:49What's in it, though?
27:50No one knew.
27:51It's probably some beans or something.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:53Mmm.
27:54Not doing it.
27:56Not now.
27:57No.
27:58Um...
27:59So...
28:00What do you mean?
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03A something-a-thon.
28:04A something-a-thon.
28:05Something inspiring.
28:06For the kids.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11LAUGHTER
28:12LAUGHTER
28:13LAUGHTER
28:14I'm thinking motivational speech.
28:16What about I learn how to speak French or something?
28:20Because I'm sure it's very inspiring for a deaf person
28:22to learn a new language.
28:23You think that's inspiring?
28:25Mm.
28:26You think you'll change people?
28:27I feel that often.
28:29How often do you inspire people?
28:31I didn't mean to.
28:33Right.
28:34It just happened.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36I might just sit and drink cups of tea.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:39Have you ever done a sponsor of something before?
28:41Just walks.
28:42Can I sleep?
28:43That's not very inspiring either.
28:44Walking and sleeping so far.
28:45Walking and sleeping.
28:4620 minutes of me frying eggs.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51Maybe I could just walk around with a tyre around my neck or something.
28:56LAUGHTER
28:57I'm writing it down.
28:58Is that a thing?
28:59Don't...
29:00Mm.
29:01Mm.
29:02Mm.
29:04These are really good tasks.
29:06I can see how you're the taskmaster.
29:08This is an assistant.
29:09Oh, assistant.
29:10Yeah, Greg's the taskmaster.
29:11Yeah, no, but he's not here, so...
29:13We'll just pretend it's you.
29:14Really?
29:15Yeah.
29:16It's like when I was vice-captain, when Steph Horton wasn't there,
29:19I used to tell people I was captain.
29:20Yeah.
29:21APPLAUSE
29:22You wouldn't be telling people you were the taskmaster, would you?
29:29No.
29:30No, cos Daddy would be very cross.
29:32LAUGHTER
29:33Good.
29:34Let's get inspired.
29:35Well, one knows words and the other woes nerds.
29:38That's right, it's Susie Dent and Big Zoo.
29:41I'm Susie Dent and I am going to try a Maximathon,
29:45because I'm going to do as many English maxims or sayings
29:49as I can do in 20 minutes.
29:51So, here goes.
30:06Hello, Big Zoo.
30:08What are you going to do?
30:09I'm going to do a rap-a-thon.
30:10Full 20 minutes?
30:1120 minutos.
30:12Your time starts now.
30:14My name is Big Zoo.
30:16I'm going to show you what I do.
30:17Wait.
30:18Let's get back.
30:19Oh.
30:20Sorry, we lost a bit about that.
30:33B-I-G-Z-W.
30:35If you can't spell, I will spell it for you.
30:37B-I-G to the Z-W.
30:39I'm here to inspire the entire crew.
30:41If you're a kid sitting in school and you're thinking this isn't cool,
30:45don't worry.
30:46One day you can pick up a tool and it could be a boat builder.
30:50That could be you.
30:51No.
30:52Come with a different flavour.
30:53Always on track.
30:54Slip from my brain.
30:55And I don't lack.
30:56And I don't slack.
30:57We're halfway.
30:58Yo.
30:59Rapper fun.
31:00Yeah.
31:01Yeah.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Yeah.
31:04Yeah.
31:05Yeah.
31:06Remix.
31:07I like cake.
31:08And I like a slice.
31:09If you're not inspired, then you are lost.
31:10In a field.
31:11In a field.
31:12Yeah.
31:13And I'm really thrilled.
31:14See me on the screen.
31:15Like Ian Bill.
31:16Speak for 20 minutes.
31:17Nothing for man.
31:18B-I-G.
31:19I'm bigger than man.
31:20I am the sergeant.
31:21Tell me what it is.
31:22If you ain't inspired, you ain't listen to the lyrics that are required.
31:23Z-W.
31:24We don't know the name.
31:25B-I-G.
31:26Z-W.
31:27I am the sergeant.
31:28Tell me what it is.
31:29If you ain't inspired, you ain't listen to the lyrics that are required.
31:32Five.
31:33Z-W.
31:34If you don't know the name.
31:35D-I-G.
31:36Z-W.
31:37I'm done.
31:38B-I-G.
31:39Z-W.
31:40I'm done.
31:41Yeah!
31:50Surprisingly good.
31:51I'm playing to typeset, but I was fairly engaged throughout.
31:54Well, tell.
31:55Fairly engaged throughout.
31:56I was...
31:57Big suit.
31:58I'm no rapper.
32:00Should they rhyme?
32:02Depending on the time.
32:05Yeah.
32:06There were over 50 references to food in the rap.
32:10How long...
32:11You don't have to do that to me!
32:13He rapped for ages, you told me.
32:14Well, 20 minutes.
32:15Yeah?
32:16Yeah, that's what they had to do.
32:17And it was all from the top of my mind.
32:18Freestyle.
32:19None of it was written before.
32:20No way.
32:21They were both enjoyable.
32:22Yeah.
32:23Now for that, which we call a rose.
32:24Hello, Rose.
32:25Hello.
32:26Hello.
32:27What is going to be your something-a-thon?
32:28I'm going to do a music-a-thon.
32:29Hmm.
32:30Swinkle, Swinkle, Swinkle, Liquid Star.
32:31But I'm going to play a different music instrument.
32:32Oh, God.
32:33You ready?
32:34I'm ready to be inspired.
32:36Your 20 minutes starts now.
32:37You ready?
32:38Is that going to be the 20 minutes?
32:39I'm ready to be inspired.
32:42Your 20 minutes starts now.
32:43BUZZER
32:44BUZZER
32:45BUZZER
32:46BUZZER
32:47BUZZER
32:48BUZZER
32:49BUZZER
32:51BUZZER
32:53BUZZER
32:54BUZZER
32:56BUZZER
32:57BUZZER
32:59BUZZER
33:00BUZZER
33:03BUZZER
33:04BUZZER
33:05BUZZER
33:06BELL RINGS
33:1625 seconds gone.
33:20What's it called?
33:21It's a glockenspiel.
33:23There you go.
33:24BELL RINGS
33:31BELL RINGS
33:33BELL RINGS
33:35BELL RINGS
33:40BELL RINGS
33:47BELL RINGS
33:54BELL RINGS
33:58Wow.
34:01I feel like one of both nopeds that's around the fire, doesn't it?
34:24Oh, hello!
34:26You've got 30 seconds left.
34:28There's one more intimate. This one. I love this one.
34:31What's this one called?
34:33No idea.
34:45Wow!
34:46Isn't that inspirational enough?
34:53It was fairly inspirational. There was a lot going on there.
34:56What was the problem with the pipe thing?
34:58It just made me laugh. I think it's funny.
35:00It looks funny.
35:02And what the problem is was Toby, my interpreter, and Alec,
35:06they both were laughing.
35:08So they were in tears of trying so hard.
35:10So it made me laugh.
35:12So what you're saying is your interpreter let you down on this task?
35:16Yeah?
35:17Well, I almost have to send her out of the room because she kept...
35:20LAUGHTER
35:21And then I realised I wouldn't understand what Alec was saying.
35:24So I had to teach her to do it.
35:25She had to say she let you down on...
35:26Yeah.
35:27Get rid. Get rid.
35:28LAUGHTER
35:29She's really busy not here, ain't she?
35:31LAUGHTER
35:33LAUGHTER
35:34APPLAUSE
35:35Oh, my God.
35:36All right, just one part to go.
35:38In it, a hugely successful professional will win and take home
35:42a slice of processed cheese.
35:44It'll be embarrassing for them, embarrassing for the show,
35:47and will make us all question if it's really that bad
35:50that humans are on their way out.
35:52We'll see you soon.
35:53APPLAUSE
36:05Hello!
36:06Welcome back to part four of part one of this two-part festive special.
36:11Before the break, the task involves trying to achieve
36:14the most inspiring a-thon.
36:16Yes, that's right, Greg, and coincidentally, I'm wearing a thong.
36:19Finally, one won the Euros and one nearly won Eurovision,
36:23which is wonderful, but which one won which one, one wonders?
36:26It's Jill and Sam.
36:28Good.
36:29APPLAUSE
36:30OK, your 20 minutes starts now.
36:32APPLAUSE
36:33I came to Taskmaster and met a random man.
36:38He told me to meet him in his caravan.
36:41He offered me a chocolate bar, he said I'd feel better.
36:45Then he handed me an envelope with a crisp white letter.
36:50I said to him,
36:52Where's that guy that's tall?
36:54I've heard that he really loves football.
36:57I reckon he would have a decent right peg.
37:00He goes by the name of Mr. Greg.
37:04I went to Taskmaster and met a random man.
37:08He told us to meet him in his caravan.
37:12Welcome to my pump-a-thon.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16Are you ready?
37:17Yeah.
37:24He offered me a chocolate bar.
37:26He said I'd feel better.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:31I went to Taskmaster and met a weird man.
37:35Two and a half minutes, Jill.
37:37He said to me,
37:38Follow me into my caravan.
37:40Don't know why it's getting dirtier.
37:42LAUGHTER
37:47We're halfway.
37:48Guess what, guys?
37:50I went to Taskmaster.
37:52I met a weird man.
37:54I've got sweat in my eyeball.
37:56Let's speed it up, everybody.
38:15We're in the final minute, Jill.
38:17This is hard work.
38:18I've got to do it.
38:21I said to him,
38:22Where's that guy that's tall?
38:24I've heard that he really loves football.
38:29I reckon he'd have a decent right peg.
38:31He goes by the name of Mr. Greg.
38:35I'm a decent light peg. He goes by the name of Mr. Greg!
38:48That was 20 minutes. That was amazing. That's your 20 minutes up, Sam.
38:57Thank you. See you later. Thanks, mate.
39:04I'll see you. I'll see you.
39:11Genuinely inspirational football skills. Thank you. Lovely to watch.
39:15And I don't care what anyone says, I think the North East accent's well suited to poetry.
39:19So, well done is how I'd like to start my feedback. Thank you.
39:23And then I'd like to continue it with this. Is everything all right, Sam?
39:27I'm in bed. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you blew up an airbed,
39:33and then you humped it, right? No. I just... I inflated it and deflated it
39:39four times in a row. Three times? Three times? Yeah.
39:42I'm annoyed because I've been telling all my mates I did it four times in 20 minutes.
39:46All right. I'm going to give two points to Sam Ryder and to Susie.
39:50Because I felt similarly inspired by both of them.
39:55I'm giving three to the multiple musical instruments.
39:59So what is there? Is it the incredible international football skills,
40:03or is it you just wrapping nonsense for 20 minutes?
40:07Nonsense? Yeah. No. Come on.
40:10Inspirational quotes were in there.
40:12Give me one inspirational quote and that will make the decision for me.
40:15If you can't spell B-I-G-Z-W, Big Zoo.
40:21LAUGHTER
40:23Four points to Big Zoo. Five points to Jill.
40:27APPLAUSE
40:29OK.
40:31A peek at the scores, perhaps?
40:33Of course. Well, Sam is way out in the back with eight.
40:37At the front, we've got Jill on 15 and Rose on 15.
40:40Wow. All right.
40:42APPLAUSE
40:44There we go.
40:46All to play for.
40:48OK, everyone, just one more thing to do.
40:50Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:00Who's going to read the task out?
41:01I think Rose is going to read the task out.
41:03Put your item in Greg special order.
41:06Reveal the items, Greg.
41:08Ooh!
41:10Ooh!
41:11Ooh!
41:12Ooh!
41:13Ooh!
41:14After each shuffle, Dred will tell you how many items
41:17are in the correct position, but not which one.
41:20The first to get the correct order wins.
41:23Your time starts now.
41:25What about now?
41:26No, no, your time does not start now.
41:27No, that's...
41:28Oh, no, no, OK.
41:29So why did you write it down, then?
41:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:34What I did was I made a mistake.
41:37LAUGHTER
41:38There's only one winner.
41:39One person's going to get five points.
41:41If two people get it on the same go, they both get five points.
41:44It is time for the first shuffle.
41:47WHISTLE BLOWS
41:48Ten seconds, you've got...
41:49Not long.
41:50Oh.
41:52Don't have to shuffle, of course.
41:54WHISTLE BLOWS
41:55Greg's going to go down the line and say how many you've got right.
41:58Big Sue, you have got two right.
42:02That's so annoying.
42:04LAUGHTER
42:05Jill, you have got zero right.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:13Rose, zero right.
42:18Sam, two right.
42:20Ooh.
42:21Ooh.
42:22Susie.
42:23Zero right.
42:25Second shuffle.
42:26WHISTLE BLOWS
42:27WHISTLE BLOWS
42:28Oh.
42:29WHISTLE BLOWS
42:30Mm.
42:31WHISTLE BLOWS
42:32Ooh.
42:33WHISTLE BLOWS
42:34Stop shuffling.
42:35Big Sue has got two right.
42:38Oh, for fucking sake!
42:39LAUGHTER
42:40Who is it?
42:41One, Jill.
42:42Are you sure?
42:43Two.
42:44Yeah, two, Jill.
42:45LAUGHTER
42:46Two.
42:47One, Sam.
42:48Bastard.
42:49OK, yep.
42:50Er...
42:51One...
42:52Two.
42:53Two.
42:54Two.
42:55Two.
42:56Two.
42:57So, we have four twos and one one.
42:59They're inching closer.
43:00Next shuffle.
43:01WHISTLE BLOWS
43:02Gosh, we really could be here for hours.
43:04LAUGHTER
43:05Oh.
43:06Oh.
43:07Zoo.
43:08Two.
43:09Two.
43:10Two.
43:11Oh.
43:12Zoo.
43:13Two.
43:14Consistent.
43:15Jill.
43:16One.
43:17Rose.
43:18One.
43:19Sam.
43:20Uh-oh.
43:21This is putting the cat amongst the pigeons.
43:25Three.
43:26Oh!
43:27Oh!
43:28Susie.
43:29One.
43:30WHISTLE BLOWS
43:31Shuffle!
43:32Ah, shit.
43:33There you go.
43:34Oh, my bonkers broke.
43:36Shuffle plum is up.
43:41So, some late shuffling.
43:43Some very late shuffling.
43:45Zoo.
43:46Three.
43:47Hey!
43:48Jill.
43:49One.
43:50Rose.
43:51One.
43:55Sam was on three.
43:56He's now on...
43:57Two.
43:58Oh, shit.
43:59Susie is on...
44:01One.
44:03WHISTLE BLOWS
44:04Off we go.
44:05One.
44:06One.
44:07One.
44:08How is that possible?
44:09Zero.
44:10One.
44:11Every time.
44:12Three.
44:13Oh!
44:14This is bollocks.
44:15None!
44:16That's about a fucking jump over.
44:18Come on, Sam.
44:19Just swap.
44:20One.
44:21One.
44:22One.
44:23One.
44:24One.
44:25One.
44:26One.
44:27One.
44:28One.
44:29One.
44:30One.
44:31One.
44:32One.
44:33One.
44:34One.
44:35Two.
44:36The right...
44:37Swap the two that are right, please.
44:41And...
44:42Stop shuffling.
44:43Do we have a winner?
44:44Please have a winner.
44:45One.
44:46One.
44:47One for Zoo.
44:48Oh, bro.
44:49One, Jill.
44:50Oh.
44:51Three, Rose.
44:52Three.
44:53Three.
44:54Three.
44:55Three.
44:56One.
44:57Two to Susie.
44:58Two to Susie.
44:59And on this occasion, Sav has got...
45:02Five!
45:03One.
45:04One.
45:05One.
45:06One.
45:07One.
45:08One.
45:09And the special order, of course, is the alphabetical order.
45:12Each one starts with the same letter as your own names.
45:14You're in that order too.
45:16We're finished.
45:17One.
45:18One.
45:19One.
45:20One.
45:21One.
45:22One.
45:23One.
45:24duas.
45:25This has been a class.
45:26Wow!
45:27What a rush that was.
45:28Oh.
45:29Great redemption.
45:30I needed that.
45:31I can't lie.
45:32You did, it did.
45:33I can tell you, he's not in last place any more.
45:35He's in second.
45:36How?
45:37Second last place...
45:40Two people are drawing though, Greg, because this is the final scoreboard.
45:43Jill and Rose are joint winners.
45:46Oh!
45:49Close as well, very close.
45:51We don't leave things there, eh.
45:52We don't leave things there. It's a tie-break!
45:54Oh!
45:56All they have to do is answer this question.
45:58What length is my pineapple?
46:00I have a tattoo of a pineapple.
46:03Where?
46:04You know that bit between your balls and grass?
46:06No, no, no.
46:08Not personally.
46:10I'm going to give you a card each.
46:12You're going to have ten seconds to write down your answer.
46:14It's closest number in millimetres wins.
46:16Maybe three, four...
46:18Maybe four.
46:22I've noted no-one's asking me for help.
46:26LAUGHTER
46:28They both were in our numbers.
46:30Yep. Who would you like to see first?
46:32Rose's first.
46:3440.
46:3640 millimetres or four centimetres.
46:38Correct. Jill?
46:4050 millimetres or five centimetres.
46:42And now,
46:44for the most anticlimactic moment of all time...
46:48It is...
46:5082!
46:5182!
46:52It's 82 the weekend!
46:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:55Jill Scott wins!
46:57The first of our New Year's treats.
46:59Please wander up to whack your wonderful women!
47:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:05That's locked away.
47:06I don't think it can be.
47:07It can be.
47:21I'm tired if you want toéę².
47:23It's too small.
47:25You never need it.
47:26The Vacuum Deputy Rei
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