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00:00...Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment for later times
00:02Roman, rotten, rag and ruthless, cavemen, savage, fierce and tubeless
00:05Groovy Greeks, rainy sages, need a missing little ages
00:08Gory stories, we do that
00:10And your host, a talking rat
00:13The past is no longer a mystery
00:16Welcome to...
00:17Horrible Histories
00:20Horrible Histories presents
00:24Pityful Princes and Princesses
00:27Have you ever dreamt of being a prince or princess?
00:31Living in a fancy castle
00:33Wearing cool crowns
00:35And drinking only the finest bean juices
00:38Mmm, nice
00:40Of course, that only happens by magic in fairy stories
00:44Normally, a lot of work goes into being a royal
00:47Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today
00:52I'm famous French air dresser, Cyr Lassaner
00:54And I'm portrait artist Joseph Ducreux
00:57And we are here to collect an Austrian princess
01:01Say hi to the viewers
01:02Hello
01:03This princess knows she's headed to France to marry Prince Louis
01:06Who is going to be king one day?
01:09What she doesn't know is how much the French public will hate her
01:13If she looks Austrian
01:14What?
01:15They literally won't let her into the country looking like this
01:18They'll rip her to shreds
01:19Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement
01:21So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French
01:26Now I'm thinking we'll call you Marie Antoinette
01:40But that is not my name
01:42My name is Maria Antonia
01:44Not anymore
01:44We're changing it to Marie Antoinette
01:47It sounds more French
01:48Future queen of France
01:49Let's dance
01:50What is going on with this air?
01:58You've got it scraped back so far
02:00It's pulling out the roots and clumps
02:02Well, it's very fashionable in Austria
02:04That explains everything
02:06At the moment, honey
02:07This forehead gives me a sore head
02:09OMG, you are so right
02:11That's why when I was sent to Austria to paint you
02:13I painted what I wanted to say
02:16Not what I did say
02:18She is so fresh, so fly, so French
02:21Doesn't look anything like me
02:24Exactly
02:25So good
02:27Thank you
02:28Wow, it's magnificent
02:34I know
02:34Now sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again
02:39But only after we fixed your disgusting Austrian fangs
02:42Look at those jagged little teeth pointing out all over the place
02:47It's like, guys, pick a direction
02:49So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile
02:53And all it would take is some light dentistry
02:56Using the state-of-the-art metal tools
02:59Ah, won't that hurt?
03:00You won't feel a thing
03:02Oh
03:02Because you'll feel everything
03:05We don't have pain relief
03:07Open wide
03:08Let's make your dentures all Frenchers
03:10When we met Maria Antonia, she was a real no-no-no-nia
03:20But Maria Antoinette is très chic
03:23She's glamorous
03:24She can barely move her mouth after agonizing dental surgery
03:28But she is fit for France
03:30So, what do you think of your transformation?
03:35Are you happy?
03:38Oh, she's speechless
03:40And now you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince
03:45Yes, queen
03:46This is the happiest day of my life
03:50Let's dance
03:51Yeah, we probably should have worked on our dancing too
03:59Definitely
04:00Please, just stop, you're embarrassing everyone
04:03Some can spend their whole lives searching for true love
04:09And never find it
04:10But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to the throne of England
04:14His true love was arranged by his father's lawyers
04:17As part of a peace treaty when he was two years old
04:20And they say romance is dead
04:21But while Arthur has known the name of his true love
04:25Since he was a toddler
04:26This will be their very first date
04:29Enjoy
04:29I really hope we get on
04:33We're getting married at the end of next week
04:35Prince Arthur's first date
04:36And soon-to-be wife
04:38Is Spanish princess Catherine of Aragon
04:40So great to finally meet you
04:42I'm Prince Arthur
04:44My father is King Harry VII
04:46Which means I will be the first official King Arthur of Britain eventually
04:51Bye
04:53Yes, I know who you are
04:56We will be the next week
04:59Do we have food or do we have food first?
05:04So it turns out she can't speak any English at all
05:09Which is, you know, a shame
05:11Because English is my best language
05:13Gracias chorizo Barcelona
05:17Nachos
05:19Si?
05:20Ay caramba
05:22You like food?
05:24Food?
05:25Oh, yum yum yum yum yum yum
05:27Chicken?
05:28Puck puck puck puck puck puck puck puck
05:29Que es una idiota
05:31Si, el es un idiota
05:33The idiot means something completely different in Spanish
05:36Actually, it's the same thing
05:38Right
05:38This is an absolute disaster
05:41I mean, I probably should have seen this coming, right?
05:43Because we just used to write to each other in Latin, so
05:45Wait
05:47Game on!
05:49Te amo
05:50Te amo
05:51The international language of love, Latin
05:55What can I get you?
05:57Palum et carotum animus
05:58I'm so sorry
06:00I do not speak Latin
06:00Idiota
06:02Do you think you'll see each other again?
06:06Er, yeah
06:07I mean, we're getting married in ten days
06:08Hitch!
06:09Sorry, bro
06:10Great touch, though
06:11That's just my little brother, Prince Henry
06:13Ah, Henry, er, ocho
06:16Henry the eighth?
06:18No
06:19Fat chance at that
06:21It can only be called that if he became king
06:23And that's not going to happen unless I die
06:24So, no
06:25Once we get married, you'll never have to worry about him, Henry
06:27Bullseye!
06:28Right, come in!
06:31Prince Arthur and Princess Catherine married one week after they met
06:34But Arthur croaked five months later
06:36So Catherine moved on and married his little bro, Prince Henry
06:39Standard
06:40Gives me all the feels, actually
06:42Bonjour, I am Marie, Queen of Scots
06:50And as you can imagine, being Queen of Scotland may be quite a catch in the 16th century dating world
06:56I'm also well fit
06:58I'm also well fit
06:58Tsss, ouch!
07:00My hand in marriage was so sought after that I was engaged to be married when I was just six months old
07:07Henry the eighth wanted me to marry his son, Prince Edward
07:10But tell me, what did he send to help seal the marriage?
07:15I like presents, who doesn't?
07:18Did he send?
07:19A, a ship full of flowers
07:22B, a toy throne
07:24Or C, an army
07:27The answer is C
07:29He sent an army
07:31He started a war to make sure I married his son
07:34It's called the rough wooing
07:36And it lasted for eight years
07:38So I married the king of France instead
07:41Do one, Edward
07:42You see, you probably think that princes and princesses have an easy life
07:48But that's not always been the case
07:50Back in history, they were often married up to other royals
07:55Just to make their own family more powerful
07:58And if that sounds bad, wait until you see what giving birth could be like
08:02It's poor old Marie Antoinette again
08:05Where is my husband?
08:10I cannot see the king, your majesty, unless he is at the back
08:14Why are they watching?
08:17I'm trying to give birth here
08:18Right this way, room at the front, your majesty
08:21I love a royal birth, don't get me wrong
08:24An execution is fun, but it's over so quickly
08:26Darling, do we really have to have all of these people here watching?
08:30My love, we are here to celebrate the birth of a prince
08:33Oh, princess
08:34We need an audience
08:36They need witnesses to prove the queen actually gave birth
08:39And they didn't use somebody else's baby
08:41Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them swapping it out for a boy
08:44So the king then has an heir
08:46Bonjour
08:46The doctor has arrived
08:49It's a bit quiet in here
08:50I thought we were having a royal birth
08:52More people
08:52What?
08:55I was all here to sweep the chimney
08:57Get your crappy stick away from me
08:59Ignore them, my darling
09:01Just imagine they are not there
09:03What if I didn't have to imagine and they actually weren't there?
09:07She doesn't mean it
09:09I do
09:10It is coming!
09:11Yay!
09:12How do you feel?
09:14A little bit woozy, actually
09:15He was takity
09:16Can somebody open the middle, please?
09:19The princess de Lombard clearly needs some air
09:21Okay, everyone ready?
09:23Oui!
09:24Oui!
09:24Oui!
09:24Boo!
09:26Boo!
09:26Don't panic!
09:28I will stick a spike into her foot to release the blood pressure in her body
09:32Was that whack?
09:32It will certainly wake her up
09:34She's back!
09:36Yay!
09:37Come on, Your Majesty
09:38Push!
09:39Eee!
09:40Push!
09:41Push!
09:42Push!
09:43Push!
09:44Push!
09:44Push!
09:45Push!
09:46Push!
09:47Push!
09:48It's a girl
09:50That's good, that's good
09:54Okay, so I need some time to meet my daughter
09:57Everyone out!
09:59The king needs some private time with his new daughter
10:01This is a very, very personal moment
10:04That is a personal moment?
10:06I've just had a baby in public
10:08Unbelievable
10:09My first wife, Catherine of Aragon, gave me a daughter, Princess Mary
10:16Which was great and everything
10:18But I wanted a son and heir to my throne
10:21A prince!
10:22Erm, I did actually then have a son
10:25But I'm not with the queen
10:27So he couldn't be an official prince
10:29Awkward
10:31But now my second wife, Anne, is pregnant
10:33And I'm certain it's going to be prince time, baby
10:37Although I wouldn't lose my head if it's a girl
10:40Someone might, though
10:41Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant
10:45And everybody's thrilled
10:46You lie about my mum to get a divorce
10:49You ban me from visiting her
10:50And you say I'm not a princess anymore
10:52And you expect me to be happy about your wife being pregnant
10:56Too right, Mary
10:57Can I get a whoop-whoop?
10:59Yeah, she's pretty upset
11:01I should probably go see if she's okay
11:03Or I can organise a special joust for the birth of my son
11:07He's bound to be a boy this time
11:10Right?
11:12Wrong
11:13I think Henry is delighted to announce the birth of a prince
11:16Yes
11:17The whole point of divorcing the last one was so that I could get a son
11:21And now look what's happened
11:22A beautiful, healthy baby girl
11:25But not now, guys, read the room
11:28Can I just double-check?
11:32She's definitely a girl
11:34Okay, fine
11:35Father?
11:41Hello?
11:42Father's fake wife
11:43Queen Anne, actually, for now
11:49Let's see what happens next time you don't have a son
11:51Speaking of the king's sons
11:53Henry Fitzroy in the house
11:55You don't count
11:58Oh, just because the king wasn't married to my mum
12:00Typical
12:01Sorry, girls
12:02I can't believe you gave him better rooms than me at Christmas
12:05Let's give me one of those days
12:06Right
12:07Can we try and smile, yeah?
12:08Wonderful news, Mary
12:14We want you to live with Princess Elizabeth
12:16It will be convenient
12:18Because you will be working for her as a servant
12:21That's no position for a princess
12:23But you're not a princess anymore, are you?
12:26Your daddy took your title away, didn't you, darling?
12:29Hmm?
12:29I certainly feel a bit peckish, actually
12:31Let's see who you are
12:32Dad, you can't let that woman talk
12:35The queen
12:36My mother, Catherine of Aragon, is the queen
12:39Not anymore, she isn't
12:41I'm just gonna go grab a couple pork chops
12:45I eat when I'm nervous
12:48And when I'm not nervous
12:50I'm a hungry boy
12:52They've taken away my household
12:56Anne Boleyn has destroyed my life
13:00I'm not calling her queen
13:01And I'm not calling her daughter princess
13:04And I'm not agreeing with her
13:05About anything, ever
13:07Hey, guys, just came to say hello to the baby
13:09What's he doing here?
13:11Weird, suddenly all I can think about is pork chops
13:13Chop off the old block
13:15I hate him
13:17Oh, jinx!
13:18Ha!
13:19Ha ha
13:19You can't keep calling yourself princess
13:22This is my final word
13:23Please, daddy
13:25Oh, go on then, you can carry on
13:27What can I say, my big softie
13:29I'm a princess
13:31Have we had lunch already?
13:33Better have another one
13:35Just go on the safe side
13:36Yeah?
13:38Then, shh, slap it out
13:39Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales
13:44And when my old man, King George III, dies
13:47I'm gonna be made King George IV
13:49Let's hope that's not too far away
13:51I'm King George III
13:52His father
13:53And I'm still alive
13:55What's the best thing about being a prince?
13:58All that pampering
13:59Spoilt rotten
14:00I blame your mother
14:01She thought he was so perfect
14:02That she put him on display to the public
14:04When he was just a week old
14:05And people came from all over
14:07Just to see his royal cuteness
14:09I mean, you just look like any other baby
14:11Yeah, well, mummy didn't think so
14:12She had a life-size waxwork model made of me
14:15Get in this little glass display jar
14:17Actually, kind of creepy
14:18Now that I think about it
14:19But, uh...
14:20Dad?
14:21Am I gonna be King George IV?
14:29No
14:29Clearly asleep
14:31What's wrong with you?
14:35Many princes and princesses lived a life of luxury
14:39But others had much more difficult lives
14:42Some suffered like you wouldn't believe
14:45One 18th century African prince
14:48Was taken from his home
14:50Sold into slavery
14:51And forced to travel to America
14:53Where he did back-breaking work
14:56On a cotton plantation in Mississippi
14:58His life did eventually improve a little
15:00But it took time
15:02A long time
15:03A long, long, long time
15:06Ladies and gentlemen
15:08I am Prince Abdul Rachman Ibrahima Sorai
15:12Thank you all for coming tonight
15:15To hear the tale of my escape from captivity
15:19Oh, forget it
15:20I can't believe me, I
15:22Could it really be?
15:24Prince Abdul?
15:25Oh, he tell you he was a prince too
15:28Ignore him, he's just a slave
15:30Prince Abdul?
15:31It's me
15:32Dr John Coates Cox
15:33Your father, King Ibrahima, saved me life
15:36When I was in West Africa
15:37Dr Cox
15:38I was taken from my family's kingdom
15:42And I have been enslaved here for 19 years
15:45I'm so sorry, Abdul
15:47Hey, in your face, grumpy villager lady
15:50I am a prince
15:51It's true
15:51He is a prince
15:53Well, that's nice
15:54The authorities here won't care
15:56He's still enslaved
15:58Over my dead body, Your Royal Highness
16:01You will be free within a year
16:04Twenty-one years later
16:06I was still a slave
16:08And my potential rescuer, Dr Cox
16:11Was dead
16:13But while my hopes were fading
16:15Others were still fighting my cause
16:18Thank you for continuing Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshal
16:22But I'm still here
16:24So I wrote to your father, the Sultan of Morocco
16:27And now he's written to the President of America
16:30The Sultan of Morocco is not my father
16:32Are you sure?
16:33I'm pretty sure, yeah
16:34Anyway, the Sultan was so moved
16:36That he wrote directly to President Adams
16:39Who has now approved your journey home
16:42To Morocco
16:43Uh-huh
16:44Which is not my home
16:45I'll admit there's some details that need ironing out
16:47But Prince Abdul, don't you see?
16:49You can leave this place
16:50You're free
16:51This is really happening
16:54Where's my wife?
16:56Darling, get the children
16:57We are all free
16:59Ooh
17:00You did get the freedom for my wife and children, right?
17:05Ugh, this is awkward
17:07My eight children
17:09I'm a free man now
17:11I would do it to myself
17:12And that is why I am here today
17:15Telling my story
17:17And raising money to buy freedom for the rest of my family
17:21And I will not rest until I am done
17:23Can't your dad, the Sultan of Morocco, help?
17:26Not my dad
17:28Please pay attention
17:29This tour is very long
17:32Prince Abdul did eventually make it back to Africa
17:36But he sadly died before reaching his home again
17:39Some princes and princesses choose to live their lives differently to most royals
17:44And march to the beat of their own drum
17:46Like my fellow suffragette, Princess Sophia de Leap Singh
17:50Have you not heard of her?
17:51Wow, she's a huge celeb here in Edwardian England
17:54She uses her fame to raise awareness for our cause
17:57Votes for women
17:58Votes for women
18:00Votes for women
18:00Votes for women
18:01Votes for women
18:03Votes for women
18:04Votes for women
18:05Votes for women
18:07Votes for women
18:09Hi, cuz
18:09I don't see you at Hampton Court much
18:12I thought Buckingham Palace was your vibe
18:14I'm not your cuz, Princess Sophia
18:16I am your king
18:17Whatever
18:17Make it quick
18:18I've got rights to fight for
18:20And bikes to fix
18:21Okay, look
18:21I know you're not a member of the British royal family
18:23But you are a princess
18:25And we royals are expected to behave in certain ways
18:29Give us a hand, Oileen, this chain
18:30Certainly not
18:31The daughter of a Maharaja should ride in a coach
18:33Not on a bike
18:34I'm the newspaper's face of female cycling
18:37And how can you campaign for equality riding in a royal carriage?
18:40Look, Princess Sophia
18:41Your behaviour is embarrassing the family
18:44Anymore, and I shall have to ask you to stop living in Hampton Court Palace
18:48You can't
18:49Your grandmother, Queen Victoria, was my godmother
18:53And she gave me these rooms to live in before she died
18:56They're mine
18:57Cycling, selling suffragette newspapers
18:59Protesting with a troublemaking rabble
19:02I'm just trying to do my bit
19:04You could do your bit by paying some taxes
19:08I won't pay tax until women have fair representation in government
19:13Votes for women
19:14Votes for women
19:16Votes for women
19:17Fine
19:18Do what you want
19:19Forget your royals
19:20Please
19:21Try and make sure to keep your room tidy
19:24Tidy my room?
19:26No way
19:26We have maids for that
19:28I am a princess after all
19:31Votes for women
19:33Votes for women
19:34Votes for women
19:35Horribly Hysterical Musicals presents
19:40Alfield
19:41Alfield
19:44Your mother and I can't always be with you
19:47Making sure you don't meet any boys
19:50That's why we're putting a couple of deadly snakes in your room
19:54To keep them away
19:56Sleep well
19:58What?
19:59Don't touch me
20:00Oh, that was a egg
20:01Get off
20:01I'll never get a boyfriend now
20:04I'm
20:05Princess Alfield
20:07You're gonna get killed
20:08By the viper that guards me
20:10Watch where you tread
20:12Or you'll end up dead
20:13With a capital D
20:15Do we?
20:16Yes, I'm surrounded by snakes
20:18And those are some serious snakes
20:21For a terminally curious prince
20:23All three
20:24Like a princess from an old school fairy tale
20:30Alfield wants to find her prince
20:32Prince Alf
20:34You got past the snakes and rescued me
20:37Let's get married
20:39It'll be
20:40A whole new life
20:44Golden slippers and silver frocks
20:48I'll be your wife
20:52No snakes hiding in my socks
20:56Wait
20:57You're getting married?
20:59All you know about him is that he can avoid snakes
21:01Fine
21:02You win
21:03I won't marry him
21:04Yes
21:05I'll dress up as a man and become a pirate
21:07Happy now
21:08Wait
21:10What just happened?
21:12Alfield
21:12The true story of the princess whose parents filled her bedroom with snakes
21:16And who ran off to become a pirate
21:18Piracy
21:19Deaths for me
21:20Plundering
21:21Bones at sea
21:22I think we can
21:24All agree
21:25There'll never be a queen like me
21:27Alfield
21:28A princess tale like you've never seen before
21:31Um, I'm still a bit confused by the whole pirate thing
21:34Oh, and does anyone have any anti-venom for my bottom?
21:38Oh
21:38Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo
22:04Bonnie Prince Charlie
22:06Oh
22:07Bonnie Prince Charlie
22:08Oh
22:09Bonnie Prince Charlie
22:11Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie, the 18th century prince who laid claim to the thrones of England, Scotland and Ireland?
22:19Yeah
22:20Who are you?
22:21Sorry, I just really need a loo
22:23I am Lumen
22:26You have travelled through time from the 18th century to use my first-rate toilet facility
22:33Hello
22:34Hello
22:35It's
22:36Plot quiz
22:38Answer questions 1 and 2 and I'll let you do a
22:42Woohoo
22:43I really, really need the toilets, can we say no more?
22:46Question number 1
22:47What is your proudest moment?
22:50Well, my grandfather James II was robbed of his English throne during the glorious revolution just for being a bit Catholic
22:57So, my proudest moment would be when I and my Jacobite troops crushed the British in battle
23:04Bringing me closer to taking my throne back from the usurper George II
23:09Throne? As in the toilet?
23:11No, the throne is in the throne
23:13I am the rightful king of Britain and I really need a poo
23:17Alright
23:18Question number 2
23:20Number 2
23:21It gets me every time
23:23Come on, come on, come on, come on
23:24What was your most embarrassing moment?
23:27Er, a rebellion ran out of luck around the time of the Battle of Culloden
23:31And the English captured 3,500 of my men and executed 120
23:35And?
23:36I had to escape in a boat while disguised as an Irish maid
23:39Now, can I please go to the toilet? I'm nearly touching Tartan
23:42You may pass
23:43Liquids and or solids
23:45That are hot, man
23:46Yeah, Mum
23:48Join me next time when I'll be stopping another historical chalet from doing a poo to ask the questions
23:54Just for
23:56Can you say it with me?
23:57Can I please, Charlie?
23:59Just for you
24:09Hi, I'm Prince Edward, eldest son of Edward III, Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall and absolute lad
24:17People also call me the Black Prince on account of my sleek black armour
24:20And because I'm hard as nails
24:23What's the best thing about being a Prince?
24:25Easy
24:26The weapons
24:28Like this bad boy
24:32This beauty's retired now, but I've given it a place of honour in the Royal Hall
24:37Every day it gets fed a ration of its own food
24:40Gonna keep your strength up, haven't we?
24:42Huh?
24:43What's that?
24:44He likes chops
24:46Such a great sense of humour
24:49So, that was some of history's most pitiful princes and princesses
24:54And many of them never even got to be king or queen
24:57Especially the girls
24:59Until 2013, it was the oldest boy who took the throne
25:03Even if he had older sisters
25:05Imagine
25:07The most important thing you've got to do if you want to be in charge
25:10Is to stay alive
25:12And that wasn't so easy in the old days
25:14Just ask the Black Prince Edward, Prince Arthur Tudor and Frederick Prince of Wales
25:19When I was a young prince
25:27My father took me into the palace
25:31To say I'd rule the land
25:35He said
25:36Son, when you grow up
25:39You'll be king
25:40The great king Arthur Tudor
25:43Your life's already planned
25:46But I dropped dead
25:49At fifteen
25:50They gave my crown and queen
25:53To my brother
25:55Who later divorced her
25:58And they left me
26:01A side note
26:02A phantom
26:04In the sad parade
26:06Of great kings that never were
26:11Poor Edward died of dysentery
26:16Poor Edward died of dysentery
26:18We call him the Black Prince
26:20No throne for him, that stylish warrior
26:26When Frederick got awful sick
26:28His dad George was relieved
26:30Cause as an heir
26:32Fred was below par
26:34He can't rule on
26:36We can't rule on
26:39So let's hear it for the roll call
26:44Of kings you never knew at all
26:47We can't rule on
26:50But don't forget the kings you never had
26:54Cause we all died before our dead
26:57Disappointing Fred drew his last breath
27:00Oh
27:02Ed looked cool but put himself to death
27:05Oh
27:07And there's also me
27:08And don't forget
27:10Alfonso
27:12Alfonso?
27:14Yeah!
27:15Alfonso!
27:16Dad was Edward I
27:17I was gonna be king of England
27:18But I died in 1234
27:20Come on
27:21We could've ruled
27:23But we won't come so
27:24We could've had
27:25A king Alfonso
27:27There's no king Fred
27:28To be anointing
27:29Because he's dead
27:31Dead disappointing
27:32They're never kings
27:33There's that procession
27:35It really stings
27:36With no succession
27:38We died too young
27:39That much is clear
27:40So I get a diary
27:44A real
27:49Er
27:50Can we all stop going on
27:51About how I pooed myself to death?
27:52There's nothing wrong
27:53With pooing yourself to death
27:54People did it all the time
27:55Shut up Alfonso
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