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00:00Tubeless, Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages, Neen and Missy Middle Ages
00:03Gory Stories, we do that, and your host a Talking Rats
00:08The past is no longer a mystery, welcome to Horrible Histories
00:15Horrible Histories presents Barbie Battles Special
00:21Is the coast clear?
00:26Oh, that looked nasty
00:29My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle
00:32One of our classic ratty pillow fights
00:35Ah, incoming!
00:37It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom
00:42That's how real wars sometimes start too
00:44One nation invades another country and tries to take it over
00:48Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others
00:51Chuck!
00:55It started with the Spanish Armada
00:58That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
01:01I think we made them mad
01:03It did
01:04It made them so mad
01:06It led to
01:07The lesser known Armada
01:09Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
01:12Right now, it's pink time
01:15So, Francis Drake
01:17Your march?
01:19Unleash
01:19The English Armada
01:22Led by Francis Drake aboard his ship, Revenge
01:34180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers
01:38We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
01:40Attack!
01:41No fleet could match them
01:44Wait!
01:44Instead of their fleet of ships, let's attack the Spanish city of Coruña
01:51But attacking a well-defended city instead of a fleet might not go as well
01:57I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet
01:58Hmm
01:59Okay, might take a bit longer than I thought
02:03Longer?
02:05The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
02:07The men are dying of salvation and sickness
02:09What are you complaining about?
02:10We've still got 5,000 men
02:12Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men
02:14That's not ideal
02:16The English Armada
02:18The one you've maybe not heard of
02:21And coming soon
02:23You know, the English Armada
02:25We sent against the Spanish
02:26Because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us
02:28Well, I think they may be planning revenge
02:30No!
02:32Yes
02:32Another Spanish Armada
02:35The Spanish Armada 2
02:37Armada Harder
02:40I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
02:43Yeah
02:44Me and my brothers are losing the battle
02:47So we've turned our bedrooms into a fort
02:49We've built barriers at every entrance
02:51So our sisters can't attack us
02:53We are totally safe
02:56Battles are hard
02:59And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem
03:02Take it down, you lot
03:04Sorry, Mum
03:05Sometimes the people are the problem
03:07William the Conqueror found that out
03:09After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings
03:12He came up against a particularly tricky opponent
03:16Harold's mum
03:18Oof
03:19Hello!
03:24I am King William of England
03:27I know you're in there
03:30We're not scared of you, William
03:32Guys, seriously
03:34I am not okay about this rebellion
03:37I just conquered you
03:39I'm so peeved
03:40I literally just poked this guy's eyes out
03:43There was a whole battle near Hastings, remember?
03:46My rival, King Harold
03:48And all his brothers were killed or captured
03:51I mean, there is literally
03:53There is literally no one else from the royal family
03:56Left to lead you
03:58Move it, sunshine
04:01Cooey!
04:06Oh, for crying out loud
04:08Look who it is
04:08Yeah, what if you hadn't have poked my eyes out?
04:10Oh, sorry
04:11It's the old King Harold's mum, Geetha
04:13Oh?
04:14Yeah
04:15You forgot about mummy, didn't you?
04:20Look, it would be better for everybody
04:23If we ended all this rivalry
04:25And you just surrendered
04:27So
04:28What do you say?
04:32Why's it all gone quiet?
04:33Hang on
04:33Something's happening
04:34Oh, I think he's getting his bum out
04:37Oh, yeah
04:38But why?
04:40Don't worry about it, Your Majesty
04:41Everyone does it when they get nervous
04:43That wasn't me
04:44It was them
04:45Oh, sure it was
04:46That's our answer
04:50The sound of a mother's rage
04:56And by the smell of it
05:00Cabbage
05:03Oh, God, that is strong
05:06Maybe you should go and change your chain mail
05:09It wasn't me
05:10Do you want me to poke something else out?
05:12Yeah, can you start with my nose?
05:13Hit him again
05:16I know you have them surrounded
05:19But maybe it's time we were treated
05:20Yeah, it stinks
05:22That's right
05:24Fear our power
05:27And smell it too
05:30Oh, I could smell that one from France
05:34We'll be back
05:34Right, that's enough
05:37It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain
05:45Roma, as a new emperor
05:47Determined to finish the job
05:49It's gonna take one tough toga wearer
05:51To risk everything in this hellhole
05:54I'm Emperor Claudius
05:55I'm Emperor Claudius
05:55And this is extreme survival
05:58Step one, defense
06:00You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids
06:05Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge
06:08You're going to need protection
06:09And you're going to need it fast
06:11Look around you
06:12What do you see?
06:14Nothing but trees and dirt
06:15But trees and dirt
06:17With training and basic tools
06:19Can become a fortress
06:20A fortress can keep you alive
06:22When everybody around you
06:24Wants you dead
06:25But what I like to do is
06:27Stay 900 miles away in a row
06:30And let my general Paulinus
06:31And the army
06:32Do the hard work
06:34When you're faced with that
06:36Being somewhere completely different
06:38Is a very effective way of staying alive
06:41Step two, stop rebellions
06:44You've finally arrived in Great Britain
06:46Because the war has already been won
06:47But now you have to win at a peace
06:49And these locals will rebel
06:51At the drop of a helmet
06:52You need to be prepared
06:53And that means using what's around you
06:55Look around you, what do you see?
06:57A stone can be used as a missile
06:59And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night
07:03Staying well lit and armed
07:05Is vitally important in a hostile situation
07:07But what I like to do is
07:09Bring an elephant
07:10It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant
07:14What's around they'll say?
07:16And I'll say, that's an elephant
07:18And they'll say, cool
07:19I've never seen one of those
07:20Let's not rebel
07:21Probably
07:22Who cares?
07:23I've got an elephant
07:24I love it when they do that
07:26Extreme elephant
07:28Step three
07:30Conquer more of the island
07:31So you're safer from attack
07:33You've secured the southeast
07:35But it's going to take years
07:37To spread your rule
07:38Across this new and dangerous island
07:39You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you
07:43But what I like to do is
07:45Go home
07:46After sixteen days
07:47Let the army do the rest
07:49Going home to Rome
07:50Seriously reduces your chances
07:52Of being killed abroad
07:53And that's
07:54Extreme survival
07:56Let's bounce
07:58I forgot my elephant
08:04Now, Jim
08:07In precisely one minute's time
08:10We're going to march
08:11As British soldiers
08:12Fighting for the East India Company
08:14Into battle
08:15At Syringapatta
08:16How do you like that?
08:17Any chance we can do it tomorrow, Colonel?
08:18No, we cannot do it tomorrow
08:21We're doing it today
08:22Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?
08:25I think my hat has caught my head
08:26No, we cannot talk in the shade
08:28A British soldier stands where he must
08:31Be that under fire
08:32In the ice
08:33Or in the sun
08:35Is that understood?
08:36He must be very strong
08:40I think their leader just killed a man with his finger
08:42Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?
08:48You're to march into someone else's country
08:49Killing anyone who resists
08:51At least you can do is dress appropriately
08:53We're struggling with the sun, sir
08:55I mean, we all are
08:56We're not used to it
08:56All the fevers
08:57All the water
08:58All the food
08:59Sorry, I've got a dysentery, sir
09:02That was a close one
09:05I don't care
09:06If it's a bit hot
09:08I don't care
09:09If you've got a runny bottom
09:11I don't care
09:13If anyone's got a little bit of fever
09:16Lemons
09:16Badgers
09:17Soup fairies
09:19That's just fever
09:19He's seeing things
09:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, wow
09:22I promise I'm trying to keep them in
09:24Can you hear gunfire?
09:27I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs
09:29They can't handle food with flavour
09:31It goes straight through them
09:32It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us
09:35When they finally leave
09:37It is going to take an age to clean up after them
09:39And to rebuild all the cities they burned
09:41You lot are a disgrace
09:43Now, you need to be ready to march
09:45March?
09:46I am standing dead still and flexing my bum
09:48If I march
09:50There's going to be carnage
09:52Perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today
09:55You shower of toilets
09:59The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land
10:03The British soldiers are feared around the globe
10:05Do you really think a bit of heat gut churning is going to stop us?
10:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
10:11That might slow us down, actually
10:13Get any new uniform?
10:18Well, I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys
10:20They'll go eventually
10:22They'll have to
10:23They'll run out of underwear
10:24We all know the first rule of pillow fights. Pillows only.
10:31But if we're going to defeat my sisters, I'm going to have to get a bit more creative.
10:35So, I've emptied the feathers out of this one and put my mate, Freddy the Frog, inside.
10:40Ratilda's scared of frogs.
10:43Unfortunately, Freddy's scared of Ratilda, too.
10:48Come on, she's not that scary.
10:50I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems.
10:54Just ask this lot.
10:58Sire, I think you'll be impressed.
11:01I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionize hunting.
11:04Oh, exciting.
11:05I started with a small sharpened piece of bone.
11:08But that is tiny. We'll never catch a line with this.
11:11Look. Did that hurt?
11:14Well, a little bit. No, it didn't.
11:16Okay, but I hadn't finished.
11:17You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.
11:20Ah, you're wasting your time.
11:22Look, this is the smallest spear I've ever seen.
11:24We'll never catch a vicious piece with this child's toy.
11:26Look.
11:27Did that hurt?
11:29It hurt quite a lot, actually.
11:30No, again.
11:31What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear a vast distance and hit a target using this?
11:36Interesting.
11:37Let me have a go.
11:39Let me have a go.
11:44Ah, useless.
11:45This will never catch a leopard.
11:47I wouldn't be so sure.
11:48Watch me, sire.
11:52Ooh, impressive.
11:56So hold it like this.
11:58Right.
12:00Ow!
12:01Sire!
12:02I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.
12:04Let me have another go.
12:05Ah, I think I'll stand over here.
12:07Okay, this is the one.
12:10Fire.
12:14It's broken.
12:15Ah!
12:16Try again, but round the other way.
12:18The other way.
12:19Yes.
12:20Okay.
12:21This way.
12:22All right.
12:25Ah!
12:26Where is it?
12:27Ah!
12:28It's here.
12:29I mean the ball round the other way.
12:31Yes.
12:32Oh, oh.
12:33No, no, no, no, no.
12:34I'm getting out of here.
12:36Ah!
12:39Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to it.
12:41A bit.
12:42I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now.
12:45Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
12:49You did it!
12:52Amazing!
12:53You have invented a tool that can fire small spears.
12:56I call it a bow and arrow.
12:59The bow and arrow.
13:02Actually, the other way, but it doesn't matter.
13:07Blue man, blue man, the living toilet who ran from the Middle Ages with a bucket so that you can have a poo in a private place.
13:16Sinking on my bucket with a cape to hide your face.
13:19And bum, and when you're done, I won't choice depending if you did until I want.
13:25Blue man!
13:30Nine, nine, nine!
13:32Greetings, friend.
13:34Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat?
13:36I am Blue Man, the living lavatory.
13:39And you look like a man who needs the little U-boat's captain's room.
13:44Yes, I do.
13:45Well, then, I would like to apply for the jobies.
13:48We have a toilet. I'm meeting the engineer there now.
13:51Engineer?
13:52Yeah.
13:53Flashing the boat's toilet is very complex, and only a specially trained person can do it.
13:59I'm intrigued.
14:01It is ready for you, Captain.
14:02Oh, thank goodness.
14:03Oh, torpedoes away!
14:06Oh, there we go.
14:08Tell me, mind find, do you call them the captain's logs?
14:14Oh, this is the best!
14:16Sorry, Lou, ma'am. A pleasure to meet a fellow poo-fessional.
14:20Feel better?
14:22Oh, yes. Thank you.
14:23Uh, I'd give it frumpf, if I were you.
14:26Yes, Captain.
14:27You may flush when ready, engineer.
14:29Aye, aye, Captain.
14:31All right.
14:33Oh, no.
14:34Goodness, yeah, my setup's a lot simpler than yours, if you want me to take you through it.
14:38Ah, nein, danke.
14:40Please do not disturb me.
14:41I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order, otherwise this seawater will flood into the vessel.
14:49Okay, yeah, cool.
14:51Um, out of interest, how many buckets' worth of bum blackwurst is this baby store?
14:57Well, actually, this sub does not store its poop.
15:00Instead, we fire torpedoes into the ocean with compressed air.
15:05Love it!
15:07Hello! What's happened?
15:08Has he done a floater?
15:09What?
15:11Oh, no. I've implemented the wrong sequence.
15:14The toilet is filling up with seawarts and the captain's logs.
15:16Oh, you do call them the captain's logs in.
15:18Captain, the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries and the sap is filling with poisonous gas.
15:23We must surface an abandoned ship.
15:25Abandon ship?
15:27Code Brown!
15:29Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
15:33Julian's the bucket.
15:34Well, Dr. Skinner, we're hoping you've come up with something that will help us to defeat the Nazis.
15:43Gentlemen, I believe I have.
15:45A massive advance in missile accuracy.
15:48Piloted missiles.
15:50Piloted?
15:51But who would be stupid enough to pilot a missile that was going to explode?
15:56Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.
15:58You want a pigeon to fly the bomb?
16:08Of course not.
16:10I want three pigeons to fly the bomb.
16:13Gentlemen, each pigeon harnessed inside the missile has been trained to peck at the target when they see it.
16:19This pecking transmits a signal via the bird's beak which controls the bomb's tail fins and directs it towards the target.
16:28Oh, nein! You've destroyed my Nazi battleship!
16:32Who'd have suspected a pigeon?
16:35Somebody give Skinner a promotion!
16:37Are we being pranked?
16:39Do you want us to entrust the war to birds?
16:42These are no ordinary birds, sir.
16:44My pigeons are graduates of the Skinner School of Aviation.
16:47You created a flying school for pigeons.
16:50Well, they're not going to train themselves, are they?
16:53Who is this guy?
16:55Let me show you something.
16:58What are you doing?
16:59A demonstration, sir.
17:01Each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war.
17:05Ah! My eyes!
17:07My eyes!
17:09See? It didn't even flinch!
17:11Thank you, Dr. Skinner.
17:12We have heard enough.
17:14I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's a terrible idea.
17:17I'm sure implementing your pigeon plan would have been a real coup.
17:22And I don't want you to get in a flat, but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off.
17:29Hey, where'd that pigeon go?
17:31I told you they were trained to hit enemy targets.
17:32Oh!
17:33Being in a battle is exhausting.
17:34Thankfully, Mummus has brought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going.
17:35And I think she might be supplying the enemy to you.
17:36Girls!
17:37Sandwiches are ready!
17:38Pick your side, Mummus!
17:39I shouldn't be surprised, Mummus!
17:40I shouldn't be surprised, though.
17:41Mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history.
17:42Although, I'm glad my mum isn't a Spartan one.
17:44Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world.
17:47The only thing tougher than them are their mums.
17:48Get up!
17:49Sit up!
17:50This is Spartan Mums.
17:51Are you segunda enough?
17:52I'm on!
17:57Tell me something!
17:58The點icka side, Mummers!
18:01Back your side, Mummers!
18:02I shouldn't be surprised, though.
18:04Mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history.
18:06Although I'm glad my mum isn't a Spartan one.
18:10Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world.
18:13The only thing tougher than them are their mums.
18:14Get up!
18:15Sit up!
18:16This is Spartan Mums.
18:17Are you tough enough?
18:18Come on!
18:19Tell me something.
18:20do you want to be in the Spartan army yes my best mommy what did you say yes
18:25mommy drop down and give me 300 they're good boys but they need to grow a spine
18:31I mean they're Spartans they need to learn to be as tough as their mothers
18:35and believe me we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as Spartans
18:39can I get up now did I say you could speak sorry mommy I meant to send you
18:44pathetic babies out to fight for us do you want to go to battle or will you
18:49come running home to your mommy no mommy no mommy a coward I should have left you
18:54outside on the hill like your other brother what other brother exactly what
19:01mommy wants mommy gets or you die attention let me look at you oh you don't want us
19:09to get naked again do you that is the best way to assess your physical fitness
19:13that's no not this time oh that's a shame I've been working on my abs
19:18these are your shields you carry them into battle you return with them or on them
19:30oh like a sledge oh like a stretcher dead dummy shame about the sledge that sounded fun
19:38oh I weed I weed I'm sorry mommy no can't do this
19:44you are a disgrace
19:48the three grueling weeks are over and this is the end of the beginning of their training
19:55which will last for many years to come I want my mommy
20:00I know drop a give you 300
20:03one two two and a half
20:08oh it hurts mommy
20:09dearest edward mommy here I do hope this letter finds you well
20:17despite this silly civil war
20:19not much to report from here at home apart from missing you and daddy of course
20:26I do feel so safe with our own soldiers here to protect us
20:30lady holly
20:31siege siege
20:32we're under attack
20:33carry our positions men
20:35we will not let our home ball defend her at all
20:38I do hope you are looking after daddy
20:42I'm so proud of you both
20:45for defending our puritan values against the royalist scum
20:50as some mean people like to call them
20:53the bells
20:54the bells
20:55they're taking the bells
20:56not on my watch
20:57hit them with everything we've got
20:59oh I've been hit
21:05oh cake
21:06I was
21:11going to send you a cake
21:13to make you think of her
21:15eat musket balls losers
21:25I prefer the cake
21:27I seem to have run out of cake
21:31love and snuggles
21:34mommy
21:34we did it
21:37we did it
21:38they're retreating
21:38who's the mommy
21:40it's me
21:41right
21:42be a laugh
21:43and sneak this past the enemy
21:45would you
21:46move move move
21:48I don't know how long we can keep this battle going
21:53I'm exhausted
21:54also we're running out of pillows
21:57we've only got three left
21:59we've only got two left
22:02luckily people in history have had all sorts of inventive ways
22:05to stop war and find peace
22:08and one of the more surprising ways is marriage
22:12that one was my favorite
22:15they say there is a wafer thin line between love and hate
22:22so is it any wonder that when two warring rivals look for peace
22:27it is l'amour that shows the way
22:29pharaoh ramesses the second is looking for love
22:33or an end to war
22:35one of the two
22:36I hope I like her
22:37I hope my wives like her as well
22:40hey do people normally bring their wives on dates
22:43serious question
22:44you don't mind do you
22:46yeah she's all right
22:47okay
22:48his date is the eldest daughter
22:52of the king of the hittites
22:54you must be ramesses the second
22:56my name is
22:57I don't care what your name is
22:58I'ma call you
22:59mafauna for Ra
23:00it means she
23:02who beholds the falcon
23:04that is the visible splendor
23:06of Ra
23:07yeah right
23:09I'm with you with names innit
23:10is he allowed to do that
23:11I mean I know he's a pharaoh
23:13and I've heard he can do whatever he likes
23:15but is he literally allowed to change my name
23:16things are off to a bad start
23:18because while ramesses is pharaoh of the upper nile
23:21he's on this occasion
23:22also king of the utter vile
23:24all right
23:25you need some oil babes
23:26no thanks babe
23:27apologies my bad
23:28you need some oil babes
23:30huh
23:31who's like no
23:31stop that
23:33what are you doing
23:34the oil was there to banish the netherworld
23:37and keep you safe from evil
23:38you're welcome
23:39look I know that ditch in this state
23:40could restart a war between our kingdoms
23:42but right now
23:43that seems like a price worth paying
23:44hey hey hey look look look
23:45we both know
23:47that our marriage
23:48is just there to keep the peace
23:50but look
23:51let's just put all of that aside yeah
23:53let's just talk about
23:55our hopes
23:56and our dreams
23:57I'd like that
23:58so how much am I getting
24:00huh
24:01think of world peace
24:03think of world peace
24:04it's called a dowry
24:05the dad has to give me a load of stuff
24:06when I marry her
24:07oh it's a standard thing at regular weddings
24:09let alone ones being arranged
24:11to end a war
24:12ain't that right
24:13I got big coins off of these love
24:15so I get the gold yeah
24:16the silver
24:17the slaves
24:18the horses
24:19and the cows
24:20is that all
24:21and me of course
24:22yeah of course
24:25how can I forget that
24:27that's mad
24:27I'm gonna put you down under the horses
24:29and they say romance is dead
24:31so do you think you'll see each other again
24:33sure
24:34I mean
24:35we'll have to innit
24:36if we don't get married
24:38then the war between our rival kingdoms
24:41may well start up again
24:42right I ain't got no choice
24:44the words every bride longs to hear
24:46don't worry babes
24:47we'll look after you
24:48there you go
24:49wives
24:50less guy
24:51just ignore him
24:55me do
24:56yeah I'll catch you back at the palace
24:58you know
25:00I might have to be back next week
25:02because five wives ain't enough
25:03you know what I mean
25:04you know what I'm saying
25:05the dust has settled on our final battle
25:12we all decided to put aside the pillows of war
25:15and lead a peaceful life
25:17because dad has said if we didn't he'd sell the telly
25:21yes
25:21war is never the answer
25:23unless the question is
25:25three letter word
25:26beginning with W
25:27English civil what
25:28of course
25:29in the English civil war
25:30Oliver Cromwell's motto was peace through war
25:33but my dad says that's nonsense
25:35and he might be right
25:37things didn't work out so well for Cromwell
25:39civil war
25:43what was it good for
25:47monarchy abolished
25:49civil war
25:51what was it good for
25:55royalty demolished
25:57once we'd won and Charles lost his head
26:01we became a commonwealth instead
26:03my new model army fought for the cause
26:05I crushed rebellion and report laws
26:07this old parliament became lord protector
26:10like a king but without a crown of scepter
26:12protectorate was now what we were called
26:14with a jolly little motto
26:15peace through war
26:16civil war
26:17what was it good for
26:22monarchy disbanded
26:24civil war
26:26what was it good for
26:30eye power expanded
26:32England and Wales it's twelve little bits
26:36it didn't work out had to call that quince
26:38thought making me king would be the solution
26:40but I stayed law protector with a new constitution
26:42didn't last long death was my fate
26:44so son and heir stepping up to the plate
26:46it was a tough act to follow the great dictator
26:49the army forced me out a year later
26:51civil war
26:52what was it good for
26:57monarchy diminished
26:58civil war
27:01what was it good for
27:05I thought we were finished
27:07but all the while
27:10I'd been in exile
27:12banished from my home nation
27:15then I got the call
27:19they'd had enough of war
27:21and so began
27:22the restoration
27:24I'd pardon crimes from civil war times
27:28I'm back what's not to lie
27:30well they dug me up
27:32cut me up
27:33and put my head on a spine
27:34civil war
27:36who was it good for
27:40don't get me started
27:42civil war
27:45who was it good for
27:49right now where's the party
27:51the party
27:54you
27:56you
27:56you
27:57you
27:57you
28:01you
28:02you
28:06you
28:08you
28:11you
28:12you
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