- 11 hours ago
First broadcast 20th November 1980.
Terry is acting as chauffeur for old flame Rose Mellors, a local gangster's wife.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Ann Lynn - Rose
Tony Selby - Jack
George Layton - Des
Glynn Edwards - Dave
John Ringham - Harrison
Sam Kydd - Sid
Celia Foxe - Miss Cawley
Howard Attfield - Driver
Leo Dolan - Yoyo Pickles
Charles Cork - 1st Player
John Mulcahy - 2nd Player
Zia Mohyeddin - Tajvir
John Cannon - Snooker Player
Noel Flannigan - Winchester Club Patron
Alan Harris - Detective
Pam Rose - Barmaid
Reg Turner - Police Officer
Albert Welch - Man in Street
Terry is acting as chauffeur for old flame Rose Mellors, a local gangster's wife.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Ann Lynn - Rose
Tony Selby - Jack
George Layton - Des
Glynn Edwards - Dave
John Ringham - Harrison
Sam Kydd - Sid
Celia Foxe - Miss Cawley
Howard Attfield - Driver
Leo Dolan - Yoyo Pickles
Charles Cork - 1st Player
John Mulcahy - 2nd Player
Zia Mohyeddin - Tajvir
John Cannon - Snooker Player
Noel Flannigan - Winchester Club Patron
Alan Harris - Detective
Pam Rose - Barmaid
Reg Turner - Police Officer
Albert Welch - Man in Street
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hey, Dave, you'll like this one. Listen, a bloke goes into a pub with a chimpanzee.
00:09Where's the chimp over 18?
00:11I don't know. It doesn't matter.
00:14It may not matter to you, Arthur, but I'm going to lose my license serving chimps under 18.
00:21I'm sorry, Arthur. Go on.
00:24Well, the fella says, the one with the chimp, he says to the barman,
00:27pint of the best and half for my friend here, the monkey.
00:32Go on. So the barman takes one look.
00:34I mean, he has to lean right over the counter because chimps are not all that big.
00:37I mean, this one's about...
00:39Who's the size all that important, Arthur?
00:42I am trying to set the scene for you, Dave.
00:45Anyway, the barman says, where did you find it? The chimp.
00:50And the fella says, I found it wandering round the garden and I don't know what to do with it.
00:55So the barman says, why don't you take it to the zoo?
01:00And the bloke says, I took it to the zoo this morning.
01:04This afternoon, I am taking it to the pictures.
01:07Nice one, Arthur.
01:10Could have said you'd heard it.
01:11Well, I hadn't. I just guessed.
01:14Guess a lager, Dave.
01:16What? Look at that dog.
01:18This is a club gentleman, not a pet shop.
01:21I thought you were supposed to be exercising that beast, not dragging it in and out of boozers.
01:25I'm the one who's being exercised, Arthur.
01:27Tell you what, Fido here could drink this place dry and still be panting for a topper.
01:31This is the worst number you've ever dreamed up.
01:34You can't be choosy these days, Terry. There's a recession on.
01:38Oh, you don't see that, can't I?
01:40Look, what you see here is a result of hard work. Sweat on my brow.
01:43My brow, you mean.
01:46God.
01:47Are you paying cash, Arthur?
01:50Wonders will never cease.
01:52How are you going up on Saturday?
01:54What you doing?
01:55Just looking at a queen, blinking at the light.
01:58Some trouble with television. Everyone thinks they're Jasper Carrot.
02:02Over here, Terry. As a matter of fact, I do want to discuss business with you.
02:06No dogs.
02:07No, no dogs. Come here.
02:10I want to do some business, not talk about it.
02:14These past few weeks have hardly been a relentless grind, have they?
02:18The tide has turned, my lad. The wind has changed.
02:21The downturn has bottomed out, as I say in the FT.
02:24A lot of words, Arthur.
02:26How would you fancy yourself behind the wheel of a Mercedes 450 SEL?
02:31Who's had a puncture?
02:32No, no, no, no. Not mending it. Driving it.
02:35Oh, yeah?
02:36Straight up.
02:37So, Mr Lilly, he wants someone to drive him round for a couple of weeks,
02:40keep an eye on his motor, you know, make sure nobody nicks his upcaps,
02:43that sort of thing.
02:44His secretary phoned. His regular driver's on holiday.
02:47Well, I must say, I thought you'd be a bit more impressed than that, Terence.
02:50It's not often you get a cushy number like that.
02:52No, I'm waiting for the catch.
02:54There's no catch.
02:55That'll be the day.
02:56All right, all right. I'll get someone else.
02:58No, no, no. Hold on, hold on.
03:00I mean, think of it, Terry. Two weeks living like the quality.
03:05Air conditioning, electric windows, in-car entertainment, retractable aerial.
03:11Well, who could resist a retractable aerial?
03:13Good boy.
03:14Now, I hate to seem vulgar, but, er, is there any money involved?
03:19Is there any money involved?
03:21Is there any money involved?
03:22250 per week.
03:24Cash.
03:25All yours.
03:26Net.
03:27No deductions.
03:28No VAT.
03:29No tax.
03:30No kidding?
03:31No kosher.
03:32That's the address.
03:33Somewhere in Pearlie.
03:34Oh, we don't want to keep manging around, do we?
03:37Jumbo, he wants a quickie.
03:39Here you go.
03:40What?
03:41Then you can take him home afterwards, can't you?
03:43Terry.
03:44He likes a pint.
03:46Draft.
03:47Thank you very much.
03:50It's odd.
03:51All right, Nick.
03:52Well, I'll take a shot.
03:53Ericsson.
03:54Oh, you quote.
03:55A second?
03:57It's total.
03:58Oh.
03:59I'll just take a shot.
04:03You're supposed to catch that instantly.
04:04All right, Nick.
04:05I'm not going through it.
04:07Oh, you're supposed to be on the boat.
04:09That's it.
04:10I'll take a shot away.
04:11Look, » väldigt'd do whatever I want.
04:12You want our experiments live?
04:13That's a full episode.
04:14You're supposed to go back, we'll have to go out.
04:15Go out.
04:16Yes?
04:19I understand you needed...
04:21Rose. Rose Mallers.
04:23Good Lord. Terry here.
04:26McCann.
04:27Are you gonna say it or shall I?
04:29Say what?
04:30It's a small world.
04:32No, you say it.
04:33Well, come on in, Terry.
04:41There's been a lot of soap passed under the old wedding ring since we last met, eh?
04:45I don't know. I'm not married.
04:47Vigorous speech, love.
04:48Oh.
04:52Well, listen, don't you.
04:55So, how's Charlie?
04:57Still eating his cauliflower cheese every Tuesday.
05:00Charlie's got a new lawyer.
05:02He reckons with a bit of luck he should be out in five more years.
05:05Five years, eh?
05:06Well...
05:08Listen, did he ever find out about...
05:10Well, you know.
05:11Terry, I'm not one to kiss and tell.
05:15No, no, I mean the buried money.
05:17Oh.
05:18Oh, yeah, I told him about that.
05:19He was very understanding.
05:21Charlie Mallers? Understanding?
05:23Gotta be kidding.
05:24The Dillinger of Dagenham, he's about as understanding as a piranha with bellyache.
05:28Terry.
05:30I have a confession to make.
05:32There's a church down the road.
05:34There isn't anyone called Mr. Lily.
05:37Go on.
05:38You'll be telling me next there's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy.
05:41It was me you rang.
05:43You little tinker.
05:44I thought, well, we got on very well last time, didn't we?
05:48And I always like to have people I get on with working for me.
05:51Well, yeah, we did get on pretty well, didn't we?
05:53Mr. Lily.
05:54Get it?
05:55Get what?
05:56Well, I've still got that flower shop in there.
05:59Oh, see, Lily.
06:00Yeah, nice one.
06:01How's it going, the old shop?
06:03Oh, it still needs someone to run it properly.
06:05A top-flight man with his wits about him.
06:08Yeah?
06:09Well, don't we all, really?
06:11Hold on, Rose.
06:13One thing at a time, eh?
06:15Now, you've got thousands of pounds worth of motor sitting out there.
06:18Now, I was told you need someone to drive it who could also keep an eye on it.
06:21That's right, love.
06:22Yeah, that's right.
06:23It's me.
06:24So, from now on, you just tell me where you want to go and I'll drive you there.
06:27Ah, you don't meet many fellows like you these days, Terry.
06:30Don't you?
06:31Men with a sense of purpose.
06:33Drive.
06:34No messing about.
06:35Men and get on with it.
06:37Well, let's get on with it, eh?
06:39The keys.
06:44The keys, madam.
06:51The old flower game must be coining it in.
07:01See what you get when you work hard and save your pennies.
07:06Does Charlie know you're living the life of Riley?
07:08Um, not exactly, no.
07:11When Miss Wright comes along for you, love,
07:14you'll find out their best marriage is always have a couple of secrets
07:17between husband and wife.
07:21Pinball, Pinball, Pinball, Pinball & Sp justice
07:30Villa?
07:31That's right.
07:37Won't be long.
07:45Bunchie.
07:46See.
07:48Hey, this your car?
07:51No, it's not mine. I'll just drive it for someone.
07:54Well, it's power steering.
07:55Yeah, they're very powerful, aren't they?
07:56Automatic, all the posture.
07:58Is that a radio?
08:00Yep.
08:01Let's hear it.
08:03What would you want?
08:05What, you need a new aerial, mate.
08:09Oi!
08:10Oi, you little bleeders!
08:13Oh, that's lovely.
08:16Oh, James.
08:26Turn the radio on. Let's have some music.
08:30Aye.
08:36I say, my man, when you've done that, have a go at mine, will you?
08:40It's all right. I was only joking.
08:45I'm glad you told me that.
08:48So, what's Mr. Lily's nice little game, then?
08:50Oh, it's terrific.
08:51Yeah?
08:52Dresses up in women's clothes.
08:54What?
08:55Handbags, eye heels, the lot.
08:57Yeah.
08:58Then I take him to a few shady-looking little places,
09:00then I drop him back here and he gives me a nice kiss.
09:03He does what?
09:04Gives me a nice kiss.
09:06Oh, my God, Rose Mellors.
09:09Oh.
09:10Meet Mr. Lily.
09:11Hello, Rose.
09:12You remember my name?
09:14I'm flattered.
09:15Hello, Albert.
09:16That's Arthur, actually.
09:18Of course, Arthur.
09:20Still the old boulevardier, I see.
09:22Well, you've got to make ends meet, haven't you?
09:24Looks like you've found some more buried treasure, Rose.
09:26Yeah, that's right.
09:28Well, come on, Terry.
09:30Nice of you to drop by, Arthur.
09:32Well, actually, I came down to see if I could have a little something on account.
09:35Oh, yeah, of course.
09:36How much do you want?
09:38Well, Terry's been at it, what, three days?
09:40A century should see you through.
09:42Right.
09:44Well, two, two or three hundred, you know.
09:46There we go.
09:47Sure.
09:49All right, Terry, love.
09:51Give it the gun.
09:58There's a catch.
10:05There's got to be a catch.
10:13Stop over there a minute, will you?
10:15Want to get a paper?
10:16See how my shares are doing.
10:28Hey!
10:41Hey!
10:51Hey!
10:52Hey!
10:53Hey!
10:55Hey!
10:56Hey!
10:57Hey!
10:58Hey!
10:59Well done, Mike!
11:17Yes, they are.
11:18Ah!
11:19Where is my car?
11:20I don't believe this!
11:21No, I was theúleittle, car!
11:22I saw a bird there.
11:23You saw?
11:24You saw what?
11:25There was a bird, her handbag was snatched, and I went to help.
11:28And you left the car? You just left it here?
11:29No, I was only gone in less than a minute.
11:31I mean, somebody nicked the car in less than a minute.
11:33Blame in the stars.
11:34I'll go and phone the old boy. They'll sort it out.
11:35No, no. Don't do that.
11:38Well, we've got to do something.
11:39No, come on, Terry. I need a drink.
11:47Here we go. Cheers.
11:51Haven't you ever wondered what my job is?
11:54No, I'm not paid to think.
11:57Well, I'll tell you anyway.
11:59I am paid a fat commission by some bloke to pick up and deliver things.
12:05What kind of things?
12:08Well,
12:10diamond kind of things.
12:12Diamonds?
12:13I pick them up in one shape and deliver them in another.
12:17Do you mean all those places we've been to?
12:20Diamond cutters.
12:22Well, it's hardly Attengarden, is it?
12:23They're hardly those kind of diamonds, are they?
12:27Do you mean they're hot?
12:28Strange.
12:31Warmish, sir.
12:33I've been carrying hot diamonds all over London.
12:36Sorry, love.
12:37Oh, sorry.
12:41But I still don't know why you can't report it.
12:44Because in the car, there's 100,000 quid's worth of uncut diamonds.
12:48That's why.
12:49I only picked them up last week.
12:51See, once a month, I get a consignment.
12:54I put them in a place I had made special.
12:56And I take them out a few at a time and deliver them two or three times a week to these cutters.
13:01Then when they're ready, I collect them up again, put them back in the place and deliver them to Mr Tajvi.
13:06Who?
13:08The boss.
13:10Oh, worked like a dream till five minutes ago.
13:13God knows what he's going to say about dropping 100 grand.
13:16Never heard anyone call him a good loser.
13:17Now, hold on.
13:20Look, you might be lucky, right?
13:22Whoever nicked the car wouldn't even be looking for diamonds, right?
13:25All they'd do is go for a joyride, nick the radio, and that'd be it.
13:29If we are lucky, love.
13:32Yeah.
13:33Yeah, that's right.
13:34That's what I meant.
13:35We.
13:36Now, if you pinch a murk, it's because you know someone in Timbuktu who's going to buy it.
13:40It's gone for good.
13:42Oh, you've found out somehow it's carrying a fortune.
13:45For a joyride, you take a mini.
13:48I still think we ought to report it.
13:52All right.
13:53Go on.
14:14Hey, you.
14:15Get in.
14:15I beg your pardon?
14:17Get in.
14:18No, my mum said never accept lifts off for strangers.
14:21Mr. Tejvir wants to see you.
14:23Who?
14:24Best do what he says, Terry.
14:26Best do what I say, Terry.
14:28Now, hold on a minute.
14:29No, no.
14:31Best do what a man says.
14:32Yeah?
14:33I come to see you, Mr. Tejvir.
14:36I come to see you, Mr. Tejvir.
14:40Ah, my dear Mrs. Manners.
14:54Gentlemen, please, do sit down.
14:56Some jasmine tea for our guests, Miss Colley.
14:59How do you take your tea, Mr. Daly?
15:01Oh, just as it comes in, no sugar.
15:04Ah, a man of taste.
15:06So many of your countrymen simply ruin a good Indian tea by throwing in absolutely pounds of sugar in it.
15:13You, sir, have a discerning palate, I can tell.
15:16Yeah, well, I like the nice cup of tea.
15:20I'll have four lumps.
15:21You don't take sugar.
15:23No, five lumps.
15:24Quite right, quite right.
15:26Independence.
15:26Ah, that's what I admire in a fellow.
15:29A chap who doesn't run with the pack.
15:31Makes up his own mind.
15:33Absolutely splendid.
15:35Nice.
15:36Oh, we have a lovely cup of, uh, Mr. Tejvir.
15:39Oh, uh, Tejvir, as in Devir.
15:42Oh, the secret is quite simple.
15:44You see, you warm the pot and always take it to the kettle.
15:47Never the kettle to the pot.
15:49Oh, I must remember that.
15:51All right, we've had elevensies.
15:52What are we here for?
15:53Oh, I am sorry.
15:54I do apologize.
15:55You're a very busy gentleman.
15:57So, I won't beat the bush.
15:58I'll come straight to the point.
16:00I invited you here to see if we can find a way to solve the matter of these wretched diamonds.
16:06Any sign of the car yet?
16:08No.
16:10Well, it's only been two hours, hasn't it, or something.
16:12Oh, I'm sure.
16:13I'm sure the British police is most efficient and polite, too.
16:17They don't bash you about for bloody nothing, not like Bombay.
16:21However, it is my feeling, gentlemen, that even if the car is returned,
16:24that the diamonds may not be returned with it.
16:26It seems to me, Mr. Tash,
16:29this is a matter between you and Mrs. Mowers and my associate here, Mr. McCann.
16:34I really don't feel I can be of any help,
16:36so I'll just say thank you for the tea and slide off.
16:38No, no, no, don't bother to see me out.
16:39I'll find my own way.
16:40I won't detain you very much longer, I promise.
16:44Please.
16:46You see, it is my belief that the thief took the car because he knew what was in it.
16:51No, never.
16:52It was your average car thief.
16:54Oh, hopefully so.
16:55Hopefully so.
16:55But, you see, there's one tiny detail about this morning's regrettable affair
17:00which keeps nagging away in my mind.
17:03What's that?
17:04How did he steal the car so damn quickly?
17:06Yeah, I've been wondering about that.
17:08Oh, I'm sure you have, my dear old chap.
17:10I mean, one moment it's there, the next it's gone like greasy bloody lightning.
17:14Yeah, what are some very clever villains about these days?
17:17Oh, quite so, quite so.
17:19Damn me if you haven't hit the hammer on the nail.
17:21Well, it is my conviction that this was an inside job.
17:25What exactly are you suggesting, mister?
17:28It is my total and utter conviction that the man who had access to the actual keys of the car
17:33simply got in, switched on the engine and drove it off.
17:37Access?
17:38Well, it's Rose and Mrs. Mellers and me, I suppose.
17:42And Mr. Daly.
17:43Oh, I've never seen the keys of her car.
17:45No, I'm sure you haven't, my dear fellow.
17:47But, you see, you provided Mr. McCann here who did.
17:50Do you see what I mean?
17:51Are you suggesting that my associate stole your diamonds in your car?
17:54No.
17:56Well, that's all right, then.
17:57Otherwise, I'd have to hand it over to my solicitors.
17:59I am not accusing him alone.
18:01I'm accusing him and you together.
18:02Collusion, do you see?
18:04Pulling a ringer, working a fast one, putting in the fix.
18:07Hold on, hold on.
18:09Listen, I don't want to sound ungallant or anything,
18:11but you seem to keep forgetting that Mrs. Mellers had access to those keys.
18:14I mean, it was her bleeding car to start with.
18:16Oh, quite right, quite right.
18:17Quite absolutely correct.
18:18However, you're forgetting that Mrs. Mellers here has been doing a, oh, perfectly marvellous job for me for over a year.
18:25And not as much as a parking ticket.
18:28Now, you two gentlemen appear on the scene,
18:30and within three days, I have mislaid £100,000 worth of uncut diamonds.
18:35Something tells me there is a rat in the ointment somewhere.
18:39Listen, Gangard Thin, we haven't got your rotten diamonds.
18:41Oh, I do so hope my suspicions are unfounded.
18:44I wish it from the bottom of my heart.
18:46Yeah, but how do we prove we are not your tea leaves?
18:49Tea leaves?
18:50Thieves.
18:51How can we prove we haven't got your stuff?
18:53Oh, oh, I see.
18:54Quite, quite, quite simple.
18:56You return the car here within 24 hours,
18:59complete with diamonds.
19:00Oh, he's potty.
19:04Oh, potty, tea leaves.
19:07Ah, yes, yes.
19:08You are witty, gentlemen, making puns like that.
19:11Really, it's a great gift.
19:13No, seriously, I mean it.
19:15The car here, complete with the diamonds,
19:17by, er, noon tomorrow.
19:20Or?
19:20Or my man out here, with his associates,
19:23will have the authority to break you into
19:25little pieces, as they say.
19:28But let us not look on the dark side, gentlemen.
19:31Let us all meet here tomorrow,
19:33complete with the car and the diamonds,
19:35and we shall all have a splendid cup of that jasmine tea.
19:43Terri.
19:44Oh, careful.
19:45Sorry, Terry.
19:47Hello, Arthur.
19:48Yes.
19:49What's up?
19:49Er, Mrs Mellors has had her murk ripped off.
19:53Oh, dear.
19:54Insured, was it?
19:56Well, no, that's not really the point, Des.
19:57You see, it's the principle of the thing.
19:59Terry, I swear on Queen's Park Rangers,
20:01I had nothing to do with it.
20:03Look, somebody whips a 450 SEL in 30 seconds flat.
20:06Now, if you haven't got a key, how do you do that?
20:09You don't.
20:09The record for a murk is something like 5 minutes 20 seconds.
20:13You keep records?
20:15Well, they have a contest each year.
20:16You know, a kind of car thieves Olympics.
20:19It's just for fun, you know.
20:20So someone must have had a key?
20:22Yeah.
20:23Who?
20:24The keys were never out of my hands.
20:26Never.
20:27Erm, pardon me for asking this, but, erm, this car, was it, er, well, I mean, is, er, did you get it kosher?
20:35Course.
20:36Why?
20:36Well, there's this bloke they call Yo-Yo Pickles in the trade.
20:39Seems he once pinched a roller for someone who welshed on the price.
20:42And ever since then, every time he nicks a motor for a special customer, he tapes a spare set of keys behind the rear light.
20:49Then if the punter doesn't pay up the agreed price, well, erm, Yo-Yo waits a bit, goes round and steals the car back again, using the spare set of keys behind the light.
20:58I bought it brand new from the showroom.
21:00Ah.
21:01Well, I wish I could be more helpful.
21:04Have you tried the law?
21:05Don't be disgusting, Des.
21:07I mean, it comes to something when you go ask the police to help, innit?
21:10I don't think there's any option.
21:12No?
21:12All right, I'll go.
21:16I'll talk their language.
21:17Hmm?
21:20Listen, I know a couple of fellows in the motor business.
21:23Maybe they've heard something.
21:24You've got a phone I can use.
21:26Oh, yes, yes.
21:27Help yourself.
21:32Who's she, then?
21:33Rose Mellers.
21:34Her old man Charlie's doing 15 years.
21:37Oh, you know some funny people, Terry.
21:39Hello, Sid.
21:39Listen, compared with the mob we're dealing with at the moment, he's hilarious.
21:42I'm fine.
21:43Well, what's her motor to you, then?
21:45No, that's what's in it.
21:46I've got a problem.
21:47What is it?
21:48There hasn't it, my motor?
21:49A big pile of diamonds.
21:51Oh, you're joking.
21:52Oh, yeah, that'd be or is me, innit?
21:54If we don't find them, there's a little Indian case who's going to turn Arthur and me into a crowd.
22:00We may have had some luck.
22:01Come on.
22:03What, Tajveer falling off his elephant?
22:05It's the duty of the police to do what?
22:13To find it.
22:14I pay my taxes.
22:16Oh, ho, ho, ho.
22:17And my rates.
22:18And it says on the rates bill that a certain amount of that goes towards supporting your lot.
22:22Someone's nicked your car, and you want us to drop everything and look for it?
22:26Well, keep a token force direct in the traffic.
22:28Oh, no, and don't stop the SPG from apprehending people using the bus lanes at Hammersmith.
22:44Sid?
22:48Hello, Rosie, lad.
22:49Hello, Sid.
22:50How's Charlie?
22:51Oh, he's fine, Sid, fine.
22:53I was going to pay my visit one of these days.
22:55Yeah.
22:55Uh, look, Sid, we're looking for my car.
22:59Terrible business.
23:00You've got to nail everything down these days.
23:02You know what?
23:03They ought to bring back National Service.
23:04That's what stopped some of these light-figured gents.
23:06Hold on, we're in a bit of a hurry.
23:07We thought you might know something.
23:08Oh, yes.
23:09Well, Fred Priest over in Camberwell, he says some funny fellow was trying to flog him a murder this afternoon.
23:14Colour?
23:14Number?
23:15Didn't say.
23:16You'll have to go and see him.
23:17You need grease in.
23:18Graspin' old bleeder.
23:20Thanks, Sid.
23:20Thanks a lot.
23:21Anytime, love.
23:22Hey, hold on, hold on.
23:23Look, we've been at it five hours already, right?
23:25And all we've done is schlep from one flash hurry to another.
23:28Have you got any better ideas?
23:30Well.
23:31I'm doing my best, Terran.
23:33I mean, it's not me there after.
23:34I could go home, put me feet up, have a drink, watch Crossroads.
23:39Yeah.
23:39Camberwell, and don't hang about, eh?
23:46Right.
23:47I've dealt with banketry, burglary, and bank mobbery.
24:11We can now get down to the really important business of your car.
24:15What make is it?
24:18Oh, um, it's, uh, uh, you know, uh...
24:23Oh, I know.
24:24A man of your means can't really be expected to remember trivial details like what kind of car he's got.
24:29It's not exactly mine.
24:32It sounds as though you nicked it, Arthur.
24:34That is slander, Charlie.
24:36I've a good mind to insist on my lawyer being present.
24:38Arthur, we didn't bring you in.
24:40You came to us.
24:41Well, it's, um, it's a Merc.
24:43450SEL, registration number, EUU47V.
24:48What?
24:48It belongs to a friend.
24:58Hiya, blads.
24:59Hi.
25:00Hi, darling.
25:02Hey, dear, dear.
25:11Hello, love.
25:12Can I talk to your cue, then?
25:15You're a funny fellow, you know that?
25:17I'll belay you next week.
25:19This your cue, then?
25:21That's right.
25:22Bet you're a dab hand with it.
25:24Try me.
25:25Ah!
25:26Any more comedians while we're at it?
25:28Rose!
25:28Rose!
25:30Sorry.
25:30I'm sorry about that, fellas.
25:31We're just looking for someone.
25:32Who's your one?
25:33A geezer called Yo-Yo Pickles.
25:35Yo-Yo Pickles?
25:36I think he's in a place.
25:37Oh, that's right.
25:37Yo-Yo.
25:38Here he is.
25:38Yo-Yo.
25:39What's that with him?
25:41He's practising for the next Olympics.
25:43Listen, can we have a word somewhere?
25:45Yeah, sure.
25:46Cheers.
25:47What's this all about, Des?
25:49Terry, I'll tell you.
25:50Look, Mrs Mellor's here.
25:52Mellor's?
25:53Exactly.
25:54She's had her Mercedes knit.
25:55Des said that you might have some thoughts on the subject.
25:58Nah.
25:58I only do rollers these days.
26:00You know about the Mercs Radio-Yo?
26:02Yeah, well, a big with the frogs.
26:04Maybe you should keep your eye on Bognor.
26:06That's where they're shipped from.
26:07Bognor?
26:08We haven't got much time.
26:09How do you mean?
26:10If we don't find it by tonight, some of that.
26:13Yeah, all right.
26:16I'll ring round.
26:17Cheers.
26:19And to your game.
26:21Days?
26:22Your car, Arthur, is probably halfway to Kuwait by now.
26:26All right.
26:27I'll put the word about.
26:28Oh, thanks, Charlie.
26:30It's very civil of you.
26:32Oh, yeah.
26:32Hang about.
26:33Better give me the name of the owner.
26:35The owner?
26:37Too shy to come himself, is he?
26:40Yeah, well, um...
26:42Is it really necessary?
26:46Mellors.
26:47First name?
26:48Rose.
26:49What?
26:50Rose Mellors.
26:54Rose Mellors.
26:56Charlie Mellors' missus.
26:57Eh?
26:58The Dillinger of Dagenham.
27:00The Dillinger?
27:01Huh?
27:02No, no, I don't think so.
27:05Cheers, anyway.
27:10Dad, no one's heard anything about a Merc today.
27:14Yeah, well, thanks a lot, mate.
27:15Ta-ra, Des.
27:15Yeah, see you, Terry.
27:16Bye.
27:17Take care of yourself.
27:18Ta-ra.
27:21What's the big deal, anyway?
27:23You can see, Nick, I'm another one.
27:25No, not like that one.
27:26Come on, let's have a game.
27:28Yeah, all right.
27:28Rose.
27:38What's your mind?
27:38I don't know the one with three left feet.
27:40Hello, Jack.
27:42How's it going, Tarzan?
27:43Rose?
27:44Rose, where you been?
27:45I've got to talk to you.
27:47I've been waiting all afternoon.
27:50Rose?
27:52Go in and make yourself a drink, will you, love?
27:54I've got a bit of business with Jack.
27:56Come on, Jack.
28:03What happened, Jack?
28:04For crying out loud, what happened?
28:06What went wrong?
28:07Well, I got the hang of the motor, didn't I?
28:09I mean, automatic.
28:10You only had to bother with the brake and the other thing of, what's it called?
28:13The accelerator.
28:14Keep your voice down, but just tell me what happened.
28:17Oh, well.
28:21Well, I nicked the motor all right, didn't I?
28:23I mean, he didn't see me, did he?
28:25Yeah, Jack, you did very well.
28:27Then what?
28:27Well, I was going great.
28:29Turning this way, turning that.
28:31I remembered all my air signals.
28:33Air signals?
28:34Well, I was going terrific.
28:35Then all of a sudden, there was this lamppost.
28:41Lamppost?
28:42Well, this dog ran out.
28:43Oh, Jack.
28:46Look, just tell me where the car is right now, at this moment.
28:51Serbiton.
28:52Shunted up a bleeding lamppost?
28:54Well, yeah.
28:57Right.
28:58You get a breakdown truck and you take it the rest of the way.
29:02And Jack.
29:02What's that, Rose?
29:04Don't go banging into any more lampposts.
29:06Oh, no danger.
29:07I won't do that again.
29:09I gave me knee a right bang.
29:10Can you find it all right?
29:11No problem.
29:12It's just across the street from the...
29:15From the, uh...
29:18From what, Jack?
29:32Police station.
29:36Rose?
29:38What's wrong with Jolly Jack's leg?
29:39Oh, he's got a touch of arthritis, poor fella.
29:42Oh, you haven't got your drink?
29:43No, I'll just come out to tell you.
29:44I'm going to look for Arthur, see if the old bill are doing their stuff.
29:47Oh, no need.
29:48He'll ring you if he's got anything to tell you.
29:50Rose, it's not your neck they're going to squeeze, is it?
29:52It's mine and Arthur's.
29:54Oh, go on.
29:55Squeeze mine.
29:57You've got lovely hands, you know.
29:59Well, you're all right, Rose, but your timing is rotten.
30:02No, it's not.
30:03Yes, it is.
30:04No, it's not.
30:05It is.
30:07It isn't.
30:08I'm going to have a nice, relaxing bath.
30:18Rose!
30:20One of my little luxuries is to drink champagne in a steaming-up bath
30:25after my ears embodied us.
30:28Sort of bubbles inside and out, you might say.
30:33Look, I've got till noon tomorrow before I start feeling the pain.
30:37There's a bottle in the fridge.
30:39Be a day and bring you up a glass, would you?
30:41Will you listen?
30:42Bath things upstairs.
30:45First on the right.
30:46Do you have a cup of glass?
30:48I have a cup of beien-up bath?
30:49Yes, this is a bowl.
30:51Yes, this is a glass of wine.
30:51I have a cup of tea.
30:52Thanks.
30:53I do not have a cup, but I haven't guaranteed you.
30:58It also has a cup of tea.
31:03liquid bath is so good.
31:04And then I'm to make make sure you're notExcuse me,
31:07and you don't have like,
31:07when the kitchen is already a Haut-Carrie.
31:09Terry!
31:39Come on in darling, oh it's lovely.
31:57Yeah, that's all right, go on.
32:08How's that?
32:13Got it.
32:14Anything else?
32:15I have a pound of filberts, what are they?
32:21Same to you dear.
32:23Oh, should be home by eight o'clock.
32:26Nothing much going on here.
32:29Yeah, bye-bye sweetheart.
32:33The wife.
32:34She doesn't like to eat later than eight o'clock.
32:37Yeah, look Charlie, can't you do something?
32:39Of course.
32:40Oh ring round, see if anyone's seen the car.
32:42Arthur, have you any idea how many police stations there are in London?
32:46You're not like the way you're shown on the telly, I tell you that.
32:48There, it's one phone call after another, grab your hat and off.
32:51Diving in and out of cars, bells ringing in all directions, book him down, oh murder one.
32:55Here?
32:56It's like the rest time at the old folks home.
32:59Sit down, Arthur.
33:01What's Rosie Mellor's got on you?
33:11Nothing.
33:12Why?
33:13Because in all my years I've never known you so much as help an old lady across the street
33:17unless you were paid for it.
33:19How dare you?
33:21And here you are having a hernia about whether Charlie Mellor's missus gets her motor back.
33:26No, Arthur.
33:27It rings false.
33:29Charlie.
33:30Nice, nice talk.
33:33Mrs. Mellor's is a friend.
33:35What are friends for if not to help one another?
33:37No, not in here, Arthur.
33:39In Mrs. Mellor's world, friends are for grassing on.
33:44Take my tip.
33:46Find some better company.
33:47May I use your telephone, please?
33:49Phone my associate.
33:51Would that be Tony McCann?
33:53It would.
33:54He's helping you look for it too, is he?
33:57He is exploring every avenue.
34:04Bit like Lady Chadley's love with it, isn't it?
34:07I don't know.
34:08I never saw it.
34:09It's a book.
34:10It's about this lady and her gamekeeper.
34:13Only you're the chauffeur.
34:15Yeah, it all happens in the suburbs, doesn't it?
34:18I just think I never believed all them Sunday papers.
34:21Mm-hmm.
34:22Mm-hmm.
34:23Mm-hmm.
34:24Mm-hmm.
34:25Mm-hmm.
34:26Hold on, hold on, hold on.
34:28What am I doing here?
34:30You don't know by now, love.
34:32I should be out looking for your motor.
34:34Oh, don't worry.
34:35I'll put in a good word for you with Mr Tajveer.
34:38Heh.
34:39I should imagine that good words don't butter too many lamb curries with your Mr Tajveer.
34:47No, I'm sorry, love.
34:48Excuse me.
34:49Where are you going?
34:50I wanna find Arthur, see what's happening.
34:52Oh, don't go.
34:53We haven't finished the bottle yet.
34:55Well, you finish it, eh?
34:57Then you can have a kit.
34:58That old afternoon.
35:01That old afternoon.
35:31That was quick.
35:32Yeah, well, I decided to phone in meself.
35:33What'd he say?
35:34Well, the old Bill seemed to think your car's on its way to the continent.
35:51Oh, no.
35:52Yeah, so Arthur's gone to Bognor.
35:54Fancy.
35:55Your phone was off the hook.
35:57Of course.
35:58I don't take calls when I'm busy.
36:04So you're not going after all?
36:06No.
36:07Can't see any point both me and Arthur being down there.
36:10Cheers.
36:24Cheers.
36:25Cheers.
36:26Cheers.
36:27Cheers.
36:28Cheers.
36:29I've got a bit of a problem.
36:54You giving any more thought about running my flower shop?
37:04Yeah, I'll have as it happens, yeah.
37:06What do you reckon?
37:07Well, if you still want me to do it, fine.
37:11I reckon we'd make a really good partnership, you and me.
37:15Marks and Spencers, Laurel and Hardy, and now Mellers and McCain.
37:21McCain and Mellers.
37:24Rose, you're all up.
37:26I'll bet that's Arthur from Bognor.
37:30Shall I get it?
37:32Hello?
37:33Is that you, Terry?
37:34Yes, Arthur.
37:35It's me, yeah.
37:36They found a car.
37:38The coppers.
37:39It was in Serbican.
37:40Oh, dear.
37:41What do you mean, oh, dear?
37:42Well, just keep looking, Arthur.
37:43That's all.
37:44You can find a car.
37:45The coppers.
37:46It was in Serbican.
37:47Oh, dear.
37:48What do you mean, oh, dear?
37:49Well, just keep looking, Arthur.
37:50That's all you can do, really, isn't it?
37:52Terry, are you listening to me?
37:53I see.
37:54Yeah, you did make good time to Bognor, didn't you?
37:56Bognor?
37:57What's Bognor got to do with it?
37:59Exactly, mate.
38:00Well, keep on trucking, eh?
38:01Keep on what?
38:02Tara.
38:03Terry.
38:04Terry.
38:06How well do you know this Arthur bloke?
38:09Oh, not very well, no.
38:11Trust him, can you?
38:13About as far as I can throw him.
38:15I reckon he's behind it all, you know.
38:17Oh, for that now.
38:19Yeah.
38:20I reckon he found out Mr Tajveer's racket and stepped in.
38:24Really?
38:29Well, thanks very much.
38:30You chaps have done a grand job.
38:31I'll take over now.
38:32Get the motor back to his owner.
38:33Why not?
38:34I don't have much time.
38:35Just as soon as we've turned it over.
38:37Turned it over?
38:39Searched it.
38:40What do you want to search it for?
38:42Just routine, Arthur.
38:43Hey.
38:44What's he doing here?
38:45He's the joker that nicked it.
38:46Know him, do you?
38:47Don't you work for Rose Mellors?
38:48Rose Mellors?
38:49Who's she?
38:50Never heard of her.
38:51I remember you.
38:52When we was looking for that buried money.
38:53You was on her side.
38:54Not me, mate.
38:55Here.
38:56What are you doing to Mrs Mellors' motor?
38:57Just giving her a service.
38:58Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
38:59What are you doing to Mrs Mellors' motor?
39:00Just giving her a service.
39:01This is vandalism.
39:02Hello?
39:03Terry.
39:04Terry.
39:05Yes, Arthur, yeah.
39:06You're not going to believe this.
39:07They're stripping the car down.
39:08They're searching you.
39:09Well, where are you?
39:10Yeah, I see.
39:11Well, where are you?
39:12Well, where are you?
39:13Yeah.
39:14I see.
39:15Well, now, you might as well come home, then.
39:16No point in staying down in Bognor, is there?
39:17No point in staying down in Bognor, is there?
39:18No point in staying down in Bognor, is there?
39:20What are you doing to Mrs Mellors' motor?
39:21What are you doing to Mrs Mellors' motor?
39:22Just giving her the service.
39:23This is vandalism.
39:24Well, there you go with Bognor again.
39:25Look, aren't you listening to what I'm saying, Terry?
39:26Hello, is there some sort of cross line?
39:27Yeah, okay.
39:28Tell her, mate, I'll see you.
39:29Terry.
39:30Terry.
39:31Terry.
39:32Terry.
39:33Terry.
39:34Terry.
39:35Oh, you're not going to believe this.
39:36They're stripping the car down.
39:37They're searching you.
39:38Well, where are you?
39:39Yeah.
39:40I see.
39:41Well, now, you might as well come home, then.
39:42No point in staying down in Bognor, is there?
39:43Unless you want to paddle?
39:44There you go with Bognor again.
39:45Look, aren't you listening to what I'm saying, Terry?
39:47Hello, is there some sort of cross line?
39:48Yeah, okay.
39:49Tell her, mate.
39:50I'll see you.
39:51Terry.
39:52Terry.
39:58Fancy going out for a bite to eat?
39:59We can eat here.
40:01Nah, come on.
40:02What am I?
40:03A kept man.
40:04Anything you say, love.
40:19Arthur.
40:38Where are we going?
40:40Ah, it's just a little place I know.
40:42The wine's a bit presumptuous, but the Haricot Vert...
40:45Oh, a culinary delight.
40:49There'll be something here, Gav.
40:50Well, well, well.
40:51Pull over here, mate.
40:52What's up?
40:53I've got to see a bloke.
40:54I'll wait here for you.
40:55No, come on.
40:56I want to show you something.
40:57No.
40:58Yes.
40:59Come on.
41:00Won't be a minute.
41:01Terry.
41:02What are you doing here?
41:33Bognor. Look, friend of yours there, Madam. Mrs. Mellors? Yes. I've got your motor here. So I see.
41:43And the culprit. Yeah, what do you get for nicking cars these days? Four, five years? I can't remember.
41:49Rose. Listen, fellas, it was all a mistake. How's that? Well, I gave Jack permission to take the car.
41:59In a pig's ear, you did. Now, straight up, I forgot. I gave him the spare keys and told him I wanted the car serviced.
42:06Well, he's a nice lad, but if Brains was gunpowder, he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off. Know what I mean?
42:11So I suppose when he saw it parked, he just took it off to the garage. Didn't you, Jack?
42:16And the garage is the other side of Serbiton, I suppose. That's right. How'd you guess?
42:22I don't know what your game is, but I'm warning you. Any more of this and I'll have the lot of you for wasting police time and money.
42:34Charlie, don't forget the filberts.
42:42Listen, er, let's a taxi outside. Pay it off, will you?
42:47Oh, thanks, Rand.
42:49Oh, Jack, the keys!
42:51Thank you, Jack. Thank you.
43:03Yeah, where do you think you're going?
43:04I don't know, Rose. You tell me.
43:12Yeah, no hard feelings, eh?
43:15I mean, Rose just said it was going to be a bit of a lark.
43:17She said, here, you couldn't give us a lift, could you?
43:20I've hurt me knee.
43:22Come on, Opalong.
43:23Oh, thanks. Honest, I mean that.
43:26You're a real gent.
43:27Oh, shut up.
43:28You hired Arthur and me just to carry the can for you, didn't you?
43:53Well, you win a few, lose a few.
43:57And what about all those little games in there, eh?
43:59They were just to while away the hours before Sabu made Bombay mints out of us.
44:04Terry, I never could control myself with you, you know that.
44:08It's not nice, Rose.
44:11Well, not a very nice person, am I?
44:14Bet your mum warned you about women like me.
44:16You did a lot of money here, Terry.
44:23Yeah, and it's all going back to Tajveer.
44:28Listen, you said you didn't have much track with that Arthur bloke.
44:33Well, I could tell Tajveer it was him who took him.
44:35Then you and me, straight down the middle, 50-50.
44:40Well, you're an original, Rose, I'll give you that.
44:4460-40.
44:45Listen, you wouldn't want me to tell your dearly beloved husband
44:51how I know you drink champagne in a bath, would you?
44:54Terry, you wouldn't.
44:55He goes spare.
44:58They go back.
45:00All right.
45:02They go back.
45:06Hey.
45:07Nip down and get another bottle of champagne, hey?
45:09Just let's have some version of it.
45:10Ladyываем Justin.
45:17I think that's all.
45:17You too.
45:21President Jerry Gwynin,
45:22The Periodfuel or the LastήNE UAKE
45:23of 8th vitesse такое-
45:26I don't know.
45:28You don't know.
45:28The If-
45:29You can talk about it.
45:32I don't know.
45:33There's gonna be some miracle Bombay.
45:35I don't know how much here you are.
45:36All right.
45:36There's been a good night.
45:38Bye.
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