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00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, David Letterman and Regina Hall
00:08with the Klee Tones!
00:10And now, Jimmy Kimmel!
00:14Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:30Hi, Jimmy. I'm the host of the show.
00:33I appreciate that. Thank you for watching.
00:36Thank you for joining us from our home office
00:40in Hollywood, California. I'm glad you're here.
00:42I'm even glad I'm here tonight because my favorite guy
00:45from all of television, David Letterman, is here with us.
00:50He'll be joining us to chat about his show on Netflix
00:53and to share his recipe for Christmas corn pudding,
00:56which is absolutely perfect.
00:58This is a big deal for me to be in the presence
01:01of one of my heroes.
01:02It's like when Trump gets to hang out with Kim Jong-un.
01:05You understand.
01:07Uncle Scam was in Pennsylvania tonight
01:09to outline his fiscal agenda in front of a crowd
01:12at the Mount Airy Casino Resort.
01:14And what better place to unveil your plan for the economy
01:17than a casino?
01:19Would have done it at one of his own casinos,
01:21but he bankrupted them all.
01:23One of the speakers leading up to the president
01:25was State Representative Ryan McKenzie,
01:27who is best known nationally for listing his Tinder age
01:32as 29 when he was actually 37.
01:34The president and his administration
01:37also went to work fixing all the conflicts,
01:40and he has resolved so many conflicts in a peaceable fashion
01:44that they just gave him the FIFA Peace Prize.
01:47How about that?
01:48That's what you call a smattering of applause.
01:53After the speech in the Poconos,
01:55Trump swung by Gettysburg to take credit for ending the Civil War.
01:59And then it was on.
02:00Tonight's rally was one of several he has planned.
02:02The reason he's out talking about the economy
02:04is because he wants to convince us that it's good,
02:07which it isn't, but we also don't know how bad it is
02:10because they stopped reporting job numbers.
02:12It's like if the NBA just quit keeping score.
02:15We won, and we won.
02:17Everybody wins until we get tired of all the winning.
02:20The good news is Trump says his tariffs
02:22are bringing in a boatload of money.
02:24The bad news is Pete Hegseth just bombed the boat.
02:27So Trump has promised to...
02:30You know, he promised to fix the economy on day one.
02:33We're now at day 323 of a million.
02:36And it's finally starting to sink in.
02:39Nearly 40% of MAGA voters say the cost of living
02:42is the highest they can remember.
02:44And 76% of American voters have a negative view
02:47of how things are going financially.
02:49But that was a poll from those radical leftist lunatics
02:52at Fox News.
02:53That's not the...
02:54The White House has been...
02:55They've been doing...
02:56Trying their best to pin the blame on Biden.
02:58Like this, putting an end to Joe Biden's
03:00inflation and affordability crisis
03:02has been a day-one priority for President Trump,
03:05according to White House spokesperson
03:07Kush Desai, seen here with the president
03:09looking like a May-December grinder match-up.
03:13Trump's getting frustrated because, you know,
03:16he's used to his people just going along
03:19with what he says, so...
03:21And this is really his genius.
03:22Instead of trying to do something about affordability,
03:25he's just challenging the word affordability itself.
03:28Affordability. They just say the word.
03:30It doesn't mean anything to anybody.
03:32Affordability is a Democrat scam.
03:35Affordability is a con job.
03:36They use the word affordability.
03:37Affordability.
03:38Affordability.
03:39Affordability.
03:40Affordability.
03:41Affordability.
03:42Affordability.
03:43Affordability.
03:44Affordability.
03:45Affordability.
03:46Affordability.
03:47Affordability.
03:48Affordability.
03:49Affordability.
03:50Affordability.
03:51Affordability.
03:52Affordability.
03:53Everyone says, oh, affordability, and you're supposed to say, oh.
03:57Right.
03:58You're supposed to say, oh, and no one's saying, oh.
04:02You know, I wish people would just shut up
04:04and let the man concentrate on building his golden ballroom already.
04:07Is that too much to ask, Guillermo?
04:10I agree with you.
04:11Thank you very much.
04:12Trump says he's very up on the economy.
04:18Politico asked him to grade the economy.
04:20He said he gives it an A plus, plus, plus, plus.
04:23Five pluses.
04:24And if it wasn't five pluses,
04:26would he be planning a UFC fight on the White House lawn?
04:30No.
04:31Yes?
04:32Oh, yes.
04:33We got some new details on that today.
04:34The president is planning to build a 5,000-seat arena
04:38in front of the White House.
04:39They scaled it down from 20,000 to 5,000,
04:43which is fine because Trump will say it was 100,000 anyway,
04:46but I guess it was too big.
04:47The event will take place on June 14th,
04:50which just happens to be his 80th birthday.
04:53Whose 80th birthday theme is inviting men
04:55to beat the crap out of each other on his lawn?
04:57The most miserable son of a bitch in the world.
05:00That's who.
05:01This is going to be something.
05:04This is going to be...
05:06The weigh-ins for this event
05:08will be held at the Lincoln Memorial.
05:10That is not a joke.
05:11See, people who are all,
05:13don't you dare desecrate the flag,
05:15totally fine with guys in their underpants
05:17at the foot of Abraham Lincoln.
05:19But it's his birthday.
05:20You know, we have to have a party for his birthday.
05:22What a child he is.
05:23Everyone around him treats him like he's three years old.
05:27He is three years old.
05:28He needs a lot of attention,
05:29so they let him have a press conference every day.
05:31He needs immediate gratification.
05:33They give him a Diet Coke button.
05:35He gets constant praise for nothing.
05:37Oh, you did so good.
05:38You're so...
05:38Look how big you are.
05:39Your MRI is perfect.
05:41He gets...
05:42He takes nap time,
05:43often in the middle of a meeting.
05:46They order him McDonald's.
05:47He gets ice cream after dinner every night.
05:50He loves to use a Sharpie when he's not supposed to.
05:52He wants to hear the same two songs
05:54over and over and over again.
05:56And he wears diapers.
05:58He's three years old.
05:59If we could just get him to start watching Coco Mellon
06:07instead of Newsmax, problem solved.
06:09Tomorrow, Congress will vote
06:11on whether to cut Pete Hegseth's travel budget
06:14if he doesn't release the unedited video
06:16of that controversial boat strike,
06:18which is...
06:19That's quite a punishment.
06:20If you don't show us that video,
06:21you're flying spirit from now on.
06:24And then we have our Secretary of Health and Human Services
06:26teaming up with the Secretary of Transportation,
06:28RFK Jr. and Sean Duffy are working hard
06:32to make air travel healthy again.
06:34They had a PR stunt at Reagan National in Washington
06:37calling for, um...
06:39They did pull-ups calling for workout stations
06:42at airports so people can work out
06:45while they're waiting for the plane.
06:47I...
06:47You know what?
06:49I like this.
06:50I can't tell you how many times I've been in an airport
06:52and thought,
06:53I wish everyone was sweatier here.
06:55They also want playgrounds for, um,
06:59kids
07:00and more recreation areas for layovers,
07:04which, yeah, okay, that's one idea.
07:06Or, and hear me out,
07:08maybe just try to have the planes leave on time
07:10so we don't need to come up with...
07:11fun ways to hang out at the airport all day.
07:16Remember when Elon came in
07:18and chainsawed all the air traffic controllers?
07:20How about we hire some more of those
07:21instead of the playgrounds?
07:23Then maybe we won't need Pilates outside Chili's to go.
07:26RFK's also trying to get airports
07:28to add healthy food options,
07:30and he's not just encouraging it,
07:31he's making it happen in a very real way.
07:34Every day, millions of travelers have no choice
07:37but to fill their bodies
07:39with deep-fried, ultra-processed poison.
07:42Until now.
07:44Introducing MahaFresh.
07:47I've spent years doing my own research
07:50to bring you a menu with only the finest ingredients.
07:53Treat your body to
07:55alpaca taco salad,
07:57dead bear barbacoa,
07:59unpasteurized huevos rancheros,
08:02ivermectin chimichangas,
08:05breast milk horchata,
08:07from a lady who's got big ones,
08:09and an all-you-can-eat dimethyltryptamine bar.
08:12It's DMT-licious.
08:14You'll be doing pull-ups in your clothes
08:16at the airport in no time.
08:18Shoot your dog and bring it in.
08:20We'll cook it for you.
08:22Located at my uncle's airport,
08:25Terminal 5, next to Very Orange Julia's.
08:29MahaFresh.
08:30Eat raw.
08:32Die.
08:32He's got a bright future in voice acting
08:36if the White House thing doesn't work out.
08:39Today was the annual Christmas party
08:41at the Vice President's house.
08:43J.D. Vance welcomed a number of VIP guests,
08:46including his boss.
08:47Trump went to visit the Vance house,
08:49which, oh, man, whatever you do, Mr. President,
08:51I hope you did not sit on that couch.
08:53That's...
08:54You know, we knew Trump was going to J.D.'s day
08:56because it was listed in his official schedule.
08:59You can see there, 3.15,
09:01the President attends the Vice President's Christmas reception.
09:05And we knew he wouldn't stay long
09:06because just below that it says,
09:073.16, the President leaves the Vice President's...
09:09...after eating all the cookies
09:11and calling Vance the wrong name.
09:13J.D. Vance has three children.
09:15He has two sons and a daughter,
09:17aged 8, 5, and 3,
09:19which I'm sure came as a total surprise to the President.
09:21What are these, elves?
09:22Get them away from me!
09:24You think Trump brings the kids gifts
09:26when he comes to visit the house?
09:28Here you go.
09:29We brought you a Mar-a-Lago charcuterie board
09:32and a golf ball marker.
09:34Have a great life.
09:35I doubt it.
09:36I actually went on the Trump crap website today,
09:39and there's some really great stuff there,
09:41including this.
09:42This is the DJT mallet putter cover.
09:46Wait, this is an officially licensed item,
09:48which means somebody at the Trump organization
09:50saw this and said,
09:51he looks great.
09:53That's real yak hair, by the way,
09:55just like the hair on the President's head.
09:58This is a big time of the year for Magellan,
10:00because, you know,
10:01Trump's deep devotion to Christ
10:03makes December the biggest time
10:05for merch sales of the year,
10:07including, uh, there are a lot of things,
10:09including a new spirit
10:10for the Secretary of Defense in your life.
10:12Eric Trump presents Trump Vodka.
10:15Hi, everybody, Eric Trump.
10:16We're doing Trump Vodka,
10:17and it's going to be the greatest vodka anywhere.
10:19We're making it here in the United States.
10:20We're making the bottle here in the United States.
10:22We're incredibly excited about it.
10:24I can't tell you how much time
10:25was spent designing the bottle.
10:26Let me guess, almost none?
10:30I want to know how much time
10:31it takes you to open the bottle.
10:33And then we have Uncle Rudy Giuliani,
10:35who was hard at work outside that dildo shop
10:37roasting beans
10:38to become our first-ever disc-barred barista.
10:41Christmas is coming.
10:42If you want to know what people want,
10:45go to rudy.coffee
10:46and get coffee mugs,
10:49coffee,
10:50and cold brew,
10:52and even shirts.
10:54Go there right now.
10:55rudy.coffee.
10:56Merry Christmas!
10:59Make your teeth as brown
11:00as America's mayors
11:02with a carafe
11:02of rudy coffee this year.
11:04And finally,
11:05our old pal Mike Lindell
11:08graduates from
11:09my pillows
11:10to my pills.
11:11Hello, everyone.
11:12I'm here to tell you about
11:13one of my favorite companies,
11:15all-family pharmacy,
11:16from November 24th
11:18through December 2nd,
11:19when you buy one ivermectin
11:21or a hydroxychloroquine
11:22or a mebenzozole,
11:24you get another one
11:25absolutely free.
11:27What?
11:27One for you
11:31and your horse.
11:33You know what?
11:34With gifts like these,
11:35I finally understand
11:36why Melania hates Christmas
11:37so much.
11:39We have, uh,
11:39we've got an excellent show
11:41for you tonight.
11:41Regina Hall is here
11:42with us tonight.
11:44And we will be right back
11:46with David Letterman
11:47to start a night.
11:57Hi there.
11:58Welcome back to the show
11:59tonight.
12:00You can see her alongside
12:01Leo DiCaprio
12:02in the highly acclaimed movie
12:04One Battle After Another.
12:05Regina Hall is with us tonight.
12:08Tomorrow night...
12:09We're getting a good show.
12:11Tomorrow night,
12:11we will be joined
12:12by Matthew McConaughey
12:13and Pete Buttigieg
12:14with music from Howard Jones.
12:17So please join us then.
12:18Are you nervous, Guillermo?
12:19A little bit.
12:20Are you?
12:20A little bit.
12:21It doesn't seem like you are.
12:23Um,
12:23there is no one
12:25I am more terrified
12:26to welcome to this show
12:27than our first guest.
12:28He, in my opinion,
12:29is the best ever
12:30to do this job
12:31and he's still doing it
12:32in longer form.
12:33Season 6 of My Next Guest
12:35Needs No Introduction
12:36premieres one week
12:37from tonight on Netflix.
12:38Please welcome
12:39David Letterman.
12:55I love you too, sir.
13:19I wish I could get that
13:21in my own house.
13:22By the way,
13:24if I get another show,
13:25you and me,
13:25you understand?
13:26Okay, deal.
13:27Yeah, all right.
13:28We'll talk about that.
13:29You know,
13:29our relationship
13:30has been a little rocky lately,
13:32so I might let you have them.
13:33What happened
13:34to Little Rocky?
13:34Now, listen.
13:35Yes.
13:36I want to thank you
13:37for giving me
13:38yet another opportunity
13:39to entertain America.
13:42I do my best.
13:44I want to thank you
13:45for entertaining America here.
13:48You know that I love you.
13:50I love this man.
13:51I love him more
13:57than Chinese food.
13:58That's right.
13:59I love him more
14:00than valet parking.
14:01I love him more
14:03than that Cars for Kids song.
14:05I just...
14:06Wow, that's really good.
14:07That's a great song.
14:08Yeah, yeah.
14:10People are aware
14:12of the fact
14:12that you are
14:13the leader
14:14of the resistance.
14:15I am the totally
14:23ineffective leader
14:25of the resistance, yes.
14:26By the way,
14:26will this be televised tonight?
14:28I can never keep track
14:29with you getting yanked off.
14:30Come on, wake up over there
14:35for God's sake.
14:36Dave's here.
14:38Anton would have hit
14:39that with no problem.
14:41Thank you very much.
14:44And speaking of leaders,
14:45let me just say
14:46one thing here.
14:46I'm going to suck up
14:48to you because I feel like
14:49if I kind of tag along
14:51with you,
14:51I'll be glorified
14:52in retrospect.
14:53You know,
14:54it's kind of like
14:55you just sit there.
14:58If the...
14:59Now, this is irrespective
15:01of party
15:02or political ideology.
15:05Irrespective,
15:05party or political ideology.
15:07If the leader
15:07of the free world
15:08is a fool,
15:10the leader
15:11of the free world
15:12then should expect
15:13and examine
15:15every bit of ridicule
15:17he receives.
15:23Irrespective.
15:24You see how that
15:25makes me look good now, too.
15:27It does make you look good.
15:27Thank you very much.
15:29Well, if I've done
15:29anything right,
15:30I definitely learned it
15:31from you,
15:31and I want you to know
15:32I mean that sincerely.
15:33Thank you very much.
15:34Did you just get
15:34a new contract?
15:35I did get a new contract,
15:37yes.
15:43Good for you.
15:45Another years
15:46of twisting those folks
15:47at Disney.
15:48Good for you.
15:50Again, good for you.
15:51Yes.
15:52Do you feel like
15:53you are more...
15:54Even though you've been off...
15:55You've been off the Late Show
15:56a little over 10 years.
15:57Oh, my God.
15:57Yes, it's been 10 years.
15:59It went by like a rocket,
16:00and yes, it's crazy.
16:02And here's what happens
16:03to me now.
16:04People used to know
16:05who I am.
16:07And now, you know,
16:08I have to wear a name tag
16:09to get anything going.
16:10So I was walking
16:13across town
16:14just the other day
16:14going somewhere,
16:15maybe the farmer's market.
16:16I don't know
16:17where I was going.
16:18And a guy comes up to me,
16:21and he says,
16:22excuse me,
16:22are you who I think you are?
16:25And now,
16:26I'm all loaded up,
16:27and I respond,
16:28well, you know,
16:28that depends on
16:29who you think I are.
16:32That always gets
16:32a big laugh.
16:36And I said,
16:36who do you think I am?
16:37And he said,
16:38Dick Van Dyke?
16:38And I said, no!
16:41What is...
16:42No!
16:43What is...
16:44Because when I was
16:47your age,
16:48people my age
16:49and younger
16:49would come up to me
16:50and say,
16:50oh, we watch this show
16:51every night.
16:52We love it.
16:53And then when I left,
16:53oh, we miss you.
16:55And then it would be,
16:56oh, my mother
16:56watches you now
16:58every night.
16:58And she really misses you
17:00now that you're gone.
17:01And here lately,
17:03it's, you know what?
17:04I'd like a picture of you
17:05to show to my grandfather
17:06because, and his father
17:09also, we used to watch it
17:13together in the hospital
17:14before, you know,
17:15just like that.
17:16So.
17:18You know, I started
17:19watching your show
17:19with my grandfather
17:20when I was just a teenager.
17:22Is that right?
17:22Yeah, he was very,
17:23he loved you.
17:24He loved you very much.
17:25Yeah, very funny guy.
17:26Yeah.
17:26Glad to hear that.
17:27Yeah.
17:27Very good.
17:28When you are in Los Angeles,
17:30which I know you're not here
17:31a ton, what are,
17:32are there things
17:33that you like to do?
17:34Not here a ton.
17:35That's not the exact measurement.
17:36But no, I'm not here often.
17:38Not here frequently.
17:39You're right.
17:40Not here a pound.
17:41You know what?
17:41Can we start over?
17:45I know you're not here much.
17:47Yeah.
17:48But.
17:48Beginning to feel like a ton.
17:51You have put on
17:52a lot of weight.
17:53Thank you very much.
17:54I thought you were
17:55going to bring me
17:55a sack of toys
17:56when you came out here.
18:00There you go.
18:01So, but you,
18:06I know what you're
18:06hitting up here.
18:07Yeah.
18:07About the,
18:08I discovered this
18:09a couple of years ago.
18:10And say what you will
18:12about autonomous cars.
18:14And I know you have.
18:15Oh, I have.
18:16I used to think
18:17that that was preposterous.
18:18I used to think,
18:18where do we live?
18:19Neptune?
18:20We got self-driving cars?
18:22So here's what happened
18:23to me not so very long ago.
18:25I'm driving from the airport.
18:27And suddenly,
18:28I see these white cars
18:30and they got gyroscopes
18:32on, on top of them
18:33and, and behind.
18:35And they've got glowing light.
18:36And they seem more hovering
18:38than driving through these cars.
18:40And I realize,
18:41these are Waymo.
18:46That's right.
18:50I'd like to take that back
18:52if I could.
18:53I don't know what happened.
18:58You know I don't work blue.
19:00No, you don't.
19:00Oh, for God's sake.
19:01But I love when you do.
19:02I really do.
19:03It must be the dry heat.
19:04I don't know what's going on.
19:06So now,
19:07the Waymo cars
19:08are swarming me
19:09like a pod of dolphins.
19:11They're, they're,
19:12they're everywhere.
19:13And I think,
19:14relax.
19:15Waymo knows what it's doing.
19:17It's taking me
19:18to my destination.
19:19I'm being led
19:20by this swarm of Waymos
19:22to my destination.
19:23It turned out
19:24that wasn't true.
19:24No.
19:25No.
19:26So now,
19:27I'm thrilled
19:28because I started out
19:29hating the idea
19:30of autonomous cars.
19:31Now I'm thrilled
19:32by the idea
19:32of autonomous cars.
19:33So I pull up next to Waymo,
19:35I put down my window,
19:36and I'm looking right
19:37in there at nobody.
19:38And, and I believe
19:39that this was
19:40an expression of joy
19:42expressed in vulgarity.
19:44And I just,
19:45I leaned out
19:46and as loud as I could,
19:47I said,
19:47hey, you, Waymo!
19:57Thank you very much.
19:59Didn't you say
20:00the same thing?
20:01What has happened to me?
20:01Didn't you say that
20:02to TiVo when it came out?
20:04I recall.
20:05Oh, I love TiVo a ton.
20:12Look at this one
20:12over here laughing.
20:14Oh, you're getting
20:15really enjoying yourself.
20:16Give me your socials.
20:18Um, but, but now
20:21that he, so tonight
20:23right after the show,
20:24come with me.
20:25Uh, Waymo and I,
20:26we're going to go
20:26get a Christmas tree,
20:27put it on the roof
20:28and drive around L.A.
20:30That's a great idea.
20:31Yeah, and then tomorrow,
20:32Waymo and I are riding
20:33to New York City.
20:34Oh, you're taking all the way?
20:35Taking all the way
20:36to New York City.
20:36Can you do that?
20:37Yes, you can.
20:38You can.
20:39Which will raise awareness
20:40for autonomous vehicles.
20:43Well, it's certainly
20:44a very worthy cause.
20:45Yeah.
20:46Do you ever now
20:47when you're at home
20:48in your palatial estate
20:51watching television
20:52think, oh, man,
20:53I wish I was on tonight
20:55to talk about something
20:56that's going on in the room?
20:57Boy, uh, you would think.
20:58But no, I'm so glad
21:00to be out from under
21:01this mess
21:02because people like you
21:03and people like Stephen
21:05and people like Seth
21:06do such a masterful job
21:08of this defending democracy.
21:10and about all I'm capable
21:21of have shown up
21:22every now and then
21:22and saying,
21:23you, Waymo.
21:24That's, by the way,
21:26that's about all I got.
21:27And, but I think,
21:29thank God for you,
21:31thank God for others,
21:32SNL and everybody else.
21:34It's just, uh,
21:35I think it's the way
21:36things need to be
21:37in a democracy
21:37that's seemingly this crippled.
21:39Well, I would prefer
21:40you limited it to me,
21:41but I appreciate
21:41those questions.
21:44Well, you, you know.
21:45You did forget
21:45Jon Stewart,
21:46The Daily Show.
21:47I mean, there are many others
21:48that we could include here.
21:50But, um, yeah.
21:51You, are you?
21:53Does that mean
21:54I have to leave now, Jimmy?
21:55No.
21:56Are you still
21:57cutting your own hair?
22:02Don't start, son.
22:05I do, you know,
22:06I understand.
22:07And, uh, I do what I can.
22:09I thought I looked
22:09not so bad tonight.
22:10You look pretty good, yeah.
22:11Yeah, thank you.
22:12You, you, are you,
22:14the last, I think about a year,
22:17around a year ago at this time,
22:19you were serving jury duty.
22:21Is that correct?
22:22Oh, my God, jury duty.
22:23I want to tell you something.
22:24Jury duty is, uh,
22:25duty is a wonderful thing.
22:26Have you ever been
22:27on jury duty?
22:27No, I try to avoid it
22:29as best I can.
22:30See, that's a mistake.
22:31And by the way,
22:31if they catch up with you,
22:32you're going to prison.
22:33I know.
22:34You can't screw around
22:36with this, Jimmy.
22:37I would have thought
22:37you would know better.
22:38I have a strategy.
22:39I agree to do it
22:41at Christmastime,
22:42and they cancel all the cases
22:43at that time, every time.
22:45It works well for me.
22:51Remember when I called him
22:52the leader of the resistance?
22:54You remember that?
22:55Well, I don't know.
23:00So I get this notice.
23:01You've got to come
23:02to jury duty.
23:03Listen to this.
23:04This is Major League jury duty.
23:06This is the Southern District
23:07of New York.
23:08It is a federal jury.
23:10This is big-time stuff,
23:11and they pick guys like me
23:12purposefully because it is
23:13big-time stuff because
23:14they know I demand justice.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19They know that, huh?
23:22So you go down there,
23:26and they go do what you...
23:27put you through a voir dire.
23:29Do you know what that means?
23:29No.
23:30That's where you, the jurors...
23:31It's like this audience.
23:33We would all be selected
23:34for jury duty.
23:35We go in for the voir dire,
23:36and that's where you get
23:37to meet the prosecutors
23:38and the defenders
23:39and the defendants themselves.
23:41And so I sat for three cases,
23:44and then one case...
23:46And you're there very, very early.
23:48So I'm there one morning
23:50trying to doze.
23:51I'm like this, and I hear
23:53someone say,
23:54wakey-wakey.
23:57And I thought,
23:58well, that ought to be illegal
23:59right there.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:00So now I'm released
24:02from jury duty.
24:03That one case, they say,
24:05we don't need you,
24:06Mr. Show Business.
24:07We don't want you in here.
24:09So I leave,
24:10but here's what they don't tell you.
24:12They take your cell phone,
24:14and they take your keys
24:15and anything else
24:16that could be trouble
24:17inside the jury box.
24:19So now I'm outside.
24:20It's nine in the morning.
24:21There's nobody around
24:22that I know.
24:23My friends who dropped me off
24:24there at jury duty,
24:25they're all gone.
24:26I got no cell phone.
24:27I don't know what I'm doing.
24:28I'm a lost man.
24:30And I see a woman,
24:32like on the other corner,
24:34and I say,
24:34excuse me,
24:35could I use your cell phone?
24:36Now, you know that doesn't work.
24:37That would get you arrested, right?
24:39Yeah, it's weird.
24:40It's really weird.
24:41The woman was kind enough
24:42to let me use her cell phone.
24:43So I call around people I know.
24:44I don't have car keys.
24:46I don't have house keys.
24:47I have nothing.
24:48What am I going to do?
24:50Nobody's home.
24:50Everybody is out doing it
24:51because they don't expect me
24:52until noon or later.
24:54Noon, you get a break.
24:56Even justice needs lunch.
24:59So now I'm screwed.
25:02I'm in the southern,
25:02I'm over there
25:03in the legal area
25:04of the city,
25:05and I see a cab.
25:09And it's got the light out,
25:11which means passengers in the cab.
25:13And I think,
25:14well, hell, I'm Dave Letterman.
25:17So they stop at an intersection,
25:18and I say,
25:19I know you've got people
25:20in the back high,
25:21but I used to be on TV.
25:23Can I have a ride in your cab?
25:25So the cab driver
25:27talks it over with the passengers,
25:28and the passengers,
25:30for reasons unbeknownst to me,
25:32say, sure, let him in.
25:34So now it's two people,
25:35turns out, from Atlanta,
25:37and me and the cab driver.
25:38And we're going along,
25:39and I'm getting to know
25:40the people in the back,
25:41and we're chatting,
25:41and everything's fine.
25:42The daughter's getting married,
25:43and they couldn't be happier,
25:44and they've been out shopping,
25:45and this and that.
25:46We get to where they're staying,
25:48and I said,
25:48I'll take care of the cab fare.
25:51So they help them
25:52with their baggage
25:53and say goodbye to them.
25:54And the driver says,
25:55that'll be 120 bucks.
25:57And I said, what happened?
25:59He said, well,
25:59they came in from JFK.
26:01So that's,
26:01I thought they were just,
26:02you know, shopping.
26:05And he said,
26:06plus your fare.
26:07So, okay.
26:07So I peel off,
26:08and I give him the money.
26:09So now he takes me to my house.
26:11Now listen to this.
26:12You think the story is dull now.
26:19I get to my apartment.
26:21Guess what?
26:21Show business.
26:23Jason Bateman is doing
26:24that Bunny Black Rabbit show.
26:26Oh, yeah.
26:27Yeah, in the bar
26:27on the corner where I live.
26:29What?
26:29Jason Bateman.
26:30Yes.
26:30And so I can't get in
26:32because I got no keys.
26:33I got no cell phone.
26:34And I have nothing.
26:35So I start talking to the crew
26:36and I said,
26:36I want to be in this movie.
26:40And they said,
26:40well, no,
26:41we're on a schedule.
26:42And I said,
26:42you're looking at a guy
26:43who has nothing to do.
26:45Today was going to be jury duty.
26:47Let me,
26:47please just let me.
26:48So now out comes Jason Bateman
26:50and we get to start talking
26:51and we're reminiscing
26:53like old buddies.
26:53And I said,
26:54Jason,
26:54can you just put me
26:55in the dang movie?
26:56And he says,
26:57okay.
26:57So I don't know
26:59if you've seen the,
26:59did you see the Black Rabbit?
27:06So we're in the bar
27:07shooting the last scene
27:09of the last show
27:10of the Black Rabbit.
27:11And here's what the scene is.
27:12You've seen it, right?
27:13I have, yeah.
27:14Okay.
27:14So Jason Bateman
27:15walks into the crowded bar
27:16and he says,
27:17listen up, everybody.
27:18I got some bad news.
27:20The Black Rabbit is missing.
27:23And so then I say,
27:25they cut to me
27:26and I say,
27:26I'll go check his pen.
27:32David Letterman is with us.
27:44Oh.
27:46God, that feels good.
27:50Dave, you know,
27:50the last time I swung a bat,
27:52I hit a gapper
27:54in the Celebrity Hollywood
27:56Stars night
27:57for an inside the park
27:58home run
27:59past the sprinting Lou Ferrigno.
28:01Full blast.
28:01And he's got to get
28:02the thighs around one another.
28:03So I made it around.
28:05Let's see your Lou Ferrigno again.
28:08Very nice.
28:10And I thought
28:10the day couldn't get better.
28:12That is David Letterman
28:14with his guest Jason Bateman
28:15on season six
28:17of My Next Guest
28:18Needs No Introduction
28:19premieres December 16th
28:22on Netflix.
28:23What's your scouting report
28:24on Bateman?
28:24He was surprisingly
28:25really good.
28:26I mean,
28:27he made excellent contact
28:28and it cleared the infield,
28:29so he looked pretty good.
28:31Okay.
28:31Yeah.
28:31And some of the balls
28:32as we were leaving the stadium
28:33had actually rolled
28:34to the warning track.
28:35He is really a very big,
28:37he spent more time
28:38at Dodgers Stadium
28:39than Tommy Lasorda.
28:39He's a huge fan.
28:40Yeah, Tommy Lasorda.
28:41Oh, my God.
28:42Those days were gold.
28:43Well, how about now?
28:44You can't get better
28:44golden days for the Dodgers
28:46than now for Evan Sandler.
28:47Yeah, that is true.
28:49The, um,
28:50you have, um,
28:52you have three shows
28:53in this new season.
28:54You had a special
28:54with Adam Sandler.
28:56And I noticed something
28:57when I was watching
28:58the Adam Sandler episode.
29:00And it's that you and I
29:01have something in common.
29:02And that is,
29:03we are both
29:04very bad huggers.
29:06You hugged Adam Sandler
29:08in a way that you would
29:09hug somebody that you knew
29:10had a contagious disease.
29:12Right, right.
29:13It has nothing to do
29:14with that.
29:14I, I don't worry
29:15about, uh, diseases.
29:16In fact, I would
29:17welcome them.
29:17Yeah.
29:19That's probably not
29:20what you want to say,
29:21is it?
29:21No, I don't,
29:22I didn't mean that exactly.
29:24By the way,
29:24you should be on that show.
29:26On what show?
29:27The, my next guest.
29:28Oh, I would love
29:28to be on this show.
29:38And Adam Sandler
29:38and I have known
29:39one another as long
29:40as I think you
29:41and I have known
29:41each other.
29:42Yeah.
29:42And it was great fun
29:44to just spend time
29:45in a context
29:46that's a bit different
29:47than we have spent
29:47ever through.
29:47Would it hurt my chances
29:49of being on the show
29:50if I told you
29:50that I sometimes
29:51lay awake at night
29:52wondering why you
29:53haven't asked me
29:54to be on the show?
29:57Would it bother you
29:58that that was
29:59Netflix's decision?
30:00Oh, yeah.
30:01Less.
30:02Much less.
30:03Much, much less.
30:06You didn't get...
30:07But Adam Sandler,
30:07he's a lovable man.
30:09Yes, very.
30:09And of the people
30:11that have come through
30:11that machine
30:12of Saturday Night Live
30:13and established
30:14a great community
30:16of comedy,
30:17he is second
30:19to no one.
30:19That's why I'm saying
30:20give the man
30:21a decent hug sometime.
30:22Well, no,
30:22what are you suggesting?
30:24Well, let's hug.
30:25Come on.
30:25Okay.
30:26All right.
30:26All right.
30:32Do I need to
30:32take off my shirt?
30:34My shirt
30:35or just the jacket?
30:37You've got to have
30:40the thing.
30:41All right, brother.
30:43This is where
30:44your talk show
30:44hosting experience
30:45really comes in handy.
30:47I'm a little rusty.
30:48What happened to me?
30:48So, see, now,
30:49I would typically...
30:51This is more of an embrace.
30:57Okay.
30:57Get away from me.
30:58Get away from me.
31:00Wow, you've really changed, Dave.
31:02I mean, I remember a time
31:03when no one was allowed
31:04to touch you at all.
31:05You are, um...
31:09I know you are
31:09a long-time fan.
31:11I actually enjoyed that.
31:12Okay.
31:16One of your guests
31:17on this season,
31:18Mr. Beast,
31:19he's a guy...
31:20Oh, Mr. Beast,
31:20you're buddy.
31:21You've been following since...
31:21By the way,
31:22Jimmy knows more
31:24pleasant, nice
31:26show business people
31:27than there are
31:28in this audience.
31:29And by the way,
31:29there's nothing wrong
31:30with you folks either.
31:32You mean me, Jimmy,
31:33or Mr. Beast, Jimmy?
31:34No, you, Jimmy.
31:34Okay.
31:35Yes, and I must say,
31:37I find it a little intimidating
31:38because I would like to be
31:40a good, close friend of yours,
31:41and I just don't know
31:42that I would measure up
31:43to the posse,
31:45the corral,
31:46the squad,
31:47the team.
31:47After that hug,
31:48we could probably
31:49go on a camping trip together.
31:51Seriously.
31:58Michael B. Jordan
31:58is one of your guests
31:59on the show,
32:00as you know.
32:01This guy,
32:02and I got to hug
32:03this guy, too,
32:03and he, uh...
32:04He's built.
32:06Yeah, he is
32:06a strong person.
32:08No, he...
32:08Yes, he, uh...
32:09I hugged him,
32:11and it was like
32:13hugging a statue.
32:15Honest to God,
32:15he was so...
32:17What are statues
32:19made of?
32:19A lot of different things.
32:21Marble.
32:21Marble, yeah.
32:23He's like sculpted marble,
32:24and I say that
32:25as a person
32:26who has hugged
32:28my share of statues.
32:29Sometimes you just
32:34get the mouth going,
32:35and it doesn't make
32:36any difference
32:36what comes out.
32:37You just keep talking.
32:38So now we're in London
32:39to see, uh,
32:40Michael B. Jordan,
32:42and...
32:42Put your jacket on.
32:43Okay, all right,
32:43I'll put my jacket on,
32:44yes.
32:46You entertain them,
32:47I'll get my jacket on.
32:49Nothing more entertaining
32:50than watching you dress.
32:52Usually I have people
32:59to do this for me.
33:00I understand, yeah.
33:01It's the first time
33:01I put my jacket on by myself.
33:03It's so much fun.
33:04All right.
33:06Uh, so anyway,
33:07uh, we,
33:07we go into a cigar store
33:09in London
33:09that I go in frequently
33:10when I'm in London,
33:11uh, and I,
33:13I don't smoke.
33:13I go in,
33:14and I will ask
33:15one of the people
33:16working there
33:16to smoke one for me.
33:18Um, and it's,
33:21it's great and it's safe
33:22because you get
33:23the, the aromatic experience
33:24and you get all
33:25of the ceremonial fun
33:26of, uh, lighting a cigar
33:28and smoking it.
33:28So this time,
33:30uh, they give me a cigar
33:31and I want somebody
33:32to smoke it
33:33and I'm looking at it
33:33and I'm thinking,
33:34hmm, I don't know,
33:34it's been 22 years.
33:36And the guy says,
33:37well, you know,
33:38uh, if you smoke that cigar,
33:40we have a little something
33:41in the basement
33:42that maybe would be
33:43of interest to you.
33:44Well, of course,
33:45I, I want to find out
33:46what's in the basement.
33:47Don't we all?
33:49And, uh,
33:50so I light it up
33:51and it's,
33:52it's immediately
33:5222 years ago
33:54and it was like
33:55a two-week vacation.
33:56It was delightful.
33:58And I know that's not
34:00what the Surgeon General
34:01tells you.
34:02It was delightful.
34:03So he says,
34:04now if you'd like
34:05to go downstairs,
34:05we have the chair
34:07that Winston Churchill
34:08used to come into the store
34:10and sit in
34:11and smoke the cigar.
34:13And, yeah,
34:14and, uh,
34:15right there
34:16with being on your show,
34:17that is one of the delights.
34:25So I,
34:25I sat there
34:26and I smoked that thing
34:28and I'm telling you,
34:29it was,
34:29I'm still talking about it.
34:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:32It was lovely.
34:32Yeah, very nice experience.
34:33But I haven't had a cigar since
34:35because you,
34:35you shouldn't,
34:36you don't.
34:36Well, live a little,
34:37you know,
34:38maybe once a year
34:38you light up a cigar.
34:39Maybe Christmas.
34:40Do you smoke cigars?
34:41You know what?
34:42You want to know something
34:43and you're going to think
34:44this is crazy.
34:45When I was about 15,
34:46I saw you smoking a cigar
34:47and I started smoking cigars.
34:49There you go.
34:51Job well done, America.
34:53David Letterman, everyone.
34:55Season five of my next guest
34:57needs no introduction
34:58to his December 16th
35:00on Netflix.
35:01We'll be back
35:01with Regina Hall.
35:08This week
35:09on Jimmy Kimmel Live,
35:11Jamie Lee Curtis,
35:13Pete Buttigieg,
35:14Rachel Sennett,
35:15and Matthew McConaughey,
35:17plus music
35:18from Howard Jones
35:19and The Pretty Reckless.
35:28All right,
35:28and welcome back.
35:29Our next guest
35:29is in two movies
35:30this month,
35:31and one,
35:32she is a radical revolutionary,
35:34and the other,
35:34she's a glowing ghost fish
35:36named Barb.
35:36You can see her
35:37in Paul Thomas Anderson's
35:38One Battle After Another.
35:40Now, please welcome
35:41Regina Hall.
36:00How are you doing?
36:03I'm good.
36:03How are you?
36:04I'm good.
36:04Did you meet David Letterman?
36:06No!
36:06Oh, I'm sorry.
36:08And I wanted to meet David Letterman.
36:09I'm a huge David Letterman fan.
36:11He's an excellent hugger.
36:12You should really give him a try.
36:14You were blushing.
36:16You looked happy.
36:16I was blushing, kind of, wasn't I?
36:18More than now,
36:19while I'm out here.
36:20Blushing.
36:21Well, if we hugged,
36:22I'd blush also.
36:23Yeah, okay.
36:24How are you doing?
36:25I'm good.
36:26Good.
36:26I'm glad to hear that.
36:27Yeah.
36:27You've got a lot of things
36:28going on, don't you?
36:30I do.
36:31Yeah.
36:31I do.
36:32Two movies?
36:33Who was your, like,
36:33person like Letterman growing up?
36:35Did you have somebody
36:35that you really admired?
36:37Well, I watched Letterman.
36:39I'm like you, of course.
36:40Oh, wow.
36:40Yeah.
36:40I wanted to do Letterman.
36:42That didn't happen.
36:44Well, he retired, right?
36:45Well, no.
36:46I was there before.
36:47Oh.
36:48But, um,
36:49he had a lot of people
36:51who wanted to be there, too.
36:52You know what I mean?
36:53It wasn't, like, just me.
36:54So it was hard.
36:54I think I just didn't, you know.
36:56And then he retired.
36:57Yeah, yeah.
36:58But then he had another show,
36:59but I haven't gotten on that one, either.
37:02I don't know.
37:03That's why I wanted to meet him tonight.
37:04Patience is really what it is, you know?
37:07Patience.
37:07That's the virtue, right?
37:07Um, last time you were here,
37:09you had a raccoon problem.
37:10Did you get that cleared up?
37:12I did.
37:12You did.
37:13The raccoons are gone.
37:13I got a snake.
37:15And so the snake, I think,
37:17deterred the raccoons.
37:19You got a snake?
37:20Well, I didn't get a snake.
37:22I mean, a snake cane.
37:24I mean, like, the raccoons.
37:26I don't have a pet snake.
37:27This is like that
37:27if you give a mouse a cookie book,
37:29you know?
37:31I know.
37:32So the snake showed up
37:33in your yard.
37:33The snake was in the yard.
37:35And scared away the raccoons.
37:36I guess.
37:37What kind of snake is this?
37:39I was told by the gardeners
37:42it rattled.
37:44Oh, and they left
37:45a rattlesnake in you?
37:46I would rather have the raccoons.
37:48I got a snake wrangler.
37:50You did?
37:50Yeah.
37:51There's a job.
37:52This is the truth.
37:53Full time?
37:53I got a snake wrangler.
37:55Yeah, he lives with me now.
37:56No, no, no.
37:57I got...
37:57Called the snake wrangler.
37:59This is the truth.
38:00Snake wrangler comes,
38:01gets the thing out.
38:02And I said,
38:03what's the worst animal
38:04you've ever, like,
38:05had to deal with?
38:06He said,
38:07the worst bite he got
38:08was from a raccoon.
38:09Oh.
38:10Okay, so you picked
38:11the right guy.
38:13Or the right snake
38:14came to get rid of the raccoon.
38:15Or the right snake.
38:16Yeah, so he left the snake,
38:18or he took the snake.
38:19No, he couldn't find the snake.
38:21Oh.
38:21But he put snake repellent around,
38:24and I haven't seen him say.
38:25There's such a thing
38:26as snake repellent?
38:27There is.
38:28And yet,
38:29the raccoons did not return
38:31once they saw the snake.
38:32I believe
38:34that that's what happened.
38:35The, the yard,
38:36it did no longer look
38:38like a poquito moss
38:39with everything rolled up.
38:40So I'm assuming
38:41that they were,
38:42that something got him gone.
38:44By the way,
38:44you're fantastic in this movie,
38:46One Battle After Another.
38:47I know you got...
38:48Thank you, guys.
38:50You got the SpongeBob movie.
38:52SpongeBob.
38:53And One Battle After Another.
38:55Yeah.
38:55Different films.
38:56Not, um...
38:57Slightly.
38:58Yeah.
38:59Um, slightly, yeah.
39:00Where did you shoot
39:00the opening scene
39:01of One Battle After Another?
39:03Was that on
39:04the Mexican border?
39:05I think it was my yard.
39:05No, um,
39:06with the raccoons.
39:07It was on the Mexican border.
39:09It really was.
39:10It really was.
39:11That wasn't, like,
39:11a shot in, like,
39:13Tucson or CGI
39:14or something like that?
39:15No, it wasn't CGI'd.
39:16And what's worse is...
39:18Or better.
39:19What's better or worse
39:20is the wall was not impressive.
39:22It wasn't.
39:23It was not.
39:25Are you saying...
39:25Like, I could bend low here
39:27and I'd be like,
39:27it's kind of like the wall.
39:29Are you trying to tell me
39:30that President Trump
39:31who promised to build a wall
39:33and make Mexico pay for it
39:34didn't follow through
39:36on that promise?
39:37I know.
39:37I'm surprised, too.
39:39I'm...
39:39I'm shocked.
39:41But, yeah, no.
39:43It's not like this.
39:44I know.
39:44It's not.
39:45No, it's not at all.
39:46Not at all.
39:47Have you...
39:48Have you been in
39:48an animated film before?
39:50This is my first one.
39:51Oh, this is your first one.
39:52Yeah.
39:53Woo!
39:54And are you a
39:55SpongeBob person in general?
39:58Well, I am now.
39:59You are now.
40:00You know,
40:00I have friends
40:01whose children
40:02were SpongeBob people
40:05and now they're
40:05SpongeBob adults.
40:06SpongeBob's been around.
40:07Yeah, SpongeBob has been around
40:08for quite some time.
40:09SpongeBob has legs.
40:12It's the Bob
40:12that keeps on sponging.
40:14It does.
40:16It is.
40:16And I play
40:17a pirate fish.
40:20A pirate fish.
40:21Yeah, yeah.
40:21The dreaded pirate fish.
40:23Yeah.
40:23And she has...
40:25Oh, she doesn't have
40:26all of her teeth
40:26and she has one eye.
40:30I know.
40:30She's cute, though.
40:32Pirates only need one eye
40:34because they got the patch.
40:35Which eye does she wear
40:36the patch over?
40:37Well, one eye
40:38is like a...
40:39It zooms out.
40:40It's like a telescope.
40:42So it's kind of like
40:43an eye and not an eye.
40:44Okay.
40:45And when you're voicing that,
40:46do you close one
40:47or you just do it regularly?
40:49That's a good idea.
40:51I should have done it.
40:52Damn it.
40:52Maybe think about it
40:53except to see for it.
40:53Yeah, I know.
40:54I mean, I didn't close one eye,
40:57but I honestly would have done it
40:59now that you suggest that to me.
41:01Well, just...
41:02Where were you last year?
41:03Next time, just give me a ring.
41:05And if you have anything going on,
41:06I'll give you tips.
41:07Have you done one?
41:08What, an animated thing?
41:09Oh, yeah.
41:10Yeah.
41:10I close both eyes.
41:13That's how I do it.
41:15Well, it's great to see you.
41:17Congratulations.
41:18One battle after another.
41:19Very great movie.
41:21In theaters, on demand now.
41:23And the SpongeBob movie
41:24Search for Squarepants
41:26opens a week from Friday.
41:33Well, that was fun.
41:34Thanks to David Letterman.
41:35Thank you, Regina Hall.
41:37Apologies to Matt Damon.
41:38We did run out of time for him.
41:40Nightline is next.
41:42Good night.
41:42Good night.
41:42Good night.
41:44Master size.
41:44Good night.
41:46Alright.
41:53You
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